Monday

Abusers Teach Rebellion: Whatever You or Others Say Doesn't Matter, Only What They Say

Rebel against your mother, the teacher, the coach, law enforcement or anyone else an abuser doesn't like and you are considered one of their favorite pawns to use and abuse!  They don't like it very much when children listen to their victims especially when what they are doing is interfering with their plans.  So the brainwashing begins to sway a child or young adult son or daughter to believe that everything is wrong with the other parent and not with them!  Some of the manipulation looks like the following:

1)  Speaking ill about the ex in front of the new partner.
2)  Saying that "If it wasn't for me...your mother this...your father that...I have been there for you!"
3)  Offering service while talking about how bad the other person is for not doing.
4)  Lying about the verbal and/or physical abuse that took place in the relationship.
5)  Love bombing the children so that they never know that the abuser was really the reason why the other parent ended the relationship and/or suddenly moved away.
6)  Pretending he or she loves the spouse and/or children and only wants what is best for the "family" when he or she really uses all to do things like: give the abuser money, be honored at special events, get assistance with household chores, run errands, make phone calls, handle financial matters, etc.

Abusers like to be in control at all times and they don't appreciate others getting in the way of that.  If he typically is involved with what his family is doing, he doesn't want an in-law showing up and changing things.  He will discourage visits from family members and close friends if he notices that his family are trailing off into another direction that he isn't use to or has set for them.

An abuser will not discipline children or grandchildren for being disrespectful toward someone who isn't one's favorite or what they deem is a "disloyal" person.  They may even be instructed whether overtly or covertly to ignore what the other parent asks or demands.  When issues arise in school, so as not to look bad, the abuser will fake concern and may decide to discipline a child if his or her behavior repeatedly embarrasses or inconveniences him or her.  Otherwise, they could care less.

As much as we would like to make excuses for an abuser's behavior that had been pointed out to us as unhealthy, the truth is, it is!  There is nothing cool or righteous about teaching people to ignore, disrespect, ignore, or shame authority!  Encouraging a spouse or child to disregard someone or a company responsible for helping the family is never okay.  The consequences of doing such things will cause resources to no longer be available.  Teachers will no longer be proactive in assisting a child who might be struggling in school.  Defending rebellious behavior will only lead to more behavioral problems in the future.

When you recognize that an abuser's demands to rebel against someone or a group who is obviously not hurting but is helpful toward your family, that is not the time to withdraw from that person or group, if anything stay connected and reach out to them when you or your children need help like getting away from the abuser!

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself

Sunday

When a Partner Doesn’t Listen to Your Cry, Sons and Daughters Couldn't Care Less

Ever been frustrated when attempting to communicate your concerns to a partner?  He or she shrugs, fakes interest, or responds in a tone that brings out the worse in you.  Meanwhile, children couldn’t care less that the dispute was instigated by what they said or didn’t do. 

No one heard the instruction, caution, or anger spewing out of your voice attempting to keep something from occurring days or even weeks prior.  The day goes on.  Mom is the crazy one and everyone else is sane.

When your family doesn’t hear you, there are times where you have to be like an annoying fly until they do.  Of course, they will want to do what they can to make you go away, but persistent moms get the job done.  Whether they post reminders all over the house, call twice a day plus send texts checking in on their troubled children, or stand in the living room with a bullhorn to get everyone to stop fighting, Mom knows that some activities require undivided attention.  She may have to take children’s favorite items out of rooms in order for homework to be completed and cut off time spent with favorite relatives and friends until matters at home are addressed. 

When her relationship is begging for aid, Mom might go out of her way to change her entire appearance, cook a full spread meal, and purchase her husband’s favorite drinks just to say, “I love you!”  Her husband may be oblivious as to what is happening with her, at home and the children due to work obligations.  As crazy as some of this might sound, there just is no getting through to some people with tough personalities without some attention-grabbing action.  Now you may not be that over-the-top with getting results from your family, and the truth be told neither am I.  

I am not the type who stands on a soap box yelling at the top of my lungs while wearing a tutu, "Do you hear me?"  Yet, whatever creative or not-so creative way you come up with, the objective, Mom, is to get someone in that house to hear your cry before you do something that you might later regret!

Many mothers are killing themselves softly inside, because they refuse to voice their concerns about things like: their children’s school progress, their husband’s infidelity, the busy-body in-laws, an addiction that has crept up out of nowhere, internal pain and suffering, etc.  These so-called Super Moms believe that by “keeping the peace” and balancing everything under the sun they are doing the right thing.  However, what they are really doing is building ticking time bombs on the inside.  If only some deceased husbands and babies knew before they were placed in their graves. 

What a mother chooses to do to communicate with her stubborn family members has to be attention-grabbing, functional, within reason, and most of all out of love!  Not only are you expecting your family to hear you, but you have to be willing to hear them too.  As I have said awhile ago, a lot of mothers are leaving this world before their partners.  They are exhausted with having to work jobs that they don’t like and/or require long hours, manage households, care for children, check on relatives, catch up with friends, run errands, follow-up with doctors, take prescription medicines, plan holiday events, and much more.  They are running themselves ragged!

I shared with my children one day what I needed from them.  I repeatedly told them about chores, posted the lists where they could see them, and asked them about homework.  I reminded them of the consequences.  They have since had to learn the hard way.  I sat down with my husband on many occasions communicating my concerns about many things respectfully, angrily, and silently.  When issues aren’t addressed once again there are consequences.  

As much as you don’t want to see any of your family members suffer, there comes a point where what you are feeling inside transfers on to them simply because there is an unwillingness to change.  There is more to life then one’s personal comfort, routine, and what he or she feels is “right” to them. 

Quality families are built on trust, communication, respect, and love.  Without these things, they are destined to fail.  I told my children one day, “When I walk out this room, I trust that you are going to do what I told you…I respect you, but I don’t like your not listening…I love you but I don’t have to like what you are doing.  If your brother (or anyone) is doing something you don’t like and after you told him and he is still doing the same thing, you come tell me and I will deal with him.”  

Sons and daughters know not to keep things bottled inside, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the same thing.  Don’t be worried or fearful about irritating or angering one of your relatives because you need some cooperation from them especially if you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive!

Share your cry today with someone whether online or offline who can relate to what is bothering you.  Those closest to you need to know why you aren’t your typical happy self, and what you might need in order to get you through another day!  Don't expect an abusive partner to understand.  

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and author of When Mothers Cry and Say Goodbye to Dad.

God Can Take it All Away

Tuesday

The Joy of Knowing You are Getting Out: A Checklist Toward Freedom from a Controlling Husband

Right now it doesn't look like it.  You have been with a partner for years and have tolerated much.  From the lying to the emotional and/or physical affairs or worse beatings, you know in your mind it is time to go, but when?  "When" is not a question you rush to answer.  One's steps to end a miserable relationship are careful, calculated, and consistent.  Each step moves you closer to freedom!

Check your mind.

If you are no longer finding yourself hoping/wishing/waiting for something to change in the angry or abusive mate, you are well on your way toward independence.  If you are still caught up in a world of fantasy, you are merely hindering yourself emotionally and physically and it will continue to feel like you will never get free.

Check your heart.

Still in love or like when he or she does something nice/funny/thoughtful?  Time to put the sentimental emotions in a box and store them away in a closet or a shelf, but not in your heart.  No more letting that heart flutter when an emotionally and physically abusive partner finally decides to be good to you.  It's all smoke and mirrors and when something like a holiday passes i.e.) Valentine's Day, it's back to mean-spiritedness maybe sooner or maybe later, but evil will be back.  Protect your heart!

Check your family.

As much as they think they are helping matters by offering their unsolicited advice, service to kick your rotten partner's @ss, or barging in on your family unannounced, you won't emotionally or physically let go of the toxic relationship any faster.  Remind them of their place/role in your life and if they can't respect your wishes, go low or no contact until you are free of your abusive mate.

Check your spirit.

Those who believe in God and prayer, you know better not to worship man, but you do every time you disobey God.  He created your spirit; therefore, He knows the desires of your heart.  When we pray, we expect God to answer and when God speaks, He expects for us to listen.  It is difficult to hear Him when you are more concerned about all things related to a controlling spouse.  So get around some sisters and brothers in Christ and let them pray for you!

Check your bank account.

No more assisting the abusive person in your life with saving him money!  No calling on family and friends to assist with his needs, projects, requests, and more!  Consider this, every time you buy something for the household, save, or give him money, you stagnate your potential to: save, invest, spend, and donate the money you have earned to assist yourself FIRST!  Part of that assistance is using your hard-earned finances to MOVE!

Controlling men could care less about all of what women have done since time began to assist them, kinfolk, and household!  Wives and mothers have saved the heads of households thousands when they refused to marry or didn't want weddings, applied for rental/grocery/healthcare assistance when they didn't have jobs, stayed home with children, shopped for groceries on sale or went without, advised partners on where to get the most for their money, shopped around for cost-saving services, personally cleaned, cooked, ironed, organized, sewed, etc. for these ungrateful mates! Yet, controlling men and their ignorant relatives and friends don't bother to see any good in the victims.  These women are supposedly all-bad, deserved to be mistreated and more.  These women weren't broken and tired when they met their abusers.  However, when anyone stays in a miserable relationship long enough, that's what you become!  Therefore, you owe it to your self to continue to keep your eyes on the prize: FREEDOM from a controlling man!

Be consistent in taking each step toward your healing.  You work independently, you entertain yourself without him, you make your own friends, you have your own bank account, you save your own money, you search for your own place, you manage your own schedule (and he doesn't need to know every d@mn thing you do!) and most of all you worship your Creator without him!  Be joyful in the Lord, He is the one who knows you better than yourself and if you trust in Him, He will direct your paths!

Nicholl McGuire
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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