Sunday

Perfectionists Can Be Suicidal: How to Avoid the Dark Thoughts of Suicide

Perfectionists Can Be Suicidal: How to Avoid the Dark Thoughts of Suicide
Ever wonder why you start off in love with life, love, work, school or family, then later you can't stand yourself or anyone or anything else? Are you a perfectionist heading down a path of suicide?
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Tuesday

Domestic Violence - What Mothers Must Teach Their Sons

It wasn't too long ago that many of us were reeling from the news of domestic violence involving singers Chris Brown and Rihanna. According to the Domestic Violence Resource Center, more than one million people, on average, are victims of domestic violence each year.

The vast majority of victims are women, and if there is any hope to lessen domestic violence, it's important that we start educating our sons about it at an early age. This includes:

1. What Constitutes Domestic Violence. While many people think of domestic violence as a man consistently abusing a woman, we must help them understand that domestic violence is any violence which takes place amongst family members or those in an intimate relationship and that it can be a one time occurrence or continuous.

2. Respect For Women. Respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Men who have little respect for women can often get abusive when things go awry. We must continue to teach our sons that women are to be treated with respect and that this means they should love, cherish and never harm them.

3. Don't Remain In An Unhealthy Relationship. In this culture, where many of our young men are being raised by single mothers, without any or minimal interaction with male role models, their vision of masculinity can get skewed. The same is true for young men who grow up in abusive two parent households. In such cases, these young men may believe that love is chaotic so they emulate what they've seen. This is why it's important for moms to ensure their sons also see examples of healthy relationships and men who represent the example they want their sons to be. Our society is filled with men who are good men and our families are filled with couples who have healthy relationships. We may have to seek those examples out, but it's imperative that we do.

Additionally, we should remind our sons that domestic violence is a two way street and can also involve a woman hitting a man. As such, we should encourage our sons that if they are in a relationship where the woman gets physical, i.e., pushing, hitting, biting, slapping, etc. that they terminate the relationship because this type of behavior represents the emerging stages of what could escalate into unthinkable tragedy.

4. Violence Never Solves Anything. We must reiterate to our sons that no matter how angry they may become about a situation that violence or use of force, absent of self defense, is not an acceptable form of behavior and that there are better ways to handle their anger than harming another human being.

In the end, there is a lot we can do to lessen the number of domestic violence incidents that occur each year. One such thing is educating our sons about the importance of healthy relationships and better ways to handle their anger than the use of violence.

Kimberley Crouch is an attorney/author/radio show host. Kim is founder of First Generation Publishing and author of Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today's Young African American Men. Known as the 100% Mom (someone 100% committed to the health, welfare and education of every child), Kim is a firm believer that one person can make a difference. To learn more about Kimberley Crouch, go to http://www.kimcrouch.com.

Monday

Signs of Physical-Sexual Child Abuse in Adults

As an adult have you experienced-but not limited to the following?

• Little or no memory of childhood-age 3 to 12
• Trouble with relationships-on the job, in your family
• Low self-esteem
• Panic attacks-mild to severe
• Anxiety
• Phobias
• Depression
• Inability to trust or trusting indiscriminately
• alcohol/drug abuse
• Obsessive compulsive behavior
• Nightmares of being chased, trapped or surreal
• Sensory flashes-unable to identify images
• Insomnia
• Suicidal thoughts or attempts
• A sense of going crazy or feeling unreal compared to others
• Shame, guilt
• Sense of underlying humiliation
• Baseless crying
• Angry outbursts/rage seemingly for no reason
• Inability to recognize feelings
• Mood swings
• Emotional shut down
• Numbing or zoning out
• Arthritis/joint pain
• Diagnosis of ADD or ADHD,
• Labeled an 'airhead'
• Chronic/acute fear
• Headaches/migraines
• Eating disorders-anorexia, bulimia, obesity
• PMS
• Vaginismus
• Gastrointestinal/gynecological disorders
• Chronic fatigue
• MS
• Fibromyalgia
• Lupus
• Chronic back pain-L3, L4 and/or L5 region
• Cancer-predominately-vaginal, cervical or ovarian in women; testicular, prostate in men; however cancer of any kind can be as a result of physical or sexual abuse. Cancer is anger/rage turned against the self
• Prostitute/promiscuous sex
• Inability to orgasm
• Dissociative Identity Disorder-Multiple Personality Disorder
• Self-injury-self-abuse, self-mutilation (cutting, burning, breaking bones, pinching skin, ingesting, injecting and inserting foreign materials, interfering with the healing process of wounds, punching, slapping, picking skin, pulling hair, bloodletting, tattooing, piercing
• Wearing baggy clothes or clothes a size or two sizes too large
• Aversion to opposite sex-including homosexuality/lesbian
• Use of pornography-print, video
• Enjoy peep shows, topless dancers
• Become a porn star or pimp
• Sex offenders-male and female

If you have experienced one or more of these 'symptoms' you are more likely a physical and/or sexual abuse survivor than not--albeit you may have no memory.

Healing the emotional wounds of physical or sexual abuse is possible. Talk therapy, antidepressants and/or antipsychotic drugs are inadequate to uncover the emotional pain, and heal the trauma trapped in muscles and tissue. To fully appreciate the depth of this pain, I will quote one of my clients, "Even my blood hurts." A multifaceted healing process specifically focused on physical and sexual abuse recovery and diligent work is the most effective; wherein the survivor can replenish their emotional and spiritual identity and empowerment.


Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net

Friday

How To Get Rid Of Addiction And Abuse

Tell me, does this describe someone you know?

Some people who feel inferior use an addiction to try to overcome weaknesses, especially in times of increased stress or deep inner conflict. A person’s inner inferiority complex reveals itself in his or her actions such as addiction, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, child abuse, compulsive eating, blame and aggression among others.

No successful person desires a destructive addiction. What people who choose addiction or abuse really want is the power and ability to create better lives.

Fearing they do not have this power to improve their lives, you will hear these people use excuses and blame to justify their addiction and abuse and protect what little dignity they feel they have left.

If you find yourself or others dealing with addiction or abuse, instead of justifying or blaming, ask the following questions:

Do I really want healing and resolution for this addiction or abuse?

Am I willing to improve myself to achieve healing?

Do I realize I can’t control others? The only one I can control is me.

Am I willing to take the first step for myself and get rid of my addiction, abuse excuses, blame and other destructive habits to achieve peace and happiness?

Alcohol abuse and drug abuse are common crutches today. I have met many people who feel tongue-tied or awkward at social events. They find a few cocktails or beers “give them a lift” turning them from introvert to extrovert. There are many people who drink to feel better about themselves, even to the point of abuse or addiction.

For an article entitled Lori Prokop Interviews the Experts, one doctor said to me, “It’s sad but true. A seemingly innocent use of alcohol can quickly and easily become an addiction, especially if people perceive they are someway ‘improved’ when they drink.”

Alcohol abuse, drug abuse and any other addiction are serious forms of personal loss. The people, who depend on any exterior addiction or abuse rather than improving their perceived weaknesses and healing their pains, are beaten from the start.

Such a person can find healing. They must get rid of the addiction and abuse, find a healing system which works and resolve their fears and pains.


Learn how to heal abuse and create what you want in life. Lori Prokop shows how to heal the world and people in it. Resolve conflict without giving in. Have more love. Visit http://www.howtohealabuse.com for your FREE Report and create what you want.

Monday

Getting Over Abuse

I was quite lucky. I wasn't abused as a child, so I knew the abuse happening to me as an adult shouldn't have been occurring. Not everyone who suffers from abuse is that lucky.

When I left my abusive partner it was the first stage of recovery. My life was a wreck. I had two children, one living with me at the time, little money and very poor health. The road ahead looked bleak. I didn't feel good about myself. I felt depressed. I didn't really like or trust other people anymore and the future was just a scary black hole.

During this relationship I allowed myself to be subjected to physical, mental and verbal abuse. But in this article I want to focus on the verbal abuse.

What is verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse is incessant ridicule, name-calling and mocking. The abuser will often blame you for things that have nothing to do with you and make you feel responsible for their mess in some way. When you talk about things they'll argue and say it's all your fault. After some time you'll begin to wonder what's wrong with you.

What's happened to the 'me' within me?

My sense of self began to diminish - the 'me' that used to drive my machine - and I began to think I was wrong all the time. What complicated things was that a year before I met my partner I'd fallen fourteen feet and hit the concrete headfirst. Often when she blamed me for things, I would think 'I don't remember you saying that,' and then, even though I sensed I was being blamed for something, I took on the responsibility and accepted blame, justifying it - saying 'The bang on my head must have affected my memory.'

When you're in a stream of verbal abuse it begins to strip away your identity. Once you become a victim of an abuser you can quite quickly end up serving their needs, while forgetting your own. The relationship becomes very much like a traditional mother-child relationship - mother (you) child (them).

In my case the name-calling, ridiculing and mocking served to undermine who I really was. What happened was my partner was drilling into me who she thought I was - or more likely who she wanted me to be. This happens when an abuser want you to fit into a warped perception of reality they expect to see in the world.

Remove the Web

I liken overcoming abuse to removing yourself from a spider's web. I found I behaved in certain ways and had no idea why. I can recall speaking harshly to people and then thinking 'Where did that come from?' Alternatively I would feel cornered and angry, and then think, 'Why do I feel like this? There is no reason to behave like this!'

Whenever these types of things surfaced I'd shut myself away for a while and try to understand what just happened. Eventually I stumbled onto something that changed everything.

What did I uncover?

I found that my responses where knee-jerk reactions that had nothing to do with whoever or whatever confronted me. I realised that these knee-jerks were all to do with a conditioned behaviour I'd learn during the abusive relationship.

How does that work?

When these knee-jerk reaction happened I discovered it had nothing to do with current circumstances and all to do with a pattern of behaviour I'd been running in order to survive. When I analysed the 'current situation' I understood I was not under threat - not about to be called names or undermined and could therefore behave in a way that was more accepting rather than fearful.

What happened then?

Gradually I began to master my emotions again. Sometimes I'd slip back to the knee-jerk, other times I'd catch it, say 'Hi' to it and then let it go. Eventually the knee-jerks stopped coming.

The Road Ahead

I want to wrap up this article by letting you know that things can, and do, turn out well. Although I never sought counselling, I know others do. This is, at the least a way of being able to talk about things. Another way is to spend a weekend writing down every thing that happened to you in your abusive relationship. Writing is an excellent way to vent and it harms no one.

What did I do?

I read lots of books. My goal wasn't necessarily to overcome abuse, but to rediscover me again. I also became quite careful who I became good friends with and who I listened to.

I hope this article helped you.

Best

Neil

Friday

4 Ways Men Can Heal From Sexual Abuse

Most often when we read or hear about the sexual abuse of children the stories are about the victimization of young girls. Less often discussed, but still pervasive, are the number of young boys who have also been affected. In the United States, one out of every six young men has been a victim.

I am one of them; I was physically and sexually abused as a preteen.

But what I want you to know is that I was healed and made whole through Jesus Christ and the same can be true for any boy or man who has walked in my shoes. In this article I will share some of the healing techniques that helped me overcome the residual effects associated with this painful and traumatic experience.

Whether a person has been assaulted by a stranger or someone they know like an uncle, stepfather, mother, aunt or family friend, doesn’t really matter. In every case, as with all traumatic situations, the child suffers a threat to his life or body that is so overwhelming that it destroys all normal systems of safety and trust. In short, the child’s world, belief system, and sense of how life is supposed to be are destroyed. The child becomes like a puzzle whose pieces are scattered and must be put back together again.

Four techniques can help victims of sex abuse restore their sense of safety and who they are. The techniques are:

Know that they are not alone. Sixty-two percent of children throughout the world have been sexually abused. In addition, it is helpful to consider that traumatic events and tragedies are part of the lives of the vast majority of people in the world today. Trauma could be a tsunami off the coast of Asia, a roadside bomb in Iraq, a hurricane in New Orleans, a car accident near home or sexual violence in the bedroom of a child. Trauma knows know gender, race or culture.

Find a community. A person who suffers a trauma like sexual abuse loses three things – their voice, identity and a sense of self. Seeking out a community allows the individual to find all three. A community can be one person, ten people or a hundred. The important thing is that it serves to let a person tell and retell his story in total comfort.

Forgive everyone. This is perhaps the most difficult of the first three steps, but the most critical. The longer it takes to forgive the individual, or the event, or even God, the longer the effects of the trauma will remain in a person’s life. Forgiveness releases the victim’s need for personal revenge and primes them to take action to help the perpetrator and the community. Once forgiveness has taken place, it may be possible to get help for the abuser by informing family, clergy and even law enforcement officials of this individual’s need of help.

Put his world back together. Through awareness, acceptance, assurance, adoration, association, assignment, accountability and assimilation – what I call the 8 A’s of Ascension into the Arms of the Almighty – a man can take a new look at God, his worldview, his values, beliefs of right and wrong, reward and punishment and himself. As he progresses through each of the A’s he can put his world back together and move forward into a productive and substantial life.

Dr. Dennis L. Waters is Pastor/President of Spirit of Victory and Praise Community Church in Gaithersburg, Maryland and Pastor/President of Spirit, Victory, Praise Ministries. SVP Ministries helps people move beyond the shame, blame, and pain of past tragedy, trauma, and loss by tapping into the tools and techniques for healing of major Christian religions, including meditation and self-talk affirmations. His latest book, "I Will Restore: A Ministry of Healing to African American Male Survivors of Prepubescent Physical and Sexual Abuse," explains the Eight A's of Ascension into the Arms of the Almighty in greater detail.

Send an e-mail to spiritvictory@spiritvictorypraise.org or phone 301-607-8277 to request your free copy of the spiritual strategic life planner “Through the Gate to Everything Great in ’08.” You can also get more information at http://www.spiritvictorypraise.org

Thursday

Chemically Imbalanced Men and the Brainwashed Women Who Love Them
Some women have been repeatedly forewarned about the man in their life, yet they refuse to listen. What do you think will happen if they continue to stay in a troubled relationship? Here's what you need to share with a friend.
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Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: Questions About the Book by Nicholl McGuire
Why do women stay with abusers? Why do they write books and talk about their experiences? One woman answers why she wrote her memoir, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.
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Wednesday

6 Things We Do That Give an Abusive Mate Power

When I was in an abusive relationship back in 1996, I experienced some of the following things with my mate. It is so sad what we will do for love. I didn't know it at the time that all I was doing was giving him more power over me. He didn't love me anymore or any less. Looking back, he really didn't love himself, so how could he love me?

One. We make excuses for his or her behavior.

A customer service representative, sales clerk even a friend has witnessed our mate's insane behavior over the littlest of things. So what do we do? We apologize on behalf of our man. We talk about the stress he is under. We expect empathy from everyone because of his past unfortunate circumstances.

Two. We lie for him or her.

We think that by lying about any problem or situation our partner is experiencing that somehow they will treat us better. If anything, they will take what we did for them and wash our faces with it later. "How can I trust you? You lied to your mother for me!"

Three. We have sex with him or her even when we don't want it.

We think by showing our mate some love in the bedroom he or she will in turn show love back. The truth is sex is nothing more than a release for someone who is abusive. Love has nothing to do with it. Giving up sex to him or her means nothing but control, possession, and an act of a perverted form of submission over you. We are not the only one he is sleeping with usually.

Four. We do whatever he or she asks no matter how much we disagree.

If he wants his food cooked a certain way, a new sexual position, or time spent where ever and with whomever he wants, he expects you to be understanding. When you object, he beats you until you no longer object to what he does. Abusive women use manipulative strategies like staying out all hours of the night or flirting with his friends as a means of control.

Five. We isolate ourselves from family and friends because he or she has issues with them.

He or she doesn't like your sister, loathes your mother, and/or hides from your father. All of these things are signs he or she wants you to cut them off, because your mate doesn't want them putting anything in your mind about him or her such as "end the relationship...leave him...you know he's no good for you, so why do you stay?"

Six. We allow he or she access to all our money.

He or she knows that if they have your money, they have you. You won't be able to pack up and leave whenever you want. Your mate knows that if he or she can obtain money whenever they want, he or she will be able to use that money for whatever they like. Then when you need to pay rent, lights and other bills, you practically have to beg, borrow and steal to get it -- thanks to your abusive partner!

There are many other signs of control an abusive partner will use, but these are the ones I am most familiar with since I lived through some of these and witnessed others with family members and friends.


Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Amazon.com

Tuesday

Emotional Abuse - Why Marriage Counseling Makes it Worse

If you live with a resentful, angry, or emotional abusive person, you have most likely have already tried marriage counseling or individual psychotherapy. You may have tried sending your partner to some kind of anger-management group. Let me guess your experience: Your personal psychotherapy did not help your relationship, marriage counseling made it worse, your partner's psychotherapy made it still worse, and his anger-management or abuser classes lowered the tone but not the chronic blame of his resentment, anger, or abuse.

Fortunately, you can learn something about healing from each one of these failed treatments, which we will examine next, one by one.

Why Marriage Counseling Fails

By the time most of my clients come to see me, they have already been to at least three marriage counselors, usually with disastrous results. A major reason for their disappointment is that marriage counseling presupposes that both parties have the skill to regulate guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy without blaming them on one another. If your husband could reflect on the motivations of his behavior - what within him makes him act as he does-he might then disagree with you or feel he can't communicate with you or feel incompatible with you for any number of reasons, but he wouldn't yell, ignore, avoid, devalue, or dismiss you in the process. If your husband were able to regulate his own emotions, your marriage counseling might have been successful.

Another strike against marriage counseling is manifest in an old joke among marriage therapists: We all have skid marks at the door where the husband is being dragged in. As you well know, men do not go voluntarily to therapy as a rule. So therapists tend to go out of their way to engage the man because he is 10 times more likely to drop out than his wife. If the therapist is sufficiently skilled, this extra effort to keep the man engaged isn't a problem, in normal relationships. But in walking-on-eggshells relationships it can be disastrous, because the therapist unwittingly joins with the more resentful, angry, or abusive partner in trying to figure out who is to blame in a given complaint. Of course he or she won't use the word, "blame." Most marriage counselors are intelligent and well-meaning and really want to make things better. So they will couch their interventions in terms of what has to be done to resolve the dispute, rather than who is to blame. Here's an example of how they go wrong.

Therapist: Estelle, it seems that Gary gets angry when he feels judged.

Gary: That's right. I get judged about everything.

Therapist: (to Estelle) I'm not saying that you are judging him-

Gary: (interrupting) Oh yes she is. It's her hobby.

Therapist: (to Estelle) I'm saying that he feels judged.
Perhaps if your request could be put in such a way that he wouldn't feel judged, you would get a better reaction.

Estelle: How do I do that?

Therapist: I noticed that when you ask him for something, you focus on what he's doing wrong. You also use the word "you" a lot. Suppose you framed it like this. "Gary, I would like it if we could spend five minutes when we get home just talking to each other about our day." (to Gary) Would you feel judged if she put it like that?

Gary: Not at all. But I doubt that she could get the judgment out of her tone of voice. She doesn't know how to talk any other way.

Therapist: Sure she does. (to Estelle) You can say it without judgment in your voice, can't you?

Estelle: Yes, of course I can. I don't mean to be judgmental all the time.

Therapist: Why don't we rehearse it a few times?

So now the problem isn't Gary's sense of inadequacy or his addiction to blame or his abusiveness, it's Estelle's judgmental tone of voice. With this crucial shift in perspective introduced by the therapist, Estelle rehearsed her new approach. Gary responded positively to her efforts, while the therapist was there to contain his emotional reactivity. Of course at home, it was quite another matter, despite their hours of rehearsal in the therapist's office.

In a less reactive relationship, the therapist's advice wouldn't be so bad. It's questionable whether it would help, but it wouldn't do any harm. If Gary could regulate his emotions, he might have appreciated Estelle's efforts to consider him in the way she phrased her requests; perhaps he would have become more empathic. But in the day-to-day reality of this walking-on-eggshells relationship, Gary felt guilty when Estelle made greater efforts to appease him. Predictably, he blamed it all on her -- she wasn't doing it right, her "I-statements" had an underlying accusatory tone, and she was trying to make him look bad.

By the way, research shows that therapists behave in their own relationships pretty much the same way that you do. In disagreements with their spouses, they fail just as much as you in trying to use the "communication-validation" techniques they make you do in their offices. They find it as tough as you and your husband do to put on the brakes when their own emotions and instinct to blame are going full throttle. After all, how is Mr. Hyde supposed to remember what Dr. Jeckyl learned in marriage counseling?

One popular marriage therapist and author has written that women in abusive marriages have to learn to set boundaries. "She needs to learn skills to make her message - 'I will not tolerate this behavior any longer' - heard. [The] hurt person [must] learn how to set boundaries that actually mean something." This is the therapeutic equivalent of a judge dismissing your law suit against vandals because you failed to put up a "Do not vandalize" sign. You have to wonder if this therapist puts post-its on valued objects in her office that clearly state, "Do not steal!"

Putting aside the harmful, inaccurate implication that women are abused because they don't have the "skill to set boundaries," this kind of intervention completely misses the point. Your husband's resentment, anger, or abuse comes from his substitution of power for value. It has nothing to do with the way you set boundaries or with what you argue about. It has to do with his violation of his deepest values. As we'll see in the chapter on removing the thorns from your heart, you will be protected, not by setting obvious boundaries that he won't respect, but by reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday sense of self. When you no longer internalize the distorted image of yourself that your husband reflects back to you, your husband will clearly understand that he has to change the way he treats you if he wants to save the marriage.

One of the reasons marriage therapy fails to help walking-on-eggshells relationships is that it relies on egalitarian principles. Noble an idea as it is, this approach can only work in a relationship in which the couple sees each other as equals. Remember, your husband feels that you control his painful emotions and, therefore, feels entitled to use resentment, anger, or abuse as a defense against you. He will resist any attempt to take away what he perceives to be his only defense with every tool of manipulation and avoidance he can muster. In other words, he is unlikely to give up his "edge" of moral superiority - he's right, you're wrong - for the give-and-take process required of couples' therapy. And should the therapist even remotely appear to "side" with you on any issue, the whole process will be dismissed as "sexist psychobabble."

Many men blame their wives on the way home from the therapist's office for bringing up threatening or embarrassing things in the session. Two couples I know were seriously injured in car crashes that resulted from arguments on the way home from appointments with therapists they worked with before I met them. I'm willing to bet that if you've tried marriage counseling, you've had a few chilly, argumentative, or abusive rides home from the sessions.

The trap that many marriage counselors fall into (taking you with them) is that resentment - the foundation of anger and abuse - can seem like a relationship issue. "I resent that you left your towel on the bathroom floor, because it makes me feel disregarded, like my father used to make me feel." But as we have seen, the primary purpose of resentment is to protect the vulnerability you feel (or he feels) from your low levels of core value. Please be sure you get this point: Low core value is not a relationship issue. You each have to regulate your own core value before you can begin to negotiate about behavior. In other words, if self-value depends on the negotiation, you can't make true behavior requests - if your "request" isn't met, you will retaliate with some sort of emotional punishment: "If you don't do this, I'll make you feel guilty (or worse)." Merely teaching the couple to phrase things differently reinforces the false and damaging notion that your partner is responsible for your core value and vice versa.

Many women live with resentful, angry, or abusive men who seem to the rest of the world to be "charmers." I've had cabinet secretaries, billionaires, movie stars, and TV celebrities for clients, all of whom could charm the fur off a cat, in public. Before they were referred to me, each one of these guys had been championed by marriage counselors who concluded that their wives were unreasonable, hysterical, or even abusive. They have no trouble at all playing the sensitive, caring husband in therapy. But in the privacy of their homes they sulk, belittle, demean, and even batter with the worst of them.

These men have gotten so good at charming the public, including their marriage counselors, because they've had lots of practice. Since they were young children, they've used charm and social skills to avoid and cover up a monumental collection of core hurts. Though it can be an effective strategy in social contexts, this masquerade falls flat on its face in an intimate one. If your husband is a charmer in public, his resentment, anger, or abuse at home is designed to keep you from getting close enough to see how inadequate and unlovable he really feels. In fooling the marriage counselor and the public at large, he makes a fool of you but an even bigger one of himself.

Why Your Psychotherapy Did Not Help Your Relationship and His Made It Worse
Research and clinical experience show that women in therapy tend to withhold important details about their walking-on-eggshells relationships. Most say that they're embarrassed to be completely honest with their therapists. One woman told me that she was convinced that her therapist, whom she thought was "awesome," wouldn't like her if she knew about the harsh emotional abuse at home. Though it is incredibly hard to believe, she saw that same therapist for five years without ever mentioning her husband's severe problems with anger and abuse. By the time I was called in, the woman was suffering from acute depression and anxiety that were destroying her physical health. When I spoke to the therapist, however, she had no clue about the abuse.

When therapists are aware that their clients are walking on eggshells at home, they feel almost bound to persuade the woman to leave the relationship. The most frequent complaint I hear from women who have undergone this kind of advocacy therapy is that they were reluctant to reveal the depth of their guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment to their disapproving therapists. Some have reported that their counselors would say things like, "After all he did to you, and you feel guilty?" I have heard hundreds of women report this kind of pressure from their therapists and have heard hundreds of therapists at conferences express exasperation about their clients' reluctance to leave their walking-on-eggshells relationships. The trainings I do for therapists worldwide always emphasize the utter necessity of compassion for their clients' enormous burden of guilt. Making hurt women feel ashamed of their natural (albeit irrational) feelings of guilt is intolerably bad practice. Compassion for her core hurts is the healthy way to help her heal her pain.

Despite these problems, your psychotherapy probably helped you a little, even though it did not help your relationship. Whether it helped your husband is another matter.
The goal of traditional psychotherapy is to reprocess painful experience in the hope of changing the way the client sees himself and his loved ones. If your husband's therapy unearthed painful experience from his past, without first teaching him basic emotional self-regulation, he most likely dealt with that pain in the only way he knew how -- by taking it out on you. He either seemed more entitled to display resentful, angry, or abusive behavior or used the pain of his past as an excuse for it. Here are the sort of things women hear from resentful, angry, or abusive men who are in therapy:

"With all I've had to put up with, don't you hassle me, too!"

"It's so hard being me, I shouldn't have to put with your crap, too!"

"I know I was mean to you, but with the pain I've suffered, you have to cut me some slack."

In defense of your husband's therapist, this approach is designed to make him more empathic to you eventually. But it takes a long time - a great many weekly one-hour sessions - before his sense of entitlement gives way to an appreciation of your feelings. And once he reaches that point, he has to deal with the guilt of how he's treated you in his "pre-empathic" years. For at least a few more months of slow-acting therapy, he'll feel guilty every time he looks at you. Without the skills offered in the Boot Camp section of this book, he'll either lash out at you for making him feel guilty or distance himself from the wrongly perceived source of his pain - you.
As we've already seen, marriage counselors have to make special efforts to build a working alliance with reluctant male clients. That formidable task is all the harder in the more intimate context of individual psychotherapy with a man who dreads exposing vulnerability, as just about all resentful, angry, or abusive men do. To establish and nurture this tenuous alliance, therapists will often employ a technique called "joining." He or she may validate your husband's feelings about your behavior, both for the sake of the therapeutic alliance and out of fear that he'll drop out of therapy, as most men do before making any real progress. Your resentful, angry, or abusive husband will likely interpret the best "joining" efforts of his therapist as reinforcement that he has been mostly right all along and you have been mostly wrong. To make matters worse, most therapists have a bias to believe what their clients tell them, even when they know that they're getting only half the story and a distorted half at that. This is a bit hard to swallow when you consider that many resentful, angry, or abusive men make their wives sound like Norman Bates's mother -- they're just minding their own business, when she comes screaming out of nowhere wielding a bloody knife.

If you were lucky enough to communicate with your husband's therapist - and that's something that most resentful, angry, or abusive men will not allow - you probably heard things like this.

"He's really trying, give him credit for that."

"As you know, he has so many issues to work through."

"We're starting to chip away at the denial."

The message to you is always, "Continue to walk on eggshells and hope that he comes around."

Why Anger-Management Didn't Work
Research shows that anger-management programs sometimes produce short-term gains, and that these all but disappear when follow-up is done a year or so later. That was almost certainly your experience if your husband took an anger-management class. They are especially ineffective with men whose wives have to walk on eggshells.

The worst kind of anger-management class teaches men to "get in touch with their anger" and to "get it out." The assumption here is that emotions are like 19th century steam engines that need to "let off steam" on a regular basis. These kinds of classes include things like punching bags and using foam baseball bats to club imaginary adversaries. (Guess who would be the imaginary victim of your husband's foam-softened clubbing?) Many studies have shown conclusively that this approach actually makes people angrier and more hostile, not to mention more entitled to act out their anger. Participants are training their brains to associate controlled aggression with anger. Could the designers of these programs really think women would be pleased that their men learned in anger-management class to fantasize about punching them with a foam bat?

Of course, there is a much better alternative to both "holding it in" and "getting it out." In the Boot Camp section of this book, your husband will learn to replace resentment, anger, and abusive impulses, with compassion for you.

Hopefully, your husband did not attend one of these discredited classes on anger expression. But you might not have been so lucky when it came to the second worse form of anger-management: "desensitization." In that kind of class your husband would mention your behaviors that "push his buttons," things like you "nagging" him. The instructor would then work to make those behaviors seem less "provocative" to him. The techniques include things like ignoring it, avoiding it, or pretending it's funny. Didn't you always dream that one day your husband would learn to be less angry by ignoring you and avoiding you or thinking that you're funny when you ask him about something serious?

Core hurts -- not specific behaviors -- trigger anger. If the class succeeds in making your husband less sensitive to you "nagging" him, he will nevertheless get irritable when you tell him you love him, as that will stir his guilt and inadequacy. Most important, you don't want him to become less sensitive to core hurts. Quite the opposite, as he becomes more sensitive to them, he will be more sensitive to you, provided that he learns how to regulate his feelings of inadequacy by showing compassion and love for you, which the Boot Camp section will help him to do.

Desensitizing doesn't work at all on resentment, which is the precursor to most displays of anger. Resentment is not simply a reflexive response to a specific event, to something you say or do. Resentment arouses the entire nervous system and works like a defensive system itself. That's why you don't resent just one or two or two hundred things. When you're resentful, you are constantly scanning the environment for any possible bad news, lest it sneak up on you. Anger-management classes try to deal with this constant level of arousal with techniques to manage it, that is, to keep your husband from getting so upset that he feels compelled to act out his anger. "Don't make it worse," is the motto of most anger-management classes. If he was aggressive they taught him to withdraw. If he shut down, they taught him to be more assertive. What they didn't teach him was how to stop blaming his core hurts on you and act according to his own deeper values. If attempts to manage anger don't appeal to core values, resentful men begin to feel like they're "swallowing it," or "going along to avoid an argument." This erodes their self-esteem and justifies, in their minds, occasional blow ups: "I am sick and tired of putting up with your crap!" Then they can feel self-righteous: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

In a love relationship, managing anger is not the point. You need to promote compassion, which is the only reliable prevention of resentment, anger, and abuse.

Dr. Steven Stosny has demonstrated his highly successful recovery program on such national television programs as "The Oprah Winfrey Show," "CBS Sunday Morning," and CNN's "Talkback Live" and "Anderson Cooper 360" and has appeared on numerous radio talk shows. He has been quoted by, or been the subject of articles in, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Washington Times, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, The Wall Street Journal, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, Mademoiselle, Women's World, O, The Oprah Magazine, Psychology Today, AP, Reuters, and USA Today. His website is http://compassionpower.com

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Wednesday

How to Know Your Mate is Abusive
This is the audio version of my article on this site "How to Know Your Mate is Abusive" and is also an excerpt from my book entitled: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate written by Nicholl McGuire.
Read More

Tuesday

Chemically Imbalanced Men and the Brainwashed Women Who Love Them
Some women have been repeatedly forewarned about the man in their life, yet they refuse to listen. What do you think will happen if they continue to stay in a troubled relationship? Here's what you need to share with a friend.
Read More

Monday

Cheating is Abusive

She told me for the umpteenth time about this man she once loved coming over to her home, plopping down in front of the television, eating, and then sleeping in her bed.

I guess it would have been okay if they had plans on getting married, but this wasn't the case. He got married while seeing her, weeks after the honeymoon he came back over to have sex. After his visits, he would send her text messages, and acted as if nothing was wrong. He had told her, "Listen I love my child's mother and I want to be with her, but we could still be friends." At first she was shocked, maybe she was still in shock because she did keep letting him in her bed.

Now the wife (after almost two years of on again off again sex) is pregnant and he keeps coming in and out of the ex-girlfriend's life, because she allows him! That's right, she allows such abuse to go on.

So what he is still sleeping with her and so what the wife is pregnant, but what is wrong so wrong about this situation is she just like a woman who has been physically abused repeatedly keeps letting this man hurt her emotionally. She makes excuses, lies and tells everyone what she won't tolerate. Those around her say, "Hmm, okay, yes, that's sad, what?" Either they don't want to hurt her by telling her the truth or they just don't care, whatever their reason, this poor woman is an emotional basket case.

As her real friend, I told her the truth. Look I couldn't sit around and hand her a tissue. No I handed her advice that I picked up from the School of Hard-Knocks. "You are better than him. You are capable of meeting a man, but you will need to give yourself some time to think things through, heal from the drama, and start loving yourself. When you do this, you will be able to attract love in your life. Tell him how you feel. But most of all distance yourself from him. End it." I said more but I can't remember everything and my quotes aren't as accurate as they were that day, but you get the idea.

While she was distancing herself, she had learned that he was lying and he had other women before, during, and after her. "Hope you used a condom with him I said." Just imagine being cheated on not just with one other person, but many others and sometimes he used a condom and sometimes he didn't.

During the time they dated, while she was wondering where he was, he was naked in the bed with a woman here and there and then climbing into her bed. This is a truth that hurts to the core of your being -- it makes some women go mad ripping things up, keying cars, slashing tires, stalking their partners, even threatening to kill the other woman!

This sounds like an old story I went through minus the wife, the insanity (at least on my part) and the pregnancy. You talk about emotional abuse, this is it! You almost obsess over where he is going, what he is telling you, and you fight with the temptation to check his phone, the websites he has visited, and even follow him wherever he goes. You see, you get caught in this crazy web, because you know he is lying.

Rather than play these immature games with him, start living your life without him while your still with him. What I mean by that is don't ask him anything about his whereabouts, stop calling him, and definitely don't put yourself at risk sleeping with him without protection. Instead, create a plan for your life that will keep you so busy and provide you with enough income to say, "Goodbye drama!" It is so liberating to be able to go and come as you please without worrying over a man.

It is absolutely wonderful to find someone who you are compatible with and isn't interested in anyone but you. It is a wonderful experience to look at other women and no longer worry over whether she is the one who slept with your man. But this kind of freedom doesn't come without sacrifice, you have to let him go, you just have to; otherwise, you will keep burning up the telephone lines with yet another story to tell your friends that makes you look foolish.

Nicholl McGuire

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - 7 Ways You Can Make a Difference

You may have heard a story about domestic violence, been a victim yourself or just don't understand why women stay, whatever your reason for being interested in Domestic Violence Awareness, you are at least making an attempt to educate yourself and possibly help someone else and that's all anyone who once was a victim and those who are now deceased would want, but for those people who want to do more, the following are tips to help you get started.

First, conduct research about domestic violence. You should be able to answer some of the why, how, when, what, and who questions related to the subject. Also, read about others' plights. Even though many of the stories have similar patterns, there is always something new in each that may stimulate thoughts of " I never knew that."

Second, be sure that you are sincerely empathetic and not judgmental about those who have been in violent relationships. You will know if you have resolved your own issues about women who stay, by how you react when listening to their stories. If you find that you are pushing down negative feelings and trying hard to refrain from making harsh comments, then it would be best that you don't attend any events or visit places where people are sharing their traumatic ordeals until you can get a command over your own feelings. The last thing that any victim or survivor wants is another person telling them "how stupid" he or she is for staying.

Third, conduct research in your community of existing events about domestic violence awareness. Are there any groups hosting a vigil for the deceased? What about workshops and seminars? Are there any advertisements, public service announcements, fliers, or some other literature readily available and widely seen in your neighborhood to call attention to the problem.

Fourth, find out from local police how they respond to domestic violence calls and what you should do if you hear or witness someone being abused.

Fifth, create a list of ways you may be able to let people know about domestic violence. You may want to distribute information and trinkets with a hotline number and/or create a fund-raiser and give the proceeds to a local women's shelter. Take out ad space in your local newspaper. If you are affiliated with a church, find out how leadership handles domestic violence cases and offer to speak about the issue. You can also work with schools and local colleges to appear as a guest speaker.

Sixth, pen your experience in a form of a book or record your story on audio. Let people know how you overcame your own situation. Then offer your book or audio to individuals or organizations who might be interested in your subject matter. A local theater may be interested in performing your life story in play form.

Lastly, be a good listener. Know what to say and how to say it when someone shares details of their life. Be ready to provide advice. You can obtain information from any women's shelter or simply type in "domestic violence" along with your state's name in your search engine window. A list of organizations are already established with free information to help you.

Nicholl McGuire, Author
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306

Sunday

Men, Are You in a Codependent Relationship With a Needy, Controlling, Or Emotionally Volatile Woman?

What is codependency?

I've known numerous men who have been in relationships with clingy, needy, overly-emotional, jealous, and controlling women. These men are frustrated with what they perceive as their girlfriend's flaws. They often don't realize that their own behavior is contributing to the unhealthy relationship and allowing it to persist.

These men are often stuck in codependent relationships. The term "codependent" is commonly used to refer to individuals who are overly reliant on their partners, using them as a crutch and not wanting to leave their side. However, it can apply to any unhealthy emotional dependency. When a man stays in a relationships with a clingy, jealous, critical partner, he feels dependent on her approval.

Any man with a high level of self-esteem and healthy attitude towards relationships would not tolerate such a relationship. He'd either take action to stop the pattern, or simply leave. Men who get stuck in a codependent relationship, on the other hand, end up pursuing an endless pattern of trying to please their partner, and feeling frustrated when their desire for freedom conflicts with their partners need for rigid conformity to her needy patterns of behavior.

All relationships should have plenty of mutual acceptance, space to be alone, time with friends (of both genders), and respect. Often, codependent relationships are lacking these things.

There are two dynamics going on in such relationships:

1) Her issues (often revolving around low self-esteem) prompt her to be controlling, jealous and overly sensitive .

2) Your issues (often involving shame and the desire to please) prompt you to stay in an unhealthy relationship -- despite the stress and dissatisfaction -- for fear of disappointing her.

Are you in a Codependent Relationship?

If you're in a codependent relationship with a controlling or needy woman, you might find that the relationship is especially restrictive. Some common traits of these relationships include:

You have to always let her know where you are

When you're out, you have to speak on the phone multiple times a day

You are discouraged from keeping female friends

She takes an active dislike of some of your friends and/or family, and feels offended that you would have them as part of your life

She attempts to control your internet usage, or monitors your email and other online communications (Facebook, etc.)

She shows excessive jealousy

She has difficulty letting petty issues go, and instead insists that you both talk about them at length

She mistrusts you and casts a suspicious eye, even if you've done nothing wrong

She's often critical of your behavior

You find yourself often "walking on eggshells" around her
Your friends tell you that you shouldn't put up with her, but you feel the need to stay

You can't speak your mind because you're too afraid of how she'll react
You've considered breaking up for a long time, but you don't want to break her heart
You feel that she may not be able to live without you, or you've tried to break up and she threatened drastic action (quitting her job, hurting herself, etc.)

These are just a few possible indicators of a codependent relationship, and by no means is an exhaustive list.

What's Wrong with Codependent Relationships?

Relationships should be places of comfort and acceptance, and they should be avenues to expanding your horizons, not restricting them. Relationships should add joy to one's life, and though they often hit rough patches, a relationship shouldn't be a constant burden. Codependent relationships can be so stressful and restrictive that the men involved often reach a boiling point, blowing-up at their partner. It's like a release valve, and after the pressure dissipates a bit, they fall right back into the pattern.

It's up to these men to determine whether they want to remain in that relationship or find their way to freedom. If you see yourself described in this article, take hope -- many men are stuck in similar situations, and there is a way out. I've written eBook especially for guys like you -- it's affordable to all men who desire to get out of unhealthy relationships. If you feel that you need to leave your relationship but fear the consequences of leaving, my eBook on ending unhealthy relationships will guide you to do so as quickly and compassionately as possible.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships. Ladies can find breakup guidance here, and men can find help here.

Animal Abuse Linked to Domestic Abuse

While it is a sick and sad thing to think about, animal abuse happens every day. There are many reasons why some people commit such horrible crimes. In many cases however, it has been proven time and time again that there is a link between animal abuse and domestic abuse. Those who commit acts of violence against lovers, children, and animals tend to do so because they feel empowered. They feel as though they can teach someone a lesson because the person or animal they are beating on is weaker than they are. This must stop. But when will it?

Pets are a big part of homes that have children. In fact, 74.8 percent of the homes that have children, ages six and up, in them will have at least one pet. Women are the primary caregivers in three fourths of these homes. Reports collected from interviews with women in United States and Canadian domestic violence shelters show that about 70 percent have been witness to violence towards the animals in the home, from the abuser who attacked them.

Women actually will stay in an abusive home longer simply because of a fear of leaving pets behind. They fear that the pets will be killed or harmed in some way and so they stay in hopes of protecting the animals. These women fear that by leaving the home, the pets could easily become the targets.

Making a Difference

When police officers are now called to the scene of domestic violence, they now look for animal abuse as well. There is special training out there for law enforcement officials so that they can spot animal abuse. And since homes with domestic violence have a high likelihood of animal abuse, it is important to make sure that an eye is kept open. If a police officer finds an abused pet, a call must be placed to an animal shelter for assistance in removing and caring for the animal.

Temporary Pet Housing

Since many women stay in abusive homes for longer than they should be fear of leaving their pets, domestic violence shelters, humane societies, veterinarians, and other organizations are teaming up to make sure that there is safe and adequate shelter for the animals. This would be temporary housing. By providing a safe place for the animals, the women can leave quicker and the animals will not be left behind to be abused.

Protection from Abuse Orders for Pets

Many people already know that a protection from abuse order prevents the abuser from going near the person or persons that they have harmed. This means that the home, children, workplace, and vehicles must be avoided or the abuser can be arrested. But up until recently, there was nothing in place that legally kept the abuser from the family pets. Now, there are some states that include pets and other family animals, such as livestock, in their protection from abuse orders.

It is not yet a perfect system and who knows if there will ever be such a thing. For now, all we can do is to make changes in the law when we notice that changes are needed. The more steps we take to protect our pets, the better the entire world will be, for both human and animal victims.

This article was written by Kelly Marshall of http://www.ohmydogsupplies.com - offering the best dog supplies, such as chew resistant dog toys, at great prices.

Thursday

Everything Costs, Nothing is for Free!

Whether you give your time, street or email address, you are giving something away usually to get something. I am asking you to support my book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. In abusive relationships, women and men are giving something away too -- their lives! Some are doing it fully aware of the consequences and others are too blind to see what is happening before them. Since my last posting to this site a young woman who was suppose to get my book died. She was hit by a car trying to run away from her abuser and died. Would my book have touched her heart? I don't know, but if my book can touch someone you know who is in a similar situation then why not get it for them before it's too late?

I was a victim of dating/domestic violence in 1996 and then I became a survivor the following year! However, the years following would require spiritual counseling, prayer, and family. Some of you reading this are already aware of my book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. Others are not. This book not only tells my story in poetry form, but it challenges you to think about your current relationship. In the coming months, my new book will be out entitled, "Laboring to Love Myself." This book is not only about the ups and downs of loving oneself, but it too, causes you to look inward and reflect on whether you are in fact satisfied with who you are and if not, how is your disatisfaction with self contributing to your daily struggle with relating to family, friends, co-workers, and achieving your goals?

Those of you who know me, know that I am a deep thinker and I don't waste time writing or pondering over foolishness. If you want to be a part of spreading a postive word to people in need of help, get behind books that are about assisting people. Locate my book link on this site and buy it. If you want to be a part of the next project "Laboring to Love Myself" and you too have a story to tell then send me an email if you are in my Facebook network or leave a comment on this site and I will get back to you. God bless!

Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

Systemic Abuse: The Challenge Facing Domestic Abuse Survivors

Far too often, domestic abuse survivors go from the frying pan to the fire on their way out of an abusive relationship. And they wonder how this can happen. While it doesn’t always happen, it’s more common than most people realize.

I lived systemic abuse; I write about it, I know it from the core of my being. But, I never understood it so thoroughly until I was asked to explain it to someone whose life was altered dramatically by it.

What is “systemic abuse?” The word “systemic” is defined as “relating to or referring to the whole organism.”

I liken systemic abuse to any systemic disease. It erodes the very elements that sustain the organism. Systemic abuse, as I see it, is the manifestation of abuse by that deemed to protect the abused. The net result: the perpetuation of domestic violence by the very systems that purport to stop it.

Survivors of domestic abuse far too often meet systemic abuse face-to-face in their efforts to seek safety from an abusive partner. She can be the defendant in a domestic abuse arrest, the party restrained by an ex-parté order of protection, the protective parent with supervised visitation or the battered mother cut out of her abused children’s lives.

These victims are black, white, yellow and many of mixed origin. They are rich, poor, professional and many without technical skills. There are as many variations of the story of systemic abuse as there are people living it. And when it’s yours, you know it; not only do you feel violated, but you also see no aid, no options and you that learn you are your first responder.

What causes systemic abuse?

A) The systemic abuse players’ greed, ignorance and absence of their professional ethics and fiduciary responsibility.

B) The intimate partner abuser’s need to save face, get even and, last but not least, to maintain control.

When you put the pathology of a perpetrator together with an economically driven industry or with a blind legal and/or healthcare system, you get the most perverted self-sustaining abuse dynamic that you could ever imagine. Sadly, the mere placement of the intimate partner abuser together with the players of systemic abuse may even led to the perpetrator falling prey to the systemic abuse.

I’ve seen many cases where systemic abusers keep perpetrators engaged with promises to carry out their mission to destroy their victims. Once they have turned the batterer upside down and shaken every dime out of his pockets, systemic abusers let the perpetrator go. Then, there are those batterers who rise above this ploy by filing for bankruptcy when the game is over.

How do you know you are engaged in systemic abuse?

There are a few compelling tip-offs that evidence systemic abuse.

A) Law enforcement denies you the right to press charges or file a complaint for a documented breach of the criminal law.

B) Your civil attorney throws your case to opposing counsel.

C) The court agents don’t/won’t/can’t see you for who you are, but rather only as your perpetrator desires you to be portrayed.

D) Your children’s desperate cries for help are muffled, and their pleas for safety fall upon deaf ears.

E) The healthcare system falls into your perpetrator’s hand and becomes an accomplice in your demise.

F) Opposing counsel plays psychiatrist—without a license, much less a knowledge base—when the court psychiatrist won’t/can’t give you a psychiatric diagnosis.

When it’s all over, normal people scratch their heads trying to understand your net outcome. And those individuals that care about you genuinely struggle to wrap their brains around the absurdity of your irrational, tragic predicament. In utter confusion, they say, “How can this happen?” “It can’t, but it did.” you silently think to yourself.

What should you do when you are entangled in systemic abuse?

A) Take care of yourself: your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.

B) Keep your eyes open: know your rights and know the laws affecting your case.

C) Understand the abuse dynamic objectively and subjectively: learn the subtle communication patterns of abusive relationships and cultivate trust in your gut.

D) Play your cards carefully: read and understand everything presented to you, and secure what’s not presented to you that is relevant to you.

E) Recognize and understand social judicial politics: be mindful that what can’t be done doesn’t mean it won’t be done.

F) Find an excellent, credible consultant who knows the enigma of systemic abuse, before you settle too deep into its devastation.

With all this in place, you can fan off the dragon. You can thrive and so can your children. We have helped hundreds of women hold their own through the roughest tides. If you need help contact, Dr. Jeanne King Consultants, LLC at the link below in the author biography section.

While it is true we are available to help those dealing with systemic abuse, the true intention of this article is to serve as a public service for domestic abuse survivors. My goal is to make the silent crime of systemic abuse, afflicting thousands of women every year, visible. So visible that the day will come when people see systemic abuse and they say, “Oh yes, people rob banks;” rather than, “Oh my God, how can this happen!”

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., psychologist, author and speaker, helps people identify and stop domestic abuse. Developer of the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen, http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com, Dr. King serves as a consulting expert http://www.DrJeanneKing.com Dr. Jeanne King Consultants, LLC

Wednesday

Women: Are you accepting the truth that he is giving you or are you in denial?

As women, we have a bad habit of denying the truth that sits right in front of our eyes! When we aren't ready to accept what someone has told us or did to us, we try to ignore the signs. We talk ourselves out of what we see and hear from the man who has rejected us. We blame ourselves. We try to rationalize our man's past erratic behavior. Instead of being in denial, we need to come to terms with the truth that sits right between our eyes. If he says he doesn't love us -- accept it! If he says he doesn't want to live with us -- accept it! We, as women, have this twisted ideology about love. We try to reword what he is telling us to make us feel comfortable. We try to persuade him to change his mind. The reality is he meant what he said and he said what he meant. Now if he deviates from his script, we have to reason that he wants something from us, and unfortunately it usually is a night or two of sex. Then he is back to preaching how he doesn't want to be with you, the relationship isn't working, etc. Of course he will act this way, because he got what he wanted, but what about you? Did he give you the committed relationship you were looking for? Did he fulfill his promises? Did he put you first before his work, family, friends, etc.?

Listen, we as women need to stop advising our girlfriends to "stick it out...stay with him...he really loves you!" Consider the source, your girlfriend may have a great relationship, bad relationship, or none at all. She may have the kind of man that confuses or deceives her and so she walks around in a bubble herself. She may also suffer from a case called, "denial" too. So let her advice go in one ear and out the other. Accept your man's truth. If he said, he doesn't want you, he doesn't! In case you are in search of a website that speaks to this issue of denial and acceptance when it comes to relationships, visit http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/denialvsacceptance.html

How to Recognize Your Husband's Midlife Crisis

If you haven't experienced any abuse before with your partner, and now within recent years he seems to be verbally or physically abusive, consider this...he may be going through a midlife crisis. Is there really anything that a woman can do to help herself when she is in a situation where she has spent years trying to build a life with him only for him to say one day, "I'm bored...you changed...things are different...I want out!" Maybe there is, click the following link:
http://www.enotalone.com/article/4997.html and may God be with you in this challenging time!

Alcohol Abuse Effects - 5 Physical Effects Of Alcohol Abuse

Alcohol abuse effects can be far-reaching and devastating. The effects of alcohol abuse not only have consequences for the drinker but those around her or him as well. Alcohol abuse effects can be both psychological and physical. Alcohol consumption causes changes in behavior. The physical effects of alcohol abuse can be experienced with as little as one or two drinks. Impaired judgment and coordination needed to operate a car safely may result in the drinker having an accident.

Alcoholism is an illness where alcoholic beverage consumption is at a level that interferes with physical or mental health, and negatively impacts social, family or occupational responsibilities. Alcohol abusers are drinkers that may drink excessively at various times with resulting immediate alcohol abuse effects at the time of excess alcohol consumption.

The immediate physical effects of alcohol abuse can be experienced as soon as ten minutes after drinking begins. With continued alcohol consumption on that occasion, the immediate effects of alcohol abuse worsen and become more serious.

Here are five of the immediate physical alcohol abuse effects:

1. Inhibitions Become Reduced - at a blood alcohol concentration of 0.05, changes in a person's behavior begins to be noticable. Alcohol abuse effects and reduced inhibitions can put a person at higher risk for actions they would otherwise not participate in, such as sexual activity, continued drinking or illegal drug use.

2. Loss of Muscle Control - at the level of 0.10, slurred speech will likely be evident. Impaired judgement and poor coordination are physical effects of alcohol abuse that can lead to falls and accidents.

3. Memory Loss and/or Blackouts - since alcohol depresses the brain's control mechanisms, as blood alcohol levels increase, periods of time and certain situations and events may not be remembered afterward.

4. Stupor - at a blood alcohol concentration of 0.40, a person can hardly function, acting seriously dazed and confused.

5. Coma - at a blood alcohol level of 0.50, a person is at risk for coma, which can be life-threatening. And at this level or higher, respiratory paralysis and death become very much a possibility.

Other alcohol abuse effects that are short-term include nausea, hangovers, headaches and fatigue. The longer a person abuses alcohol over time, the higher the chances of other alcohol abuse effects being experienced and alcohol dependency developing. The most severe form of alcoholism is 'alcohol dependency'. Physical alcohol dependence is characterized by withdrawal symptoms when alcohol consumption is interrupted, by tolerance to the effects of alcohol abuse and by the presence of alcohol-related illnesses.

Malnutrition can develop from a reduced appetite plus inadequate absorption of nutrients in the intestinal tract and from consuming 'empty' calories in alcohol. Calories from alcohol are called 'empty' calories since alcohol contains no beneficial nutrients, vitamins or minerals.

And with continued alcohol consumption and abuse over years, many of the body organs will be affected. Alcohol is especially harmful to the liver since the liver does most of the work of breaking down alcohol. Alcohol destroys liver cells, and it destroys the ability of liver cells to regenerate. This condition leads to progressive imflammatory injury to the liver and eventually can result in cirrhosis of the liver.

Additional long term alcohol abuse effects include damage to the brain, high blood pressure, heart muscle damage, nerve damage, pancreatitis, bleeding in the esophagus, erectile dysfunction in men, fetal alcohol syndrome in the offspring of alcoholic women, insomnia, depression and increased cancer risks.

If you or someone you know may have problems with alcohol and you'd like to learn more about alcoholism and perhaps seek help, there are proven resources available. It is never too late to begin recovery from alcohol addiction and alcohol abuse effects.

Read more about alcoholism signs you should know at http://www.safemenopausesolutions.com/alcoholism-signs.html - Olinda Rola is President of InfoSearch Publishing and webmaster of http://www.safemenopausesolutions.com - a website of natural health articles and resources for healthier living.

Friday

Being a Victim: A Competition?

I think some women converse about injuries such as a black eye, missing teeth, burned body part, or choking experience with other victims as if they are in some kind of dark competition. For example, I hear some try to outdo one another by saying things like, "What he did to you...look at what he did to me..." As if the more abuse you have received at the hands of your abuser, the more so-called experience you are in situations such as these! Give me a break! It's nonsense...the way I see it some women have embraced this twisted concept of "once a victim always a victim, so let me show you how bad he hurt me!"

The person who has recovered from the abuse and considers herself no longer a victim, but a survivor, doesn't care about your scars or how many you have as compared to hers, all she is listening for in your story is "so have you learned anything?" Some of these "abuse braggers" I call them, usually haven't learned much of anything from their experiences! From 20 plus to 60 plus some of these women are still settling with men that are hurting them in some capacity. They will compare the current man with the last, saying things like "At least he isn't beating me!" No, he may not be hitting you, but the new guy is verbally abusing you. No, he may not be torturing you, but the new guy may be emotionally abusing you by not talking to you when he doesn't get his way. No, he may not be pushing or shoving you like the last guy, but he is pushing and shoving you away from your family, friends, interests, and other things in life!

So these "abuse braggers" who think that it is perfectly okay to boast, mind you, about their story while offering no wisdom behind their experiences, should be kept out of your support system. With them, you will get nothing more then a foolish comment like the following, "He knocked your teeth out, well at least you can get false ones, I have to limp around on one leg!"

Tuesday

Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse - Overt and Covert

Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", the old adage, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me," is not at all true. Just as physical abuse is wounding the to body, verbal abuse is deeply wounding to the soul.

If you grew up in a verbally and/or emotionally abusive family, you might not realize when you are being abusive and when you are being abused.

Behind verbal and emotional abuse is always about a desire to control the other person - to have power over the other's feelings and actions.

Verbal abuse includes:

• Being Irritable, impatient, and argumentative
• Blaming anger, unpredictable anger, hostility, explosiveness, jealousy
• Blaming the other for the abuser's behavior
• Demanding, ordering
• Being critical and judgmental

Verbal abuse is also emotionally abusive, but emotional abuse may not look verbally abusive. Often emotional abuse is more subtle and covert than overt verbal abuse.

Emotional abuse includes:

• Lack of empathy
• Withholding and withdrawing
• Defining another with seeming kindness: "Honey, You're just a bad driver"
• Discounting another's feelings and opinions
• Being nice to others but not to a partner
• Being competitive
• Acting like the victim
• Quick come-backs or joking put-downs

It is vitally important for people at the other end of verbal or emotional abuse to understand that you DO NOT CAUSE AN ABUSER TO BE ABUSIVE, and that there is no excuse or justification for any form of abuse.

Once you understand that you do not cause abusers to be abusive, perhaps you can also understand that there is nothing you can do to have control over getting an abuser to see or understand what he or she is doing, or how hurtful it is to you, or to understand your point of view. There is no way of having a rational discussion because, when someone is deeply attached to having power and control over another, they don't WANT to understand or work it out.

Abuse comes from feeling very powerless, from not being able to handle fear, loneliness, heartache, and helplessness over others. Abusers want to have control over getting others to do what they want so they don't have to feel their painful feelings. Trying to talk things out is often the last thing they want to do. They just want to win - to have their way. However, there are things you can do to not be a victim of verbally abusive behavior. (Physical abuse is another matter. It is imperative to find a way to leave a relationship that is physically dangerous to you or your children.)

Patricia Evans, in the above-mentioned book, states that what abusers really want is connection. Because they are so disconnected from themselves - from their own feelings and from a spiritual source of comfort and guidance - they are desperate to connect with another person. But for them connection is more like ownership, rather than authentic connection based on mutuality and caring. When you engage with an abuser through explaining, defending, trying to understand, or complying, you are giving the abuser what he or she wants - some level of connection. It's important to recognize that, while you are never causing an abuser to abuse, you might be feeding the abuse with your response.

If you are in a relationship with a verbal/emotional abuser and you are not ready to leave the relationship, you might want to try NOT connecting at ALL with the abuser when there is any level of abuse. By completely disengaging from any abusive interaction, or at the most saying an incredulous, "What?" (which Evans recommends in "Controlling People") and then disengaging by singing a "happy song" (a simple song that you sing in your mind to stop thinking about the interaction), you might have a chance of stopping the cycle of abuse.

The challenge in taking this action in your own behalf is to learn to disengage both physically and energetically - which is why singing your happy song is so important. Singing moves you out of your programmed reactive left-brain wounded self and into your spiritually-connected right-brain, energetically stopping your engagement in the interaction.

While disengaging in this way doesn't guarantee that your relationship will heal, it may be the only possibility you have other than leaving. Perhaps it worth a try!

About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Saturday

The Silent Treatment is Abusive

You may have experienced the silent treatment. In case you aren't familiar with this type of abuse, it's when a man or woman walks around for days, weeks or even months upset about something and refuses to talk with you about what ails them. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and you don't have a clue what is going on with them. So you ask them repeatedly, "What's wrong?" And they either say, "nothing" or continue to make you feel there is something wrong without telling you what it is. The suspense kills you, eats you up inside and sometimes you feel as if you are walking on egg shells. There are times when you will play over and over in your head the last conversation you had, what you said, what he or she said, and still come up with nothing. Meanwhile, he or she continues to punish you with silence. They refuse to be affectionate. They act as if they want nothing to do with you, and even if they do want something from you, they will get it and then go back to being angry again.

The only way you can get anything out of them is to press them to say something, wait for a response, press them to say something again, wait for a response or say or do something to make them react. The sad part about this behavior is that all of the tactics of trying to get them to talk could be avoided without the silent treatment punishment. This type of behavior is considered abusive because it is a means of control. He or she is attempting to get you to behave the way they want by being silent. In order to get out of this abusive type of situation, what you will have to do is confront him or her on their tactic and remind them that you will not accept this type of behavior. Explain to them that you would like for him or her to talk with you as a situation arises. If they continue to behave in this way, prepare to leave.

Relationships are for adults, people who use silence as a way to control another are nothing more than toddlers having a temper tantrum, because they either fear confrontation, find satisfaction in punishing you using it or think that you will suddenly realize what they are angry about and bring it out of them.

Written by Nicholl McGuire for more articles by this writer visit http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Monday

But I Love Him...

You may have heard a relative, friend or even yourself say, "But I love him..." when someone points out something wrong in your relationship and encourages you to break up with your partner. Usually people who say, "but I love him..." are really saying, "but I don't want to hurt his feelings or mine." You see, people like to put off pain for as long as they can. Sure, the girlfriend may have an abusive partner, and yes she is in plenty enough pain physically, but emotional pain is something different. If you are a mother you know that the physical pain you experience during childbirth is nothing compared to the emotional pain you feel when someone close to you dies. At least with childbirth, you have a chance to catch your breath between contractions, but when someone dies that ache lasts for some their entire lifetime!

So when the abused woman says, "But I love him..." she isn't ready to let go, because to let go means that she will have to start training her heart and mind to let go of him too, something that takes hard work to do. You see, in her mind she has to awake each day and realize that she is starting a new day by herself. There is no one around that will argue and fight her. There is no one to be concerned about outside of herself and that scares her. Some people rather deal with drama then be alone. For them they grew up with drama and to live without it, tells them that something is wrong in their life. This is what a twisted childhood will do for you, entangle your common sense. Make you feel that what is good is bad and what is bad is good.

The only thing that anyone can do for an abused woman who still loves her man is to sit back and watch the movie. No matter what you say, she can't help how she feels at least not yet. For some abused women, they have to find something in their life that they love more than him. The day that she finds it and he denies her that thing, is the day that she will make up in her mind he isn't worth it. Whatever that thing is it could be a pair of panties or a high-paying job that she really wants and if that abusive man challenges her about it and she has it in her heart that she wants it, he better be ready for a fight! If she hadn't been hitting him before, she will start now! "All I wanted was to use the credit card to buy a pair of panties and you wouldn't let me do that! All I needed was to go on the interview and I know I would have been hired, but you had to keep me from the only thing I wanted!"

When you or your abused relative or friend makes up in her mind that she is so much better than the situation she is in, she will walk. The seeds of doubt regarding her relationship, the idea of escape, and the reminders of love that you and others gave her is sufficient, now all she needs to do is act like the man in the Bible who Jesus told to "Get up and walk!" That should be the prayer you pay for your friend, "Dear God speak to (NAME) right now! Tell her to walk out the relationship. Protect her from all harm and danger. Give her the strength to fight if necessary. Remind her of what her family and friends have been telling her and give her the confidence and courage she needs to stand on her own two feet in Jesus name Amen.

Thursday

California Residents: A One Stop Source for Contact Info. Re: Abuse

If you know someone that is being abused or you are a victim yourself, the help out there is enourmous! Rather than looking all over the Internet for credible sources, I have listed a website that has many of them listed in the State of California. You can find your state's information by scrolling to the bottom of the website. Just click the following link:

http://www.divorcesource.com/shelters/california.shtml

Tuesday

Poetry Book About Dating, Domestic Violence, Falling In & Out of Love

Domestic violence reared its ugly head when Nicholl McGuire, a young college student met a man ten years older back in 1996.

In her first book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Nicholl struggles with whether she should stay or leave her abuser in a series of poems that chronicle her hellish nine-month experience. Her roller coaster ride of emotions in the book provide valuable insight on the struggles abused women face when making a decision to help or escape their abusers.

“This book isn’t for the woman who has already left the relationship,” Nicholl says. “Instead, it’s for the woman who is contemplating on leaving the relationship and the woman whose still convinced she can help her lover come hell or high water. Readers will be advised, encouraged, and challenged to examine their own relationships through self-analysis questions that appear at the bottom of most pages in the book.” When asked why she wrote this book, Nicholl explains, “I wrote it because I remember feeling alone and further isolated from well meaning family and friends when they would ask, “Why do you stay?” All they could tell me was “leave him” once they found out about the abuse, but I didn’t know how. I had grown too deep into the relationship to find a path of escape.” Also included in the book are signs of an abusive mate and helpful resources.

This book has been published by CreateSpace.com http://www.createspace.com/3332346 and Lulu.com (http://stores.lulu.com/nichollmcguire)

Nicholl is a published poet and freelance writer. With over 15 years experience in print journalism, she is helping people improve their relationships one article and one blog at a time, visit http://www.associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Monday

Relationship Dating: Call the Police if You Have to

This has gotten past the point of ridiculous. You are not naive and have always understood that all dating relationships have their ups and downs. That also includes a fair amount of arguing.

Everyone is different so there are bound to be occasional conflicts of opinion from time to time. That's how relationships work.

But your dating partner has gone off the charts one too many times for you to ignore it anymore. Irritated turns into anger very quickly and then they fly into a rage that at times is out of control. And yes on more than one occasion it has scared the daylights out of you. Afterwards they calm down and apologize profusely (or do they?) and promise you it will never happen again.

You've heard that before but it keeps happening and each time it gets a little more severe.

For some people in a relationship, they look at this as a challenge to overcome. They decide that they are strong enough to not only take it but give it back in full force if necessary. By standing up to the other person, they figure that eventually they will be able to change them.

And truthfully from time to time things work out exactly like that. Their spouse or dating partner wants to change and puts every effort into doing so. They still have the temper but they learn to handle it better.

But the key phrase is "want to change". Many people that blow their stack on a regular basis don't see anything wrong with it. As a matter of fact they think the problem is you.

If only you wouldn't "make" them act this way then they would never get angry. Don't fall for this line. You get upset too but that doesn't mean you fly into a rage when things don't go your way. Be on guard against this sort of blame shifting.

The bottom line is you may be dating a walking time bomb. You never know what is going to set them off, how long it will last or how far they will go. No matter how much you like the person it's not a good feeling to be constantly walking around on egg shells. Being on the defensive increases their power and makes you weaker.

And at what point will they get physical with you? Someone who is always a half a blink away from flipping out can decide in their minds that if they are justified heaping verbal abuse on you than maybe some bodily violence toward you is equally justified.

When they go off next time, call the police if you have too but do yourself a bigger favor pay attention to the warning signs and your own common sense before it ever gets to that point. You are in this dating relationship to enjoy the company not fear for your peace of mind and physical safety.

Article written by Daryl Campbell – The Relationship Tip – Despite our best intentions and efforts sometimes things just don’t work out. But there is a better way

Friday

Spiritual Abuse: Are You in Labor?

Women who have been victims of dating and domestic violence are the most suceptible to spiritual abuse in my opinion. You see, having gone through dating and domestic violence, I found myself open to anyone who would tell me, "Jesus loves you!"

I was eager to return to my roots. I participated in a liquid fast for 40 days and nights to seek God's face under the urging of the Holy Spirit -- I was literally sold out for God! But just as Jesus was tempted at the end of his fast by the devil, so was I. He came to me in the form of false angels inviting me to all sorts of false churches and I accepted every invite. At some point I would end up defending my belief in God with tears in my eyes to a group of people who reminded me of my sin. They treated me as if I was under interrogation down at a police station.

So I pose this question to you, are you in labor with an abusive mate called, "Spiritual Abuse"? Is he or she pressuring you with statements like "if you just pay your tithes, attend this service, give your time, date me, keep quiet, be submissive, buy my book, watch my dvd, invite your family, recruit five people..." that he will give you what you want a bed to sleep, a check to cash, sex for the moment, the lead part in the play, a position in a group, a job in the community, a record deal, a business or something else? If so, then you are serving a different kind of god preaching a different kind of gospel!

Just as the pregnant woman who gives birth on the hospital bed screams, "Help!" That is what God is awaiting for you to say to him, "Help!" The Holy Spirit has been speaking to you a long time about leaving the church, but you are scared! So you have been told, certain brothers and sisters in Christ who left the church had bad things happen to them, and you don't want to be next. What happened to that scripture you learned about "God not giving you the spirit of fear?"
Spiritual abuse is a real problem in the church. It causes one to become dependant on the church for just about everything. It condemns, belittles, judges, betrays, lies, hurts, isolates, ruins, shuns, and sends many to hell! Wake up!

If you are the relative or friend of someone who has lost their mind in the church, help them to come back to their senses by first educating yourself about spiritual abuse so that you will know how to best discuss matters in the church with them. Very often people don't get through to loved ones, because they don't know how to talk to them.

However, if you are the one in the church wondering why do I feel as if I am ready to give birth to something good in my life, but the church keeps holding me back, investigate! Find out what others are saying about their experiences. Read the word for yourself, "Study and show thyself approved unto God...rightly dividing the word of truth," the way God intended. Fast and pray on your own and you will be amazed at what you'll learn about yourself and those around you.


Nicholl McGuire
Inspiring and thought-provoking, YouTube Channel http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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