Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Trigger Warning:  This post discusses domestic violence, including emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence at 1-800-782-6400. The Hidden Reality: Domestic Violence in Arizona and Beyond Domestic violence is not just a private issue—it’s a public health crisis. In Arizona, the numbers are staggering:  42.6% of women and 33.4% of men  have experienced intimate partner violence, sexual violence, or stalking in their lifetimes[1]. In 2024 alone,  61 Arizonans were killed in domestic violence-related homicides , with over half of those deaths occurring in Maricopa County[2]. These statistics are not just numbers—they represent lives, families, and futures forever changed. Why Don’t Victims “Just Leave”? A common question—often asked with good intentions but little understanding—is:  Why don’t vict...

In today’s digital age, technology plays a significant role in our lives, but it can also be a tool for abuse. Digital abuse can take many forms, including stalking through social media, monitoring your online activities, or using technology to control your communication. Imagine receiving constant messages from your partner demanding to know where you are or who you’re with. This type of behavior can create a sense of paranoia and fear, making it difficult to maintain healthy relationships outside of your partnership. As Love is Respect states, “Digital abuse can happen without physical contact, making it harder to recognize”. If you suspect you’re experiencing digital abuse, it’s essential to take steps to protect yourself. Start by reviewing your privacy settings on social media platforms and consider limiting who can see your posts. You might also want to change your passwords regularly and use two-factor authentication for added security. Additionally, consider talking to someone ...

I have had the blessing and the curse of having some very straightforward people in my social circles over decades.  The kind of men and women who give you the truth with no chaser.  "Look your boyfriend is ugly...I don't know what you see in him.  Stop dating broke men!  You are better than that..."  Can I say you need bold people like that around you until you are back on your feet again? As you progress, you might want to lose them, because negative people have their share of baggage and after awhile you outgrow them.  Anyway... Look, I have been transparent for years all around the web and shared my testimony of freedom, peace and increase after coming out of a very bad relationship over a couple decades ago and another mentally draining one soon after that.  I personally want abused men and women to win!  Use their mistakes in life to propel them, but not continue to allow poor decisions to suffocate, bind, and rob them of better lives in t...

Selfish, bitter, arrogant, and angry, a partner that doesn't care much about you.  Too much arguing, ignoring, and being spiteful, two people co-exist in a dwelling.  He passes her by and she does the same.  There's only one problem, the victim still has feelings for the abuser. What does it feel like when one works to love someone who doesn't love in return?  It is lonely, depressing, irritating, and a constant hope that things might change, but they don't. She loves him and wants what is best for him, but he is annoyed with her reaching out to him.  He believes that there is still a chance the relationship might rebound, but things appear to be getting worse after every dispute. One labors and labors until either the individual makes up in his or her mind to break up, separate, or pay the other back for all the pain and suffering while still remaining in an unhealthy relationship .  The cycle of thoughts go round and round as challenges rise and...

You don't have to remain in a suffocating relationship, but just as it was a process to get into it, there is a process to get out of it.  Learn more.  Inspirational Messages

You thought that what you saw seated across the table from you was a genuine, honest, kind, sweet, and compassionate person weeks, months or years ago, right?  Now how does that date you saw back then, compare with who you see today? Intoxicated by those lovey dovey feelings early on, we allowed a lover to embrace us, make love to us, and also permitted him or her to get away with a lot in the beginning of the romance too.  Nothing was too big, too bad, too small, too anything when we let love take root.  "It's okay, it's alright...don't worry about it...I still love you.  We will get through this.  Remember we are together forever."  We didn't want to be judgmental of that special someone and we didn't want to hurt his or her feelings by telling this person what we really thought about the negative things he or she said and did.  We dismissed offenses and made excuses for things we should have questioned th...

Being angry with a person who chooses to stay with an abuser is wasted energy.  Rather, one could redirect that anger toward a cause or passion that might help those who want to be helped.  When the abused chooses to stay with someone who is emotionally, spiritually and physically toxic, the victim's decision to stay affects everyone sooner or later. The police officer who gets pulled away from one crime scene ends up at the front door of a couple who is out of control--more time could have been focused on a more pressing matter involving the death of someone's loved one.  A neighborhood hears the frequent cries of a woman who is getting beaten yet again, nerves are tensed and some wonder if she might die at the hands of her abuser.  Children watch parents in disbelief and wonder if mom and dad might hurt them during one of their fits of rage.  A place of employment that is counting on an employee to show up ready for work...

Some men and women in emotionally and physically challenging relationships fail to use spiritual insight to free them from their troubles.  They assume that the battles they are dealing with are all emotional and physical.  However, oftentimes what they are contending with in a partner are spiritual issues.  The kind that the most intelligent minds in this world can't even grasp, let alone explain.  If one would take the time to acknowledge a Creator, he or she just might find peace in his or her life storms.  Now simply praying is not good enough, but one must be willing to give up something to get something.  You want peace, give up the foolishness.  You want love, give up the hate.  You get the point. Notice God's only Son gave his life so that the world might be saved, but what does that mean to someone who could care less about spiritual battles?  Nothing.  It is because of this nonchalant and flippant way of dealing with ...

A messy relationship is like walking into a room ignoring the piles of clothes on the floor, the overflowing trash can, the old food left on the dresser, and those things in the corner that was supposed to go back on the shelf...the one who is responsible for the mess no longer sees it.  He or she sits or lies down as if there is nothing wrong with the room.  The person doesn't smell the odors, see the dirty dishes, or notices the piles.  If you have a problem with the mess, the one it will simply shrug his or her shoulders and continue to use the space just as it is.  Now the unsightly room isn't a problem for some as long as the door stays closed.  But once the lingering odor hits the hallway, insects start showing up in other parts of the house, and visitors are coming over, the issues in that room become a household problem.  This is what happens when one is in a messy relationship.  He or she doesn't see the ugliness that ev...

Dating Advice, Relationship Problems: He is Never There for Me When I Need Him Most : Have you ever felt like your husband or partner just doesn’t seem to understand what his role in your life is supposed to be? You have expla...

An abuser puts on a good show in front of family and friends, "I love her...I wouldn't know where I would be if it wasn't for him...I want our family to be close...I don't want my babe to leave!"  But the truth is, a mean-spirited man or woman really loves no one-- not even his or her self.  He may buy nice things for himself sometimes.  She might plan a great trip and be on her best behavior for a moment.  These hateful people may even surprise relatives with a gift every now and then.  But an angry man or woman with overt or covert hate, loves no one!  Who has room to love when he or she is often angry, bitter, resentful, and feels rejected? A difficult personality is a challenge to live with and you can't help but think at times, "This person really hates me."  You take all of their burdens and place them on your shoulders rather than giving to their Creator to fix while working on you such as asking y...

He yells, cries, lies, curses, and you forgive him.  He tells you that he has had a hard life that no one understands.  He says, "I love you, thank you for being in my life...for putting up with me." and so you wear his statements like badges of honor.  "Oh, honey.  You can trust me.  I love you too...we will get through this together...I get you--even if no one else does, I get you."  No you don't.  You think you do, but you don't.  Self-deception will get you hurt. I am Nicholl McGuire, the creator of this blog and the self-published author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.  Never in a thousand years does anyone truly know a human made of mind, body and spirit.  No matter how many classes you take, degrees you receive, and how much time you spend with a subject, you never truly get them!  Of course, there are professionals who can describe one's personality, every now and again predict an abuser's next move, an...

Whether black, red, yellow or white, it doesn't matter the ethnicity, abuse doesn't exclusively occur with just one type of person making a certain dollar amount living in a particular neighborhood.  Many affluent women are abused.  They may not look like it, but they are mentally and sometimes physically wounded to the point that they self-medicate in a variety of ways that only their money can buy.  There are those who are middle class or poor who still manage to smile despite being abused by someone who claims that he or she loves them.  However, with most cases of abuse, a woman or a man is usually in a relationship that looks more like master and slave then two people who love one another. You are not your mate's slave.  Although for some, this is an obvious truth, but do they really live it?  He runs around town buying her things only to return home listening to a ranting lunatic for a wife....

She was so grateful to be free from a miserable relationship that included slaps, chokes, threats, and stalking.  However, what she didn't realize is that soon after coming out of the physically abusive one, she would walk into the arms of a controlling man with a sharp tongue.  He trained her like a sergeant in the military.  When she strayed left, he used his threatening demeanor to yell, "Go right!"  And so she marched, "Left right left..." her selfish husband was not a loving person.  He didn't think much of people, had no friends, and was far from compassionate. When you are in a relationship with someone who advises, instructs and even shares one's personal thoughts in a way that demeans, ridicules, or makes one fearful, you often find yourself acting out with others.  You yell, you push back, you fight, and most of all you isolate yourself from those who know you best.  One who walks away from an abusive relationship isn't necessarily fre...