Monday

The Wish for the Pain to Stop

Holiday seasons are being utilized for all the wrong reasons when it comes to volatile relationships.  Buy one's abuser as much as he or she can and hopefully no abuse will occur, the girlfriend thinks.  Gather favorite relatives and friends around and maybe a spouse will be on his or her best behavior.  Reach out to travel planners to make an abusive husband's dreams come true.  Oh the victims, what great lengths they will go to appease an abusive partner.

I recall the money, time and energy I spent in relationships with verbally and physically abusive loved ones.  I also remember wishing the pain would stop at least for awhile if only I could make them smile.  Instead of buying love, what I needed to do was address my pain.  The nagging feeling on the inside that a cheater was at it again.  The stomach pains from once again having an emotional outburst with a relative because I exposed one's lies.   The soreness in my bones from fighting an angry fiance.  It took multiple blows to my self-esteem and my body to recognize that I inherited problems that I needed to get rid of.  

We make mistakes that may have followed us for days, weeks, or even years, but those errors in judgment can be dealt with.  However, covering up the pain is not solving the problems buried within.  When we realize that someone isn't into us, doesn't like us, is playing us, or could care less about us, proving one's worth is not what a person should do.  Rather, you should work a plan to disconnect, disassociate and most of all live your life!

All the money that I spent on others could have been better invested, shared with those in need, get out of debt, or used to accomplish my dreams.  I thought as well as others that I was a good person during those times of being used and abused by going above and beyond for selfish people.  But "good" wasn't what accurately described me, it was naive.  Believing that just because a man told me an occasional truth, I reasoned, "I guess things are okay."  If he bought me something in return, "I guess he isn't so bad.  We will get over our problems. I'll just pray."  And we didn't get over anything, our disputes only intensified.  Again and again, wrong choices led to more pain.  I wanted it to stop, but I didn't want to face the part I played in aiding my pain.

You might be that one who believes your relationship isn't so bad.  You may have told yourself, "Well no one is beating me..."  Although you might not be taking any blows yet, you are being beaten down emotionally for every heated argument you have with someone who doesn't fight fair.  You are allowing yourself to go through an emotional web of drama that you don't have to be caught up in.  Yet, so many victims don't ever become survivors because they choose to stay in a web of pain.  They are either almost out of a turbulent relationship or get out only to end up back in the arms of those who use and abuse them yet again.

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

I Cried for a Long Time and Then I Stopped

The tears came often for a long time with every offense, secret found out, lie told, and more.  The emotional abusive, physically violent, and miserable type of men that came and went out of my life (as well as those who I had pushed out), I had grown weary of the tears I cried for them. 

Swollen eyes, darken circles, and that feeling of weakness that comes over you from crying so much had worn me down emotionally, physically and spiritually time and time again.  I even stopped going to church for a long time because I just didn't need to feel emotionally charged, crying yet again over all that went wrong was the last thing I wanted to do.  Yet, I eventually did go and kept going, and to my surprise, the guilt, grief, and other emotional burdens left.

As I grew older, more secure in myself, and taking charge of my life, I realized that the tears weren't falling as much as they once did.  I could care less about "the acts" that my abusers had put on to appear like they were so sorry and willing to change. 

I found myself holding back tears to not crying anymore for my past or present.  What was there to cry about?  Abusers rarely change.  They go into hiding with their occasional niceties and their kind words.  However, within them, there is often a dark spirit or two lingering waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting once again.  I was so done with socially sweet yet privately cruel abusive men and their evil twins!

You find yourself growing emotionally cold like the one who keeps hurting you.  You stop fighting verbally in time, but rather you physically withdraw.  You don't want him touching you, you don't want to smell him, you lose the desire to sleep with him, you find yourself slowly but surely living without him.  There may be abusive women that some of my readers are responding to in this way too.  Past abuse isn't easily forgiven.  Trust takes a long time to build back up again.  Life becomes one long drawn out miserable soap opera whose characters are typecasted in roles that they hate.  Yes, abusers might think they are getting away with much but what is really happening is they are aiding in the victim's motivation to get gone sooner rather than later!

Those tears I once cried were what I needed to build an exit plan and finally leave for good.  No hoping/wishing that things would get better in any toxic relationship whether intimate or not.  It took over seven times of leaving and going back to the physical abuser when I finally made up in my brainwashed mind back in 1996 to stay away.  Then about four times (possibly slightly more--can't remember) for me to break up with the emotional abuser about a year later and in between meeting them the brief courtships with other men, I ended within weeks.  Back then, my tears were slowly drying up and I wasn't thinking too much about what I was experiencing in the midst of my decision-making or witnessing their upset.

If there is anything to take away from this blog post is that you will reach a point in your laboring to love an abusive mate that you will stop crying and it doesn't always mean that you have grown cold, but that you are now learning to protect yourself emotionally.  You are finding that staying in a dysfunctional relationship is simply no benefit to you.  You are growing emotionally and learning to exercise self-control.  Abusive relationships are so out of control; therefore, one must strive to take back control.  You can't control the abuser, but you can control how you respond to him or her.

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy and Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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