Thursday

The Guilt-ridden, Ashamed Abusive Spouse

For every striking blow, curse word spoken, and silent treatment tactic used, a guilt-ridden and ashamed filled spouse will reap what he or she has sown one day. Eventually what was in darkness comes out into the light.  Cheating ways whether emotional or physical shows up with an unwanted pregnancy or worse incurable illness.  Drunkenness, drug use, lies and cover ups don't stay quiet for all eternity. 

Ancestry reveals the guilt and shame of past generations of manipulative and abusive great grandfathers, their sons and their sons' sons and so on.  For some reading this, they are presently actors and actresses in a life story that will one day be judged by upcoming generations as "sad, poor, bad, ridiculous, stupid...Why would he/she allow such things?" Future offspring will say.

The emotionally and physically abusive spouse believes he or she is the king or queen of his or her castle.  They use power and control behaviors to get their way and expect all in contact with them to bow to them or what others would say in a not so nice way, "Kiss their a$$."  From bragging about all they bought for a household (or not) to telling others how he or she "keeps a partner in check," their mannerisms do nothing more than send them to a sure ruin whether in this life or the next one.  A person who calls himself or herself a believer, while hurting others, is merely deceiving self.


Provoking children to wrath, the miserable parent who can't see the error of his or her ways, causes division in the household.  Gossiping, lying, and exaggerating stories, he or she carries unsettling information among kin.  Abusers are often liars and want nothing more than to protect their subpar reputation with others.  But people who know better, are not blind to the truth.  When kids speak up, stand up for what's right, they aren't testing any one's fragile man or womanhood, they are vessels used by God to show a man or woman his or her ugly ways.  Yet, abusers are quick to send a defiant child packing by any means necessary when confronted by one's demeaning behaviors.

I am no stranger to controlling men or women, so I speak as well as write boldly about the subject of domestic and dating abuse around the Internet.  Much of my work exposes the obvious as well as the not-so obvious about these mean-spirited, but guilt-ridden abusers.  They know they are guilty for things like:

1) A lack of affection toward a spouse which causes strife in the short or long-term in marriage.
2) Past and present lies told which will contribute to verbal and/or physical fighting.
3) A lack of transparency when it comes to finances resulting in distrust.
4) Self-delusion and denial especially when confronted on wrongs.
5) A failure to cooperate or compromise when the opportunity presents itself.
6) Adultery whether emotional and/or physical.
7) A respect for others outside of the home while putting family and friends through much when watchful eyes are not present.
8)  False claims that he or she loves, appreciates, and cares for family when in fact the abuser considers all a burden.
9)  No love for self and others.
10)  Stirring up strife within the family construct and elsewhere while presenting his or herself to be innocent.  This can come in the form of gas-lighting, ignoring, lies, threats of violence, etc.

You might feel led to add to the list criminal activities or illegal things that controlling men and women do on and off the job.  All of what has been mentioned is projected on to their victims in time.  Victims are falsely accused of doing the same things that the abusers are ashamed of whether covertly or overtly.  However, angry men and women have to appear like they are in control, powerful, admired, and of good character; therefore, they will deny they are breaking any regulations, laws, etc. but discerning people know differently. 

Abusers pride themselves on dressing nice, looking young for their age (if they are so lucky), owning nice things, and knowing important people. Meanwhile, deep within they are angry with themselves for once again not stepping it up in their marriages due to their emotional and/or physical cheating with others, abuse, repeatedly lying, and more.

Frustrated because they don't have the kind of personalities and energy to keep people interested in them, controllers take out their anger on their families.  They just don't have "it" like they used to, because they are older, have personal challenges, or simply aren't likeable people.  Bitter because they just can't seem to satisfy their need for material assets particularly on someone else's dime, frugal partners vent and act difficult when it comes to making purchasing decisions.  Jealous because they aren't attractive, successful, or entertaining like others, they spend much time at home or trying very hard to impress others when given the chance.  And so the list goes on.

With so much going on with angry men and women internally and externally (including overlooked personality disorders by family members), they get away with far too many deceitful ways that are later followed up with personal guilt and shame.  "I'm so sorry...Please forgive me...I don't know what I was thinking.  I love you.  You are the best thing that has happened to me," the abuser says,  yet he or she continues to punish his or her partner. 

If you know of someone who has a long history of being abusive toward one's spouse whether alive or deceased, keep in mind you don't take advice from him or her or trust someone like this (even if one is your own parent).  People like this rarely change for they are too hard-hearted and stubborn to see just how wicked they really are.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of some books displayed on this blog including the one this blog is named after, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate."

Tuesday

7 Definite Signs Your Partner Couldn't Care Less About You

Abusive, controlling, selfish individuals or addicts are in a world all their own.  They aren't the least bit interested in what is going on with those around them unless their experiences impact their wallets, roof over their head, and other comforts that they enjoy.

Cross an abuser and he or she will not hesitate to show you just how much the thrill is gone, they could care less.  Some abusive men and women will show off their new partners or leave evidence that they are on the prowl just to anger you just as much as they feel you have upset them.  Oh these uncaring people, know how to fake concern when they aren't quite ready to give you up.

As long as you are willing to make them feel good again, you are a keeper, but when you don't, they reason, "Why should I give a d*mn?  My partner isn't doing anything that makes me feel special."  Despite all the time and money spent, requests addressed, abusive people couldn't care less.

Since actions speak louder than words, how do you know your partner doesn't care for you like he or she claims?

1) You are hurting, bruised, in pain, or bloody and he or she offers little or no assistance.  One's partner is more concerned about covering your wounds up or pushing you to put on a great act around others. The abuser is overly concerned about image and what others may think.

2)  You have spent most if not all of your money paying household bills, gifts for the family, etc. and he or she doesn't bother to ask any questions and will not help you out of debt.  He or she blames you ad tells you shouldn't have done those things if you expected some help.  The abuser ignores your concerns.

3)  Your partner ignores or ridicules you for being physically ill or emotionally upset.  In his or her eyes you are faking, over-the-top, or crazy.  Abusers don't consider their actions or inactions are catalysts as to why one would react or respond negatively to them.

4)  He or she doesn't bother to express genuine gratitude or appreciation and doesn't like it when you do some things for him or her.  No matter what you say or do your cold-hearted partner will sooner or later find fault with or without a smile.

5)  Your mate doesn't genuinely celebrate your achievements.  He or she puts on an act and you know it, but you overlook the lack of expression.

6)  When you go out with your partner, take a photo with him or her, or attempt to communicate, you can clearly see he or she is unhappy being with you.

7) From a family emergency to an accident, the abuser is more concerned about the inconvenience it has caused him or her, but doesn't show much concern for your well-being.

Abusive men and women rarely show care unless of course there are watchful eyes around.  They know how to fake tears, alter their voices, and behave as if they love their family very much, but those of us who have been abused by them know better.

Before you assume that an abuser really loves, respects, and appreciates you, think again!  Some of these men and women are masters at manipulating anyone into believing what they want--what you see isn't what you see and what you need isn't what you need like someone sincerely loving you for you.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and She's Crazy.


Friday

Natural Disasters, Life Challenges and the Abuser

The inconveniences, money lacking, angry about outages, and more, an abusive man or woman is fuming on the inside about a threatening storm or one that has already passed.  People around him or her are watching him or her gradually lose it.  Knowing that the abuser needs assistance, he or she might be on his or her best behavior in front of others for a time before exploding one day on one's partner, children and/or pets. 

Controlling, selfish, jealous, temperamental, and raging abusers are difficult to ride a storm out with when all their comforts are pretty much gone.  Some become so bad that law enforcement has to step in which is actually a good thing because what victims dealt with behind closed doors is now in the open for all to see. This is a good time to move on with one's life in a relationship like this without the user and abuser.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

American Red Cross

Freddie Mac

Disaster Resources

Tax Relief

Those of you who are in emotionally and/or physically abusive relationships find yourself working overtime to calm your partners down, but sometimes all your appeasing does nothing more than aggravate the already irritated abusive one.  The best thing you can do is do your part to assist yourself and others in your family. 

Sometimes natural disasters and other life challenges are a blessing in disguise because people who you wouldn't ordinarily reach out to help you, you will during a tough time.  Something within a victim grows weary of carrying the emotional weight of an abusive partner and it is in that moment that one throws his or her hands up and walks away from all the drama or kicks the abuser out!  Too many battles will drive any one mad and when you are the one who is trying super hard to keep it together while the other is falling apart, you have to choose your battles.  

If you believe in a mighty God, then you know by now that storms show up not only to bring on destruction, but to awaken men and women up to the terrible reality they are living in beckoning them to do something about it.  Are you awake?

Nicholl McGuire, owner and contributor of this blog.
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Face Your Foe
Messages for the Soul
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.