You're Not Happy with Him and Everyone Knows It So Stop Lying

"I'm content...I love him.  We have our ups and downs, but we are doing better...He's a good guy," the abused wife/girfriend says. Stop lying!

Most women are not going to reveal much about how they truly feel when it comes to their partner.  Maybe one or two people might know more than others, but for the most part, if the abused woman hates the very ground her mate walks on, then no one but Jesus truly knows.

Deep anger, resentment, and evil thinking can be hard to detect if the abused woman is a great actress (some of you reading this are just that).  A smile, kind words, and thoughtful deeds for one's spouse are some of the things abused women will do so that those around them don't know what is really going on.

Women who lie, steal, cover, and do other things for violent, angry men don't realize that they are enabling them to keep doing bad things to them and others.  They think they are saving themselves from yet another argument and beating, so they reason, "If I just do these things he wants, he won't be mad at me and maybe he will be in a good mood and stay home with me sometime."  But doing anything "nice, sweet" will not guarantee a woman's safety or her children's.  Rather, it will just give her abuser further control over her.  Sometimes doing something kind like buying an angry man something for his birthday only makes him wonder, "Where did she get the money to buy that?  Why is she acting so nice?  Does she expect me to do something for her?"  The violent man is never grateful.  He is limited in his reasoning ability since in his mind he always is fighting with someone.  He doesn't seem to see things any other way, but his way and no amount of reasoning with him will calm the devils within when he has already made up in his mind that someone needs a hit, kick, slap or cursing today.

Who can be happy with someone who you have to always watch that you don't anger him?  Who can sleep peacefully at night knowing that a loved one is planning, scheming, and doing the kinds of things that will hurt others?  How much does an abused woman have to put up with before she says, "I can't take anymore I'm outta here!"

Lying about being abused is just another symptom of a sick relationship.  Trying to convince others that everything is okay when it is not shows that the abused is in need of a good doctor/therapist/psychologist.  There is a point of no return in an abusive relationship and oftentimes abused women end up there because they stayed in a violent relationship way past their tolerance level.  They have allowed a loved one to control them and they have made themselves vulnerable to more upcoming episodes of abuse.

It doesn't matter how sorry the abuser is or what he promises to do for an abused wife or girlfriend and the children in the future, the reality is he has a mental illness that can't be cured with sex, apology, buying him stuff, and lying about him to others.

Nicholl McGuire 


So You Insist on Dating/Having Relationship with Abuser? Here's What You Both Need to Do

Some couples just don't get it, they are not meant to be with one another, but since they insist on "making it work...we love one another," then it would make sense to do the following if they think for a moment they can have a good relationship one day.

1.  Learn to listen and shut up.

2.  Stop watching violent shows and listening to angry and sad music.

3.  Avoid alcohol and drugs.

4.  Don't visit relatives and friends' homes who you know don't like you or your mate.

5.  Fight when your children aren't around.

6.  Permit people who know more than you to counsel you through your storms.

7.  Keep your business to yourself.

Nicholl is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.

Poem: Abuser

Cursed me out the other day,
he had a lot to say
somehow I was blamed for everything
including the bathtub's dirty ring.

He says, "You need to clean up, get off your lazy butt!"
I told him, "I wish your mouth would stay shut!"

That's when he got up in my face and told me, "Stay in your place!"
I had lost it,
went to the closet...
took his stuff out, and told him, "Get out!"

Tired of the name-calling and swearing.
Tired of looking at him and caring...
"What does he think about this and that and am I really getting fat?"

But he tells me he loves me and can't we work some things out.
He says so many nice things after I tell him, "Just get out!"
Then I say, "Okay, what more do you need to say?"
Then he says, "You remember our wedding day."

Looking at him, my face still grim, thinking,
"Why the f&*k do I still love him?"

Pain, gain, pain gain,
feel like my head is going insane!
Friends say, "Have you thought to pray?"
But all I can say is, "I did that today."

You can only do the best you can,
but one day you will have to say,
"Goodbye!" to that man.

Give him some time to think about
what makes him fight and shout.

Maybe it's not you,
but what's in his mind,
that makes him want to kick your behind.

You can only take but so much until you break,
then that's when you will feel like jumping in a lake.

But before you do something to ruin you,
think about what more you can do.

You can move on with your life,
experience peace without strife.
See a doctor, see a preacher, see who you are--your best feature!

Love yourself, your children,
build up who you are,
then one day shine like a bright star!

There is no need to live in a demonic house,
running around, hiding like a mouse.

Nicholl McGuire

This fictional poem was written for someone who I know still loves her abuser, but she knows that loving herself is more important after almost killing herself years back. 

God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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