Saturday

The Silent Treatment is Abusive

You may have experienced the silent treatment. In case you aren't familiar with this type of abuse, it's when a man or woman walks around for days, weeks or even months upset about something and refuses to talk with you about what ails them. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and you don't have a clue what is going on with them. So you ask them repeatedly, "What's wrong?" And they either say, "nothing" or continue to make you feel there is something wrong without telling you what it is. The suspense kills you, eats you up inside and sometimes you feel as if you are walking on egg shells. There are times when you will play over and over in your head the last conversation you had, what you said, what he or she said, and still come up with nothing. Meanwhile, he or she continues to punish you with silence. They refuse to be affectionate. They act as if they want nothing to do with you, and even if they do want something from you, they will get it and then go back to being angry again.

The only way you can get anything out of them is to press them to say something, wait for a response, press them to say something again, wait for a response or say or do something to make them react. The sad part about this behavior is that all of the tactics of trying to get them to talk could be avoided without the silent treatment punishment. This type of behavior is considered abusive because it is a means of control. He or she is attempting to get you to behave the way they want by being silent. In order to get out of this abusive type of situation, what you will have to do is confront him or her on their tactic and remind them that you will not accept this type of behavior. Explain to them that you would like for him or her to talk with you as a situation arises. If they continue to behave in this way, prepare to leave.

Relationships are for adults, people who use silence as a way to control another are nothing more than toddlers having a temper tantrum, because they either fear confrontation, find satisfaction in punishing you using it or think that you will suddenly realize what they are angry about and bring it out of them.

Written by Nicholl McGuire for more articles by this writer visit http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Monday

But I Love Him...

You may have heard a relative, friend or even yourself say, "But I love him..." when someone points out something wrong in your relationship and encourages you to break up with your partner. Usually people who say, "but I love him..." are really saying, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings or mine." You see, people like to put off pain for as long as they can. Sure, the girlfriend may have an abusive partner, and yes she is in plenty enough pain physically, but emotional pain is something different. If you are a mother you know that the physical pain you experience during childbirth is nothing compared to the emotional pain you feel when someone close to you dies. At least with childbirth, you have a chance to catch your breath between contractions, but when someone dies that ache lasts for some their entire lifetime!

So when the abused woman says, "But I love him..." she isn't ready to let go, because to let go means that she will have to start training her heart and mind to let go of him too, something that takes hard work to do. You see, in her mind she has to awake each day and realize that she is starting a new day by herself. There is no one around that will argue and fight her. There is no one to be concerned about outside of herself and that scares her. Some people rather deal with drama then be alone. For them they grew up with drama and to live without it, tells them that something is wrong in their life. This is what a twisted childhood will do for you, entangle your common sense. Make you feel that what is good is bad and what is bad is good.

The only thing that anyone can do for an abused woman who still loves her man is to sit back and watch the movie. No matter what you say, she can't help how she feels at least not yet. For some abused women, they have to find something in their life that they love more than him. The day that she finds it and he denies her that thing, is the day that she will make up in her mind he isn't worth it. Whatever that thing is it could be a pair of panties or a high-paying job that she really wants and if that abusive man challenges her about it and she has it in her heart that she wants it, he better be ready for a fight! If she hadn't been hitting him before, she will start now! "All I wanted was to use the credit card to buy a pair of panties and you wouldn't let me do that! All I needed was to go on the interview and I know I would have been hired, but you had to keep me from the only thing I wanted!"

When you or your abused relative or friend makes up in her mind that she is so much better than the situation she is in, she will walk. The seeds of doubt regarding her relationship, the idea of escape, and the reminders of love that you and others gave her is sufficient, now all she needs to do is act like the man in the Bible who Jesus told to "Get up and walk!" That should be the prayer you pay for your friend, "Dear God speak to (NAME) right now! Tell her to walk out the relationship. Protect her from all harm and danger. Give her the strength to fight if necessary. Remind her of what her family and friends have been telling her and give her the confidence and courage she needs to stand on her own two feet in Jesus name Amen.

Thursday

California Residents: A One Stop Source for Contact Info. Re: Abuse

If you know someone that is being abused or you are a victim yourself, the help out there is enourmous! Rather than looking all over the Internet for credible sources, I have listed a website that has many of them listed in the State of California. You can find your state's information by scrolling to the bottom of the website. Just click the following link:

http://www.divorcesource.com/shelters/california.shtml

Tuesday

Poetry Book About Dating, Domestic Violence, Falling In & Out of Love

Domestic violence reared its ugly head when Nicholl McGuire, a young college student met a man ten years older back in 1996.

In her first book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Nicholl struggles with whether she should stay or leave her abuser in a series of poems that chronicle her hellish nine-month experience. Her roller coaster ride of emotions in the book provide valuable insight on the struggles abused women face when making a decision to help or escape their abusers.

“This book isn’t for the woman who has already left the relationship,” Nicholl says. “Instead, it’s for the woman who is contemplating on leaving the relationship and the woman whose still convinced she can help her lover come hell or high water. Readers will be advised, encouraged, and challenged to examine their own relationships through self-analysis questions that appear at the bottom of most pages in the book.” When asked why she wrote this book, Nicholl explains, “I wrote it because I remember feeling alone and further isolated from well meaning family and friends when they would ask, “Why do you stay?” All they could tell me was “leave him” once they found out about the abuse, but I didn’t know how. I had grown too deep into the relationship to find a path of escape.” Also included in the book are signs of an abusive mate and helpful resources.

This book has been published by CreateSpace.com http://www.createspace.com/3332346 and Lulu.com (http://stores.lulu.com/nichollmcguire)

Nicholl is a published poet and freelance writer. With over 15 years experience in print journalism, she is helping people improve their relationships one article and one blog at a time, visit http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Monday

Relationship Dating: Call the Police if You Have to

This has gotten past the point of ridiculous. You are not naive and have always understood that all dating relationships have their ups and downs. That also includes a fair amount of arguing.

Everyone is different so there are bound to be occasional conflicts of opinion from time to time. That's how relationships work.

But your dating partner has gone off the charts one too many times for you to ignore it anymore. Irritated turns into anger very quickly and then they fly into a rage that at times is out of control. And yes on more than one occasion it has scared the daylights out of you. Afterwards they calm down and apologize profusely (or do they?) and promise you it will never happen again.

You've heard that before but it keeps happening and each time it gets a little more severe.

For some people in a relationship, they look at this as a challenge to overcome. They decide that they are strong enough to not only take it but give it back in full force if necessary. By standing up to the other person, they figure that eventually they will be able to change them.

And truthfully from time to time things work out exactly like that. Their spouse or dating partner wants to change and puts every effort into doing so. They still have the temper but they learn to handle it better.

But the key phrase is "want to change". Many people that blow their stack on a regular basis don't see anything wrong with it. As a matter of fact they think the problem is you.

If only you wouldn't "make" them act this way then they would never get angry. Don't fall for this line. You get upset too but that doesn't mean you fly into a rage when things don't go your way. Be on guard against this sort of blame shifting.

The bottom line is you may be dating a walking time bomb. You never know what is going to set them off, how long it will last or how far they will go. No matter how much you like the person it's not a good feeling to be constantly walking around on egg shells. Being on the defensive increases their power and makes you weaker.

And at what point will they get physical with you? Someone who is always a half a blink away from flipping out can decide in their minds that if they are justified heaping verbal abuse on you than maybe some bodily violence toward you is equally justified.

When they go off next time, call the police if you have too but do yourself a bigger favor pay attention to the warning signs and your own common sense before it ever gets to that point. You are in this dating relationship to enjoy the company not fear for your peace of mind and physical safety.

Article written by Daryl Campbell – The Relationship Tip – Despite our best intentions and efforts sometimes things just don’t work out. But there is a better way

Friday

Spiritual Abuse: Are You in Labor?

Women who have been victims of dating and domestic violence are the most suceptible to spiritual abuse in my opinion. You see, having gone through dating and domestic violence, I found myself open to anyone who would tell me, "Jesus loves you!"

I was eager to return to my roots. I participated in a liquid fast for 40 days and nights to seek God's face under the urging of the Holy Spirit -- I was literally sold out for God! But just as Jesus was tempted at the end of his fast by the devil, so was I. He came to me in the form of false angels inviting me to all sorts of false churches and I accepted every invite. At some point I would end up defending my belief in God with tears in my eyes to a group of people who reminded me of my sin. They treated me as if I was under interrogation down at a police station.

So I pose this question to you, are you in labor with an abusive mate called, "Spiritual Abuse"? Is he or she pressuring you with statements like "if you just pay your tithes, attend this service, give your time, date me, keep quiet, be submissive, buy my book, watch my dvd, invite your family, recruit five people..." that he will give you what you want a bed to sleep, a check to cash, sex for the moment, the lead part in the play, a position in a group, a job in the community, a record deal, a business or something else? If so, then you are serving a different kind of god preaching a different kind of gospel!

Just as the pregnant woman who gives birth on the hospital bed screams, "Help!" That is what God is awaiting for you to say to him, "Help!" The Holy Spirit has been speaking to you a long time about leaving the church, but you are scared! So you have been told, certain brothers and sisters in Christ who left the church had bad things happen to them, and you don't want to be next. What happened to that scripture you learned about "God not giving you the spirit of fear?"
Spiritual abuse is a real problem in the church. It causes one to become dependant on the church for just about everything. It condemns, belittles, judges, betrays, lies, hurts, isolates, ruins, shuns, and sends many to hell! Wake up!

If you are the relative or friend of someone who has lost their mind in the church, help them to come back to their senses by first educating yourself about spiritual abuse so that you will know how to best discuss matters in the church with them. Very often people don't get through to loved ones, because they don't know how to talk to them.

However, if you are the one in the church wondering why do I feel as if I am ready to give birth to something good in my life, but the church keeps holding me back, investigate! Find out what others are saying about their experiences. Read the word for yourself, "Study and show thyself approved unto God...rightly dividing the word of truth," the way God intended. Fast and pray on your own and you will be amazed at what you'll learn about yourself and those around you.


Nicholl McGuire
Inspiring and thought-provoking, YouTube Channel http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7

Monday

Spiritual Abuse...The Modern Day Pharisee

“Spiritual Abuse”, a catch phrase coined in recent years by Author’s David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen, is as old as organized religion itself. For most, the historical events which best portray spiritual abuse include the Holy Wars, The Inquisition, the persecution of many eastern Europeans at the hands of the Orthodox church. While many would consider spiritual abuse to be a seldom occurring event today, truthfully, it is very prevalent in the Christian Church, including mainline evangelical churches.

Spiritual abuse is the misuse of an office or position of power, leadership, lay leadership, or influence to further the wishes or directives of an organization or individual against the will of another party. Spiritual abuse is not always subtle in appearance, and more often, like many other forms of abuse in today’s society, relishes on the secrecy provided by implementing it’s power over another in privacy. Spiritual manipulation, mental manipulation, manipulation of events as well as facts, and false spiritual authority are often the classic markers of true spiritual abuse. Certainly, in a religious setting, it’s possible to be so dogmatic in your belief system, that as a leader, in defending your beliefs you wound or abuse anyone who questions, or disagrees, or doesn’t behave spiritually the way you want them to.

In the years following 300 A.D. a great transition came to the Christian church as an organization. A hierarchal style of church leadership came into being, creating a top down management or governmental structure. This change was very different from the early Christian church as it existed in the first century after the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. With this new style of church governance came the power struggles common to levels of authority.

In recent years after questioning the directives of how church leaders were responding to a matter, a Christian and Missionary Alliance Church Chairman of the Board, approached a man whose wife had recently abandoned the home, and in privacy quietly told the man, “We can’t tell you what to do, but whether you want us to or not, we can suggest what you should do.” There begins the mental manipulation of spiritual abuse. An authority figure, trying to manipulate a person into doing their bidding, when their opinion was not sought or wanted. While it is most definitely healthy to seek the opinion and suggestions of others in times of need, when you do not seek it, and leadership personally imposes or continually dispenses it upon you against your wishes, it is hurtful, wounding, mentally undermining, and confusing. In other words, a form of mental manipulation. Spiritual abuse.

In a Christian and Missionary Alliance Church, the Senior Pastor pulled the same man aside and informed him shortly after this man’s marriage failed, “ We will do whatever we think needs to be done to keep you single and available to reunite you with your wife, whether it takes 7 years or 11 years.” While the intent and desire of the heart of this leader may genuinely have been grieving the break-up of a marriage in his congregation, his response and choice in handling the matter was clearly against the wishes of the couple. It was a clear, and resulted in being a very destructive form of spiritual abuse.

In a meeting with a Reform Church Pastor, while researching the subject of divorce in the church, one pastor informed this writer that as a denomination, from their head office, when a marriage fails in a church, they have many tools at their disposal to drive the couple back together whether it was wanted by the couple or not. If not wanted by both former marriage partners then it’s spiritual abuse.

In Baptist, as well as Christian and Missionary Alliance Church settings, this writer has observed pastors mis-using church discipline committees to try and force their way of thinking on church members, only to discover the Pastor was involved in an act of dishonesty. The Pastor then tired to conceal his act of dishonesty by using a discipline committee to maintain power over the one who could reveal “the skeleton in the closet”, making the innocent look like the guilty party, or a party of questionable reputation. Definite spiritual abuse.

The practice of “shunning” by the Mennonite community is a passive aggressive form of manipulating a person into correction, a form of spiritual abuse. Churches that are a part of “shepherding” movements; or off-shoots of the Mennonite movement such as Mennonite Brethren; or “covenant” style of churches often struggle at the local level with issues of spiritual abuse.

In today’s local church, be it Baptist, Roman Catholic, Episcopalian, Anglican, Pentecostal, Dutch Reform, Christian and Missionary Alliance, Presbyterian, etc., there is the real opportunity for the existence of spiritual abuse. Most often it is at the local church level and unknown to the senior denominational leaders. At the root of spiritual abuse there is one common factor, the corrupt nature of man in authority.

When one looks at the life of Jesus Christ, you witnessed a religious leader who lived his life totally in the open, even to his death, with nothing to hide. He was not a manipulator. He did not impose his wishes or suggestions on anyone, he simply taught, and in it’s right place, debated. Jesus Christ was less concerned with rules and regulations, and more concerned with human suffering. He was not image conscious. He associated with the drunks, prostitutes, cheating tax collectors, and often accused the legalistic church Pharisees (many who were the church leaders of the day) of “teaching for doctrine the commandments of men” (Matthew 15:9)

Of the Pharisees (the temple or church leaders of Jesus Christ's day), quintessential spiritually abusive leaders, Jesus Christ likened their showy, hypocritical outward righteousness to “whitened sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.” (Matthew 23:27)

Many consider the world of Pharisees to be something of an ancient concept. Pharisees still exist today in the hearts, minds and actions of spiritual leaders, and lay leaders who abuse.


About the Author
James C. Tanner of http://www.silent-wonder.com and of http://whats-he-like.com, is a retired entrepreneur, a former special investigator, and a published writer who's articles and written comments are enjoyed by 12.5 million readers monthly.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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