Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Permanent scars, they are evident on the faces, arms, backs and legs of many women and men who have been abused by intimate partners.  Creams, lotions, and other health and beauty items can't take away the unsightly markings on bodies or scars on one's heart.  Not everything is fixable. Looking at the face of a forty-something woman, the scar tissue was beyond repair around her puffy eyes after being repeatedly left with black and blue markings on them on and off for well over a decade.  Another woman who had also been badly wounded over the years by her abuser had markings on her body that never went away.  A man who had been fighting with all his lovers in the past, presently lives with old scratches that never healed from the top of his hands after women clawed him over and over again from his attempts to choke them out.  Yesterdays war wounds are reminders of lost tempers. The longer one stays in an abusive relationship, the more he or she find...

An angry, troubled, or mean-spirited partner isn't going to change as long as you enable him or her and neither are you.  How long will you keep loving a screwed up person while sacrificing the love you have for yourself? A victim who has been hurt so much by a partner (and others) is going to eventually withdraw affection in a relationship. How many times does one think you can keep hollering, name-calling, lying, shoving, threatening, and more and the good times are going to keep on rolling? When laboring to love someone, you eventually burn out.  You start to recognize you aren't smiling or laughing like you use to around the individual.  You discover that you can be happy without him or her.  You enjoy life the way God intended as long as the trouble-making, energy sapping person is not around you. Relationships are hard work, but worse with mean, crazy-making people.  These partnerships are mentally and physically demanding with controlling, hot-temp...

Awhile back, I posted this video and felt the need to post again.  If you are still coping with someone who is emotionally and physically draining, please listen. May God give you the spiritual guidance to deliver you from the enemy's vices so that you can experience real joy!  God bless.

When I first heard the song by Usher, OMG, I admit I really liked the music. It was definitely a great song to get you moving. But when I listened to the lyrical content, I began to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, "Baby let me love you down There's so many ways to love ya Baby I can break ya down There's so many ways to love ya Got me like oh my god, I'm so in love. I found you finally, you make me want to say. Oh,oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my gosh." Long after I first heard this song, I still heard the lyrics while going about my day. The character in the song was interested in getting a woman to drop her defenses so that she would sleep with him. The song isn't about "loving" her, but having sex with her in "so many ways" that she would be exclaiming, "Oh my God!" in the bedroom. Once the man causes the woman to orgasm, his game is finished. The unsuspecting woman would not o...

When most people think of abuse in a marriage, they naturally figure that the man is beating the woman (in some cases, the woman actually beats the man). Abuse does not always involve violence though. The greatest form of abuse that is experienced in a troubled marriage is verbal abuse. What exactly is verbal abuse? It is hostile language that is specifically meant to demean and hurt the listener. Many, including the courts, take the side that it is harmless, but that's completely false. It can be just as dangerous as someone waving a knife in your face. This is because it is often a precursor to physical violence. Generally, someone doesn't just walk up to another person and start punching them for no reason. Everything begins with words. Many people know there is no law against verbal abuse in the United States so it probably isn't considered a real problem. These people are wrong. Intense verbal abuse can cause a victim to have feelings of low self wo...

This is some creepy deal. He says he loves you, yet he hits you and then you don't know what to make of it because you are head over heels in love with him. While some say 'If he hits you once, he will most definitely hit you again', others choose 'Not all physical altercation between lovers continues to re-occur'. Now you are stuck in the middle, having to decide. Its two ways actually, it's either, you walk away and never get to realize if the love would have grown better and he never would have hit you again, or you decide to stay in the relationship and meet your untimely death. Yeah! Real scary. I happened to be in an abusive relationship once. And when I got out, I knew better than to ever think of going back. I guess I used to see the signs, but I just decided not to dwell on them. The fact that he was overtly jealous didn't give me cause for concern because I took it that he loved me so much, hence the high level of jealousy and poss...

As an adult have you experienced-but not limited to the following? • Little or no memory of childhood-age 3 to 12 • Trouble with relationships-on the job, in your family • Low self-esteem • Panic attacks-mild to severe • Anxiety • Phobias • Depression • Inability to trust or trusting indiscriminately • alcohol/drug abuse • Obsessive compulsive behavior • Nightmares of being chased, trapped or surreal • Sensory flashes-unable to identify images • Insomnia • Suicidal thoughts or attempts • A sense of going crazy or feeling unreal compared to others • Shame, guilt • Sense of underlying humiliation • Baseless crying • Angry outbursts/rage seemingly for no reason • Inability to recognize feelings • Mood swings • Emotional shut down • Numbing or zoning out • Arthritis/joint pain • Diagnosis of ADD or ADHD, • Labeled an 'airhead' • Chronic/acute fear • Headaches/migraines • Eating disorders-anorexia, bulimia, obesity • PMS • Vaginismus • Gastrointestinal/gynecological disorders • Chro...

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I think some women converse about injuries such as a black eye, missing teeth, burned body part, or choking experience with other victims as if they are in some kind of dark competition. For example, I hear some try to outdo one another by saying things like, "What he did to you...look at what he did to me..." As if the more abuse you have received at the hands of your abuser, the more so-called experience you are in situations such as these! Give me a break! It's nonsense...the way I see it some women have embraced this twisted concept of "once a victim always a victim, so let me show you how bad he hurt me!" The person who has recovered from the abuse and considers herself no longer a victim, but a survivor, doesn't care about your scars or how many you have as compared to hers, all she is listening for in your story is "so have you learned anything?" Some of these "abuse braggers" I call them, usually haven't learned much of any...

Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me," is not at all true. Just as physical abuse is wounding the to body, verbal abuse is deeply wounding to the soul. If you grew up in a verbally and/or emotionally abusive family, you might not realize when you are being abusive and when you are being abused. Behind verbal and emotional abuse is always about a desire to control the other person - to have power over the other's feelings and actions. Verbal abuse includes: • Being Irritable, impatient, and argumentative • Blaming anger, unpredictable anger, hostility, explosiveness, jealousy • Blaming the other for the abuser's behavior • Demanding, ordering • Being critical and judgmental Verbal abuse is al...