Destructive, Manipulative Partner and Too Blind to See

How many times will a victim of abuse make excuses, ignore, lie, or cover up what his or her partner has become?  What will it take for the victim to leave?

The timing is never right when it comes to leaving an abuser especially when the victim refuses to see the destruction and manipulation in what he or she still feels is a healthy, normal relationship.  The delusional one might want to re-educate his or herself on what a non-abusive relationship looks like where cursing, fighting, silent treatment, and acting jealous and controlling is non-existent.  There are such relationships, believe it or not! 

People who assume it is always the other person's fault tend not to see what they need to do to end the blame game.  They live their lives blaming others for everything, but rarely if ever, themselves.  These are definitely the wrong people to talk to when it comes to your personal challenges.  After one has been with an abuser for so long, the lines of right and wrong get twisted like the story one's abusive partner gives to hide cheating, stealing, or lying in the relationship.

People who are hell-bent on proving that the victim deserved one's hurtful remarks, hits, silent treatment, cheating episodes, and the like, know how to play the role of victim themselves.  Ignorant relatives and friends will quickly side with the one who is often complaining about his or her partner while sharing his or her woes.  "I just wish she would act more like...I hate it when he...you know how he is...Remember when I told you about..." cleverly they blame others while hiding the many lies, insults and other things they did to cause the chaos in the home in the first place! 

As much as a victim of emotional and/or mental abuse would love to tell all what is really going on in the household, he or she refrains from sharing such details, since the individual reasons that most people, who have busy lives--filled with their own personal dramas--could care less.  This is why a victim must seek professional help from those who are employed to help hurting people rather than keeping hurt bottled up inside for fear of what loved ones might think.  Many of these victims will attempt to focus on anything they deem positive in the relationship and exaggerate those things just so that they don't have to face the truth about their abusive partnership.

Most victims recognize they are being treated wrongly by partners but having the courage and motivation to end the abuse is what they lack.  It can be difficult to plan to free one's self from an abuser especially during a time when one has very little money and reliable connections.  The thought of having to move from familiar territory can be overwhelming.  Sometimes it is easier for some victims to just wish or pray the destruction and manipulation away, rather than move.  Yet, the pain of abuse only worsens the longer one stays particularly if one's partner is suffering from some kind of mental breakdown.

If you're in an abusive situation, see the truth for what it is, you are in a difficult situation, but you must plan to remove yourself from it if you hope to preserve your sanity.

If you know of someone in an abusive relationship, listen, before you advise, and allow the person to walk you through their situation.  Ask him or her questions that will cause you to think.  Avoid the temptation to be angry or critical.  Offer your assistance.  But if you are in a similar situation, just know that the blind can't lead the blind.  Get the help you need before attempting to help someone else.

Nicholl McGuire