Thursday

My Life With Narcissistic Parents #3


How Do You Know When It's Time to Go?

When you have taken all that you can take.

Everything on your body hurts.

You can't smile anymore.

When no one seems to care anymore whether you live or die.

When the children warn you about your behavior.

When relatives are fearful he might kill you.

When you can't do the things you like to do without worry.

It's time to go.


Nicholl McGuire


Wednesday

His Money, His Stuff, His World and Where Do You Fit? Abusive Relationships

She went snooping yet again in search of something that proves he was with another woman the night before, and she found it.  But what she didn't know, is that he was standing behind her, watching, the whole time she rumbled in his bag!  Uh oh...

His Money

When a woman agrees to be in a relationship where the man is footing the majority of the bill, she knows that she has to not only respect the head of house, but also the money as well.  She can't spend the money on whatever she wants, when she wants without asking her man permission.  This is why so many women make their own!  Some women don't like to hear such things, but when a man takes over the finances, there are typically rules that one follows just like if a woman was the bread-winner in the household.  However, in a world where women are abused every five seconds, money is scarce for many.  The man controls everything and if the woman rubs her moody partner the wrong way, she risks being put outdoors.  Just imagine, you clean your home, cook in it, take a bath in it, and do everything else, and then along comes someone telling you to, "Get out!"  Now what?

His Stuff

The controlling man who is sensitive over everything his family says and does, could leave--he could be the one to, "Get out!"  But do you think he will when he bought just about everything in the home?  Think again!  He knows how to charm his woman/wife back into his arms by making false promises when he realizes that leaving is not what he wants her to do.  However, when he is angered yet again about "my stuff" he is going to exercise control over his stuff!  "Don't move my stuff...leave my stuff alone...I'm not getting rid of my stuff...I will get to it when I get to it!"  Another dispute about his stuff, in an abusive relationship, most likely leads to the woman being verbally assaulted, threatened along with that cold stare, shoved, smacked, kicked, or something else.  After enough abuse, she knows not to touch his stuff!

His World

He tells his woman who is welcomed into his world--family and friends need not invite yourselves over. She convinces herself that it is her decision not to invite this one and that one to her home.  Her frustration with her husband's/boyfriend's house rules is taken out, not on her abuser, but those around her.  "Don't place that there...don't put your feet here...clean up that...don't move this...he might get angry if you..."  So people don't bother with her or "his" world.

The abused woman doesn't fit anywhere in a home that she shares with a verbally abusive motor mouth or a physically abusive Satan of a man, instead, all that is, is his and all that is her's is his.  She makes up excuses as to why he behaves in the way that he does.  She thinks that she is a good person for putting up with someone who is obviously dysfunctional in his mind.  He doesn't view his world the way she does.  What he says goes, and that's final.  Abused women tell themselves and others that they control their lives, but the reality is, they don't.  When the man feels like doing something, she abides.  When the man tells her to do or not to do something, she listens.  Ignorant women who have had little life experience when it comes to healthy relationships fall into these traps and unfortunately take daughters, nieces, and other female relatives and companions with them.

There is nothing healthy about being in a relationship with a man who dominates everything in and outside the home.  No amount of tough talk makes any sense when everything is being given to the man.  He ought not discipline his wife/girlfriend like a child or a soldier.  He is not a sergeant, a king, or so important that he should be treated this way and that way.  Don't encourage him by accepting his foolish ways.  Don't encourage him by exalting him before others as if he is a god with statements like, "My husband is the greatest...my husband is the best...my husband is wonderful..."  The truth is he is not any of those things, he is sick!

May no woman labor to love any man in the upcoming new year while being beat down mentally and physically!  May God free her from her abusive lifestyle in Jesus name!

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.
 

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Wednesday

6 Things Abused Women and Men Do to Survive in Abusive Relationships

Some people may wonder why women and men remain with their toxic partners for so long. They have many reasons from children to money, but until they are ready to leave, they will settle. Settling means dealing with the emotional and/or physical abuse. Now we all know it is never a good idea to be with someone who is hurtful toward you, but sometimes women and men will put their time in, so to speak, until they are mentally and physically ready to leave. However, sometimes they never make it out of a terrible partnership alive.

So what are the victims of abuse doing to stay motivated to be with a mate?

1. They busy themselves.

The more projects to do, people to care for, and places to visit, the more the person in an abusive relationship will look the other way when it comes to a partner’s abuses. For some people, they become so good at running, they begin to think that all is well at home until a partner starts “loosing it” again.

2. They distract themselves from having to truly feel the pain of being abused.

From alcohol to an ice pack, if one’s mind stays focused on the numbing affect and the hope for healing, he or she will stop thinking about what caused the pain in the first place. A week, month or year later, the pain isn’t so bad and the crime isn’t thought about anymore, all is forgiven until next time.

3. They create a false image of their partners who they believe love them.

Victims boast to their friends, “He’s really a great guy…if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have what I have…deep down inside, he really means well.  She is a good girl, she is very smart!” These optimistic, yet abused, men and women focus on the positive attributes of their abusive partner’s character while suffocating the reality that their partners are toxic and that they have far more negative character traits than good ones.

4. They lie to themselves and others.

“Things will get better I know it…it was really my fault when he blew up…He didn’t really mean to say that. I know my man!” If all these statements were true, then why do these abused men and women walk on egg shells around their mates? Why is it that others don’t have the kind of drama that they have and when those who are in functional relationships do have problems, they don’t feel the need to lie or cover them up?

5. They lean on God or some other gods.

In an effort to feel empowered and to keep hoping that things will get better, victims will lean on God or many gods to save them. When the reality is that they have the will to free themselves, yet choose to stay. God or gods don’t interfere with man’s free will, but the enemy of self along with other human beings do!

6. They come up with plans of escape, but oftentimes don't follow through.

From material wealth to children, abused people will reason that they need to stay because the alternatives aren’t much better. Therefore, whatever plan they had in mind is put on the back-burner. It also doesn’t help that sometimes they will communicate their intentions to their abusers which will cause them to persuade their mates not to leave them.

So if you ever wondered how abused men and women can stand to be with their often moody partners (some of which have severe mental issues) for decades, while incurring verbal and physical abuse, you just learned how. Now couple any one of the mentioned survival methods with a motivation “to be there for the children,” according to some abused individuals, and they will labor to love their abusive mates until they die despite all sound advice discouraging them to end the energy-draining relationship.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.

Saturday

The Holidays: He Hit Her Again and She Said It was Her Fault

Everyone has to tip toe around her temperamental man.  She has brought much drama into the family when she got with him and people are angered with her because of it.  As the holidays fast approach, the couple has been arguing about money, family, and where to put a Christmas tree.  There is unnecessary chaos in the woman's home and it only got worse when he hit her, again!

This is just a made-up scenario, but it happens, couples fighting over so many things and relatives and friends can only further complicate matters with, "She deserved it...you know how she can be.  Let's eat." 

Abused women will be showing up at family gatherings everywhere trying to excuse yet another bruise for being "...my fault."  Well, don't buy into that one!  Ask yourself, "Why would a grown woman have black and blue marks on her face, hands, arms, stomach, back, or elsewhere and it was all her fault?"  Unless she fell down somewhere with no one around, then okay believe it, but if her man is stuck to her like glue to paper, know that he did it!

There are abusive partners going to jail now, in the near future, and more to come, because families are getting weary of keeping secrets.  They are tired of looking the other way and keeping quiet because "He told me I better or else..."  The abused woman can live that way, but she shouldn't expect her family to.  It is better that she stay home with her drama, then to bring it to someone's home and expect everyone to play a part in her sick story.

She claims it wasn't his fault when she was pushed down the steps, choked, beaten in the face, bit, and abused in other ways again, again and again!  But it was his fault!  It was his fault when the children heard the noises in the next room or when others saw it all while they opened their Christmas gifts.  And most of all, it was the family's fault when they seen yet another sick woman come to their home that their son, uncle, nephew, or other loved one abused and they did nothing about it except gossip.  For those of you who don't say or do anything, if you claim to be believers, you know the poor woman's blood will be on your hands. Get her some help!

Note: Here's a gift idea instead of opening gifts when the troubled couple show up to your home, have an intervention and then send the male relatives along with the police over to their home to help her move or gather money for her to move out, but don't give it to her--announce that when she is serious about leaving him, the family will make the arrangements.  But whatever you do, don't send her and the children back with the abuser, unless she wants to go to another abusive episode.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of the following books:

Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273
When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/904839
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3113926

Sunday

Joy in the Morning

Weeping endureth the night
so who would have guessed the night


Baby, why do you have a knife
I didnʼt mean it, I love you, your my wife

lets talk about this
all things are possible with God in the mix

Put it down and give me hug
All I wanna do is Love

this argument got way out of order
It was my fault, sort of

but thatʼs doesʼt matter
I move slow as if I instantly gotten fatter

Was it the attention, was it my tone, could it be the money I would give all up if you will still be my honey
Let me hold you, no more mourning
Cause joy is coming in the morning


by Shane O'Garro

Tuesday

Laboring to Love Yourself after a Relationship Breakup


Vebal Abuse, Control, and Change by Patricia Evans


NOTE:  Some men might change, but not all especially when drugs, alcohol, bad associations, and ignorance is involved.  A hatred of women, self-hatred, personal prejudices, and more will only aggravate an already bad situation that should have ended a long time ago.  A man who wasn't always verbally abusive might go about his relationship differently, but don't hold your breath, create distance from someone who is hurting you.  Listen to what verbal abuse sounds like at its worse below: 


Example of a Verbally Abusive Relationship that Didn't Change!

Thursday

5 Things a Daddy Should Have Told His Daughter About Boyfriends

1. They won't all love you just because you do and say nice things.

2. They won't respect you if you should dress too sexy, act too boldly, or run with the wrong company of people.

3.  They don't much care what your family thinks and will work hard to get you to focus solely on what they think.

4.  They become jealous when you smile, converse long, and act polite toward other men.

5.  There are those who will act like me.  So if you don't like me much, then make a better selection.

A little advice goes a long way, but when dads are too busy doing everything else, but being good fathers, oftentimes daughters don't truly know the difference between a man who sincerely loves and appreciates them and one who is simply using and abusing them.  Therefore, if the first man in a little girl's life was mean-spirited and (emotionally and/or physically) abusive toward her mother, then what do you expect she is going to do until she grows up and gets wise?  Be drawn to what is familiar to her.  If you are a father reading this, talk openly and honestly with your young daughter in the most loving, non-strict way you can.  God bless. 

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

How Many Times Was He Going to Tell Me Sorry?

When I reflect on a time in my life when I was so angry at a man who claimed to have loved me, one thing that stood out most in my mind was his repeated, "I'm sorry...I apologize."  He was sorry alright and so were some of those after him! 

Sorry men with sorry lifestyles wanting me to complete them!  I had grown weary of trying to convince the mentally disturbed that I was being faithful, open, true, dedicated to the relationship, willing to be all things to them--you name it!  And what about me?  How many more apologies was I willing to accept before I ended up in a hospital, jail or six feet deep?

An abuser whether emotionally or physically demeaning is going to apologize, because he knows that it works.  "He/She will forgive me," the abuser tells his or her self.  But a victimized woman or man who is at his or her breaking point, will put one's foot down one day and say, "Not good enough!  My freedom and sanity are far too important to me to keep staying in this miserable relationship!" 

If you know you are dealing with a mentally deranged person, you wouldn't make a grand announcement that you are leaving, but inside your mind, you must take a stance!  "I am not going to keep accepting his/her apologies!  I need to come up with an escape plan."  Then you do it!  Slowly, but surely you get your belongings out of the residence, you stop talking to this person as much, you avoid sleeping with him or her, and you definitely don't go anywhere alone with your abuser.

The realization that a relationship is at a point of no return usually shows up when you can't argue anymore.  You just don't have the energy to yell, snoop through his or her things, set traps, talk about this person to others, etc.  When your mind is no longer thinking about how to keep this man or woman you once loved around, but rather it hopes and prays for this person or you to have the courage to leave, it's over!  No more, "I'm sorry, I love you...let's try again."  Instead, the conversation sounds more like this, "I can't do this...I don't want this...I have to go...this isn't a relationship."  Hearing statements like this in your mind/heart/spirit is a good indication that you are so over laboring to love an abusive mate.  That is until he or she wins you over with yet another, "I'm sorry baby, it won't happen again.  I love you. Let's start over."

Nicholl McGuire author of this blog and other books including When Mothers Cry 

Tuesday

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2013

To awaken those who are asleep when it comes to what a healthy functional relationship looks like, the following videos have been posted.  Enjoy!

An abused woman can grow into a controlling woman needing to dominate her man, family and others. Learn more:


Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate shares her story on television show

Is it really love that he feels for you and vice versa or is it manipulation?

Friday

Is Your Date/Boyfriend/Husband Driving You Crazy? Living with a Psychopath

Most women who meet men are seeking to be loved, respected, and protected.  The last thing they want is a man that is troubled or mentally challenged.  But unfortunately, these men exist and their strange, controlling ways can drive your mind to a place where you don't know whether you are coming or going.  So what might be some early signs that your man is driving you insane?

1.  You obsess over trying to fix things for him in an effort to pick up his mood while putting down your own.

Everyone makes mistakes, but when in a relationship with someone who is mentally troubled, mistakes are unacceptable.  Not only that, when he makes an error, doesn't feel good, or like something, rather than admit his fault, he looks around for others and things to place the blame.  You might help him by doing things to appease him, but even still, his mind is made up to remain angry, bitter, and confused about whatever the issue is.  There is nothing you can do about that, I repeat nothing you can do, but walk away, and preserve your sanity!

2.  You are visibly shaken or nervous every time he rants or complains about something.

Running around the house like a chicken with his head cut off, you work hard to find his car keys, straighten up his stuff, work on his problem, or clean up his messes while he repeatedly talks about his issues.  In the back of your mind, you worry that he might explode on you.  You might even enlist the help of others to appease your crazy man.  Don't wonder why family and friends don't come around!

3.  You are constantly telling the children to:  "Be quiet, sit down, don't do that because your dad this... and your dad that..."

Not only are you often worried about what he will do to you, the household or others, but you are also concerned about what he will do to the children, so much in fact, that you want them to be like statues when he is around.  Acting fearful and worried often, will not only make you crazy, but your children too!

4.  You are embarrassed and nervous when he is around people and things he doesn't like such as: the poor, needy, sick, disabled, uneducated, and animals.

You worry that he may say or do something that will make you feel like you have to smooth things over with different people or tell others to protect their animals.  You act like a public relations specialist with family, friends and others when he comes around telling them things like, "He didn't mean it...you know how he can be...I apologize...I hope you don't hold that against him."

5.  You know his temperament and are aware that he has been physically violent with people, so you walk on eggshells with him and pray that others will do the same.

You don't look forward to going anywhere with him and are worried that if he is in the same room with certain relatives, friends and others that he might go off.  So you try to go above and beyond to put everyone at ease while driving yourself mad if anyone should say or do the wrong thing.  You become overly sensitive and defensive about things that others wouldn't bother to react.

6.  You experience feelings of shame and embarrassment whenever he starts talking about personal experiences using a variety of expletives and worry what might people think of him and you. 

You hope and pray to the point that even God wants you to be quiet with all your ramblings about your partner.  From this man's cursing to his threats, you often wish that when the two of you go visit family and friends that he would just sit down and shut up.

7.  You feel like you have to live up to his expectations of what a wife and mother should be (even if you aren't his wife) rather than learning and growing without the need of his opinion.

Far too concerned about what this man thinks and what you should and shouldn't be doing to fit his image of what a wife and mother should be, you argue with others while defending him--even when he is wrong.

8.  You avoid visiting relatives and making friends; therefore you have no one outside of him to give you mental support.

With no network of support, you talk to yourself often internally/externally, bad habits increase, physical illnesses are frequent and linger, and you might obsess over spiritual people and things.  In time, witnesses will recognize some things about you that aren't right while you will pretend that everything is okay or defend yourself as if someone said the most terrible things to you.

9.  You find yourself reporting your every move and conversations to your mate even when he doesn't ask.

He may have trained you early on through fits of jealousy, anger outbursts or the silent treatment not to talk to the opposite sex.  He doesn't like your friendly connections.  He will object to your talking to relatives about him whether good, bad or otherwise and you will find yourself avoiding any conversation where you or they spoke of him.  He says and does things that intimidate you so that you will not violate his rules.  Most likely, you have taught your children to do the same, "What goes on in this house stays in this house...don't talk about me or your dad."  Is all the sworn secrecy really necessary?

10.  You don't feel good about doing anything apart from him ie.) pursue career goals, take up a hobby, join an organization, improve something in or around your residence, drive, etc. and somehow forgot he was a catalyst in helping you feel this way.

Most people do things that they enjoy with and without their mates--that is a healthy functional relationship, but you talk yourself out of doing things that you enjoy because years of stares, glares, silent treatment, and for some, physical abuse from a partner told you, "He won't like you doing that...so forget it."  Rather than take your disappointments out on your partner, you look outside your relationship and argue with others about things that really don't matter.  Think about this, a bird locked up in a cage will peck at fingers who try to make contact even when those fingers are only trying to help.

11.  You find yourself having to keep conversations and where you go and how long you been there sometimes private.  You hide personal information, because he often unnecessarily comments about what you are or aren't doing, who you know, and your personal interests.

He listens in on what you are saying to others and goes through your personal belongings and letters when you least expect it.  Sometimes he will boldly ask about things you rather keep private.  When you go somewhere he feels like he needs to be a part of the action.  When you buy something, he feels like it is his duty to tell you how much you should spend and where you should shop and on what.  You feel guilty about your feelings concerning him.  At times, you keep secrets and feel bad that no part of your life is yours to enjoy alone.  So you find yourself acting vengeful toward him--doing little things to get back at him.

12.  You feel like his child rather than his mate sometimes.

From driving you wherever you want to go to questioning your whereabouts, you don't feel like a wife or girlfriend, but rather one of his children.  You find yourself rebelling like a teen sometimes having temper tantrums, slamming doors, and running out the house.

13.  You feel bad about yourself or others at times, because he is often being rude, cruel, or saying ugly things about you or them sometimes disguising his negativity with, "I'm just joking, you can't take a joke?"

You avoid wearing certain things, getting your hair done, putting on perfumes, and doing other things because you worry that he might have something mean to say.  You advise others to dress a certain way around him or avoid them altogether.

14.  You only feel your absolute best when he says something nice to you.

When a woman builds her world around a man where the sun rises and goes down based on what he says to her, she has lost her mind and her soul.  We live in an evil world comprised of flawed human beings. To allow anyone to have that much control over how you feel on any given day is enough to drive you mad.  What happens when he dies, will you die with him?  For those who are believers, you know God forbids idol worship.  For some readers, you have made your men idols and God forbids it!  It isn't any wonder you aren't feeling very good about your life these days, look who is governing it!

Don't allow your husband, boyfriend or lover to systematically program you to live in a world of bondage that he has created for himself and any slave who is willing to do what he wills.  When you do this, you drive your mind, body and spirit mad!  One day you will find yourself doing and saying some things that will help you get approved for a visit to a mental asylum.  Take back control of your life!  You owe it to yourself! Keep your sanity if nothing else!

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself and other books.  Check out my Youtube spiritual channel http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7

Thursday

How Do You Know If You Are Dating a Sociopath?

If you are questioning some things about a new relationship and the person is leaving you feeling strange--almost attacked verbally--that is until he or she smiles and acts as if everything is okay and then strikes again...you might want to read the following: The 6 Steps of Dating a Sociopath

Friday

Self-Righteous Former Victims - shatteredperspectives.com

When you have been out of an abusive relationship for some time, one can be a bit self-righteous.  Some women and men fail to realize that there is a process that many must undergo physically, mentally and dare I say it, spiritually (because there are those who skip over that part and end up right back with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive) before you can break free.  But for those readers who don't understand the depth at which an abusive relationship affects others will compare their own lives, thoughts, opinions, and experiences on what they believe others should do now, not later.

Being that I went through a journey to work on loving someone who didn't love his self, I don't encourage people to stay with their abusers, but what I do is speak with the one who is working hard to make something happen that just isn't meant to be, hence the title, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate." 

Sometimes former abused women and men can be like a strict drill sergeant shouting from the rooftops what people should and shouldn't do while failing to remember how long it took them to break free.

Let's not be like the self-righteous who sit back and point the finger and act as if their "aha" moment didn't take much time to arrive at.  There were people, places, and things that had to draw you away over time before you could go from being the one who labored to love an abusive mate to being free of the pain of abuse.

To those who are still hoping/wishing/praying that he or she will change, I encourage you to seek help and plan your exit carefully.

I thought of this topic when I came across http://shatteredperspectives.com and I realize that whether we are in or out of an abusive relationship we can have a perspective on what others are going through that could actually shatter what little self-esteem they have left.  The writer endured much judgment from the church because of her thoughts/decisions regarding the abusive marriage she wanted to rid herself of.

When we read or hear the experiences of others, let us be mindful that we are not acting self-righteous, judgmental or even going so far as to brag about our abusive experiences.  I wrote a blog entry on this site about people who do just that.  And as the writer said on the previously mentioned site, "Abuse is not an option."  But I would like to add, unless you make it one. 

God bless.

Nicholl McGuire

Emotional Abuse Help

Do you often feel nervous, sad, angry, depressed, or even crazy around your spouse? Chances are there is something that he or she is saying that is systematically sending you over the edge.  Learn more about emotional abuse today.  Heal from the name-calling, silent treatment, and other negative behaviors a partner is doing to you--find joy in living once again with or without her or him!

1.  Dr. Phil shares emotional abuse signs

2.  Understanding domestic violence and abuse

3.  Types of emotional abuse

4.  Five Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

5.  Spiritual message about emotional and physical abuse

Tuesday

When Nice Got You in Trouble


She's Young, But She's Not Stupid: Dating Older

Sometimes we assume that young women who date older men, must be naive, gullible, unintelligent etc.  But the truth is, they are smart.  They know what they want, they just don't know how to communicate it at times.  This comes with maturity.  A young woman must have some time to experience life, but when she is dating men much older, she is often feeling like she has to learn quickly or otherwise lose her mind, her man, and her behind!

Communication isn't just what the young woman says, but how she says it in her attire, associations, and what she does when she is not with an older man.  But problems in these relationships happen when an older man doesn't have the time, patience, or understanding when it comes to young women.

Some men have been raised by controlling mothers and fathers that rather beat a son, daughter, or even someone on the street into submission, then to explain much of anything.  When one is with a hot-tempered, older man, he expects a young woman to listen and do as he is told.  Although this doesn't sound good, and most wouldn't agree with what has been written, understand this is the mindset of a man who is often angry, impatient, irritable, and older. 

A young woman trades her intelligence for stupidity when she agrees to a controlling man's way of life. If he tells her, "Do as I say...Listen to me and there won't be any problems...You will do what I say...or else..." and other similar phrases, the young woman has a problem on her hands that she may recognize, but maybe not.  It is up to those around her, wiser than she is, to say something.  Guide her by the hand and have a long talk with her.  So the seeds in her mind and permit her to think about what she is doing.  No woman old or young should be subjected to this kind of abuse.  However, some individuals around her may be encouraging her to stay with a controlling, older man because they don't want her to live at the parent's home or somewhere else, the man provides gifts and money, he is trustworthy, or for many other reasons.  But no matter the reason, what these "enablers" are doing--those who are encouraging her to stay with him despite the red alert signs that tell her to leave--are putting her life and possibly others at risk.  Don't sit quietly, do something!

The young woman might say stupid things, act stupidly, but evidently she wasn't stupid when she started dating the older man.  There may be a lot going on with her that we don't know about, so before you leave her alone, consider this, she may be going through alot.

Nicholl McGuire

See http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com if you are dating someone older or younger.

Sunday

You're Not Happy with Him and Everyone Knows It So Stop Lying

"I'm content...I love him.  We have our ups and downs, but we are doing better...He's a good guy," the abused wife/girfriend says. Stop lying!

Most women are not going to reveal much about how they truly feel when it comes to their partner.  Maybe one or two people might know more than others, but for the most part, if the abused woman hates the very ground her mate walks on, then no one but Jesus truly knows.

Deep anger, resentment, and evil thinking can be hard to detect if the abused woman is a great actress (some of you reading this are just that).  A smile, kind words, and thoughtful deeds for one's spouse are some of the things abused women will do so that those around them don't know what is really going on.

Women who lie, steal, cover, and do other things for violent, angry men don't realize that they are enabling them to keep doing bad things to them and others.  They think they are saving themselves from yet another argument and beating, so they reason, "If I just do these things he wants, he won't be mad at me and maybe he will be in a good mood and stay home with me sometime."  But doing anything "nice, sweet" will not guarantee a woman's safety or her children's.  Rather, it will just give her abuser further control over her.  Sometimes doing something kind like buying an angry man something for his birthday only makes him wonder, "Where did she get the money to buy that?  Why is she acting so nice?  Does she expect me to do something for her?"  The violent man is never grateful.  He is limited in his reasoning ability since in his mind he always is fighting with someone.  He doesn't seem to see things any other way, but his way and no amount of reasoning with him will calm the devils within when he has already made up in his mind that someone needs a hit, kick, slap or cursing today.

Who can be happy with someone who you have to always watch that you don't anger him?  Who can sleep peacefully at night knowing that a loved one is planning, scheming, and doing the kinds of things that will hurt others?  How much does an abused woman have to put up with before she says, "I can't take anymore I'm outta here!"

Lying about being abused is just another symptom of a sick relationship.  Trying to convince others that everything is okay when it is not shows that the abused is in need of a good doctor/therapist/psychologist.  There is a point of no return in an abusive relationship and oftentimes abused women end up there because they stayed in a violent relationship way past their tolerance level.  They have allowed a loved one to control them and they have made themselves vulnerable to more upcoming episodes of abuse.

It doesn't matter how sorry the abuser is or what he promises to do for an abused wife or girlfriend and the children in the future, the reality is he has a mental illness that can't be cured with sex, apology, buying him stuff, and lying about him to others.

Nicholl McGuire 

Saturday

So You Insist on Dating/Having Relationship with Abuser? Here's What You Both Need to Do

Some couples just don't get it, they are not meant to be with one another, but since they insist on "making it work...we love one another," then it would make sense to do the following if they think for a moment they can have a good relationship one day.

1.  Learn to listen and shut up.

2.  Stop watching violent shows and listening to angry and sad music.

3.  Avoid alcohol and drugs.

4.  Don't visit relatives and friends' homes who you know don't like you or your mate.

5.  Fight when your children aren't around.

6.  Permit people who know more than you to counsel you through your storms.

7.  Keep your business to yourself.


Nicholl is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.

Poem: Abuser

Cursed me out the other day,
he had a lot to say
somehow I was blamed for everything
including the bathtub's dirty ring.

He says, "You need to clean up, get off your lazy butt!"
I told him, "I wish your mouth would stay shut!"

That's when he got up in my face and told me, "Stay in your place!"
I had lost it,
went to the closet...
took his stuff out, and told him, "Get out!"

Tired of the name-calling and swearing.
Tired of looking at him and caring...
"What does he think about this and that and am I really getting fat?"

But he tells me he loves me and can't we work some things out.
He says so many nice things after I tell him, "Just get out!"
Then I say, "Okay, what more do you need to say?"
Then he says, "You remember our wedding day."

Looking at him, my face still grim, thinking,
"Why the f&*k do I still love him?"

Pain, gain, pain gain,
feel like my head is going insane!
Friends say, "Have you thought to pray?"
But all I can say is, "I did that today."

You can only do the best you can,
but one day you will have to say,
"Goodbye!" to that man.

Give him some time to think about
what makes him fight and shout.

Maybe it's not you,
but what's in his mind,
that makes him want to kick your behind.

You can only take but so much until you break,
then that's when you will feel like jumping in a lake.

But before you do something to ruin you,
think about what more you can do.

You can move on with your life,
experience peace without strife.
See a doctor, see a preacher, see who you are--your best feature!

Love yourself, your children,
build up who you are,
then one day shine like a bright star!

There is no need to live in a demonic house,
running around, hiding like a mouse.

Nicholl McGuire

This fictional poem was written for someone who I know still loves her abuser, but she knows that loving herself is more important after almost killing herself years back. 


Tuesday

Healing for Survivors of Bad Relationships - Domestic Violence

With so much drama going on in one's family, it isn't any wonder that many people mentally and/or physically crack up!  The yelling, swearing, fighting, and destroying property is just some of the negative reactions that partners of angry men and women have to put up with until they can finally get to that moment in their lives where they say, "I have had enough!"

There is healing for survivors of bad relationships and don't let anyone tell you any different!  It may take months or even years before one can get over some things, but those of us who are so far removed from our past know that there is healing!  

Some of you have been considering going to church, while others are thinking about seeing a counselor, but then there are those who think they can find their way out of their drama on their own!  Best wishes to you!  People who don't have a reliable and adequate network of people, as well as the income, and other things to help them get out of their mess from the start, will only keep an abusive partner around.  Just like it takes a whole village to raise a child, well the longer one stays in a crazy situation, the more people will have to rally around that hurting individual to help him or her sort out their challenges.

Faith plays a big part in why many abused men and women can break free from a cycle of abuse once and for all!  By believing in someone or something smarter, bigger and stronger than they are, the weight that mean-spirited human beings place on others doesn't seem so heavy ( For example, think of Jesus, Paul and David's plights and how they managed through all sorts of life storms.)  But for those who think they can tackle everything, including physically fighting with a man or woman they think they love, they will find out the hard way that laboring to love an abusive mate is simply not worth it!

So whatever you choose to do to keep your head above water, while you think about when you plan to break up with your troubled partner (notice I didn't say if), know that it won't be easy, you will need many advisers, and definitely protection for yourself just in case your mate vows to pay you back for leaving him or her.

Once you are free from the drama, you will experience a myriad of emotions, some good others not-so good, but the best emotion of them all is PEACE!

May God bless all of you readers with peace, love and joy who are laboring to love an abusive mate.

Nicholl McGuire  wrote the popular article, How to Know Your Girlfriend is Crazy, see here.  Also, get the books Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.

Thursday

I *BRAINWASHED* MY 12 y/o SON to ABUSE WOMEN!!! (Maury 2006)


He Isn't Violent Yet

He threw something, swung at a friend, gets frequently angry with sales clerks and slams doors, you reason, "Well he is just upset, he will get over it."  But how many episodes like this have to keep occurring before one day he decides to blow up on you?

Walking on egg shells around an angry mate, making excuses for his (or her) behavior, and telling others, "Watch what you say...don't act like this...and you know how he is..." isn't normal.  Who wants to worry over what a partner might do so often?  Evidently your mate has a problem controlling his temperament.  Now you can play the "keep the peace" game until he gets violent with you or you can opt out and seek a plan of escape.  Your choice.

Read Ten Alarming Domestic Violence Statistics

Ever Feel Like He Hates His Mother?

What Causes a Man to Hate a Woman?

Does a Man who hates his mother, hate women in general?

Is it Righteous to Hate?

Sunday

Message for those in Emotionally and Physically Abusive Relationships



Awhile back, I posted this video and felt the need to post again.  If you are still coping with someone who is emotionally and physically draining, please listen. May God give you the spiritual guidance to deliver you from the enemy's vices so that you can experience real joy!  God bless.

Thursday

She Went Back

Thought she had everything figured out
went to church and gave a shout.

Moved on with life and felt real good
until something inside said, "I wish we would..."

Went against all sound advice,
went back to her old vice.

Couldn't face the fact she failed,
a new life she had derailed.

Needed things to go right,
wasn't ready to see the light.

"If the relationship was going to make it," she reasoned,
"I had best be ready and seasoned."

So she decorated her lost self,
made gifts like Santa's little elf.

For him, she cooked, cleaned, and gleamed,
while things didn't appear like what they seemed.

He was happy as long as she didn't change,
so she stayed in his view, his controlling range.

But one day she had her own thought,
she only did as she was taught.

Had been to a higher institution of learning,
but at times she wasn't all that discerning.

Her man wasn't supportive of who she was,
and all those things that she does.

Going back was a bad move,
created more wounds to soothe.

Things didn't get better,
so she wrote herself a letter.

Realized that she was bought,
realized why she was sought.

A great God had other things in store,
she didn't need to live that life once more.

So God gave her a clear plan
and one day she got away, she ran!
No longer a need for that disturbed man.

Nicholl McGuire


Thursday

He Takes Up All Your Time - Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually

They tried to warn you, but you didn't listen.  So in love, you keep spending your money, time, and energy on a man who has a history of using and abusing women.  He may not be as mean-spirited as he once was and he might be okay with you going here and there, but something on the inside of you feels an overwhelming need to keep doing for him at energy levels that might eventually put you on your back in a hospital bed somewhere!

When you are upset with him, you have learned how to redirect your anger.  You will talk harshly to the children; rather than your husband/boyfriend/partner.  You will distract yourself with people and their dramas outside of your home so that you don't have to deal with the two-legged one sleeping next to you.  You justify your behavior with "being there for others" and "helping people" while you claim, "My life isn't so bad.  At least my man doesn't do this or that...like her's."  But let's talk about your man (for some people reading this their man really isn't theirs but that is a separate blog entry).  What about your man?  The one who has influenced most of your thoughts, actions, and places you visit or don't visit for days, months or even years, but you say he doesn't have that kind of control over me.  Really?  "I don't go here without him.  I don't buy that because he doesn't like to smell it.  I don't do that, because he doesn't like it.  I don't go there, because he said...I don't hang out with her because he told me...I don't throw that out even if it doesn't work, because he might..."  Notice, what a life built around "my man" does to some people?  Who are you again?  His woman

You might not be going through something like this in your relationship, but then again maybe you are.  Maybe there is a man or woman that is taking up all your time so much in fact your own family and friends believe you are the cup running away with the spoon in this relationship--an empty cup.  They are telling you things like, "I remember when you use to do what you liked until he showed up...I recall those days when you looked much happier.  You use to spend time with us sometimes, what's going on?"  For some of you, you made up excuses.  "Well he needs my help.  The job has me so busy--I work too much.  My PMS issues have been getting the best of me...I think I eat the wrong things maybe that's why I don't feel good."  But what about that man who bites off more than he can chew while expecting you to help him with this dilemma and that one?  What about that man who keeps telling you he needs something and so you work longer so that you can pay for it?  What about that man who is never satisfied with any of the projects he starts so he keeps looking to you to save him money so that he can start another unsatisfying one?  But about that man who you told the world is your soul mate when in reality he is nothing more than the devil's mate? WHAT ABOUT THAT MAN?

Men who are controlling and energy-draining don't care too much about the emotional, physical and spiritual upset they cause in their partners' lives.  Rather, they encourage her to look at everyone, but them.  "It's your mother who keeps you upset!  It's the children telling you about their problems.  You are feeling bad because of that medicine you take.  Those people at work have got you down.  Did you think about that friend who likes to dump her problems on you?"  Maybe he has a point, but don't lose sight of the challenge he is to live with.  What about his arguing, cursing, irresponsiblity, lying, conniving, etc.  Don't forget about those times when he was short with you, bitter about something you did or didn't do, and played a few too many mental games on you to the point that you were crying during your quiet moments about him and wishing God would take youu sooner rather than later!

So many women who have spent their lives focused on thinking about men and caring for them, have missed out on youthful, happy moments with self--just being, living freely.  Those times when they use to just breathe and not be concerned about anyone coming to them and looking for them to meet their needs.  They looked up at a blue sky, played their favorite tunes all day, and just walked around their apartments or homes carefree.  Before a man came along, you may have just sat back and thought about, "What can I do for myself without a man?"  If you are tired of fighting within about this suffocating, energy-draining man that has come into your life, now is the time to build your life!

Nicholl McGuire

Friday

He Fights Her, She Keeps Running Back

You heard the stories many times when women get involved with angry men (or men get involved with angry women) and before long the couples are riding on a merry-go-round of madness!

She is often upset about Abusive Him while he is trying to figure out a way to let go of Emotional Her--this time for good.  The pair are often yelling, bitter, and at times downright rude to one another.  Witnesses try to intervene but to no avail.  Even God attempts to talk to these two during quiet moments of the day, but they aren't listening.

One day they are in love and are defending one another like they were always on their best behavior.  The next they are fighting with one another to the point that someone is bleeding.  He says, "It is her fault I act this way..." while forgetting his personal history of mayhem with family and other girlfriends in the past.  She claims, "He loves me...we just have fights sometimes--everyone has problems!"  Not like this couple.  Someone yells, "It's not normal!"  But doesn't anyone in this crazy relationship wake up?  Not until someone becomes so broken until the point of no return.

It is only a matter of time where the two will self-destruct.  Whether that destruction lasts for a time or for life only time will tell. 

Some people are best left alone.  Some relationships were never meant to be.

Nicholl is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.  You can find them both when you visit her YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Wednesday

Angry Man, Violent? Your Boyfriend, Husband


What is Your Family History?

A long line of abuse, mayhem, violence, and more in one's family history will contribute to challenging future decision-making if a child is not taught how to love.  Then when the child becomes an adult, he or she will find it difficult to break generational curses without the need of spiritual influence or something else that may or may not be good for one's soul.

I thought of my personal family history and was sick to my stomach when I heard all the evil stories.  Women were treated like nothing more than cattle in my family.  They were pushed around, told where to go, and given tokens of attention, affection and material wealth if they earned it.  Be a good wife, you get rewarded.  Be a good woman, you might get to have the privilege of sleeping with a handsome man a second, or third time.  Who knows he might even stay and be a father to your future offspring--that is until the next young woman comes along?  Be dependant on a man and you just might get to ride in his car, but don't ask to drive it.  Look pretty, healthy, and youthful and you might get to keep your man a little longer.  Be quiet and don't anger your man and he just might do something nice for you.  "What the..." I thought.  In so many words, I had been programmed to be abused back in 1996.  I will never forget someone (I will leave unnamed) asking me after I had fought with my abuser for the last time and the police arrested him, "What did I do?"  Back in his day, women were supposed to be kept in line and the police would not take a man out of his home even if he had abused his wife.  She had to have done something that caused that man to beat her.  That is the way it was, and that is the way it still is in some secret circles, church groups, and elsewhere to date.   

When we reflect on those who came before us and learn of what they did and didn't do to achieve love, build their families, or tear them down, we are to learn from their mistakes not perpetuate cycles of abuse.  But for some, they don't get pass their ignorance.  As one relative put it, "My father was like that, so I was like that and so that is just the way it is."  I beg to differ.  If we can all watch television, read books, listen to music, travel, and do any other thing to help us obtain money and other stuff for our survival, then I'm sure we can use these same tools to help us become better parents, mentors, friends, and more. 

Family history is just that history!  It was someone's story from the past that either helped or hurt a future generation.  It is up to us to do some things differently, if not for ourselves, for those who love, respect, and appreciate us!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.

Friday

Not Happy

Abusive partners rob you of your joy, prematurely age you, and make you feel like everything is wrong in your life even when it isn't.  You might find yourself overly critical of others, sensitive when someone says the slightest thing you don't agree with, and often carrying emotions that are downright mean.  This is what people feel like who remain with abusive partners.

If he or she is cheating, often lying, physically abusive, or frequently angry about people, places and things, a person in a relationship with an abuser is trying hard not to be a problem.  The victim is going to bend over backwards in everything he or she does just to make sure that the angry man or woman is not disturbed.  The victim knows that if his or her partner becomes upset, he or she will be like a dartboard suspended to a wall having to catch the darts of the mean one.  This is why certain relative's and friend's calls or visits might not be entertained because the emotionally unstable partner, with the hot-tempered man, feels like it is just too much to bear if these people should show up and bring their issues along with them.

Witnesses will see the victim running around, talking softly, and acting weak in their abusive partner's presence and might say things like, "Who does he/she think she is?  Don't do that for him/her?  Why do you act like that?  I should tell him/her not to treat you like this!  You aren't his slave!  What kind of relationship is this?"

To the one being abused, he or she doesn't see cheating, lying, or physical fighting as abusive.  The victim thinks, "All couples go through these things...it's not so bad."  But it is.  Not every couple hits, cheats, and does other mean things to one another. Being unhappy often in a relationship is not normal.  When you find yourself not looking forward to waking up each day much less seeing your partner's face, you are depressed and why are you?  Think about it.  When your life is centered on the children or a job while you ignore this person who you say you love, what is really going on?  Face the truth!  Stop telling yourself, "It's me...my hormones...my job...my kids..."  How about you are in a loveless relationship?  When all other issues have been addressed like the job and kids, and the elephant still sits in the room, guess what?  He or she is your problem!  Not elderly mom, the dog, or a lack of money--your wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend has issues that you can't solve!

For those of you who have a faith, what does God think about your relationship?  Ask him to show you the part you play in the relationship and why you feel the way you do.  There is a story that has yet to be told for many victims.  They see some things, but not others.  They accept some problems, but not others.  Your Creator will show you the full picture if you let him.  He will give you the wisdom you need to labor to love this person until you can't do it anymore.  Some of you reading this, have already arrived to that revelation.  Now all you need is a source of true happiness.   But joy, real joy doesn't come when you are sitting in mess.  When life is passing by and your mind and heart aren't at rest.  Let the Lord guide you to real joy in Him and not man!

Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

Crazy Lovers: Stalkers, Liars, Mental Cases

You made that mistake maybe once, twice, or more getting involved with someone who just can't seem to leave you alone.   For some of you reading this, you hide every morning from a mental case.  Others have to change phone numbers like underwear, just to keep this person from sabotaging your mental state of being.

If you haven't contacted the authorities you should, but if you are dealing with a mental case who is an authority, you might have to change your name, leave the country, and do other radical things for peace of mind and safety.  Unfortunately, we live in a world that doesn't always protect and serve as some of you know already. 

When dealing with those who "can't live without you...need you...think of you all the time..." be sure that the security team at the places you frequent have a photo of the person who is stalking you, making up stories, etc.  Also, be sure your family knows about this person too.  The last thing you want is to show up missing one day.  Be prepared for people to ask, "Well what did you do to cause...?"  As much as this question hurts, it isn't necessary to answer or give information in detail especially when you know you haven't done anything besides distance yourself from your crazed fan.

It is very easy for us to think of celebrities as having fanatics following them around wherever they go, but many of you might be like a star online or offline in the eyes of someone who can't get over that time when you complimented him or her, had sex, did something nice, etc.  Safe guard your data both on and offline.  Block this person from your social sites.  Save all correspondence from this person and voicemails.

You may also want to note your daily activities in a journal and also keep record of times and dates you see this person near you or in the area.  Be sure that those closest to you such as a boss, parent, friend, etc. can also identify this person as well.  Sometimes stalkers may not be able to catch up to their intended victims so they will start following the person who is closest to them.

When dealing with those, who tell false stories about you whether online or offline, report your concern to those who own businesses and request that information be removed.  Seek professional counsel on what more you might have to do to clear your name and restore your reputation.

Here are more suggestions on what you might want to do when dealing with the mentally challenged:

1.  Vary the time you leave and come home.  Be sure your community/property is well-lit.

2.  Purchase necessary security for your home.

3.  Don't ever follow after the stalker, because you don't know if this person is leading you into a trap.  Rather, contact someone or call law enforcement to assist.

4.  Avoid the temptation to meet with the person alone no matter what he or she promises.

5.  Don't pay this person off, because he or she will only come back to you requesting more money, gifts, etc.  If you should ever have a court case involving the stalker, your actions will be used against you.

6.  Record phone calls and if you see him or her in your area, visibly video this person.  Most will stop following you around when they know you are recording them.

7.  Take down license plate numbers.

8.  Have the person's phone number, email info. and whatever other device they are contacting you from blocked when possible.

9.  Don't provide details of your whereabouts, entertain discussions or do anything that could be misconstrued later with this person.

10.  Leave your family and friends out of confrontation.  Unless you want a possible civil war, keep the hot-heads at home.

What You Don't Know Might Kill You When Your Partner Acts Strangely

Having relationship woes?  Don't feel at peace about some things?  Many couples reach a place in their romance that they just don't know what to feel, say, or do concerning a mate that seems to have a lot on his or her mind and doesn't seem like the nice person he or she once was.  This person may even act strangely wrecking havoc on you spiritually, mentally or worse physically.

When you don't spend the time doing the following like:  reading about issues concerning your mate, interviewing him or her, talking to others about your challenges, praying, and of course having that self-talk, you will go along with just about anything this troubled person puts out.  Your mind will convince you that he or she is "okay, alright" until the next battle comes up.  Then you are left standing there trying to figure everything out all at once--bad time to problem solve with tears in your eyes and yelling.  If you are not ready to break up, then in the meantime you might want to at least plan for the next battle if you should decide to call it quits.

Living in a world that is blending the lines between good and evil daily doesn't make it any easier to find someone who has good moral character even if you should leave your mate.  It also doesn't mean that your mate will walk in this world un-touched by life challenges either.  Some women in long-term marriages are naive enough to believe that even their spouses will never change, but learn the hard way after blinders are taken off, that they are no different than younger women tolerating tempermental boyfriends and all that comes with them. 

Stress, sudden death, violence, sickness, poor diet, lack of exercise, listening to constant bad news, relocation, babies and children, negative associations, will change people.  Think about how much you have changed since the early days of dating your mate.  As much as we would like to persuade ourselves into thinking that mates are still those same people we fell in love with, that is most likely incorrect thinking.  We have to learn to adapt if we want to stay in relationships with people who are mentally and physically changing. 

If you are dating or in a relationship, use caution when you notice that your mate is taking on a different personality, routine, or seems strange.  In other words, don't be so quick to confront him or her on the changed behavior.  Never assume that everything is okay when you can clearly see that the man or woman standing in front of you has changed.

Maybe your partner's issues have nothing to do with you.  He or she may be going through the following:  hormonal issues due to the aging process, angered about something that happened at work, feeling guilty for something he or she has done, has money woes, or simply is growing weary of routine.  Sometimes even an often growling belly and a lack of sleep will make one miserable.  Is there frequent meals being made and he or she isn't eating them?  Could this person be staying up all hours of the night?  Two simple issues that could cause serious problems in a relationship must be addressed. 

Don't be so quick to believe that your relationship is over especially when children are involved.  Do take the time to communicate with your partner.  However, don't be so sure your mate feels comfortable sharing all the details of what might be wrong with him or her with you.  For some people, who have some emotional or physical issues, they don't want to share too much for fear that a mate might judge, end the relationship, bring up issues during a future argument, or tell others.

When you feel like your back is up against the wall with this person and you just don't know what to do, it is then that one who has a faith should use it and often.  Those who you might think can help you sort through your issues may give you little comfort and have no experience or understanding on what you might be going through.  Don't defend, argue, or make these people your enemy.  Just give them the pass, so to speak, and move on with your life.  Some people just aren't equipped to be the best advisers or friends.

Find your peace with your Savior for those of you who seem to be giving your Heavenly Father less attention these days, and your partner more.  Also, keep in mind, you know your situation better than anyone.  Although some advisers might mean well, don't readily believe that their advice is good, no matter what their title.  If you should find that your mate is acting abusive, then you know that you will only be setting yourself up for future issues that may lead to jail time or worse death.  So do plan your exit.  Start with saving, borrowing or obtaining more money.  Then pay attention to potential places to live.  Tour communities so that you will be motivated to move when the time comes.  And whatever you do, when you have made up in your mind that you can't tolerate being with this person, don't go back.  Most people who have left problematic relationships will tell you things usually don't get better, they get worse no matter how much the ex promises that "things will be different."  They usually go back to the way things were.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love and Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself and other books.  Feel free to stop by her channel on YouTube - nmenterprise7.

Thursday

Abusers Rarely Change

Some abusive people will claim that they are "better...different...and learned from my mistakes..." but unless they have had some kind of brainwashing therapy, they are still very much the same--the mean spirit is simply in hiding.

Take a moment to test people with abusive pasts who claim to have changed.  Ask them about people they like, music they listen to, and places they like to go.  Although strange to start a dialogue like this with an abuser, this small talk will put the individual at ease.  Before long, you will see a familiar personality show up, especially when you start talking about controversial subject matter.

As much as we all would like to think that anyone claiming to have a faith or is "in a different place now" has changed, the reality is this mean-spirited person is more likely to say or do something to trigger old emotions within us that will want nothing more than to protect us. 

You may find yourself arguing with the abuser, getting hysterical, or even worse wanting to cast revenge on him or her.  Doing these things might cause you to question whether you have changed. What is really going on with the spirit in and around this person that is tempting you to act out in ways that you would rather not?  Maybe there is more work to do within you, but don't beat yourself up about it.  When you feel strange feelings arising within you around an abusive person, it is always best to remove yourself from his or her presence, or if in your power, ask the abuser to leave your space.

Don't permit a past abusive boyfriend or girlfriend to persuade you back into any sort of relationship with him or her.  Further, don't take his or her warnings or speeches of forgiveness personally either like, "I thought you forgave me...or why don't you forgive me and you know what God says..."
Sometimes people use those Holy Scriptures of forgiveness as a way to manipulate an individual to come back to them.  For some abusers, personal drama is like a drug and they seek someone to give them their fix. When an abusive man or woman has spent most of his or her life on a roller-coaster ride, it is often very hard to get off of it.  Abusers need something or someone to keep them wild.

Do your best to stay free and if you're not, make every effort to break free (break programming) by seeking help and getting away from your abuser! 

Take control of your emotions and don't bother with the past unless you want it to dictate your future yet again!  As the older people like to say, "The devil is busy!"

 
 
Nicholl McGuire maintains other blogs including When Mothers Cry and Face Your Foe

Male Hormone Imbalance, Irritable Male Syndrome Affects Relationships

Some men just don't want to admit to the fact that they are getting older and with the aging process comes change, not only with his body, but how he views himself and his personal relationship with someone from five months to 15 years plus.

For middle age men in denial, they rather blame relatives, children, the job and anything else standing in their way for things like emotional outbursts, forgetfulness even hot flashes.  But the truth is what causes some men to rage is fluctuating hormones due to: low testosterone a poor diet (such as skipped meals, overeating, or eating far too much junk products and drinking alcohol), too much sex or a lack of, no exercise, a lack of sleep, and more.

A man with a hormonal imbalance may not have a history of abusive behavior, but when going through a midlife crisis (30-55 plus) he just might start acting mean-spirited.  Therefore, this is why a partner will labor to love her man anyway despite a past abusive episode.  There may have only been one or a few episodes in the duration of the relationship, but not so bad that one needed to go to jail or the hospital.  Of course, this sort of behavior should not be tolerated and the victim should separate herself from her partner until he seeks help; however, for some women, they prefer to stay and help their moody men. 

Some women will do the following things:  perform the necessary research in an effort to understand the male body better and share tips with their men, make doctor's appointments, remind their men to stick to taking medication or supplements, diets and exercise, as well as sit with counselors to help sort out their personal issues with partners such as: fear, anger, unforgiveness and more.  Also, these women might have a faith and a solid support system to help them go through these trying mid-life times.

The woman who sees her partner struggling with emotional highs and lows, recognizes that this person she loves is not himself.  She sees his mood swings are triggered due to a number of issues including low testosterone.  Medical experts call this health issue in men Andropause or Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS).  There is help for these men 30 plus years who have declining low T. 

Feel free to pass the following information on to someone you care about.

Nicholl McGuire also owns and maintains a blog for young women dating older men.  See here.




Learn more about irritable males at the following sites:

Surviving Irritable Male Syndrome http://www.scribd.com/doc/29714004/How-to-Survive-the-Irritable-Male-Syndrome-10-Tips-to-Keep-Your-Relationship-From-Falling-Apart

Male Hormone Testing http://www.zrtlab.com/male-hormones

Irritable Male Syndrome Quiz http://theirritablemale.com/quiz2.htm

Low Testosterone: How Do You Know When Levels Are Too Low?http://men.webmd.com/features/low-testosterone-explained-how-do-you-know-when-levels-are-too-low

Here is a sample of what a healthy meal looks like for a man seeking to raise his testosterone levels:

The Diet

This is a sample daily meal plan which is designed to maximize testosterone levels for a 180-pound individual.

Breakfast

  • 4 large whole eggs
  • 1 packet cream of wheat (instant)
  • 1/2 avocado

Morning Snack

  • 8 oz. container low-fat fruit yogurt
  • 1 banana
  • 1 oz. mixed nuts

Lunch

  • 4 oz. turkey deli meat
  • 2 slices whole-wheat bread
  • 1/2 avocado

Preworkout Snack

  • 1 scoop whey protein (in water)
  • 2 slices white bread
  • 1 Tbsp. peanut butter

Postworkout Snack

  • 1 scoop whey protein (in water)
  • 1/3 cup dextrose or sugar

Dinner

  • 6 oz. top sirloin steak
  • 1 cup cooked white rice
  • 1 cup cooked cauliflower

Evening Snack

  • 8 oz. cottage cheese
  • 1 packet cream of wheat (instant)
  • 1 oz. mixed nuts

Totals

3,369 calories, 197 g protein 398 g carbs, 111 g fat
Author: Jim Stoppani

Friday

Abused Children & The Nasty Relatives and Adults Who Hurt Them!

Some people are being emotionally and physically hurt daily (or periodically) by someone in their family.  From fathers to cousins, people who claim to love them, are using and abusing them for their sick pleasures!

A working mother, an ailing guardian, or fearful sibling living in the home may or may not know what is going on with the little girl or boy who is often in trouble, sad, or angry.  Meanwhile, the abuser is getting away with hurting someone they are entrusted to care for. 

Children are not put on this earth to be abused, but some individuals assume that because others have done hurtful things to them or they once did the same things when they were a child, then it's okay.  But it's wrong!  It's so wrong!

A child's body is not able to handle something meant to be shared between two adults.  Think about all the complications that abused victims go through without any help.  Mentally they are unstable.  Physically they have illnesses, that for some, they never recover from.  Pregnancies, STDs, and more they have to face, all because a mentally ill adult decided to make their dark fantasies a reality!

Abused children reason that it is okay for an uncle, cousin, step-parent, or whoever else to do what they do to them, because they are familiar with that person and don't want to get into any trouble.  An immature mind will do almost anything for a piece of candy, a friendship, a new toy, or something else.

Recognize the signs of ongoing abuse.  Are there unexplained markings on a child's body?  Is there an adult who is spending far too much time with your child and often buying him/her some thing?  The abuser could be covering up some things he or she is doing to the child while family members are away.  Maybe the adult is threatening the child.  Notice the child's face and mannerisms when he or she is around this individual.  Are children often scared, crying, and doing other frightful things whenever this person comes around or offers to watch them?  Check clothing, look for blood or feces stains, and other things like wet sheets, urine smells, and other bodily fluids.  Ask yourself, "Why would a child tend to have these bodily issues especially when a certain adult is around?  Why does my child's room or other places in the home smell like that?"  Watch for signs that someone is covering up something by removing clothing, sheets, spraying air fresheners, etc.  Has your child typically hugged you and has been talkative, but now he or she is acting distant?  Is a relative or friend often telling your child what to say to you or telling him or her to go hug you when that wasn't an issue before?  Is this person too touchy/feely (kissing, hand-holding, rubbing legs) with your child?  Does he or she visit your child's bedroom at night and stays in the room for awhile or permits the child to stay up late while you go off to bed?"

When one is abused, he or she must speak up, but sometimes it just isn't possible when one's mind is already warped with the threats, promises, and other statements made by the abuser.  A parent, relative or someone else should be watching children.  No job, activity, event, hobby or something else should be so important that a person can't get away and get in touch with children.  Parents: leave work early some time.  Take a day off without no one knowing.  Stay up late at night periodically and arise early.  Don't permit children to stay in rooms all day especially with doors closed or sleep together in beds at night.  Not only can an adult abuse a child without one knowing, but children can abuse one another.  Don't ever assume, "Not my child...my boyfriend would never...grandma wouldn't hurt a flea...my uncles and cousins love children..."  Be watchful of everyone and put your personal feelings aside!  We live in an evil world where most people are lax when it comes to morals and what is right and wrong--never assume anything! 

The most powerful weapon an abused person has against an abuser is exposing them.  Share information with a trusted school official, contact police, write a letter to a support group, tell a parent, contact children and youth services...but do something!


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate



God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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