Sunday

Partner in Crime - On Snitching to Save Yourself from Being Verbally, Physically Abused

Spend some time with an insecure, jealous, or angry woman or man in a relationship and you will learn just how troubled these people are very quickly as well as those who are partnered with them. Talk with the abuser or victim about their troubles at home and you might not get the full story. Advise them on what they could do to better their situations and you just might find that these victims will start to behave differently--siding with their abusers while turning you into the enemy.

The victim turned partner in crime wants to look good in the eyes of his or her hot-tempered husband or wife and doesn't want him or her to know that there has been some talking going on.  Whether the hurting individual feels guilty for sharing information or worried that something might come out that he or she doesn't want to, there will be some manipulating of information that will take place to protect one's self. What better way to get a troubled partner off the victim's back then to redirect the attention from a dysfunctional relationship on to those outsiders such as: friendly advisers, exs, aging parents, challenging children, trouble-making co-workers, etc.? The victim talks to her abuser about how "This one is the problem...I don't like her...I really wish that my parents would...I don't know why she said..."  Meanwhile, one knows who the real problem is that man or woman the victim is with.  So let's not lose focus!

The more an adviser brings the victim back to his or her self and troubled relationship, the more defensive he or she gets when the adviser says, "But do you really think that your relationship is healthy...Well did you ever think about...Maybe you might want to..."  Rather than heed wise counsel, the conversation is turned on the adviser's life/comments/mannerisms and what's worse, the information is repeated to one's abuser.  The victim runs back to his or her husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend wanting to look like a saint, huh!?  Why tell the abuser anything?

Now does this sound like you during the honeymoon period with your troubled partner?  Just talking away about everyone and everything to your man or woman as if the information isn't going to one day be used against you.  Times are good, communication is okay and not that long ago you had sex. So defenses are down.  All is right with the world until the next put down, angry outburst, threat, past due bill, crying child as a result of an out of control parent, crazy episode at work, etc.  Are you making excuses for your angry spouse's negative ways, bad-mouthing messengers while assuming that what you think you know is in fact accurate about your partner or others?   Shoot the messengers, eh?  That's what victims who refuse to see the truth about themselves and their bad partners do!  You might be guilty whether you are emotionally and/or physically abused.

Some victims snitch, lie, exaggerate and make false assumptions about messengers, because they simply don't want to admit that their partners are trouble.  So to stay in that mean-spirited lover's good graces, the individual just might work with his or her partner whether legally or illegally in a Bonnie and Clyde sort of relationship.  The victim is willing to beg, borrow and steal to appease his or her angry man or woman all in the name of love while hoping nothing comes back on him or her.

Some of these women and men, entrapped in unsatisfying relationships, will try to justify that telling their partners every thing that goes on with others, while leaving out details about themselves, is somehow establishing a bond, showing loyalty and more.  This works for awhile.  The snitching to an abusive partner on what this one and that one said might save one's self a verbal or physical beating. But one day, that abusive man or woman is going to put two and two together and figure, "Now what was said for my wife/husband to feel the need to start telling me a bunch of things about..."  Victims forget sometimes it is just best to keep quiet on who you are talking to, what you have been reading, and where you have been.

The outside distractions to keep a partner from being angry with the victim eventually get old.  Smart abusive men and women are mindful of the game, because sometimes they play it to cover up any wrongdoing they are into.  They know how to tell stories too.  Some of you are well aware of their games, and enable those situations by keeping them around while doing what they ask of you. Committing fraud to save money, lying on documents to protect assets, and participating in other things might make you look like the "ride or die" type, but sooner or later all the compromising and sacrificing will be meaningless.  For abusive men and women, their hearts and minds never happily stay with the ones they are with or at home. There is always someone else who is better, an opportunity that makes more money, and just one more thing they want to get into.  Then one day you are left screaming, "After all I did for you and you treat me like this!"  And the cold-blooded partner just might respond with, "So!  What about the things I did for you?  Besides, I didn't ask you to do a d*mn thing for me!"

When you think of the many couples who have used children to appease partners, favorite foods and drinks to keep them home, gifts to put a smile on their faces, celebrations to honor them, and more only for debt to rise, arguments to increase, and weight to rise and fall, it isn't any wonder why there is unhappiness, disappointment and more in the family home.  Take, take, take the controlling man or woman enjoys doing that!

Whatever attempts are made to save one's self from a troubled partner's issues have a way of coming back to haunt you especially if you are one who is compromising your morals to stay with him or her. You never do enough to please.  You are often wrong about one thing or another.  Money is frequently short.  Your attempt at trying to alter who you are to be that partner in crime is not the way to handle someone who is naturally bitter, angry, jealous and has so many issues too numerous to count!

Say what you want about the messengers who warn you.  Get mad at those who don't like your partner or want him or her coming around.  But just know, you got yourself into the mess, and you will have to be the one to wrap your head around that truth, and get out of your mess one day with help or without it.  Avoid the temptation to mistreat others whether to their faces or behind their backs, because you don't want to deal with the ugly truth about your poor choice for a partner.

Nicholl McGuire is a survivor of domestic violence and emotional abuse.  She shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7 

Friday

My Baby Wouldn't Hurt Anyone - When Mother Doesn't Want to Believe Her Baby is Abusive

It's All In the Family: My Baby Wouldn't Hurt Anyone - When Mother Doesn't...: We have those family members who will tell the world just how much they love us.  They will fight, lie, create a protest, and do more when ...

Do You Feel Intimidated When Arguing with a Partner/Spouse/Friend?

The writing is usually on the wall early on in the relationship when you feel uneasy having a disagreement with your partner or friend, "This person is scary...I get kind of scared with him...What's wrong with her?" 


The controller looks at you strangely.  The angry individual might take up your personal space by getting in your face.  You find yourself walking backward, cowering, flinching, or looking anywhere, but in his or her eyes.


Sometimes these mean-spirited men and women take out their aggression on their pets.  You think it is awful how they treat their animals, but you dismiss it.  Some don't mind showing off their weapons and making threatening jokes like, "You mess with me and one day I will use this...You got it!  Oh honey, I'm just kidding."  Others will smash something when angry or make loud sounds to shake you up.  "Next time it will be your face!  Keep on calling me names, you know what happened last time when you said those things!" the abusive man yells.  Your nervous, worried, and you might even caution them about their behavior.  "You don't threaten me...You keep your hands off of me...What about the crazy stuff you said!  Put the gun away you don't need to show me that!" the frightened victim says.


Abusers don't care who they hurt.  They like to send messages that remind you to tow the line, "Don't cross me, or else..."  I have been raised by a military father, was married to one who hadn't been long got out of the military, was part of a group that honored servicemen, and many of my uncles are from various branches, so if there is one thing I have experienced and witnessed are men trained to kill.  Many of course know better not to kill, but their stance and the way some fight, sends a direct message, "I could kill you if I wanted to..."  One man threatened me and another let me know in so many words he was crazy.  I had an uncle tell me that he couldn't keep a girlfriend in his bed over night, because he would have flashbacks.  He has been in counseling for years and has been alone for years too.  The man, who physically abused me, was a former sergeant and told me that he hadn't been with a woman yet that he didn't end up hurting.  Now this isn't to say there isn't some mentally stable and self-controlled servicemen, because there are, but in my experience I have not spent the kind of time with them that I did with intimidating loved ones.


The crazy look isn't to be taken lightly especially when you haven't done anything that was so bad that deserved such a look.  Asking for an explanation is helpful like, "What brought on that look?  What did I do?"  Sometimes no reasons is given just a "You better know" kind of stare.  You walk on eggshells when someone is often giving you that look.  I would never recommend challenging an unstable man or woman who has showed off his or her weapons and threatened you whether joking or not.  You are asking for trouble sooner or later. 


Victims in relationships with men and women who are intimidating when they stare, stand near them, and do other similar things to incite fear, usually survive because they are docile.  They do as they are told.  They watch their tone of voice.  They don't ask any questions unless necessary.  They avoid eye contact when speaking.  If they disagree with an abusive person, they usually don't keep talking once they are signaled to be quiet or else.  The "normal" woman or man is just not going to live like this, but to those who are laboring to love an abusive mate that is what is done until you have a spine to leave.


It is always best to get out of a situation where your nerves are shot and you worry about your safety as soon as you can, because this sort of thing rarely stops and can happen over almost anything.  The older one gets, sometimes the crazier they become, so just because he or she hasn't went off in years doesn't mean that the bomb won't be set off one day due to any number of things including: an annoying baby/child, alcohol and/or drugs, lack of sleep, hunger, traffic, money issues, etc. 


Intimidating behaviors can escalate at times and usually when they do, someone ends up on the floor rubbing an injury or running into another room or out of the home to allow the abuser to cool off.


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry and shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Thursday

Economic Abuse - Controlling Your Mind and Money - Abusers Love to Take Advantage

You saved up quite a bit of money before you met your abuser.  You had less debt before he or she came into your life.  You seemed to be doing quite well.  But then the controlling partner got into your head with all his or her costly ideas.  The individual told you, "Let's go here, let's do that...I'll help."  There's just one problem, he or she doesn't make as much money as you do.  So who is going to be paying for most, if not all of what he or she is asking for?

So many victims fall prey to economic abuse when dealing with the emotionally and/or physically abusive womanizers, gold-diggers and the like whether they have much, little or no money.  These sneaky men and women talk about taking out loans, credit cards, using income tax refund money, and anything else to help with whatever costly plan they conjure up.  The victims, who go along with their abuser's agendas, believe that they are always in control of their money, but the reality is they really are not.  The sweet-talking user and abuser is going to figure out a way to make what is her's his or his her's while making it look like the victim is in control of his or her finances.  The idea is to make the gullible partner feel like "We are working together...it's what you want too..." but upon closer inspection it was never your idea to spend your money for what the manipulator wanted, it was his or her's all along.

Your money is never yours when you are being economically abused.  Slick men and women come up with ways to exercise control over their victim's money as soon as they heard things like, "My family is wealthy...We own...I never wanted for anything...My parents did well...I shop at...I drive a..."  Get a joint bank account with the opportunist and he or she will be helping their selves to your money without asking in time and just might overdraft an account or two. 

Controlling men and women will run up pricey bills and will either refuse to pay, only pay a little or expect to go dutch.  They will take advantage of a victim depending on what the controlling partner's plan is.  If he wants his wife home, he will make it difficult for her to get a job.  If the girlfriend wants her partner relying on her for money, she will not let him do anything monetarily independent from her.  Both attempt to keep track of what money is coming and going and whether there are ever any attempts being made to do something else with their money that might aid the victims toward some help/freedom.

You can start taking measures to keep the controlling man or woman out of your finances by doing the following:

1.  Stop sharing everything you do with your money.  Be sure you have a separate account that he or she doesn't have access to.  Most likely, the abusive man or woman isn't telling you everything about what he or she is doing with their money anyway.
2.  Don't put the abuser's name on everything that you own unless you want to give him or her more power to control you.  If you want to protect your good name, keep him or her off your paperwork.
3.  Employ a professional to help you manage your money.  This way you have someone you can blame when your partner wants to keep asking you to give him or her money.  "I will have to check with my financial planner about that..."
4.  Don't leave your personal bills lying around the home unless he or she is helping you pay them, why leave your account information in plain view.
5.  Save money because you never know when you are going to have to take some legal action or worse bail yourself out of jail in case you experience any violence.
6.  Ignore his or her big ideas to buy this or that.  Most likely, the manipulator is testing you to see how far you are willing to go to appease him or her.  Once he or she gets needs met, the requests only increase.  You will feel obligated, guilty when you don't do for him/her, angry at yourself for being played by a fool, and hurt when your money is no longer holding his or her interest.

Money manipulators will go along with their victim's requests or ideas for a time and will even fake humility and say things like, "Well I am just grateful for what you have done...it's your money, do what you want...Thank you so much for your kindness, no one has ever treated me so well..."  They will appear to be very accommodating when the victim buys things, plans trips, etc., but their kindness is a mere smokescreen for the big idea they have just around the corner. 

The minute a victim rejects meeting the abuser's financial request, he or she will throw up all they did and why wouldn't you want to help your man/woman  "...it is your turn to go along with what I want,  I will need for you to buy...or make reservations for..." the abuser says.  Whatever the manipulator did do for his or her victim can't be compared to the costly ideas he or she has up her sleeve.

Be wise with your money and guard your wallet!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Sunday

Here We Go Again...Any Excuse to Show You Who's Boss

Whether he picked a fight after he saw you talking to a man while you were out or she had issue with you doing something yet again with the children, the abusive partner is in the mood to yell, curse, slam a few things around, and even slap you a few times.

I recall a time when I avoided the physical abuse, but I had to hear the long rant.  The crazy man was yelling about what?  To this day, I really don't know.  I remember trying to explain, but to no avail.  He put the parked car in the dark parking lot in drive and off we went down the road quickly.  He was braking hard and I had tears in my eyes. 

You don't think at the time about leaving.  You don't worry about tomorrow.  All you want to do is get through that moment.  You just want the yelling to stop.  If they push you too hard, it is then that you end up acting just as crazy as them.  Once you get going, you can't stop.  Every curse word is flying and you feel like you are strong.  You feel like you are ready to let them have it!

When an abuser shows and tells who's boss he or she is going to do it in a variety of ways:

1.  In a new relationship, he or she will start off acting very nice and sweet.  It is better to attract the bee with honey.
2.  The person is going to help you and others while acting like it's no problem.
3.  The angry man or woman is going to learn about the people, places and things that interest you, but not for reasons you might think.  Rather, he/she wants to keep up with you.  So if there is ever any fight, he or she will know how to get into your head, where to find you, and what tools to use to get you back into bed.
4.  The controlling individual will remind you of all the money, time, and energy he/she spent doing what you wanted--no matter how little or how big the contribution.  The more you ask of that person, the more likely you will be chewed out one day when you anger him or her.
5.  The abuser will let others know whenever they feel like the relationship is being threatened or someone is trying to spend time with you, "We don't need your help...I will need to talk with her about that because she knows she isn't supposed to say...We don't make decisions without letting one another know...I will check with....I don't think she will want to do that..."  The abuser or controlling mate will not hesitate to make decisions for his or her partner.  The victim will repeat the same behavior assuming that he or she is being caring and considerate.
6.  Money is never spent without clearance.
7.  The abuser will let everyone in the household, as well as outside, who is the king or queen of the castle.  Family members bow down by complying.  They do what is asked of them.  They avoid conflict by keeping quiet about issues. 

If the atmosphere is disturbed by rogue behavior, outside influences, or the victim is simply having some sort of awakening, the abusive cycle starts back up again.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Laboring to Love Myself and other books.

Wednesday

Getting Even Just Might Cost You - What are You Willing to Lose?

He lies, she cheats or vice versa.  They both found out about yet another secretive thing they did behind one another's backs.  One goes and cries on mother's shoulder, "I want a divorce...I hate her!  I'm taking the kids!"  The other sits with her lover, "He never did love me...You are so much better than he ever was!"  So the seed of revenge take root.  She wants to start parading her new beau around her jealous ex before the ink is dry on the divorce.  The husband thinks that showing off the new items that he bought with the joint savings account will shove it to her real good!  One day these acts of revenge will come back to haunt them.

Before one thinks about paying an emotionally and/or abusive mate back with a few "in your face" moves, you might want to think twice.  Not everyone is emotionally stable to handle venegeful tactics and there are those who will not hesitate to find a way to make their mates and the children suffer immensely if they should cross them.  If you thought that children couldn't be used in the game of revenge, think again.  Some hurting couples just don't think of how their nasty acts will affect children in the short and long term.  The last thing on their minds is that kids will endure much stress, resentment, bitterness, and more as a result of two adults who just can't seem to get it together whether in or out of the bed.

If you find that you are feeling tempted to hurt your emotionally and/or physically abusive partner, consider the following:

1.  What are you willing to give up or lose in the process?  Your soul (if you should murder), freedom (jail), children, home, vehicles, job, mutual friendships, business connections, etc.?

2.  Is it worth going after someone who has the capability of hurting you far worse than you could imagine since the individual has already demonstrated that he/she is heartless?

3.  How much money do you have saved up and how much time and energy do you have to get an attorney, private investigator, legal paperwork drafted up, a new place to stay, etc.?

4.  What things might your abusive partner do to children if you should decide to pay him or her back?  Take them out of the home to live elsewhere, use them to hurt you, abuse them, or leave them with you while he/she runs off with whoever?

There are many other things to think about when it comes to paying back a conniving lover or spouse, but do you really want to take things in your own hands?  For the believers, just a friendly reminder, "Vengeance is mine," saith the Lord.

God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and check out her new book Tell Me Mother You're Sorry exclusively on Blurb.com

God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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