Tuesday

Jazmine Sullivan's Emotional Performance "Forever Don't Last" ASCAP Honors


Losing Your Mind in an Abusive Relationship? Violent Spouse, Boyfriend

He thinks you don't pay attention to the money that suddenly goes missing, the keys that are moved, the odd times he shows up, and the excuses he makes. 

She doesn't think you know about what she has hidden away, who she has been talking to, and what she has been doing behind your back. 

The abuser says, "You don't know what you are talking about...I left it right there, I gave it back to you...that was just my friend on the phone...I never told you that!  Why are you asking me questions?  I didn't take anything from you!"

You feel like you are losing your mind in an emotionally abusive and/or violent relationship.  You second-guess yourself.  You get angry over little things, lose your temper more often, and sometimes plot revenge on your partner.  You could have sworn your mate told you something the other day he or she was supposed to do, but when questioned about it, the story changes.  You might even know someone going through something similar who has a boyfriend or girlfriend who often denies being here or there with another guy or girl, but you know something different.

Crazy-making exists in abusive relationships especially when your abuser isn't through with you yet!  If you are helpful to him or her, still do nice things, has made promises in the past to him or her that you have yet to fulfill, and continue to show love to your abusive mate, then he or she is going to create false stories in an effort to keep you hanging on.  Your abuser is going to pretend like you are the forgetful one, don't know what you are talking about, and may treat you like you are crazy.

A sneaky partner might encourage his or her lover/spouse to take more pills, do more drugs, drink more alcohol, or hang out with others just so that a partner isn't paying so much attention to him or her.  The manipulator doesn't want to be found out!  This person will create a world around you that makes you distrust family and friends, fear him or her, and make you feel like you are going insane at times.  All the while, he or she is helping his or herself to anything he or she can benefit from: body, time, family, your residence, your car, your workplace, associations, and anything else! 

An abusive boyfriend or girlfriend might remind you of your personal weaknesses by discouraging you from sharing any details of your life or his with others.  "You know you can't be stressed.  Remember the last time you told them something, how they treated you and me.  You know you can count on me, I love you baby."  The individual will act as if he or she sincerely cares about you. 
Meanwhile, an abusive partner is bleeding your finances dry, killing you softly with his cheating, telling you far too many lies than your mind can keep up with while periodically making threats or possibly physically harming you.

When you know that you are indeed losing your mind in the relationship is when you can't stand to cry another tear, listen to another one of your partner's many excuses, and you start to fantasize about hurtful things happening to him or her.  Before you do anything that might rob you of additional peace of mind or wish evil on this person, get out the relationship while your mind is still intact!

Remember, keep your brain sober, your heart guarded, and your network strong--you will need all three when the time comes to break free!

Nicholl McGuire
 

Friday

Another Weekend of Sports, Attitude and Blame - Abusers

They gather around television screens and will boldly tell all females in the household or elsewhere, "Don't interrupt, find something to do...be quiet when the game is on!"  As a woman, it doesn't matter how much you think you know about the sport.  Like some churches won't permit women to stand at the pulpit, neither will some men accept women sharing their thoughts about a game without shutting them down, looking at them evilly, or waving their hand at them like they are annoying flies.

Now there is that one woman who isn't going to be ignored, and just might say a few too many things to a man who is already angry about the bad calls that are being made in a "scripted" game.  She might point out some legitimate things about what she sees and share her knowledge of "show business," but her timing is all wrong!  Just like it was wrong for her sister, friend, and others who were physically assaulted, because they said too much while the game is on, so will she.

Sometimes an abuser's negative attitude can last all day or even weeks at a time.  The slightest thing can set him off especially if he gambled and lost all his money.  He will blame anyone and everything for making him angry and even the dog or cat might experience a kick.  His friends might justify his venting about the game and why women should mind their own business or how unlucky they are or these guys just might speak out against his violent act while possibly having to defend themselves.

Drunks and drug users tend to verbally and physically assault wives, girlfriends and children.  Some of the worst beatings come after a favorite team lost.  Imagine getting yelled at and physically pushed, tripped or hit because your partner is in a bad mood over a game he is too old, fat, and inexperienced to play! 

Many men, brainwashed by fathers, grandfathers, and other relatives to be the next great player on some team, have crushed fantasies seated before large television screens across our land.  From having mid-life blues to carrying all sorts of anger within, they take out much of their hate on women.  They belittle the person and children they love, because their favorite team didn't win.  They have connected their spirits with a group's successes and failures.  They can't control the outcome no matter how much they study the game, holler at the screen, or spend money buying up tickets and merchandise. 

Sports is big business and the elitists aren't the least bit interested in playing fair and square--the outcome of many major games are pre-determined--do your research!  Just maybe if an abuser would take the time to learn more about scripted entertainment in advance of a major game, he could save himself from a headache and a stomach ache as a result of a bad game. And just maybe, he could relieve his partner and children from his wrath.  A favorite team is only a winning team if they can make a city much money, remember that.  (I grew up in Steeler Country and Pittsburgh is a gambling town, but I digress.)

Anyway, the pain that one experiences when in a relationship with a sports fanatic affects loved ones in so many different ways either you have those who are fanatical like the abuser, could care less about the game, or are somewhat balanced but have hidden issues.  Children who have grown up with abusers, who are sports fans, tend to steer away from certain sports when they have repeatedly witnessed the negativity that dad displays when they are on.  Some don't show much interest in joining a team or tend to have far too much interest. 

Wives become increasingly irritated and may leave the home when sports are on TV only to return to an angry man when they are over.  Those who are around abusers can grow to hate anything that reminds them of those times they got beaten.  Personally, for a long time I hated the Lakers, one of the best teams in basketball, not because of who they are, but because of what they reminded me of.  The abusive man's personality always changed when the team lost and he would start acting very moody with me as a result.  Some of our worst fights was when the Lakers were on.  It took years for me to be comfortable with someone watching them around me.

Abusers not only hurt the ones they love, but they also can wreck havoc on businesses.  Their mean-spirited nature is why many lose marriages, children, jobs, friends, and cause others not to enjoy simple entertainment in a fun atmosphere.  They yell and curse when their own children are playing in sports.  Threaten staff and act belligerent when they can't join a team.  And sometimes, get kicked out of bars because they drink themselves silly because they are unable to handle their emotions while a game is on. 

Please be advised that encouraging more sports watching, joining teams, getting involved in sports gaming, and more with these abusive types is absolutely the wrong things to do!  It just gives them more reason to get angry when they or a team loses.  These unstable minds will take out their frustrations on others.  Abusers are not logical, they have triggers like time bombs that when set, they explode.

So many women will be walking on egg-shells in their residences when major games are on, praying to their heavenly Father to keep them and their children safe from an abusive person living in the home with a love of sports. 

Say a prayer for all.

Nicholl McGuire 

Thursday

"It Was Her Fault He Hit Her" When Critics Blame the Victims

"If she hadn't jumped in his face, if he would have stopped yelling at her...if the two just walked away--none of this would have happened!" the critics always have their reasons as to why the woman or the man or both got what they deserved in an abusive relationship.  Some will even go so far to say, "I would have slapped and kicked her too!  He's lucky it wasn't me, I would have punched him so hard, he would have been seeing stars!  The two of them need both their butts beaten!"

While so many lips are on their "Should have, could have" rant, another woman and yet another is being abused.  For every incident that takes place, there is an individual or group blaming the victim afterward.  "This wouldn't have happened had she..." 

How can the mentally and/or physically sick, used and abused help herself? 

What can be done when tempers are flared, arms are swinging, and kids are crying?  Rarely does anyone run from a fight whether they have common sense or not.  You know that if you turn your back on an enemy, you just might be caught from behind.  Abusive situations typically happen suddenly--without notice you find yourself looking into the eyes of an evil person who will not hesitate to hurt or even kill you.  It becomes a kill or be killed situation.  Luckily, most people don't die in these situations, but plenty do.

There is no "blaming the victim" needed when people are trying to put their lives back together again after the abusive situation.  The angry father, crazy boyfriend, or resentful husband who loves to use threats and intimidation to get their ways will be the first to speak negatively about victims.  One of the worst mistakes a victim can make is to sit down and talk with people like this who have a known record for being disrespectful and/or abusive to mothers, girlfriends, sisters, wives, and any other females in the family.

These abusers or former ones will say things like:

"If you weren't with him in the first place, you wouldn't have had to worry about getting beat up.  I remember when I had to put a woman in her place for talking back to me." 

"You know you are good for running your mouth, it isn't any wonder he hit you.  If you would have yelled at me, I would have put you on your back too!  You always were the feisty type!  Maybe you will calm down now that this has happened."  

You see from the example of statements above, evil men have no remorse.  Most are uncaring and will not bother to help any victim when they have their own demons they are grappling with.  Now some just might offer assistance, but not until you have to sit through a long list of complaints, suggestions, criticisms, name-calling, and "why you do what you do" as if they are psychologists.

The true nature of the beast when it comes to domestic violence are not those who hit their victims (although they are guilty--don't get me wrong), but the ones who justify the evil.  The people who agree that being abused is okay when a victim says this and does that to her partner despite what led up to the violent incident.  These individuals who rationalize in their head that "she deserved it, look how she is with this one and that one..." are the ones who typically find themselves in a similar situation with daughters and sons or other loved ones. 

The person who is often very critical of others will find his or herself being humbled sooner or later.  Whether through a personal attack on his or her character or body and/or when someone dies close to them through an act of violence.  It will be then that critics would like for someone to care about them or their loved ones.  But there will be that one in the group who will say, "If he hadn't did what he did maybe he would still be alive today...if she would have stayed in her place, maybe none of this wouldn't have happened."  Remember, treat others, how you would want to be treated.

Nicholl McGuire 

Wednesday

When the Victim Can't See the Messy Relationship

A messy relationship is like walking into a room ignoring the piles of clothes on the floor, the overflowing trash can, the old food left on the dresser, and those things in the corner that was supposed to go back on the shelf...the one who is responsible for the mess no longer sees it.  He or she sits or lies down as if there is nothing wrong with the room.  The person doesn't smell the odors, see the dirty dishes, or notices the piles.  If you have a problem with the mess, the one it will simply shrug his or her shoulders and continue to use the space just as it is.  Now the unsightly room isn't a problem for some as long as the door stays closed.  But once the lingering odor hits the hallway, insects start showing up in other parts of the house, and visitors are coming over, the issues in that room become a household problem. 

This is what happens when one is in a messy relationship.  He or she doesn't see the ugliness that everyone else sees.  The one experiencing verbal or non-verbal abuse or physical violence doesn't feel that what he or she is going through is that bad.  The victim or even the abuser has reasoned, "I'm okay, I'll get to the mess..."  But he or she never does, so it festers.

One day someone is going to blow up and it will be then that the one enduring the most heartache and pain will suddenly awake.  Sometimes conversations aren't enough to motivate someone to change his or her circumstances.  Promises to help clean up begin to fall on deaf ears.  The drama in the relationship apparently hasn't reached the point of no return.  So the couple will continue to wallow in their mess!  They may be slowly losing their minds, increasing or decreasing in weight during their ordeal, emotionally and physically battered, and more, but until one or both say, "I quit!"  The mess in the relationship will not go anywhere, it will only get worse.

Nicholl McGuire, view her YouTube channel here.

Monday

Healing Art Inspires Women to Be Free from Bad Relationships

 
Positive affirmations, thought-provoking collages, stirring mask images, inspiring guest speakers, delicious refreshments and more, brought visitors out of their homes in Pasadena, California. On October 17, 2014, the first annual Healing Art Exhibition was presented at the Fair Oaks Renaissance Plaza Community Room, 649 N. Fair Oaks Avenue.

Linda Offray, Shepherd’s Door Founder and Teresa Smith, Healing Art Organizer and teacher and special guests were available to share personal stories and answer questions about domestic violence.

Offray, who has been on a mission to help people in violent relationships for decades, said "…Shepherd’s Door was birthed out of anger, frustration and pain." Being a mother, she had members of her own family who suffered through domestic violence. She shared most of the women she has talked to about their experiences said they didn’t know how they ended up in their situations. Offray mentioned these type of relationships tend to happen "quick, fast." She says, "I have seen successes, but I have also seen survivors come and go. Each time you go back it gets worse," she warned. "If you escape trauma, you are blessed…Victims of domestic violence need to feel supported, understood and not judged."

Smith, also a mother, talked of the women’s creative works on display. "They are expressing themselves through healing art workshops." The teacher received her training from A Window Between Worlds, an organization in Venice, California that helps people heal from traumatic experiences by producing their own artwork.

Artwork on exhibit included: Examining Relationships Collages, Loving Heart Sun Catchers, Inside/Outside of Me, and Affirmation Mandala Shrinky Dink. Each piece shared emotional struggles from within that each woman was hiding with a smile or in other ways. But upon closer examination, the viewer could relate to issues of low-self-esteem, depression, unforgiveness, regret, anger, and more. They were heartfelt, moving pieces that beckoned attendees to take a look. Visitors pointed and commented and expressed their gratitude for such a neatly arranged and motivational art exhibit.

"Every piece of art has a story behind it," Offray tells the audience. "It’s all about healing to move on to the next level." Smith explains, "This is healing art not art therapy, there is a difference. In art therapy there are licensed therapists who guide their patients through the healing process by allowing them to create art and then using the art to make a diagnosis." The therapists will take what they have learned and create a healing plan for their patients. On the other hand, Healing Art is "free expression and no one is telling the person what the art means," says Smith.

Some audience members created their own art and shared encouraging affirmations. A moment of silence and prayer was also done in memory of the victims. Prayers were also said quietly by attendees for people currently in abusive relationships.

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate author and speaker, Nicholl McGuire recited poetry from her book with the same name. Offray opened the floor up for discussion and comment about the art exhibit, domestic violence or any other information the audience would like to share. One visitor shared, "This is a great starting point for those to express themselves." Another stated, "It takes a lot of strength to speak about a situation, sometimes people close off themselves…if (people) don’t share, healing can’t come. They can be a blessing to other women."

To learn more about future healing art workshops in California, send email to: shepherddoor.org or call 1-888-979-8884.

Nicholl McGuire’s book is available on Amazon.com
 
More artwork from the event:
 
 

Friday

Past Used Against the Victim - When Freedom Seems to be Nowhere in Sight

So the devil of a man decides to take a low blow during an argument and use a victim's past to talk about why the last one abused her, why she deserved it, and how he will hurt her like the former abuser did.  His pot shot was painful and a trigger; lucky for him she didn't turn into a raging lunatic and pay him back for every man who came before him who thought they were bold enough to put their hands on her.

What makes a woman go off the deep end?  Statements like the above.  Frequent disrespectful attitudes and words, mean glares, negative behaviors like silent treatment and gas-lighting, and more leading up to the day that she explodes. 

Far too often outsiders, looking at that single public incident, the day everything turned black and the woman lost her mind will question, "Why would she even attempt to fight a man?  What would possess her to act so angrily?  Why would the man think that slapping her silly would get her to calm down?"  Let us be reminded, people don't think rationally when they are in a maze of a relationship that they can't seem to get out of emotionally, spiritually and physically.  You take one turn and that one leads to a dead-end--typically created by the handler/abuser/controller.  Then you go down another path only to find out there is no one there who is willing to provide enough assistance to get free permanently.  So where do you end up?  Right back where you started from.  The mean-spirited man awaits ready to throw a b*tch a bone in his eyes.  But one day the dog will turn on him and bite.  There is no logical mind in a mad dog!  

Rarely does the public hear about the events that played out prior to that fateful day.  Instead, the media will paint the picture, "They argued over a phone number...she was angry because he spit on her...He was drunk when she cut him..."  You should be thinking, "That wasn't the main reason as to why the woman went off!" 

Consider this, the weeks of wishing a person would change, she prayed for God to deliver her from this evil situation she got herself into.  The times that all was fine and everyone was behaving themselves until yet again verbal and non-verbal abuse showed up.  The controlling man/woman lied again, cheated again, made promises again, bad-mouthed again, didn't pay bills again, kept secrets again, and with so much drama going on, is there any wonder why someone would go off?

Throw extended relatives, in-laws, friends, and co-workers into the mix and things get quite complicated.  Everyone has words about leaving, but no action.  Everyone has prayers, but no money.  Everyone has a residence, but no space.  Everyone has thoughts, but no time.  Then they think, when push turns into shove, "Why my daughter?  Oh, my poor son...what happened?"  Don't play ignorant, remember all of the above!  Most witnesses/confidantes will say to others, "It's not my business.  She should have listened to me, I never liked her husband/boyfriend.  I don't have anything to do with their mess.  I hope they keep it where it's at.  Don't come knocking on my door!"

Victims always start out on a path toward freedom, sometimes their strides are bold, other times they are subtle.  They may stay at a hotel or plan a trip away.  They will begin to save money, make plans to work or work longer hours, and do other things to get free of the burden at home.  They may start going to church more and assist strangers along the street.  But then they may become distant from relatives and friends, stop participating in beloved hobbies, parent children less, pick up a bad habit, and look sad, angry, or disappointed quite often.  They may complain of aches, pains and more.  The writing is typically on the wall.  Victims, who recognize their relationship ills with an abuser, express interest in wanting to be free before the explosive incident.  They talk about leaving an abuser and may pack and move for a time.  But that is only half the battle.  Is the mind free?  Is the abuser still contacting her?  Is she strong enough to deal with him alone?  Does she have a strong enough support system and resources to help her so that she doesn't have to return to her abuser for things like: money, a residence, children, and more?  Does her family and friends even act like they love and care for her (and possibly children) or are they using and abusing her too? 

Most victims return to controlling partners, because there is a lack of resources and compassion from supposedly a supportive network.  Perpetuating the abuse by name-calling, yelling, and accusations will not free anyone!  If anything, it makes the victim feel like he or she is to blame for being the "inconvenience," and what do people do when they don't feel the love from those who claim to care about them?  They run right back into the arms of someone who promises to love and respect him or her even if what that abuser says is untrue.

Nicholl McGuire
 

Wednesday

Back Together Again with Abuser - "Be Happy for Us"

There will always be that couple who is in a turbulent relationship claiming they are breaking up only to get back together.  During their honeymoon period, they really wish that, "Everyone would be happy for us!"  Really?  Let us remind our relatives and friends who are in these violent arrangements the following:

1.  Your abusive partner will curse/cheat/lie/hit and do anything else he/she has gotten away with in the past again and again, and again.

2.  Keep in mind you both have a mental or personality disorder that you have yet to address.  If you attend church, the leadership would say you need deliverance from demonic spirits.  There is just no reasoning or accepting abuse.  The body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.

3.  You are unwise if you believe that things are going to get better because your abuser simply said, "I won't do it again, I promise...you know I love you...I want very much for our family to be together!"

4.  The reality is that no matter what a victim does, it is never good enough for the abuser.  Sooner or later the crying of the children will trigger negative emotions, the bills will produce stress, the in-laws will awaken the beast, and the job will give an abuser a head-ache, how might an angry man or woman react under that kind of pressure?  How about the abuser will emotionally and physically harm anyone who causes him or her discomfort?  (Even an animal in the home is subject to an abuser's wrath.)

5.  What did you miss out on the last time you both broke up?  Was it money/opportunity/personal assets/a romantic interest etc.?  Is being back with an abuser really worth losing more things in the future?

6.  Listen to your loved ones including children when they verbalize, write, or draw out their concerns.  This just might have been the last time you came out alive and now you are back with the abuser.  Sleep with one eye open.  Watch what you say and do--don't make him or her jealous.  Have the police on speed dial.  Save your money, you will need it. 

Nicholl McGuire author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic, Laboring to Love Myself and other books. Visit YouTube, click here.

Friday

In Denial, Isolated - When the Abused Claims It's Not What You Think

She doesn't believe that she is being abused because it doesn't feel like it, "Isn't abuse painful, ugly, and crazy?  Not me," she thinks.  "So what that he is controlling sometimes and big deal he has a personality disorder, I love him."  But what if this victim's denial is affecting others around her?  What if the pain of her abusive situation has somehow skipped over her and onto those who love her, what then? 

Abuse is abuse whether it looks or feels painful or not.  A man who isolates a woman from her sons, daughters and other relatives and friends is hurting her whether she feels the anguish or not.  She most likely convinced herself that all is okay just to tolerate being in a relationship with her abuser.  A woman who has been controlled for far too many years to count has a mind that tends to go crazy at times, whether she feels it or not, just like her controller.  The two battle silently, verbally or physically.  She does little things to make her abuser feel uncomfortable, but not nearly enough to free herself emotionally, spiritually or physically from him.  He knows this and so he continues to take advantage of his seat on the throne in her life that she created for him.  

To those who know her well, the victim has to paint a picture of everyone she meets as being "difficult, weird...I just can't get along with people."  Rather than admit that she has made a choice not to get along with people to avoid feeling the hurt of isolation.  Her partner doesn't like her associating with others; therefore to appease him, she reasons, "I'm okay."  When the world around her can see, she is not.  Making anyone the center of your world day after day is not healthy. What's worse is one tends to idolize her abuser and put him above her Creator--this is a sin. 

Of course, a victim will have a negative view of others especially those who speak truth and don't go along with her programming and don't like her abuser.  She will have a problem with anyone who comes in contact with her abuser, because he chooses not to see the good in anyone--her family, friends, and others.  Whatever her abuser's weakness/sickness/issue, it becomes hers too in her effort to keep the peace, or in other words, avoid a verbal, non-verbal or physical assault on her.  She will not hold her abuser accountable to negative things he does to her and others, but with people outside of her relationship she is very judgmental.  

The example she has set for sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, friends, and others around her is just as sick as the mess she has permitted for far too long!  If these people value her lifestyle, then more than likely they will emulate it.

After awhile family and friends get use to her statements of denial, isolation, and other burdens her controlling husband/boyfriend/partner has laid on her.  Some tolerate her stories as to why she couldn't do XYZ or why she doesn't say ABC to her partner.  They even accept the presence of her handler just so that they can see their beloved relative, but it hurts!  The thoughts of wanting to harm her control freak partner happens with some family members.  It is quite natural to want to avenge a love one, but even if done, the victim in denial will only defend her abuser until she chooses to set her mind free from him.  Unfortunately, she stays away from certain family members who want to protect her. 

It is a painful experience to watch a mother/grandmother/aunt/cousin/sister/daughter/friend/co-worker go through denial and isolation with a controlling partner.  The victim is like a bird in a cage, so grateful for a place to stay and food to eat that when the cage door is open, she refuses to fly out of it!  If anything, she closes the door--locking her mind, body and spirit up while making excuses for the verbal, non-verbal and/or physical abuse.

I have personally watched people control others in addition to being controlled over the years by so-called well-meaning loved ones, and I can tell you that you spend much time ignoring the signs.  You see the writing on the wall, but you choose to ignore it, rather you cover it up, or attempt to wash it away.  Yet, the demeaning behavior of others continue to show up until you are strong enough to take a stand.  Sometimes you are able to talk yourself into not believing what you are experiencing.  Other times, you see what is happening attempt to fix the situation only to find yourself caught up again in yet another web of drama with someone else or a group. The kind of people who believe they have your best interest in mind, yet all the while you are being manipulated into making the rich richer, the strong man stronger, and so on.

Maybe someone reading this is under the impression that they aren't experiencing any abuse from anyone.  They may falsely believe that their situation is healthy and functional, but upon closer examination, you realize that it is not.  It takes years for some to realize what true freedom is.  You can't find it in any relationship, money, new place, relocation, or  anything else; instead it comes from knowing the truth about yourself and choosing to make a difference in your own life, rather than just pretending all is good when it is obviously not.  The sick can't help the sick.  The controlled can't help the controlled.  The blind can't lead the blind.

Just because something doesn't feel like it hurts, doesn't mean that it's okay.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of not only Laboring to Love Myself, but Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic as well.

 

Tuesday

Silent Night, Unholy Night

Staying up practically all night worried over a man.  Thinking strange thoughts after a vicious argument with lights cut off in the dark.  Feeling uneasy as you enter a room your abuser is in at night.  Silent moments after the sun sets can bring on unholy thinking, reactions, and feelings.  Is it really safe to be with someone who just threatened to kill you?  Should you be living in a home with someone you catch staring at you as if he or she hates you?  Do you really need to stay with someone who makes you feel unclean, dirty, or even suicidal?

A lot happens at night as most of the world sleeps.  Strange dreams reveal truth about your waking life.  From creepy critters to ugly faces, your spirit realizes that something during the day is getting the best of your peaceful rest.  So you walk around like a zombie during the day wanting nothing more than your bed.  Being with an abusive partner can affect you in negative ways, sap the energy out of you, cause you to think things you never thought, and make you hate when you rather love.

No matter how much you convince yourself that you are okay and your abusive lover is just going through the motions, you know better and chances are those who know you know the truth.  Bragging on a partner who is obviously a nut case only makes you look like one too.  Telling everyone, "This time things will be different, you'll see..." means nothing to those who care about you.  Sharing all that is wrong in your world with a listening ear doesn't get you out of your situation.

The best thing that anyone can do when peaceful nights seem to turn into consistent nightmares is pray!  Ask your Heavenly Father to come to your aid--do what you can to restore peace to your mind, body and spirit.  There are resources out here in Internet world, use them.  Remember, you are not alone and someone somewhere genuinely cares about you!

For those in abusive situations right now, work toward making your silent nights peaceful ones, and may your warring angels protect you as you go through this very difficult time in your life.

Nicholl McGuire provides insightful audio on channel nmenterprise7, YouTube.

Monday

Beaten with Fists, Broken with Silent Treatment

She is the ideal candidate for the controlling man. Formerly abused, the survivor has potential to the man who doesn't have to lift a finger to keep his woman in her place at least for a time.

The manipulator knows he doesn't have to beat his victim into submission, because the other fellow already did that.  He isn't worried about her fighting him, because she already told him, "I'm done fighting, I just want a peaceful relationship with a loving, kind man."  The man, with dark thoughts and hidden anger, has little patience and even less time to work on a relationship, so he finds the survivor easy prey. 

"She won't argue much," he thinks. "She won't put up too much resistance when I want my way, and she will keep to herself most of the time..." The weary woman won't bother checking up on her controlling lover either.  Why bother?  "Whatever he does isn't as bad as the last one," she thinks.  "Besides, I don't want to be a pest or run him off--good men are so hard to find."

The opportunist, a closet abuser, knows his victim very well.  He may have watched his mother be abused.  Listened to stories of others who were victimized.  He observes his victim and knows she doesn't have much energy to keep up with him.  So he will use her for sex, a good meal, money or whatever she is willing to let him have.  Mr. Charming will take advantage of what the damsel in distress will do for him while she heals from the last one. 

A controlling man can talk his victim into focusing on him and only him!  No one else matters just him.  No one cares about his "Sweetie, Honey, Diamond, Baby, Love" as much as he.  The man with a plan can wine and dine his brokenhearted woman, dress the poor damsel up and make her feel pretty again while telling her, "I love you...he doesn't know what he missed."  Her new lover can make promises that he knows he won't honor later, but if she takes the bait, by the time she is hooked, she won't make much of a fuss.   All is forgiven, right?

Oh yes, the woman who has been beaten with fists and no longer fights back with words or hands is a control freak's dream!  He doesn't have to yell, shake her, or even curse at her for long, he can just sit quietly when she does things he doesn't like.  Visit with family and friends? Quiet.  Desire to take up a new hobby? Quiet.  Buy something for self?  Quiet.  Make a suggestion about doing something different?  Quiet.  He is the master of silent protests!
 
When he has run out of nice things to woo his victim, he will take comfort in being his true self.  He will walk pass her without speaking or touching.  He will pretend as if she doesn't exist when his needs aren't being met in the way he thinks she should meet them.  He won't volunteer to share personal things like: stories about his day, shopping experiences, bank account funds, email, websites he visited, shows he watched, and where he went the other day without saying so much as a goodbye.  No, the controlling man believes he is in control. 

The deceptive one knows his victim is simply content with not having to experience things like:  repeatedly fight a man like in the past, hear someone call her every name but her birth name, or worry about him cheating--at least for now.  So grateful to be with a good man, at least so she thinks.

Evil comes in many forms including in those who do nothing more than sit and observe.

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog, wrote Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, and shares spiritual insight on various topics from a spiritual perspective, see here. 

Thursday

College Students in the Dark When it Comes to Abusive Partners

The last thing that is on the mind of a college student is a violent boyfriend or girlfriend.  He or she is far too busy with studies and extracurricular activities to think about these things, right?  Wrong.  Abusive lovers know how to charm gullible, young people to make time for them.  The busy college student who may have once put up defenses, during a slow period, will eventually drop them letting the violent man or woman come into that student's life especially if he or she has a place off campus to live, money to assist with tuition and books, fun ideas to spend time, and a car they can drive sometimes. 

Parents, friends and others who notice someone new has come into the lives of  their loved ones should be watchful.  Looking for signs like: isolation, name-calling, controlling behavior (appearance, phone, friends), cheating, lying and more. 

There are often patterns with abusers.  Those who are in contact with the student should be listening carefully to his or her complaints about the new boyfriend or girlfriend and paying close attention to repeated behaviors that sound mean, weird, and abusive.  Also, when a student's grades drop, this is a clear indication that far too much time is being spent with the abusive (controlling) individual.  Most young people tend to move rather quickly into sexual relationships and cohabitation before realizing they have made a big mistake.  One must be careful talking about marriage and children, no matter how spiritual/religious you are, especially when relatives don't know the new boyfriend or girlfriend that well or his family and associations.  When it is clear that there are some things not quite right about your loved one, since meeting his or her partner, refrain from encouraging him or her to continue to date the potential abuser no matter how much material assets he or she has or who this person might know.

As much as everyone wants to be love and appreciated, in the abuser's world, he or she isn't interested in anything but receiving/taking/stealing.  Most often they have little respect for a lover or friend's time, tend to be selfish, covertly mean-spirited, and will refuse to go out of their way to help someone they claim to love. 

Many abusers don't get along with most relatives.  They usually don't do anything without expecting something in return.  Angry men and women tend to be jealous of other people's accomplishments so they will bad-mouth and ridicule those who are obviously doing better than they.  They also are not as caring as they appear to be about a lover's education, family issues, health concerns, etc.  This is when the cheating comes in if they feel that their sex supply might one day be cut off, they will look to someone else that will make time for them, do what they want (which may be perverted) and who might have less responsibilities and family issues.  A college student who was once focused on his or her studies will be easily distracted from goals when dealing with an abuser/cheater.

College is a great time for students and it shouldn't be threatened because of mentally disturbed people who want nothing more than to control others.

Nicholl McGuire 

Wednesday

Yes, God Hates Divorce...But He Hates Abuse More!


October Domestic Violence Awareness

With so much in the media about domestic violence lately, one can only wonder just how many couples will think twice before slapping, hitting, kicking, or doing other hurtful things to one another. 

Physical and verbal abuse can happen to any couple doing anytime of their lives.  Sometimes we think of young couples physically fighting with one another or "those poor people..." but the reality is that men and women regardless of age, income, social status, upbringing, and more will fight.  The presence of mental illness might trigger constant fighting.  There could be issues with substance abuse that contribute to an all out war of words.  Then other times verbal and physical abuse could result because someone is overworked, tired, bitter about a past incident, vengeful, or any other reason he or she believes is worth beating a partner down with fists and words.

When the presence of domestic violence is ongoing in a relationship, one must be certain he or she is ready to break free!  Being in a violent relationship is like being in a jail cell where someone else is in control of your life, not you.  If one is not in an abusive relationship, but is willing to help someone who is, he or she must be mentally and physically strong to handle the rollercoaster ride of things that will come up between the couple.  At times, situations can be very unsafe and the victim may want to try again and make things work.  This is why it is crucial one gets needed support via law enforcement, counselors (spiritual and secular), video recording, witnesses, etc.  Taking on a problematic couple is dangerous.  Being in a relationship with an abuser might cost one his or her life.

There are numerous resources about domestic and dating violence on and offline.  Please do spend some time on this site to find out the information you might need to get free or help someone who very much should be out of an abusive situation.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.  See clickable image links on this site.  Nicholl also records inspirational and convicting spiritual audio here.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

Gadget

This content is not yet available over encrypted connections.

You might also like:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

VideoBar

This content is not yet available over encrypted connections.