Tuesday

Get Me Out - When the Victim No Longer Wants to Stay

The day that you make up in your mind that you will no longer put up with an emotionally or physically abusive partner, is the day that you are headed toward peace of mind.

You are now ready to focus on your future without the controlling individual dominating every aspect of your mind.  It can be challenging to plan for the day you are officially free from an abuser, but you can do it!  Encourage yourself!  Take baby steps toward independence and don't allow anyone or anything to discourage you in your quest to break free from toxic programming.

Survivors, who were once victims, recognized just how brainwashed they were in their past miserable relationships of power and control.  Abusers bully their victims.  They make promises sometimes keeping them, other times breaking them.  They dominate their lives with their demands.  The longer you stay, the more they keep you under their thumb.

Expecting someone or a group to rescue you from the clutches of an abusive person just might not come because most people will assume you have enough sense to walk out the door.  You can pray, talk with others, orchestrate an exit plan, but if your feet aren't walking, you are there to stay.  For many victims, they never make it out alive.

When a victim is serious about moving on with his or her life, he or she makes an effort to leave. Victims who have finally awakened no longer make excuses for the abuse they incur.  They are no longer weak to their abusers' charm or fearful of upsetting them.  They know they can no longer put up with their mean partners, so they make up in their minds to leave.

You might be that one in a toxic relationship.  You may need to protect children or you already sent them away, now it is time to prepare to get the abuser out of your dwelling or you leave until you have the support system to push him or her out.

Whatever you choose to do or whenever, just know that you can win!  You can be free of the controlling partner if you are willing to let go--activate your faith this day and let God!

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

Your Face Tells it All - Mistreated, Hurt & Confused

With so much going on in people's personal lives, you would think people in our nation wouldn't be living longer due to so much stress they are experiencing.  Yet they survive and with some, barely.

Men and women going through much trial, cover up their personal woes with laughs, nods, winks, eye-catching attire, expensive automobiles, and fabulous homes.  But those of us who have been mistreated recognize those who are going through much.  We can see through the smoke and mirrors.  Delusional people lie to themselves and others about what is really going on at home and caution children, "Don't tell or else..."

The eyes don't lie and yesteryear's bruises tell dark stories on victims' faces.  An abusive spouse or partner rarely admits that he or she is wrong when battles increase.  He or she may have once apologized almost immediately after an offense, but in time admitting to one's faults becomes a rare thing to do.  The mean-spirited partner has grown accustomed to getting away with verbal and/or physical abuse.

A victim's face in photographs, riding in a car next to a partner, while on the phone talking to him/her, or when a spouse's name is mentioned reveals much.  The mood is soon to follow.  An air of tension, negativity, and sometimes impatience, irritability or an unexplained emotional outburst is sure to follow.  When the victim is asked, "Are you okay?  Is everything alright?"  There is a negative tone of voice or a hurried statement, "Fine...Good.  The same.  Must you ask?  Let's talk about something else."  Witnesses eventually stop asking since they aren't the least bit interested in being drawn into the victim's negative space.

So when those in these troubled relationships wonder, "How does family/relative/friend know about me?  Who talked about my relationship?  What is wrong?"  Discerning people know better.  No one didn't have to tell them anything, a victim's face tells it all.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.

Tuesday

Abusive, Explosive Men Can't Handle Women's Issues

Menstruation, peri-menopause, menopause, PMDD, pregnancy, ulcers, clotting, depression, etc., women have their health woes and abusive men who are short on patience, selfish, and lack empathy don't take the news well about their spouses or partners' health "issues" especially when sex is impacted. (Please keep this in mind for those of you who counsel and treat women).

It doesn't matter how often these couples have sex or not, men who are angry for any number of reasons only become more irritated when women complain of cramps or heavy bleeding, are not able to assist them physically with household projects, errands, or business due to a variety of challenging symptoms, and have their share of the blues mentally and are not interested in being intimate.

Selfish partners will grumble, complain, ignore, or reject women even when they are trying their best to be attentive.  There is either very little or no communication because their controlling spouses are pouting and "don't like this...can't we do something...and why not?"  Some of these men are unwilling to listen or compromise much about their partner's health particularly when they know they are not going to get their needs met when they want.  Some will do little to wait on a partner who is unable to walk, care for children, clean household, or make meals. 

Once the abuser's wife or girlfriend is ready to be intimate, the abuser may not be or will punish them for the inconvenience by withholding sex for a long time.  Some abusive men will simply begin their quest to find a lover to replace a partner while blaming the wife or girlfriend for all that is wrong with the relationship.

You may have connected with a controlling man who complained about the women who he dated in the past not ever thinking about their health concerns.  He may have alluded to some problems, but you didn't think that one day the "too good to be true" man would act insensitive about your health challenges. 

Some women will rush to have sex with their abusive partners for fear they will cheat on them only to cause further health problems. They do not give themselves enough time to heal after surgeries, they refuse to treat illnesses for the length of time required, and they will push themselves to assist their partners with projects that require heavy lifting, excessive standing and bending.  Then these same women wonder why they can't seem to get better.  Meanwhile, a partner will complain to parents, siblings, friends or co-workers about "how she doesn't do...she doesn't like to help with..."  The unsuspecting doesn't have a clue about who the poor woman is living with because most abusers have two-faces that they wear.  The good, helpful, and loving guy image in public and the miserable guy at home who resents his good-for-nothing family.

When in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy, they could care less what you are suffering from, how long the symptoms lasts, and would prefer you keep your mouth shut about all that is wrong with you after he or she has already been told.  One individual told me in a condescending tone, "Your period comes every month, so what!"  Despite all of the education he received on my condition (which was worse than most women), he simply didn't care and I avoided him like a plague during that time too! 

These self-centered men or women's main concern is when will you be back to your old self and will "I get to be with you again real soon."  This isn't love or genuine care for you, it is all about him.  If the abuser doesn't feel you are getting better fast enough, he or she will psychologically push you to do what he wants when he wants using power and control.  An abuser's speech will sound like motivation and empathy but is really not--controlling people are being pushy and demanding. 

The emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman is about self!  He wants you to violate doctor's orders sooner rather than later to meet his needs so what about yours!  Don't fall for the charming, guilt or threatening speech!  Some abusers will go so far as to take some things away from you to get you to comply with their demands or worse use children against you. 

"Ever since you got sick, you don't care about me or the kids...get up!  You're not a good mom, because if you were, you would...I don't know what I ever saw in you!  How could you do your man this way?  I was there for you when I wasn't feeling good, so you can't just do this small thing for me!  It's not like you have to do something crazy, I just want you to...Well if you don't I guess I will have to..." the abuser says. 

Your health should be your main priority not an abuser and all the foolishness that comes out his mouth!  Connect with a support system because you will need it when you are down.  Law enforcement, lawyers, parents, home health aides, prayer warriors, social workers, doctors, therapists, extended relatives, friends, support groups, etc. are available to assist you with a cold-bloodied man.   

You live in your body and you are the one who has to experience all that comes with a health challenge not your partner or your children!  If you don't care about you, who will?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

Saturday

It's Such a Happy Father's Day for Some Families But Not All

Happy Father's Day should be reserved for the man who is actually the kind of dad that isn't abusive toward his family.  Yet, men everywhere who are fathers whether good or not are told the statement due to the holiday.  There is a father, stepfather, father-in-law or spiritual father that is either going to get an insincere acknowledgment out of fear from children, "Thanks Dad" or a pass on all the pleasantries on that day from disappointed relatives.

An abusive father knows that what he does for his household compared to the grief he caused his family via power and control is why he might not be appreciated, liked or even loved.  At times abusive men truly feel guilt, shame, and disappointment especially during holidays when other men are reverenced but not them.  What's worse they will project their pain on to the ones in the dwelling for not making them feel good whether overtly or covertly.  That's why one who knows that someone is living with an abusive man should think twice about making references to holidays and demanding that the family spend time with kin.  People on the outside looking in just don't know how much a family has to put up with when a man is down on his luck, acting difficult, jealous of others, feels like his back is up against the wall, and may like to drink much or use drugs.

Many victims grew up with dysfunctional dads while others didn't get to experience a father figure and so both are attracted to men similar to their own fathers.  Stories may have been told of dad being controlling, manipulative, mean-spirited, bitter, a cheat, etc. and for those who witnessed such behavior as children, a partner like this is all-too-familiar and for some this is why they stay, there programming is wrong.  They learned that abuse is tolerable and falsely believe that things will get better, "If I do this...say that..."

Children are sometimes forced to give dad presents or else.  "It's father's day, tell your dad you are grateful, show him some love...don't act like that, your dad loves you," says a brainwashed mother.

Kids are used like pawns in order to get a father to meet household demands he may not have wanted to do initially, but who can say, "No" to a sweet child?  Abusive men can.  They can be cold, calculating, and discerning when mom is putting children up to doing something for her and/or the family.  "So you all are treating me so nice because of a d&mn holiday?  You know full well, I don't do holidays--I could care less!"

If you have experienced such behavior mentioned in this blog from a father or suspect a loved one is in a controlling relationship, understand there is little that you can do.  Until a mother makes up in her mind to leave or get law enforcement involved to deal with the abusive man in her life, she and children will continue to suffer even on Father's Day.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books on this site.  Do check them out.

Power and Control - Who is Your Foe - family, friends, coworkers

Friday

Don't Tell Loved Ones You Didn't Know a Spouse, Partner Was Abusive

There is a big lie that one likes to tell his or herself long after the abusive behavior about a partner has been discovered and that is, "I didn't know my partner was abusive."  Yet, one knows now!  If you have been in a relationship for any significant time, you learned the truth, but you refused to accept it.

  • You knew the day the abusive mate called you out of your name.
  • You knew when you caught him or her in repeated lies and when you confronted your partner, you were intimidated, threatened, and wondered whether he or she was going to hit you.
  • You knew when he or she acted controlling with you, the children, finances, time you spent with others, and where you went.
  • You knew when he or she expected you to report back like a soldier checking in with a sergeant.
  • You knew when your relatives and friends noticed something they didn't like about your love interest early on and you attempted to persuade them to think differently.
  • You knew when the hair on your neck stood up, cold chills ran down your arms, and your stomach churned when once again your partner was angry about something you did or didn't do.
  • You knew when the abuser was harsh with the children and/or the pets.
  • You knew when he or she apologized profusely and promised it would never happen again, but "it" (whatever it is) did over and over again.
  • You knew when your abuser refused to admit that he or she has mental problems.
  • You knew when he or she revealed to you some disturbing details about others the abuser had been involved with.
  • You knew when he or she argued much with you about money and then those arguments led to him or her punishing you via economic abuse, emotional abuse using the silent treatment, passive/aggressive tactics, name-calling, withdrawal of sex, etc.
  • You knew when others told you about him or her hurting them whether verbally or physically and you thought it wouldn't ever happen to you.
  • You knew when you realized you pushed the people you loved the most away to appease your mean-spirited spouse.

You knew!  You knew! You knew!  And you continue to look the other way, make excuses, hide behind lies you and your abuser have conjured up about your dysfunctional relationship!  You knew who you got yourself mixed up with and you hate others when they expose your truth!

God sees.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of books you see on this site.  Purchase one today and read privately online, begin your quest toward FREEDOM today!


Thursday

For the One who Feels Like He or She Has Given Up Much for a Partner

Let's have a reality check with self, shall we?  How much have you given up for a partner lately?  Many emotionally or physically abused women and men will give up much to maintain an unhealthy relationship even though they don't believe that is what they are in.  They will keep a partner around while later regretting much for having made some serious sacrifices in their personal or professional lives. 

So let's examine the lifestyle we had prior to meeting current partners whether we are in functional or dysfunctional relationships.  It doesn't matter how long ago it was that you met a partner, your emotional and physical health may be for the better or for the worse as a result.  Notice similar choices and sacrifices you made in this relationship and compare with others.  The information you uncover about you and others might be so troubling that you may want to sit down with a licensed counselor or meet with a pastor or support group for healing.

Sometimes we overlook negativity in relationships with partners or lovers because it is disheartening.  We don't want to believe that we are at fault about anything especially if the connection goes south, but we all play a part in the relationship's highs and lows.  Therefore, if we don't see the truth for what it is (good or bad, right or wrong), problems will do nothing more than fester leading to more challenges ahead. 

Divorce may be expensive, but needed for those who are sick and tired of riding the emotional or physical roller coaster with uncooperative partners.  Separation, relocation and other ways to disconnect are necessary when one has had enough of someone's secrets, lies and cover ups.  The police will need to be called if a victim is being mentally and physically abused.

Before the spouse or partner, what was your life like?

1) Living with someone, group or alone?  Was the individual or group controlling, had some kind of disorder, often angry and more?

2) Childfree, a child or children?

3) Dating with no strings attached or seeking a serious commitment?

4) Still involved with someone while out on the prowl.

5) Lying to friends and family about the mysterious man or woman's haves and have nots.

6)  Making excuses for lies uncovered with "the one" or other ones?

7) Independent and employed or seeking employment?

8) Debt free or much debt?

9) Fantasies of traveling, sharing interests, getting married etc.

10) Problems with family and friends or close knit drama free?

11) Church attendance, active or not?

12) Active with hobbies, inactive, or no hobbies?

After the spouse or partner, how has your lifestyle been impacted in the following areas?

Notice the differences in each area of your life using the above to help guide you in self-reflection.  What has changed regarding the following topics?  Have you grown or become stagnant since a partner's arrival?

1) Childhood family

2) Children

3) Friends

4) Money

5) Employment

6) Business

7) Hobbies

8) Holidays

9) Faith

10) Accomplishments

11) Losses

12) Personality

Take a moment to pray if you have a faith.  Ask your Creator for wisdom, guidance, and courage.  Once you recognize the truth about your involvement or lack thereof in the relationship, you will want to do some things differently and you will also expect your partner to change as well, but that just might not happen.

Think about this, a man takes up residence in your heart and household, how is your relationship with children now as compared to how it was prior to meeting that person?  What might your children be thinking/observing and will they possibly have a dysfunctional relationship of their own one day too?  Oftentimes people don't break up or delay a separation due to shared assets.  Besides income and debt being affected, what other areas of your life are drastically different since your partner has been in your life?

When victims in bad or somewhat bad relationships discover that what appears to be good in their partners really isn't, they rebel.  Players, pimps, hustlers. "mooch" types, etc. know how to charm to get their way and when it is time to pay up, they do little or nothing without selfish gain. 

Are you finding yourself fighting to keep a relationship together that is simply not worth it?  Do people around you see the light, but you?  Are you driving yourself mad with feelings of insecurity, dependence, so-called keeping the peace, and more just because you are trying to save face and are concerned about what others might think about your spouse or you?

Take out your calculator.  How much money have you spent this year that is directly related to meeting the personal needs/requests of your partner?  How much has he or she spent on meeting your personal needs when you called upon him or her for help?  It doesn't matter the amount you gave, were you available, was he or she?  Sometimes a money trail will reveal the truth about a spouse or partner, follow it sometime.

If you are a woman or man of faith, have you noticed that your prayer life, church attendance or involvement been impacted since meeting him.  Do you find yourself going more to church because you are stressed or overwhelmed with your family life?  Are you seeking God less since being with your partner?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

Wednesday

10 Ways To Survive A Breakup

Recently, you may have received some news that an emotionally and/or physically abusive mate no longer wants to be committed to you.  Although you may have handled the news well in front of his or her face, inside you feel like dying.  The heartache, stomachache and headache you may have experienced or are still experiencing seems like it will never leave.  However, there is hope!  It may take some time to see the sun in your life, but eventually you will see it and it will shine down on you.  Storms never last for always.  The following suggestions are listed to help you heal through the break up.

1) Escape the past.

You created memories with your former mate when you visited certain places, listened to favorite songs, and introduced them to the people that you loved.  However, it is time to give yourself the freedom from those past images, places, and people for a time until you are mentally strong to handle memories that will come upon your mind and possible negative comments from curious family and friends about the relationship.

2) Treat yourself.

It may have been awhile since you have experienced some time alone.  In the past, you may have used your personal time to think of his or her needs.  Now is the time, if you haven’t already, to put your needs first.  Ask yourself what was it that you compromised for the relationship?  If it was something that was beneficial to you mentally and physically and did not cause you or anyone else any harm, consider doing it again (this doesn’t mean drugs, pornography, alcohol or some other negative habit.)  For instance, you may have been very active in a hobby and spent less time at home until he or she came into your life, take up what interests you again.

3) Visit with friends and family.

Some of your friends and family may have commented that ever since you met him or her, you don’t spend any time with them.  Now is the time to catch up with them and apologize if you are guilty for neglecting your healthy relationships.  In the future, you may want to schedule a healthy balance of time between your new mate, family, and friends.

4) Check out self-improvement guides, videos and counseling.

Don’t strike these items from your plan to heal from your break up.  There are many informative books that detail others experiences and how they managed to move on after a break up.  You will learn much from others’ stories and will be better able to handle relationship issues in the future when you accept constructive criticism.

5) Develop a career plan.

Sometimes a career objective is neglected when one is in a time consuming relationship.  If you really want to tell the world you are back and better than ever, do something that will fatten your wallet.  If you need to obtain additional education, then do it.  Wouldn’t it be nice to bump into your ex five years from now driving a car you always wanted, living in a house you always dreamed of, and most of all in love with someone who is so much better than him or her?

6) Plan a vacation.

You may have wanted to go somewhere that your ex didn’t want to visit.  Money may have also been a problem, because you were busily spending it on him or her, now you can indulge yourself.  Consider going alone or with a friend who has a great personality and money to spend.

7) Go to church / attend support group meetings.

There are many people who attend church not for religious reasons, but for spiritual ones.  They understand the need to look outside themselves when dealing with a challenging circumstance.  They know that there is someone or something greater than them and so they put their selves in a place with others who believe like they do.  You may want to associate yourself with people who are hopeful, positive, and willing to provide advice that may help you in your future relationships.

8) Take up a hobby.

With all your mental energy spent from thinking about your former mate, you may want to take up a hobby that will occupy both your mind and body.  Do something that isn’t demanding, strenuous and overwhelming.  The key when selecting a hobby is to find something that will bring out everything positive in you both mentally and physically.  You will know that you have picked something that is really befitting for yourself when people will comment positively on how you look and the way you act. 

9) Check out new entertainment.

When you have taken the time to do everything else on this list, why not throw a party?  You owe it to yourself to have a little fun with the people that you love the most.  If that is too much for you, then make time to go to a movie, bowling alley, sporting event, concert or some other place that will positively add to your life memories.  By getting out and about, you are discovering new things, creating an interesting life that you can share with the next person you meet, and distracting your mind from thinking about your past.

10) Start dating again.


There is no set time on how much one will spend healing from a break up.  Some people need years to heal; others may only need weeks, whatever it takes for you to heal utilize this time wisely.  Looking for a replacement is not the healthy way to get over someone; instead, you will find that not long into the new relationship you will be recreating a similar one from the past.  Your new mate will notice you haven’t moved on from the past and will break up with you.  It is better to take the time to do what makes you happy first!   Once you feel comfortable with yourself and what you need to achieve in life that satisfies you, then pursue a relationship with someone who has similar interests.  Be prepared to accept the new mate with flaws and all.  Tell yourself that he or she isn’t perfect and as you learn more about him or her, make a decision of what you will and will not accept in this new relationship before it gets too serious.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Face Your Foe on Confronting the Critics, Laboring to Love Myself, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry, and many other books, check one out today!

Thursday

Child Sex Abuse - Signs And Symptoms

Child Sexual Abuse - Signs And Symptoms: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

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