Beaten by the Past, Emotionally Abused by the Present with No Hope for the Future

She was so grateful to be free from a miserable relationship that included slaps, chokes, threats, and stalking.  However, what she didn't realize is that soon after coming out of the physically abusive one, she would walk into the arms of a controlling man with a sharp tongue.  He trained her like a sergeant in the military.  When she strayed left, he used his threatening demeanor to yell, "Go right!"  And so she marched, "Left right left..." her selfish husband was not a loving person.  He didn't think much of people, had no friends, and was far from compassionate.

When you are in a relationship with someone who advises, instructs and even shares one's personal thoughts in a way that demeans, ridicules, or makes one fearful, you often find yourself acting out with others.  You yell, you push back, you fight, and most of all you isolate yourself from those who know you best.  One who walks away from an abusive relationship isn't necessarily free until the individual reaches a point in his or her life where he or she refuses to put up with any dysfunctional behavior that looks even a little bit like his or her past relationship.

Over and over again the angry wife battles with those around her; rather than place her rage squarely on the one who causes her the most stress, her emotionally abusive husband.  She doesn't hope for the best like she once did, because she knows her best years are gone--long gone.  She isn't interested in fulfilling her dreams for she knows her partner wouldn't go along with them.  Abusers could care less about your feelings.  You harden your heart when you are with them.  You rarely cry or cry too often in their presence.  You live a lie--telling people you have a good relationship when you really don't.

The more one convinces self of the lie, he or she calls "a relationship, marriage, engagement...," the more delusional the person becomes.  Everyone else can see the truth but him or her. "Things will get better," she tells herself.  "I don't know why we always end up disputing, but I know we are good for each other."  The abuser and the abused are a dysfunctional match.

The next time you find yourself judging one who is in a physically abusive relationship, consider what emotional abuse you have had to endure in order to "keep hope alive" in your own relationship.  The past doesn't look very good, now does it?  The present is a challenge and what about the future?

Nicholl McGuire

How Much Do You Value Your Life?

You may have remained quiet when he cursed you, avoided a confrontation that may have become quit physical, got swept in the argument and called him every name under the sun, or chose to live a life where you avoid him as much as possible.  My question to you is, "How much do you value your life?"

No one is required to "stick it out" with someone who obviously doesn't like you, places blame, or acts disrespectfully toward you, even the God of the Holy Bible isn't going to put no more burdens on you than you can bear.  You do have options.  You can save your money and find a place to live away from the discord.  You can live with a roommate.  You can move into separate rooms.  You can stay so busy that you are often not at home.  But whatever you do, realize your worth!

When you don't care much about yourself, who will?  When you choose to accept someone's frequent misconduct as "okay...he was just having a hard day...things happen,"  what message are you communicating to him, to yourself, and those witnessing your partner's emotional and/or physical outbursts?

We all have our share of challenges, some more than others, but one must put frustrations in proper perspective.  A loved one who is standing by a partner's side in good times and bad times is not going to keep putting up with one's insanity.  Sooner or later he or she is going to look in the mirror and say, "I don't need to be with this person who often insults me and I will not keep putting up with this sort of behavior."

Whether you are the one who is at fault, your partner or both, consider doing what is right in the best interest of all, check how much you value your self.  It is through this self-examination, you will discover that you don't have to deal with anything that demeans your worth.

Nicholl McGuire


No Talking to Your Friends...No Buying Gifts for Family...Be There For Me!

The rules are typically set early on, during the courtship, from the way he or she looks at you when you mention "I was talking to my friend..." to "Why did you buy that for them?"  Your potentially violent partner is letting you know, in so many words, "I am controlling, jealous, and in time you will do what I tell you to or else."

Most people meeting someone for the first time or starting a dating relationship, don't notice the signs.  When strange feelings surface, one will push those emotions down, reason that everyone has their flaws, or talk one's self out of being protective.  "She didn't mean it that way...He really isn't possessive, I mean we just started dating...Everyone has their share of problems, no big deal!"  However, you should wonder why someone, who doesn't know you that well, feels like they should tell you what to do with your personal life such as who to talk to and how you should spend your money and on who.

The more you give up to make someone happy, the more control you lose over your own life!  Before long, you are dressing to suit him, canceling time with family and friends to appease her, and reporting to this person as if he or she is your parent.  "Honey, I am at the store...Sweetie I will be coming straight home after work...No I am not with my friends, I am helping my mom..."  the new date is acting more like an annoying spouse.  "Are you going to wear that with your friends?"  He or she barely knows his or her date, yet demanding so much from him or her including a change in one's wardrobe.

Watch for people like this and politely go about your way.  Don't act the least bit interested in him or her.  When they insist that you spend time with them, pass on the invite.  When you notice repeated phone calls, lengthy text messages, and frequent unannounced visits to your home, you have a problem on your hands.  Stay away before things get worse.  Report strange activities to family, friends and the police.  Share a photo of this person with security personnel at a workplace or other spots you frequent.

Nicholl McGuire

Relationship Abuse- My Story


Personal Message from the Laboring to Love Blog Creator...

Thank you for stopping by!  I just want readers to know that for years I have posted content to this blog in an effort to help individuals and groups find solutions when it comes to issues related to abuse.

Emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and other abuses are never to be taken to lightly!  When we know that someone is being verbally or physically assaulted, we are to open our mouths and speak up!  Taking on that all-too-common attitude of "It's none of my business..." just might be the last time you see that person who is going through all sorts of psychological warfare.

I remember a time when a few had an inkling or blatantly knew about my abusive experiences, and said nothing to me, but everything to those around me.  It was only a matter of time that darkness came to light for all to see, but had many spoke up, maybe there wouldn't have been a blog.  With enough peer pressure to get out of a situation, the one in it just might consider getting out sooner rather than later.

There is no excuse to run the risk of having blood on one's hands for not saying anything. There should be no secrets kept when one is being wounded mentally, physically and spiritually--by the way some church-goers/members experience spiritual abuse (look that one up).

It is my prayer that when you see something, you say something.  If it wasn't for a stranger, noticed I said a stranger, I wouldn't be alive today.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love Myself and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.
Feel free to contact me via email:


Know Your Emotional Abuser: The Gaslighter

"That's not what I are mistaken...what I really meant don't know what I'm talking about..." the gas lighter is going to distract you from truth, so you don't expose his lie!  The woman in this video shares valuable insight about Gaslighting and her experience about the middle of the video.  

There is No Reward for Suffering - Make an End to a Relationship Your New Years Resolution

A once single person may enter into a relationship in the hopes that a man or woman will provide him or her with things like: love, security, material wealth, children, vacations, and more, but how much suffering will one allow to maintain such a lifestyle?

Those who are in tough relationships with difficult people, suffer much!   A moody partner with a short fuse may be content one day, but threatening the next.  There are no rewards for putting up with such behavior.  No amount of goods will bring peace to a troubled relationship headed for destruction!  This is why many run to the church, a support group, use alcohol/drugs, take up a hobby, frequently talk or go out with family and friends, they know what they are living with!

Living life is challenging enough, but far worse when dealing with a hot headed man or woman who is unhappy with how his or her life is going these days.  Despite warnings from loved ones to do some things different, the verbally or non-verbally abusive or controlling partner who is stubborn in his or her ways will keep acting out while blaming others for his or her short-comings.  One must face the reality that people change and who you once fell in love with, simply put, is not the same!  Things like death, illness, job loss, divorce, children, and other life challenges change people--don't make excuses for their upsetting behaviors and want to fight or black-ball others because they point out truth.  Everyday a partner, who is suffering in a bad relationship, is worried about what might a loved one say or do to make their lifestyles spiral backward.

With a new year, comes new decision-making.  One must either find more ways to cope with his or her suffering or move on.  "Coping, dealing, handling, putting up with, and ignoring..." are all words people use in mentally and physically draining relationships.  You know someone experiencing such heartache, stomachache, backache, and headache as a result? 

Sooner or later one will realize that the side effects of being in a relationship with a troubled man or woman outweigh the benefits received.  A woman who has spent years coddling, appeasing, lying to or about her partner is going to one day awake from her brainwashing and realize, "This sh"t ain't worth it!"  When she awakes from her slumber, she will fight back and when she does, all hell will break lose!  A man who has had to contend with an argumentative woman for decades is going to reach a point in the relationship that cursing, cheating, lying, sex, money, and whatever else he once used to distract him from his crazy relationship is no longer going to work and he too will fight back.  Don't be around for another verbal assault, hit, slap, scratch, choke, push, or any other form of punishment!  Protect your mind, body and spirit while you still have them and why not make this year the one that you plan your escape! 

For those who are suffering, but not being beaten physically, you might have to suffer a little longer for the kids, the house, the boat, the car and whatever else you got with this person until legalities are handled.  Others might have resolved to die in their suffering or wait for the other to be struck with death.  Then those who are being beaten down both mentally and physically, the suffering should have ended like yesterday, get out while you still can!

Whatever you are experiencing or hoping for when it comes to your miserable relationship, know that only you know how much you can take and that there is no reward in this life or the next one for permitting someone to bring out the worst in you.

Nicholl McGuire talks of spiritual issues on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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