Monday

7 Signs a Victim will Be Returning to Her Abuser Again

If you or someone you know thought that the woman who recently broke up with her partner will never be returning back to that "jerk, a$$hole, weirdo..." think again!  Depending on how long she has been with the individual and how psychologically and materially tied to her abuser she might be, will determine whether she will leave the individual for good or return to him/her and experience more abuse.


1.  She fails to receive adequate support from her circle of family and friends.


These people claim they will help her, but the assistance they provide is dismal or non-existent.  She can't reach them by phone for things like: a ride to a nearby hotel, money to help with a move, a place to store her things, or a residence to live.


2.  She is told by her abuser that he/she will take care of her and that things will get better.


The victim was charmed by her partner when they met and if she has yet to let go of past memories of good times, his words will sweep her off her feet again.  She will attempt to convince herself that he/she has changed, when deep down inside she knows this person hasn't.


3.  The safe environment she is living in is sub-par as compared to the one she has left.


She may have assumed that the residence she would be staying in to get away from her partner would be so much better than the one she left (clean, comfortable, quiet, etc.) but in time she discovers that the so-called safe environment has its share of issues.


4.  Promises are made to her by those who live/help her, yet they use her as well.


From relatives to friends, someone is often asking her to provide money, service, and other things which takes her focus off of doing for herself and possibly children.  She reasons, "Why stay with these people, when she can be used and abused by the one she is most familiar?"


5.  She is expected to do for herself as soon as she is away from her abuser.  Her mental and physical issues are often ignored.


Once again, family and friends assume now that the victim is free, she doesn't need any mental or physical support just things like:  a job, basic necessities and a place to stay.  So they don't bother thinking deeply about why she is acting in ways that seem irresponsible, strange, or wild.  They bad-mouth, yell, criticize, and do other things to her that run the victim back into the arms of her abuser as well as the drugs, medicines and alcohol that she might have been abusing too.


6.  Her children don't feel comfortable or safe in the new environment.


From crying to fighting, children can be difficult to parent especially in cramped environments with other adults attempting to act as parents as well (or worse, sexual predators).  For some victims, they reason periodic emotional or physical abuse is better than having to experience whining children on a daily basis and mouthy adults.  So back to the home they know where favorite toys and spacious rooms can keep them occupied.


7.  Her abuser threatens to harm her or those she loves if she doesn't come back to him/her.


If she doesn't feel protected in her new environment and sincerely believes that her abuser might hurt a relative or friend, she might go back to the individual in an effort to keep the peace.  She may feel that risking her life is better than having to go through the anguish of knowing that her abuser has wounded or killed her loved one especially if he/she has children with this person.


Victims don't always return to abusers once they have left them; however many do return as many as seven times or more after supposedly breaking up.  These women (and men too) tend to feel like they were out of control when they stayed with an abuser and once leaving the person, they experience similar feelings because now they are relying on others. 


Controlling relatives and friends can be difficult to get along with and can arise similar emotions in victims of abuse.  Mean stares, angry words, and threats from loved ones are enough to make victims go back to their abusers and not come have the courage to come out of their situations again for many weeks or even years after leaving the first, second, or third time plus.


If you are willing to help someone in a situation like this, be ready for the emotional roller coaster that comes with rescuing a victim of abuse.  Just because you want them to leave an abuser for good, doesn't mean that they will no matter how much you scream, cry or threaten them if they should go back.


Nicholl McGuire

Friday

Nice, Caring, Patient, Understanding...Didn't Think Things Would Change

When someone walks into your life appearing to have all the character traits you desire in a mate, why wouldn't you pursue a relationship?  People, who criticize victims of abuse, forget the early stages that occur in a dating relationship.  If you sincerely felt that your life would be in danger messing around with someone crazy, you wouldn't get involve with them in the first place.  But as we, who have been in abusive relationships, have learned you can't judge a book by its cover.  Just because a person acts nice, caring, patient, and understanding doesn't mean that he or she really is.


Emotionally abusive, unforgiving, angry, violent, and jealous men and women typically do not show their true colors in relationships at least in the beginning.  They know that if they were to display every aspect of who they are early on, they would not get the benefits that come with dating someone.  So they work hard to be on their best behavior.  They want to make a good impression on their dates.  Therefore, they are going to act nice, smile brightly, ask how you are, and offer service.  Yet, when life's challenges start manifesting themselves in the form of disappointments, death, arguments, job loss, relocations, and more, the mask of kindness goes away and in some cases stays away.  There is rarely an "up day," so to speak, for miserable people. 


Take a look at some photos of relatives, friends and partners you might have.  Notice how often people smile in those photographs.  Some seem like you can never catch them genuinely smiling.  This is how it is when you live with someone who is emotionally and physically abusive.  Most days they don't smile (unless they find someone's misfortune, flaws or accident funny).  These men and women, who find feelings of negative emotions more comfortable than positive ones, are good actors and actresses in their youth, but in time the aging process reveals who they really are.  Older people don't like acting once they reach certain milestones in their lives, they feel comfortable showing off their arrogance, bitterness, prejudice, and evil ways without apologies.  Those closest to them suffer as a result until they break free.


For those in a relationship with someone who once was nice and kind, know that you are not alone.  Continue to pray, live your life, and know that although you may have been deceived in the past, blind eyes now see.  Your Creator will give you the peace you need one day--trust in Him, not man or woman.  If you have no belief in a supernatural God, surround yourself around positive people who do. 


Nicholl McGuire 

Monday

When You are Tired of Fighting Relationship Battles Alone

Some men and women in emotionally and physically challenging relationships fail to use spiritual insight to free them from their troubles.  They assume that the battles they are dealing with are all emotional and physical.  However, oftentimes what they are contending with in a partner are spiritual issues.  The kind that the most intelligent minds in this world can't even grasp, let alone explain. 

If one would take the time to acknowledge a Creator, he or she just might find peace in his or her life storms.  Now simply praying is not good enough, but one must be willing to give up something to get something.  You want peace, give up the foolishness.  You want love, give up the hate.  You get the point.

Notice God's only Son gave his life so that the world might be saved, but what does that mean to someone who could care less about spiritual battles?  Nothing.  It is because of this nonchalant and flippant way of dealing with issues is why there is no reverence for God in many relationships and if anything, the disrespectful one might even blame God for his or her misfortune.

Those of us, who have been in good and bad relationships, know that there comes a point in any partnership where you have to make some tough decisions in an effort to save what little sanity you have left.  If you know the issues are spiritual that you are dealing with, it would make sense to get strong spiritually yourself so that you are better able to deal with the partner who is causing you much grief.  Some things simply can't be answered with counseling, a prayer, a nice gift, and some sex.  We live in a demonic driven world with many trappings.  Spiritual issues can't be fought with drugs, alcohol, and flawed people, they must be dealt with on a supernatural level.

I challenge anyone reading this to visit a local Holy Bible-believing and Holy Ghost filled church the next time it opens. (Pray before you get there or go with someone you know).  Bring with you a prayer list, a donation, a bible, notepad, and a pen and be ready to listen.  I guarantee you, you will come away with something that will help you get through this tough time in your life.  Taking the prayer list  along with you at the next service will help you get some things off your chest and put them in the hands of your Creator since he tells believers to cast their burdens on him.  The donation will assist with the obvious--churches have bills too and it also acts as a seed, so tell God what you want/need.  The notepad and pen will help you keep up with what you have learned and if you need to go back and refer to some important points you will have them. 

By doing the previously mentioned things, you are on your way to dealing with spiritual issues on a supernatural level.  The world isn't going to encourage you to do such things since many people are disgruntled with God for any number of reasons, but that's their issues not yours!  Be encouraged and press forward!  Many of you visiting this blog are in spiritual warfare and don't even know it!  Read more about that around the web. 

You want change in your personal life, don't you?  Take advantage of the opportunities to pray with believers and ask them to keep you in prayer.  If you are sincerely tired of battling your relationship issues in your own strength, then do some things differently.  But whatever you do, don't just sit and wallow in your relationship mess!

Nicholl McGuire, listen to thought-provoking spiritual audio/video on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7. 
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

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