Thursday

Excerpt from Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by N. McGuire - Break Up to Make Up

There is an inner voice that all of us human beings have that warns us of things not to say or do. Many of us have this gentle voice inside, but we tend to suffocate it with what we want to do right now. If you are a believer, who has accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you most likely connect the voice to God, "But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you" (John 14:26, NKJV). However, at times we grieve the Holy Spirit by not listening and obeying. "Do not grieve The Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption" (Ephesians 4:15-16, 30, NKJV).
Let's say your instinct tells you during a first meeting with someone, "He's not the one. He cheats. He hurts women. He doesn't care about anyone, but himself." Yet, he distracts your inner voice with a kind deed, great conversation, and promises to bring something to you he thinks you like. You quiet that voice with, "I guess he isn't such a bad guy." Many women will give a guy like this a second, third, fourth chance complete with a homemade meal and sex. Who wins in the end? Of course, the manipulator does.
How long was one separated from the public charmer? Was it one, two, five, or 12 months? Maybe it has been years of missing one another and now the pair are back together. There was plenty of free time between break ups for Mr. Charmer to begin a new chapter with someone else and then suddenly abandon that short book while re-writing an old one. What did the break produce for the private abuser? Well for some of the men I knew, they were relatives and friends who impregnated other women, caught diseases, and did other despicable things between relationship breakups. So the pain comes flooding forth once again for these hopeful women who just wanted a drama-free relationship. The niceties are thrown out the window as the storm of curse words come flooding forth; Mr. Charmer is caught off guard, "How did you know? That's not what happened, what I meant to say was...What is going on? I thought things would be different this time?" He must have forgotten the lies he told, the paperwork cover-ups, the people who don't like him and snitched, the after work trips to everywhere but home, as well as the e-mails, texts, Internet history, and other things he carelessly left behind.
Truth is hard to accept with men who feed off of building stellar reputations for themselves. How much money will he pay you to be quiet about what you know? What might he say or do to keep you from reporting those times he threatened or even beat you to the police? You might be contemplating everything from revenge to suicide while in a rollercoaster romance. Why doesn't this seemingly nice guy just behave himself?
He has his share of mental issues, the ones you and others know about and some stuff he has been keeping to himself for years. With hormone levels fluctuating, pains in his body, or unexplainable conditions, it is quite difficult to determine whether one has the strength to continue in such an energy-sapping relationship for a lifetime. There are just far too many challenges that have already happened and many more to come and unless one can endure the emotional and physical stress of being with a troubled partner, you will find yourself at times breaking far more off than you can chew.

Want to read more?  Get the book Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Mind Tricks, Mind Games - The Abusive Magician Waves His Wand

"Debonair, easy-going, friendly, charismatic, a pillar of the community, nice, successful, handsome, gorgeous..." these are just some of the words victims use to describe their former abusive partners.  Even after one hears their stories of pain, manipulation, cheating, lies and more, one look at these abusive people, and the listener is captivated with them too.  Abusive, attractive, yet downright evil people have tricks up their sleeves like magicians performing magic acts, they pride themselves on knowing they have led you into believing something once again that is untrue.

What sort of mind game did your manipulator play on you this time?  Was it a made up story about where he really went and who he saw while there?  Maybe it was a false promise that he or she had used for so long to keep your interest.  How about your favorite entertainment or a gift used to distract you to keep you from searching for evidence that you have been fooled yet again?  So a victim goes along with the programming.  He or she convinces his or herself that a partner or spouse wouldn't lie again, wouldn't go back to that place, visit a lover another time, hit, kick, or curse again.  "No, he wouldn't...She would never..."  But the abuser does.  Now what?

Most victims grow weary of the fight and simply settle.  "Boys will be boys," she reasons.  "Well, I did do some things to hurt her, so I guess I deserve this," a husband says.  Children look on in disbelief, "Not another fight, mommy promised.  Daddy said he wouldn't do that again."  Family members are concerned.  A victim says, "It is what it is."  But does it have to be?

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, and She's Crazy.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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