Thursday

Woman: Are You a Hostage in Your Own Home to Your Man's Desires?

Every time you want to do something different with your life, he has a comment that keeps you from doing what you really want to do.  You take two steps forward, he finds a way to make you take two steps back.  He uses "lack of money for the household" or "not enough time" as excuses to keep you where you are--with him.  He frequently tells you of his so-called work, mental and spiritual challenges to keep you feeling sorry for him. From the looks of things, he seems to be doing well enough financially that he could actually live without you.

You thought that living together would be a benefit to the both of you, but it seems he is the only one who is getting the most benefit out of it.  When you protest about your observations, he finds a way to put you back in your place.  When you cry, he gets you a tissue.  When you go to bed early, he taps you on the shoulder for some sex.  You question, "What have I got myself into?"  Good, sleeping beauty, you are finally awake.

It takes some women a few months, a few years, or a lifetime to figure out that everything they ever done while being with their controlling men was manipulated in some way.  If she thought her thoughts, ideas and lifestyle was all her own, she has another thing coming!  She wanted to go back to school, he found a way to talk her out of it.  She tried to break up with him, he found a way to get her back.  She wanted to move into a house, he told her, "We will stay in this apartment."  She wasn't interested in his hobbies, he found a way to get her to assist.  She wasn't quite ready for children, he insisted that he wasn't using a condom or getting snipped. 

There is compromising and then there is controlling.  If I propose something to you to make our lives better, then I should also be open to your proposal to make our lives better.  Instead, the weak-minded woman will go along just to get along rarely pushing any of her ideas.  She tells herself, "Well , maybe he has a point."  She learns to keep her mouth shut and let the man lead at all times.  Some men have took the biblical passages on submission and ran with them to the point that a woman has no voice in their home!  If she should speak up, then she is like a leaky faucet, he reminds her.  The controlling man even knows how to use the Bible to benefit his desires.

So like a prisoner, she does her time.  The only thing that keeps her semi-sane is her self talk about, "Staying positive...not making him angry...and he is such a good man."  Some of these women pass their dysfunction on to unsuspecting daughters.  "Now just hear him out.  He is just trying to help you.  He is like your dad and you know your dad has always been a good provider."  The broken woman comes out of her corner of the boxing ring, ready to fight again.  Her mother's so-called encouraging talk doesn't suffice.  At some point, the broken woman becomes a strong woman and finds herself looking for a knock-out!

There is a window of escape in every relationship.  Let me write that again, there is a window of escape in every relationship!  Someone out there in cyber-world needs to know that!  You just have to look for the opportunity and take it!  At first, you will not want to.  You will talk yourself into staying with the controlling man for reasons like:  home, children, and money.  However, be forewarned that the longer you stay, the more likely you will either suppress who you are or will keep fighting with him for your freedom.  Neither outcome is good and unfortunately some women lose their freedom or worse their lives for staying past their expiration date to leave!  Don't let it happen to you!

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Amazon.com

Tuesday

He Keeps Lying, You Keep Believing Him

What are your boundaries when it comes to relating to your partner?  What will you believe and what won't you?  Questions like this and others are what I ask to those women (and men)  who keep accepting a story from a partner that just doesn't make any sense.  You may be the one in the group who keeps experiencing head and/or stomach upset, because a partner repeatedly tells you one thing and does another.  Then when this partner is confronted with yet another lie, he or she tries to convince you that "you are mistaken" or "don't know what you are talking about."

Can I just say that this kind of relationship is mentally draining and will one day lead to someone physically abusing someone.  No one on the face of this earth who has even a little bit of dignity is going to keep on listening to a liar.  He or she will find a way to either distance his or herself from the liar or worse clobber him or her with their fists.

The frustration, tears, anger and yelling begin to take their toll.  "How many times will you keep lying to me?  What do you take me for? A fool?  You are such a liar!  Why do I keep believing you?"  Liars work hard to try to keep their stories in line, but there will be times when they will slip up.  I recall a time when my gut feeling told me that a former partner of mine was not where he claimed he was supposed to be the whole time, but went elsewhere.  When I confronted him about this, he stammered somewhat, then looked away from me, and calmly claimed he was where he had told me the whole time.  I couldn't prove anything and he knew I couldn't, so I didn't press him anymore about what my gut had been telling me about him.  I never believed anything he said from that point on, I had a liar on my hands and at one time I told him so.  To that, he said, "Well, how can we have a relationship if you don't trust me?"  He was right.  Gradually, I distanced myself from him emotionally and later physically.

Liars say they love you when they don't.  They say they will marry you then they don't.  They say they will be leaving from a job at a particular time knowing that they will be leaving earlier or later depending on their plans.  Liars will say they were at one place, but you find out later they went to two or three other places.  They always have an excuse, reason,  talk too much, or talk too little.

While the liar keeps lying to his wife and/or girlfriend, she keeps making herself believe him.  Her desire for happiness is much greater than the truth.  Her need for a man is much greater than the truth.  Her pride is bigger than the truth.  All she wants is whatever she has set in her mind to want from the man and although she says she wants honesty, she doesn't act like it.  This is why you can't tell your friend whose man is cheating on her the truth, she most likely won't believe you anyway especially if her man is a master liar.

Stay in a relationship with a liar long enough and your anger might take hold of you one day.   Before you know it, you may end up doing something you will later regret.  Make up in your mind today that you will either confront your mate with the truth demand that he keep his word and if not, you walk away no exceptions!  But whatever you decide to do, don't be anyone's fool!

Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

In My Journey to Make Sense Out of Nonsense...

I learned a lot over the years about why I made some of the decisions I made--good, bad or otherwise when it came to my personal and professional lives, but I never saw myself so clearly until I read a book entitled, Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.   If you ever wondered why it seems you care more about others than they do about you then this book may be for you especially if you are in a relationship that is more down these days than up.

We have all encountered some couples that we may have wished deep down inside that we could love like they do and we assume that all must be great in their worlds as compared to our own.   However, the truth is they have their challenges just like everyone else, but the difference is they don't allow them to influence things like their core beliefs, self-esteem, family structure, and other things pertinent to maintaining a great relationship with self and others.  They don't concern themselves with every little thing a partner says and does to the point that it makes them ill.  They aren't interested in being everything to their partner including: mother, father, teacher, counselor, etc.  But the woman who loves too much is always on the frontline doing any and everything her partner, family, in-laws and anyone else she claims to love.

I needed to read this book, because I felt that I was headed to a point of no return when it came to thinking about some past decisions I made that I am not happy about to this day.  I made up in my mind that I was going to go back to the drawing board and find out what is it about me that I tend to attract emotionally unavailable, distant, cold, and angry men.  I wanted to know why I seem to find a "project;" rather than a relationship.  Dysfunctional people and relationships have followed me for years at home and at work.  In my mind, the characteristics of dysfunctional people and settings are familiar and I sit back and make myself feel at home.  I somehow convince myself that, "everything is going to be alright" when it rarely is.

As much as we, women who love too much, want to help others see their flaws and how they affect our worlds, we must realize that we can talk until we are blue in the face, go overboard with doing nice things, and give our bodies away repeatedly to undeserving individuals, but until these people realize their "issues," they will not change.  It is up to us to change ourselves and create a kind of life that is in the best interest of ourselves. 

If you are interested in knowing if you too are a woman who loves too much, please click on the following link that will lead you to a list of characteristics.  Women Who Love Too Much

Nicholl McGuire

Please note:  I don't get anything for recommending the book.  I just hope that it will be a blessing to others, like it has blessed me thus far. 

Friday

Is Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Conceited, Arrogant, Turn People Off?


Why You Should Avoid Marriage
Some people in this world are simply in love with themselves to the point that they are almost obsessed with their beauty, intelligence, material wealth, and the praise they receive from others. Psychologists have a word for people who are overly conceited, self-absorbed, and believe they are better than others. They describe their attitudes and behaviors as narcissistic.
We all possess some of the character traits of a narcissist from time-to-time, but that doesn’t mean we are one. There are those people who have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and expect excessive admiration for what they feel are their exceptional talents, achievements, and other things they do for themselves and others. They are usually very handsome, beautiful people in the public, but at home, behind closed doors, they are far from it. If they feel they are being underappreciated, you will see the haughty, arrogant, jealous side come out. They expect those closest to them to worship them if not more than others. They will say things like, “I don’t think my mate appreciates me,” even though the evidence shows otherwise. They will talk badly about family, friends, and people at their workplace when they disagree with them or criticize their appearance or actions. “All I do for the company and he had the nerve to tell me that I was late completing his request. He should have done it himself.” This may have only been one criticism in months, but the narcissist is going to make a big deal about it. “I don’t know why he said that. I mean we are good friends, he knows I would have turned it in on time, but he was the one that kept me busy doing other things.” Our perfect girlfriend or boyfriend will keep that criticism in the back of his or her mind and will attempt to get back at the supervisor in a passive aggressive type of way “Hiding Anger Why It Isn’t Healthy” by Nicholl McGuire. He or she may turn down a lunch invite by the supervisor hoping that their rejection will send a subtle message. They may stop doing special favors for the boss, because he or she is still upset.
If they can make a “mountain out of a mole hill” so the saying goes at the workplace, they will. What do you think they will do when you live with them? Asking the King or Queen of the house to do something that doesn’t benefit them in anyway almost certainly changes their happy mood into a sour one. “How long is this going to take? You know I had plans to do…I don’t have any gas money to be running you around town.” But they have plenty of time and money to do what they want when they want! Your simple request disrupted the plans in their head. You see in the world of the selfish, they have “their” plans-- the ones you know about and the ones you don’t. They don’t want to do something for nothing and even if they are getting something they may still have a negative attitude which they are hoping you will see and say, “Don’t worry about it I will do it myself!”
You may be dating a person like this and may be considering marrying them, but their behavior is turning you off almost daily, and you wonder if you will be able to look past their issues and enjoy a great relationship with them. Let’s examine some other character traits about them that may bother you and why marriage should be the last thing you should be considering with the narcissist.
Your partner may be particular about his or her appearance to the point that it makes you sick or nervous. Working out often, taking too many diet pills, herbal supplements or drinks, starving themselves, frequently getting hair and nails done to the point that they are maxing out credit cards, and spending far too much money on spa treatments are some of the characteristics of a narcissist.
Your conceited boyfriend or girlfriend is use to receiving adoration from his or her admirers so when you aren’t complimenting them frequently or showering them with praise, they become critical of you. If they can’t find anything on the surface about you, they will look for something. “You know I don’t like the way you talk to me.” When you probe, it turns out you may have told them to do something in a tone that offended them rather than ask them in what they considered a nicer tone (you may have realized this hurt their feelings and already apologized) but your mate will bring it back up again.
Someone or a group of people talked about how intelligent your partner is, “She is so great…He is absolutely wonderful…I couldn’t have done it without him…” Now you or me may take the compliment and humbly say, “Thank you.” But not the narcissist, oh no, they have to give a detailed explanation on the experience, how many hours it took, the degree they received, what others said, and what they hope to do in the future. Did the fan ask for all of that?
Your partner most likely has plenty of childish mannerisms too. He pouts when he doesn’t get his way and may give you the silent treatment “The Nonverbally Abusive Relationship” by Nicholl McGuire. She yells whenever you want to discuss something important. He or she may even act immature when it comes to having sex. When they want it, they expect you to deliver, but when you want it, they seem to never be in the mood. When they are still holding a grudge about something that happened two weeks or two years ago, they may withdraw from intimacy, sex or both. Women narcissists are slightly different than the male narcissist. They are immature too about the matters already discussed, but they are also very childish when it comes to invitations and party planning. If you don’t come to their tea parties, she is talking negatively about you to everyone else. If you don’t offer to help clean up after the event, she is complaining to the other guests. The narcissist’s fantasy world is perfect and everyone is supposed to help with his or her creation with zero error and criticisms. Don’t do anything that might disturb the event, even if it was an accident, you might not be invited back.
Narcissist women and men who are fathers think their parenting style is the best in the world. They have read books and recreated this perfect world in their heads of what a family should look like. They tell parents who are going through their share of childrearing challenges, “Well if I were you I would…You know you should try…I did this with my child and it worked perfectly!” Meanwhile, they have ignored what you said about the strategy not working, but he or she is going to say what they feel anyway. They are also judgmental and think that the reason why you couldn’t do any better or you are having your problems is because “You didn’t do…You should have done…You ought to…” You feel like telling them to “Shut up! No one asked you!”
Children are the mini-me(s) of the narcissists. Some will hold them up in high esteem and others will look at them as nothing more than a disruption of their perfect world. They will say things like “I wasn’t ready for children-- I had plans. Why don’t we consider aborting…?” Others who are okay with the idea of having children will brag and boast about them a great deal. “My child is beautiful…he is so smart…she looks just like me…my children are better looking than most…My child is going to be the next, great…My child is in this group…does this activity…plays this part…” You usually walk away feeling like he or she has no life and so they are building their lives around their children. Of course they are, because their fantasy world fell apart somewhere and now they have to recreate it through their children. Once the children become of age to make their own decisions that is when the narcissist will have many problems with their once favored child.
Narcissistic people can either be very talkative or very quiet. I haven’t personally met one that was in between. The talkative people are either talking a great deal about themselves or the quiet ones are either thinking a lot about themselves. In their fantasy worlds of perfect people, relationships, plans, systems, and so on, they detest the idea that their world can come shattering down by others at any given moment. They are often jealous of others relationships, beauty, careers, finances, material wealth, etc. They often say things like, “They have the perfect relationship, and I hope to have one like that one day. I am going to have a car like his one day. I know someone who can get this for me. I wish my family was more like theirs.” When what they say is called into question such as, “So you and your family aren’t close?” They will say, “I didn’t say that. I love my mom and dad. They were always around when we were children.” However, the reality was that mom may have been a drunk; dad was abusive or left the family home when he or she was a child, and the rest of the family didn’t bother with them. If they told you anything that seemed to cast them in a bad light, they will change the story every time. If anyone in the family tells you anything about them or the family in general that is negative, they will deny everything. “No, what she really meant was…No that didn’t happen…”
Narcissistic people love to exaggerate. Everything, person, event or situation is either: better, funnier, sadder, crazier, or angrier than what it really was. Narcissistic people want to be the center of attention. Celebrities are a good example of this. If you ever want to put a celebrity out of business, orchestrate a huge march, protest against them. If the negative media attention is powerful enough, most of them will go into hiding. Many are narcissistic they thrive on the positive attention and when they don’t get it they worry, so they become desperate and do crazy things just to be in the spotlight.
People who are in love with themselves are really not. They are in lust with who they are. Just as lust is nothing more than a temporary emotion, so are the feelings of the narcissist. He or she is captivated with the idea that someone finds them attractive, intelligent, caring, and nice. But, secretly they don’t like much about themselves. They know they can’t live up to their own standards, let alone anyone else’s and this reality frustrates them. So if they can control or manipulate someone or a situation to at least satisfy their innate need to be perfect, then they will. Their marriages usually don’t last, because their emotions for the one they claim they love were only temporary. It was never really love to begin with. How can they love someone else, when they can’t put down the mirror, their own ideologies, their own needs or wants long enough to see someone else’s appearance and views?
Narcissists are big on saying things like, “I’m my own man! I am not weak. I’m not like those sheep in churches. I don’t need to vote. I’m not influenced by anyone.” They think they don’t need anyone and they believe they aren’t moved by others. However, the truth is they are the biggest rip off artists. They steal people’s ideas all the time and claim they thought of it. They say they can take care of themselves, but when the going gets tough, they are asking you for help. They not only deceive themselves, but are hypocrites too! They say that people who attend churches, get counseling or participate in support groups are weak, but their sad reality is they need help more than anyone. They are like the man or woman who is dying at home and refuses to go to the hospital across the street all because they don’t want anyone to know that they are sick.
Your partner may lie a lot. He may lie in his sleep. The whole idea behind the lying is to protect oneself from conflict. In the narcissist’s world, there is no conflict even if there should be to bring about change. They don’t want to get involved, even though they are the cause of the drama. He or she will lie to get what they want. They will lie to keep from paying for something, he or she may tell his or herself, “Why should I pay for it? I deserve it anyway. It’s not like the company will miss it.” They lie to stay in relationships that benefit them. They aren’t leaving their partners who can help them achieve goals, save money, or do something else for them for two minutes of pleasure, no matter what they say. Narcissists like to keep connections with anyone that can help them, no matter how corrupt the person or relationship has become.
One of the tell-tale signs of the narcissist is their lack of empathy. Tell them a story about someone’s struggle, pain, or success. They don’t care. The quiet narcissist says nothing. He or she makes you feel as if their deaf, dumb or dead. “Did you hear what I just said?” They nod and keep on about their day. They may say something totally unrelated usually something that has to do with their selfish plans going on inside his or her head. The talkative narcissist is looking for faults in any story you bring them, boasting about the obstacles he or she had overcome, and using the opportunity to show off his or her intelligence about the matter.
Narcissists surround themselves with anything that will recreate the world inside their mind. Whether it is pornography, posters of beautiful women and men, magazines that celebrate glamour, movies from the good ole’ days they never grew out of, and various entertainment that stimulate their perfect world. They may spend hours on the Internet surfing social networking sites looking at the “cute” girls and guys. They may window shop for hours just looking at clothes, shoes, purses and other items they could never afford. Narcissists will invite you into their world by announcing their plans to buy a certain thing hoping you will volunteer to buy it for them. They may want you to take them to some place they “always wanted to go.” Sometimes they will go without you and sometimes they won’t. They carry themselves in such a way that makes you feel as if they are cheating on you, some are and some aren’t. Unannounced trips to the store, private phone conversations, late night emails, unexplained days off or leaving work early, mail hidden out of plain view, and other secretive behavior will make any woman or man assume cheating. Sometimes the narcissist isn’t cheating, but only wants to keep to him or herself without answering to anyone. They may have been living this way for years and will not change, because to change means a disruption of a world that they are not willing to compromise for anyone no matter how much you talk to him or her about how their actions make you feel. “Why do you treat me like…Why do you behave like…?” The narcissist will answer, “Because I have been doing it this way for years.”
Some people may be so blinded by love that they go ahead and marry the narcissist. If you should, you already have an idea what you will have to face. So how do you cope? The most important thing you will have to do is take the word “assist” out of narcissist and don’t overdo it. To assist them in their world is to be a servant to them, catering to their needs, putting theirs, above your own. The narcissist sees you as an “answer to their prayers” in more ways than one. In their mind you were put on this planet to benefit them. So if you are hurt, wounded, need to be comforted, you will most likely not feel complete in the narcissist’s arms. If you are expecting genuine compassion, you won’t be getting it from him or her. It will be nothing more than a well-rehearsed, phony act. So learn how to seek support from someone other than your selfish mate.
When things go wrong in your partner’s life such as unexpected children, unemployment, death, and other life circumstances, he will look to place blame on any and everything including you. Agreeing with him and taking responsibility for actions out of your control is not what you want to do. Instead, you walk away from he or she when they are in this kind of mood and find something to do that will lift your spirits.
You will be questioned about anything that is bothering them and they will expect you to explain in detail and all in the same breath tell them why they are better than everyone else. “Who is that man you were talking to…Would you like to be with him…? You aren’t happy with everything I have done for you?” Don’t fall into this trap. If you start giving explanations for everything they question you about, you will start to feel as if you are a child consulting with their parents.
When they are enraged, they will intimidate. Yelling in your face, threatening you, and even acting violently, these are all similar to the physically abusive mate. Except when you mirror their behavior, you will notice the narcissist will suddenly become the rational person who wants to act like an adult and accuse you of acting like a fool. They are very selective of what they will apologize for and it is usually for insignificant things that they have done.
You will feel emotionally and physically drained in the marriage wishing at times that either you or they would jump off a cliff. The emotional rollercoaster ride that you will take changes from one day to the next. Some days you are climbing up a steep hill, other days you are going down the hill as fast as the ride will carry you. I have personally felt like I was losing my mind in this kind of relationship. At times, I felt that he was purposely driving me crazy, so that he could rid of me and keep the children. He told me one day, before we had children, that he wanted children with or without their mother. Loyalty was big on his list and he figured he could have the kind of relationship where his girlfriend and his future children would obey his commands and be of service to him. He learned the hard way that it just isn’t so!
Narcissists are born from narcissistic parents--adults who were extremely judgmental, hard to please, abusive and/or exhibited bad parenting practices. As a child they fantasized about getting away, creating their own perfect family. Instead, what they do is repeat the negative cycle with their partners and children. When they are shown their negative behavior, they either deny that is what they are doing, belittle themselves or those around them, or abandon their family.
From childhood to adulthood, I have been around self-centered people who had low levels of conceit and arrogance in their characters to high levels of flat out selfishness. Angry because no one will go out of their way to bail them out of their problems for the umpteenth time, these people are wonderful to be around in limited doses, but spend any length of time with them and you will want to run away from them. The conversation quickly changes from “How are you?” to “I this…I that….I want…I need.” I personally witnessed disturbing scenes of violence as a result of narcissistic behavior, narcissists being knocked to the floor for inappropriate and judgmental comments. Some examples of narcissist behavior gone awry include: loud mouth bullies upset because someone didn’t cater to their needs, insulted due to constructive criticisms about their relationship, money or parenting. Storming out and slamming doors behind them because someone challenged them to a debate that they know they couldn’t win.
Giving a narcissistic an ultimatum to change their “evil” ways is a waste of breath. You can’t convince a person who believes that they are God’s gift to the world to suddenly admit, “Yes I am wrong, you are right.” You will either have to accept their personality disorder or call it quits.

Nicholl McGuire

For more spiritual insight, visit YouTube channel:  nmenterprise7

Thursday

How to spot signs of a nonverbally abusive relationship

Tips on Handling the Silent Treatment

We have all heard about physical abuse where one hurts another by choking, slapping, hitting, and shoving. We also have heard about emotional abuse where one belittles another through name calling, withdrawing from intimacy, forgetting important dates, lying, cheating, etc. Well nonverbal abuse falls under the category of Psychological or Emotional Abuse as well. This type of abuse is defined as anguish, pain and distress through the use of nonverbal acts. For the purpose of this article we will focus only on the nonverbal acts the abuser uses in a relationship. There is no pushing, shoving, belittling, or name-calling. Instead, the abuser uses silence to control, manipulate, frustrate, anger, and confuse. What is interesting about the one who is using the silent treatment, he or she isn’t always aware that they are doing it which makes it even more challenging to draw his or her attention to the problem.
 
So how do you feel about them treating you this way? Most likely, angry because you may have thought they had forgiven you of past issues; yet, they are still punishing you by not speaking. You may also feel jealous, bitter and maybe even insecure in the relationship because you have noticed how they come alive around others and seem very happy, but with you they are cold and distant. You may be frustrated because one day they are open with you and the next five they are closed. Confusion seems to be a popular feeling with you these days because you can’t seem to figure out if they are upset with you, someone or something else. How do you know which when they don’t confide in you? All of these feelings mixed together make you resent having ever met him or her which adds guilt to your resume of feelings since you don’t want to feel this way, but you can’t help it! These days you want out of the relationship moreso than staying in it!
 
No matter the conversation you try to engage them in, they say very few words or maybe none at all. He or she goes throughout the day “with a speak when spoken to” attitude. It’s as if he or she is ignoring you-- which most likely that is the case. When you attempt to make plans with them they seem bothered, in fact, irritated with your request.
  
When there is a conflict that you want to bring to their attention whether it involves the in-laws, a misplaced item, something they have said or done that was unacceptable, they are very good at denying your memory, perceptions or sanity. They may say, “I don’t remember saying that…I don’t know what you are talking about…that’s not what I heard…my mother didn’t say that…” They avoid any further conversation on the matter by not listening or giving you the silent treatment.
 
The silently abusive lover surrounds his or herself with the following: household projects that they may drag out all day and night, an exaggerated preoccupation with the children such as tending to them when they don’t need to be tended to, spending hours on the phone or outside the home with relatives and friends (sometimes without you knowing about it,) or making plans to attend events without speaking to you about them until the last minute (knowing that you won’t have time to get ready.) The busier they are the less opportunity to talk and when there are fewer chances to talk, they know less questions will be asked (particularly if he or she has something to hide.)

He or she may not realize they are hurting you. How could they anyway? Since they have built a fortress around themselves that they can’t see out of? They have enough issues going on inside their mind, so to come out of his or her world to see how he or she might be affecting you, may be a bit of a chore. It’s too much work for them to solve their own problems, let alone examine yours. So where did this silent treatment behavior come from? Like so many self-help books preach, childhood. His or her parents were emotionally abusive to them in many ways, so they took what they learned from mom and dad and applied it to their intimate relationships. Your partner may have a long list of broken hearted girlfriends, boyfriends, or spouses as a result of his or her behavior.

The emotionally abused child an adult had been was often ignored by their parents and when he or she reached out to an adult, they were told to “Go over there and sit down and play! Stay in a child’s place! You know I don’t play games.” They experienced rejection when they needed an adult most, “Don’t you see I am trying to watch TV? What are you crying for now? No I don’t want to hug. You know not to kiss me.” Isolated when the child wanted to socialize with other family members or peers, “No you aren’t going to your cousin’s house so quit asking. You’re not going to anyone’s house! I don’t want you going to church with them. No your friend can’t stay over our house.” The child is also exploited or corrupted by adults such as encouraging them to steal, lie, perform sexual acts, etc. “Hide this for me. Don’t tell anyone. Say I’m not here. Do it and I will give you some candy.” The parent verbally assaults them by name-calling, belittling, shaming ridiculing, or threatening the child, “You are so stupid, no wonder the kids in school don’t like you. Look at that big nose, you definitely got that from your mother’s side of the family. You didn’t get that dark skin from us. You have such big bumps on your face, do us a favor don’t take any ugly school pictures, okay?” The parent may terrorize the child by bullying that may include putting them in a dangerous or chaotic situation or placing rigid or unrealistic expectations on a child such as telling them, “I expect you to get straight As or else! Don’t bring another bad grade in this house or I will beat you!” Some parents will neglect proper medical treatment for a child by saying, “My child is just acting like most children who lost a parent, he doesn’t need any mental therapy. That doesn’t hurt that bad…I’m not taking you to the hospital I have enough bills!”
 
So now this emotionally scarred child is now a full grown emotionally scarred adult who is acting in similar ways toward you. He or she is ignoring you, withdrawing from you, taking out their anger on the children, or spending long hours, days or maybe weeks away from home.
 
So you have this problem with the way he or she acts toward you (and the family) and you would like to talk to him or her about it? You will need to know how to engage them in conversation at the right place at the right time as well as other ways to communicate how you feel. Be prepared to have your work cut out for you. People, who are nonverbal, are skilled at distraction. They know how to divert themselves away from situations that may appear to be problematic. “Oh no, she wants to talk, better turn on the TV, better yet where are my headphones? I could get Tommy ready for bed and stay in his room until he falls asleep,” he tells himself. Meanwhile, you are thinking of what you are going to say and when you are going to say it and it is obvious that if you attempt to do anything now he or she won’t be listening.
 
Women who are not physically abusive and don’t play the silent treatment game will excessively converse about insignificant matters to avoid the significant ones. Although this isn’t extreme behavior it can be frustrating to her partner who is trying to communicate with her about serious topics that she rather put off. Suddenly she wants to talk about everything to avoid accusations or questions. The best way to handle the emotionally abusive mate is allow your actions to speak louder than your words similar to how they treat you minus the abuse.
 
You may have already communicated your feelings about various issues with your partner; however, if you haven’t already; no matter how quiet they are, do it anyway! They are listening whether they acknowledge you or not. Then follow up what you say with action. When your self-centered partner sees you mean what you say, they will begin to see that their inaction is having a profound impact on the relationship, and if they care about you –even a little bit—they will start to behave differently. He or she may tell you about his or her day at work when asked, they may want to know how you have been, and they may share something they have read or watched on TV – even though it isn’t much it’s a start. Welcome the conversation big or small and let them dominate it from time-to-time, they may open up more! It takes time for them to come out of their shell, just like it took time for you to notice they were in a shell.
 
One of the biggest mistakes people do in relationships is center their world around their mates. You have a life too! If you choose to stay in this relationship, you will need to focus on yourself as well. The following are some ways you can get back in touch with you.

First ask yourself, what are your goals and needs? Join a network of people who may be able to assist you with your aspirations or take up a hobby. This allows you some time to focus more on you and less on your partner.

Second, have a faith! You will need one when you are dealing with someone else’s childhood baggage. They may have never had anyone pray for the things they are battling with on the inside.

Third, reconnect with family and friends who may have accused you of not having time for them, because you have been so stressed with your mate.

Fourth, establish new friendships when you feel you are no longer able to benefit from the old ones. New relationships help you revaluate your wants and desires in life and offer a fresh perspective.

Fifth, if you have decided to end your relationship, avoid starting any new ones until you have assessed how much this person has negatively impacted you. The last thing you want to do is bring your old baggage into a new relationship. Also, this is a valuable time for you to create the kind of life for yourself you always wanted.

Sixth, if you don’t have any children with this person, keep it that way! Protect yourself from any unwanted pregnancy, chances are he or she may know that they are just not equipped mentally to handle the demands of childrearing. Don’t pressure them either to have children or to become pregnant again after losing one (if you have a faith you know this is God’s way of telling you, “No, not now.”)

Seventh, learn as much as you can about your mate and question what you do not understand. Sometimes people have habits or make statements that hurt others and they continue to do it, because people don’t bother to hold them accountable.

Lastly, and most importantly, don’t be his or her counselor unless you are prepared to deal with a future break-up. Just as therapist and patient relationships end, yours will too if you change your role of partner to psychologist. Don’t put yourself in that position; instead, let he or she get their own help while you get yours. 

In the meantime, you can educate yourself on why he or she acts the way they do. You can call their attention to actions they may be doing that hurt you or the children. Talk to family members and friends about childhood stories (as they come up) by sharing a few of your own, so that you can get further understanding about your partner (mainly if you have children.) Read books about people who behave similar to he or she. Most of all, prepare to make a decision on whether you will be able to accept them just the way they are or will you have to move on in life without them?

Tuesday

What Some Men will Do to Break Down a Woman Emotionally

When I first heard the song by Usher, OMG, I admit I really liked the music. It was definitely a great song to get you moving. But when I listened to the lyrical content, I began to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach,

"Baby let me love you down

There's so many ways to love ya

Baby I can break ya down

There's so many ways to love ya

Got me like oh my god, I'm so in love.


I found you finally, you make me want to say.

Oh,oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my gosh."

Long after I first heard this song, I still heard the lyrics while going about my day. The character in the song was interested in getting a woman to drop her defenses so that she would sleep with him. The song isn't about "loving" her, but having sex with her in "so many ways" that she would be exclaiming, "Oh my God!" in the bedroom. Once the man causes the woman to orgasm, his game is finished. The unsuspecting woman would not only be physically broken down, if she lets him break her down, but mentally as well. It might be safe to assume that in reality, some men are advised by their elders, mentors and/or the entertainment industry, "Get inside a woman's head and you will get in her bed." It's apparent that with the singer's smooth sexy vocals, he would most likely accomplish his goal successfully.

If you are a woman with any dating experience, then you know there are games men play. Whether the games are considered good or evil, depending on who you talk to, there is always someone willing to play them with unsuspecting individuals. So many women and men say they don't play any head games when dating, but the truth is the day we dressed our faces and bodies up better than normal, articulated our thoughts in a way to win our dates over, and most of all interacted with them the best we knew how, the games began. Of course you want to make a good impression, but how far would you go to make a lasting one?

Some women are careful about what they say and do during a date so as not to turn him off and they also do things that they wouldn't ordinarily do to impress a man. Those who know better would observe the seductive woman and her player for a date and say, "You both are running game on one another." So who do you think would make the first move that would lead the two in the bedroom?

What might a man do to psychologically break a woman down so that arms, heart and legs are spread wide open? Well in order to know whether you (or that friend of yours) is a pawn in a player's game, you have to understand it first.

One of the first things any man is going to do to impress the apple of his eye is start off acting like a gentleman. For example, he might open and close doors, spend a lot of money on the first date, and ask you if you need anything to ensure that you are comfortable being in his presence.

The next thing he may have done already in his mind is create memorable events that will keep you wanting to be in his presence. So he is going to create an atmosphere that keeps you entertained. He knows that some women can become easily bored and/or annoyed, so he's going to ensure that everything he has planned for the date is in working order from his car to the waiter.

To make you feel good about being around him, he may also give you a small gift, something like: a rose, a gift card, CD, DVD, or book to show his appreciation and let you know he was listening to you when you two spoke over the phone. This small action will assist him in lowering your defenses, of course.

He might turn up intimate moments with you by sharing flattering comments he may have thought of in advance or told others about you. Sometimes he may just say whatever he feels while hoping you will say something nice back. This is a test to see how willing you are to sleep with him later. A true gentleman isn't focused on the sex and may even put if off for as long as you like.

When dates between you and he begin to increase and he is really showing an interest in you, he may ask to meet your relatives. This is just so that he makes you feel like he is serious, learn a bit more about you, and hopefully use your family to play a small part in encouraging you to keep him around. However, a player doesn't care about meeting the relatives especially if you have a few clairvoyants around.

One way he makes you trust him is by providing you with details about his past. In your mind, you will reason that he is open and honest because he shared a few details about his life. (That is nothing to get excited about.) A man feels the more you trust him, the more likely you will want to do other things for him besides give up sex--more on this point later.

The compliments keep coming as days, turn into weeks of being together, but eventually they will slow. He will keep showering them in abundance if he has yet to experience sex with you. He may also keep with them if you are the best in bed he has had in a long time. But what goes up, will come down.

Now once he has you right where he wants you with your nose wide open, ready to defend him if anyone should say otherwise, he will then feel comfortable enough to walk away from the relationship, because he has already "broke you down." But for some men, time is as valuable as money, so he just might stick around. Remember, the point about the more a man feels you trust him, the more likely you will want to do other things for him? Well those points are as follows when he wants to keep you around for awhile.

He may feel comfortable enough with you to ask you for money and help him with domestic tasks like cooking and cleaning. Did you think that you would always come to his place, ride in his car or take from him and not do other things besides have sex?

In time, he will tell you what he thinks about your appearance. This might be just before, during or after a disagreement. If you point out one of his flaws, like a child being teased, he will respond negatively. It may not be right at that moment, but one day he will.

Your date may start to criticize your actions or in-actions when it comes to addressing his needs. "You said that you would be over at 8 p.m., but you are always late...I don't like my food this way, I prefer it that way, I thought I told you that already. You don't cook? I like a woman who can cook her man a meal."

He may offer his thoughts about your family, hobbies, employment and other things in an unflattering way. Sometimes his bold comments might be hurtful, but you excuse them and reason, he is just being truthful.

Your date might share his dreams with you, and ask you to be a part of them. Meanwhile, you are putting yours off. On the surface, it seems nice helping someone accomplish their dreams, but what if his sole reason for doing so much for you in the past is to set you up for what he always wanted? You will one day ask yourself, when will you both work toward your dreams?

This man may act disinterested about your personal beliefs, but very interested in your friendships with the opposite sex, so much in fact that he doesn't want you to have them. If this should happen, you might have broken him down in some ways to the point that now he is controlling. He may have went along with some of your suggestions and granted your favors over the course of the relationship, so now he feels like he has a say so on who you can and can't talk to. For some women, they don't recognize when they are being controlled, because most likely one of their parents or both were controlling, so it all seems comfortable to them.

Now the once gentleman turned control freak has exhausted himself with you, he might find someone else or he may stick around if he sees that you are willing to go along with his program. Test him, find out if there is any room for you to feel comfortable being who you are in the relationship. When you notice that your suggestions or concerns are gradually being put off more and more and you excuse him for it, you may realize that he has broken you down like the woman in the Usher song. He has given you a false sense of love in so many ways. Maybe in the beginning of the dating relationship you were a challenge, but not after he has had sex with you, got you to perform household chores, assisted him with his finances, errand running, and other similar things.

He might keep you around a little longer, because he sees how he can benefit from you or he might not. It all depends on the man. If he is sincerely in love with you, he will hear your protests and change his sneaky ways, but if he is not, he will only get worse!

Some men will become abusive when they are confronted about their erratic moods, selfish actions and more. They will hit, choke or grab their partners which further breaks them down mentally and physically. A depressed partner might stay in the relationship out of obligation and fear all the while thinking she could do better, but she wants to stay and help him. The abuser will apologize, then repeat the cycle days, months even years later. Their partners may cry, "I thought you wouldn't do that again!" But they do! Cheating and name-calling is also abusive. Daily curses, lying and covering up questionable events - all break down people. An abused woman will defend her abuser. Some of these abusive men have drug habits. A woman who may have once objected to using drugs, may go along just to get along. Now she is not only mentally broken down, but also susceptible to becoming a drug abuser.

So there are many ways to hurt not love a woman, according to the player, and if she isn't too careful she may be broken down to the point that one day she won't be able to get back up on her feet.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Gadget

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