The Wish for the Pain to Stop

Holiday seasons are being utilized for all the wrong reasons when it comes to volatile relationships.  Buy one's abuser as much as he or she can and hopefully no abuse will occur, the girlfriend thinks.  Gather favorite relatives and friends around and maybe a spouse will be on his or her best behavior.  Reach out to travel planners to make an abusive husband's dreams come true.  Oh the victims, what great lengths they will go to appease an abusive partner.

I recall the money, time and energy I spent in relationships with verbally and physically abusive loved ones.  I also remember wishing the pain would stop at least for awhile if only I could make them smile.  Instead of buying love, what I needed to do was address my pain.  The nagging feeling on the inside that a cheater was at it again.  The stomach pains from once again having an emotional outburst with a relative because I exposed one's lies.   The soreness in my bones from fighting an angry fiance.  It took multiple blows to my self-esteem and my body to recognize that I inherited problems that I needed to get rid of.  

We make mistakes that may have followed us for days, weeks, or even years, but those errors in judgment can be dealt with.  However, covering up the pain is not solving the problems buried within.  When we realize that someone isn't into us, doesn't like us, is playing us, or could care less about us, proving one's worth is not what a person should do.  Rather, you should work a plan to disconnect, disassociate and most of all live your life!

All the money that I spent on others could have been better invested, shared with those in need, get out of debt, or used to accomplish my dreams.  I thought as well as others that I was a good person during those times of being used and abused by going above and beyond for selfish people.  But "good" wasn't what accurately described me, it was naive.  Believing that just because a man told me an occasional truth, I reasoned, "I guess things are okay."  If he bought me something in return, "I guess he isn't so bad.  We will get over our problems. I'll just pray."  And we didn't get over anything, our disputes only intensified.  Again and again, wrong choices led to more pain.  I wanted it to stop, but I didn't want to face the part I played in aiding my pain.

You might be that one who believes your relationship isn't so bad.  You may have told yourself, "Well no one is beating me..."  Although you might not be taking any blows yet, you are being beaten down emotionally for every heated argument you have with someone who doesn't fight fair.  You are allowing yourself to go through an emotional web of drama that you don't have to be caught up in.  Yet, so many victims don't ever become survivors because they choose to stay in a web of pain.  They are either almost out of a turbulent relationship or get out only to end up back in the arms of those who use and abuse them yet again.

Nicholl McGuire


I Cried for a Long Time and Then I Stopped

The tears came often for a long time with every offense, secret found out, lie told, and more.  The emotional abusive, physically violent, and miserable type of men that came and went out of my life (as well as those who I had pushed out), I had grown weary of the tears I cried for them. 

Swollen eyes, darken circles, and that feeling of weakness that comes over you from crying so much had worn me down emotionally, physically and spiritually time and time again.  I even stopped going to church for a long time because I just didn't need to feel emotionally charged, crying yet again over all that went wrong was the last thing I wanted to do.  Yet, I eventually did go and kept going, and to my surprise, the guilt, grief, and other emotional burdens left.

As I grew older, more secure in myself, and taking charge of my life, I realized that the tears weren't falling as much as they once did.  I could care less about "the acts" that my abusers had put on to appear like they were so sorry and willing to change. 

I found myself holding back tears to not crying anymore for my past or present.  What was there to cry about?  Abusers rarely change.  They go into hiding with their occasional niceties and their kind words.  However, within them, there is often a dark spirit or two lingering waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting once again.  I was so done with socially sweet yet privately cruel abusive men and their evil twins!

You find yourself growing emotionally cold like the one who keeps hurting you.  You stop fighting verbally in time, but rather you physically withdraw.  You don't want him touching you, you don't want to smell him, you lose the desire to sleep with him, you find yourself slowly but surely living without him.  There may be abusive women that some of my readers are responding to in this way too.  Past abuse isn't easily forgiven.  Trust takes a long time to build back up again.  Life becomes one long drawn out miserable soap opera whose characters are typecasted in roles that they hate.  Yes, abusers might think they are getting away with much but what is really happening is they are aiding in the victim's motivation to get gone sooner rather than later!

Those tears I once cried were what I needed to build an exit plan and finally leave for good.  No hoping/wishing that things would get better in any toxic relationship whether intimate or not.  It took over seven times of leaving and going back to the physical abuser when I finally made up in my brainwashed mind back in 1996 to stay away.  Then about four times (possibly slightly more--can't remember) for me to break up with the emotional abuser about a year later and in between meeting them the brief courtships with other men, I ended within weeks.  Back then, my tears were slowly drying up and I wasn't thinking too much about what I was experiencing in the midst of my decision-making or witnessing their upset.

If there is anything to take away from this blog post is that you will reach a point in your laboring to love an abusive mate that you will stop crying and it doesn't always mean that you have grown cold, but that you are now learning to protect yourself emotionally.  You are finding that staying in a dysfunctional relationship is simply no benefit to you.  You are growing emotionally and learning to exercise self-control.  Abusive relationships are so out of control; therefore, one must strive to take back control.  You can't control the abuser, but you can control how you respond to him or her.

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy and Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.


Yes, God Hates Divorce...But He Hates Abuse More!

Scripture References for Further Study about Abuse (Note there are about 100 verses, this is just a sample).

Malachi 2:13-16 ESV (English Standard Version Bible)
And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”

Proverbs 10:11 ESV
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

Proverbs 10:6 ESV

Blessings are on the head of the righteous, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

Psalm 10:17-18 ESV
O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

Psalm 72:14 ESV
From oppression and violence he redeems their life, and precious is their blood in his sight.

Psalm 55:20-21 ESV
My companion stretched out his hand against his friends; he violated his covenant. His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.


Love & Abuse - teen relationship abuse short film

Feelings of Resentment - I Started Wishing They Didn't Come Home

I wish I could say that my feelings were isolated to one of the men who hurt me physically, but after getting out of that violent relationship and starting afresh with others, I felt like I was walking on eggshells with them too.  I started wishing that a couple more didn't come home either.  The sexist behavior, selfish ways, and the superiority complex that came with these men gradually showed up as I learned more about them.  It didn't matter that they were "so nice, didn't hit me..." but their words and disloyalty did.  The pain at times was far worse than what the physically violent man had done to me many years before--the ache was in my spirit and didn't go away at all for one person I was in a long-term relationship.  As for the other man, those negative feelings came and went and then returned again when the next offense showed up and the next.

What was going on with me was not only unresolved issues of the past, but a strong desire to make things work with incompatible partners.  The revelations were there early on, but when in lust you don't see the writing on the wall.  Also, when you have gone through so much, you only want to see the good in people sometimes.  You grow weary of being disappointed over and over again. 

I hated what was going on within and around me and I felt I had no control.  Crazy-making relationships with people who have large egos, large pockets, large bodies, and large everything else can be intimidating, delightful, and strange all at the same time.  We think that big is better in so many ways.  We admire men who have big homes, stand tall and big (because we revel in feeling protected), big "you know whats" for obvious reasons, big bank accounts and whatever else that is big and beneficial.  But when people and things fail, break down, don't look right, or even act right in relationships, those feelings of resentment begin to set in.  We ask ourselves, "What did I get myself into?"  And because one hurt us, then another and another, we run out of love, patience, and hope.  We begin to wish ourselves to be anywhere but with the person who walks through the door.

Nicholl McGuire
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, and She's Crazy.


October is Domestic Violence Awareness

Inspirational speaker, blogger of this site, and author Nicholl McGuire has many audios and videos about abuse on YouTube NM Enterprise 7.  Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness, we are featuring some of the most popular material from the channel.  Feel free to click on the one that best addresses your situation or a loved one.  May God bless you with peace of mind, courage, and favor with those who can help you get free :)

Power and Control - Who is Your Foe - family, friends, coworkers

The Exit Plan - Getting out of Situation - Emotionally, Physically Stressed

When the Abuser Uses Victim's Family, Friends


The Guilt-ridden, Ashamed Abusive Spouse

For every striking blow, curse word spoken, and silent treatment tactic used, a guilt-ridden and ashamed filled spouse will reap what he or she has sown one day. Eventually what was in darkness comes out into the light.  Cheating ways whether emotional or physical shows up with an unwanted pregnancy or worse incurable illness.  Drunkenness, drug use, lies and cover ups don't stay quiet for all eternity. 

Ancestry reveals the guilt and shame of past generations of manipulative and abusive great grandfathers, their sons and their sons' sons and so on.  For some reading this, they are presently actors and actresses in a life story that will one day be judged by upcoming generations as "sad, poor, bad, ridiculous, stupid...Why would he/she allow such things?" Future offspring will say.

The emotionally and physically abusive spouse believes he or she is the king or queen of his or her castle.  They use power and control behaviors to get their way and expect all in contact with them to bow to them or what others would say in a not so nice way, "Kiss their a$$."  From bragging about all they bought for a household (or not) to telling others how he or she "keeps a partner in check," their mannerisms do nothing more than send them to a sure ruin whether in this life or the next one.  A person who calls himself or herself a believer, while hurting others, is merely deceiving self.

Provoking children to wrath, the miserable parent who can't see the error of his or her ways, causes division in the household.  Gossiping, lying, and exaggerating stories, he or she carries unsettling information among kin.  Abusers are often liars and want nothing more than to protect their subpar reputation with others.  But people who know better, are not blind to the truth.  When kids speak up, stand up for what's right, they aren't testing any one's fragile man or womanhood, they are vessels used by God to show a man or woman his or her ugly ways.  Yet, abusers are quick to send a defiant child packing by any means necessary when confronted by one's demeaning behaviors.

I am no stranger to controlling men or women, so I speak as well as write boldly about the subject of domestic and dating abuse around the Internet.  Much of my work exposes the obvious as well as the not-so obvious about these mean-spirited, but guilt-ridden abusers.  They know they are guilty for things like:

1) A lack of affection toward a spouse which causes strife in the short or long-term in marriage.
2) Past and present lies told which will contribute to verbal and/or physical fighting.
3) A lack of transparency when it comes to finances resulting in distrust.
4) Self-delusion and denial especially when confronted on wrongs.
5) A failure to cooperate or compromise when the opportunity presents itself.
6) Adultery whether emotional and/or physical.
7) A respect for others outside of the home while putting family and friends through much when watchful eyes are not present.
8)  False claims that he or she loves, appreciates, and cares for family when in fact the abuser considers all a burden.
9)  No love for self and others.
10)  Stirring up strife within the family construct and elsewhere while presenting his or herself to be innocent.  This can come in the form of gas-lighting, ignoring, lies, threats of violence, etc.

You might feel led to add to the list criminal activities or illegal things that controlling men and women do on and off the job.  All of what has been mentioned is projected on to their victims in time.  Victims are falsely accused of doing the same things that the abusers are ashamed of whether covertly or overtly.  However, angry men and women have to appear like they are in control, powerful, admired, and of good character; therefore, they will deny they are breaking any regulations, laws, etc. but discerning people know differently. 

Abusers pride themselves on dressing nice, looking young for their age (if they are so lucky), owning nice things, and knowing important people. Meanwhile, deep within they are angry with themselves for once again not stepping it up in their marriages due to their emotional and/or physical cheating with others, abuse, repeatedly lying, and more.

Frustrated because they don't have the kind of personalities and energy to keep people interested in them, controllers take out their anger on their families.  They just don't have "it" like they used to, because they are older, have personal challenges, or simply aren't likeable people.  Bitter because they just can't seem to satisfy their need for material assets particularly on someone else's dime, frugal partners vent and act difficult when it comes to making purchasing decisions.  Jealous because they aren't attractive, successful, or entertaining like others, they spend much time at home or trying very hard to impress others when given the chance.  And so the list goes on.

With so much going on with angry men and women internally and externally (including overlooked personality disorders by family members), they get away with far too many deceitful ways that are later followed up with personal guilt and shame.  "I'm so sorry...Please forgive me...I don't know what I was thinking.  I love you.  You are the best thing that has happened to me," the abuser says,  yet he or she continues to punish his or her partner. 

If you know of someone who has a long history of being abusive toward one's spouse whether alive or deceased, keep in mind you don't take advice from him or her or trust someone like this (even if one is your own parent).  People like this rarely change for they are too hard-hearted and stubborn to see just how wicked they really are.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of some books displayed on this blog including the one this blog is named after, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate."


7 Definite Signs Your Partner Couldn't Care Less About You

Abusive, controlling, selfish individuals or addicts are in a world all their own.  They aren't the least bit interested in what is going on with those around them unless their experiences impact their wallets, roof over their head, and other comforts that they enjoy.

Cross an abuser and he or she will not hesitate to show you just how much the thrill is gone, they could care less.  Some abusive men and women will show off their new partners or leave evidence that they are on the prowl just to anger you just as much as they feel you have upset them.  Oh these uncaring people, know how to fake concern when they aren't quite ready to give you up.

As long as you are willing to make them feel good again, you are a keeper, but when you don't, they reason, "Why should I give a d*mn?  My partner isn't doing anything that makes me feel special."  Despite all the time and money spent, requests addressed, abusive people couldn't care less.

Since actions speak louder than words, how do you know your partner doesn't care for you like he or she claims?

1) You are hurting, bruised, in pain, or bloody and he or she offers little or no assistance.  One's partner is more concerned about covering your wounds up or pushing you to put on a great act around others. The abuser is overly concerned about image and what others may think.

2)  You have spent most if not all of your money paying household bills, gifts for the family, etc. and he or she doesn't bother to ask any questions and will not help you out of debt.  He or she blames you ad tells you shouldn't have done those things if you expected some help.  The abuser ignores your concerns.

3)  Your partner ignores or ridicules you for being physically ill or emotionally upset.  In his or her eyes you are faking, over-the-top, or crazy.  Abusers don't consider their actions or inactions are catalysts as to why one would react or respond negatively to them.

4)  He or she doesn't bother to express genuine gratitude or appreciation and doesn't like it when you do some things for him or her.  No matter what you say or do your cold-hearted partner will sooner or later find fault with or without a smile.

5)  Your mate doesn't genuinely celebrate your achievements.  He or she puts on an act and you know it, but you overlook the lack of expression.

6)  When you go out with your partner, take a photo with him or her, or attempt to communicate, you can clearly see he or she is unhappy being with you.

7) From a family emergency to an accident, the abuser is more concerned about the inconvenience it has caused him or her, but doesn't show much concern for your well-being.

Abusive men and women rarely show care unless of course there are watchful eyes around.  They know how to fake tears, alter their voices, and behave as if they love their family very much, but those of us who have been abused by them know better.

Before you assume that an abuser really loves, respects, and appreciates you, think again!  Some of these men and women are masters at manipulating anyone into believing what they want--what you see isn't what you see and what you need isn't what you need like someone sincerely loving you for you.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and She's Crazy.


Natural Disasters, Life Challenges and the Abuser

The inconveniences, money lacking, angry about outages, and more, an abusive man or woman is fuming on the inside about a threatening storm or one that has already passed.  People around him or her are watching him or her gradually lose it.  Knowing that the abuser needs assistance, he or she might be on his or her best behavior in front of others for a time before exploding one day on one's partner, children and/or pets. 

Controlling, selfish, jealous, temperamental, and raging abusers are difficult to ride a storm out with when all their comforts are pretty much gone.  Some become so bad that law enforcement has to step in which is actually a good thing because what victims dealt with behind closed doors is now in the open for all to see. This is a good time to move on with one's life in a relationship like this without the user and abuser.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

American Red Cross

Freddie Mac

Disaster Resources

Tax Relief

Those of you who are in emotionally and/or physically abusive relationships find yourself working overtime to calm your partners down, but sometimes all your appeasing does nothing more than aggravate the already irritated abusive one.  The best thing you can do is do your part to assist yourself and others in your family. 

Sometimes natural disasters and other life challenges are a blessing in disguise because people who you wouldn't ordinarily reach out to help you, you will during a tough time.  Something within a victim grows weary of carrying the emotional weight of an abusive partner and it is in that moment that one throws his or her hands up and walks away from all the drama or kicks the abuser out!  Too many battles will drive any one mad and when you are the one who is trying super hard to keep it together while the other is falling apart, you have to choose your battles.  

If you believe in a mighty God, then you know by now that storms show up not only to bring on destruction, but to awaken men and women up to the terrible reality they are living in beckoning them to do something about it.  Are you awake?

Nicholl McGuire, owner and contributor of this blog.
YouTube NM Enterprise 7
Face Your Foe
Messages for the Soul


Jill Scott "Hate On Me" LIVE

If I could give you the world
On a silver platter
Would even matter
You'd still be mad at me
If I can find in all this
A dozen roses
Which I would give to you
You'd still be miserable In reality
I'm gon be who I be
And I don't feel no faults
For all the lies that you bought
You can try as you may
Break me down when I say
That it ain't up to you
Gon on do what you do
[Chorus:] Hate on me hater
Now or Later Cause I'm gonna do me
You'll be made baby (Go head and hate)
Go head and hate on me hater
I'm not afraid of
What I got I paid for
You can hate on me... Ooh if I gave you peaches
Out of my on garden
And I made you a peach pie
Would you slap me out?
Wonder if I gave you diamonds
Out of my own womb
Would you feel the love in that
Or ask why not the moon?
If I gave you sanity
For the whole of humanity
Had all the solutions to the pain and pollution
No Matter Where I live
Despite the things I give
You'll always be this way
So go ahead and ... [Chorus x2]
You Cannot...
Hate On me Cause my mind is free
Feel my destiny
So Shall it Be [Repeat x2] [Chorus]


OVERCOME DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY - Motivational Video (Very Powerful)

Excerpt from Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by N. McGuire - Break Up to Make Up

There is an inner voice that all of us human beings have that warns us of things not to say or do. Many of us have this gentle voice inside, but we tend to suffocate it with what we want to do right now. If you are a believer, who has accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you most likely connect the voice to God, "But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you" (John 14:26, NKJV). However, at times we grieve the Holy Spirit by not listening and obeying. "Do not grieve The Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption" (Ephesians 4:15-16, 30, NKJV).
Let's say your instinct tells you during a first meeting with someone, "He's not the one. He cheats. He hurts women. He doesn't care about anyone, but himself." Yet, he distracts your inner voice with a kind deed, great conversation, and promises to bring something to you he thinks you like. You quiet that voice with, "I guess he isn't such a bad guy." Many women will give a guy like this a second, third, fourth chance complete with a homemade meal and sex. Who wins in the end? Of course, the manipulator does.
How long was one separated from the public charmer? Was it one, two, five, or 12 months? Maybe it has been years of missing one another and now the pair are back together. There was plenty of free time between break ups for Mr. Charmer to begin a new chapter with someone else and then suddenly abandon that short book while re-writing an old one. What did the break produce for the private abuser? Well for some of the men I knew, they were relatives and friends who impregnated other women, caught diseases, and did other despicable things between relationship breakups. So the pain comes flooding forth once again for these hopeful women who just wanted a drama-free relationship. The niceties are thrown out the window as the storm of curse words come flooding forth; Mr. Charmer is caught off guard, "How did you know? That's not what happened, what I meant to say was...What is going on? I thought things would be different this time?" He must have forgotten the lies he told, the paperwork cover-ups, the people who don't like him and snitched, the after work trips to everywhere but home, as well as the e-mails, texts, Internet history, and other things he carelessly left behind.
Truth is hard to accept with men who feed off of building stellar reputations for themselves. How much money will he pay you to be quiet about what you know? What might he say or do to keep you from reporting those times he threatened or even beat you to the police? You might be contemplating everything from revenge to suicide while in a rollercoaster romance. Why doesn't this seemingly nice guy just behave himself?
He has his share of mental issues, the ones you and others know about and some stuff he has been keeping to himself for years. With hormone levels fluctuating, pains in his body, or unexplainable conditions, it is quite difficult to determine whether one has the strength to continue in such an energy-sapping relationship for a lifetime. There are just far too many challenges that have already happened and many more to come and unless one can endure the emotional and physical stress of being with a troubled partner, you will find yourself at times breaking far more off than you can chew.

Want to read more?  Get the book Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire


Mind Tricks, Mind Games - The Abusive Magician Waves His Wand

"Debonair, easy-going, friendly, charismatic, a pillar of the community, nice, successful, handsome, gorgeous..." these are just some of the words victims use to describe their former abusive partners.  Even after one hears their stories of pain, manipulation, cheating, lies and more, one look at these abusive people, and the listener is captivated with them too.  Abusive, attractive, yet downright evil people have tricks up their sleeves like magicians performing magic acts, they pride themselves on knowing they have led you into believing something once again that is untrue.

What sort of mind game did your manipulator play on you this time?  Was it a made up story about where he really went and who he saw while there?  Maybe it was a false promise that he or she had used for so long to keep your interest.  How about your favorite entertainment or a gift used to distract you to keep you from searching for evidence that you have been fooled yet again?  So a victim goes along with the programming.  He or she convinces his or herself that a partner or spouse wouldn't lie again, wouldn't go back to that place, visit a lover another time, hit, kick, or curse again.  "No, he wouldn't...She would never..."  But the abuser does.  Now what?

Most victims grow weary of the fight and simply settle.  "Boys will be boys," she reasons.  "Well, I did do some things to hurt her, so I guess I deserve this," a husband says.  Children look on in disbelief, "Not another fight, mommy promised.  Daddy said he wouldn't do that again."  Family members are concerned.  A victim says, "It is what it is."  But does it have to be?

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, and She's Crazy.


Get Me Out - When the Victim No Longer Wants to Stay

The day that you make up in your mind that you will no longer put up with an emotionally or physically abusive partner, is the day that you are headed toward peace of mind.

You are now ready to focus on your future without the controlling individual dominating every aspect of your mind.  It can be challenging to plan for the day you are officially free from an abuser, but you can do it!  Encourage yourself!  Take baby steps toward independence and don't allow anyone or anything to discourage you in your quest to break free from toxic programming.

Survivors, who were once victims, recognized just how brainwashed they were in their past miserable relationships of power and control.  Abusers bully their victims.  They make promises sometimes keeping them, other times breaking them.  They dominate their lives with their demands.  The longer you stay, the more they keep you under their thumb.

Expecting someone or a group to rescue you from the clutches of an abusive person just might not come because most people will assume you have enough sense to walk out the door.  You can pray, talk with others, orchestrate an exit plan, but if your feet aren't walking, you are there to stay.  For many victims, they never make it out alive.

When a victim is serious about moving on with his or her life, he or she makes an effort to leave. Victims who have finally awakened no longer make excuses for the abuse they incur.  They are no longer weak to their abusers' charm or fearful of upsetting them.  They know they can no longer put up with their mean partners, so they make up in their minds to leave.

You might be that one in a toxic relationship.  You may need to protect children or you already sent them away, now it is time to prepare to get the abuser out of your dwelling or you leave until you have the support system to push him or her out.

Whatever you choose to do or whenever, just know that you can win!  You can be free of the controlling partner if you are willing to let go--activate your faith this day and let God!

Nicholl McGuire


Your Face Tells it All - Mistreated, Hurt & Confused

With so much going on in people's personal lives, you would think people in our nation wouldn't be living longer due to so much stress they are experiencing.  Yet they survive and with some, barely.

Men and women going through much trial, cover up their personal woes with laughs, nods, winks, eye-catching attire, expensive automobiles, and fabulous homes.  But those of us who have been mistreated recognize those who are going through much.  We can see through the smoke and mirrors.  Delusional people lie to themselves and others about what is really going on at home and caution children, "Don't tell or else..."

The eyes don't lie and yesteryear's bruises tell dark stories on victims' faces.  An abusive spouse or partner rarely admits that he or she is wrong when battles increase.  He or she may have once apologized almost immediately after an offense, but in time admitting to one's faults becomes a rare thing to do.  The mean-spirited partner has grown accustomed to getting away with verbal and/or physical abuse.

A victim's face in photographs, riding in a car next to a partner, while on the phone talking to him/her, or when a spouse's name is mentioned reveals much.  The mood is soon to follow.  An air of tension, negativity, and sometimes impatience, irritability or an unexplained emotional outburst is sure to follow.  When the victim is asked, "Are you okay?  Is everything alright?"  There is a negative tone of voice or a hurried statement, "Fine...Good.  The same.  Must you ask?  Let's talk about something else."  Witnesses eventually stop asking since they aren't the least bit interested in being drawn into the victim's negative space.

So when those in these troubled relationships wonder, "How does family/relative/friend know about me?  Who talked about my relationship?  What is wrong?"  Discerning people know better.  No one didn't have to tell them anything, a victim's face tells it all.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.


Abusive, Explosive Men Can't Handle Women's Issues

Menstruation, peri-menopause, menopause, PMDD, pregnancy, ulcers, clotting, depression, etc., women have their health woes and abusive men who are short on patience, selfish, and lack empathy don't take the news well about their spouses or partners' health "issues" especially when sex is impacted. (Please keep this in mind for those of you who counsel and treat women).

It doesn't matter how often these couples have sex or not, men who are angry for any number of reasons only become more irritated when women complain of cramps or heavy bleeding, are not able to assist them physically with household projects, errands, or business due to a variety of challenging symptoms, and have their share of the blues mentally and are not interested in being intimate.

Selfish partners will grumble, complain, ignore, or reject women even when they are trying their best to be attentive.  There is either very little or no communication because their controlling spouses are pouting and "don't like this...can't we do something...and why not?"  Some of these men are unwilling to listen or compromise much about their partner's health particularly when they know they are not going to get their needs met when they want.  Some will do little to wait on a partner who is unable to walk, care for children, clean household, or make meals. 

Once the abuser's wife or girlfriend is ready to be intimate, the abuser may not be or will punish them for the inconvenience by withholding sex for a long time.  Some abusive men will simply begin their quest to find a lover to replace a partner while blaming the wife or girlfriend for all that is wrong with the relationship.

You may have connected with a controlling man who complained about the women who he dated in the past not ever thinking about their health concerns.  He may have alluded to some problems, but you didn't think that one day the "too good to be true" man would act insensitive about your health challenges. 

Some women will rush to have sex with their abusive partners for fear they will cheat on them only to cause further health problems. They do not give themselves enough time to heal after surgeries, they refuse to treat illnesses for the length of time required, and they will push themselves to assist their partners with projects that require heavy lifting, excessive standing and bending.  Then these same women wonder why they can't seem to get better.  Meanwhile, a partner will complain to parents, siblings, friends or co-workers about "how she doesn't do...she doesn't like to help with..."  The unsuspecting doesn't have a clue about who the poor woman is living with because most abusers have two-faces that they wear.  The good, helpful, and loving guy image in public and the miserable guy at home who resents his good-for-nothing family.

When in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy, they could care less what you are suffering from, how long the symptoms lasts, and would prefer you keep your mouth shut about all that is wrong with you after he or she has already been told.  One individual told me in a condescending tone, "Your period comes every month, so what!"  Despite all of the education he received on my condition (which was worse than most women), he simply didn't care and I avoided him like a plague during that time too! 

These self-centered men or women's main concern is when will you be back to your old self and will "I get to be with you again real soon."  This isn't love or genuine care for you, it is all about him.  If the abuser doesn't feel you are getting better fast enough, he or she will psychologically push you to do what he wants when he wants using power and control.  An abuser's speech will sound like motivation and empathy but is really not--controlling people are being pushy and demanding. 

The emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman is about self!  He wants you to violate doctor's orders sooner rather than later to meet his needs so what about yours!  Don't fall for the charming, guilt or threatening speech!  Some abusers will go so far as to take some things away from you to get you to comply with their demands or worse use children against you. 

"Ever since you got sick, you don't care about me or the kids...get up!  You're not a good mom, because if you were, you would...I don't know what I ever saw in you!  How could you do your man this way?  I was there for you when I wasn't feeling good, so you can't just do this small thing for me!  It's not like you have to do something crazy, I just want you to...Well if you don't I guess I will have to..." the abuser says. 

Your health should be your main priority not an abuser and all the foolishness that comes out his mouth!  Connect with a support system because you will need it when you are down.  Law enforcement, lawyers, parents, home health aides, prayer warriors, social workers, doctors, therapists, extended relatives, friends, support groups, etc. are available to assist you with a cold-bloodied man.   

You live in your body and you are the one who has to experience all that comes with a health challenge not your partner or your children!  If you don't care about you, who will?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.


It's Such a Happy Father's Day for Some Families But Not All

Happy Father's Day should be reserved for the man who is actually the kind of dad that isn't abusive toward his family.  Yet, men everywhere who are fathers whether good or not are told the statement due to the holiday.  There is a father, stepfather, father-in-law or spiritual father that is either going to get an insincere acknowledgment out of fear from children, "Thanks Dad" or a pass on all the pleasantries on that day from disappointed relatives.

An abusive father knows that what he does for his household compared to the grief he caused his family via power and control is why he might not be appreciated, liked or even loved.  At times abusive men truly feel guilt, shame, and disappointment especially during holidays when other men are reverenced but not them.  What's worse they will project their pain on to the ones in the dwelling for not making them feel good whether overtly or covertly.  That's why one who knows that someone is living with an abusive man should think twice about making references to holidays and demanding that the family spend time with kin.  People on the outside looking in just don't know how much a family has to put up with when a man is down on his luck, acting difficult, jealous of others, feels like his back is up against the wall, and may like to drink much or use drugs.

Many victims grew up with dysfunctional dads while others didn't get to experience a father figure and so both are attracted to men similar to their own fathers.  Stories may have been told of dad being controlling, manipulative, mean-spirited, bitter, a cheat, etc. and for those who witnessed such behavior as children, a partner like this is all-too-familiar and for some this is why they stay, there programming is wrong.  They learned that abuse is tolerable and falsely believe that things will get better, "If I do this...say that..."

Children are sometimes forced to give dad presents or else.  "It's father's day, tell your dad you are grateful, show him some love...don't act like that, your dad loves you," says a brainwashed mother.

Kids are used like pawns in order to get a father to meet household demands he may not have wanted to do initially, but who can say, "No" to a sweet child?  Abusive men can.  They can be cold, calculating, and discerning when mom is putting children up to doing something for her and/or the family.  "So you all are treating me so nice because of a d&mn holiday?  You know full well, I don't do holidays--I could care less!"

If you have experienced such behavior mentioned in this blog from a father or suspect a loved one is in a controlling relationship, understand there is little that you can do.  Until a mother makes up in her mind to leave or get law enforcement involved to deal with the abusive man in her life, she and children will continue to suffer even on Father's Day.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books on this site.  Do check them out.

Power and Control - Who is Your Foe - family, friends, coworkers


Don't Tell Loved Ones You Didn't Know a Spouse, Partner Was Abusive

There is a big lie that one likes to tell his or herself long after the abusive behavior about a partner has been discovered and that is, "I didn't know my partner was abusive."  Yet, one knows now!  If you have been in a relationship for any significant time, you learned the truth, but you refused to accept it.

  • You knew the day the abusive mate called you out of your name.
  • You knew when you caught him or her in repeated lies and when you confronted your partner, you were intimidated, threatened, and wondered whether he or she was going to hit you.
  • You knew when he or she acted controlling with you, the children, finances, time you spent with others, and where you went.
  • You knew when he or she expected you to report back like a soldier checking in with a sergeant.
  • You knew when your relatives and friends noticed something they didn't like about your love interest early on and you attempted to persuade them to think differently.
  • You knew when the hair on your neck stood up, cold chills ran down your arms, and your stomach churned when once again your partner was angry about something you did or didn't do.
  • You knew when the abuser was harsh with the children and/or the pets.
  • You knew when he or she apologized profusely and promised it would never happen again, but "it" (whatever it is) did over and over again.
  • You knew when your abuser refused to admit that he or she has mental problems.
  • You knew when he or she revealed to you some disturbing details about others the abuser had been involved with.
  • You knew when he or she argued much with you about money and then those arguments led to him or her punishing you via economic abuse, emotional abuse using the silent treatment, passive/aggressive tactics, name-calling, withdrawal of sex, etc.
  • You knew when others told you about him or her hurting them whether verbally or physically and you thought it wouldn't ever happen to you.
  • You knew when you realized you pushed the people you loved the most away to appease your mean-spirited spouse.

You knew!  You knew! You knew!  And you continue to look the other way, make excuses, hide behind lies you and your abuser have conjured up about your dysfunctional relationship!  You knew who you got yourself mixed up with and you hate others when they expose your truth!

God sees.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of books you see on this site.  Purchase one today and read privately online, begin your quest toward FREEDOM today!


For the One who Feels Like He or She Has Given Up Much for a Partner

Let's have a reality check with self, shall we?  How much have you given up for a partner lately?  Many emotionally or physically abused women and men will give up much to maintain an unhealthy relationship even though they don't believe that is what they are in.  They will keep a partner around while later regretting much for having made some serious sacrifices in their personal or professional lives. 

So let's examine the lifestyle we had prior to meeting current partners whether we are in functional or dysfunctional relationships.  It doesn't matter how long ago it was that you met a partner, your emotional and physical health may be for the better or for the worse as a result.  Notice similar choices and sacrifices you made in this relationship and compare with others.  The information you uncover about you and others might be so troubling that you may want to sit down with a licensed counselor or meet with a pastor or support group for healing.

Sometimes we overlook negativity in relationships with partners or lovers because it is disheartening.  We don't want to believe that we are at fault about anything especially if the connection goes south, but we all play a part in the relationship's highs and lows.  Therefore, if we don't see the truth for what it is (good or bad, right or wrong), problems will do nothing more than fester leading to more challenges ahead. 

Divorce may be expensive, but needed for those who are sick and tired of riding the emotional or physical roller coaster with uncooperative partners.  Separation, relocation and other ways to disconnect are necessary when one has had enough of someone's secrets, lies and cover ups.  The police will need to be called if a victim is being mentally and physically abused.

Before the spouse or partner, what was your life like?

1) Living with someone, group or alone?  Was the individual or group controlling, had some kind of disorder, often angry and more?

2) Childfree, a child or children?

3) Dating with no strings attached or seeking a serious commitment?

4) Still involved with someone while out on the prowl.

5) Lying to friends and family about the mysterious man or woman's haves and have nots.

6)  Making excuses for lies uncovered with "the one" or other ones?

7) Independent and employed or seeking employment?

8) Debt free or much debt?

9) Fantasies of traveling, sharing interests, getting married etc.

10) Problems with family and friends or close knit drama free?

11) Church attendance, active or not?

12) Active with hobbies, inactive, or no hobbies?

After the spouse or partner, how has your lifestyle been impacted in the following areas?

Notice the differences in each area of your life using the above to help guide you in self-reflection.  What has changed regarding the following topics?  Have you grown or become stagnant since a partner's arrival?

1) Childhood family

2) Children

3) Friends

4) Money

5) Employment

6) Business

7) Hobbies

8) Holidays

9) Faith

10) Accomplishments

11) Losses

12) Personality

Take a moment to pray if you have a faith.  Ask your Creator for wisdom, guidance, and courage.  Once you recognize the truth about your involvement or lack thereof in the relationship, you will want to do some things differently and you will also expect your partner to change as well, but that just might not happen.

Think about this, a man takes up residence in your heart and household, how is your relationship with children now as compared to how it was prior to meeting that person?  What might your children be thinking/observing and will they possibly have a dysfunctional relationship of their own one day too?  Oftentimes people don't break up or delay a separation due to shared assets.  Besides income and debt being affected, what other areas of your life are drastically different since your partner has been in your life?

When victims in bad or somewhat bad relationships discover that what appears to be good in their partners really isn't, they rebel.  Players, pimps, hustlers. "mooch" types, etc. know how to charm to get their way and when it is time to pay up, they do little or nothing without selfish gain. 

Are you finding yourself fighting to keep a relationship together that is simply not worth it?  Do people around you see the light, but you?  Are you driving yourself mad with feelings of insecurity, dependence, so-called keeping the peace, and more just because you are trying to save face and are concerned about what others might think about your spouse or you?

Take out your calculator.  How much money have you spent this year that is directly related to meeting the personal needs/requests of your partner?  How much has he or she spent on meeting your personal needs when you called upon him or her for help?  It doesn't matter the amount you gave, were you available, was he or she?  Sometimes a money trail will reveal the truth about a spouse or partner, follow it sometime.

If you are a woman or man of faith, have you noticed that your prayer life, church attendance or involvement been impacted since meeting him.  Do you find yourself going more to church because you are stressed or overwhelmed with your family life?  Are you seeking God less since being with your partner?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.


10 Ways To Survive A Breakup

Recently, you may have received some news that an emotionally and/or physically abusive mate no longer wants to be committed to you.  Although you may have handled the news well in front of his or her face, inside you feel like dying.  The heartache, stomachache and headache you may have experienced or are still experiencing seems like it will never leave.  However, there is hope!  It may take some time to see the sun in your life, but eventually you will see it and it will shine down on you.  Storms never last for always.  The following suggestions are listed to help you heal through the break up.

1) Escape the past.

You created memories with your former mate when you visited certain places, listened to favorite songs, and introduced them to the people that you loved.  However, it is time to give yourself the freedom from those past images, places, and people for a time until you are mentally strong to handle memories that will come upon your mind and possible negative comments from curious family and friends about the relationship.

2) Treat yourself.

It may have been awhile since you have experienced some time alone.  In the past, you may have used your personal time to think of his or her needs.  Now is the time, if you haven’t already, to put your needs first.  Ask yourself what was it that you compromised for the relationship?  If it was something that was beneficial to you mentally and physically and did not cause you or anyone else any harm, consider doing it again (this doesn’t mean drugs, pornography, alcohol or some other negative habit.)  For instance, you may have been very active in a hobby and spent less time at home until he or she came into your life, take up what interests you again.

3) Visit with friends and family.

Some of your friends and family may have commented that ever since you met him or her, you don’t spend any time with them.  Now is the time to catch up with them and apologize if you are guilty for neglecting your healthy relationships.  In the future, you may want to schedule a healthy balance of time between your new mate, family, and friends.

4) Check out self-improvement guides, videos and counseling.

Don’t strike these items from your plan to heal from your break up.  There are many informative books that detail others experiences and how they managed to move on after a break up.  You will learn much from others’ stories and will be better able to handle relationship issues in the future when you accept constructive criticism.

5) Develop a career plan.

Sometimes a career objective is neglected when one is in a time consuming relationship.  If you really want to tell the world you are back and better than ever, do something that will fatten your wallet.  If you need to obtain additional education, then do it.  Wouldn’t it be nice to bump into your ex five years from now driving a car you always wanted, living in a house you always dreamed of, and most of all in love with someone who is so much better than him or her?

6) Plan a vacation.

You may have wanted to go somewhere that your ex didn’t want to visit.  Money may have also been a problem, because you were busily spending it on him or her, now you can indulge yourself.  Consider going alone or with a friend who has a great personality and money to spend.

7) Go to church / attend support group meetings.

There are many people who attend church not for religious reasons, but for spiritual ones.  They understand the need to look outside themselves when dealing with a challenging circumstance.  They know that there is someone or something greater than them and so they put their selves in a place with others who believe like they do.  You may want to associate yourself with people who are hopeful, positive, and willing to provide advice that may help you in your future relationships.

8) Take up a hobby.

With all your mental energy spent from thinking about your former mate, you may want to take up a hobby that will occupy both your mind and body.  Do something that isn’t demanding, strenuous and overwhelming.  The key when selecting a hobby is to find something that will bring out everything positive in you both mentally and physically.  You will know that you have picked something that is really befitting for yourself when people will comment positively on how you look and the way you act. 

9) Check out new entertainment.

When you have taken the time to do everything else on this list, why not throw a party?  You owe it to yourself to have a little fun with the people that you love the most.  If that is too much for you, then make time to go to a movie, bowling alley, sporting event, concert or some other place that will positively add to your life memories.  By getting out and about, you are discovering new things, creating an interesting life that you can share with the next person you meet, and distracting your mind from thinking about your past.

10) Start dating again.

There is no set time on how much one will spend healing from a break up.  Some people need years to heal; others may only need weeks, whatever it takes for you to heal utilize this time wisely.  Looking for a replacement is not the healthy way to get over someone; instead, you will find that not long into the new relationship you will be recreating a similar one from the past.  Your new mate will notice you haven’t moved on from the past and will break up with you.  It is better to take the time to do what makes you happy first!   Once you feel comfortable with yourself and what you need to achieve in life that satisfies you, then pursue a relationship with someone who has similar interests.  Be prepared to accept the new mate with flaws and all.  Tell yourself that he or she isn’t perfect and as you learn more about him or her, make a decision of what you will and will not accept in this new relationship before it gets too serious.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Face Your Foe on Confronting the Critics, Laboring to Love Myself, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry, and many other books, check one out today!


Child Sex Abuse - Signs And Symptoms

Child Sexual Abuse - Signs And Symptoms: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.


Should You Stay?

Sometimes people reach out to others wanting to know, "Should I just leave?"  Of course you should if someone is abusing you or you simply feel like you can't go on with that person.  But we advisers aren't in the hurting person's shoes.  The one who can best answer that question is the one who has to live in that household each and everyday with that toxic guy or gal.  If you are offended when someone "tells it like it is" then you most likely aren't ready to leave.  Some victims simply can't handle the fact that they made a lousy choice when they married, had sex, or had a baby with a partner.  So as long as you are defending, denying, and blaming, you won't leave--you are there to stay. 

Sometimes the abused isn't who or what you think.
For years, I have posted my personal experiences and opinion about abusive relationships and for years people have come to this site and blindly scrolled through the entries pretending as if my body of work doesn't speak to them.  Yet it does.  It is prophecy for what is ahead for those who haven't been pushed, shoved, spat on, or choked yet, but they will be.  The naïve will be cheated on and abused while others will remain with their cheating spouses and abuse. 

Abusive men and women have a sickness, a dark side.  Behind their grins and the occasional nice things they do for others is evil--children of darkness.  It's as if something takes over their minds and their bodies and they just do whatever they feel like doing.  If they want to yell, curse, cheat, lie, steal, have sex with someone else, etc. they will without a second thought.  When they come back to their senses, they might apologize, but they might not.  And what good is an apology when your hurt or your body is all black and blue? 

So should you stay?  Well that is up to you.  Rather ask yourself this question, "Do I love myself enough to leave?"

Nicholl McGuire


When the Abuser Sets Children Up to Fail

The abusive one doesn't realize it but the wiring in the brain isn't connected right.  Fight up against truth, talk down to those who are only trying to help, kick people when they are down, use violence to get one's point might know someone like this, what's worse he or she is a mother or father. 

Past programming beckons the once victim turned abuser to keep the generational cycle of abuse going.  "My Daddy said Momma did that...We turned out alright.  Kids nowadays are soft." the abuser boasts.  Hit on his or her head, shoved down stairs, pushed into a wall, burned with cigarettes, called many names, beaten with sticks, belts or anything a parent could reach...and it was all okay.  Well we live in a different time and if those parents were honest with themselves and with others, periodic thoughts don't come together in their minds in a rational way when it comes to parenting children. 

- They can't handle too much noise.
- They are short-tempered.
- They are impatient when it comes to teaching children things.
- They are emotional especially when it comes to minor things involving their children.
- They have scars that never healed from abusive parents or guardians whether seen or unseen.
- They are nervous over things that others are not. 
- They are selfish and unkind when you get to know them.
- Some are very quiet or very talkative around select individuals.
-  When triggered, they appear to lose it.
- They may have their share of phobias

The side effects of the childhood adversity an abuser encountered shows up in parenting children sometimes without reason.  Abusive people don't always learn from what was done to them.  Rather, they repeat patterns in subtle or bold ways while denying they are hurting their children or justifying harsh punishments.  It all seems normal to them. 

For instance, past programming thought it was alright that Mom called Dad nasty names, lied to him, acted rowdy with others, and was mean to children; therefore, the adult daughter does the same.  Dad was intimidating, mean, controlling, and cold, so his son acts similar to him and finds dad's behavior admirable despite his dysfunctional ways.  The family plays ignorant or has selective memories about what it was like growing up in a tyrant's household.  The people who refuse to think about the past due to white washing from controlling matriarchs and patriarchs are told to remember the good times.  The unsuspecting are caught up in a web of emotional and physical abuse in intimate relationships, family connections, parenting their own children, and other connections by the hurting and wounded individuals.

A demanding or ineffective parent sets up his or her children to fail, because he or she could never meet his or her own parents needs and so the abuser projects his or her expectations on the children.  Sooner or later the toxic upbringing reveals truth.  It shows us just how bad the household is for the child.  If the abusive parent doesn't like his or herself much, he or she might expect the child to do better or could care less.  Well when pride gets in the way, the parent refuses to admit that he or she is not doing what is in the best interest of the child.

Consider times when a child asks for a basic need to be met, did the parent step up to the plate or make the child wait for long periods of time, punish him or her, or didn't do anything at all?  A simple request for something to drink, clean clothes, time with a parent, or an item to eat, did the parent break away from selfish pleasures to meet the need?  Did the parent finally do something after the child started having a fit? 

What about an older son or daughter who asks a parent respectfully or possibly firmly to stop talking negatively about the other parent, but is met with a slap across the face and told to never say anything else about the other parent or else?

How about the children who rarely witness any good between parents in the household, yet they are told by the victim that an abusive parent loves them and to respect him or her?  Observation and logic become skewed in the children's minds.  What is evil becomes good and what is good becomes evil.

What about when the abusive parent lashes out on the children just because he or she can't get whatever results he or she is after from the other parent like: attention, money, time, etc.

We can go on and on with examples, but the point is the abuser is systematically setting his or her children up to fail personally and/or professionally the longer he or she negatively impacts others.

Controlling parents are more concerned about their own needs, but not those of children.  Demanding parents put high expectations on children that they don't intend to meet or help children achieve, but it sounds and looks good to say and do certain things in front of others so as to appear like they are loving, kind, generous, etc.  But the children know differently.

Abusive parents don't realize that when they bring children into the world and refuse to change their selfish and/or evil ways, that one day grown sons and daughters will awaken to their lies, manipulation, and more and will no longer respect or appreciate them.  Depending on how much of the negative programming children have received from parents, they might grow up to be equally or more abusive than their parents while other victims might be very passive almost ineffective as a result of the childhood abuse they incurred.

Without proper guidance, a faith, support group, medication or whatever else a former victim needs to parent, abusive behaviors will show up whether triggered or not.  It doesn't matter if the parent is 16 or 60, abuse affects all.

Nicholl McGuire

On the Prowl - The Abusive One Looks for His Next Victim

He seeks his next target.

By the time he is finished with her...

His demands will cause her to lose the makeup,
change her hairstyle,
and stop dressing so nicely.

Stress ages the beautiful one.
Power and control suffocates love.
Peace is a dream.

Then on to his next victim.

"It didn't work...she was this, she was that..."

by Nicholl McGuire


It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug...

It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug...: Somewhere right now as you read this, a teenage daughter may have said something to her father that offended him so much that he gave her ...

Beyond Sex - Falsely Assuming Intimacy will Save a Broken Relationship

So sex is supposed to make things better? 

Wasn't it just last week, a month ago or a little longer that a woman or man complained about his or her relationship with an abuser.  And wasn't it not that long ago that he or she talked of breakup, separation or divorce?  What changed?  A sexual release.  You know the abuser is still the same.  He or she hasn't changed.  The dark side has went into hiding until next time. 

For those of you in love, lust, or like with a hot-tempered, mean-spirited ugly man or woman, you know how the story goes.  Everything is "okay, alright, fine" until the next blow up.  Turbulent relationships never remain peaceful, there is always something right around the corner that an abuser gets his or herself mixed up in (cheating, lies, stealing, fights, job loss, self-harm, etc.)  Evil men and women bore easily, get angry over the littlest of things, act self-righteous, cold-hearted, and pride themselves on emotionally and/or physically beating their victims down whether verbally, physically or non-verbally. 

The best thing that one can do is protect his or her heart from the abusive one.  Remember, in relationships like these the honeymoon is seasonal.  Abusers rarely change.

Are you planning to exit?  See blog entries related to this topic.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of the following:

She's Crazy
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Laboring to Love Myself

Scroll this site on the right to check out one of her books.

It's Not Over Once You Leave - Abusive Men, Women Can Be Like Mad Dogs

We saw recently what one can do when a handgun is in the wrong hands.  In the San Bernardino shooting involving an abusive husband and his estranged wife, media reports say he was at the school to drop something off to the school teacher, but what he was really there for was to kill her and himself.  Unfortunately, two children were caught in the crossfire of domestic violence.

What goes on at home, especially if the relationship is turbulent, doesn't stay there. 
Tell your business it just might save a life!

When one has a troubled mind the issues eventually show up and impact others--innocent children, relatives, law enforcement, paramedics, etc.  The husband had a criminal history in the San Bernardino shooting, an obvious red flag for the woman who married him, but she dismissed it.

From desperation to be in a relationship to needing help with the bills and/or children, many needy women drive themselves into relationships with abusive men--there is a good reason why that man has his share of  "issues" with a long track record of women who he just couldn't stick it out with.  But let us not overlook the fact that there are many other domestic abuse stories where men and women have no criminal history, but yet they are emotionally and/or physically abusive.  You don't suspect that the attractive, friendly, or outgoing person holding down a 9 to 5 is susceptible to taking his or her partner off the face of this earth one day.

According to a nonprofit journalism site, The Trace, a woman is shot and killed by a current or former romantic partner every 16 hours.  In 2014, the pro-gun control group Everytown for Gun Safety reported more than half of women murdered with guns in the U.S. are killed by domestic partners. 

Remember abusive men and women have been hurt by other abusive people and there are always signs leading up to the major blow up.  Rarely do these mean-spirited men and women participate in any counseling programs to assist with anger issues, unresolved grievances from childhood and rejection related matters during adulthood.  They expect their on or offline partners to be the answer to all their problems.  So these hurting people wear a false front to entice their victims appearing to be very charming, patient, kind, and almost Christ like. 

Sometimes when deceptive men and women are found out the same abusive tactics they used on their targets are reversed on them, but for those who are not mentally troubled like their abusers, they simply seek a way out of a bad decision.  However, exiting a dysfunctional relationship has its share of consequences just like remaining in a toxic one.

Years ago I recall telling my abusive partner, while he stood in front of a door refusing to let me exit a room, that it isn't the people out on the street that we should be concerned about, but the ones we live with.  I said something like, "I shouldn't have to live like this..."  He was determined to make me believe his lies after I learned some things about him.  He demanded I stay or else he would kill himself, and didn't hesitate to remind me who was in control. 

I got tired of the verbal, non-verbal and physical fights, I left only to return back to him after his "I still love yous...let's make it work...I promise things will get better...I'm sorry" at least four times during a nine month period before the police helped me exit that toxic merry-go-round for good.

Yet, the battle is never completely over once you leave.  You still have to watch your back.  He was seen driving by my parent's home soon after the last break up despite being warned not to be anywhere near me or my family.  Other times I saw him in the parking lot of my workplace.  And many years later he drove a relative home which he could have killed and our family would have never suspected it was him. 

Those who are currently laboring to love an abusive mate, stop the loving and get to walking if not for yourself for your children, pet, relatives, etc.  Think about the following while you make plans to exit:

1)  Will your name remain the same?  With the ease of finding people on the Internet, it won't take long to uncover a new residence by searching your name, birth date, and any other identifying information.

2)  Will you stay in your current hometown?  If that is the plan, then do you have a supportive network that your abuser can see coming and going out of your home?

3)  Do you have access to a hand gun?  He or she might have one already.  What do you do if suddenly he or she shows up one day brandishing a weapon?

4)  Does your family, friends, employers, and others know that you are no longer seeing that person and can they identify him or her?  One of the things I did after leaving my abuser was I made sure that the security officers at my job had a photo of him.  I also filed a Protection From Abuse (PFA) at the police station in my community and where he lived.

5)  Does your abusive partner have a joint account with you, name on property, and other shared assets?  If so, you might want to start working to get his name off some things.

6)  Does he know your hang out spots?  Chances are he will be there.

7)  Does he have access to your computer and phone?  He or she will monitor your activities.

Whatever an abuser learns about you especially if it involves the opposite sex, and he or she suspects that there is romantic interest, will trigger some very dark emotions.  When this happens, you will be a target for more abuse.

If you feel you are a victim of emotional, non-verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, seek the necessary help to assist you with a safe exit plan.  Don't endanger others by keeping private about what is going on with the abuser. 

When I think of the San Bernardino incident, I can't help but think of those children who may not have been hurt had that teacher made every effort to keep herself as well as others safe.  Too often people keep their so-called "business" to themselves or "don't want to snitch" and then bad things happen to people due to ignorance. 

After leaving the relationship, tell law enforcement about what you know about a troubled partner, share information with loved ones and mutual friends such as:  he or she owns a gun, this person has threatened to kill me or made veiled threats he or she would use it.  Also, alert security at your work and share a photograph. 

What goes on at home in abusive households, doesn't stay there.  Sooner or later someone or a group will experience the backlash when a victim has made up in his or her mind to leave.

Nicholl McGuire blog owner and the author of the following books:
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Laboring to Love Myself
She's Crazy
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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