Cheating is Abusive

She told me for the umpteenth time about this man she once loved coming over to her home, plopping down in front of the television, eating, and then sleeping in her bed.

I guess it would have been okay if they had plans on getting married, but this wasn't the case. He got married while seeing her, weeks after the honeymoon he came back over to have sex. After his visits, he would send her text messages, and acted as if nothing was wrong. He had told her, "Listen I love my child's mother and I want to be with her, but we could still be friends." At first she was shocked, maybe she was still in shock because she did keep letting him in her bed.

Now the wife (after almost two years of on again off again sex) is pregnant and he keeps coming in and out of the ex-girlfriend's life, because she allows him! That's right, she allows such abuse to go on.

So what he is still sleeping with her and so what the wife is pregnant, but what is wrong so wrong about this situation is she just like a woman who has been physically abused repeatedly keeps letting this man hurt her emotionally. She makes excuses, lies and tells everyone what she won't tolerate. Those around her say, "Hmm, okay, yes, that's sad, what?" Either they don't want to hurt her by telling her the truth or they just don't care, whatever their reason, this poor woman is an emotional basket case.

As her real friend, I told her the truth. Look I couldn't sit around and hand her a tissue. No I handed her advice that I picked up from the School of Hard-Knocks. "You are better than him. You are capable of meeting a man, but you will need to give yourself some time to think things through, heal from the drama, and start loving yourself. When you do this, you will be able to attract love in your life. Tell him how you feel. But most of all distance yourself from him. End it." I said more but I can't remember everything and my quotes aren't as accurate as they were that day, but you get the idea.

While she was distancing herself, she had learned that he was lying and he had other women before, during, and after her. "Hope you used a condom with him I said." Just imagine being cheated on not just with one other person, but many others and sometimes he used a condom and sometimes he didn't.

During the time they dated, while she was wondering where he was, he was naked in the bed with a woman here and there and then climbing into her bed. This is a truth that hurts to the core of your being -- it makes some women go mad ripping things up, keying cars, slashing tires, stalking their partners, even threatening to kill the other woman!

This sounds like an old story I went through minus the wife, the insanity (at least on my part) and the pregnancy. You talk about emotional abuse, this is it! You almost obsess over where he is going, what he is telling you, and you fight with the temptation to check his phone, the websites he has visited, and even follow him wherever he goes. You see, you get caught in this crazy web, because you know he is lying.

Rather than play these immature games with him, start living your life without him while your still with him. What I mean by that is don't ask him anything about his whereabouts, stop calling him, and definitely don't put yourself at risk sleeping with him without protection. Instead, create a plan for your life that will keep you so busy and provide you with enough income to say, "Goodbye drama!" It is so liberating to be able to go and come as you please without worrying over a man.

It is absolutely wonderful to find someone who you are compatible with and isn't interested in anyone but you. It is a wonderful experience to look at other women and no longer worry over whether she is the one who slept with your man. But this kind of freedom doesn't come without sacrifice, you have to let him go, you just have to; otherwise, you will keep burning up the telephone lines with yet another story to tell your friends that makes you look foolish.

Nicholl McGuire

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - 7 Ways You Can Make a Difference

You may have heard a story about domestic violence, been a victim yourself or just don't understand why women stay, whatever your reason for being interested in Domestic Violence Awareness, you are at least making an attempt to educate yourself and possibly help someone else and that's all anyone who once was a victim and those who are now deceased would want, but for those people who want to do more, the following are tips to help you get started.

First, conduct research about domestic violence. You should be able to answer some of the why, how, when, what, and who questions related to the subject. Also, read about others' plights. Even though many of the stories have similar patterns, there is always something new in each that may stimulate thoughts of " I never knew that."

Second, be sure that you are sincerely empathetic and not judgmental about those who have been in violent relationships. You will know if you have resolved your own issues about women who stay, by how you react when listening to their stories. If you find that you are pushing down negative feelings and trying hard to refrain from making harsh comments, then it would be best that you don't attend any events or visit places where people are sharing their traumatic ordeals until you can get a command over your own feelings. The last thing that any victim or survivor wants is another person telling them "how stupid" he or she is for staying.

Third, conduct research in your community of existing events about domestic violence awareness. Are there any groups hosting a vigil for the deceased? What about workshops and seminars? Are there any advertisements, public service announcements, fliers, or some other literature readily available and widely seen in your neighborhood to call attention to the problem.

Fourth, find out from local police how they respond to domestic violence calls and what you should do if you hear or witness someone being abused.

Fifth, create a list of ways you may be able to let people know about domestic violence. You may want to distribute information and trinkets with a hotline number and/or create a fund-raiser and give the proceeds to a local women's shelter. Take out ad space in your local newspaper. If you are affiliated with a church, find out how leadership handles domestic violence cases and offer to speak about the issue. You can also work with schools and local colleges to appear as a guest speaker.

Sixth, pen your experience in a form of a book or record your story on audio. Let people know how you overcame your own situation. Then offer your book or audio to individuals or organizations who might be interested in your subject matter. A local theater may be interested in performing your life story in play form.

Lastly, be a good listener. Know what to say and how to say it when someone shares details of their life. Be ready to provide advice. You can obtain information from any women's shelter or simply type in "domestic violence" along with your state's name in your search engine window. A list of organizations are already established with free information to help you.

Nicholl McGuire, Author
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.


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