Tuesday

"I Know He's Watching Me" When the Abuser Stalks His Victim

An abusive man can't resist stalking, talking or attempting to get near the victim long after the abusive experience. It seems that there is a tugging in his heart to want to make things right with just one more apology. Unfortunately, too many women allow themselves to be lulled in his arms only to be punished some more for walking away in the first place. Don't let it happen to you!

You may have said or heard women say, "If he hit me once, that is all it takes--I am outta there!" But the truth is that doesn't always happen. Whether it was a light push, a pull or something else he has done to the woman, she most likely reasons, "Well he was upset and I did push him to his limit a bit." How many times will she rationalize his actions and take the blame?

Unsuspecting women are drawn into abusive relationships, because their abusers are good actors. They know just what to say to keep her coming back for more whether more means in the bedroom, in his bank account, in his sports car, or in his nice house, she comes back.

The abuser may sincerely care about the victim for awhile until the next negative mood arises in him and now he is yelling, name-calling, slamming doors, throwing things or worse hurting her. When she makes up in her mind to leave--for good this time--that's when he watches her.

She is walking with a friend, he watches her. She goes in someone else's house, he watches her. She goes to work, he watches her and on and on and on until one day she confronts him and that's when he will throw up every place she has been and who she had been with. This is when things can get very ugly and dangerous not only for her, but anyone who associates with her.

When you know he is watching (stalking) you, do file a report with your local police. Also, get a copy of his photo and drop it off with security at your workplace. Lastly, tell family and friends when you see him and document the days and times, so that if you should appear in court, you will have a solid case.

Nicholl McGuire is the Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and the creator of this blog. To purchase a copy of her book please visit: Amazon.com or click on one of her image links to the right of this blog.

Saturday

Does Loving Someone Have to Be So Much Hard Work?

You may be in a relationship with someone who just takes work to make happy. He or she acts as if they love you, but do they really? Aside from what we know is just not characteristic of a good relationship (such as hitting, choking, kicking, etc.,) why do we work so hard to make people love us when they obviously don't?

You may have tried to uplift his or her spirits with a story or two, and he or she just looked the other way and continued to busy his or her self. You may have tried to buy him or her a gift hoping to put a smile on this ungrateful person's face. No matter what you do in his or her eyes, you are not good enough. This kind of behavior (without the physical beatings) can be emotionally draining.

When will good enough, be good enough? How many times must you initiate a conversation, love-making, a place to go, or suggest an idea to make your partner's life better? Are there no other people on the planet that will appreciate you? Of course, there are, but the problem is your emotions and physical body is with your partner. It isn't until you allow yourself to emotionally become distant a little each day that the rest of the body will follow.

Some of us are fearful to break up with "comfort," notice I didn't say the person. Because the relationship we are having is with what we are use to not necessarily the person. He or she may have provided for us, made us feel good sometimes, and done other things, but he or she doesn't complete us--being comfortable does. We all know that to start over again costs time and money. One must weigh his or her options, is it better to live with or without this person emotionally and physically?

Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Is He Abusive When He....

Sometimes we tend to sound the alarm too soon when it comes to someone being abusive. Victims of past abuse know exactly what I am talking about. You start dating again and notice a few similarities with a current mate and a past one. So you jump to conclusions, "He is yelling at me...is he going to hit me like...?" Meanwhile, your defenses are up to either protect yourself from being attacked or you are ready to attack. Your poor partner doesn't know what to expect and assumes you are just crazy.

Women who have been hurt physically by others will not hesitate to fight. Say the right trigger words and it's World War III in their homes. This is why you, as the survivor, must learn self-control. You must not assume that the man who is yelling at you will hit you. Otherwise, if you jump the gun, so to speak, you may be the one hauled off to jail. Here are some things you could do when an argument takes place:
  1. Refrain from a face-to-face confrontation by allowing at least an arm distance of space between you and he.
  2. Communicate your concern about his being "too close to your face" or "I feel uncomfortable when you raise your voice."
  3. Be sure you aren't near anything that you could hurl at him.
  4. Watch his expressions and where his hands are placed.

You can easily determine whether this person is like the man from your past when he:
  1. Proceeds to take his hands to hit and/or choke you, hurt self, or throw something at or near you.
  2. Insults you by calling you names; rather than focus on the topic at hand.
  3. Threatens or intimidates you with his presence or uses an object.
  4. Blocks you from entering or leaving a room for long periods of time.
When you see signs that show repeated aggression, lack of empathy, and other abusive signs, you will need to let this man go and take a break from dating. Sometimes we find people similar to our past, because it is what makes us feel comfortable. Do yourself (and any children) you may have a favor, end the relationship with any man who has been abusive to you. However, if the man you are with is not abusive, then you may need to check yourself. Seek counseling if you find yourself acting like your past abuser.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

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