Monday

Selfish, Violent - An Evil Partner in Hiding

They can't help themselves.  You should know by now if you have spent anytime with an emotionally and/or physically abusive partner.  No matter how much you want them to be honest, considerate, kind, loving, appreciative, or any other trait you deem righteous, it just isn't in him or her to be that way, at least not for long! 

Don't think for one minute an evil partner is clueless as to how they are mistreating others whether verbally or non-verbally.  They know full well what they are doing, they just don't know how to control the evil within. 

Believe an abusive spouse or date when they say, "I am bad...wrong for you...I have a dark side.  Sometimes I can't stand myself."  Yet, don't believe them when they say, "I am good.  I am a great human being.  I am a nice person.  I would never hurt you."  Those delusional statements do not accurately describe them.  To select individuals, evil people put on an act; they pretend like they are the best, greatest and most loving person in the room, but we know better!  When you are around your abusive partner more than their own family members, you get to see everything about them: good, bad and otherwise.  Most often family have not seen their dark side in years or ever came across it, so what do they really know?

The selfish and violent men and women of this world will convince anyone who will listen that it is everyone else that is at fault.  "Those people made me...I would have never said or did...if she would have just...I don't know what came over me it was probably something that happened to me when I was a child.  You got to believe me, I would never hurt a soul."  An evil partner has the capability to lie, kill, steal, and blame.  I say this as a warning to anyone reading this, if you suspect a dark side to your loved one, chances are you are right.  So be guarded and don't be so quick to believe any story that comes out of their wicked mouths!

Typically abusive men and women have a dark history with someone or many others.  One that so-called favorite relatives and friends might have forgotten about or dismissed.  Think about those times you saw them reacting to their partners or heard about them being mean to loved ones.  Recall personal experiences where your selfish relative told you yet another lie, false promise, omitted details out of a personal story, or sat quiet when you asked important questions about events.  Don't let their seemingly perfect image, money, material goods, and other flashy things distract you from the truth. 

As much as I would love to tell you that I have not encountered, lived with, been intimate with, or even sat next to violent men and women, I would be telling a lie.  I know what I am talking about and I pray, asking the Lord to continue to heal my soul, bring peace to my troubled mind when in their presence, and restore the years that the locusts ate up in Jesus name!

If you are in a relationship like this, you have spent a long time acquiescing to this man or woman.  You have walked on egg shells when he or she blows up.  You have tried to change your personality, speech, image, and whatever else you could to appease him or her.  You have tolerated his or her disrespect and made excuses for it.  You have found ways to survive in your mess.  But can I tell you, that God didn't make you to serve an evil human being.  He didn't put you on this planet to live in misery.  He made you strong-minded for good reason!  Selfish people don't want you to have a made up mind.  They want you to go along with whatever they want.  Evil people don't want their victims to get away.  They feel empowered knowing that once again they have lied, despised, abused, and used while you stay.

God is freeing so many believers in situations like this, give Him praise today!  Your breakthrough is coming:)  When freedom comes, Saints, don't grieve your old lifestyle like the Israelites did during the Exodus, rather rejoice in your new one ahead!

Nicholl McGuire 

Sunday

Regret, Repercussions, and Reward: Freedom from Predators

I felt moved to update this blog.  Inspired to share my thoughts about the abusive men and women who watch your social media pages, study you as you walk your neighborhood, work at your desk, or follow you in your car.  They are the friendly type, appearing to be harmless, but deep inside they are mean-spirited men and women with hearts that are as cold as ice.  When you least expect it, you will see their icy stare from afar.  They don't love people, they use and abuse them!

Regret

I guess I didn't see "it" coming, the pain.  Years of it.  Days of feeling like everything was okay when it really wasn't.  The mature me was angry with the naive me from long ago.  "How did you miss the signs?"  I asked myself one day.  The men I had got myself involved with in my lifetime had to sell me on even giving them the time of day.  Had I known my worth back then, they wouldn't have been given even a second look.

Repercussions

I have dedicated my life to exposing the lies, cover ups, and secrets of the manipulators, abusive...the children of darkness.  They hide behind their flattering comments on and off the Internet.  They act like they care about you, when all they want is to take anything they can get from you.  They will pursue you for years until you give in.  It doesn't matter if you, the prey, have moved on with your life complete with a partner, children, a pet, a mortgage, or in debt up to your eyeballs.  They will "help," "comfort," "love"...treat you better than the last man/woman or the one you are currently with, so they say.  I get it, it's exciting meeting new people and sure you hope that they will respect, love and care for you once you get to know them.  But oftentimes, a predator, isn't going to keep up his or her act for long!  There are repercussions for getting too close to who they are: the truth about their ugly selves!  They will feel empowered when they do things like:  withhold affection, isolate, ignore, gaslight, condemn, threaten, hit, ridicule, take for granted, and physically abuse you.  This is your punishment for not going along with their programming over days, weeks, months or even years!

Predators are unforgiving, stubborn, rude, prideful, and feel you owe them despite their abuses.  The cycle repeats itself for every time they feel vulnerable, lonely, confused, misunderstood, or have needs they rather not have fulfilled, yet sometimes they have no other choice but to rely on you which they hate.

These predators spend a lot of time on social media commenting, liking, subscribing, and pretending as if they are "good," "kind," "loving," "fun," etc.  But can I tell you, from personal experience, they are not.  They bad mouth us truth-tellers, they say we are "crazy" and we don't know what we are talking about.  They shame us to select family members and lie to those who are closest to us.  They tell us we are "mistaken, you don't know what you are talking about...you are making things up!"  Of course, liars are going to accuse others of lying.

I spent years studying abusive people closest to me before letting them go emotionally then physically.  I still have a couple more to go.  I can tell you the more you see them for who they really are, while others who don't know them so well fawn over them, the harder it is not to hate them, to damn them to hell!

Freedom

I don't know about you, who came across this blog entry, but I am tired.  I am awaiting the opportunity to be FREE of all that comes with studying abusive people!  Unfortunately, it is a requirement to observe and learn them well if you want to continue to help victims.  I rejoice knowing that this chapter of my life will soon be over, so that I can begin a new one, a chapter that is more positive, peaceful, and prosperous!  In the meantime, I encourage you to break free from the emotional bond connected to someone in your life, who hunted you down, stalked you, lied and lied some more about being a so-called "good" man or woman free to date you, buy you, help you and then later break you down! The predator is nothing more than a wolf in sheep's clothing!

Nicholl McGuire
Check out the book, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men

Monday

Abusers Teach Rebellion: Whatever You or Others Say Doesn't Matter, Only What They Say

Rebel against your mother, the teacher, the coach, law enforcement or anyone else an abuser doesn't like and you are considered one of their favorite pawns to use and abuse!  They don't like it very much when children listen to their victims especially when what they are doing is interfering with their plans.  So the brainwashing begins to sway a child or young adult son or daughter to believe that everything is wrong with the other parent and not with them!  Some of the manipulation looks like the following:

1)  Speaking ill about the ex in front of the new partner.
2)  Saying that "If it wasn't for me...your mother this...your father that...I have been there for you!"
3)  Offering service while talking about how bad the other person is for not doing.
4)  Lying about the verbal and/or physical abuse that took place in the relationship.
5)  Love bombing the children so that they never know that the abuser was really the reason why the other parent ended the relationship and/or suddenly moved away.
6)  Pretending he or she loves the spouse and/or children and only wants what is best for the "family" when he or she really uses all to do things like: give the abuser money, be honored at special events, get assistance with household chores, run errands, make phone calls, handle financial matters, etc.

Abusers like to be in control at all times and they don't appreciate others getting in the way of that.  If he typically is involved with what his family is doing, he doesn't want an in-law showing up and changing things.  He will discourage visits from family members and close friends if he notices that his family are trailing off into another direction that he isn't use to or has set for them.

An abuser will not discipline children or grandchildren for being disrespectful toward someone who isn't one's favorite or what they deem is a "disloyal" person.  They may even be instructed whether overtly or covertly to ignore what the other parent asks or demands.  When issues arise in school, so as not to look bad, the abuser will fake concern and may decide to discipline a child if his or her behavior repeatedly embarrasses or inconveniences him or her.  Otherwise, they could care less.

As much as we would like to make excuses for an abuser's behavior that had been pointed out to us as unhealthy, the truth is, it is!  There is nothing cool or righteous about teaching people to ignore, disrespect, ignore, or shame authority!  Encouraging a spouse or child to disregard someone or a company responsible for helping the family is never okay.  The consequences of doing such things will cause resources to no longer be available.  Teachers will no longer be proactive in assisting a child who might be struggling in school.  Defending rebellious behavior will only lead to more behavioral problems in the future.

When you recognize that an abuser's demands to rebel against someone or a group who is obviously not hurting but is helpful toward your family, that is not the time to withdraw from that person or group, if anything stay connected and reach out to them when you or your children need help like getting away from the abuser!

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself

Sunday

When a Partner Doesn’t Listen to Your Cry, Sons and Daughters Couldn't Care Less

Ever been frustrated when attempting to communicate your concerns to a partner?  He or she shrugs, fakes interest, or responds in a tone that brings out the worse in you.  Meanwhile, children couldn’t care less that the dispute was instigated by what they said or didn’t do. 

No one heard the instruction, caution, or anger spewing out of your voice attempting to keep something from occurring days or even weeks prior.  The day goes on.  Mom is the crazy one and everyone else is sane.

When your family doesn’t hear you, there are times where you have to be like an annoying fly until they do.  Of course, they will want to do what they can to make you go away, but persistent moms get the job done.  Whether they post reminders all over the house, call twice a day plus send texts checking in on their troubled children, or stand in the living room with a bullhorn to get everyone to stop fighting, Mom knows that some activities require undivided attention.  She may have to take children’s favorite items out of rooms in order for homework to be completed and cut off time spent with favorite relatives and friends until matters at home are addressed. 

When her relationship is begging for aid, Mom might go out of her way to change her entire appearance, cook a full spread meal, and purchase her husband’s favorite drinks just to say, “I love you!”  Her husband may be oblivious as to what is happening with her, at home and the children due to work obligations.  As crazy as some of this might sound, there just is no getting through to some people with tough personalities without some attention-grabbing action.  Now you may not be that over-the-top with getting results from your family, and the truth be told neither am I.  

I am not the type who stands on a soap box yelling at the top of my lungs while wearing a tutu, "Do you hear me?"  Yet, whatever creative or not-so creative way you come up with, the objective, Mom, is to get someone in that house to hear your cry before you do something that you might later regret!

Many mothers are killing themselves softly inside, because they refuse to voice their concerns about things like: their children’s school progress, their husband’s infidelity, the busy-body in-laws, an addiction that has crept up out of nowhere, internal pain and suffering, etc.  These so-called Super Moms believe that by “keeping the peace” and balancing everything under the sun they are doing the right thing.  However, what they are really doing is building ticking time bombs on the inside.  If only some deceased husbands and babies knew before they were placed in their graves. 

What a mother chooses to do to communicate with her stubborn family members has to be attention-grabbing, functional, within reason, and most of all out of love!  Not only are you expecting your family to hear you, but you have to be willing to hear them too.  As I have said awhile ago, a lot of mothers are leaving this world before their partners.  They are exhausted with having to work jobs that they don’t like and/or require long hours, manage households, care for children, check on relatives, catch up with friends, run errands, follow-up with doctors, take prescription medicines, plan holiday events, and much more.  They are running themselves ragged!

I shared with my children one day what I needed from them.  I repeatedly told them about chores, posted the lists where they could see them, and asked them about homework.  I reminded them of the consequences.  They have since had to learn the hard way.  I sat down with my husband on many occasions communicating my concerns about many things respectfully, angrily, and silently.  When issues aren’t addressed once again there are consequences.  

As much as you don’t want to see any of your family members suffer, there comes a point where what you are feeling inside transfers on to them simply because there is an unwillingness to change.  There is more to life then one’s personal comfort, routine, and what he or she feels is “right” to them. 

Quality families are built on trust, communication, respect, and love.  Without these things, they are destined to fail.  I told my children one day, “When I walk out this room, I trust that you are going to do what I told you…I respect you, but I don’t like your not listening…I love you but I don’t have to like what you are doing.  If your brother (or anyone) is doing something you don’t like and after you told him and he is still doing the same thing, you come tell me and I will deal with him.”  

Sons and daughters know not to keep things bottled inside, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the same thing.  Don’t be worried or fearful about irritating or angering one of your relatives because you need some cooperation from them especially if you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive!

Share your cry today with someone whether online or offline who can relate to what is bothering you.  Those closest to you need to know why you aren’t your typical happy self, and what you might need in order to get you through another day!  Don't expect an abusive partner to understand.  

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and author of When Mothers Cry and Say Goodbye to Dad.

God Can Take it All Away

Tuesday

The Joy of Knowing You are Getting Out: A Checklist Toward Freedom from a Controlling Husband

Right now it doesn't look like it.  You have been with a partner for years and have tolerated much.  From the lying to the emotional and/or physical affairs or worse beatings, you know in your mind it is time to go, but when?  "When" is not a question you rush to answer.  One's steps to end a miserable relationship are careful, calculated, and consistent.  Each step moves you closer to freedom!

Check your mind.

If you are no longer finding yourself hoping/wishing/waiting for something to change in the angry or abusive mate, you are well on your way toward independence.  If you are still caught up in a world of fantasy, you are merely hindering yourself emotionally and physically and it will continue to feel like you will never get free.

Check your heart.

Still in love or like when he or she does something nice/funny/thoughtful?  Time to put the sentimental emotions in a box and store them away in a closet or a shelf, but not in your heart.  No more letting that heart flutter when an emotionally and physically abusive partner finally decides to be good to you.  It's all smoke and mirrors and when something like a holiday passes i.e.) Valentine's Day, it's back to mean-spiritedness maybe sooner or maybe later, but evil will be back.  Protect your heart!

Check your family.

As much as they think they are helping matters by offering their unsolicited advice, service to kick your rotten partner's @ss, or barging in on your family unannounced, you won't emotionally or physically let go of the toxic relationship any faster.  Remind them of their place/role in your life and if they can't respect your wishes, go low or no contact until you are free of your abusive mate.

Check your spirit.

Those who believe in God and prayer, you know better not to worship man, but you do every time you disobey God.  He created your spirit; therefore, He knows the desires of your heart.  When we pray, we expect God to answer and when God speaks, He expects for us to listen.  It is difficult to hear Him when you are more concerned about all things related to a controlling spouse.  So get around some sisters and brothers in Christ and let them pray for you!

Check your bank account.

No more assisting the abusive person in your life with saving him money!  No calling on family and friends to assist with his needs, projects, requests, and more!  Consider this, every time you buy something for the household, save, or give him money, you stagnate your potential to: save, invest, spend, and donate the money you have earned to assist yourself FIRST!  Part of that assistance is using your hard-earned finances to MOVE!

Controlling men could care less about all of what women have done since time began to assist them, kinfolk, and household!  Wives and mothers have saved the heads of households thousands when they refused to marry or didn't want weddings, applied for rental/grocery/healthcare assistance when they didn't have jobs, stayed home with children, shopped for groceries on sale or went without, advised partners on where to get the most for their money, shopped around for cost-saving services, personally cleaned, cooked, ironed, organized, sewed, etc. for these ungrateful mates! Yet, controlling men and their ignorant relatives and friends don't bother to see any good in the victims.  These women are supposedly all-bad, deserved to be mistreated and more.  These women weren't broken and tired when they met their abusers.  However, when anyone stays in a miserable relationship long enough, that's what you become!  Therefore, you owe it to your self to continue to keep your eyes on the prize: FREEDOM from a controlling man!

Be consistent in taking each step toward your healing.  You work independently, you entertain yourself without him, you make your own friends, you have your own bank account, you save your own money, you search for your own place, you manage your own schedule (and he doesn't need to know every d@mn thing you do!) and most of all you worship your Creator without him!  Be joyful in the Lord, He is the one who knows you better than yourself and if you trust in Him, He will direct your paths!

Nicholl McGuire

When Sons and Daughters are Protective of their Mother

Thursday

On Lying: A Secret that Many Victims, Abusers Don't Want You to Know

They lie about money, where they go, who they talk to, and more.  Victims have learned to play a game of sorts on their abusers since they too are often lying.  There is no way you can stay with an abusive man or woman and not tell some lies.  They force your back up against the wall with their accusations, yelling, passive aggressive demeanor, and other ugly things they do.  So you aren't always forthcoming with the truth.  You say things to angry abusive people like, "I don't remember...I don't know what you're talking about...I didn't talk with anyone today...I don't know him...her."  Meanwhile, a victim knows full well he or she is telling yet another lie, but would you tell the truth if you knew someone had much power over you?

From controlling money to transportation, an abuser knows that in order to keep his or her partner close there has to be a long list of do's and don'ts otherwise he or she will lose the upper-hand in the relationship.  Abusive men and women also don't want their victims to realize they are being manipulated into staying with them, so they have to make them feel at ease at some point.  Even the abuser knows he or she isn't keeping a victim close if he or she is often feeling upset.  So out comes the power of persuasion with many excuses as to why abuse is acceptable.  The abuser is going to do the following to get his or her victim to behave and not bring any attention to one’s evil ways, here’s how: 

-          Convince the victim that others are at fault including the victim for the angry outburst.

-          Ask the victim to be understanding about the stressful job that is keeping one on edge.

-          Make the victim stop asking for things; it’s just too many bills to pay.

-          Tell the victim it’s his/her fault for the misbehaving or crying children.  

-          Make her/him keep the nosey or controlling parents, in-laws asking questions away.

-          Shut the victim down on all requests or demands, because the abuser has better things to do.

-          Use the substance abuse excuse—a common go-to when the abuser is out of control.

-          Quiet the busybody neighbors and don’t invite them to come over.

Photo by Nina Strehl on Unsplash
The manipulative, often angry partner goes into hiding when outsiders get close.  The key is to shake the abuser up a bit so that those who are doubtful can see him or her out of control.  Break the rules above in the presence of people who can help and watch that abuser squirm!  But don’t go back home with him or her or else you will be punished!   

When the manipulative programming works well on the victim, he or she lies to his or herself telling one that what is experienced has little to do with her overbearing partner.  She becomes a spokesperson defending his or her abuser and to be frank, the victim looks stupid doing it.  This is why the abuser calls him or her “dumb, stupid” because he or she knows exactly what is being done and so too do watchful family members and friends.  You don’t like to be belittled, then do something about it, they say!  Yet, the victim, too fearful to stand up for herself and too worried about what others think, she remains quiet and takes whatever the abuser is dishing out!

Sometimes abusers realize they are being lied to by their partners but they don't care much as long as their needs are being met.  Besides they know they are doing their share of dirt out of view of their mates.  However, the illusion for the abuser is to appear like he or she is a committed righteous man or woman, caring much about his or her family, and a great team player at work.  This kind of public brainwashing is put upon the victim to behave similarly. The victim continues to deny his or her suspicions that one’s partner is cheating, stealing and lying.  He or she hides how the abuser is truly treating her or him behind closed doors, "Everything is good.  All is okay.  The kids are fine," the lying victim says.  After comments like these are made repeatedly, the one who labors to love his or her abusive mate redirects the conversation back to the one doing the questioning.  A victim is never to reveal his or her troubled relationship no matter how long or how wrong.

There is freedom for those who break abusive programming and refuse to no longer cover up, lie, blame, or deny what is really occurring in their personal lives.  This is why so many men and women in bad relationships eventually reveal just how messed up they and partners are.  They grow weary of keeping up fronts.  They get tired of trying to make something work that keeps warning them over and over again that what once was is no more.  The lying begins to fade away and personal truths come into the forefront.

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of many books such as Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

Apartment Shopping, Leasing, Rental Tips: Helpful List of What You Don't Need the Next Time ...

On Moving....

Apartment Shopping, Leasing, Rental Tips: Helpful List of What You Don't Need the Next Time ...: What you don't need is another headache, backache, and a pending heart attack when you look at all the stuff you have to move and that m...

Thursday

Frequent Unsettling Feelings - Relationship is Headed for a Break Up, Divorce

You may have prayed a short time ago or a long time ago, "God send me the right man or woman."  So Satan sent you his best, what happened?  Sometimes we falsely assume that the person near or far is Mr. or Ms. Right.  You can be in a relationship right now wishing that someone else might save you and that person isn't the one for you and neither is the one you are with!

There is an unsettling feeling that you just can't shake about a person when you get God or Satan involved.  Satan is going to charm you into another twisted version of "forgive and forget" while you take another hit, insult, or some other offense.  God is going to use people, places and things to signal alarm bells, "Get out while you still can!"

A mixture of worry, fear, or wonder when an abuser might go off is all a victim ever thinks about.  So he or she finds ways to keep the peace until the next time.  A victim walks around trying hard to act similar to a child who is on his or her best behavior in hopes of getting some kind of reward.  "Wasn't I good today Daddy, Mommy?"  So the reward is a partner's listening ear, maybe a gift, an act of service, or a compliment.

"Goody, goody!" the victim is overjoyed to finally be back in her abusive partner's good graces.  A spouse or lover isn't a parent, but when one is still very much concerned with appeasing him or her, the victim might find his or herself going back to a child-like state of mind especially if one had been emotionally, physically or sexually abused as a child.

So the punishment shows up when a victim least expects it and the abuser feels justified in disrespecting a victim once again, what to do?  Consider the following if the victim is you:

1) Don't ignore the anger, worry or stress you feel.  Your unsettling emotions are there to push you toward safety.  They are healthy and normal emotions designed to alert you of the danger ahead.

2)  As long as you do nothing with those emotions, they worsen and begin to affect your health.

3)  Others notice you are easily irritated, scared, or difficult to be around and so they will begin to create distance from you.  Who wants to be around a nervous wreck who often talks like this:  "I don't want him to be mad...He doesn't like it when I...I'm so sorry, I really need to...or else he might...?

4)  You will experience mood swings with the abuser and may even act abusive too!  "Leave me alone!  What the...I hate it when...!  You are such a a$$h0le!"  Meanwhile, things are knocked over, children are screaming, and pets are running.

5)  They unsettling feeling will gradually go away once you have found a safe and peaceful setting free of the abuser's emotional and/or physical abuse.

Say a new prayer, not one about the relationship or a new partner, but one of solace, safety and a plan for a better future!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, Laboring to Love Myself, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.  

Monday

Emotionless, Secretive and Dishonest - A Different Kind of Abuser

On this blog we discussed the emotional abuser, he or she is uncaring about one's partner's feelings.  However, I will share a bit more about the type of cold-blooded individual who has all three traits: emotionless, secretive and dishonest.

You don't suspect this person to be this way when you first start getting to know him or her.  You overlook him or her being stiff or a bore at first because your date is seemingly interested in getting to know you.  However once the thrill is gone, so too is the personality!

What you might respond or react to almost consistently the emotionless has no response unless you try to coax a conversation such as: "What do you think?  How do you feel about that?"  Any "normal" person would have at least a comment or a chuckle.  There is nothing coming from this person, you walk away and scratch your head.

There is a mystery, something magical, at least so you thought at first about the emotionless person, who you now dismiss, as "She's just being herself...He isn't into people, I guess it's okay."  But is it?  Now there is something else you notice, not much on talking about one's self. Hmm.  "Maybe there isn't anything interesting going on," you reason.  Yet, there are devices that have windows open but when you come around, they are closed.  Cell phone ringers are off when in your presence.  Excuses are made as to why you once had access to certain things, but now no more. Hmm.

While you act as if the coldness of your partner doesn't bother you, the privacy settings are on everything including one's mouth, now enter into the relationship, dishonesty.  You can't seem to get an honest answer about things like: feelings, family, job, past relationships, finance, children, education, hobbies, political and religious thoughts, marital status, sexual orientation... nothing!  Distrust sets in.  You are accused of being a trouble-maker for asking questions and "you don't trust me..."  Why should you?

The relationship was set up to fail from the start.  Callous people don't genuinely consider other people's feelings, they pretend.  When the cold-hearted suspect you know who they really are and what they are up to, they become even more secretive and closed-off from honest communication.  The lies drip off lips like a Saint Bernard dog's slobber on a cold winter day!

The power and control shows up in full force when confronted.  Fed up, you state how you feel, the callous reverses the allegations and accuses you while covering up what is really going on inside.  Cold people don't want to feel.  They think something is wrong with people who have emotions. 

What's abusive about an emotionless human being?  They lie about wanting/needing/loving people.  Rather than nurture a caterpillar into a butterfly, they crush it, because some time in their lives they were crushed.  These abusers are considered emotionally abusive.  They aren't physically wounding you, although you can become ill fighting with them, but their silence emotionally drains you.

Ways you take back control of your emotions from an emotionless person while bettering your life:

1)  No more seeking approval from the callous lover/spouse/mate.  

2)  No more encouraging this person to converse with you, children or anyone else.

3)  No more buying attention, love, friendship, or whatever else you seek.

4)  No more hoping/wishing/waiting for them to return to that date you once knew. It ain't happening!

5)  No more planning a future together including: having more children, renewing vows, buying property together, etc.

6) Get a life!  Chances are for a long time your world revolved around someone you are incompatible with, now you will enjoy the kind of life that uplifts you mentally, physically and spiritually.

7)  No more praying for this person more than you pray for yourself!  In time, you won't be focused on what God can do for that person, but rather what God can do for you!!!

Most of all, you will find that you no longer care about who the individual is talking to, where he or she is going, and whether he or she is being straightforward with you--who cares?  When you are busy with your life, if anything, you wish that person well without you!

Envision yourself without the worry of someone being unresponsive to your conversation, needs and desire for intimacy.  Imagine what it would be like to have a transparent and honest friend!

The future is yours, embrace it!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and the owner of this blog. 

Tuesday

A New You Won't Take Emotional and Physical Abuse - Say Goodbye to Pain, Hello to Healing

So it's a new year, now what?  Do you begin your life anew working toward getting out of a toxic relationship?  Most victims, they don't.  They prefer to make excuses as to why they should stay.  Do you seek counsel on how to end the relationship?  Most victims, they keep everything they are going through bottled inside.  But survivors, they do less talking and more walking!  They believe they are going to get out and then they do.  Whether they are walking upright when they leave or on a stretcher, they are out!

Victims hate on survivors.  They are jealous even angry.  They want to get out, but that is about all they do "want."  But want has to be backed up with action.  If being jealous of those who are free is motivation, then one should use that to create the peaceful environment you always wanted without emotional and physical abuse.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash
Just imagine for a moment...no one calling you names, acting threatening, accusing you of anything, hitting, staring at you like your crazy, muttering curse words about you, cheating on you emotionally and/or physically, carrying your personal information to others, acting ugly with you yet nice with others...a heaven on earth!  Yep, that can be yours!  Are you ready?

The more you envision your personal peace on earth, the more it is attainable.  You define it and you make it happen!  Doctors, counselors, teachers, relatives, and friends can only do so much to encourage you, you have to be willing to do something!  You have to love yourself and your freedom more than you will ever love that abusive partner.

I recall the day I made up in my mind I was letting go of some toxic people in my life.  I felt so much peace.  The burdens began to uplift.  I began to take action.  I talked to them less and less.  I packed up bags and boxes.  I found freedom mentally before it came physically.  I trusted God.  Are you willing to lay down your burdens and seek solace?

I am excited about the new year, because there are more changes ahead.  I owe it to myself to be my best self with or without the people currently in my life.  I can tell you from personal experience God can move the old out and replace those jokers with new people who love, like and care for you honestly!

If that is what you want, then get the resources you need!  It's time to tell some folks to kick rocks!

Excited about your future and mine, happy new year!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men as well as the blog owner.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.