Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Yelling, threatening, punishing...this was not what I signed up for.  What kind of relationship was this?  In the 1990s, I was still discovering unique traits about myself before I ended up in a violent relationship. At times, I wasn't easily understood by family and friends.  Being in an intimate relationship was really not ideal for me at the time.  It was enough trying to figure out my personal interests outside of college and where I might end up being employed later.  I was quite young, a mere 20 years old and not a virgin.  Yet, I still dabbed acne cream on random pimples that would sprout up whenever my menstrual cycle would rear its ugly head. I was still fitting into clothing from the ninth grade and still standing at the bus stop sucking on a lollipop in the words of rapper L.L. Cool J.  I was still cute in the face while my body was maturing in clothing that showed my best features.  The socially sweet, privately cruel abusive m...

Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: Bad Men You Should Avoid Like a Plague : Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame.  In some cases...

The rules are endless when dealing with an abusive partner.  You learn through repeated punishments if you should once again move something of his, open one of her things, talk at the wrong time, or do anything by accident that might aggravate the controlling man or woman in your household. Sometimes you're angry with all the reminders, cursing, and pouting that goes on over petty things.  Other times you walk away to avoid an argument or physical fight, but that doesn't lessen the fear, worry or stress within, now does it?  Some victims will calm their nerves with too much music, eating, exercise, many outings, excessive shopping, lots of cigarettes, alcohol, prescription medicines, and other things just to get through another day.  Is staying with the hot-tempered, controlling man or woman really worth all this? Depending on how long you have been with someone you will reason that, "I've put up with his sh*t all this time, so I might a...

Believe it or not, there are emotionally and physically battered men, women and children in this world who have grown quite accustomed to being in what we would say is "a bad situation."  They have found that staying with abusers is much easier for them then trying to live independently. The pain, relocation stress, worry of bills, children's cries for the angry parent, and more are future issues that they don't want to have to deal with; therefore, these victims just resolve in their minds to stay with abusers.  They have no plans on getting free of anything because they don't believe that the relationship is so bad that they need to leave.  For some victims, they know that their abusers controlling and manipulative tactics are wrong, but they just deal with them anyway while hoping things get better year after year after year.  Others are aware that being hit, choked, slapped, kicked, or shoved is bad, but they don't bothe...

Most women who meet men are seeking to be loved, respected, and protected.  The last thing they want is a man that is troubled or mentally challenged.  But unfortunately, these men exist and their strange, controlling ways can drive your mind to a place where you don't know whether you are coming or going.  So what might be some early signs that your man is driving you insane? 1.  You obsess over trying to fix things for him in an effort to pick up his mood while putting down your own. Everyone makes mistakes, but when in a relationship with someone who is mentally troubled, mistakes are unacceptable.  Not only that, when he makes an error, doesn't feel good, or like something, rather than admit his fault, he looks around for others and things to place the blame.  You might help him by doing things to appease him, but even still, his mind is made up to remain angry, bitter, and confused about whatever the issue is.  There is nothing you can do abou...

They tried to warn you, but you didn't listen.  So in love, you keep spending your money, time, and energy on a man who has a history of using and abusing women.  He may not be as mean-spirited as he once was and he might be okay with you going here and there, but something on the inside of you feels an overwhelming need to keep doing for him at energy levels that might eventually put you on your back in a hospital bed somewhere! When you are upset with him, you have learned how to redirect your anger.  You will talk harshly to the children; rather than your husband/boyfriend/partner.  You will distract yourself with people and their dramas outside of your home so that you don't have to deal with the two-legged one sleeping next to you.  You justify your behavior with "being there for others" and "helping people" while you claim, "My life isn't so bad.  At least my man doesn't do this or that...like her's."  But let's talk about y...

Every time you want to do something different with your life, he has a comment that keeps you from doing what you really want to do.  You take two steps forward, he finds a way to make you take two steps back.  He uses "lack of money for the household" or "not enough time" as excuses to keep you where you are--with him.  He frequently tells you of his so-called work, mental and spiritual challenges to keep you feeling sorry for him. From the looks of things, he seems to be doing well enough financially that he could actually live without you. You thought that living together would be a benefit to the both of you, but it seems he is the only one who is getting the most benefit out of it.  When you protest about your observations, he finds a way to put you back in your place.  When you cry, he gets you a tissue.  When you go to bed early, he taps you on the shoulder for some sex.  You question, "What have I got myself into?"  Good, sleeping beauty...

It was during my time working in England a few years ago when I first wondered about the jealous-man-syndrome. On the way to my apartment at the end of each day, the sight of men sitting patiently in their cars waiting to pick up their wives or girlfriends at work impressed me. Not until one day when a woman friend said that her man always insisted on picking her up after work on the dot each day. If she needed to go for a drink or anywhere else for that matter, she had to tell him in advance. I realized in retrospect that what I was impressed about as men who were taking good care of their ladies were really not there in the parking space for the best of purposes. It is interesting to note that the biggest problems in the dating scene are the controlling and jealous men who are anxious to seek someone to love and relate with. Yet when they have her, they do subtle things to subject her to a sense of reliance on him, hiding behind the mask of "loving her and want...

When I was in an abusive relationship back in 1996, I experienced some of the following things with my mate. It is so sad what we will do for love. I didn't know it at the time that all I was doing was giving him more power over me. He didn't love me anymore or any less. Looking back, he really didn't love himself, so how could he love me? One. We make excuses for his or her behavior. A customer service representative, sales clerk even a friend has witnessed our mate's insane behavior over the littlest of things. So what do we do? We apologize on behalf of our man. We talk about the stress he is under. We expect empathy from everyone because of his past unfortunate circumstances. Two. We lie for him or her. We think that by lying about any problem or situation our partner is experiencing that somehow they will treat us better. If anything, they will take what we did for them and wash our faces with it later. "How can I trust you? You lied to your mother for me!...

What is codependency? I've known numerous men who have been in relationships with clingy, needy, overly-emotional, jealous, and controlling women. These men are frustrated with what they perceive as their girlfriend's flaws. They often don't realize that their own behavior is contributing to the unhealthy relationship and allowing it to persist. These men are often stuck in codependent relationships. The term "codependent" is commonly used to refer to individuals who are overly reliant on their partners, using them as a crutch and not wanting to leave their side. However, it can apply to any unhealthy emotional dependency. When a man stays in a relationships with a clingy, jealous, critical partner, he feels dependent on her approval. Any man with a high level of self-esteem and healthy attitude towards relationships would not tolerate such a relationship. He'd either take action to stop the pattern, or simply leave. Men who get stuck in a codependent relation...