Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Doctors, teachers, support groups, and others tend to focus on parents' impact on a child growing up who one day becomes an adult who is abusive.  Unfortunately, there are many adults who had brothers and sisters who were verbally and physically abusive to them for years.  From constant teasing to sexual abuse (when parents were in the next room or away), the poor child who was too fearful to tell while somehow reasoning it was okay, grows up with a variety of emotional issues. Most of us know it is sick to hurt a brother or sister who is screaming at the top of his or her lungs, "Stop! Stop!" or is saying nothing at all, but appears sad or miserable about what is happening.  Yet, despicable acts go on.  Some children are disciplined by parents and yet brother or sister continue to come around with yet another nasty thing to say or do to a sibling when backs are turned.  For some children, mom and dad isn't helpful.  Think of those lo...

You think a controlling partner is harmless when he or she sits back and listens to your complaints, nods and agrees with your issues, and seemingly acts supportive, right?  You believe that because he or she doesn't share your rants and negative statements about others to people outside the home that they mean you well, right?  Controlling partners will get even sooner or later based on what you have shared with them.  If he or she doesn't like a certain family member or friend or doesn't like what you say or do, the abuser will not hesitate to use what he or she knows against you to get desired results!  To an abuser his or her requests are logical, practical and in the best interest of the family, but one should know better.  He or she is typically the only one who benefits.  From the abuser driving you crazy for the things you said or did in the past by repeating them over and over again to phy...

An abuser puts on a good show in front of family and friends, "I love her...I wouldn't know where I would be if it wasn't for him...I want our family to be close...I don't want my babe to leave!"  But the truth is, a mean-spirited man or woman really loves no one-- not even his or her self.  He may buy nice things for himself sometimes.  She might plan a great trip and be on her best behavior for a moment.  These hateful people may even surprise relatives with a gift every now and then.  But an angry man or woman with overt or covert hate, loves no one!  Who has room to love when he or she is often angry, bitter, resentful, and feels rejected? A difficult personality is a challenge to live with and you can't help but think at times, "This person really hates me."  You take all of their burdens and place them on your shoulders rather than giving to their Creator to fix while working on you such as asking y...

After the scratches, the choking, and the incidents with the pillow where he attempted to smother me,  I had to find that place in my mind that I had before I met him, "I'm better than this!  There is no way I would ever let a man hurt me!"  It didn't take long (but long enough--nine months) before I got the courage to start distancing myself away from that ugly man! The professionals were right, it was going to take multiple attempts to leave until I stayed away from him for good.  Even when I successfully left, I still had a yearning to want to be with that abusive man for some months afterward.  I had gotten use to the fighting, lying, cursing, sexing, and the promises that he wouldn't act up again.  If you have ever been with someone abusive, you know how it feels to want to love and be loved and you tell yourself, "It will get better, I know it."  For a little while it does, until a hit, choke, slap, or threat re...

Making excuses for someone cursing at you in the public, beating you for yelling, or keeping something that is yours because he or she is trying to teach you a lesson--whatever the abuser is doing to upset your world is just wrong!  Most of us understand this (those who are free from bad relationships,) but those who are still laboring to love an abusive mate, don't get the lesson until they hit rock bottom like a drunk.  He or she will have to lose everything before one can experience true, lasting freedom! There are no excuses for men or women who are out of their minds--none!  The best place for them is in a doctor's office, mental ward, jail cell, or on a deserted island.  Substance abuse will bring out the worse in anyone, and for some, they never snap back.  Crazy comes and never goes! Yet, the loving, sweet, patient, long-suffering partner, who wishes that his or her God will come and heal a mentally troubled person, will sel...

Click link to watch video: http://abc7.com/news/beating-video-sparks-domestic-violence-debate/300531/

Those around you talk about how nice and understanding your partner appears to be.  They tell you how much they like him or her.  But you know the real person.  You don't bother to correct these people who only see your partner's best side and nothing else. An abuser pretends to care about you when others are around, but when alone with him he makes you feel small, uncomfortable, and nervous.  When in public, the gentleman talks about you as if he is in love with you, but behind closed doors, you are "stupid, a cunt, idiot, dumb..."  He says how much he likes this thing and that one about you in front of others, but when alone with you, "I really don't like you...I think you are pathetic...what did I ever see in you?"  If you should allude to who your dear mother-in-law's son really, share complaints with people he knows, or express your feelings in a private counseling session with him, the abuser will explode! It is the ...

The "Crazy-Making" Behavior of a Narcissist Psychopath Free Forum Gaslighting -making another person believe that he or she is crazy.  

The abuser uses his girlfriend's money to buy gas for the car that he drives to meet someone else.  The victim suspects that there is something very wrong in the relationship, yet she says nothing.  She is fearful that if she should approach him with anything that might even look a little bit like she might be starting an argument, he might flip out. Cheaters don't believe that what they do is wrong.   They justify their cheating ways by saying, "I am just pleasing myself... besides my girlfriend doesn't care about me...She doesn't appreciate me."  Why would a victim care about a cheating man who she is fearful might hurt her?  Abusers don't realize they are to blame when it comes to the brokenness of their victims.  Why doesn't she talk to her man anymore?  Why doesn't she act comfortable around him?  Why doesn't she bother to have sex with him?  These questions and more arise when one feels hurt, abused, and...

How many times have we heard abused women and men say that the relationship with their abusers started out nice?  The individual was "sweet, kind, funny, unique..." but what they overlooked in the conversation as they got to know one another was "my dad abused me...my mother repeatedly hurt me...I was sexually abused...I was beaten for nothing..."  How many relationships had the abuser been in where he/she kicked, slapped, choked, pushed, or did something else violent prior to meeting the unsuspecting victim?  One might never know, but the key point in the conversation with a potential date a person should be paying attention to is, "I had been abused..."  Many victims of abuse learn bad habits, reactions, and other negative things from being with abusers.  They can become increasingly violent, jealous, angry, and emotional in the best of relationships because of trigger statements, familiar behaviors and reactio...

Shepherd's Door Domestic Violence Resource Center hosted their 9th Annual Tea and Brunch Fundraiser on Saturday, July 19, 2014 at the beautiful Langham Huntington Hotel and Spa located in Pasadena CA.  The founder of the center, Linda Offray , hosted the event and included special guests like Anchorwoman Denise Dador, ABC7, U.S. Congresswoman, Judy Chu, Saxophonist Varetta Hidelberg, Comedian Sunda Croonquist, and representatives from the Kaiser Foundation.  Blogger of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Nicholl McGuire, was in attendance.  To learn more about future events and services offered, click here: Shepherd's Door Denise Dador, Linda Offray and Nicholl McGuire Sunda Croonquist , Judy Chu , Linda Offray , and Denise Dador .

How many times will a victim of abuse make excuses, ignore, lie, or cover up what his or her partner has become?  What will it take for the victim to leave? The timing is never right when it comes to leaving an abuser especially when the victim refuses to see the destruction and manipulation in what he or she still feels is a healthy, normal relationship.  The delusional one might want to re-educate his or herself on what a non-abusive relationship looks like where cursing, fighting, silent treatment, and acting jealous and controlling is non-existent.  There are such relationships, believe it or not!  People who assume it is always the other person's fault tend not to see what they need to do to end the blame game.  They live their lives blaming others for everything, but rarely if ever, themselves.  These are definitely the wrong people to talk to when it comes to your personal ch...