Tuesday

Get Me Out - When the Victim No Longer Wants to Stay

The day that you make up in your mind that you will no longer put up with an emotionally or physically abusive partner, is the day that you are headed toward peace of mind.

You are now ready to focus on your future without the controlling individual dominating every aspect of your mind.  It can be challenging to plan for the day you are officially free from an abuser, but you can do it!  Encourage yourself!  Take baby steps toward independence and don't allow anyone or anything to discourage you in your quest to break free from toxic programming.

Survivors, who were once victims, recognized just how brainwashed they were in their past miserable relationships of power and control.  Abusers bully their victims.  They make promises sometimes keeping them, other times breaking them.  They dominate their lives with their demands.  The longer you stay, the more they keep you under their thumb.

Expecting someone or a group to rescue you from the clutches of an abusive person just might not come because most people will assume you have enough sense to walk out the door.  You can pray, talk with others, orchestrate an exit plan, but if your feet aren't walking, you are there to stay.  For many victims, they never make it out alive.

When a victim is serious about moving on with his or her life, he or she makes an effort to leave. Victims who have finally awakened no longer make excuses for the abuse they incur.  They are no longer weak to their abusers' charm or fearful of upsetting them.  They know they can no longer put up with their mean partners, so they make up in their minds to leave.

You might be that one in a toxic relationship.  You may need to protect children or you already sent them away, now it is time to prepare to get the abuser out of your dwelling or you leave until you have the support system to push him or her out.

Whatever you choose to do or whenever, just know that you can win!  You can be free of the controlling partner if you are willing to let go--activate your faith this day and let God!

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

Your Face Tells it All - Mistreated, Hurt & Confused

With so much going on in people's personal lives, you would think people in our nation wouldn't be living longer due to so much stress they are experiencing.  Yet they survive and with some, barely.

Men and women going through much trial, cover up their personal woes with laughs, nods, winks, eye-catching attire, expensive automobiles, and fabulous homes.  But those of us who have been mistreated recognize those who are going through much.  We can see through the smoke and mirrors.  Delusional people lie to themselves and others about what is really going on at home and caution children, "Don't tell or else..."

The eyes don't lie and yesteryear's bruises tell dark stories on victims' faces.  An abusive spouse or partner rarely admits that he or she is wrong when battles increase.  He or she may have once apologized almost immediately after an offense, but in time admitting to one's faults becomes a rare thing to do.  The mean-spirited partner has grown accustomed to getting away with verbal and/or physical abuse.

A victim's face in photographs, riding in a car next to a partner, while on the phone talking to him/her, or when a spouse's name is mentioned reveals much.  The mood is soon to follow.  An air of tension, negativity, and sometimes impatience, irritability or an unexplained emotional outburst is sure to follow.  When the victim is asked, "Are you okay?  Is everything alright?"  There is a negative tone of voice or a hurried statement, "Fine...Good.  The same.  Must you ask?  Let's talk about something else."  Witnesses eventually stop asking since they aren't the least bit interested in being drawn into the victim's negative space.

So when those in these troubled relationships wonder, "How does family/relative/friend know about me?  Who talked about my relationship?  What is wrong?"  Discerning people know better.  No one didn't have to tell them anything, a victim's face tells it all.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.

Tuesday

Abusive, Explosive Men Can't Handle Women's Issues

Menstruation, peri-menopause, menopause, PMDD, pregnancy, ulcers, clotting, depression, etc., women have their health woes and abusive men who are short on patience, selfish, and lack empathy don't take the news well about their spouses or partners' health "issues" especially when sex is impacted. (Please keep this in mind for those of you who counsel and treat women).

It doesn't matter how often these couples have sex or not, men who are angry for any number of reasons only become more irritated when women complain of cramps or heavy bleeding, are not able to assist them physically with household projects, errands, or business due to a variety of challenging symptoms, and have their share of the blues mentally and are not interested in being intimate.

Selfish partners will grumble, complain, ignore, or reject women even when they are trying their best to be attentive.  There is either very little or no communication because their controlling spouses are pouting and "don't like this...can't we do something...and why not?"  Some of these men are unwilling to listen or compromise much about their partner's health particularly when they know they are not going to get their needs met when they want.  Some will do little to wait on a partner who is unable to walk, care for children, clean household, or make meals. 

Once the abuser's wife or girlfriend is ready to be intimate, the abuser may not be or will punish them for the inconvenience by withholding sex for a long time.  Some abusive men will simply begin their quest to find a lover to replace a partner while blaming the wife or girlfriend for all that is wrong with the relationship.

You may have connected with a controlling man who complained about the women who he dated in the past not ever thinking about their health concerns.  He may have alluded to some problems, but you didn't think that one day the "too good to be true" man would act insensitive about your health challenges. 

Some women will rush to have sex with their abusive partners for fear they will cheat on them only to cause further health problems. They do not give themselves enough time to heal after surgeries, they refuse to treat illnesses for the length of time required, and they will push themselves to assist their partners with projects that require heavy lifting, excessive standing and bending.  Then these same women wonder why they can't seem to get better.  Meanwhile, a partner will complain to parents, siblings, friends or co-workers about "how she doesn't do...she doesn't like to help with..."  The unsuspecting doesn't have a clue about who the poor woman is living with because most abusers have two-faces that they wear.  The good, helpful, and loving guy image in public and the miserable guy at home who resents his good-for-nothing family.

When in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy, they could care less what you are suffering from, how long the symptoms lasts, and would prefer you keep your mouth shut about all that is wrong with you after he or she has already been told.  One individual told me in a condescending tone, "Your period comes every month, so what!"  Despite all of the education he received on my condition (which was worse than most women), he simply didn't care and I avoided him like a plague during that time too! 

These self-centered men or women's main concern is when will you be back to your old self and will "I get to be with you again real soon."  This isn't love or genuine care for you, it is all about him.  If the abuser doesn't feel you are getting better fast enough, he or she will psychologically push you to do what he wants when he wants using power and control.  An abuser's speech will sound like motivation and empathy but is really not--controlling people are being pushy and demanding. 

The emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman is about self!  He wants you to violate doctor's orders sooner rather than later to meet his needs so what about yours!  Don't fall for the charming, guilt or threatening speech!  Some abusers will go so far as to take some things away from you to get you to comply with their demands or worse use children against you. 

"Ever since you got sick, you don't care about me or the kids...get up!  You're not a good mom, because if you were, you would...I don't know what I ever saw in you!  How could you do your man this way?  I was there for you when I wasn't feeling good, so you can't just do this small thing for me!  It's not like you have to do something crazy, I just want you to...Well if you don't I guess I will have to..." the abuser says. 

Your health should be your main priority not an abuser and all the foolishness that comes out his mouth!  Connect with a support system because you will need it when you are down.  Law enforcement, lawyers, parents, home health aides, prayer warriors, social workers, doctors, therapists, extended relatives, friends, support groups, etc. are available to assist you with a cold-bloodied man.   

You live in your body and you are the one who has to experience all that comes with a health challenge not your partner or your children!  If you don't care about you, who will?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

Saturday

It's Such a Happy Father's Day for Some Families But Not All

Happy Father's Day should be reserved for the man who is actually the kind of dad that isn't abusive toward his family.  Yet, men everywhere who are fathers whether good or not are told the statement due to the holiday.  There is a father, stepfather, father-in-law or spiritual father that is either going to get an insincere acknowledgment out of fear from children, "Thanks Dad" or a pass on all the pleasantries on that day from disappointed relatives.

An abusive father knows that what he does for his household compared to the grief he caused his family via power and control is why he might not be appreciated, liked or even loved.  At times abusive men truly feel guilt, shame, and disappointment especially during holidays when other men are reverenced but not them.  What's worse they will project their pain on to the ones in the dwelling for not making them feel good whether overtly or covertly.  That's why one who knows that someone is living with an abusive man should think twice about making references to holidays and demanding that the family spend time with kin.  People on the outside looking in just don't know how much a family has to put up with when a man is down on his luck, acting difficult, jealous of others, feels like his back is up against the wall, and may like to drink much or use drugs.

Many victims grew up with dysfunctional dads while others didn't get to experience a father figure and so both are attracted to men similar to their own fathers.  Stories may have been told of dad being controlling, manipulative, mean-spirited, bitter, a cheat, etc. and for those who witnessed such behavior as children, a partner like this is all-too-familiar and for some this is why they stay, there programming is wrong.  They learned that abuse is tolerable and falsely believe that things will get better, "If I do this...say that..."

Children are sometimes forced to give dad presents or else.  "It's father's day, tell your dad you are grateful, show him some love...don't act like that, your dad loves you," says a brainwashed mother.

Kids are used like pawns in order to get a father to meet household demands he may not have wanted to do initially, but who can say, "No" to a sweet child?  Abusive men can.  They can be cold, calculating, and discerning when mom is putting children up to doing something for her and/or the family.  "So you all are treating me so nice because of a d&mn holiday?  You know full well, I don't do holidays--I could care less!"

If you have experienced such behavior mentioned in this blog from a father or suspect a loved one is in a controlling relationship, understand there is little that you can do.  Until a mother makes up in her mind to leave or get law enforcement involved to deal with the abusive man in her life, she and children will continue to suffer even on Father's Day.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books on this site.  Do check them out.

Power and Control - Who is Your Foe - family, friends, coworkers

God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

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