Monday

What Your Abusive Mate Did to You is Playing in Your Head Like a Broken Record

You see yourself in the mirror, you sit down for a bite to eat, you talk on the phone, or you walk by your abuser on the way to the bathroom, and all you can think about is that thing he or she said or did to you the other night, two weeks ago, or a couple months back.  You think you are losing it, you attempt to shake the ugly scene(s), but it keeps coming back.  What to do?

Well, the explosive arguments don't go away easily.  Depending on how impactful they were on your mind, body and spirit, they will interrupt your routines like a breaking news report during a favorite television program.  The best thing to do is to keep pushing these negative scenes out of your mind and think about something else like: goals to complete for the day, children that need your attention, work, house chores, etc.  There are various instrumental brainwave music that helps with relaxation, getting to sleep, breaking bad habits, and more.  Try spending some time each day meditating on some positive affirmations and listening to music based on your need for the day.  So if you need study music, you would search for sounds that help with that.

While you are taking control of your mind, you have to know that those ugly problems will not go away until you start making plans to alleviate some of the stresses in your life like the toxic man or woman you continue to sleep with, buy for, assist, etc.  Give yourself a time out from her or him and start thinking deeply about your future and the children if you have some and how they are coping.

Getting out often as you can from a difficult partner will help you begin to focus on you and what you want out of life.  If things appear to worsen with your health, you definitely need to see a medical professional.  There could be some other things going on besides repetitive hurtful images of your partner.

What you don't want to do is keep nursing old wounds by frequently talking about them while not wanting to do anything about them but complain or cry.  You may have already talked to everyone you know about your issues or maybe no one at all.  If you are keeping a lot inside, then you might want to discuss with a spiritual counselor or someone on a domestic violence hotline.  He or she can guide you toward some immediate solutions, resources and other valuable information.

Another thing you don't want to do is enable the abuse by taking responsibility for an angry spouse's mistreatment of you, excusing it or pretending as if nothing happened.  Establish boundaries!  Tell this person, "I will not allow you to hit/kick/shove/curse me any longer..."  Now you may not want to tell the individual about calling the police or packing up and leaving, because you don't want to be further abused.  It is never good to let a violent man or woman know what your next move is unless you are ready for a legal, physical or passive-aggressive fight with him or her.  Putting up with abuse says, "It's okay, hurt me some more...I bounce back." to your abuser.  But the truth is, as long as you stay in the mess, the harder it is to bounce back.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic, Laboring to Love Myself and other books.

Sunday

Say Goodbye to Dad by Nicholl McGuire Book Released

This is a non-fiction book of spiritual wisdom, moving personal experiences, and awareness of issues that affect both sons and daughters who have had their share of daddy issues and are struggling to go low or no contact with these men.  The challenges of having a troubled father or guardian in or out of the home affect generations and if the pain of the past is left unaddressed, innocent people will suffer as a result.

Many women and men end up in miserable relationships due to connecting with mates who remind them of toxic relatives.  Once these hurting individuals come to the realization that they have been negatively influenced, mentally and/or physically bound, and made to feel afraid for years by men, who claimed to love them, it is time to make needed changes.

Let Say Goodbye to Dad  by Nicholl McGuire be yet another eye-opener to add to your life and help with your emotional, physical and spiritual journey toward being happy, carefree, and independent from the difficult father figures in your life!

Don't Share Personal Dreams Anymore with Controlling Partners

Do you really want to spend a beautiful time in a wonderful city you always wanted to go with your controlling partner?  Would you feel comfortable sharing your deepest secrets, your passions, your goals, and more with someone who has a history of turning everything positive you say into something negative?

Watch your mouth those of you who have suffered much so far with these abusive types.  You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.  Just imagine going to that jaw-dropping country-side with your angry partner only to be arguing about the price of something and possibly being physically hurt in that location.  Those images that were once so sweet and innocent in your mind are no more when you start thinking of that location. 

Years ago, I recalled a place where my abuser had yelled and called me many names.  It wasn't a special spot or some magical place I had dreamt of.  Yet, once I got out of that emotionally draining relationship, every time I passed that spot (for a long time), I thought about how he almost killed me there.

So this is a warning to those of you who feel like during your honeymoon period when you aren't arguing, there isn't much going on, and things seem to be well between you both, just remember, keep the desires of your heart to yourself!  Guard them.  It doesn't matter what the controlling individual's title is or how much he or she has done for you, know that when you reveal everything to him or her, it is only a matter of time that your mouth will get you into trouble.

Personal dreams, personal relationship with Christ, personal belongings, personal conversations, etc. are just that personal!  Controlling people will use marriage vows, material wealth and other things to get their victims to reveal what their next moves are--don't tell them, in-laws or mutual friends (no matter how nice)!  They will manage to take what you have said and benefit in some way. 

You have enough issues laboring to love an abusive mate, so rather than spend your hard-earned money on the troubled individual or on a temporary feel-good vacation spot for you two, save it for future battles like: a divorce, a job loss, a house or car payment, debt, your children's medical expenses, an exit plan, or something else important.

Don't let controlling people get the upper-hand on personal goals!  They have a way of making what you want to do their idea, their plan, or talk you out of doing what you sincerely want to do.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.

Thursday

Abused Victims: Jealous of the Exes Who Got Away from Their Abusers

As strange as it may seem, many victims in relationships are envious of exes who are free from abusive partners.  The upset isn't about so much what the exe had with the former lover/friend/spouse, but the jealousy is also stimulated by the thoughts that these exes are no longer swindled, bamboozled, or hoodwinked by their former manipulators.  Yet, current partners are.  Their jealousy tends to come out in bizarre ways from the way they disrespect a partner's children to rages over unintentional mistakes.  Name-calling, bad-mouthing and more are done by victims behind the backs of abusers and former partners.  Sometimes there are no obvious reasons other than angry victims being trapped in their controlling mates' webs while their minds go crazy.

I recall a moment where I met my abuser's ex-girlfriend and mother of his son and I had an odd feeling come over me.  When I look back, the woman was free--free from the nutcase I was with.  She didn't have to deal with the man's anger outbursts anymore.  She didn't have to worry over him being unfaithful any longer.  She wasn't concerned about what he did with his free time.  She had no ties to him other than a son, and the boy was growing up quickly at the time (he's now an adult), so she doesn't have to see or talk to him anymore to make arrangements with the father. 

Being in a past miserable relationship, that only got worse with time, I remember feeling envious of the exes, because they were no longer emotionally tied to my abuser like I was back then.  A couple of his "friends" had sex with him with no strings attached and one exe had a house, money and a car that she periodically allowed him access until I showed up.  I was far too concerned about my controlling lover/friend, who later turned into my fiancĂ© like:  what he was doing when I wasn't around, if he went back to exes for sex, etc.  When the time came that I had finally made up in my mind to let him go, prior to my feet doing the walking, I started feeling much better about myself and stopped being concerned about his former partners.

The day finally came when freedom was at my doorstep and I took it--no more trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole with him, his first family, and more.  With my whole being, I was ready to pack my belongings and leave the rest behind.  I felt so empowered!  Sure, I struggled with some leftover stuff from the relationship for a time, but I was so grateful to be away from that Loser--unlike many of you, I admit I got played!  Like with most women who connect with angry men, we just don't realize what we are truly getting ourselves into until after the fondness for them fades away.

Exes know the angry, controlling, bitter, name-calling, abusers better than current mates.  These survivors already had them, saw their exes nude, witnessed their ugly sides, got cursed out by them, and experienced far more with them then they we would ever tell.  So when the present partner/lover/spouse acts as if he or she has a gem on his or her hands and wants others to believe, "He's changed or she's different now."  We know differently, because we have already tested them.  The exes' eyes, hand movements, laughs, frowns, and other body language says, "No, I haven't...it's still me and if you would ever give me another chance I will crap on you like I did before."  God didn't raise any fools, think about that the next time you pray for someone getting back with an ex-partner, you don't know the whole story.

The last thing one should ever do is worry over an exe, even if a foolish partner did go back and have sex with every woman or man he or she ever dated, the truth is, the survivor is free, but the victim isn't and that is what makes him or her angry, jealous and more at times. 

So claim your freedom today and stop focusing on the past and envision a future free of the drama!  Remind yourself, an exe is an exe for good reason and it isn't always because of that story that the controlling man or woman in one's life tells.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.

Tuesday

The Side Effects When Daddy Just Wasn't There Emotionally, Physically

Screaming at you yet again for what appears to be no apparent reason, the fatherless son or daughter is in pain.  Pushing, shoving, kicking again wanting out of the box that reminds one of his or her abusive father.  So you thought you were over the grief when daddy died in your mind, body or externally?

Those who have grieved their fathers in healthy ways did so by facing the facts that Dad just didn't love them in the way that they should have been loved.  They read books, attended counseling sessions and did other things to free their minds, bodies and other things tied to toxic fathers and enabling mothers.  So when the opportunity comes to date a fatherless son or daughter, with much emotional baggage, the unsuspecting just don't know what they are getting themselves into when they do.  Rather than deal with issues, some will avoid dating any longer, others will persuade themselves into continuing a troubled relationship while abusers will deal with problems by abusing victims even more with their controlling ways.

There are side effects that sons and daughters experience when dad just wasn't all that he should have been to them.  Look out for the warning signs that you and your partner will continue to ride the dips of a roller-coaster romance until someone says, "I can't do this anymore!  I have issues!"

1.  Far too needy.  "Touch me here...Do this for me...I need you to go with me...Can you please stay with me, don't leave!"  Think for a moment, did the fatherless child spend years wanting a father who was always busy, never around, or had frequent "business" to take care of?

2.  Crazy about you keeping your promises.  "You said you would do this...You promised me...You never are there for me.  I hate you for not doing what you said!"  A partner is a bit over-the-top about those things you said you would do, but forgot about, couldn't do immediately, had trouble keeping, etc.  Daddy promised to do things too, but didn't or when he did his service was subpar.

3.  Yelling over the littlest of things while bringing up old issues about his/her family.  "What is up with that?" you might think.  Well, the father might have lost it quite a bit with his daughter or son  about whatever the issues--no matter how minor.  Maybe it was the mother guilty of this negative behavior due to the father's demanding ways.  Whoever influenced the fatherless son or daughter was a bit off, abnormal and now it is showing up in a dysfunctional relationship.

4.  Strict, demanding critical..."My dad didn't play...He was nothing to mess with...My father was scary...I didn't enjoy being around him."  Could it be that the things you say and do take your partner back to bad times living with a domineering father?  Does he or she act just like Demanding Dad?

5.  Violent.  Need we say more?  Did Dad/Step-dad abuse mom, children, pets, etc. in front of your partner? Violence is a learned behavior and when Dad was angry, his children watched and most likely handled life challenges in poor ways.

There are many other things you will start to think about and connect the dots as to why your abusive partner (or you) is such a mess.  You will also discover why sometimes you enable your partner and vice versa due to your upbringing or other familiar things that happened during childhood. 

When two people refuse to face the fact that they are troubled and rather seek to place blame on others, go into denial, minimize their issues, and do other things to run away from the truth, it isn't any wonder why the relationship suffers and people who know them don't like being around them very much.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.
 

Saturday

Another Memorable Experience of Energy-sapping Arguments, Name-Calling and Wishing to Be Anywhere But with a Partner

You chose that person who you once thought was something special.  You have been with him or her long enough to know that you made a major error.  So you have been working for months or even years trying to make that person behave, be nice, be understanding, be your ideal mate...so how is that coming along?  You exhausted yet?  Nope.  Those who labor to love abusive partners won't admit they are tired to most people; instead keep going, going and going...

Meanwhile, hair is falling out due to stress, stomachs are often in knots, and throats are sore from yelling/crying.  In time, the pain shows up in one's body in places it has never been before, and each day that passes by one is getting older and older from over or under-eating, drinking too much, staying up late, taking drugs, etc.  Some abused, self-righteous men and women will focus on what they aren't doing like, taking drugs or doing those other things that "bad people" do, yet they are toxic in the way they react to others while carrying ugly thoughts that sometimes spill over into the laps of their abusers.  No one is perfect, immune or good when they stay committed to hot-tempered men and women who have a history of abuse and continue to emotionally, physically, sexually and/or spiritually abuse others.  In time, these victims become just as corrupt and miserable as their pessimistic partners as I have mentioned in other blog entries.

I have noticed the weary looks on women's faces and the angry appearance that men have when they no longer like, love or really want to be in their relationships.  Neither will say too much of anything about the other, but the false affection and the numerous photos of yesteryear that appear on sites like Facebook, are dead giveaways of hurting couples.  They promote themselves heavily trying to cover up the fact that they are deeply saddened and regret the decisions they have made with an abusive partner.  They treat "likes" as if they are stamps of approvals on staying with their troubled mates.  These victims entrap themselves in boxes they call "relationships" or "good marriages" while convincing their selves they can't get out, because of what this Scripture says, what their debts tell them, the conversations they had with wishful thinking counselors, and more.  "I can't leave...I don't know...Maybe staying is what is best...I really wish things would be different...I will keep praying."  Even God is asking, "Why do you pray if you refuse to listen to me?  I have given you a plan to exit.  You are not to grieve the Holy Spirit.  Your body is the temple.  So why do you abuse it?"  So the Great Healer allows men and women to suffer in their mess until they awaken to the truth.

The older we get, the less likely we will rid ourselves of the core (soul) that makes us tick whether good, bad or otherwise.  If a man or woman has a history of hurting partners, what makes a current mate think he or she is anymore special?  Abusers don't discriminate.  They might tell their victims things like, "I love you...You are the best...I would never hurt you...Forget about those others..."  But the truth is, prey isn't special, they are gullible and live in bubbles believing only what they want and rejecting anyone or anything that tells them any different. 

How many times does an argumentative partner have to reduce you down to nothing before you realize your mate is mentally troubled?  How many more times do you have to go in the next room for fear that this is the day that a partner is going to give you a beating of your life or worse shoot you?  What might life be like if he or she was no longer in your life?

Energy-sapping arguments that never lead to any resolve are a waste of time.  Threats to leave fall on deaf ears--abusers know that victims love everything from their penises to their household financial contributions too much to leave.  Wishing to be anywhere but where you are is like looking up into the sky and wishing upon a star.  Have you returned home yet curious Dorothy from Kansas or are you still skipping down that yellow brick road relying on the Wizard to help you?  Returning home (in the spiritual realm) does not mean where you grew up when you have reached what it appears like a dead end street in a miserable romance, but returning home is welcoming you back--that independent person you were before you became dependent on an abuser's love, attention, affection, etc.  Home is indeed where the heart is and it all starts with you not parents, grandparents, old friends, children, etc.  Your "home" should be protected, loved, appreciated, and free not controlled, abused, hated, and ignored.  Return home and turn from victim to survivor!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of "Say Goodbye to Dad" -- this is the root cause why many women end up with abusive and/or angry men in the first place.  They have poor relationships with their fathers.    

Friday

Controlling People Don't Think They Smell, Unattractive or Believe They Dominate Others

Spend enough time with someone who enjoys telling others what to do and how to do it, and you will soon find that the individual isn't likable.  Teach the demanding a lesson or two, and of course he or she won't like it when you treat him or her the same way.  "Do this...do that...Put that there...You don't do it this way...Stop doing that...What do you think you're doing?"  Controlling partners don't ask, they command and when you don't properly do things, they grow increasingly frustrated with you and in some cases hysterical.

I thought of this when I smelled bad odors emanating from more than a few self-absorbed people in my lifetime who enjoyed ridiculing others.  What nerve they had picking on the unsuspecting when they weren't the least bit attractive since getting older, weren't physically fit, and thought they were overall "good" or "nice" people.  Call domineering people out on their judgmental ways and they are quick to defend their selves, and if they are the violent type, they will act threatening, curse, shove, kick, or slap you.

Although a smelly, unattractive, controlling individual might act quite caring of others in public, oftentimes, these miserable men and women are not that way behind closed doors.  They abuse mentally, physically, financially, sexually, and/or spiritually.  They are so focused on appeasing their five senses (using others) that they don't believe they are at fault about anything.  These deeply angry people are frequently inconsistent in what they teach and preach.  When they are caught not following their own rules, they look for revenge on the one that exposed them.  It is oftentimes, "She made me do it...If she would have just shut her mouth...If he hadn't got involved I wouldn't have...He didn't have to tell me anything, but since he did...I went there."  They have excuses for just about anything wrong they say, think or do.

So if you thought that it was strange that the controlling person in your circle acted as if he or she was the "best," "greatest," "cleanest," "most nicest" in front f every one else, meanwhile you know differently, blame it on their troubled minds.  They are not together emotionally, physically or spiritually.  There is a good chance they were abused in their youth and rather than re-learn how to respectfully communicate and love others, they prefer to spread their dysfunction.

Children living with them catch a lot from the self-righteous, controlling "I can do no wrong" type.  They are belittled, punished unfairly and isolated.  When adults are in a honeymoon period, they will act okay for a time, but when angry with one another again, they take their mood swings out on sons and daughters.  Rather than address issues, they use children like scapegoats.  Now the children are picked on for being smelly, unattractive, etc.

Stay in the presence of someone like this long enough and you will soon find yourself slacking when it comes to taking care of yourself too!  Create a plan that will eliminate some of this stress with controlling people like this.  You can separate yourself from the one causing you the most grief, limit your conversation with him/her, attend counseling sessions together or apart, sit down and discuss each matter with a partner as it arises, and control one's temper when it comes to children especially when you know what the root causes are concerning your mood i.e.) PMS, stressful job, male midlife crisis, death of a loved one, ex-partner issues, disorganized home, hunger, lack of sleep, little spending money, too many bills, etc.

Try to stay up today!  God bless.

Nicholl McGuire

Monday

Controlling Partners Teach Their Victims Well to Manipulate Others

Years of being with someone controlling will wreck havoc on your mind, body and spirit.  You will find yourself just as controlling, miserable, and manipulative as the abusive person in your life.  I have witnessed this first hand and I will tell you that people under years of mind control are untrustworthy.  Somewhere within, they will always feel like they ought to protect, respect, and appreciate their abusers at least in front of others.  But behind closed doors is typically a different story.  Some of the same tactics used on them, victims will attempt to use on their abusers.  They become quite good at them, but they are never isolated to just using their devious ways on their controlling partners, they will use them on others too i.e.) children, friends, co-workers, etc.

Some things that you or someone you know might need to be mindful of with these victims include:

1.  They will say one thing and do another.  Many victims will promise to do things but not follow through especially if their abusers object to their actions.  If you should confront them for not keeping their word, they may act threatening or mean.  These victims are good at shifting blame too.  It is never their fault it is always the other person(s).  They learned this quite well after years of being shoved, tripped, or cursed at by their abuser, "It is because of you I had to do that...don't make me hurt you!"

2.  They will swear they never told you something.  Since their minds are often confused with their manipulative partners, they will sometimes forget what they said to others.  If you should remind them of their conversation, they may admit their mistaken or argue that they know what they are talking about and you are wrong.

3.  They lie whether overtly or covertly.  Controlling individuals don't always speak the truth.  They may use intimidation, distraction and other things to keep from being exposed.  Victims will do the same when they don't want you in their business which usually includes more abuse/drama.  So out comes yet another half truth, some missing details, or hidden secrets covered with false or exaggerated story-telling.

4.  Watch your back.  Just when you think it is okay to share your views about their controlling partner, they will go into attack mode.  "Don't you say that...You don't know him...Stop saying that!"  You might have thought you were being helpful, but you were really not.  Victims aren't good friends and don't mind acting vengeful with loved ones.

As long as your loved one or friend is in a controlling relationship, the individual will never see that he/she is independent, strong, and has no need of the abusive individual in his or her life.  It might be quite difficult to see someone you know go through much pain, but remember the individual chose that life and we can't save a person that doesn't think he/she needs saving. 

Pray for the victims of mind control!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad

Saturday

Tolerating Abuse, The Hope Things will Get Better and the Other Women

Charmed into partnering with someone who claims he would treat you well, look after you, and more, but in time you realize that you aren't getting nearly half of what you are putting into the relationship.  You find yourself in love with the hope that things will get better and they do in short periods and then you are back to arguing, settling, crying, and wishing things would be different.

Some of you know you should have left the relationship as soon as it began, but you took a deep sigh and plowed right on into anyway.  You made yourself believe your partner was The One.  You told everyone just how great he is and now you are expected to live out your fantasy with him, because you worry over what people might say.  But you don't have to.  You can admit to God, country and family, "I messed up."  Chances are those people around you already found your guy out and know full well he just isn't a match for you.  However, pride for many of you won't let you do it and neither will the hope you have within.  There are many women who are broke, busted and disgusted hoping for something in their broken relationships that will never be.

The secret that many victims of manipulative men don't want to discuss is those other women.  One of the reasons they continue to put up with all kinds of abuse is because they are more concerned about their men going out and finding someone to replace them.  So rather than focus on freedom, these troubled women worry over their mates seeing someone else.  Why not use the possible distractions of other women to get out?  But the jealousy, insecurity, and anger one feels will keep her hurting and staying, hurting and staying.  I personally escaped when I knew an ex had other women he was interested in, because this meant he wouldn't be so focused on me after the break up and in time he wasn't.  I promoted his freedom like a person marketing a business, "You are free to do what you want...enjoy your life!  I wish you the best, don't worry about me."

There are patterns when it comes to loving someone who just isn't right for you and it starts with deception, the false belief that someone is great when he or she really isn't.  Then you forgive and claim to forget when they hurt you.  Life goes on without incident until the next time and the next.  The individual makes you feel like love will conquer all, only for you to realize you are being manipulated again and again.  "I love you...I will not ever do that again.  You can count me.  I really want this to work.  You are the best woman I have ever had," the charmer says. 

For you Christians, tolerating abuse is a sin.  You are bought with a price, a child of God!  Allowing someone to damage your spiritual being with lies, cheating, emotional abuse, and more has no scriptural basis.  Satan is a liar and oftentimes he uses his children of darkness to fake interest in the people and things of God only to get their material desires met i.e.) business opportunities, money, cars, homes, jewelry, etc. Some children of darkness will even go so far as to want babies that are just as evil as them.  Remember, Jesus paid the price for sin already, so why put yourself in a position to be a martyr?

Stay true to yourself and fix what you should have a long time ago.  Say no to abuse, false hope and forget about the other women. 

Nicholl McGuire  

Thursday

In Love with Mr. Potential - When the Victim Connects with the Wrong Partner

On an audio recording, I talk about someone who I call "Mr. Potential."  He is the guy that many women fall in love with knowing full well that he has far too many flaws to count, but they believe that he will change one day.  "If I just pray for this...I hope for that...buy him this...Just maybe he will change..." the victim tells herself after yet again being disrespected by her partner.

After years being around male relatives and friends, who dare I say it were nothing more than trouble for their women, these players, pimps, hustlers, pretty boys, and similar guys with egos the size of their heads, rarely do change!  The victims are in love with the false images they have of their partners.  They see things only in the way they want and will fight anyone who shows them any different.  Sound the alarm in an attempt to help the gullible/brainwashed/controlled victims and they will turn on you like a snake.

 Now I don't want any one reading this to think that women can't be just as bad, because they can be, but for purposes of this article I am sticking with discussing Mr. Potential and his victim. 

You know when you have made a bad selection in a partner when you find yourself frequently making excuses for him or her. These victims will lie, blame others, argue, and do any number of things to cover up the fact that their partners are just not right.  Rather than focus on the truth about their troubled men; instead they are distracted by things they don't like about exes such as:  the money he makes or doesn't make, his children, bad habits, explosive episodes, and more.  The anger within goes unaddressed.  The dissatisfaction in the relationship is often ignored.  The emotional and/or physical abuse is forgiven and forgotten until it shows up again.  These prideful victims just don't want to be honest with themselves and others that they messed up!

The only sure way to find the solace one needs in or out of a relationship is to start by creating emotional and eventual physical distance once you know for certain you are ready to stop thinking Mr. Potential will change.  One must not be swept away with feelings of missing an emotionally and/or abusive partner, wishes for things to be different, or cave into the pressure of family and religious doctrine.  God is not an author of confusion, but men and women are.  God doesn't put us in harms way, but we do.  The Holy Ghost provides us comfort, but hot-tempered men and women cause family discord.  This is why God warns us in Proverbs to stay away from an angry man.  But stubborn, desperate, needy women with emotional baggage connect with these type of men all the time.  Mr. Potential is a great actor and in time, victims learn how to act like they are happy with him even when they are not.  Couples in turbulent relationships will look to justify their sinful deeds while ignoring signs they are a mismatch (or unequally yoked).

No amount of buying gifts, baby-making, or saying nice things will make a bad connection between two people a good one.  Promises like:  "I will never do that again...I won't say that to you anymore" will no longer hold any weight with some victims and that is why these women end up being survivors.  They stand up for themselves in these bad relationships, stop wishing for things that just aren't going to be, and then move on with their lives.

Mr. Potential may have meant well when he proposed, married, and said how much he wanted a family, but his mannerisms say otherwise.  It would make sense to be discerning and take on the necessary actions to ensure one's mental and physical safety especially when children are involved.

Ditch what you thought a man should be and focus on what he is not to you and your family!  Then alert your support system and watch as well as pray during your healing process.

Here's to the future!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, and other books.

Tuesday

Ugly Relationships, Abused Women

It is quite foolish for a hot-tempered man, who has repeatedly abused a woman with words and/or fists, to keep thinking that his wife/girlfriend still loves, likes, cares for him, etc. in the way that she once did when they first met.  Many of these victims look and feel unhappy.  They might have a support network, good jobs, and dress well, but when certain triggers arise within, the kind that will make the whole room go silent, the abusive man might want to think twice about closing his eyes at night.

Some abusers don't realize that iron wears out that their girlfriends, lovers and wives are going to eventually do and say some things that will make these angry men worried, nervous and possibly scared.  When a man periodically hits a woman, often ignores her, or frequently says mean things to get under her skin, it would make sense for not only the victim to leave the relationship, but he too should plan an exit strategy sooner rather than later and before the police do the planning for him.  Most difficult men know they have no plans on changing.  Chances are, things between these men and their partners will get worse before they get better.  The cycle of pain will intensify in time as life stressors (pregnancy, taxes, bills, etc.) increase and health (menopause, andropause, obesity etc.) starts to fail.  So why spend one's precious years in a miserable relationship eating food to death or starving?

As I write, I think of some abusive men that took their women for granted and never thought in a million years their emotionally and/or physically abused lovers/wives would call the police on them and press charges.  I think of others who underestimated the strength of their women and now wear permanent scars as a result.  Then there are those couples that come to mind that still hang on to one another, but secretly hate being together and will use all sorts of passive aggressive techniques to express how they truly feel.  The petty fights, threats, and other things they do will eventually kill one another prematurely.  You just can't continue to be with someone for years that brings you down and keep good health.  Many people have died with broken hearts and more because they just couldn't take anymore stress coming from partners.

Looking on the beautiful side, when it comes to ugly relationships one can imagine a life of peace, happiness, and a wonderful future and begin to work on making dreams a reality.  He or she can start on a path of forgiving one's self for past mistakes, for choosing someone that God didn't intend and for neglecting one's self mentally and/or physically.  This individual can start fresh and learn to love self first before anyone else. 

Nicholl McGuire author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry. 

Saturday

What You Think You Know, You Don't - Emotional, Physical Abuse Comes Back Around

No matter where we are in the world, someone somewhere is being abused.  Whether the abuse is subtle with the abuser wearing a devilish grin or bold where the angry partner is pushing and yelling, we know that people who go through much difficulty in their personal and professional lives are not the most pleasant people to be around.

Sometimes we are unaware of what is really going on behind the luxurious lifestyles of those esteemed for what they have, who they know, and what they have done for others.  Some of those individuals who walk with such confident exteriors often feel small on the inside.  We often assume that it is the poor, broke and ugly that are abused, when the reality is that successful, beautiful men and women are abused too.

I think of a time in my young life where I was quite popular and many people admired me for my talents and skills.  But during what should have been a great period in my life, behind closed doors, I experienced things like:  called names over petty things, threatened when I didn't behave like my partner wanted, choked, hit and pushed when arguments became intense.  My roller coaster private life eventually affected my professional life. 

After getting out of one abusive situation, I later got involved with a serial cheater who didn't love women, rather he used them.  He was a follower of satanic principles, admired the late Anton Szandor LaVey (1930—1997), founder of the Church of Satan, and enjoyed reveling in the fact that he behaved better than many Christians he knew.  When I shared my personal faith with my former partner, the following year LaVey had passed, he commented, "You believe in that book of fairytales..."  His mockery increased as we grew closer.  Our arguments gradually intensified and I often felt a nervousness in my belly when I was around what I thought to be a gentleman turned demon to the point that sometimes I couldn't eat or sleep.  I was one of many women victimized emotionally by the charming man's misdeeds i.e.) cheating, frequent lying, pornography obsessions, lusting after young women/girls, hot temper, impatience, laziness, procrastination, selfishness, mean-spiritedness, etc.

It is quite ignorant of those who have never been abused to assume that "...something must be wrong" with the victims for making the choices that they make.  How about these critics haven't yet met the wolves in sheeps' clothing or better yet they don't know they are being swindled by those they think love them?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and other books.
 
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

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