Friday

First Time Hit: It Happened, He/She Hit You, Now What?

You may have been one of the few who came to this site in shock, it happened!  You were hit for the first time by someone you trusted, a person who you thought loved you so much.  "How could he/she do that?" you think. 

Right now you might hurt so bad over the incident--can't eat or sleep well.  You don't feel like you can tell anyone.  At this point in the relationship, it really doesn't matter what caused the fight, the point is your partner hit you, now what?  Does this mean that the relationship is over?  Do you have to go to the police?  Will you need to take photos of your bruise?  What do you think?

Every situation is different and every reaction doesn't apply to all situations.  However, the best advice is never stay in any relationship when one has made up in his or her mind to hit your body because he or she was so angry.  No excuses!  "So you hit me because I upset you?  You leave a mark on my body, because you can't control yourself!?  You tell me it's my fault!  Have you lost your mind!  All this information out here that talks about abuse and you hit me!"  You should be fuming. 

By staying in a relationship that has now turned abusive (face the truth, it now is), you are saying to your soon-to-be former partner, "It's okay, I know you were upset...I drove you mad...I apologize too."  But what you are really saying to your abusive mate is, "Don't worry I won't do anything, you can hit me again if I step out of line.  It's okay."  The minute the rage comes back again, the temptation to hit again will return.  The door was opened.  Like sex, once you open the door, sooner or later that person is going to want to come back in for a second round again.  By the way, don't be blinded by sex, it doesn't make the incident go away, it only fuels the next one that might come soon afterward.

You have to know someone very well and know for certain the hit is totally out of character for him or her.  Yet, you must be cautious of this person because he or she could be headed toward some mental breakdown or worse ready to hurt one's self or you again.  Something is causing rage deep within and if he or she doesn't get immediate help, worse things might happen.  Unfortunately, it is going to take some time to trust this person even after he or she gets some help.  You must emphasize, "Get some help or there is no us!"

You can save yourself some future stress by creating an escape plan.  Gradually, prepare your mind, body and spirit to exit the relationship if you believe this person just isn't who you thought he or she was anymore.  I would also document the day and time the abuse happened and take photos.  Store items away from the residence if you are living with this person.

You will need some time for yourself to process everything and you will also need to keep in mind that you can be tempted to want to pay your partner back for what he or she did.  Once again, to keep yourself out of trouble, remove yourself from this volatile situation as soon as possible!

Nicholl McGuire 

Tuesday

Staying with a Crazed Partner Due to Promises

Some women and men in challenging relationships have made promises in the past to a spouse/lover, who they didn't know at the time was mentally disturbed.  Therefore, they feel obligated to fulfill promises, rather than break them despite putting their safety at risk on a daily basis. 

From the dedicated man who says he will take care of his verbally abusive wife (come hell or high water) to the loyal woman who believes that if she does everything that she said she was going to do for a husband years ago, these people believe that everything will be alright.  But it only gets better for a moment before the angry wife is yelling and cursing all over again and the physically abusive man is threatening to kill everyone in the house.  What is really keeping the Used and Abused at the home besides the obvious?  Those damn promises!  They are damning because they don't benefit anyone but the person who is waiting for his victim to make good on them.

In good faith, victims want to do what they believe is right; therefore, they end up staying in their abusive relationships.  For instance, a husband remains in his turbulent marriage, because he promised to assist his wife with the mortgage on the home.  A stay-at-home wife remembers telling her husband that she would take care of the children while he worked.  So these people stay, because their words mean more to them than their safety.  They deceive themselves daily into thinking that "Everyone and everything will be alright if I just get this thing and that one done for my wife/husband."  Once the promise is accomplished, manipulations and lies by a threatening partner keeps his or her victim under the abuser's control.  A new list of promises is then created under pressure by victims.  Abusers hold them accountable.  If the victims don't do what they say and desire to end the relationship, the abuser will find ways to get them to stay.  He or she may pick fights, threaten to keep children, lie to people in the family circle, act nice like being loving and affectionate for a time, and may even buy a gift or a do a service for the victim.  The deceived partner will think that his or her abuser, "Is much better..." when the truth is the alter ego has only gone into hiding until the next dispute triggers another dispute or violent act.

A mentally crazed partner is not going to let his or her mate just take off and go anywhere if it threatens his or her lifestyle especially if he or she has no supportive network, job, transportation, or money.  If a cheating partner enjoys getting around without a worry about the children, he will do any number of things to get his wife to stay.  In situations like this, some women, who feel like an abusive mate will not harm the children, will take off and leave.  She may return to a very appreciative partner who changes his evil ways but for a moment, before acting ugly again.  He may pay her back later for leaving, bring up her broken promises, and threaten that she better not leave again or else.  She walks on eggshells waiting for her partner's next abusive episode and plans in her mind what she is going to tell him to get the crazed man off her back.

A man in a relationship, with a woman who is often angry at him, will do and say things to get her to shut up.  He will make promises, most of which he doesn't fulfill, only to have his wife verbally give him a tongue lashing that just might prompt him to act violently toward her.  Rather than just leave the relationship, he works on his list of promises.  She is content for a time until something happens to cause her to blow up on her mate once again.

Until the abused mate makes up in his or her mind to stop making promises and start making plans to leave his or her crazed partner, the cycle of honeymoon and war, honeymoon and war will keep occurring.  Some will reason, "I am here to stay for better and for worse..." but if worse leaves you with no life (energy, mental reasoning, income, ability to come up higher) to care for your self and children, then what?  If you have a faith, ask your Creator to give you a release from an angry man or woman.  According to the Bible in the book of Proverbs, readers are warned not to get involved with an angry man.  The Bible also speaks of not grieving the Holy Ghost and that your body is the temple of the Spirit.  Think about it. 

Nicholl McGuire 

Wednesday

Mania can resemble schizophrenia or even a crack high!


 

The woman in this video isn't saying or doing anything abusive.  However, the video is being posted for those who have witnessed someone in a similar state of mind.  When you challenge someone who is experiencing mania, you run the risk of having a very heated argument with he or she that just might lead to violence.  Saying things like, "Shut up, you talk too d*mn much!  You are a liar you know you aren't telling the truth!  You aren't that smart, your dumb!" will only further infuriate the mania in the individual.

Here's another example...


When you notice such behavior, best advice, remain calm and find something else to do rather than have a conversation with he or she.  If the manic person follows you around insisting to talk to you, remove yourself out of his or her presence and go somewhere in a public view.  This way there will be other witnesses to the manic person's behavior.  Never turn your back on them when they are in a rage.

Nicholl McGuire

More on Mania...
 

Monday

Victim, Survivor and Abuser - The "Don't Blame Me" Mentality

It is very easy for some to justify why they have this issue and that one as a result of past abuses, recent verbal assaults, and offenses; however, the truth is, there is no excuse for acting like a fool while in a relationship or out of one. 

The survivor boasts about being free, yet the past has a way of rearing it's ugly head every now and then revealing a dark side that would be better left in the closet.  The victim blames his or herself for why the abuser continues to mistreat him or her.  The abuser wants someone to put his or her stamp of approval on his or her unfair, mean-spirited, and downright crazy misdeeds.  Whatever the issue or whoever the person, if one should find his or herself on the wrong side of the law, no one is going to immediately jump to his or her defense.  Those looking on the outside in at a troubled individual, typically will ask the dreaded question, "What did you do?" 

The man or woman, who believes he or she is right about almost everything that he or she does in an incident, while everyone else is in the wrong, is going to find fault with anyone who holds a mirror up to his or her face and says, "You aren't getting off that easy!"  The truth is, the victim/survivor/abuser will be held accountable for his or her part played or not played in whatever drama he or she got his or herself into in the short or long-term. 

"Why would you enter into a relationship knowing full well you had a past riddled with unresolved issues, wouldn't it have been better to remain single?"  the inquisitive witness asks.  "Do you feel like you were right when you put your hands on that woman/man?  And why?" 

One question that always comes up whether you are in or out of a relationship with an abusive mate is, "Why did/do you stay?"  Think of this, one is held accountable for staying in a house that is on fire when he or she could have found ways to either put the fire out or escape.  Therefore, if someone is in danger and they know in the back of their mind that things are volatile where they are and they make no attempt at freeing self, what do you think might happen?  You can almost predict the future.  One day, the survivor's periodic anger outbursts might bring on an unanticipated fight with one who isn't very forgiving.  The victim might become ill, lose a job, or worse pre-maturely die for doing nothing about his or her situation.  As for the abuser, how about he or she loses his or her freedom?  It is it worth it?

The "Don't blame me" mentality is just another excuse that some cry when they are busily covering up for self or someone else's actions or inactions.  "It's not my fault...don't blame me...I didn't ask for trouble..."  Some people just aren't motivated to make any serious life changes, they prefer to shoot the messengers who speak truth.  It takes two to tango in any relationship, but if one doesn't want to dance, no excuses, he or she doesn't have to.

In closing, the confused victim, back-sliding survivor and the violent abuser need not worry over being blamed by a judgmental world, society will simply hold one accountable until the person feels so convicted of wrong-doing that he or she will either change one's evil ways or don't.  It's just that simple.

Whoever you are and whatever your situation, remember hold yourself accountable before someone else does and work hard toward positive change!  When you do, you will be less likely to take offense when someone says, "Why are you still doing/acting/saying...?"

Nicholl McGuire

Friday

Satanist Grew Up in a Household of Abuse


Not Today

Who said love doesn't hurt, wound, scar?
A person who has permitted a loved one to go too far.
She could have ran, but stayed with a man
who kicked her around like a dented tin can.

His past he shared with her,
covered up pain with a fur.
Twisted thoughts, lost hope,
she had found ways to cope.
The young woman remembered when,
trapped she was in dark sin.

"What did I get myself into?"
She took a moment to ask.
While he told her get to work on
yet another meaningless task.

The martyr for all who came before She.
He hit her for what his dad didn't do.
Pushed her for what his mom put him through.
Choked her for what the grandparents knew.
Tripped her for those who lived life the best.
Smothered her for passing yet another test.

All bad memories were supposed to fade away,
because of a special couple's love holiday.
He told her he loved her so very much,
but she flinched everytime he reached out to touch.

He would say anything to keep from being put out,
he knew how he really made her feel when she would shout.

What was she to do now?
Tell him to go away,
Yell at him to go find somewhere else to lay?

She couldn't do it today.


Nicholl McGuire

Friday

Relationships Change - Mid-Life Men and Women in Violent Relationships

For years, they remained faithful to one another, the couple rarely disputed and appeared to be in love to witnesses.  However, now in their 50s and 60s, things have changed in the relationship.  The older man is often threatening to hurt his wife when she asks or tells him to do something.  The wife is often heard by adult children yelling up a storm when her husband disrespects her.  Little does anyone know, the two have taken their anger out on one another physically behind closed doors in the past.  The abused wife reasons, "It was only a little push...an accident when he threw something at the wall..."  Her husband explains, "She drove me crazy that day with all her demands, so I let her have it and then she hit me..." But whatever the issue and how it all got started, violence has made it into a relationship that was once peaceful and no one has yet to explain how did a loving couple grow into a hateful one.  As the brain ages for some, so will the drama increase.  Couples become forgetful, moody, impatient, while the body begins to experience its share of pain.

Not everyone grows old gracefully.  Many women and men are in their graves prematurely while families never bothered to get the details as to how they got there.  The last argument took a toll on one's heart.  The fall down the steps was really a push.  An ill parent was in need of medication, but his or her partner left so as not to be there to give it to him or her.

The mid-life years can be very challenging for some.  They become increasingly unhappy due to things like:  stressful jobs or loss of income, bills, challenging young children or those with disabilities, demanding sons and daughters, and other things that contribute to their madness.  They feel like their backs are up against the wall.  Some never bothered to do much with their lives in their youth, other than work, now they have regrets--especially if they have been diagnosed with an illness and have no family support. 

Some couples will take out their frustrations on one another leaving the marriage unstable or worse headed for divorce.  No one forgives easily when it comes to a physical assault or verbal insult, payback will come sooner or later. 

If you notice that your partner is often angry and increasingly threatening, find some solitude anywhere but in his or her presence.  Sit down and discuss matters once calm and offer assistance, such as an offer to drive him or her to see a doctor about his or her condition.  If suggestions, attempts to help, and other encouraging behavior is met with repeated opposition, do what is in your power, control your life! 

Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

You are Not a Slave

Whether black, red, yellow or white, it doesn't matter the ethnicity, abuse doesn't exclusively occur with just one type of person making a certain dollar amount living in a particular neighborhood.  Many affluent women are abused.  They may not look like it, but they are mentally and sometimes physically wounded to the point that they self-medicate in a variety of ways that only their money can buy.  There are those who are middle class or poor who still manage to smile despite being abused by someone who claims that he or she loves them.  However, with most cases of abuse, a woman or a man is usually in a relationship that looks more like master and slave then two people who love one another.

You are not your mate's slave.  Although for some, this is an obvious truth, but do they really live it?  He runs around town buying her things only to return home listening to a ranting lunatic for a wife.  She attempts to make his favorite meals only for him to throw them out in front of her while criticizing her that she never does anything right.  The emotionally and physically abused try to appease their masters by taking great care to do what is asked of them so that they don't have to hear a spouse or friend curse at them, throw things, talk negatively about relatives and friends, etc.  The abused will create a world around them that has little, if any, relatives or friends who they can confide "just to keep the peace," so they reason.  They rarely have enough energy to deal with others, because that temperamental mate they live with is enough to deal with it.  Their lives are centered around someone who thinks that love is ordering others to do what is asked and if they complete the controller's requests--good, but if not, suffer the consequences.

If this sounds like your relationship, let this New Year bring about change.  Stand up for yourself!  You are not a slave!  Your partner may scream, threaten to harm you, or do other things to put you in the place that he or she has created for you, but don't fall for these old tactics yet again!  Do what you can to make your life easy--let go of some of those burdens!  Burdens of the silent treatment.  Burdens of cursing.  Burdens of complaints.  Burdens of pushing, shoving, kicking, etc.  Burdens!  If you are not ready to leave your abuser and all that you have obtained with him or her, then you must work to stop appeasing your abuser in the meantime.  Start with the little things while you save money and create an exit plan--it doesn't matter how many years you have been with this person, if preserving your life is more important than your mate's, then do something!  For those who believe, they will just ride the miserable relationship out until death, wishing to be placed in your grave is simply not a certain freedom, and if you are spiritual, God may not be ready for you yet, so don't believe that heaven awaits you when your Lord is showing you something different.

Take a look at American History as it relates to slavery for a moment.  You just might recognize some similarities in your current relationship.  Slaves weren't happy.  Some appeared content because they knew no one else but their masters.  Most often they suffered from some type of mental or physical illness.  Slaves aren't free.  They are burdened by their circumstances.  Slaves don't own much of anything and when they attempt to do more with their lives (like empower themselves), they are disciplined--they are faced with consequences for wanting to break free from slavery.  An abuser will berate, ridicule, lie, steal, challenge, and physically fight the victim just so that his or her needs are met.  He or she may want money, sex, a material possession, a date, or anything else from the victim.  If the spouse objects, he or she is made to feel like that was the worse thing he or she could have done.  Therefore, he or she is systematically trained to say, "yes" even when he or she wants to say, "no."  The victim is made to feel guilty when he or she doesn't participate in a project, wants to visit relatives and friends, or shop at stores and appointments without his or her partner.

Try gradually to pull away and move on with your life.  It must be a slow process for some (due to safety reasons), while others may have wealth and children linked with their abuser therefore, timing is everything.  So plan accordingly, but be safe while you create your exit strategy.  Don't let people, who can't help you, get you hurt by listening to them tell you run at the wrong time--there is indeed a season for everything!  Also, keep in mind, that life events have a way of taking an abuser's freedom away or worse placing his or her feet in a grave--what goes around, comes back around, so the old adage goes.  Take a moment to give your burdens over to an Almighty God who sees what you are going through, but is only waiting for you to listen and obey without excuse and fear.  Sincere faith can truly move mountains!

Nicholl McGuire records spiritual wake-up call messages here.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Gadget

This content is not yet available over encrypted connections.

You might also like:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

VideoBar

This content is not yet available over encrypted connections.