Saturday

He's So Nice - When the Abuser is Too Good to Be True

Those around you talk about how nice and understanding your partner appears to be.  They tell you how much they like him or her.  But you know the real person.  You don't bother to correct these people who only see your partner's best side and nothing else.

An abuser pretends to care about you when others are around, but when alone with him he makes you feel small, uncomfortable, and nervous.  When in public, the gentleman talks about you as if he is in love with you, but behind closed doors, you are "stupid, a cunt, idiot, dumb..."  He says how much he likes this thing and that one about you in front of others, but when alone with you, "I really don't like you...I think you are pathetic...what did I ever see in you?"  If you should allude to who your dear mother-in-law's son really, share complaints with people he knows, or express your feelings in a private counseling session with him, the abuser will explode!

It is the fear of his exploding that keeps you on your toes.  Your stomach and head often aches, because you never know from one day to the next what might set him off.  So you watch what you say to others and try hard to leave your angry partner's name out of your mouth even if you were going to say something seemingly positive.

Women who walk on eggshells around their abusive lovers, husbands, and boyfriends rarely come off as nice as their charming abusers.  Typically, observers will whisper, "You know she is a b*tch!  I don't like the way she acts around him.  I think she is crazy.  Something is wrong with her, her man is alright to me...I wish he were mine!"

The critics are deceived!  People who think they are good judges of character don't know the charming abuser like they think they do!  It isn't until the gullible, na├»ve and ignorant witness or hear about crazy events that they just might say, "I really thought he was a nice guy." 

If you don't live with someone everyday and you or that person doesn't communicate as much as that person's wife, girlfriend or lover, then you have no clue!  You are guessing, speculating, or making assumptions based on how the charmer has made you feel especially if you don't have anyone around who treats you as nice as that guy does.  It is unfair to assume anything about anyone when you know your time with him or her is often limited and in a very controlled setting where everyone is supposed to be on his or her best behavior.  This is how many victims get caught in relationships with abusers, they only see their best sides in pleasant environments.

Psychologists, doctors, lawyers and teachers have been tricked by the deceptive man who dresses well, speaks politely, and behaves like a minister. Most people are shocked when they one day find out that Mr. Nice Guy is no longer that and has went off and killed someone.  Some people are so brainwashed by the character of some of these deceivers that they refuse to believe that Mr. Nice Guy really did beat up his girlfriend.  They say things like, "She must have done something to deserve that beating...you know these women think they can fight men."

One must use wisdom and discern those people who appear to be too good to be true, because usually they are just that!  Warn relatives and friends of things you might have observed that just didn't look or sound right with certain people they trust.  Of course, they might not see what you see, but at least you sowed a seed and they could never come back later and say, "Why didn't you tell me something about him?"

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry, Floral Beauty on a Dead-end Street and other books.  Listen to spiritual teachings on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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