Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Mom was upset with dad so she went off on children.  She cursed, slapped, and did many more hurtful things.  She really didn't mean to act outrageous.  But Mom didn't want to leave dad and so the honeymoon periods in the household came and went.  The family argued like cats and dogs especially on holidays.  Siblings lashed out, pets ran about, parents acted like fools in front of children.  The house could have been peaceful had adults stopped with wishful thinking that the good ole days would return again. Mom will reap what she has sown when difficult children grow up.  She will hear the feedback, "Why didn't you just leave Dad? What was wrong with you treating us like that?  He just wasn't worth it, Mom!"  Future mother's day holidays will not be so blissful.  Children will grow weary of honoring a woman who has little self-respect and has no intention of doing what's right.  Instead, they will see the victim, selfish, brainwashed, needy, and

The last holiday season of the year will bring out the best in anyone especially if he or she knows that right around the bend is a long awaited breakup.  Now before you start thinking about whether your partner plans on leaving, just know ending a relationship takes time so it doesn't mean that January (or any month) next year applies to you or him/her.  Besides, one's mate might not be the one thinking about leaving, but you are.  So fed up with the relationship roller coaster ride and so done with lies, cheating, abuse, etc., January just might be the right time for you to plan your exit.  However, keep in mind a jilted lover doesn't go away so easily and neither does a violent one, so be sure you have the necessary support system in place from domestic violence counselors to police officers standing by. Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

It is quite foolish for a hot-tempered man, who has repeatedly abused a woman with words and/or fists, to keep thinking that his wife/girlfriend still loves, likes, cares for him, etc. in the way that she once did when they first met.  Many of these victims look and feel unhappy.  They might have a support network, good jobs, and dress well, but when certain triggers arise within, the kind that will make the whole room go silent, the abusive man might want to think twice about closing his eyes at night. Some abusers don't realize that iron wears out that their girlfriends, lovers and wives are going to eventually do and say some things that will make these angry men worried, nervous and possibly scared.  When a man periodically hits a woman, often ignores her, or frequently says mean things to get under her skin, it would make sense for not only the victim to leave the relationship, but he too should plan an exit strategy sooner rather than later and before the police do the pla

What does it feel like for some women to love their men more than they love themselves?  Well, if we look around we can see what these ladies look like compared to those who are selfish.  Hair isn't always kept up.  Clothes are a bit outdated.  Bodies are not as fit as they once were (if ever).  Car dirty.  Yet, their men are the total opposite.  They look and smell good, thanks to the special ladies who buy and maintain the love in a loveless relationship. The women who worship the ground that their men walk on usually don't look as good or better than their men.  Take for instance a relative or friend that you know who has been in a troubled relationship for years.  Notice how she looked when she was in love, now compare that to how she looks since the arguing, fussing and fighting showed up in the relationship. Many hurt women are simply lovesick over their men.  It isn't the kind of "love" feeling that is like the early days of a relationship, but it is a

The paramedics escorted me out of our two-story apartment complex after six police officers were in the other room with the man I still loved.  Although my arm was burnt from the pain of the iron (get book Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate for details), I still cared about him.  I knew that it was over, it was really over this time.  I took a breath, I felt the rage still boiling on the inside--my whole body was hot.  I moved quick--quicker than I ever had in years, adrenaline rush through my body I felt like I could lift anything.  How does a bright, young lady get herself mixed up with a former convict who still had skeletons in his closet? I walked with one paramedic along side of me and the other in front.  I was still so angry that I couldn't rejoice over the fact that I came out alive!  I mean I had just been wrestling with a man who weighed over 200 pounds and stood at about six foot.  A mere 5'3" weighing less than a 120 pounds, I climbed up into the ambulance. 

There is someone out in this world that wants to save the damsel in distress and the man who has grown to hate his wife/girlfriend as a result of being repeatedly abused by her.  The individual wants to be like Jesus and come and save the poor lost soul who chooses to remain in a verbally and physically challenging relationship. "Just come with me, I will take care of you.  I love you...no one will ever hurt you again.  He doesn't know what he is missing, he doesn't appreciate you, but I will.  You will never have to go through this again, I promise." The man or woman attempting to save the victim may mean well, but are these "saviors or Good Samaritans" willing to inherit the baggage that comes with one who has allowed his or herself to be abused for months or even years?  Will they fully understand just how deep one's emotions go when being in a relationship with a hot-tempered, controlling, or often jealous partner?  Nerves are often on edge

Every man has spoken as well as unspoken criteria when it comes to being in a relationship with him whether he chooses to admit it or not.  The same holds true for women. What is in the rule book, so to speak, is often vague, misleading, hurtful, or downright immoral.  A man will show you his playbook by the way he talks to you, what he does and doesn't do for you.  A woman who is captivated by a man's outer appearance may be introduced to his do and don't list subtly at first, and will quickly skim over it or throw it out as if it doesn't exist.  But then in time, the man will be quite bold in what he wants and how he wants it.  When asked whether she saw the signs, read his playbook so to speak, she might reason, "I know what it said, but I really didn't think all the rules applied to me, because I did this for him...I'm not like his ex...I consider myself to be a good catch.  I just don't know why he treats me like this!"  The victim may ha

The victim of verbal and physical abuse will need to be reminded of what a secure and stable-minded woman in a healthy relationship looks like.  She should envision herself the way she was before the verbal insults and violent attacks took place from an abusive partner.  What was she like back then? A woman content with who she is and free of worry about things like: cheating, beatings, lying, and more from a mentally disturbed lover, is a focused individual.  The emotionally stable woman doesn't exhibit many of the following character traits found in her abused sisters such as: nervousness, forgetfulness, frequent mood swings, constant worry, isolation, substance abuse, and an explosive temperament.  When others more beautiful and talented than herself walk into a room, the secure woman with her partner on her side doesn't become immediately downtrodden and worried that her mate is going to try to get a phone number or two.  Two people who sincerely love one another and a

You weren't cautious around your violent boyfriend/partner one night. You slipped up when you drank too much, got angry, or hurled insults during one of your PMS moments.  He didn't forget, abusers never forget!   They wash your face in your ugliness sooner or later, "Look at you...that's why I treat you like I do...you are always f*cking up!"  These abusive men act as if they have never done anything wrong, they attempt to belittle you--make you feel guilty for acting out of control--even if he tempted you to go there!  When in a relationship with a verbal and/or physical abuser, there is no room for slip-ups.  You must tow the line, act like you are perfect.  Operate at 100% most of the time. An angry man, with fluctuating hormones (think low-T or mood disorders) is no different than a woman going through the same things (like perimenopause).  The moody male acts as if he is okay, while the world doesn't suspect that he is really deeply troubled.  "H

Bad Men You Should Avoid

Not ready to let go of a man who name-calls, hits, slams doors, and curses you when he doesn’t like what you say or do, why?   Well, for some women they simply stay because, “I’m not letting that b*tch he’s sleeping with have him!   He is the father of my kids,” says the abused woman.   Meanwhile, “the b*tch doesn’t “want” him, because she already had him and she isn’t much fond of him,” says her friend. You can clearly see from the opening paragraph there is dysfunction, illogical reasoning, and unnecessary drama.   But if you try to talk to someone who is going through something similar or if you are that person, there is no telling you that a man who cheats and disrespects you is not worth keeping.   Instead, you have to one day have an epiphany and realize that you can move on with your life without him.   Now presently your circumstances might not permit a mad dash for the door, but the idea is to start making your way to the door.   Come up with a plan to make your

Far too often, domestic abuse survivors go from the frying pan to the fire on their way out of an abusive relationship. And they wonder how this can happen. While it doesn’t always happen, it’s more common than most people realize. I lived systemic abuse; I write about it, I know it from the core of my being. But, I never understood it so thoroughly until I was asked to explain it to someone whose life was altered dramatically by it. What is “systemic abuse?” The word “systemic” is defined as “relating to or referring to the whole organism.” I liken systemic abuse to any systemic disease. It erodes the very elements that sustain the organism. Systemic abuse, as I see it, is the manifestation of abuse by that deemed to protect the abused. The net result: the perpetuation of domestic violence by the very systems that purport to stop it. Survivors of domestic abuse far too often meet systemic abuse face-to-face in their efforts to seek safety from an abusive partner. She can be the defend

You may have heard a relative, friend or even yourself say, "But I love him..." when someone points out something wrong in your relationship and encourages you to break up with your partner. Usually people who say, "but I love him..." are really saying, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings or mine." You see, people like to put off pain for as long as they can. Sure, the girlfriend may have an abusive partner, and yes she is in plenty enough pain physically, but emotional pain is something different. If you are a mother you know that the physical pain you experience during childbirth is nothing compared to the emotional pain you feel when someone close to you dies. At least with childbirth, you have a chance to catch your breath between contractions, but when someone dies that ache lasts for some their entire lifetime! So when the abused woman says, "But I love him..." she isn't ready to let go, because to let go means that she will