Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

One of the most puzzling aspects of domestic violence is why victims stay with their abusers. There are many factors that can contribute to this decision, including emotional attachment , financial dependency , and fear of retaliation . Unfortunately, domestic violence often escalates over time, making it even more difficult for victims to leave. In some cases, victims may have been raised in a household where domestic violence was accepted as a normal part of life. As a result, they may not realize that there are other options available to them. In other cases, victims may be afraid that leaving the relationship will result in further violence. They may also believe that they can change their abuser's behavior if they just try hard enough.  Ask yourself the following questions: Have you (or your loved one) been emotionally or physically abused in the past?  How did you or others respond to the abuse?  Are you fearful of what might happen if you (or they leave)? Do you reason that

With so much going on in people's personal lives, you would think people in our nation wouldn't be living longer due to so much stress they are experiencing.  Yet they survive and with some, barely. Men and women going through much trial, cover up their personal woes with laughs, nods, winks, eye-catching attire, expensive automobiles, and fabulous homes.  But those of us who have been mistreated recognize those who are going through much.  We can see through the smoke and mirrors.  Delusional people lie to themselves and others about what is really going on at home and caution children, "Don't tell or else..." The eyes don't lie and yesteryear's bruises tell dark stories on victims' faces.  An abusive spouse or partner rarely admits that he or she is wrong when battles increase.  He or she may have once apologized almost immediately after an offense, but in time admitting to one's faults becomes a rare thing to do.  The mean-spirited partner h

We have all been there and done that, thought we knew everything about everyone in our circle and so we defended them.  We fought long, hard, and ended up looking quite stupid in the end!  Women, who are victims of abusive men, don't want to believe the truth and don't want you handing them any mirrors either! The know-it-all victim fights with mom, her best friend, and even her children about her no-good husband or boyfriend.  "But I love him...so what!  I know already..." she says to those who really wish she would go on and get a life away from her miserable partner.  Yet she insists, "Things will get better...and you don't know him like I do."  Victims brag about the things they claim to know already.  Like the time(s) a partner cheated, lied, abused, used, and did other things.  They have advice for everyone else, but can't figure out how to have any personal peace.  Living with and sexing an abusive man (or woman) will drive you crazy!  You

They make excuses for it.  They lie about it.  They say it won't happen again.  They tell family and friends it isn't what you think.  Abuse.  Victims come in many different colors, social classes, and more.  They don't want to believe they are being emotionally and physically beaten with or without words, hands, and other things. "What?  I don't know what you are talking about!  I am fine.  Leave me alone.  I have dealt with this for a long time.  I know how to handle him..." the victim defends her sickness.  In love with a man who plays mind games, makes false promises, isolates her, cheats, steals, lies, and tells her how bad she is when he feels down. Don't deny the trials you are in or have been going through for quite some time.  You might live with them for now, but you are to grow from them.  Your eyes are focused on freedom, not bondage.  The survivors know this all too well.  True survivors don't go back, they don't say things like, &

As strange as it may seem, many victims in relationships are envious of exes who are free from abusive partners.  The upset isn't about so much what the exe had with the former lover/friend/spouse, but the jealousy is also stimulated by the thoughts that these exes are no longer swindled, bamboozled, or hoodwinked by their former manipulators.  Yet, current partners are.  Their jealousy tends to come out in bizarre ways from the way they disrespect a partner's children to rages over unintentional mistakes.  Name-calling, bad-mouthing and more are done by victims behind the backs of abusers and former partners.  Sometimes there are no obvious reasons other than angry victims being trapped in their controlling mates' webs while their minds go crazy. I recall a moment where I met my abuser's ex-girlfriend and mother of his son and I had an odd feeling come over me.  When I look back, the woman was free--free from the nutcase I was with.  She didn't have to deal with

Spend some time with an insecure, jealous, or angry woman or man in a relationship and you will learn just how troubled these people are very quickly as well as those who are partnered with them. Talk with the abuser or victim about their troubles at home and you might not get the full story. Advise them on what they could do to better their situations and you just might find that these victims will start to behave differently--siding with their abusers while turning you into the enemy. The victim turned partner in crime wants to look good in the eyes of his or her hot-tempered husband or wife and doesn't want him or her to know that there has been some talking going on.  Whether the hurting individual feels guilty for sharing information or worried that something might come out that he or she doesn't want to, there will be some manipulating of information that will take place to protect one's self. What better way to get a troubled partner off the victim's back then

Why do people in relationships, who know that their mates lie, connive, cover-up, and do other sneaky things, expect them to come forth with the truth about things like:  their whereabouts, who they talk to, where they go after work, or who they know? The writing is on the wall when it comes to answered prayer and what do victims do?  They act as if God hasn't shown them anything.  They retreat back into the world of lies.  These victims converse with their abusers about the facts in the hopes of feeling at peace with their partners' answers.  They hope that wrongdoings will be confessed, but it never happens.  Instead, what usually occurs is the abuser will do things like:  stone-wall, argue, defend, bad-mouth others, gas-light, blame, deny, or minimize the situation(s). "Babe, it's not what you think.  You know I wouldn't do that...I really care about you.  Honey, we have been through so much, I have changed.  I would never hurt you.  Don't worry about i

Those good days are mere teasers that play with your mind.  They make you feel like you are getting somewhere in a miserable relationship when you are really headed nowhere.  It's like a dead end or a one way street living with someone who is abusive.  You keep getting turned around and around.  It feels good driving down that road at first until you get to the brick wall at the end of the road.  At first, you are so grateful to be going somewhere, it appears like you are on your way until you get turned around yet again!  Then you start on what you think is a new path, you feel somewhat empowered at least for the moment until your abuser has a bad day. He or she may have made you feel comfortable for a moment with that sweet look and loving touch. You might have falsely believed that this person was now confident in the relationship, trusted and loved you and really wanted to make things work until the other shoe drops and here we go again: ignoring, yelling, blaming, cursing,

The next time you are seated with someone having a discussion about a celebrity, a partner, a relative, or a co-worker, notice how the person talks about those who he or she really likes, but may have some issues with.  If you were to analyze the negative conduct of one's favorite person and mention how they are dealing or not dealing with the issues, what do you think the reaction might be? Most people who see themselves in others or are being hurt by someone they still love or like, will find ways to excuse the person's disrespectful or shocking behavior.  They will attempt to get you to focus on what good they did, how much money they have, where they live, or who they know so that it lessens the evil that the individual has committed.  The "fan" will defend their favorite person even though they may not like recent activities.  They may say the person being accused is being railroaded, people just don't like him or her, or "they don't know what the

If you or someone you know thought that the woman who recently broke up with her partner will never be returning back to that "jerk, a$$hole, weirdo..." think again!  Depending on how long she has been with the individual and how psychologically and materially tied to her abuser she might be, will determine whether she will leave the individual for good or return to him/her and experience more abuse. 1.  She fails to receive adequate support from her circle of family and friends. These people claim they will help her, but the assistance they provide is dismal or non-existent.  She can't reach them by phone for things like: a ride to a nearby hotel, money to help with a move, a place to store her things, or a residence to live. 2.  She is told by her abuser that he/she will take care of her and that things will get better. The victim was charmed by her partner when they met and if she has yet to let go of past memories of good times, his words will sweep her off h

I think some women converse about injuries such as a black eye, missing teeth, burned body part, or choking experience with other victims as if they are in some kind of dark competition. For example, I hear some try to outdo one another by saying things like, "What he did to you...look at what he did to me..." As if the more abuse you have received at the hands of your abuser, the more so-called experience you are in situations such as these! Give me a break! It's nonsense...the way I see it some women have embraced this twisted concept of "once a victim always a victim, so let me show you how bad he hurt me!" The person who has recovered from the abuse and considers herself no longer a victim, but a survivor, doesn't care about your scars or how many you have as compared to hers, all she is listening for in your story is "so have you learned anything?" Some of these "abuse braggers" I call them, usually haven't learned much of any