Saturday

Leading Up to the Major Fall Out -- One Day Paramedics, Police Will Be Called

Behind the Scenes of Many Dysfunctional Relationships

They usually don't start that way, but then again, maybe.  Too blind to lust 
they don't see the light.


He didn't like the way she talked to him (even when he was in the wrong about things he did or didn't do.)

Pouting, silence, cursing, talking about her negatively behind her back.  "B-tches!  All the same."

She knew his thoughts just by the way he acted around her so she did the same.

This time she was at fault.  "Two wrongs don't make it right."

Complaints about the little things that grow into bigger things from debt to children. "You always want to do something with your family!  Who is that on your phone? What are you looking at on the computer?  You are such a liar!  Why do I put up with this sh-t!"

Children witness the arguments, they cry.  Couple yelling.  Children say, "I wish they would stop."

He lied about something again and so she caught him again.

Personal issues, women have them--young and old.  Checked or unchecked illnesses.  Miscarriages, abortions... But she didn't expect him to understand.  Relationship roller coaster.

Older now.  He has his health woes.  Aging and all that comes with it.  STDs, curiosity killed the cat.  He ain't 20.  In denial.

Ineffective family and friends all around.  They eat, drink and be merry around the holidays.  They listen to the couple's whispers, attitudes...complaints and then carry personal information collected to discuss with others, formulate opinions...badmouth.

Family. No interest in providing nothing more than lip service for the dysfunctional pair.  They say, "Should have never been together in the first place, oh well they reap what they have sown. Oh the poor kids to those two fools!"

Church visits.  And what were they supposed to do again?  Well-behaved at least in public.
"We'll pray for you."

Relationship counseling, he said, "No."  She said, "Yes."

Nothing seems to be working.

Life goes on...miserable.  But it goes on and on and on until one day...

The hate reaches its apex.

Someone yells, "Help!"

"She did this to me..."

"I can't believe him!"

The children scream.

Pain, oh so much pain! The kind that paramedics and police can't do anything about.

Family, "What?  No!  They had their problems...but we didn't know things were that bad."  Sure, play dumb for investigators.

Police arrive.

Paramedics rush into the house.

"Oh my God!"

Court.

Domestic violence counselors.

Back in court.

Lawyers can't afford them, represented by a public defender.

No money.

No bail out.

Wait your time.

Does this describe your future?  Get out while you still can!

Nicholl McGuire author of books featured on this site: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

Friday

Ambient Ambuse and Gaslighting - relationships, family

6 Signs Your Abusive Partner is Destroying Your Life

When was the last time you smiled genuinely in public and stayed content for longer than a few hours.  Did you experience that happiness when your partner was around or when he or she was away?  What about the things you once enjoyed prior to meeting your partner, are you still doing them and do they continue to bring you peace?

It is unfortunate, but many people in challenging relationships secretly are unhappy because they have learned there lives have been changed upside down (and not for good) by mean-spirited, selfish and downright evil men and women.  Their lives have been ruined in so many ways by abusive people that it has taken years for some survivors to get minds, bodies, finances, property, and more back!

The following are signs that you may already be in a situation or headed in a direction where your life may be significantly impacted for the worse by an abusive mate.

1)  You are often depressed.

Yes you have your good days, but they don't last for long due to the myriad of things that occur with your partner.  From shocking news to shady connections, he or she keeps you on edge.  Sometimes you find yourself not wanting to get out the bed much less leave your residence because you are so disappointed, tired, and deeply troubled by your partner's negative behaviors.

2)  You don't feel like you are healthy emotionally and/or physically.

You recall a time where you were physically fit or had more energy than you do now.  You also remember a time where you felt in control of your mind and your body.  Yet, with all of your partner's issues you just can't seem to get yourself together like you want.  Your mental health and bodily woes are at times upsetting to think about.  Meanwhile, you know who or what aided you to feel this way.  No more excuses!

3)  Your life revolves around your spouse's needs.

Every time you attempt to do something for yourself or others your spouse has say so on who receives your time and money.  He or she will go so far as to threaten to hurt you, his or herself or others if you should act like you want to do for yourself or leave this person.  So you wait on him or her, making sure you are always on call like a servant or a nurse rather than a partner.

4)  You have gone into much debt since being with this person.

Whether it is you, your partner or both, shopping is what you do to escape the negativity within and around your relationship.  You have reasoned that you need everything that you buy.  However, the truth is you are distracting yourself from the troubled individual in your household and using shopping to escape your pain.  While the debt mounts, so too does the stress.

5)  Your credit is ruined.

Your credit may or may not be impacted today, but you never know what the future might hold as long as you put up with someone who keeps persuading you to spend more money on his or her needs.  The more you give, the more he or she takes.  Your partner isn't concerned about your credit, but you should be.

6)  You don't have a good relationship with relatives and children since connecting with him or her.

Being in this challenging relationship has taken its toll on your relatives and children because they have simply grown weary of witnessing and hearing how controlled/manipulated/disrespected you are.  Who wants to keep listening and watching someone that they care about be used and abused?  Don't blame them for not wanting to speak or come around you.  Being with someone who treats you meanly will eventually show up in how you deal with loved ones.  Discerning parents see the difference in their child compared to the kind person he or she once was.  Daughters and sons see how negative you can become especially after your partner has angered you--do you really think they want to carry your burdens?  Grandchildren notice what is going on and in time learn to distance themselves too.

As much as an abused victim would like to think that everything is okay for now because he or she isn't being abused, it really isn't.  No matter how much you pray, know that God has his timing and if he is ready to heal someone he will, but if you don't see any evidence of healing, why falsely deceive yourself into being someone's verbal and/or physical punching bag?  There is only one Jesus who took on the world's pain and suffering and you aren't him, be free this day!  Leave the excuses, past memories, insults, wishes things would be different, and more at the cross...if anything run for safety from a man or woman who is in the hands of an angry God!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and other books that appear on Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate the blog.

Domestic violence help for women

Domestic violence help for men

Domestic Violence in the NFL with Jeff Kemp


Wednesday

Offensive Body Odor, Untreated Health Woes - Abusive Partner Tactics

He could do something about the odor that comes from lips, underarms, feet, and other places, but he doesn't.  She could do something about her chronic health issues, but why should she?  The two are fighting using their untreated health issues as weapons against one another.  Neither likes or even loves each other.  Both have common problems that could easily be fixed, but no, he or she doesn't believe that their problems are that bad because they are prideful and stubborn that is until a third party says, "What's wrong with you...What's that smell?  Why haven't you got checked out yet?"  Maybe they will do something or maybe not.

Abusive relationships are not only dangerous to remain in, but also crazy-making.  You can drive a person mad with your refusal to get treatment for a health woe that irritates any one of the five senses. There are those people who have been known to do some deadly things to others including passing on an STD to teach a lesson or two.  Sex and HIV Disclosure  Most couples never see one another's medical records so sometimes there is more to what is going on then what someone is telling.


What happens when the couple gets tired of fighting a health war?  Well one may cave in and do the right thing while the other may remain in his or her mess until the health issues get so bad that an ambulance is called or one is asked to leave.  Sometimes people just live separately whether in the home or elsewhere.  Although these bodily irritants don't seem like much, they can grow into bigger matters!  Just imagine having to live with someone who is unclean and who defends his or her not wanting to bathe as something special, spiritual, or just in one's mind who is accusing the person of being smelly?  How long would you put up with such things?  Are you making yourself deal with the issues when you would rather not?

Having a conversation about health challenges works with those willing to make a difference, but it does nothing for those who are hell-bent on not doing anything about their health woes.  You can simply state the consequences and stand by them or make alternative arrangements to live elsewhere before a physical altercation breaks out for the first time or yet again about something that might not be that big of a deal now, but may grow into something bigger later.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

Saturday

You Remember When...

 
BUT NOW?
 
Time doesn't heal all wounds especially
when people refuse to change.
 
____________________________________
 
by Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

Domestic Abuse: Relying on Police to Get You Out of Bad Relationship Might End Up Costing You Your Freedom

Not every phone call to the police ends up turning out in the way the caller might think.

Times have changed since the days our grandmothers and great grandmothers dealt with domestic violence, but there are still those in and out of law enforcement that have their personal bias views.  From the sexist father to the controlling mother-in-law, someone is telling a victim, "Just call the police..." when trouble arises.  But will the outcome really end up in the way that they think?

A number of victims have reached out to law enforcement only to find themselves being abused again before being sent off to jail.  But why?  Consider this, emotions are running high with everyone involved.  Critics feel you should have left the toxic relationship a long time ago, but you stayed. 

You might be the one speaking to the police one day unable to explain the details leading up to the abuse.  You may not remember what you or the abuser said or did due to the trauma experienced or worse so intoxicated that the police show up with handcuffs and don't even bother to ask questions. Meanwhile, the abuser appears to be stable, in control, and innocent while you look like you are out of control.  So you thought the police would help, huh, pay the abuser back for the pain you endured for months or maybe even years?  

Now let's look at recent days when nothing is really going on in the relationship other than the fact that you need to be preparing to move on with your life, because you just can't put up with an emotionally abusive partner anymore.  You do have a choice.  You can physically walk over to the door and exit before another emotional dispute breaks out or even afterward--no harm, no foul and most of all no police.  Another option, you can pack bags and boxes while the angry man or woman is away, again no police.  You can make arrangements with lawyers, law enforcement and anyone else while you have your mind intact and money in your bank account to break up, separate, or divorce once again without the worries of police, false accusations or jail time.  But you don't...it's a honeymoon period right now.  "Everything is okay...I'm good.  He's fine.  We have our problems...I'm not worried.  She's calm for now."  The abuser wins again, a little attention and affection.  You stay. 

So fast forward to the future.  What might you see?  A huge fight--yelling, cursing, lying, denying, blaming, threats, etc.  Maybe next time a partner, child, or pet is abused.  Someone calls the police, possibly you, falsely assuming that justice will be served, but it is not.  Believing that everyone will listen to your story, but they don't. Trusting that you are doing the right thing, but it ends up being the wrong thing.

You have your freedom today.  You have your peace of mind today.  But tomorrow?  Think about the future. 

Nicholl McGuire


God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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