Abuse is never something anyone ever deserves to experience, but unfortunately, it's something that can happen to anyone. And when it does happen, it can be even worse when the people who are supposed to have your back, family, are the ones being gaslighting or dismissive about it. It can be challenging for survivors of abuse to confront such relatives, especially if they’ve done it before or if they feel vulnerable.
Abusers and their enablers often minimize past incidences of abuse by pretending it never happened, blaming the victim for it, or making excuses for the abuser's behavior. This attitude only exacerbates the trauma, and it's crucial for survivors to take control of their lives by seeking some closure. In this blog post, we’ll outline some tips on what to say to dismissive and gaslighting relatives and how to let go of toxic family members after ending an abusive relationship.
Speak your truth
When dealing with dismissive or gaslighting relatives, speak your truth without sugarcoating your experience. Share with them the full extent of the harm that your abuser caused you. Use "I" statements that focus on your feelings and your experience of the abuse, such as "I felt scared and alone when…" and “I was harmed…” By sharing your experiences honestly and in a straightforward manner, you take control of your narrative, and there is no room for someone else trying to spin it or negate your experiences.
Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly
If you feel that you can’t be with a whole group of your relatives or specific family members anymore because they’ve hurt you without apologizing, communicate that. Communicate your boundaries clearly to them and make it clear that their behavior is unacceptable. If there are certain topics or conversations, such as those regarding your abuser or past abuses, that you aren’t comfortable discussing, inform your family members of that gently but firmly.
Know When It’s Time to Walk Away
If your family members refuse to listen, continue belittling or denying your experiences, and being wholly dismissive, it may be time to walk away. It might seem difficult at first. However, learning to let go of toxic family members is necessary for your emotional and mental well-being. They could be toxic to your mental health and well-being by constantly diminishing your experiences. Try to make new relationships with people who value and support you.
You Don’t Owe Your Family Anything
It’s important to remember that you don’t owe your family anything, especially those family members who minimize or gaslight your abuse experience. While society puts a lot of emphasis on loyalty to family, the reality is that blood relations aren't a sufficient reason to tolerate abusive behavior. Don't let anyone shame you for prioritizing your well-being and happiness. It's your life, and only you can decide which relationships deserve your time and energy.
Seek Professional Help
If you feel unable to confront your relatives or cope with the trauma alone, please consider reaching out to a mental health practitioner, such as a therapist or counselor, for help. A professional can help you make sense of the emotions and guilt you may be experiencing. In addition, they can give you further guidance and support on how best to confront your dismissive and gaslighting relatives, as well as provide tips on how to heal from the emotional and physical scars of abuse.
Surviving abuse is empowering, but it's not always easy to
follow through. Survivors of abuse need to find the right tools and support
from the people around them to help them cope with the emotional and
psychological trauma that comes with it. Some of these tools have been
discussed above, such as speaking your truth, communicating boundaries clearly,
and seeking professional help. The most critical aspect of healing from abuse
is prioritizing your well-being and letting go of toxic relationships that are detrimental
to your mental wellness. Get empowered and live the life that you deserve - one
that is self-fulfilling, nurturing, and free from all forms of abuse.
Check out Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire both books expose the toxic behaviors of self-absorbed emotionally and/or abusive parents and grandparents and provides tips.
