Friday

Emotional Infidelity In A Relationship: What Is Emotional Cheating?

People define cheating differently. Some people define it as an emotional act as well as a physical act and others just define it as a physical act.

That topic alone can cause some issues in a relationship if both parties define cheating differently.

So, in order to eliminate obstacles that may later come into play it's always best to make certain you know how the other person in the relationship defines something like that.

Although it's not pertinent that couples are exactly alike, there are obviously some important areas in a relationship which help uplift it rather than hinder it. And this type of topic can be one of those things.

Truthfully, I believe that it's difficult to keep the romance alive and a relationship on a positive note if you're unable to work in unity with your spouse. Especially if one of you defines cheating in one way and the other defines cheating in another way.

Usually, physical cheating is what we all refer to as cheating. It's a general consensus, so it's emotional cheating that can be the real culprit behind ruining a great relationship.


So we'll talk a bit about that today.

What Exactly is Emotional Cheating?

Well there are different levels of emotional cheating, but let's discuss the most significant forms of emotional cheating...

1) Lying by Omission

Some women consider cheating to be a secret that is kept from them. For instance, their spouse has a dinner date with another woman, but doesn't bother to mention it.

Whether this situation is considered cheating depends on the relationship you have with your partner and the type of friendships you have outside of your partnership.

Since the pendulum can swing either way it's best to make certain you both see eye-to-eye before it ever happens (if it ever does). Maybe you don't think it's important to mention it because it doesn't mean anything and mentioning it would give it more weight than it's worth, but it's best not to assume something like that but to talk it over instead.

The reason for that is because, on the contrary, some women feel that if it was so unimportant, then why not just mention it. It's a catch-22 situation. So, a constructive way to handle a circumstance like that it to discuss it with one another before it ever has a chance to occur.

2) The "Roaming Eye"

When I speak of the "roaming eye" I mean visual disrespect to your partner. Acknowledging someone's beauty is one thing, but the "roaming eye" is a much more intense act.

It's beyond acknowledgement. In a situation like that, fantasy creeps in and your partner feels mistreated or upset due to the act of disregarding her and making it clear you would like to have sex with the person in your sights.

Under those conditions, it can turn into a huge problem for the relationship. Of course, it's one thing to notice someone's beauty from time to time, but the "roaming eye" is another thing altogether. It can lead to insecurity issues, trust issues, and sometimes result in actual physical cheating.

So exactly what is the "roaming eye?"

Although I couldn't possibly mention everything, let's talk about the more obvious actions...

The "roaming eye" constitutes going to strip clubs, ogling women in the street, and commenting can also be a part of the issue in which verbal insinuations are made concerning what you would like to do with that person. Taken too far, it can be emotionally abusive to your partner and result in a destructive relationship that could eventually lead you both in separate directions.

So, a constructive way to handle this situation on a personal basis, is to treat any woman like you would want someone to treat your wife, sister, mother, or any other female that you regard with the highest respect.

Of course, it isn't always going to work because you're human, but it's a good place to start.

By asking yourself, "How do I want other men to treat my partner?" can help you change the entire way you see things.

For example, someone ogling your wife in a disrespectful way is most likely something you would not take kindly to. Perhaps you'd even be infuriated if you witnessed it happening. So, if you apply those feelings to a woman that catches your eye, it makes it somewhat easier to want to treat that person with a lot more respect.

After all she is someone else's relative. Obviously not yours, but someone's.

3) Physical Contact

This type of emotional cheating occurs when you go to strip clubs and receive lap dances or some other similar type of contact from the opposite sex.

As a man, you may not consider this as cheating, but your partner may. As a result, this induces conflict in the relationship in which your partner feels betrayed and you feel as if you didn't do anything wrong.

If this does occur, a constructive way to handle this is to put yourself in your partner's shoes or put your partner in the stripper's shoes.

For example, would you want her in a male strip club receiving lap dances? Or would you want your wife in front of other men stripping and giving other men lap dances?

Chances are good the answer is "no." If you reverse the situation, it's easy enough to look at it constructively so that the two of you can work on resolving the issue by basing it on the old saying, "treat others the way you want (your wife) to be treated."

Be objective, be honest, and most of all... be fair. Work hard at trying not to give yourself extra privileges you wouldn't give your spouse. Make it your responsibility to be considerate to other women just as you would want another man to be considerate to your wife.

You're no exception to the rule.

Work Together in Unity

Since this issue is such a big one, it's important to sit down with one another and discuss why it's happening if you aren't in agreement about your actions, because a great relationship is built on unity between a man and woman and if there isn't any unity... it will lead to a lot of problems.

As a man, some of the distraction you're fighting against is biological which is often due to visual stimuli which you can't help. But that doesn't mean the promotion of that behavior is necessarily right. It's one thing to have a natural response to something like that, but it's another thing to use that natural response to benefit you in continuing on in that behavior.

An important thing to do is to make certain that excuses on either end aren't being made. Excuses and denial don't resolve anything. Serious situations like that require both parties to own up to their faults.

Pride should be left at the back door, so your relationship doesn't take a beating because of it. Avoid treating it like a game of matching pride against pride.

To eliminate pride in the beginning, you may find it a good idea to talk about how you want to handle the discussion on each end before you bring up the conversation.

Consider saying something like...

"I wanted to talk to you about something, but before I bring it up, I thought maybe we could talk about how we want to handle this conversation, because I don't want anything getting in the way of us resolving it. I know sometimes I can be stubborn, so I feel it's important for me to say that when we discuss this I don't plan on allowing that to interfere with us fixing this situation."

When confronting it like that, it allows the problem to take the forefront so that when you do end up discussing it, it makes it easier for you both to stay focused on the topic at hand and keep it on a positive note.

You can then discuss it in layers by trying to explain why you do what you do (besides the obvious reasons) and she can explain how it makes her feel and then you can both focus on how to resolve the issue together--in unity.

It's easy to feel that emotional cheating doesn't hurt anyone, because in certain ways it can be defined as an invisible act, but don't underestimate the damage that it can have on a relationship. It can do just as much damage as its lethal counterpart "physical cheating."

Sure, there may not be any touching involved, but infidelity is not just a physical act. Remember, be objective, be honest, and most of all... be fair. You are no exception to the rule.

Work hard at being faithful to your partner in more ways than one--mind and body.

About the Author
Tameka Norris is the founder of Romantic Short Love Stories. Offering the best of both worlds with true love stories, romantic fiction, love poetry, romance articles, tutorials, and advice on romance and relationships. Visit http://www.romantic-short-love-stories.com

Dating a Victim of Domestic Violence? What You Should Know and How You Can Help

Her abusive boyfriend from the past cheated, lied, robbed, raped, abused, and misused her. When you first laid eyes on this gorgeous woman, the last thing you thought was you would be inheriting her wounds from yesteryear. Yet, you did and now you feel at times stuck with both his and her mess. You aren't ready to break up with this woman you love, but you can't see a future with her either. So what do you do about this past baggage that tends to show up on days that you think everything is perfectly okay? The following tips should help you get some peace of mind, reach a decision about the relationship, and help you help her to heal.

There is a big difference between a woman who calls herself a victim of domestic violence and one who calls herself a survivor. The survivor most likely has evolved from her experience and shows no signs of having ever been a victim. She has received the support she needed to move on and has taken the necessary changes to live her life to the fullest. However, a victim has not, will not, or doesn't know how to get pass the experience. She may even still call herself, "a victim." Somehow she continues to play the victim in her words and actions with every challenge that comes before her. She hasn't bothered to get the help she needs, and you may be her only counselor.


Women who have been abused don't necessarily get over everything they have gone through in the past. Some of the residue still remains. She may have some strange behaviors that tend to pop up every now and then. If he robbed her, she is possessive about her belongings. If he raped her, then she may have sexual problems. If he choked or smothered her, she may have problems sleeping at night or you touching, staring, or standing over her while she sleeps. If he lied about his whereabouts a lot, then she will be bothered when you don't say where you are going and how long you will be gone. If he cheated, then she won't trust you when you say "...that woman is just a friend." If he kept her from seeing or talking to family or friends, then she now feels obligated to tell them everything and not pass up an opportunity to attend a family gathering. If he expected her to report to him about everything she does, then she may tell you more than you ever needed or wanted to know or do the complete opposite and appear secretive. If he beat her, then she may flinch if you playfully try to grab her. These are only a small list of some of the things that trigger her misunderstood behaviors.

She may also have some phobias as a result of being in such a life threatening relationship. She may be afraid to go to certain places, avoid certain people and discussions that remind her of her abuser. She may have trust issues because of the many times her abuser violated her. She may not be as affectionate as other women you may have been involved. She may also have problems with budgeting because her abuser may have been very controlling with the finances or she may be domineering about the finances herself. There will be those times that she will appear very strong-minded and other times where she will be extremely sensitive over the simplest of issues. However, despite all of these issues, many women who have been in abusive relationships do well in society. They find the strength to get over many personal obstacles and oftentimes help others see things in relationships that their relatives and friends may have otherwise overlooked.

Going back to the issue of trust, your partner isn't always mindful of her trust issues. You may think that she is deliberately making your life a living hell with all her questions, but some women do this without thinking. They may not have been "called out" on their insecurities prior to meeting you so how do you expect her to be self-aware? If she calls you too much to "check up on you" then say so and let her know you won't always be available to answer her call, if it makes her feel better, let her know when you will be available to talk. If that still doesn't help, and you just so happen to miss calling her, remind her that she should be treating you like how she wants to be treated. Disrespecting you will not be tolerated no matter how many times she tried to call you and you weren't available.

Too often men put themselves in situations that call their character into question such as going out with other women without telling the woman they have made their partner, hiding details of their whereabouts, not being available emotionally, making important decisions without their mate, lying when asked simple questions, etc. When you are with someone who has had an abusive background, she will be more sensitive to what you are doing than most women, because she most likely dealt with these issues with her abuser. You can be a big help to her emotionally by doing two simple things: keep promises and be honest. Let her know what your relationship boundaries are before you think about committing to her for the long-term. An example would be telling her that you don't want the kind of relationship where she acts like your mother rather than a girlfriend. Then list specific examples of the behaviors that are turning you off.

Communication is important in any relationship regardless of what type of experience someone has had prior to entering a new relationship. Without it, you will have trust issues, arguments, repeated break ups and so on. As soon as an issue comes up that bothers you, talk it over in a respectful manner. If she loves you, she will respect you and if you love her you will return the respect.

Being with someone who has been abused requires some degree of patience. You will have to allow her to get to know you through her making mistakes. She may have forgotten that you don't like a certain thing she does, forgive and forget. She may have checked up on something you said you had completed, don't be so easily offended. Be open to mistakes and allow her to learn from them. If you find that she is consistently doing something that is robbing you of feelings for her, then before you break up with her, talk to her about it. See if she can meet you half way, and then sit back and watch her behavior to see if anything changes, if not, then you will have to make the decision to end the relationship. Don't create a scene or do something to get her to break up with you, the last thing you need is a domestic violence situation yourself.

Some formerly abused women tend to be overbearing at times. This may be due to feeling powerless in their past abusive relationship. They want things to go their way, they expect others to do what they say when they say it, they yell instead of talk, and most of all they can be extremely demanding, because they are hard on themselves due to someone being hard on them. When you find your mate is acting this way, once again you will have to talk to them about how it makes you feel, ask them to stop certain mannerisms, and if you are not living with them at the time, don't. Until she understands how you feel about her behavior and have made some serious changes, you will not want to live under her rule. These women have not allowed themselves enough time to heal and they are better off living alone.

Another major concern about women who have not healed from their abusive past is that they may be hiding the fact that they may be equally abusive. Some women turn into abusers themselves. She may have cut herself, threatened to hurt you in some way. If she has children or a pet, you will be able to see signs of whether she is abusive to them. If the children and pet tend to act afraid of her, most likely she has been violent toward them. Look for recent bruises and scars on the children along their face, neck, arms, and legs. Watch how the animal walks, he may have been repeatedly kicked by her and the children. If you are in her home, look for damaged walls and furniture. Sometimes children are responsible for the mess in the home, and if so, then ask yourself the question, "Why would the children ruin the house?" They may be affected by the past or the past is still going on and she just hasn't said anything about it.

Not every woman who has been in an abusive relationship has gone through professional counseling. So be mindful of how she reacts when put under stress, the way she talks to you, and how she handles conflict. If you don't pay close attention to the warning signs, then you will be inheriting an abuser yourself along with her abusive children. Instead of being her lover, be a friend and direct her to some help and if you are spiritual, pray for her and invite her (and the children) to your church, but whatever you do, don't make her feel ashamed for what she has done, belittle, or disrespect her, she has already had enough of that kind of behavior from her abuser.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Thursday

7 Things to Think About for Women in Abusive Relationships

You have been called names, threatened, lied to, physically beaten, kept captive in a room, told to keep quiet and yelled at to perform senseless acts all in the name of love by the one who calls himself your lover, boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.



People have judged you, advised you, cut you off, scolded you, and so much more just to communicate one thing and that is to leave him. The problem you are having with yourself and everyone around you, your mind and heart are not ready to leave at least not yet.

So the following statements will challenge you to look inside yourself and evaluate your world around you and hopefully you will be motivated to do what is right for you and/or your family before it's too late. It's time to take out a piece of paper, pen the thoughts that come to your mind as you read.

My daddy doesn't know me. Whether it was your dad or any man around you that you wanted to be close to as a young girl, but he just never wanted to allow you to get close to him, this statement is a part of the trouble you now face. If you had looked for love in the past in previous relationships but found yourself disappointed with man after man, then finally made yourself settle down, even though this man didn't seem to be right for you either, now is the time to ask yourself, have I really found daddy's love? What will it take for me to find the love and peace I desperately need? What will I have to do to stop my own cycle of abuse?

My mother contributed to the who in "am I." The way a mother communicates and acts with the men in her life is witnessed by her daughters; therefore she has contributed to the who that you have become whether you like it or not. If your mother catered to her man, yelled at him, loved him or hated him in front of you, some of your mother's ways have become yours. What will it take for you to stop what you are doing that is unhealthy to you and/or your children, and start doing the positive actions that will benefit all of you?

I can't risk my reputation amongst family, friends, and community. You have worked hard to become the many titles you are to the people that know you. If you sincerely would want to do something different in your personal life such as break off an engagement, divorce, or separate from your man, how would you go about doing it? Your plan could be one that makes the least amount of drama for you and those around you simply by stepping out on your own without speaking to anyone who knows you; rather, find assistance from strangers.

I am no better than I was a year, three years, or even seven years ago. Each passing year has not added to your being positively, but only took years of youth away, what steps could you make that would help you feel better about you? When was the last time you dreamed, planned, set a goal, and achieved it? Who or what would you blame for stopping you from becoming a better you?

I believe that by staying I am helping my man become a better one. If you believe that enduring his abuse is somehow helping him become a better man, then take a moment to review the scars on your body. Would you be willing to allow him to murder you, so that he can get on with his life? Of course not, but the women who have been in similar situations, literally allowed themselves to die at the hands of their men, was it worth it?

I am repeating the same life that women around me have lived or are living and I'm not happy. You have noticed that you are repeating their patterns, have you bothered to question why you do the things you do? Who is benefiting when you act out behaviors that have caused you to feel the way you do? From the house being organized his way to how you spend the money that is rightfully yours, is he treating you fairly? Are you treating yourself fairly?

The world would be better off without me. You may have never felt this way until he came into your life. The arguing, fighting, name-calling, choking and so much more will make anyone feel as if they want to end it all. However, if you can think of one thing that makes your life worth living, that is your sign that everything is going to be alright, you will just have to make up in your mind that you will do what is right for you and/or your children.

When you have finished thinking about your life and why you feel it is still worth living with or without him, there is a book written just for you, entitled, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate" written by me, Nicholl McGuire. http://www.amazon.com/Laboring-Love-Abusive-Mate-21-year-old/dp/1434818306

I wrote this book, because I once walked, staggered, and fell in your shoes, I never intended to love a gentleman who would later show me the mean, angry, and bitter side of himself. He had not only hid that side in the beginning from me, but from my family too. This book is every abused woman's diary of poetry although based on one woman's experience. The feelings and thoughts I express as it relates to being let down and abused by men at the mere age of 21 when most young women are supposed to be enjoying life. It also contains challenging questions similar to the ones in this article that encourages the reader to get back in touch with the things that once mattered such as your independence, love, freedom, peace, and more.

As women, we enjoy talking about the troubled souls around us, yet when it comes to evaluating ourselves, we avoid it like a plague. It's time to take control over your life and do what makes you happy! There is no one in this world that will bother to take care of someone who has given up on her self. This is one of the biggest secrets that men who control women know about them and that is why he won't hesitate to hit you and apologize just one more time, and then one more time, and on...and on...and on...until you defend yourself mentally, physically, and most of all spiritually.

Nicholl McGuire provides more insight and details in her book, Click Here!

Wednesday

How to Know Your Boyfriend Doesn't Love You

What is your definition of love? How do you determine whether a person loves you or not? Many people define love based on what they have witnessed their parents and other relatives say and do when it comes to love. Others may not have found what exactly love is amongst the people they know; therefore, they look toward books, movies, and music. Once they have found a definition of love they can agree with, they will show love in the way they feel most comfortable.

Do you know what your mate's definition of love is and does it align with yours? The following information will help you assess your own definition of love, understand his meaning of love, and whether or not it is even worth staying in a relationship.

What is your personal definition of love?

In order to determine what is your personal definition of love, you will have to process what it is not. We all know that love is not a hot moment in bed, a thoughtful card, financial help, physical attributes and other actions that are many times temporal and hold no real substance. In some relationships, the minute you anger me and I anger you, what we thought was love goes out the window and then we are contemplating whether we are a good match for one another. Those things we did for one another just aren't enough to say, "I love you!"

You have heard people say that love is action. What would your boyfriend have to do to show you that he sincerely loves you? By knowing the answer to this question, you will be able to determine if this is a part of your definition of love. You may also want to think about what were some of the things that he and others have done and said that made you feel as if they sincerely love you.

Let's think about the people around you who you know without a doubt sincerely love you. A clear sign they love you seems to have a pattern in their behavior toward you through good times and bad. For instance, when you have made them their angriest time and time again, they still pick up the phone and call you, acknowledge your birthday, share their personal dramas with you, listen to your stories, cry with you, comfort you and all around make you feel better. They are excited for you when good things happen to you. They make an effort to be with you on some of your most important days. You know that this is love in action.

Now think about your boyfriend. When you first dated, you may have taken the time to talk about your feelings for one another. Ask yourself the following:

How did it make you feel when he told you that he loved you?

Did he provide details as to what it is about you that made him fall in love with you?

Did what he tell you seem to provide the foundation that you two needed to grow the relationship?

These are questions you may already know the answer, but then again, maybe not. The relationship could have begun so quickly that you never bothered to explore what is your definition of love.

Do you understand his meaning of love?

Now that you have established what is your personal definition of love, it is time to think about his. If you have already asked him, "Do you love me?" and he simply replies yes. Then in order for you to feel more at ease, you may want to probe. "What exactly is it about me that you love? What is your definition of love?" Now he may tell you that he loves your hair, smile, eyes, walk, your talents, etc. However, you may be looking for something a bit more. If he isn't a good communicator, you may never be satisfied with his answers. Instead, think about the things he has said and done in the past, present, and what he has promised he'll do in the future. It won't be long before you realize that what he is saying and what he is doing isn't matching up that is why you are reading this article.

Now think about what you have done for him. Do you feel that you are the one that is holding the relationship together? If your answer is no, then you need to ask yourself whether or not you really love this man. You should be making contributions to the relationship by telling him positively how you feel, appreciating him for what he does for you, inviting him to places with you, surprising him with gifts, etc. However, if you are the one holding the relationship together and after repeatedly talking with him about your feelings, showing him how much you love him and still he has yet to respond in a loving manner, then you will have to determine whether this man even knows what it means to love.

Do you want to end the relationship?

After thinking about what it means to love and be loved and assessing whether your boyfriend sincerely loves you, now you will have to decide whether you want to end the relationship. Any woman who doesn't feel loved in a relationship has plenty reason to end it. Here is what happens when you know a man doesn't love you and he just won't tell you, yet you stay anyway.



Intimacy is absent. Deep kisses are now pecks on the cheek or nonexistent. Lovemaking happens at his convenience, not yours.

There is rarely any eye contact when he speaks or listens to you. He doesn't seem interested in what you have to say.

He disrespects you by not telling you where he is going, when he will be coming back and with whom he is going.

There is never time for you, because he is busy with job, family and friends.

Oftentimes he chooses to go places without you including visiting his family.

He rarely seems to share his thoughts and experiences with you. When he does, he is very careful to give you general information he knows he can't get a reaction from you.

You have caught him cheating. He promises he won't do it again, but he does anyway.

He is often critical of what you look like, what you say and do.

He often falsely accuses you of cheating on him to get you upset, so that he has an excuse to leave the home.

He talks negatively about you to family and friends.

He has text messages, voice mails, photos, and phone numbers of other women.

When you offer to sit down and talk with him about your concerns regarding the relationship, he finds an excuse to avoid the conversation.

If these signs and any others you may have noticed are showing up often in your relationship, you will need to end it for your own sanity. Don't allow someone to take advantage of you for their own personal gain. When it is clear they don't love you, end the relationship.

For more work by Nicholl McGuire Click Here

Monday

Not Ready to Leave Your Partner Even Though You Know You Should

You walked in late one night from hanging out with your friends, may be it was work, or visiting with relatives, "Whatever you were doing, you are late!" your abusive partner shouts. You ask him what is he so angry about. You tell him that you are a grown woman and you can do whatever you want and then it happens. He hits you hard in the face.

laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com
One evening you are over your boyfriend's apartment watching television, suddenly his phone rings, you answer and there on the other end of the receiver a friendly, female's voice asks you, "Who are you?" You tell her, she hangs abruptly. Moments later you hear the front door open, it's him. He starts off with a simple greeting, proceeds to the bedroom, changes out of his work clothes into something more comfortable, and then seats himself into his favorite recliner in the living room to watch the game. You decide that you need to talk to him about the woman who just called between commercials. He stares at you with eyes big, creases in his forehead, and the corners of his mouth frowned, "What are you talking about...what woman?" he asks angrily. You mention the phone call and how it makes you feel. After a heated exchange, you find yourself on the floor rubbing your back, he stuck his foot out and tripped you while you were trying to make your way to the bedroom. "Don't ever ask me again about any calls I receive! This is my apartment!" he yells.

A week later, he awakes one morning with a hangover and you don't feel so good yourself after celebrating a mutual friend's birthday party the night before. You feel a strange sensation in your stomach and jump out the bed rather quickly. In your haste the bed shakes, and he calls you a few chose names under his breath. After relieving yourself, you come back to the bed and sit on the side of the bed quietly, tears are rolling down your face, you just can't seem to understand why he just can't treat you any better. He attempts to pull you toward him and you resist. He starts yelling about how you are such a little girl, while calling you a few four and five letter words for not wanting to be intimate with him. Even worse, he says something like "...that's why I don't want to be with you anymore." So you scream back, "Well why are you with me?" He grabs you by your throat and proceeds to choke you. When that doesn't seem to work, he grabs a pillow to smother out some of your screaming. After fearing he may kill you, he takes the pillow off your face and apologizes profusely.

What you have just read are examples of what a single woman goes through in a relationship where domestic violence is prevalent. This is only one of millions of stories. According to the Family Violence Prevention Fund, 1 out of every 3 women around the world have been abused or coerced into sex by their boyfriends or spouses in their lifetime. Furthermore, estimates range from 963,000 to 3 million incidents of violence per year toward a spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend.

In October 1987, the first Domestic Violence Awareness Month was observed and it continues to go on to this day. As long as their are victims of domestic violence, then there will always be a program, a book, a talk show, a flier, or someone you know talking about the warning signs. See my article on How to Know Your Boyfriend is Abusive by Nicholl McGuire. I have firsthand experience with situations similar to the ones described earlier, and I am no longer a victim, but a survivor. At the young age of 21, while others were enjoying their college semesters without the worry of dying, I was going to class wondering if I would live another day, hoping my partner would change and praying no one would notice my scars. I experienced both dating and domestic violence. If you want to read my story in detail, then the book is entitled, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, and it is located online at Amazon.com, Target.com, Borders.com and Lulu.com.

Domestic violence sneaks up on you like a person creeping behind your back and then suddenly covering your eyes and shouting, "Guess who?" Relationships with abusers start off just like any other new dating experience. You are attracted to one another, you write emails, talk on the phone, go out to the movies and restaurants, etc. He meets your family and you meet his. He tells you how he loves you and you tell him in return. Then as the relationship grows older, the bad days come and it's during those times that the relationship is tested. Now in a normal relationship, you may agree to disagree, discuss issues like adults or you may even yell and slam doors, but you never use intimidating behavior, kick, slap, bite or choke.

However, in an abusive relationship that's just what you do and a simple apology is suppose to fix a wounded heart, a scarred face, a bruised arm, a broken, leg or some other injured body part. Then the cycle repeats itself he apologizes, you forgive him, he gets angry over something takes it out on you, then you cry, he apologizes, you forgive him and so on.

Meanwhile, you are telling yourself you are suppose to be smart, people are looking up to you, and you don't know what your family might do to him if they find out, so you keep quiet. In the game of winners and losers, you just lost, you made up in your mind that you don't want anyone to know. What's worse is your family may already know, but they have made up in their minds that they are going to look the other way and blame you behind your back, "Well you know how she can be. She has always been rather difficult to deal with."

What you may not have noticed is while you were confiding in your abusive partner about how your family makes you feel and the unresolved issues over the years you have had with them, he was taking notes inside his head and now he has more power to use against you. "That's why they don't love you. Stay with me. I'll take care of you...I love you ...forget about them!" Without no support from family and friends, you are left all alone, so you stay in the abusive relationship hoping things will get better. Well in Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, I speak to all women in these relationships who are laboring to love their abusive mates through my own experience and I ask you difficult questions between poetry and story-telling in the book. You know you aren't ready to leave, but you want him to stop hurting you. The problem with this kind of thinking is you are trying to control him by thinking that you can make him stop hitting you. As he may have already told you, "No one tells me what to do."

He is a jealous man and at first you thought his behavior was cute, but now you can't leave the house without making sure you are dressed appropriately and he better not catch you talking to a man for long, let alone chatting on the phone. "Who is that?" he wants to know. Yet, he often talks to women, goes out to lunch, stops by their homes, drive them in his car, sends emails, goes places without telling you, etc. and he always has an excuse, "Well that is my children's mother...that's my friend from school...that's my co-worker... don't ask me what I do, your not my mother!" He most likely is having sex with someone other than you, so that nagging feeling in your gut isn't the food you ate; you know the truth when you see him acting strange.

He is the master charmer, everyone loves him, but then again maybe a few see through his deceptive smile. Yet, when he isn't out in the public, he is blaming everyone, but himself for everything that goes wrong in his life. You are blamed for having children with him (if you have any), you are blamed for not keeping the house tidy, for not cooking like this person and that, for not making enough money, and anything else he can add to his list of "blame shame on you." He usually follows the blame game with the name calling to make you feel like you are going out of your mind, stupid, crazy, etc.

He wants to be treated like a man, the king of the house, boss or whatever other name he may call himself to make him feel important and you feel like his servant. The children are also subject to his abuse even if he doesn't hit them, they watch him hitting you. They will either try to protect you, act like him toward you, or indifferent. He will use them to make you feel guilty such as keeping you home to watch them, rather than respecting your decision to return back to work, attend college or a trade school, or start a business.

He has control over the money and you don't know what is coming in, nor what is going out. You don't know his ATM pin codes, email passwords, cell phone codes, where he keeps bank or credit card statements, pay stubs, address book, and other information. You are in the dark on issues and if he were to die, you wouldn't even know the name of his life insurance company.

When you finally have the strength to tell him you are leaving him, he will do or say anything to keep you. He will threaten you, tell you that he will commit suicide and/or make promises he will change. "Let's go to counseling...let's pray...you can go to work...do you need more money?" And like so many other women, you will hang your head down low, unpack your bags, and lay your head on his chest and cry. It's back to square one.

For thought-provoking spiritual messages by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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