The victim turned partner in crime wants to look good in the eyes of his or her hot-tempered husband or wife and doesn't want him or her to know that there has been some talking going on. Whether the hurting individual feels guilty for sharing information or worried that something might come out that he or she doesn't want to, there will be some manipulating of information that will take place to protect one's self. What better way to get a troubled partner off the victim's back then to redirect the attention from a dysfunctional relationship on to those outsiders such as: friendly advisers, exs, aging parents, challenging children, trouble-making co-workers, etc.? The victim talks to her abuser about how "This one is the problem...I don't like her...I really wish that my parents would...I don't know why she said..." Meanwhile, one knows who the real problem is that man or woman the victim is with. So let's not lose focus!
The more an adviser brings the victim back to his or her self and troubled relationship, the more defensive he or she gets when the adviser says, "But do you really think that your relationship is healthy...Well did you ever think about...Maybe you might want to..." Rather than heed wise counsel, the conversation is turned on the adviser's life/comments/mannerisms and what's worse, the information is repeated to one's abuser. The victim runs back to his or her husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend wanting to look like a saint, huh!? Why tell the abuser anything?
Now does this sound like you during the honeymoon period with your troubled partner? Just talking away about everyone and everything to your man or woman as if the information isn't going to one day be used against you. Times are good, communication is okay and not that long ago you had sex. So defenses are down. All is right with the world until the next put down, angry outburst, threat, past due bill, crying child as a result of an out of control parent, crazy episode at work, etc. Are you making excuses for your angry spouse's negative ways, bad-mouthing messengers while assuming that what you think you know is in fact accurate about your partner or others? Shoot the messengers, eh? That's what victims who refuse to see the truth about themselves and their bad partners do! You might be guilty whether you are emotionally and/or physically abused.
Some victims snitch, lie, exaggerate and make false assumptions about messengers, because they simply don't want to admit that their partners are trouble. So to stay in that mean-spirited lover's good graces, the individual just might work with his or her partner whether legally or illegally in a Bonnie and Clyde sort of relationship. The victim is willing to beg, borrow and steal to appease his or her angry man or woman all in the name of love while hoping nothing comes back on him or her.
Some of these women and men, entrapped in unsatisfying relationships, will try to justify that telling their partners every thing that goes on with others, while leaving out details about themselves, is somehow establishing a bond, showing loyalty and more. This works for awhile. The snitching to an abusive partner on what this one and that one said might save one's self a verbal or physical beating. But one day, that abusive man or woman is going to put two and two together and figure, "Now what was said for my wife/husband to feel the need to start telling me a bunch of things about..." Victims forget sometimes it is just best to keep quiet on who you are talking to, what you have been reading, and where you have been.
The outside distractions to keep a partner from being angry with the victim eventually get old. Smart abusive men and women are mindful of the game, because sometimes they play it to cover up any wrongdoing they are into. They know how to tell stories too. Some of you are well aware of their games, and enable those situations by keeping them around while doing what they ask of you. Committing fraud to save money, lying on documents to protect assets, and participating in other things might make you look like the "ride or die" type, but sooner or later all the compromising and sacrificing will be meaningless. For abusive men and women, their hearts and minds never happily stay with the ones they are with or at home. There is always someone else who is better, an opportunity that makes more money, and just one more thing they want to get into. Then one day you are left screaming, "After all I did for you and you treat me like this!" And the cold-blooded partner just might respond with, "So! What about the things I did for you? Besides, I didn't ask you to do a d*mn thing for me!"
When you think of the many couples who have used children to appease partners, favorite foods and drinks to keep them home, gifts to put a smile on their faces, celebrations to honor them, and more only for debt to rise, arguments to increase, and weight to rise and fall, it isn't any wonder why there is unhappiness, disappointment and more in the family home. Take, take, take the controlling man or woman enjoys doing that!
Whatever attempts are made to save one's self from a troubled partner's issues have a way of coming back to haunt you especially if you are one who is compromising your morals to stay with him or her. You never do enough to please. You are often wrong about one thing or another. Money is frequently short. Your attempt at trying to alter who you are to be that partner in crime is not the way to handle someone who is naturally bitter, angry, jealous and has so many issues too numerous to count!
Say what you want about the messengers who warn you. Get mad at those who don't like your partner or want him or her coming around. But just know, you got yourself into the mess, and you will have to be the one to wrap your head around that truth, and get out of your mess one day with help or without it. Avoid the temptation to mistreat others whether to their faces or behind their backs, because you don't want to deal with the ugly truth about your poor choice for a partner.
Nicholl McGuire is a survivor of domestic violence and emotional abuse. She shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7