When the Abuser Sets Children Up to Fail

The abusive one doesn't realize it but the wiring in the brain isn't connected right.  Fight up against truth, talk down to those who are only trying to help, kick people when they are down, use violence to get one's point across...you might know someone like this, what's worse he or she is a mother or father. 

Past programming beckons the once victim turned abuser to keep the generational cycle of abuse going.  "My daddy said this...my momma did that...We turned out alright.  Kids nowadays are soft." the abuser boasts.  Hit on his or her head, shoved down stairs, pushed into a wall, burned with cigarettes, called many names, beaten with sticks, belts or anything a parent could reach...and it was all okay.  Well we live in a different time and if those parents were honest with themselves and with others, periodic thoughts don't come together in their minds in a rational way when it comes to parenting children. 

- They can't handle too much noise.
- They are short-tempered.
- They are impatient when it comes to teaching children things.
- They are emotional especially when it comes to minor things involving their children.
- They have scars that never healed from abusive parents or guardians whether seen or unseen.
- They are nervous over things that others are not. 
- They are selfish and unkind when you get to know them.
- Some are very quiet or very talkative around select individuals.
-  When triggered, they appear to lose it.
- They may have their share of phobias

The side effects of the childhood adversity an abuser encountered shows up in parenting children sometimes without reason.  Abusive people don't always learn from what was done to them.  Rather, they repeat patterns in subtle or bold ways while denying they are hurting their children or justifying harsh punishments.  It all seems normal to them. 

For instance, past programming thought it was alright that Mom called daddy nasty names, lied to him, acted rowdy with others, and was mean to children; therefore, the adult daughter does the same.  Dad was intimidating, mean, controlling, and cold, so his son acts similar to him and finds dad's behavior admirable despite his dysfunctional ways.  The family plays ignorant or has selective memories about what it was like growing up in a tyrant's household.  The people who refuse to think about the past due to white washing from controlling matriarchs and patriarchs are told to remember the good times.  The unsuspecting are caught up in a web of emotional and physical abuse in intimate relationships, family connections, parenting their own children, and other connections by the hurting and wounded individuals.

A demanding or ineffective parent sets up his or her children to fail, because he or she could never meet his or her own parents needs and so the abuser projects his or her expectations on the children.  Sooner or later the toxic upbringing reveals truth.  It shows us just how bad the household is for the child.  If the abusive parent doesn't like his or herself much, he or she might expect the child to do better or could care less.  Well when pride gets in the way, the parent refuses to admit that he or she is not doing what is in the best interest of the child.

Consider times when a child asks for a basic need to be met, did the parent step up to the plate or make the child wait for long periods of time, punish him or her, or didn't do anything at all?  A simple request for something to drink, clean clothes, time with a parent, or an item to eat, did the parent break away from selfish pleasures to meet the need?  Did the parent finally do something after the child started having a fit? 

What about an older son or daughter who asks a parent respectfully or possibly firmly to stop talking negatively about the other parent, but is met with a slap across the face and told to never say anything else about the other parent or else?

How about the children who rarely witness any good between parents in the household, yet they are told by the victim that an abusive parent loves them and to respect him or her?  Observation and logic become skewed in the children's minds.  What is evil becomes good and what is good becomes evil.

What about when the abusive parent lashes out on the children just because he or she can't get whatever results he or she is after from the other parent like: attention, money, time, etc.

We can go on and on with examples, but the point is the abuser is systematically setting his or her children up to fail personally and/or professionally the longer he or she negatively impacts others.

Controlling parents are more concerned about their own needs, but not those of children.  Demanding parents put high expectations on children that they don't intend to meet or help children achieve, but it sounds and looks good to say and do certain things in front of others so as to appear like they are loving, kind, generous, etc.  But the children know differently.

Abusive parents don't realize that when they bring children into the world and refuse to change their selfish and/or evil ways, that one day grown sons and daughters will awaken to their lies, manipulation, and more and will no longer respect or appreciate them.  Depending on how much of the negative programming children have received from parents, they might grow up to be equally or more abusive than their parents while other victims might be very passive almost ineffective as a result of the childhood abuse they incurred.

Without proper guidance, a faith, support group, medication or whatever else a former victim needs to parent, abusive behaviors will show up whether triggered or not.  It doesn't matter if the parent is 16 or 60, abuse affects all.

Nicholl McGuire

On the Prowl - The Abusive One Looks for His Next Victim

He seeks his next target.

By the time he is finished with her...

His demands will cause her to lose the makeup,
change her hairstyle,
and stop dressing so nicely.

Stress ages the beautiful one.
Power and control suffocates love.
Peace is a dream.

Then on to his next victim.

"It didn't work...she was this, she was that..."

by Nicholl McGuire


It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug...

It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug...: Somewhere right now as you read this, a teenage daughter may have said something to her father that offended him so much that he gave her ...

Beyond Sex - Falsely Assuming Intimacy will Save a Broken Relationship

So sex is supposed to make things better? 

Wasn't it just last week, a month ago or a little longer that a woman or man complained about his or her relationship with an abuser.  And wasn't it not that long ago that he or she talked of breakup, separation or divorce?  What changed?  A sexual release.  You know the abuser is still the same.  He or she hasn't changed.  The dark side has went into hiding until next time. 

For those of you in love, lust, or like with a hot-tempered, mean-spirited ugly man or woman, you know how the story goes.  Everything is "okay, alright, fine" until the next blow up.  Turbulent relationships never remain peaceful, there is always something right around the corner that an abuser gets his or herself mixed up in (cheating, lies, stealing, fights, job loss, self-harm, etc.)  Evil men and women bore easily, get angry over the littlest of things, act self-righteous, cold-hearted, and pride themselves on emotionally and/or physically beating their victims down whether verbally, physically or non-verbally. 

The best thing that one can do is protect his or her heart from the abusive one.  Remember, in relationships like these the honeymoon is seasonal.  Abusers rarely change.

Are you planning to exit?  See blog entries related to this topic.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of the following:

She's Crazy
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Laboring to Love Myself

Scroll this site on the right to check out one of her books.

It's Not Over Once You Leave - Abusive Men, Women Can Be Like Mad Dogs

We saw recently what one can do when a handgun is in the wrong hands.  In the San Bernardino shooting involving an abusive husband and his estranged wife, media reports say he was at the school to drop something off to the school teacher, but what he was really there for was to kill her and himself.  Unfortunately, two children were caught in the crossfire of domestic violence.

What goes on at home, especially if the relationship is turbulent, doesn't stay there. 
Tell your business it just might save a life!

When one has a troubled mind the issues eventually show up and impact others--innocent children, relatives, law enforcement, paramedics, etc.  The husband had a criminal history in the San Bernardino shooting, an obvious red flag for the woman who married him, but she dismissed it.

From desperation to be in a relationship to needing help with the bills and/or children, many needy women drive themselves into relationships with abusive men--there is a good reason why that man has his share of  "issues" with a long track record of women who he just couldn't stick it out with.  But let us not overlook the fact that there are many other domestic abuse stories where men and women have no criminal history, but yet they are emotionally and/or physically abusive.  You don't suspect that the attractive, friendly, or outgoing person holding down a 9 to 5 is susceptible to taking his or her partner off the face of this earth one day.

According to a nonprofit journalism site, The Trace, a woman is shot and killed by a current or former romantic partner every 16 hours.  In 2014, the pro-gun control group Everytown for Gun Safety reported more than half of women murdered with guns in the U.S. are killed by domestic partners. 

Remember abusive men and women have been hurt by other abusive people and there are always signs leading up to the major blow up.  Rarely do these mean-spirited men and women participate in any counseling programs to assist with anger issues, unresolved grievances from childhood and rejection related matters during adulthood.  They expect their on or offline partners to be the answer to all their problems.  So these hurting people wear a false front to entice their victims appearing to be very charming, patient, kind, and almost Christ like. 

Sometimes when deceptive men and women are found out the same abusive tactics they used on their targets are reversed on them, but for those who are not mentally troubled like their abusers, they simply seek a way out of a bad decision.  However, exiting a dysfunctional relationship has its share of consequences just like remaining in a toxic one.

Years ago I recall telling my abusive partner, while he stood in front of a door refusing to let me exit a room, that it isn't the people out on the street that we should be concerned about, but the ones we live with.  I said something like, "I shouldn't have to live like this..."  He was determined to make me believe his lies after I learned some things about him.  He demanded I stay or else he would kill himself, and didn't hesitate to remind me who was in control. 

I got tired of the verbal, non-verbal and physical fights, I left only to return back to him after his "I still love yous...let's make it work...I promise things will get better...I'm sorry" at least four times during a nine month period before the police helped me exit that toxic merry-go-round for good.

Yet, the battle is never completely over once you leave.  You still have to watch your back.  He was seen driving by my parent's home soon after the last break up despite being warned not to be anywhere near me or my family.  Other times I saw him in the parking lot of my workplace.  And many years later he drove a relative home which he could have killed and our family would have never suspected it was him. 

Those who are currently laboring to love an abusive mate, stop the loving and get to walking if not for yourself for your children, pet, relatives, etc.  Think about the following while you make plans to exit:

1)  Will your name remain the same?  With the ease of finding people on the Internet, it won't take long to uncover a new residence by searching your name, birth date, and any other identifying information.

2)  Will you stay in your current hometown?  If that is the plan, then do you have a supportive network that your abuser can see coming and going out of your home?

3)  Do you have access to a hand gun?  He or she might have one already.  What do you do if suddenly he or she shows up one day brandishing a weapon?

4)  Does your family, friends, employers, and others know that you are no longer seeing that person and can they identify him or her?  One of the things I did after leaving my abuser was I made sure that the security officers at my job had a photo of him.  I also filed a Protection From Abuse (PFA) at the police station in my community and where he lived.

5)  Does your abusive partner have a joint account with you, name on property, and other shared assets?  If so, you might want to start working to get his name off some things.

6)  Does he know your hang out spots?  Chances are he will be there.

7)  Does he have access to your computer and phone?  He or she will monitor your activities.

Whatever an abuser learns about you especially if it involves the opposite sex, and he or she suspects that there is romantic interest, will trigger some very dark emotions.  When this happens, you will be a target for more abuse.

If you feel you are a victim of emotional, non-verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, seek the necessary help to assist you with a safe exit plan.  Don't endanger others by keeping private about what is going on with the abuser. 

When I think of the San Bernardino incident, I can't help but think of those children who may not have been hurt had that teacher made every effort to keep herself as well as others safe.  Too often people keep their so-called "business" to themselves or "don't want to snitch" and then bad things happen to people due to ignorance. 

After leaving the relationship, tell law enforcement about what you know about a troubled partner, share information with loved ones and mutual friends such as:  he or she owns a gun, this person has threatened to kill me or made veiled threats he or she would use it.  Also, alert security at your work and share a photograph. 

What goes on at home in abusive households, doesn't stay there.  Sooner or later someone or a group will experience the backlash when a victim has made up in his or her mind to leave.

Nicholl McGuire blog owner and the author of the following books:
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Laboring to Love Myself
She's Crazy
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men


Tyshan Knight ft Letoya Vinson- Focus on God (Audio) | New R&B Gospel

Part of Laboring to Love Someone is the Challenge of Getting Them to See the Truth

Obsessed with power and control, a mean spirited man or woman refuses to agree on anything even when it just might cost them everything. 

In their minds, they feel good knowing they could do the right thing, but they refuse. 
They covertly or overtly enjoy seeing others suffer.

Learn to work around the abusers in your life.

You really don't need them
as much as they would like for you to believe.


Leading Up to the Major Fall Out -- One Day Paramedics, Police Will Be Called

Behind the Scenes of Many Dysfunctional Relationships

They usually don't start that way, but then again, maybe.  Too blind to lust 
they don't see the light.

He didn't like the way she talked to him (even when he was in the wrong about things he did or didn't do.)

Pouting, silence, cursing, talking about her negatively behind her back.  "B-tches!  All the same."

She knew his thoughts just by the way he acted around her so she did the same.

This time she was at fault.  "Two wrongs don't make it right."

Complaints about the little things that grow into bigger things from debt to children. "You always want to do something with your family!  Who is that on your phone? What are you looking at on the computer?  You are such a liar!  Why do I put up with this sh-t!"

Children witness the arguments, they cry.  Couple yelling.  Children say, "I wish they would stop."

He lied about something again and so she caught him again.

Personal issues, women have them--young and old.  Checked or unchecked illnesses.  Miscarriages, abortions... But she didn't expect him to understand.  Relationship roller coaster.

Older now.  He has his health woes.  Aging and all that comes with it.  STDs, curiosity killed the cat.  He ain't 20.  In denial.

Ineffective family and friends all around.  They eat, drink and be merry around the holidays.  They listen to the couple's whispers, attitudes...complaints and then carry personal information collected to discuss with others, formulate opinions...badmouth.

Family. No interest in providing nothing more than lip service for the dysfunctional pair.  They say, "Should have never been together in the first place, oh well they reap what they have sown. Oh the poor kids to those two fools!"

Church visits.  And what were they supposed to do again?  Well-behaved at least in public.
"We'll pray for you."

Relationship counseling, he said, "No."  She said, "Yes."

Nothing seems to be working.

Life goes on...miserable.  But it goes on and on and on until one day...

The hate reaches its apex.

Someone yells, "Help!"

"She did this to me..."

"I can't believe him!"

The children scream.

Pain, oh so much pain! The kind that paramedics and police can't do anything about.

Family, "What?  No!  They had their problems...but we didn't know things were that bad."  Sure, play dumb for investigators.

Police arrive.

Paramedics rush into the house.

"Oh my God!"


Domestic violence counselors.

Back in court.

Lawyers can't afford them, represented by a public defender.

No money.

No bail out.

Wait your time.

Does this describe your future?  Get out while you still can!

Nicholl McGuire author of books featured on this site: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.


Ambient Ambuse and Gaslighting - relationships, family

6 Signs Your Abusive Partner is Destroying Your Life

When was the last time you smiled genuinely in public and stayed content for longer than a few hours.  Did you experience that happiness when your partner was around or when he or she was away?  What about the things you once enjoyed prior to meeting your partner, are you still doing them and do they continue to bring you peace?

It is unfortunate, but many people in challenging relationships secretly are unhappy because they have learned there lives have been changed upside down (and not for good) by mean-spirited, selfish and downright evil men and women.  Their lives have been ruined in so many ways by abusive people that it has taken years for some survivors to get minds, bodies, finances, property, and more back!

The following are signs that you may already be in a situation or headed in a direction where your life may be significantly impacted for the worse by an abusive mate.

1)  You are often depressed.

Yes you have your good days, but they don't last for long due to the myriad of things that occur with your partner.  From shocking news to shady connections, he or she keeps you on edge.  Sometimes you find yourself not wanting to get out the bed much less leave your residence because you are so disappointed, tired, and deeply troubled by your partner's negative behaviors.

2)  You don't feel like you are healthy emotionally and/or physically.

You recall a time where you were physically fit or had more energy than you do now.  You also remember a time where you felt in control of your mind and your body.  Yet, with all of your partner's issues you just can't seem to get yourself together like you want.  Your mental health and bodily woes are at times upsetting to think about.  Meanwhile, you know who or what aided you to feel this way.  No more excuses!

3)  Your life revolves around your spouse's needs.

Every time you attempt to do something for yourself or others your spouse has say so on who receives your time and money.  He or she will go so far as to threaten to hurt you, his or herself or others if you should act like you want to do for yourself or leave this person.  So you wait on him or her, making sure you are always on call like a servant or a nurse rather than a partner.

4)  You have gone into much debt since being with this person.

Whether it is you, your partner or both, shopping is what you do to escape the negativity within and around your relationship.  You have reasoned that you need everything that you buy.  However, the truth is you are distracting yourself from the troubled individual in your household and using shopping to escape your pain.  While the debt mounts, so too does the stress.

5)  Your credit is ruined.

Your credit may or may not be impacted today, but you never know what the future might hold as long as you put up with someone who keeps persuading you to spend more money on his or her needs.  The more you give, the more he or she takes.  Your partner isn't concerned about your credit, but you should be.

6)  You don't have a good relationship with relatives and children since connecting with him or her.

Being in this challenging relationship has taken its toll on your relatives and children because they have simply grown weary of witnessing and hearing how controlled/manipulated/disrespected you are.  Who wants to keep listening and watching someone that they care about be used and abused?  Don't blame them for not wanting to speak or come around you.  Being with someone who treats you meanly will eventually show up in how you deal with loved ones.  Discerning parents see the difference in their child compared to the kind person he or she once was.  Daughters and sons see how negative you can become especially after your partner has angered you--do you really think they want to carry your burdens?  Grandchildren notice what is going on and in time learn to distance themselves too.

As much as an abused victim would like to think that everything is okay for now because he or she isn't being abused, it really isn't.  No matter how much you pray, know that God has his timing and if he is ready to heal someone he will, but if you don't see any evidence of healing, why falsely deceive yourself into being someone's verbal and/or physical punching bag?  There is only one Jesus who took on the world's pain and suffering and you aren't him, be free this day!  Leave the excuses, past memories, insults, wishes things would be different, and more at the cross...if anything run for safety from a man or woman who is in the hands of an angry God!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and other books that appear on Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate the blog.

Domestic violence help for women

Domestic violence help for men

Domestic Violence in the NFL with Jeff Kemp


Offensive Body Odor, Untreated Health Woes - Abusive Partner Tactics

He could do something about the odor that comes from lips, underarms, feet, and other places, but he doesn't.  She could do something about her chronic health issues, but why should she?  The two are fighting using their untreated health issues as weapons against one another.  Neither likes or even loves each other.  Both have common problems that could easily be fixed, but no, he or she doesn't believe that their problems are that bad because they are prideful and stubborn that is until a third party says, "What's wrong with you...What's that smell?  Why haven't you got checked out yet?"  Maybe they will do something or maybe not.

Abusive relationships are not only dangerous to remain in, but also crazy-making.  You can drive a person mad with your refusal to get treatment for a health woe that irritates any one of the five senses. There are those people who have been known to do some deadly things to others including passing on an STD to teach a lesson or two.  Sex and HIV Disclosure  Most couples never see one another's medical records so sometimes there is more to what is going on then what someone is telling.

What happens when the couple gets tired of fighting a health war?  Well one may cave in and do the right thing while the other may remain in his or her mess until the health issues get so bad that an ambulance is called or one is asked to leave.  Sometimes people just live separately whether in the home or elsewhere.  Although these bodily irritants don't seem like much, they can grow into bigger matters!  Just imagine having to live with someone who is unclean and who defends his or her not wanting to bathe as something special, spiritual, or just in one's mind who is accusing the person of being smelly?  How long would you put up with such things?  Are you making yourself deal with the issues when you would rather not?

Having a conversation about health challenges works with those willing to make a difference, but it does nothing for those who are hell-bent on not doing anything about their health woes.  You can simply state the consequences and stand by them or make alternative arrangements to live elsewhere before a physical altercation breaks out for the first time or yet again about something that might not be that big of a deal now, but may grow into something bigger later.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.


You Remember When...

Time doesn't heal all wounds especially
when people refuse to change.
by Nicholl McGuire


Domestic Abuse: Relying on Police to Get You Out of Bad Relationship Might End Up Costing You Your Freedom

Not every phone call to the police ends up turning out in the way the caller might think.

Times have changed since the days our grandmothers and great grandmothers dealt with domestic violence, but there are still those in and out of law enforcement that have their personal bias views.  From the sexist father to the controlling mother-in-law, someone is telling a victim, "Just call the police..." when trouble arises.  But will the outcome really end up in the way that they think?

A number of victims have reached out to law enforcement only to find themselves being abused again before being sent off to jail.  But why?  Consider this, emotions are running high with everyone involved.  Critics feel you should have left the toxic relationship a long time ago, but you stayed. 

You might be the one speaking to the police one day unable to explain the details leading up to the abuse.  You may not remember what you or the abuser said or did due to the trauma experienced or worse so intoxicated that the police show up with handcuffs and don't even bother to ask questions. Meanwhile, the abuser appears to be stable, in control, and innocent while you look like you are out of control.  So you thought the police would help, huh, pay the abuser back for the pain you endured for months or maybe even years?  

Now let's look at recent days when nothing is really going on in the relationship other than the fact that you need to be preparing to move on with your life, because you just can't put up with an emotionally abusive partner anymore.  You do have a choice.  You can physically walk over to the door and exit before another emotional dispute breaks out or even afterward--no harm, no foul and most of all no police.  Another option, you can pack bags and boxes while the angry man or woman is away, again no police.  You can make arrangements with lawyers, law enforcement and anyone else while you have your mind intact and money in your bank account to break up, separate, or divorce once again without the worries of police, false accusations or jail time.  But you don't...it's a honeymoon period right now.  "Everything is okay...I'm good.  He's fine.  We have our problems...I'm not worried.  She's calm for now."  The abuser wins again, a little attention and affection.  You stay. 

So fast forward to the future.  What might you see?  A huge fight--yelling, cursing, lying, denying, blaming, threats, etc.  Maybe next time a partner, child, or pet is abused.  Someone calls the police, possibly you, falsely assuming that justice will be served, but it is not.  Believing that everyone will listen to your story, but they don't. Trusting that you are doing the right thing, but it ends up being the wrong thing.

You have your freedom today.  You have your peace of mind today.  But tomorrow?  Think about the future. 

Nicholl McGuire


He Said But God Say - Encouragement for Emotionally, Physically Abused Women

He said, "Stupid."  God says, "Fearfully and wonderfully made."
He said, "I hate you!"  God says, "I love you."
He said, "Crazy!"  God says, "I have given you purpose and a plan for your life.  You are blessed!"
He said, "You don't have...will never have."  God says, "You are prosperous and highly favored."
He said, "You won't."  God says, "I will."
Know who you are in Christ and what "he said" will never matter!

Check out YouTube Channel http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7

Feeling Lonely In or Out of a Relationship


She didn't realize she was living in an abusive relationship - married to Christian minister

6 Signs Your Abuser Wants You Dead - Domestic Violence Leave

You don't need anyone telling you how dangerous it is to stay with a violent man or woman.  When domestic violence occurs in a relationship, you leave.  However, it is easier said then done with some people.  They are hell-bent on staying because they think of the abusive person's impact on their lives.  From money invested in property to time spent on children, the victim starts reminiscing and unfortunately fails at successfully creating his or her safety plan.  One of the motivations for some leaving were those signs that clearly show an angry man or woman has simply grown weary of the victim and worse wants the person dead!

A serious wake up call to anyone in an abusive relationship is when they suspect that someone can't wait until your life comes to an end.  Rather they say and do things to stress you out enough so that you will want nothing more than to escape your miserable existence or worse push you into your death by physically harming you in some way.  Here are warning signs that an abuser has every intention of shortening your lifespan.

1)  He or she frequently disrespects you in mean and hateful ways and tells you quite boldly, "I wish you would die...If I could I would kill you myself."  Don't sleep on this kind of talk.  The person is speaking his or her hidden thoughts.

2)  Threatens violence verbally or non-verbally.  If you never thought an abuser would actually hurt you, but nowadays you think differently, you just might be closer to the end of your life than you think.  The threats aren't just lip service, but he or she has said things in a way like sooner or later the big payback is coming.  He or she intends to make good on the threats.

3)  Conducts searches on Internet about how to kill or discard a body.  Have you checked the Internet history lately, an online recycle bin, or viewed those documents printed and left out in the home office.  Of course, if you should confront your abusive partner with your findings he or she will deny his or her intent.  God is trying to tell you something.  Would you like to stay awhile longer to see what is on that crazy man or woman's mind come to pass?

4)  The abusive mate makes a point to remind you that at any given moment he can take you off the face of the earth by brandishing weapons.  He or she isn't showing you a knife, gun, bow and arrow, or anything else just for conversation.  The individual is letting you know he or she will not hesitate to use a weapon on you.  Don't allow your pride or training in self-defense make you falsely think that a partner "would never..."  Keep arguing and you never know when he or she will strike.

5)  Talks to others about what he or she plans to do to you.  What should be eye-opening is when a family member or friend shares that your partner whether drunk or sober said some awful things about you.  Maybe they were just joking, but then again maybe not.  Consider this, healthy couples don't talk about hurting one another to family and friends not even in a playful way.

6)  Attempts to make you ill or murder you by staging accidents, poisonings, etc.  You may not believe your partner is capable of doing such a thing.  However, think again.  Encouraging you to eat or drink something he or she knows will cause you to become ill is a slick way to watch you suffer.  Telling you how much he or she always wanted to go sky-diving, mountain climb, take a cruise, or go somewhere that accidents easily can happen is cause for alarm especially when you have already been threatened with violence by him or her.  How about getting you to do something unusual like commit a crime or introduce you to some strange people who have a criminal past?  You have to wonder just how much your partner hates you.

Maybe wishing you dead is a bit much, but hoping that anything bad happens to you says just how hurt he or she is and why you must think about moving on with your life.  It is obvious that love is non-existent and one is simply surviving in a bad relationship for material assets, children and other things.  In a scorned man or woman's perfect world, he or she would rather see the abuser or victim anywhere but with him or her.


Domestic Violence Awareness Media

The following is a list of items individuals and groups can use to spread the word about domestic violence.  Consider these tools when organizing an event, teaching classes, speaking and more.  People need to know that domestic violence happens every nine seconds.  Most cases go unreported.  The impact of family violence on other family members is long-lasting and may continue on affecting other generations.  Stop the violence, don't enable it!


Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men

She's Crazy - battered men


Every 9 Seconds

Shattered Dreams


No Harm Done (Songs Against Domestic Violence)

Rise Up Against Domestic Violence Through Music Vol. 1


PinMart's Purple Ribbon Survivor Pin

Domestic Violence Silicone Bracelet

Domestic Violence Awareness Shirt


No Amount of Love Will Change Your Partner

Praying, wishing, hoping, loving, and wanting your partner to change, you believe that love is the cure all.  You believe that if you just do everything right that the relationship experts say, your mother tells you, and of course the abuser, that all will be okay.

How much more money do you have to spend to buy peace in your household?
How often do you have to sexually please him/her?
What entertainment do you have to provide?
Where do you have to go and what do you have to do to ensure the abuser doesn't blow up on you?

The extent that a victim will go just to appease an emotionally or physically abusive partner would leave outsiders speechless.

No matter what you do for someone who has many unresolved past issues will never be good enough.  It doesn't take much to awaken the demon within.  Love won't keep the abusive man or woman from cursing, acting threatening, or even hitting you, the pet, or doing something else to get his or her aggression out.

How many more signs does a victim need to leave an abusive mate?

It's getting harder and harder to love isn't it?  More and more difficult to forgive and forget, right?

Well that is a good sign, my friend.  You are on your way to freedom!


Domestic Violence: Living in Fear | NPT Reports - Domestic Violence Documentaries


Putting Up with a Fool Makes One a Fool Too - domestic abuse, dating, marriage

I have had the blessing and the curse of having some very straightforward people in my social circles over decades.  The kind of men and women who give you the truth with no chaser.  "Look your boyfriend is ugly...I don't know what you see in him.  Stop dating broke men!  You are better than that..."  Can I say you need bold people like that around you until you are back on your feet again? As you progress, you might want to lose them, because negative people have their share of baggage and after awhile you outgrow them.  Anyway...

Look, I have been transparent for years all around the web and shared my testimony of freedom, peace and increase after coming out of a very bad relationship over a couple decades ago and another mentally draining one soon after that.  I personally want abused men and women to win!  Use their mistakes in life to propel them, but not continue to allow poor decisions to suffocate, bind, and rob them of better lives in the near future.

I have advised visitors to this site to do things like:  pray, visit a church, build up a social network online and offline, gradually emotionally and physically withdraw from an abuser, save money, avoid buying an abuser expensive gifts, contact the domestic abuse hotline, file restraining orders, document abuse, and so much more.  Whether readers took heed or not, for some they did and others not so much.  They are still hanging on to broken people while wishing and waiting for things to be different.

Putting up with a fool unfortunately makes the victim a fool too.  I know that isn't a nice thing to say, but the truth is the truth.  Too often victims look everywhere but within when it comes to answering the question, "Why do you stay?"  They pity people who are in similar situations while ignoring the fact that they aren't doing much better.  They ridicule or falsely assume that others' relationships are quite bad when in reality, they are the ones who are suffering.

Abusers like to redirect their victims' attention on people and things that have little to do with what is really going on in their current relationship, household, etc.  For instance, bad-mouthing exes, scolding children, gossiping about relatives, complaining about jobs, exaggerating daily encounters, and more.  They do these things to keep from victims finding out their lies, cover-ups, secrets, etc.

Controlling people never want their victims to ever examine or find out about things such as:   their personality disorders, mental handicaps, illnesses, and overall dysfunctional ways at home, work, church and elsewhere.  If one should really wake up and see the truth, the abuser will be alone without no one around to listen to his or her angry vents, cries, complaints, and more.

Some of these abusive men and women simply hate themselves.  They wish to be something more then what they are and because they are not that, if one should press the right triggers, you will see just how messed up they really are!

Many controlling men and women live their lives vicariously through partners and children.  Since they didn't make the cut in professional or personal lives in the way that they always wanted, they push everyone around them or break them down depending on how mentally disturbed they really are.  "Do this...do that!  You should really...You will go far, you just need..." a so-called good partner/parent/abuser says.  To the world the abusive one looks supportive, but those who know better, are stressed when around the demanding egoist.

If you don't want to be played by a fool, then you best not act like one!  So many men and women give up sex quickly, money as if they will always have more than enough, their last names, property rights, businesses, and more for fools!  These lonely, desperate and naive victims are swindled into thinking that a manipulator is going to take care of them, love them, and be all things to them when in reality abusers are selfish and opportunists.  They think, "What am I getting out of this relationship? What is he/she going to do for me?" while claiming "we" are going to do this and that.  Many abusive people are sweet-talkers when they first get to know their victims and then in time their many false fronts go away.  In time, you see the devil in an angry man or woman.

With each passing day that one who chooses to stay with a mean-spirited man or woman, loses what little joy deep down within he or she has.  Victims lose their health and beauty in time--faster than most.  Getting over some things takes longer.  A brain isn't as sharp as it once was due to so much stress.  The tension increases between abuser and victim until someone explodes.

So if one doesn't want to be in a foolish relationship any longer then make up in your mind this year that enough is enough!  Don't forget save that income tax refund money, you are going to need it if you are serious about developing your exit plan.

God bless.


Thinking About Divorce? - marriage, separation, break up


Leadership series - Mental Health Awareness - Schizotypal

When The Wounds of Abuse Don't Go Away

Permanent scars, they are evident on the faces, arms, backs and legs of many women and men who have been abused by intimate partners.  Creams, lotions, and other health and beauty items can't take away the unsightly markings on bodies or scars on one's heart.  Not everything is fixable.

Looking at the face of a forty-something woman, the scar tissue was beyond repair around her puffy eyes after being repeatedly left with black and blue markings on them on and off for well over a decade.  Another woman who had also been badly wounded over the years by her abuser had markings on her body that never went away.  A man who had been fighting with all his lovers in the past, presently lives with old scratches that never healed from the top of his hands after women clawed him over and over again from his attempts to choke them out.  Yesterdays war wounds are reminders of lost tempers.

The longer one stays in an abusive relationship, the more he or she finds self in a battle with a wound that doesn't go away easily if not at all.  Victims lie about where they got their markings from while abusers either go along with the fibs or quietly sit in silence faking ignorance as family and friends look on.

A once beautiful and vibrant man or woman ages much with each argument and/or physical fight with an angry partner.  There is a look in a victim's eyes along with old bruises that tell us, it ain't over.



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It's a New Year, New Changes But Maybe Not - Victim, Abuser Fights Go On

You hope, wish and pray for a better year now that the number on the calendar has changed, but those of us who have been in abusive relationships know better.  Things don't change just because a year has changed.  If anything, a toxic connection only worsens.  The words become more vicious, the trials more difficult, and the emotional and physical bondage only tightens as the years of abuse increase in number! 

It must be nice talking one's self into believing a relationship is getting better, but the truth is the abuser's temperament is simply put on ice for now...cooled off due to the holiday glee until the next issue comes up. 

Victims and abusers make a lot of promises.  They sugar-coat their difficult relationship with trips, treats, and deceit.  Deep inside the couples know they are not going to change.  The angry man or woman will be doing more of the same in the new year and the victim will continue to go along just to get along until she or he grows weary of the arguments, cheating, controlling behaviors, lying, hiding money, shaming, isolation, etc.

A moment of good fun, drinking, and a great atmosphere doesn't change the brokenness within.  The calendar days are marked off and so the drama continues.

God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?


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