Saturday

Physically Abused Victims Feel Trapped, Fearful, Often Worried, Insecure, Angry and Jealous

So the abuser didn't hit, slap, kick, push, or spit on the victim in awhile, but one's refrain from physical abuse does nothing for the victim's negative emotions that linger long after the abusive episodes have subsided.  When the next explosive argument and violence shows up, it most likely will produce more of the same feelings: isolation, fear, worry, insecurity, anger, and jealousy in the victim.  There is no quality communication, genuine love, compassion, or understanding in relationships like this!

Trapped

When a victim feels trapped it is similar to that of a mouse caught in a trap.  No matter what one's common sense tells him or her about getting away, the fight within feels useless after awhile and so one gives up!  In the victim's mind, "You caught me. I accept my fate."  So all attempts to get free whether he or she tries to do it or someone offers to help are ignored.  There is more reasoning as to why "I can't, I won't, I couldn't..." Instead of, "I can, I will, I am able to..."  The abuser has a long list of strategies to keep the victim close.  He or she uses them time and time again because they work!  The abuser had already interviewed the victim a long time ago during the dating phase.  He or she plays on the victim's weaknesses.  

The abuser thinks evilly concerning the victim. "She is the lonely type, she isn't going anywhere.  He is needy due to his mental disability.  He doesn't have much money, he can't manage his bills on his own.  Who is going to want her?  She knows she is ugly, she is lucky to have me.  He never could keep any of his girlfriends in check, he's a wimp.  He probably thanks God everyday he has someone like me."

Fearful

Someone who has used repeated intimidation, threats, and harm isn't the kind of person you can rest easy around.  So the victim is visibly nervous and scared within whenever the abuser comes around.  The anxiety increases when a voice is raised, a door is slammed, something goes bump, and someone screams.  The flight, fight or freeze response is activated.  However, most victims are usually frozen in these relationships.  They can't seem to move when they would like, so they just busy themselves in view of their abusers, sit for far too long like in front of a screening device, stand in place when the abuser talks like what a soldier would do when a sergeant talks, or go to sleep when things in their households are tense. 

Worried

There is the worry the victims carry around at home like, "Did I cook the right meal, buy the right food...Should I say this or do that?  Is he going to hurt me because I did...I should have never done that." The concerns are even more intense when around relatives and friends whether with an abuser or not.  "I hope that they don't say anything to piss him off.  I really wish that my parents wouldn't talk so much to her.  I rather be at home, this way I don't have to answer their questions.  Maybe if I just smile and don't say much, they won't tell me another thing my spouse said or did to them.  I pray my partner won't give me the silent treatment or find an excuse to hit me, because of what my friends said.  I can't stay here for long, because my spouse is going to start to blow my phone up and I don't want to hear his mouth!"

Insecure

It is hard to be yourself when in an abusive relationship.  You don't feel content with who you are, you are unsure about your future, and you don't trust yourself or your partner.  The violent partner may still be someone who you love, but how can one feel at ease in a relationship with an individual who uses violence to manipulate and control?  How can one say that he or she is "secure" when most of the behaviors that the victim displays especially when communicating with others say, "I am uncertain about who I am anymore.  I can't seem to make a decision.  Do you think I am doing a good job?  What do you think about me?  Am I living up to your expectations?  Please don't reject me, you probably think I am stupid. I don't think I am smart enough to do that look at all of my poor decisions."

Angry

Having a relationship or friendship with someone who has been victimized isn't easy.  As a victim, you aren't a happy person to be around.  You have sadness in your eyes, anger in your voice, misery in your walk, and an aura that tells everyone, "Please keep away!"  So it isn't any wonder why people gradually distance from you.  You make excuses for your pent up rage.  You lie about how you truly feel when asked.  Then one day or many days you go off on the wrong people.  You can be a bit selfish expecting them to be all things to you, meanwhile you can't be too much of anything to yourself like a peaceful person for starters.  You want to be there for someone who disrespects you while you disrespect others.  Your anger is misguided and misdirected. A victim has no problem displaying rage and acting on it with others, but eventually cowers to one's abuser.  Watch how he or she thinks twice about reacting to the abuser during conflict or a tense moment, but doesn't hesitate to display unhealthy emotions with select individuals that he or she considers weak.  Talk about the kettle talking about the pot!  The victim is really angry at his or herself for making the decision to stay with a loser and it is unfortunate that everyone around this person suffers because of it!

Jealousy

The victim is often jealous.  Why?  Because he or she sees how the abuser treats everyone else outside the home with kindness and respect.  The victim is jealous of those people who have quality relationships, so how come she can't have something like that with the man or woman she chose?  The victim attempts to use healthy relationship advice to make her situation better with an unwilling subject.  His or her partner becomes upset when this done because the abuser doesn't want to change.  Jealous emotions arise and the victim begins to lash out on the unsuspecting because he or she feels powerless in a miserable relationship.  The victim knows the difference between love and hate, positive and negative, healthy and unhealthy, good and evil, and because of that it hurts all the more to see that others are doing so well and he or she is not.  Jealous emotions will also keep one distant from those who appear to be doing better in their relationships than the victims.  However, that is not always the case rather what he or she is jealous of is a mirage or allusion.  There are many relationship secrets that couples do not share with others for many have been emotionally and/or physically abusive at one time or another toward each other.

Interview with Director and Founder of Domestic Violence Resource Center...

God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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