Why Do Domestic Violence Victims Stay with Abusers

One of the most puzzling aspects of domestic violence is why victims stay with their abusers. There are many factors that can contribute to this decision, including emotional attachment, financial dependency, and fear of retaliation. Unfortunately, domestic violence often escalates over time, making it even more difficult for victims to leave. In some cases, victims may have been raised in a household where domestic violence was accepted as a normal part of life. As a result, they may not realize that there are other options available to them. In other cases, victims may be afraid that leaving the relationship will result in further violence. They may also believe that they can change their abuser's behavior if they just try hard enough. 

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Have you (or your loved one) been emotionally or physically abused in the past? 
  • How did you or others respond to the abuse? 
  • Are you fearful of what might happen if you (or they leave)?
  • Do you reason that the name-calling, shoving, spitting, kicking, punching, cheating or any other abusive act is okay and will never happen again?
  • Do you believe that abusive behavior is acceptable?
  • Despite everything that you have experienced or witnessed, do you still find yourself saying, "But he loves...It won't happen again." How do people respond to you (or they) when that is said?
  • What is the difference between love and control in relationships?  Look that up.

While it is ultimately up to each individual to decide whether to stay or leave an abusive relationship, it is important to remember that there are many resources available to help you or the domestic violence victim escape an abusive situation and rebuild one's life. Don't be afraid to reach out for help.

Start here: Office on Women's Health and Domestic Violence Services, Inc. resources for men.


We Didn't Forget When Relatives and Friends Were Used and Abused

They didn't want us to remind them of what we saw growing up.  They pretended as if things hadn't happened.  They changed the subject, acted busy, or walked away.  Some of them stopped talking to us and got other relatives to distance themselves from us.  The truth hurt and it still hurts for many!  We were there when their parents and grandparents did their dirt or we heard about it.  We were told to keep our mouths shut, to pretend as if nothing happened, and to "mind your business!"

When I grew older, and I got opportunities to talk with family members and friends, who had witnessed and/or experienced their share of abuses, they didn't hesitate to come clean after certain people had passed away.  They knew they had been gaslighted and threatened into submission.  They reasoned it was best that people didn't know about their loved ones being hurt by favorite relatives.  However, I wasn't one for letting it all just wash away especially when some people were still being used and abused!

The younger generation must know and in some cases the police needed to know.  What was going on in darkness for some kinfolk, came out into the light!  It was a divine occurrence for some of us to be used by the almighty God to sound the alarm on family abuse.  We needed to do what needed to be done, expose the abusers both dead and alive!  

The generational lies, secrets and coverups concerning screaming matches, physical violence, adultery, molestation, stealing, and more didn't have to keep going on!  If certain relatives truly knew about other relatives, they would not subject their own children and/or grandchildren to more abuses!  The truth-seekers and tellers in the family uncovered who had been raped, who had been beaten by a spouse, who had an addiction, who had been in jail, who wasn't someone's child, and on and on.  I wrote Genealogy X to help family and the general public uncover their personal family histories.

There were financial, emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual abuses that were generations deep!  Some family members thought that it was just their family that had their share of pain.  Others had assumed that beloved relatives were being treated special, but they were really being abused.  We falsely assumed that because some kinfolk had good jobs, nice homes, and what appeared to be a close-knit family that they were okay, but that was far from the truth!

As I write, I think of some of my younger relatives who have been fed narratives that are totally false about some of us and our situations involving parents and grandparents for fear that one day we might meet.  Their strategy was to make their own children oblivious to the facts so that they wouldn't believe anything we had to say when we finally got a chance to talk. 

I had been ill-informed about a number of relatives because other kin had their own personal grievances about my family members.  The twists and turns of how some abusive relatives wanted their truth to be portrayed would at times drown out the real truth!  No matter what some of these liars came up with, what they didn't know, was I didn't forget.  I held on to what I saw and heard no matter what threats were made against me!

You have to be passionate about the truth and rise above the hurt if you truly want to be free!  You have to be the one that is determined to stand even when everyone else chooses to sit.  You can't be suffocated by so many so-called "good" memories that others share with you that you can't recall what happened to you.  It's unsafe to forget and foolish to hang in the presence of someone abusive!

Being that so many kinfolks had explosive temperaments around me, I learned to just do what I was told when I was young, but when I got older, I questioned what they were doing and saying and got into my share of trouble because of it.  Even though, I learned what not to say or do around certain relatives, I still held on to what I knew and that was I didn't want anything to do with these people.  There was something wrong with some of their minds.  They were not, dare we say it, normal.  

What was strange was for some of us, we ended up in the arms of what was familiar.  We didn't feel normal around normal folks.  We felt comfortable around the users and abusers--too comfortable; therefore, we fell victim to them later in life.  I recall how I saw something in the way that some of the men I dated behaved that made me feel at home.  I would learn the hard way that what drew me to them was familiarity not necessarily common interests and appeal.  The "familiar" or "you remind me of..." almost cost me my life with one man.

The same behaviors that we had grown accustomed to growing up, have a way of showing up in our relationships and friendships with others.  It is up to us to recognize abuse for what it is, it hurts, manipulates, lies, cheats, steals, beats you over the head with a bible, chases you like a dog in heat for sex, and so on.  Abuse is evil and it is there to destroy you!

We remember and we don't let abusers forget!

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and the author of Say Goodbye to Dad, She's Crazy, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry



Journal Your Way to Healing with Founder of Domestic Violence Resource Center

You heard people journal in order to bring about peace of mind, healing, coordinate their vision, re-charge, find a way to cope in the meantime, and more!  Are you journaling?  If not, you may want to start, so many people feel uplifted, focused and ready to begin their lives anew when they journal!  

Shepherd's Door, a resource center for victims of domestic violence, founder, Linda Offray says, "I have been journaling for 20 years."  She goes on, "I started journaling when I completed ministry school and began to work in ministry.  The Spirit of God begin to show me so much through visions and dreams.  So I began to write down what the spirit spoke to me.  It didn't matter what time of the day, I would just grab something and start writing.  I wanted to keep a record of what God was showing me as well as speaking to me."  She adds that she always knew what she was receiving was meaningful.  "So when my life manifested good or bad, I would go back to my many journals and there it was God!  He would have already showed me or spoke to my spirit.  So my journals are full of God's manifestations."

The wife and mother says, "I journal my ideas, how my day went, if I was upset about something, goals, marriage, when I was child, etc.  For me, journaling is healing and liberating.  It set me free when I started writing and I feel a release afterward."

When it comes to affirmations, Linda shares, "I believe words have power!  Therefore, I speak positive affirmations and many things in my life has been manifested.  I feel anything you constantly say you become.  So I teach it is very important that your words are life, prosperity, love, healing, joy, success, etc.  This is my first journal and I am proud to share it with others!  Enjoy writing your affirmations and anything that resonates with you!  Write your thoughts!  Use it in whatever way you choose, I think you won't go wrong!"

Feel free to purchase this creative journal at by clicking the link below: 

Get your copy today!

My Affirmation Journal
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.