Thursday

Fighting for a Relationship that is Sure to End

The signs are evident!  Either agree to go along with the abuser's lies, emotional/physical cheating, anger outbursts, threats, and more or suffer the consequences.  So many people in toxic relationships tolerate much while deceiving themselves and others with statements like, "I don't put up with his stuff...I don't play that!  I am strong...he doesn't get away with anything.  She knows better or else!" Sure.  Then a spouse or partner does another thing and another, kiss and make up, put on a good act and he or she is back in a victim's bank account, bed and anywhere else that he or she wants to be in getting selfish needs met.

Victims put on a tough act, but they are weak to the sweet talk, promises, and cheap gifts--tis the season.  They dismiss thoughts that, "He could have treated me better...bought something nicer...apologized."  However, a victim desperate for a bit of harmony will take almost anything from an abuser if it is nothing but a half-hearted smile.

Buying yet more things to make an angry spouse or partner happy once again, when will the victimized ever learn?  Performing nice deeds to appease a broken heart, the victim is hell-bent on saving something that is going to end sooner or later.  "Might as well have a good time before the story ends, right?"  she or he reasons.  You are going to need your money for the grand finale--the final act.  The day that the abuser does the unthinkable.  For some victims, you know it's coming. With each argument, an emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman is becoming increasingly more aggressive and vicious with his or her words.  You might also be getting meaner and having more courage to fight too.

Victims find themselves mentally unstable, unhappy and insecure in these miserable relationships while being covetous of others' connections.  Fault-finding and being meddlesome in others' affairs while  assuming the worse in family and friends' partnerships, there really is no comparison between the victim's bad relationship and others.  Most people are not hooked up with defensive, overly sensitive and even crazy partners who hit, kick, curse, cheat, lie, name-call, threaten, yell and more. As much as victims want to compare their plights to everyone else's unions, the truth is even if a story sounds familiar--the details are not nearly as disturbing as the victim's relationship.  He or she is often reaching when looking for a bit of information to make them feel better about their poor choice in a partner.

With the honeymoon period here and the illusions and delusions masking over a turbulent relationship, the victim is still holding on.  There are no rewards for foolish decision-making just more pain ahead.

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

On the Way Home - No Longer Wanting to Live There

No Communicating Concerns with an Abuser - Not Hearing of It

Talk about an abuser's lying, cheating, stealing, drinking, hiding, or hanging out with friends and you just might be starting a verbal or physical war!  Delusional people will never admit to their problems or seek help.  They are defensive and ready to attack.  Get to close, talk too long, or act in any way that is perceived to be threatening and the violent man or woman will reason in his or her mind, "Time to fight."

Living with someone who is hot-tempered is highly stressful, unsafe, and will most likely provoke you to do the unthinkable.  Abusive men and women are typically selfish and unless you enable their toxic habits and behaviors, they are not going to be too accepting of you.  The world revolves around them.  They rarely do anything that doesn't include themselves.  Their intentions are usually selfish.  Whatever they want, they get whether using kind words or acting evilly.  Victims who are fearful of their abusers will meet their demands by any means necessary even if it means facing jail time.

The day that one believes that having a conversation about an abuser's behavior just might help the relationship is the day that one should also expect a fight.  Abusers don't want to ever hear anything that sounds even a little bit like a criticism, blame or holding them accountable to something.  That is why the "I feel" conversations fall on deaf ears.  Communicating one's concerns works well with a functional human being, but not a dysfunctional one.

The best solution for any one who is in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship is and will always be to prepare an exit plan.  Staying will only cause more turmoil because the abuser is simply unwilling to cooperate.

Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

Abuse Might Go Into Hiding for the Holidays

Family and friends most likely will be wanting to see loved ones around the holidays.  Abusers will be sure to talk with victims on what is to be said and not said at a holiday event to relatives and whether or not they will even be permitted to leave the house. 

For some mean-spirited men and women they will look for plenty of reasons for their spouses and partners not to see or talk to kinfolk like picking a fight prior to attending a family celebration.  Since this is impossible with some victims to avoid family, they will attempt to put on a good act and so too will their abusive partners. 

Families must be discerning and pay close attention to abusive behaviors and address issues.  However, take care that the victim and possibly children are safe before confronting an abuser.  Keep in mind a victim will most likely want to return home with his or her partner after a holiday event and depending on how things goes with the family will determine whether or not the abuser harms his or her mate behind closed doors. 

Remember the holidays aren't cheerful and heart-warming for all.  They can be quite stressful!  So if a victim doesn't want to attend a family event, be understanding, not pushy.  A victim suffers enough emotional trauma and physical pain prior to, during or after a major holiday.  Mix alcohol or drugs into a heated discussion and you never know what personality will show up and show out with an abusive man or woman.

Nicholl McGuire

Victims pray and read Psalm 91.  Stay sober!

Saturday

Laboring to Love Someone Who Doesn't Love, Care About You

Selfish, bitter, arrogant, and angry, a partner that doesn't care much about you.  Too much arguing, ignoring, and being spiteful, two people co-exist in a dwelling.  He passes her by and she does the same.  There's only one problem, the victim still has feelings for the abuser.

What does it feel like when one works to love someone who doesn't love in return?  It is lonely, depressing, irritating, and a constant hope that things might change, but they don't.

She loves him and wants what is best for him, but he is annoyed with her reaching out to him.  He believes that there is still a chance the relationship might rebound, but things appear to be getting worse after every dispute.

One labors and labors until either the individual makes up in his or her mind to break up, separate, or pay the other back for all the pain and suffering while still remaining in an unhealthy relationship.  The cycle of thoughts go round and round as challenges rise and then when things tend to be okay, the negativity dissipates for awhile until the next myriad of trying times.

The person who doesn't like, love, care, etc. anymore feels trapped because he or she doesn't know when to leave, it's as if the abuser is looking for a good excuse to end the relationship for good--an opportunity to blame the victim for everything that went wrong before exiting or pushing one's partner to a breaking point.

Abusive men and women deep within are really cowardly and lazy.  They know they should be alone, but don't like it and refuse to admit that something is mentally wrong with them.  So they hide their crazy-making stuff by performing nice acts.  The last thing they want is people on the outside knowing just how messed up they are.

Victims don't want to believe that what they envisioned was a good relationship months or years back was a facade, an illusion...it wasn't real.  The events were manufactured made to look like they were something more than what they really were.  Some abusers are good actors.  They can persuade their victims into a deep love affair, and then drop their fronts once they know they have them completely.

Too often couples rush head long into relationships only to learn of some troubling things about their partners.  Hoping to fix them, they work and work to make them happy while abandoning their own happiness.  Abusive people feed off of those who are the good Samaritan type, the innocent, broken-hearted, feeble, handicap, unintelligent and others they deem to be beneath them.  They pity their victims for a time.  They learn enough about their targets to hoodwink them into a false image of them, false beliefs they are loved, and false messages of a better future.  The promises come showering forth with actions that look more like their dreams are being fulfilled while the victims wishes whether big or small have evaporated like smoke.  One's needs were never truly considered.

Spend your money to make one love.  Agree with promises that things will get better--believe the lies.  Work harder than most on a relationship with someone who would never think of doing as much for you when you are down.  Keep feeding the abuser and he or she becomes empowered and you don't.

So many people exit this world unhappy.  Others suffer with illnesses having much regret that they made poor relationship decisions.  You know your truth, be encouraged knowing that you can live a better life than the one you are currently in.  Tis the season to be jolly, you deserve to be jolly!

Nicholl McGuire
Blog Owner and Author of She's Crazy

Sunday

Too Much Pain - Enough is Enough - Snapped Out

How long do you keep standing by watching a parent be abused?  How much more can you take in an abusive relationship?  Someone is going to snap!  A person or the family will lose it one day.  Then what?  The enablers will want to defend their beloved, abusive family member.

"I don't know why they killed him, my brother was good to them."

"I don't believe my sister was violent.  She was always so nice when I visited the family home."

"I can't think for the life of me why she did it, why did she hurt my son like that!"

They claim to not know anything.  These family members in denial falsely believe that a son, brother, daughter, or sister "would never," "couldn't have" and "he/she was just a good husband, father..."  The abused didn't deserve death.  Although they are justified in feeling like a beloved relative shouldn't have been viciously abused or murdered, running away from the truth that the person had no part in being abusive is na├»ve and ignorant.

People wear many sides to their personalities.  One for work, another for church, then another when around extended family members, and then add one for friends, and then one more for strangers on the street.  The reality is oftentimes people with a lot going on with them have a personality disorder/mental illness, and unresolved past issues from childhood.  Now what do you think you will get?  A person with a light and dark side -- one with layers of faces and abusive tactics when he or she feels powerless and out of control.

Believe that a family member is capable of abusing one's partner and children.  Believe that a beloved relative could mistreat a pet.  Believe that all people are capable of doing things that would blow your mind no matter their title, what they have, and how "nice" they are!  Know that an abuser or a victim can come to a point in their intimate relationships that they lose it and not realize they are so far gone mentally in a crazy-making household that they snap!

The pain of being used and abused over and over again with yet another honeymoon period and another can be too much to bear on one's mind.  Today a batterer says or acts like he hates his wife and children, tomorrow he says he loves them.  Today he promises not to emotionally and/or physically abuse relatives (sometimes the issues carry outside the home--watch for signs), but then in a few days he is back to doing it again with drink and drugs in his system.  She says she isn't crazy, but all her mannerisms say that she is.  A turbulent household can make one or more people living there go mad!  If you were a child witnessing all of the turmoil, walking on egg shells, listening to abusive parents say mean things to one another, you just might have a moment or two where you think some dark things, but just because you rose above your negative thoughts, doesn't mean that someone else staying with you will.

Enough is enough, the abused is looking for justice.  Maybe God isn't answering prayers right now.  Maybe family members and friends are not listening, too busy defending the abuser.  Maybe the person is snapping or the mind is on the way out.  Talk to the person who is having more than a bad day.  Look at yourself in the mirror, are you going through much and need someone to talk you  out of doing something drastic? 

"Don't do it, it's not worth it."

"Think of your career, family...you can rise above this!"

"You want to be free, feel safe, you can do it without destroying the abuser."

"You are better than him. You have a life!  Things will get better once you exit the relationship."

"Think, no more worrying over what he says, does.  No more chasing after a broken dream.  Your child/children won't ever have to hear your screams, curses with him again.  Don't you want to see them happy?" 

If you are the one answering the phone one day from a victim, understand that isn't the time to talk about what you think you know about a relative or what you haven't seen or heard or encourage them to stay somewhere that is volatile.  Just because the batterer was never abusive in front of you or the victim never breathed a word about fighting going on in the home, doesn't mean that someone or a group wasn't being abused behind closed doors.  Even if it happened years back or currently, the scene still might play out in the victim's mind.  Things like abuse don't easily go away.

Now if you are the victim, it is never too late to end this madness before you or someone in your household does the unthinkable.  Make this week the time you plan your exit.  Contact your local domestic violence hotline or community group and receive some guidance.  Leaving a relationship after the holidays just might be too late.

Nicholl McGuire
Blog Owner and Author of She's Crazy and many other books.

Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Monday

This is Too Much - Crazy-making Spouse, Partner

"You didn't do this right.  You spend too much money.  You act like a fool.  You aren't good enough!"  the self-important abusive partner says to the victim. 

A crazy-making, perfectionist type of partner is too much to contend with!  But you stick it out anyway or maybe you aren't the one in the situation, but someone you know is.  No matter what the victim says or does the partner has a comment, a question, a concern, a curse word, or worse a fist!  The abusive man or woman blames everyone but his or herself for everything!

When in a difficult relationship like this you or that person that you know is simply surviving each day by looking on the bright side of things even when some days there are no good moments.  The victim is allowing occasional love-making, a gift, a compliment, or some outside distractions to keep his or herself from cracking up inside.  So when the person is not ready to leave the dysfunctional relationship, the individual just copes.

You or a loved one is just passing time away with a mean-spirited partner/spouse.  Hoping, wishing, and waiting for good times to finally last, but they don't.  There is always another day, another time that the abusive individual is going to let you down.  Your hopes are high than low again, high than low. 

You have seen the emotionally and physically abusive movie in your life all before whether with you or someone else.  And how did that ending turn out?  You might have heard the cries, lies, and sighs and wondered, "When on earth will the drama die?  I just want to see her/him happy!"  But after awhile happiness is a foreign word in a miserable relationship.  Being in a crazy-making relationship is like a hang-over that never seems to go away until you take something that works.  In the case of a bad connection with a troubled individual one has to disconnect once and for all in order to feel well again.

Whether you are on the outside looking in or a part of the crazy-making actions most likely you cried out, "This is too much! I can't take this! This person is driving me crazy!"  You always have a choice, stay or go even if you are just the friend watching from a distance.  You don't have to stick around and go crazy with the couple too! 

Check out the books on this site, pick the one that applies to you or an abused relative or friend.  Emotionally and physically withdrawing from a mistake from one's past is a process, it takes time, but it can be done!

Nicholl McGuire

Face Your Foe: Why the Narcissist picked you

Face Your Foe: Why the Narcissist picked you - Ever wonder why someone who you know is highly conceited, self-absorbed, or selfish would bother picking you who is giving, spiritual, and loving?

Tuesday

As if the Relationship Wasn't Complicated Enough...

 
Now she's pregnant. 
Do you really believe things will get better?
 
Love from a distance.
  
Learn how you can be in your child's life without having to live with her.
The fussing, fighting, and other stresses do nothing more than further complicate matters.
She was out of her mind prior to pregnancy, during and after.
 
She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
 

Monday

Attention Men - Broken Women, Party Girls - Abusive, Angry

Tired of the arguments, physical fights, mood swings, and more?  She is a broken woman or a party girl.  You think you can save her?  Men Don't Pity Broken Women, Party Girls

Tuesday

Visiting The Emotionally Abusive Partner's Family - Why Bother?

It is about an image of perfection--appearing like all is well when it really isn't.  I get it.  I did it. You smile.  His relatives ask, "How's things?  You look good.  Glad to see you!  You both look so good together!"  If only they knew.  I saw this happen more than enough times in my life with different men (sigh).

They don't have a clue what you went through the night before or weeks prior.  Their beloved son or daughter acting like a complete fool!  Screaming, hurling insults, acting threatening...you contemplated on calling the police.  "What has gotten into this crazy S.O.B.!" you think.  Your emotionally abusive partner may have thought the same about you too.

Difficult people will tempt you to do some things that you thought you would never do.  They are hateful at times and harmful to themselves and others.  Sometimes it is a mental disturbance that drives them mad and other times its them feeling powerless.  Abusive men and women thrive on power and when they feel they have none, that is when they go on attack.  If they feel like they are being controlled, they will also launch a verbal war.  "You don't tell me what to do...Who do you think you are?  You are lucky you are still alive today!  You miserable little..."  You know how mean-spirited they can be.  You know how you are too.

Yet, at a family function, all is calm right?  You might detect a little of the beast showing up if you should say or do something that a partner feels is offensive.  You will hear about it after the show.  Parents and grandparents don't want to hear anything negative.  It is the holiday season and everyone is supposed to behave themselves. Put on the illusion that you have the best relationship ever even if you know differently.  But why?  Why spend your hard-earned money to act?  Why behave like you are in love when you really are not?  Why allow fear of a partner to make you go somewhere that you really don't want to be?

Until you are weary of the act, you will continue to put on the grand performance year after year.  Each holiday season will challenge you to hold back tears, put away fears (at least temporarily) and behave yourself.  It doesn't matter that your emotional abuser cursed at you like you were a stranger on the street.  Threw something at you like he or she never wanted to see you again in life.  The family mustn't know.  Chances are they already suspect you aren't happy, but they choose to ignore your sad eyes and what your child or children may have already confided in them about your turbulent relationship.  On with the show, shall we?

Nicholl McGuire

Friday

Why God? Cold, Uncaring Partners

You learn from the best of them growing up.  You know how to get along with some of the most vicious people, both male and female, because you were trained by them.  But little do you know later in life that you just might end up in a relationship with someone who reminds you of the same people you grew up with or even yourself. 

You don't consider yourself to be mean, cold, and hot-tempered like the one you attracted, but spend enough time with him or her, and they will test you in ways you thought you could never be tested!

I realized my mistakes a long time ago, but I honestly hoped for the best over and over and over again with each man I dated.  I put off my guarded self, and was deceived into believing the lies of charming men.  The socially sweet and privately cruel ones I talk about in my non-fiction book.  I don't beat around the bush in that guide designed to strengthen women and cause them to be more discerning about all men. 

We have got to do better parents/teachers/counselors/ministers in instructing the younger ones about the kind of men who are out there that don't look mean, but are, that don't act rudely, but are deadly!  No sugar-coating, no covering up who their fathers/uncles/cousins and others really are underneath all their niceties...the cold and uncaring men are among us!  They don't like women as much as they pretend, they use them.  Watch how the cold-bloodied behave around men just like themselves.  These angry men are uncomfortable around their own kind.  It takes one to know one.  They are careful letting people like themselves around their families.

Why God, do we contend with the demons that are within and around these men?  Why not take them all away?  I shudder to know that sometimes being with someone who is cold and uncaring is the only way some women will come to know God.  I'm a witness.

Get the book and send it to someone you care about or read it for yourself!  Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men

Nicholl

Sunday

A Number of Men Have Been Abused by Women and They Will Never Tell

He doesn't want to admit that his partner is mean and violent, but the scars on his heart and body reveal otherwise. Husbands, fathers, uncles, and other men are frequently being mistreated by wives and girlfriends and no one has a clue, because they say nothing. These battered men know that society isn't always empathetic about males being hurt by women. In the book, She's Crazy written by Nicholl McGuire, the author who survived emotional abuse and domestic violence shares intimate knowledge about abusive women. She tells of disturbing personal observations and advises men on what to look out for when dealing with "Ms. Crazy."

According to a 2010 study conducted by the Centers of Disease Control and the Department of Justice on battered men, there have been well-over five million men who have been abused by women. Although these abused men are recorded, there are many who never report incidents with wives, girlfriends and mothers due to personal shame and revenge. A victim of domestic violence for years, one man commented when asked why he never said anything about his wife being abusive, "I felt ashamed...embarrassed." The author says, "A once stable woman doesn't just become crazy, she has to be driven insane. Whatever it was or who that moved her to lose her mind (usually prior to meeting her partner) is most likely what continues to trigger her emotional instability." She goes on, "So a partner's issues might contribute indirectly to her mad world without him realizing it. Some men don't fully comprehend what is happening in their intimate relationships, while others do, but they eventually become drained of fighting with ill partners."

McGuire, a wife and mother of four, shares, "Abused men start looking for healthy or unhealthy ways to get out of their mess." She adds, "This is why I provided tips in She's Crazy to help these men escape from their mentally and physically binding relationships. Yet, they can't get totally free until they look at what they might be doing to attract wild females in the first place."

McGuire's informative self-help guide for battered men is available on Smashwords.com. The author has also penned other nonfiction books including: Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Say Goodbye to Dad, Laboring to Love Myself, When Mothers Cry and more.

Obsession with Power and Control - Controlling People


Sunday

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire - excerpt observation on abusive women, abused men

I met some seemingly sweet, knockout gorgeous women, but they were dangerous--if only their boyfriends knew how they truly felt about men, I would sometimes think. But time reveals truth and those men would find those ladies out during explosive disputes. I didn't have any intimate relationships with those women. A few were single lesbians and a bi-sexual woman. I had been a supporter of various feminist movements as well as other heterosexuals that I knew. Yet, some of the radical feminists' foolish and bias thinking about men rubbed off on me during my youth and I almost went to jail listening to some of their talk about what they "wouldn't take off a man" and how they "would hurt a man about this or that if they ever..." I had no clue just how mean these women were. Why were they so angry with men? What happened during their childhoods? Why weren't they able to maintain decent relationships with men? I knew some of the guys these ladies befriended. The women always claimed the men were at fault, but never them.  

Over the years, some good and bad guys, who quite frankly didn't want to put their business out in the street, shared their abusive experiences with me privately and others openly on a variety of online pages where my work has appeared. Some of these abused men were driven into dark mindsets concerning wicked women having put up with them for so long. Good became evil and evil became good in their eyes. They defended their abusers, but also talked badly about them. They wanted to leave their lovers, but yet they stayed. They believed they were loved, but often hated by their crazed women. Meanwhile abusers, who had been hurt by their men long ago and some to date, reached a point in their minds where all they could think of was the following: where their men would go when they weren't around, who were they seeing, when would they be back home, what they planned on doing with their own money, whether they would be helping them out with their household tasks, and more. Some of these abusive women acted more like pimps then wives and girlfriends!

I noticed how a number of women grew obsessed with their men and treated them more like gods than mere mortals, but didn't mind hurting them if they crossed them. Like controlling, abusive men, these controlling, abused women didn't let partners go anywhere but to work without them. I also met lots of decent guys online and off who didn't do too much but love and care for their wives and girlfriends, but admitted that sometimes they acted a bit lazy, didn't always communicate well to partners, and had their share of personal issues. But for the most part, these depressed men felt they didn't do anything so bad that their angry women should feel the need to kick, slap, bite, claw, curse them out, or do other things to them like ruin credit or create false police reports. I agreed. --

Nicholl McGuire
She's Crazy, get the book today!

People-Pleaser, Bad Relationship and Childhood Abuse 1 of 2

Friday

Weekends Bring Drama in Miserable Relationships

In a turbulent relationship weekends aren't anything to look forward to for victims. "Happy Friday!" one might tell a hurting co-worker. It isn't really all that happy, one must go home. All a happy wish means to the one in an abusive relationship is the individual must do his or her best not to say or do anything that might upset a partner over the weekend.  Since many hours are spent at home on weekends supposedly relaxing from a long work week, it isn't always like this for those partnered with abusive people.  More hours together, just mean more chances for drama between two highly sensitive people.

Each moment that passes, he or she is walking softly, hoping and praying a partner doesn't take whatever is on his or her mind and beat the victim with it. Easier said and done being respectful, kind, loving, etc. When in a relationship with someone with a mental illness, going through a challenging time, or often influenced by toxic relatives or friends, you never know who or what might come out of a partner. The eyes go from peaceful to hateful in an instant. A soft voice becomes increasingly loud. The dog knows to hide. Children remain in rooms quiet. Here we go again... If you or someone you know lives like this, say a prayer.

Ask your heavenly Father to intervene this weekend. Allow his angels to come down and work on you and your family's behalf. All the while, start thinking of a plan of escape if you are a victim. The kind of exit strategy that will provide you with peace, better opportunity, safety, and most of all FREEDOM! Reach out to a supportive network at the church, hospital, school or online.

This day my heart goes out to those who never made it to the door to get out of abusive relationships as well as their families who miss the victims so much! May the deceased rest in peace and may their families find the strength to go on.

Nicholl McGuire, check out a channel that brings awareness to many emotionally and physically binding people and situations as well as provides tips on beginning the journey toward spiritual connectedness to the one true God. YouTube NM Enterprise7

Friday

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: Victim Working Up the Nerve to Leave, Unsuccessful

There is no warning, argument, or fight just before a partner leaves. An emotionally and/or physically abused individual need not do anything more than exit a miserable relationship. What does talking over details solve? What does bringing up every hurtful thing the abusive partner has ever said or done to you really do for your spirit?

There is peace just outside the door. I recall pondering a long time on whether to leave my abusive boyfriend's apartment. I looked over my things that sat on one side of the room, a word processor, clothing, dress shoes, a couple bags and assorted belongings that were better left at my parent's home. There was enough of my stuff I left over between overnight stays to fill the backseat of a car.

All I had to do was just call someone to pick me up, put my things in his/her vehicle and be on my way to FREEDOM!!!  But I didn't--those stupid thoughts showed up. The same ones that for so long convinced me that he would change, that things would get better, he loved me, etc.

My abuser made me feel like there was a chance that we just might one day live at peace with one another. I looked at his things: freshly polished shoes neatly arranged in one corner, a mirror attached to a horizontal, brown dresser with his belongings carefully placed on top as if they were telling me, "Don't touch them."  His beloved black television that became an escape for me when I just couldn't understand why he felt the need to treat me so meanly on some days.

I liked very much that he was gone off to work,  I got a chance to think. What could "we" do to make things better? What did "we" truly want from one another? I was still allowing my mind to say, "We." There was no "we" anything!  Most decisions I made, things I did, and other life events revolved around him!!! I was soooo tempted to pack, to leave my trouble behind, but I didn't.

I stared at the door, it was calling my name. I even walked over, opened it and looked out into the hallway.  From the top of the stairs, looking down there was the main door--my exit.  But I grew fearful, turned around and went back into the room, closed and locked the door.  I remained in the room for hours, the place where we argued much. In that room, he shoved, tripped, and took a pillow over my face...he played with me like a doll when he was in the mood, I let him even when in pain and tears in my eyes, I let him.  In some twisted way, I strangely felt safe in that room. He wasn't there, but he would be back. The thought scared me, he was coming back home.

I adjusted my thinking once again to something positive--the hope that things had got to get better--maybe if I buy...maybe if we go...I don't want anyone else to have him...what if he connects with another woman...is he cheating one me?  I was lost in my mind. I really didn't know what to think anymore.

An exit seemed easy, but I just couldn't manage to get myself to do anything.  Turn on TV. 

What would it take for me to leave? I had a choice in that moment to leave quietly or to leave loudly.

They reject God - People Annoyed, Upset - Unspiritual

Saturday

Financial Abuse = Domestic Violence

A Heartbroken Halle Berry Sheds Light On Her Violent Past

Could Your Wife, Husband or Lover be a Psychopath?

Privately Abusive - excerpt from Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire

Say something to the public charmer that sounds critical and then it won't be long before his evil twin the private abuser shows up. The charmer's smile fades away as quick as it came; in its place now reveals an evil scowl. Say too much and things just might get physical. He is more cautious around males then females who know him well, because he doesn't want to have to go toe to toe with another man if he can help it. Mr. Abuser knows better to exercise a bit of self-control when he knows he could lose everything messing with the wrong person. Dr. Phil says, "There are no victims, only volunteers." Don't go along to get along. Peace at any price is no peace at all.

On Dating or Marrying a Loser

Do women recognize the kind of men they are with and do they listen closely to what their partners are saying and not saying especially during those first meetings? The evidence is there. From the way a man stands to the take charge attitude he has and all the quirky stuff he does in between, rather than dismiss what one sees, feels, hears, smells, and tastes, consider your senses are mere warnings of pending dangers. Your discernment doesn't stop after engagement and marriage. People change and what they were yesterday isn't necessarily who or what they are today. When a man tells you, "I don't know what that smell is..." yet you distinctively smell a fragrance of a woman, know that there is more to the story. If he should explain, "I don't know what you saw," yet you know that he is hiding something. Don't go along with his game, investigate. "You are crazy, I wasn't with a woman," he says. But let's say you heard a familiar woman's voice in the background when you called; however he claimed to be out with the boys. He tells you, "Why you always thinking I'm with another woman?" yet you know he is lying once again. Stick to what you know to be true. Manipulative charmers will attempt to persuade you not to trust your instincts every time! When a woman gets tired of listening to a liar's stories, checking up on him, arguing, fighting, and doing other things that keep her stressed, she will come to a point when she will know for sure whether or not she wants to stop getting on that merry-go-round of a relationship. However, some women never get off until death and prior to that time they are so broken physically and emotionally from the batterers that they just don't feel like they ever had a good life.

Behind Closed Doors

So who are these public charmers/private abusers really? Let's take a moment to look at their mindsets. If someone does something a controlling man doesn't like, he may not say one word to him in public. However, when left alone to think about the day's offenses, this is when the public charmer will turn into the private abuser. All in the home just might catch hell. If witnesses catch wind that the victim(s) was berated or worse physically assaulted, the first thing that tends to come out of their mouths is, "What did you do wrong?" It isn't about what you did that angered the private abuser, the question is, "What could be going on inside of that man's mind?" 

Many of these hurting men have past issues that they didn't bother to address. Victims believe that they can save these men by loving them and being servants to them. Love and service just isn't enough!


Sunday

Abuse - You Accept It, Continues to Happen

As long as the woman who doesn't want her abusive man to get away remains in a relationship with him, she will be abused.

As long as the man who thinks he can't attract anyone but mean-spirited women continues to settle, he will be used.

It's a belief, whether accurate or not, that keeps the abused with the abusive.  You can make excuses all you want, but the truth is your personal thoughts about someone is what keeps you bound to them.  We know the truth about our partners and we all have reasons for why we stay and why we leave and never return. 

When the thought came to me that I could never be happy with my abuser, I let him go.  When I came to the realization that an ex was no longer going to be faithful to me, I made arrangements to leave.  When I watched my relatives behave badly with one another and then noticed how they acted toward me and didn't like what I was seeing, I made arrangements not to be around them anymore.

How long does it take for someone to come to the realization that a relationship is no longer beneficial for them?  Well depending on the length of time they have been with that person and what they are receiving or not receiving from the partnership, it can be a long time.

There will always be someone or a group that cares far more for us than partners ever will.  The opportunity to exit a bad relationship is always there, but it is up to the one who is in pain to leave it.  There is no time limit on when to leave, you just leave or cut off folks when you have reached the point of no more excuse-making or relying on others.  You just do it!

If one continues to accept being used and abused by others while providing no consequences for repeated violations, abusers will feel that it is okay to keep acting disrespectfully.

Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

The Evil that People Do...

It all starts...
with a look.
An accusation.
A threat.
Telling you that what you see/feel/hear is incorrect.

Looking for others to support them on their lies, they act as if they are something special, a good person.
Sharing with family and friends that you are the crazy one, meanwhile they are the ones with the mental illness.
Blaming exes, employers, and even their own children for everything that is "wrong, bad."

They make excuses for why they do what they do and might even cry and show a bit of empathy.
They cover up, lie and isolate victims so that no one will catch wind of the truth.

They plan to pay back for pre-conceived wrong-doing, for exposing vulnerabilities, for wanting to get away from them.

They come up with clever schemes, pretending to be righteous and honest while lying even to God.

They say, "You aren't going anywhere...you need me...I love you...I still want you...I will change."

But they don't....
They don't
They don't.

Nicholl McGuire author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy and other books.


Tuesday

A Rant on Attracting the Narcissist Spouse, Partner, Believer

"How do you "Avoid such men as these" when they literally lied to you to get you to fall for them.  They have a "false self" that they present to you...love-bomb you from the start.  You think you hit the jackpot and your life with them will be one of chasing after the Lord together and living for Him.  And after you're hooked (married) they deny any of your needs or dreams or your calling even. 

Something as simple as asking for a conversation, his time, a date night, setting goals for your future together is met with "What is wrong with you.  You need help."  So you lower your standards to keep peace and they set the bar higher for what you should be doing for them.  Everything causes narcissistic injury and you find yourself being belittled, demeaned, ignored, denied.  Even your FEELINGS are just wrong, wrong, wrong.  They control and manipulate your time and energies.  It all must be focused on their needs and their interests.  And when you are beaten down enough, they treat you as if you are disposable. 

When they say "You should be grateful I don't beat you."  "Leave me...no one will think any less of ME if you go."  They blame every bad thing on you and take all the credit for all the good in your life.  Even stealing the revelations you receive from the Word and sharing them as though they are their own.  They tell you after every abuse that you are to forgive them 70 X 7 and that you have no idea what unconditional love is because you are struggling to feel anything for them after a while. 

They tell you "The woman is made for the man, NOT the other way around."  It is evil to the core.  And then they play the victim.  And they expect YOU to apologize to them and jump back in bed with a smile on your face.  How do you "Avoid such men" when (you) are married (to) him?" -- Comment made by Youtuber on NM Enterprise7

Monday

Another Season of Drunkeness, Drug Use - More Issues

They never learn or you might be the one who is tempted into drinking or smoking yet again.  Far too many people don't realize they can avoid many relationship issues if they would simply stop partying.  But many of these couples met during times when inhibitions had been lowered by substance abuse.  The difficulty of letting go of destructive behaviors that damage their relationships is constant.

"I know I shouldn't but I can't help it...I really wish I could stop drinking...I don't like what has become of our relationship, but...He only hits me when he is drunk...She is cool as long as she doesn't use drugs..."

Holidays for some couples are not happy, peaceful, or good times, because they don't want to admit that the substances that they drink, snort, inject, or smoke are causing problems for not only them, but children and pets living in their homes and relatives who visit.

If you are guilty of hurting your partner or others while under the influence, admit that you have a problem and reach out to professionals for assistance before it's too late.  Many people will be going to jail today, dying prematurely, losing children, etc. simply because they just don't want to admit that they are wrong and that they should have left dysfunctional relationships a long time ago rather than self-medicate with drugs and alcohol! 

Drinking and drug use provide a temporal escape, but reality shows up again and when you look around, you realize just how bad one's situation really is.  What is it going to take for some to realize a sober mind is always better than one under the influence?  Consider the following that has happened to people who just never bothered to awaken to the fact that their dependence on alcohol and/or drugs ruined their lives.

1.  Premature death.
2.  Financial loss
3.  Divorce
4. Unwanted pregnancy
5. STDs
6. Emotional abuse
7. Physical abuse
8. Reckless driving
9. Murder
10. Suicide
11. Rebellious children
12.  Adultery

and much more...is it worth it?

Nicholl McGuire, blog owner

Monday

When There is No One Left to Blame

They have all gone.  The parents stopped calling or coming around.  No conversation about them.  The children (or at least most of them) are not at home even pets have gone off into their corners.  There is no job stress, no significant money woes (just the usual) and neighbors, friends and others aren't involved much with you.  No one is around to blame, to talk about, to insult, or to distract you from the troubled one seated in the same room or sleeping beside you.  Now what?

Oftentimes victims in bad relationships run away from their problems.  They resort to blaming others for all their issues.  From something not going right at an event to the attitude a partner gives them behind closed doors.  However, when there isn't anyone or anything to blame, then what?
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If you are watching this sort of situation unfold with yourself or someone you know, you can see what and who is really the cause behind all the blaming.  Instead, we like to sugarcoat things and hope for the best.  We make excuses for bad connections whether on or offline.  We say things like, "It isn't so bad...at least I don't have as many problems as So and So..."  But you still have problems.  Brag all you want about how you don't have this challenge and that one but look in the mirror sometimes. 

Who is prematurely aging?  Who is staying financially broke?  Who's heart broken?  Who needs someone to rescue he or she from one bad decision after another?

When we face the fact that we are the one with issues, we can begin to walk toward some healing.  The time will never be right to emotionally withdraw from someone.  A bit of sex and a good time reveling in some entertainment and great food with a difficult person is nothing more than yet another distraction to keep you from leaving a miserable relationship.

People around you are distancing themselves because they know sooner or later the volcano will erupt (yet again) and they don't want to be a part of anymore destruction.  Wake up!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of many books including: Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men and She's Crazy.  Scroll this site and click on links.

Feel free to join this blog and also subscribe to YouTube channel.

Monday

13 Heartbreaking Confessions of Domestic Violence Survivors

6 Things to Think About Before Agreeing to Help a Victim of Abuse

When someone approaches you with a story that sounds a lot like he or she is being abused, do consider the following.

1.  No talking about the situation when victims have either shut down, stopped talking, or don't feel ready to share everything.
2.  Be understanding, don't pressure a victim to leave especially when you don't know the details.  Sometimes abusers will pretend like they are victims to get attention or cover up their misdeeds by placing blame on a partner.
3.  Avoid blaming, ridiculing or acting in other negative ways, because you don't like or agree with what the person is telling you.
4.  Search for resources in the victim's area and share them.  Remind him or her it is against the law to be abused and for a child or animal to be abused as well.  Oftentimes abusers are not only hurting their partners, but others as well.

Couple, Female, Male, Reaching, Black, Silhouette

5.  Offer to assist the individual with expenses and other needs if you know you are able to, don't give him or her false hope.
6.  If there are untreated bruises, encourage the person to get medical treatment.

When you are unsure what to do or don't want to get involved, the very least you can do is refer the person to a local support group or counselor who is familiar with domestic abuse or dating violence.

Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

Abused, Used -- Your Life

He is not God.
You are not Jesus.
Your children, disciples.
Following after whatever example you are providing.

What you do with your life relevant,
how you choose to live it...important.
Abuser, irrelevant.

Advisers don't want to hear about
what he thinks, what she will do...Wound, Injury, Hurt, Band-Aid
what they want to know is,
what will you do?

Band-aids don't heal wounds.
Compliments don't erase pain.
Expensive gifts don't solve problems.
Trips around the world don't make a partner love.

Pain and more pain is all the victim ever gets.
Pain and more pain is all the abuser gives.

Nicholl McGuire


Sunday

Future Abusers of the World - The Children Who Have Seen and Heard it All

They are bullies, attention-seekers, angry, loud-mouth, sneaky, or downright evil, children.  They look harmless but upon closer inspection, you see the callousness in them.  They learned from the best, abusive guardians. 

Emotionally and physically violent mothers and/or fathers cursing, fighting, slamming things, and acting out their aggression in other ways.  Mad at everyone in the household, a father storms off after leaving his partner on the floor crying and yelling.  Mom retaliates one day, loses it, and makes dad bleed.  The children see, they may tell others, or remain quiet until they are old enough to fight anyone who stands in their way.

Slap a child one too many times and eventually she doesn't cry anymore.  Punch a son in his chest as an attempt to toughen him up over and over again, and one day he will pay the parent or someone else back for all his abuse. 

The pain received from an abusive relative, partner or friend doesn't go away overnight.  That residue left behind from watching or being a part of past wars can still be set off by many triggers.  Post traumatic stress of yesteryear comes back to haunt all of us when we least expect it.

I thought I was over some things.  I reasoned that I was okay until there was a word that was said and some behaviors I hadn't seen in years show up one too many times with an individual.  The little child in me wasn't about to let an angry man get away with anything.  A moment that could have been resolved amicably made me grow cold on the inside.  My eyes were blinded as to what was really going on around me.  All conversation stopped for me, I said nothing and the audio was cut off in my mind.  I didn't hear anything for a moment, but I knew people were talking. 

I started thinking of some past memories--ugly ones--all because of an incident that left me bewildered and angry.  I was almost carried away by many destructive thoughts flooding my mind, but I paused.  Silence.  The last time I felt this way I went on and did what every piece of my flesh screamed, "Pay backs are a b$tch!"  But not this time, I won't be held accountable for anything I say or do...Silence. 

I purposely made myself--my whole body not move.  Why?  Not only did I not want to stoop so low and catch the man by surprise, but there were witnesses, children.  Envision the future for a moment.  What might they hold on to if I cross the line?  What memory might take over their minds and bound them to a dark time in their lives?  As parents, we just can't afford to do something so bad, so crazy, so strange...that it leaves an imprint on our children and places our freedom at risk.  It's never worth it!  Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships

A past childhood can set the stage for what is to come if we let it.  Parents can mold and shape future abusers while they are stressing the importance of a good education, job, partner, etc.  The hate that some exude, it rubs off and if one doesn't fight against the temptation to act out on the hate, he or she will be swallowed up by it!  Children see and children will do.  Take a moment to explain events and share with them why it is so wrong to act out on anything they may be thinking.

Consider this, you don't have to wish to change the past, you can do some things right now that will make a difference in the future.  No more talking about leaving a bad relationship, start making the effort now before you do something that you might one day regret.  If you have a faith, ask God to do the following for you:

1.  Put more love in your heart.
2.  Peace in your home.
3.  An exit strategy to leave.
4.  Angels to protect you.
5.  Finances to assist.
6.  The necessary mindset and courage to break up and never return to your abuser again.
7.  Wisdom going forward in your life when it comes to dealing with others in relationships, parenting, and more.

Once you get freed out of this relationship, don't be tempted again to give another abuser access to your heart.  There are many charming men and women who are also cold-hearted, angry and abusive people who want nothing more than to replace a victim with yet another heart-broken victim.

Nicholl McGuire


Wednesday

When a Man Says He Doesn't Want Children, He Means It

Some victims of domestic violence assume that if they have a baby for an abusive man, then another and another that some how the man will change and life will get better.  But the truth is, it won't.  Abusive men, whether the silent type or physically violent, want obedience--power and control--from those they abuse.

One thing that many men can't control is a baby being born in this world--but they will try and some will successfully get their way.  A man, who is mentally unstable, doesn't ever want to feel powerless.  His need for control over any and all situations is an obsession and when a victim thinks she is somehow getting the upper hand by having a baby anyway, she puts herself at risk of being killed. 

Thoughts play over and over in his mind on how to get his victims to do as he wishes irregardless of how they and others may feel.
Pay attention to the man's expression when a woman announces she is pregnant.  Most abusive men either boldly show how much they resent the news or they fake excitement.  Others might be happy for one pregnancy, but not the next.

Then there are those men who enjoy the fact that they have dominance with each announcement, because for some they know their women will become more dependent on them.  Some men simply like the idea they will be fathers, but disdain the mothers.

An extreme example of the hate one man had about having yet another child (his third) is found in the following Washington Post article: She loved being a mother’: Pregnant woman executed for refusing abortion, family says

If you are in a relationship with a difficult man, take heed to abusive signs early on and avoid having children with an emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman.  Children for many people are an added stressed and are not welcome by all.

Friday

Weigh the Pros and Cons - Bad Relationship is a Mistake

"I didn't want to believe it happened.  I met someone that I really thought was a nice person.  I felt that he was going to treat me sweetly, but once again I was wrong.  I became bitter allowing this individual into my life again and again.  I should have never given this man a place in my life, but I did and so now I have to undo it!"

How many of you secretly regret connecting with a partner whether on or offline?  This is someone who deceived you in some way.  Who didn't keep promises, lied about his whereabouts, his or her commitment to you, and more.  You might have looked the other way early on during the courtship--forgive and forget, right?  But now sometimes you are numb or crazy with anger.

When you are at your wits end with someone, feeling trapped in a bad relationship, consider those high and low emotions toward him or her red flag warning signs to get out while there is still time.  Just imagine being wheel-chaired bound and relying on an abusive man or woman to care for you or what about sickly in bed needing him or her to fix you your meals for a long time. Scary thought? 

You can still move about, right?  That daily worry, stress, disputing, and more will wear you down if not already.  The aging process will not slow for you and your body will not always be healthy.  Add children to the mix, and they will not always like and respect you especially if you are showing weakness when it comes to an emotionally and/or physically abusive partner.  In addition, you will not always have the strength to go on and then what?

So count up the positives and the negatives that plague your current relationship with someone and then work toward freedom.  It might take you a week, a month, a year or more to get free, but you can do it!  Accept the fact you made an error when you connected with the bad individual whether it has been recently or many years ago.  Forgive yourself! 

It is never too late to make a difference in your life!

Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

Trapped in Thoughts - Abusers, Victims Idolize One Another

They don't think that they do, but they do.  People will idolize one another as well as things.  They love, worship, kill, steal, destroy, and more for partners.  Witnesses stand by and see the destruction.  They call them out on their foolishness.  But idol worshippers keep right on doing what they do.

The presence of idol worship is in an abusive relationship.  Simply put, the abuser and victim put one another on a pedestal.  They think much about one another--too much!  Thoughts stream into their minds frequently about everything from what the other is doing to how he or she feels about him/her.  The thoughts play out like a roller coaster ride, a merry go round or a swing.  It is all fun, positive, sweet or nice until someone gets hurt again and again.

Couple, Love, Sunset, Proposal Marriage

"I miss you...I can't get enough of you.  When will we see each other again?  I want you forever..."  Sounds so wonderful, doesn't it? At least in the beginning of the dysfunctional courtship all appears to be natural, genuine and okay.  But the signs are usually there, early on, something just isn't right.  Stay in the presence of an abusive person long term and what went up, comes crashing down.  He or she will make you sick!  Abusive men and women don't live up to what they say.  They are emotionally and/or physically suffocating.

"Where are you going?  When will you be back?  Who are you talking to?  Why do you act like that?  You are making me do this...I hate you...You are a...I really wish I never met you!" the angry pair yells. 

The thoughts go round and round in the couple's heads.  They can't move left or right without thinking about what might a partner think, say or do if this or that is done.  One always has to be on point in conversation, stay on top of things when given tasks, and never ask too many questions or bring up subjects that make the other squirm in his or her seat.  If you should fail, make one wrong move, say the wrong thing, etc. you pay.  Long bouts of silent treatment, pouting, cursing, threats, withdrawal of affection and money and more is what the abuser will do to get his or her partner to tow the line, walk the straight and narrow, or do what he or she says.  You worry often about how you are treated.  This is the plan of the enemy!  While you focus on a partner, you have little time for your Creator.  Therefore, the abuser and the Accuser has you right where they want you.

But what if you redirect those thoughts, turn them into positive energy, once they come into your mind?  There purpose is to keep you kept!  A kept woman or man can and should break free from all toxic programming!  As one discovers healing and release, he or she might fear the unknown ( the future), worry about the consequences (being used and abused for fighting back), or ridiculed for knowing the truth.  However, the human spirit is going to sooner or later apply pressure to get free out of the bondage.  It is unnatural, unrighteous, and evil to keep a stable, potentially successful individual bound to someone or something that is taking one's very mind and body.  If you are the victim, you can take your life back!

For every thought that arises that says, "I can't...I won't...I don't want to...How?"  The strong says, "I will no longer tolerate...I am better than this...I can do better...I don't deserve this.  I love me.  There is a way out of this!"

The day a victim realizes his/her worth is the day that he or she will be like the caterpillar who turns into the butterfly and begins to take flight.  Where will freedom take you this day?

Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

Mom will Reap What She Has Sown - When Children Rebel - Emotional/Physical Abuse

Mom was upset with dad so she went off on children.  She cursed, slapped, and did many more hurtful things.  She really didn't mean to act outrageous.  But Mom didn't want to leave dad and so the honeymoon periods in the household came and went. 

The family argued like cats and dogs especially on holidays.  Siblings lashed out, pets ran about, parents acted like fools in front of children.  The house could have been peaceful had adults stopped with wishful thinking that the good ole days would return again.

Mom will reap what she has sown when difficult children grow up.  She will hear the feedback, "Why didn't you just leave Dad? What was wrong with you treating us like that?  He just wasn't worth it, Mom!" 

Future mother's day holidays will not be so blissful.  Children will grow weary of honoring a woman who has little self-respect and has no intention of doing what's right.  Instead, they will see the victim, selfish, brainwashed, needy, and insecure wanting undeserved honor.

Abused children push back.  They rid themselves of the brainwashing that an abusive man/father is still a righteous man that mothers want so desperately to make others believe.  Sons and daughters become wise.  They realize they don't want to be around a scorned woman any longer.  Love becomes distant.  Children learn to protect themselves.  Abused mom tries to reel her children back in like a fisherman who baits his hook with a worm tempting the fish below.  She might catch one or two of her children for a time, but maybe not.

The same abusive tactics that were used to charm the poor mother are the same that she uses on hurting children sooner or later.  The angry man threatens, name-calls, withdraws affection, money, etc. and so she too does the same to her children.  Then she wonders, "Why do my children rebel?  Why do they disrespect me?  Why do they treat me badly?  Why do they let others use and abuse them?" 

Abused mothers will need to take a good long look at what they have taught their children to enable abuse.  Break the tie that binds!

Nicholl McGuire the creator of this blog and others including: When Mothers Cry the book and blog.


Wednesday

She Doesn't Believe Your Story - When Mother Validates Her Abusive Child

It isn't a happy mother's day for some women because they know just how bad their relationships are with their children's fathers.  The abuser's mother doesn't care much about the victim or her son's private lives.  All she wants is to be honored, treated with dignity and respect. 

Not only is the victim bound to her abusive mate, but his controlling mother too. 

Time to step back from not only the abusive partner, but his difficult mother too.

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Saturday

The Know-it- All Victim - She Knows Everything, But Does Nothing

We have all been there and done that, thought we knew everything about everyone in our circle and so we defended them.  We fought long, hard, and ended up looking quite stupid in the end!  Women, who are victims of abusive men, don't want to believe the truth and don't want you handing them any mirrors either!

The know-it-all victim fights with mom, her best friend, and even her children about her no-good husband or boyfriend.  "But I love him...so what!  I know already..." she says to those who really wish she would go on and get a life away from her miserable partner.  Yet she insists, "Things will get better...and you don't know him like I do." 

Victims brag about the things they claim to know already.  Like the time(s) a partner cheated, lied, abused, used, and did other things.  They have advice for everyone else, but can't figure out how to have any personal peace.  Living with and sexing an abusive man (or woman) will drive you crazy!  You think you are stable, smart, sexy, and sweet, but what the world really sees is a stupid, sassy, sour, sulking lady who acts as if she knows much when the truth is she knows very little when it comes to having a quality relationship that satisfies her. 

Remember these know-it-all victims messed up early on when they got involved with a jealous, controlling, or miserable man or woman.  They refused to see the signs that the person was difficult, weird, or has some kind of mental illness.  The know-it-all victim believes she can get out of the relationship, but her feet do nothing but stay put.  She feeds off of the pain of others to help her feel good about herself.  "At least my relationship isn't as bad as her's or his," the victim thinks.  The truth is the victim's situation is much worse, because she or he is self-deceived.

You may have encountered someone like this or you are currently that person.  You might feel like you can't manage your situation or someone else's or maybe you have some things in control, but not other things.  Whatever you are feeling right now, just know that you won't get very far with someone who believes he or she is right about everything.  Prideful people are the most difficult to communicate with, cohabitate, and love.

We don't know it all as survivors, but what we do know is that person we used to be!  Break free from toxic relationships!  See Psalm 91 for those interested in spiritual uplift.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of this blog and many books.  Check out a YouTube Channel that encourages listeners to move on with their lives by trusting in one's Creator.

Thursday

So You are Defending Your Emotional or Physical Abuser? We Don't Trust You

Why did six police officers show up when the call came through from a neighbor that I needed help and that my abuser was trying to kill me?  For over two decades, I said nothing about this small detail, the reason was simple, those officers didn't know who or what was really behind our apartment door prior to entering. 

They didn't know if I would attempt to attack them for apprehending him.  They didn't know if a gun, knife or anything else was being used in our fighting.  In my case, it was a hot iron.  They had no clue whether I or he would go off on everyone answering that call.  They just didn't know. The paramedics showed up too and they were very watchful and quick to remove me out of the scene.

Some of you, those who are still being emotionally and/or physically abused, might talk about how you don't like a lot about a partner with relatives and friends from the way he or she talks to you to how aggressive the individual is with you.  But if you saw your partner being put on his or her back by officers or your loved ones beating him or her up, you might be tempted to want to defend him or her.  You are untrustworthy.  You are unstable.  And no, they don't believe what you say like how much you hate him or her today and then love that person the next.  Did you catch that? 

You might talk about how you are going to leave, but you haven't yet.  Your mind, heart and feet are still planted with your controller.  You may have boasted about how you have this and that going for you like material wealth and other things, but you are still with someone who disrespects you and feeds off of making you do what he or she asks or demands. 

Your actions and inactions in the relationship tell those that would like to help you that you don't have your personal life together.  They just might be wishy-washy or slow about reaching out to you, because they don't have a clue what your next move might be concerning your roller coaster ride relationship. 

From employers to strangers on the street, most people don't take any chances with their safety with victims of dating or domestic violence.  They know victims have been manipulated and sometimes they tend to manipulate.  If you are in a relationship like this, you most likely already used some emotional games on others to try to control them.  You may have went around the power and control wheel with your loved ones not realizing that is what you are doing.

So before you get angry and stay angry with loved ones and friends realize they are on the outside looking in.  Picture this, they are free and you are still in a cage with someone who might claim to love you, but we aren't convinced.

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and shares relationship tips and other spiritually related counsel on YouTube Channel NM Enterprise 7.

Tuesday

Don't Deny the Trials - Abuse is Just What it Is

They make excuses for it.  They lie about it.  They say it won't happen again.  They tell family and friends it isn't what you think.  Abuse.  Victims come in many different colors, social classes, and more.  They don't want to believe they are being emotionally and physically beaten with or without words, hands, and other things.

"What?  I don't know what you are talking about!  I am fine.  Leave me alone.  I have dealt with this for a long time.  I know how to handle him..." the victim defends her sickness.  In love with a man who plays mind games, makes false promises, isolates her, cheats, steals, lies, and tells her how bad she is when he feels down.

Don't deny the trials you are in or have been going through for quite some time.  You might live with them for now, but you are to grow from them.  Your eyes are focused on freedom, not bondage.  The survivors know this all too well.  True survivors don't go back, they don't say things like, "We," they say, "I" and they definitely stop hoping that one day things will get better. 

Victims are still focused on "We" even when the abuser says, "I" and "me."  Victims make excuses for incompatible partners, lie about their relationships, cover up their pain, complain often, bad mouth about others, find faults in messengers, hate their lives, and are often scared or nervous especially around their abusers.  They lean on everything from cigarettes to food to comfort them. 

Pretenders (false survivors) don't want to believe that anything is wrong with them or their relationships.  Take for instance, a victim rubs her sore back after being repeatedly kicked and says, "It's okay, he was drunk."  A battered man puts a cold compress on his eye.  "I'm okay, she was just in one of her moods."  These are people walking around with a mental illness.  The sickness they have is their partners.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and She's Crazy.  These nonfiction eBooks are available on Smashwords.

Saturday

Just Say No to Drama and Hello to Your Future


Check out Blog Owner Nicholl McGuire podcasts on Sutros http://www.sutros.com/nichollmcguire

Friday

Things People and Companies Have Done to Help Abused Women

Some women who were determined to leave their abusive partners did so with the help of moving companies.  Others were helped in ways you may have never thought of!  So if you are not in an abusive relationship and may be in business or affiliated with a civic group, consider giving some time, money or service to those who want to move on with their lives.

For victims, check with companies in your local area who may help or ask a social worker or domestic violence counselor to assist with whatever your needs might be.  You never know who might be willing to help you, so put aside pride and secrets and step out on faith!

The following is a list of businesses whose good deeds helped so many as well as ideas.  Be sure to check the location before contacting these companies or any others.  Also ask for referrals if they are no longer offering their services.

1.  Meathead Movers assisted women by helping them move.

2.  “A Pele da Flor” (The Skin of the Flower) is about giving hurt women tattoos free of charge.

3.  Heartwarming story of a woman and a dog who had something in common, domestic abuse.

4.  The Blackdot Campaign using a black dot to signal help.

5.  Crisis Center North in Pittsburgh - dog providing therapy for women in domestic violence center.

6.  Woman Shares Video to Help Others Via Facebook

7.  Temporary tattoos used to spread the word about dating violence.

8.  That's Not Cool Campaign for teens.

9.  Mary Kay helped mid-schoolers define what is a healthy relationship.

10.  Transportation Issues for Domestic Violence Programs the contents are worth reading.

Search for "companies that help with..." include what your need might be and "domestic violence" or "dating violence" you will find much information.  For more recent information, include the current year.

Check out this article if you know someone via the Internet who is being abused. See here.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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