Friday

Jill Scott "Hate On Me" LIVE

If I could give you the world
On a silver platter
Would even matter
You'd still be mad at me
If I can find in all this
A dozen roses
Which I would give to you
You'd still be miserable In reality
I'm gon be who I be
And I don't feel no faults
For all the lies that you bought
You can try as you may
Break me down when I say
That it ain't up to you
Gon on do what you do
[Chorus:] Hate on me hater
Now or Later Cause I'm gonna do me
You'll be made baby (Go head and hate)
Go head and hate on me hater
I'm not afraid of
What I got I paid for
You can hate on me... Ooh if I gave you peaches
Out of my on garden
And I made you a peach pie
Would you slap me out?
Wonder if I gave you diamonds
Out of my own womb
Would you feel the love in that
Or ask why not the moon?
If I gave you sanity
For the whole of humanity
Had all the solutions to the pain and pollution
No Matter Where I live
Despite the things I give
You'll always be this way
So go ahead and ... [Chorus x2]
You Cannot...
Hate On me Cause my mind is free
Feel my destiny
So Shall it Be [Repeat x2] [Chorus]

Thursday

OVERCOME DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY - Motivational Video (Very Powerful)

Excerpt from Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by N. McGuire - Break Up to Make Up

There is an inner voice that all of us human beings have that warns us of things not to say or do. Many of us have this gentle voice inside, but we tend to suffocate it with what we want to do right now. If you are a believer, who has accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you most likely connect the voice to God, "But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you" (John 14:26, NKJV). However, at times we grieve the Holy Spirit by not listening and obeying. "Do not grieve The Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption" (Ephesians 4:15-16, 30, NKJV).
Let's say your instinct tells you during a first meeting with someone, "He's not the one. He cheats. He hurts women. He doesn't care about anyone, but himself." Yet, he distracts your inner voice with a kind deed, great conversation, and promises to bring something to you he thinks you like. You quiet that voice with, "I guess he isn't such a bad guy." Many women will give a guy like this a second, third, fourth chance complete with a homemade meal and sex. Who wins in the end? Of course, the manipulator does.
How long was one separated from the public charmer? Was it one, two, five, or 12 months? Maybe it has been years of missing one another and now the pair are back together. There was plenty of free time between break ups for Mr. Charmer to begin a new chapter with someone else and then suddenly abandon that short book while re-writing an old one. What did the break produce for the private abuser? Well for some of the men I knew, they were relatives and friends who impregnated other women, caught diseases, and did other despicable things between relationship breakups. So the pain comes flooding forth once again for these hopeful women who just wanted a drama-free relationship. The niceties are thrown out the window as the storm of curse words come flooding forth; Mr. Charmer is caught off guard, "How did you know? That's not what happened, what I meant to say was...What is going on? I thought things would be different this time?" He must have forgotten the lies he told, the paperwork cover-ups, the people who don't like him and snitched, the after work trips to everywhere but home, as well as the e-mails, texts, Internet history, and other things he carelessly left behind.
Truth is hard to accept with men who feed off of building stellar reputations for themselves. How much money will he pay you to be quiet about what you know? What might he say or do to keep you from reporting those times he threatened or even beat you to the police? You might be contemplating everything from revenge to suicide while in a rollercoaster romance. Why doesn't this seemingly nice guy just behave himself?
He has his share of mental issues, the ones you and others know about and some stuff he has been keeping to himself for years. With hormone levels fluctuating, pains in his body, or unexplainable conditions, it is quite difficult to determine whether one has the strength to continue in such an energy-sapping relationship for a lifetime. There are just far too many challenges that have already happened and many more to come and unless one can endure the emotional and physical stress of being with a troubled partner, you will find yourself at times breaking far more off than you can chew.

Want to read more?  Get the book Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Mind Tricks, Mind Games - The Abusive Magician Waves His Wand

"Debonair, easy-going, friendly, charismatic, a pillar of the community, nice, successful, handsome, gorgeous..." these are just some of the words victims use to describe their former abusive partners.  Even after one hears their stories of pain, manipulation, cheating, lies and more, one look at these abusive people, and the listener is captivated with them too.  Abusive, attractive, yet downright evil people have tricks up their sleeves like magicians performing magic acts, they pride themselves on knowing they have led you into believing something once again that is untrue.

What sort of mind game did your manipulator play on you this time?  Was it a made up story about where he really went and who he saw while there?  Maybe it was a false promise that he or she had used for so long to keep your interest.  How about your favorite entertainment or a gift used to distract you to keep you from searching for evidence that you have been fooled yet again?  So a victim goes along with the programming.  He or she convinces his or herself that a partner or spouse wouldn't lie again, wouldn't go back to that place, visit a lover another time, hit, kick, or curse again.  "No, he wouldn't...She would never..."  But the abuser does.  Now what?

Most victims grow weary of the fight and simply settle.  "Boys will be boys," she reasons.  "Well, I did do some things to hurt her, so I guess I deserve this," a husband says.  Children look on in disbelief, "Not another fight, mommy promised.  Daddy said he wouldn't do that again."  Family members are concerned.  A victim says, "It is what it is."  But does it have to be?

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, and She's Crazy.

Tuesday

Get Me Out - When the Victim No Longer Wants to Stay

The day that you make up in your mind that you will no longer put up with an emotionally or physically abusive partner, is the day that you are headed toward peace of mind.

You are now ready to focus on your future without the controlling individual dominating every aspect of your mind.  It can be challenging to plan for the day you are officially free from an abuser, but you can do it!  Encourage yourself!  Take baby steps toward independence and don't allow anyone or anything to discourage you in your quest to break free from toxic programming.

Survivors, who were once victims, recognized just how brainwashed they were in their past miserable relationships of power and control.  Abusers bully their victims.  They make promises sometimes keeping them, other times breaking them.  They dominate their lives with their demands.  The longer you stay, the more they keep you under their thumb.

Expecting someone or a group to rescue you from the clutches of an abusive person just might not come because most people will assume you have enough sense to walk out the door.  You can pray, talk with others, orchestrate an exit plan, but if your feet aren't walking, you are there to stay.  For many victims, they never make it out alive.

When a victim is serious about moving on with his or her life, he or she makes an effort to leave. Victims who have finally awakened no longer make excuses for the abuse they incur.  They are no longer weak to their abusers' charm or fearful of upsetting them.  They know they can no longer put up with their mean partners, so they make up in their minds to leave.

You might be that one in a toxic relationship.  You may need to protect children or you already sent them away, now it is time to prepare to get the abuser out of your dwelling or you leave until you have the support system to push him or her out.

Whatever you choose to do or whenever, just know that you can win!  You can be free of the controlling partner if you are willing to let go--activate your faith this day and let God!

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

Your Face Tells it All - Mistreated, Hurt & Confused

With so much going on in people's personal lives, you would think people in our nation wouldn't be living longer due to so much stress they are experiencing.  Yet they survive and with some, barely.

Men and women going through much trial, cover up their personal woes with laughs, nods, winks, eye-catching attire, expensive automobiles, and fabulous homes.  But those of us who have been mistreated recognize those who are going through much.  We can see through the smoke and mirrors.  Delusional people lie to themselves and others about what is really going on at home and caution children, "Don't tell or else..."

The eyes don't lie and yesteryear's bruises tell dark stories on victims' faces.  An abusive spouse or partner rarely admits that he or she is wrong when battles increase.  He or she may have once apologized almost immediately after an offense, but in time admitting to one's faults becomes a rare thing to do.  The mean-spirited partner has grown accustomed to getting away with verbal and/or physical abuse.

A victim's face in photographs, riding in a car next to a partner, while on the phone talking to him/her, or when a spouse's name is mentioned reveals much.  The mood is soon to follow.  An air of tension, negativity, and sometimes impatience, irritability or an unexplained emotional outburst is sure to follow.  When the victim is asked, "Are you okay?  Is everything alright?"  There is a negative tone of voice or a hurried statement, "Fine...Good.  The same.  Must you ask?  Let's talk about something else."  Witnesses eventually stop asking since they aren't the least bit interested in being drawn into the victim's negative space.

So when those in these troubled relationships wonder, "How does family/relative/friend know about me?  Who talked about my relationship?  What is wrong?"  Discerning people know better.  No one didn't have to tell them anything, a victim's face tells it all.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.

Tuesday

Abusive, Explosive Men Can't Handle Women's Issues

Menstruation, peri-menopause, menopause, PMDD, pregnancy, ulcers, clotting, depression, etc., women have their health woes and abusive men who are short on patience, selfish, and lack empathy don't take the news well about their spouses or partners' health "issues" especially when sex is impacted. (Please keep this in mind for those of you who counsel and treat women).

It doesn't matter how often these couples have sex or not, men who are angry for any number of reasons only become more irritated when women complain of cramps or heavy bleeding, are not able to assist them physically with household projects, errands, or business due to a variety of challenging symptoms, and have their share of the blues mentally and are not interested in being intimate.

Selfish partners will grumble, complain, ignore, or reject women even when they are trying their best to be attentive.  There is either very little or no communication because their controlling spouses are pouting and "don't like this...can't we do something...and why not?"  Some of these men are unwilling to listen or compromise much about their partner's health particularly when they know they are not going to get their needs met when they want.  Some will do little to wait on a partner who is unable to walk, care for children, clean household, or make meals. 

Once the abuser's wife or girlfriend is ready to be intimate, the abuser may not be or will punish them for the inconvenience by withholding sex for a long time.  Some abusive men will simply begin their quest to find a lover to replace a partner while blaming the wife or girlfriend for all that is wrong with the relationship.

You may have connected with a controlling man who complained about the women who he dated in the past not ever thinking about their health concerns.  He may have alluded to some problems, but you didn't think that one day the "too good to be true" man would act insensitive about your health challenges. 

Some women will rush to have sex with their abusive partners for fear they will cheat on them only to cause further health problems. They do not give themselves enough time to heal after surgeries, they refuse to treat illnesses for the length of time required, and they will push themselves to assist their partners with projects that require heavy lifting, excessive standing and bending.  Then these same women wonder why they can't seem to get better.  Meanwhile, a partner will complain to parents, siblings, friends or co-workers about "how she doesn't do...she doesn't like to help with..."  The unsuspecting doesn't have a clue about who the poor woman is living with because most abusers have two-faces that they wear.  The good, helpful, and loving guy image in public and the miserable guy at home who resents his good-for-nothing family.

When in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy, they could care less what you are suffering from, how long the symptoms lasts, and would prefer you keep your mouth shut about all that is wrong with you after he or she has already been told.  One individual told me in a condescending tone, "Your period comes every month, so what!"  Despite all of the education he received on my condition (which was worse than most women), he simply didn't care and I avoided him like a plague during that time too! 

These self-centered men or women's main concern is when will you be back to your old self and will "I get to be with you again real soon."  This isn't love or genuine care for you, it is all about him.  If the abuser doesn't feel you are getting better fast enough, he or she will psychologically push you to do what he wants when he wants using power and control.  An abuser's speech will sound like motivation and empathy but is really not--controlling people are being pushy and demanding. 

The emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman is about self!  He wants you to violate doctor's orders sooner rather than later to meet his needs so what about yours!  Don't fall for the charming, guilt or threatening speech!  Some abusers will go so far as to take some things away from you to get you to comply with their demands or worse use children against you. 

"Ever since you got sick, you don't care about me or the kids...get up!  You're not a good mom, because if you were, you would...I don't know what I ever saw in you!  How could you do your man this way?  I was there for you when I wasn't feeling good, so you can't just do this small thing for me!  It's not like you have to do something crazy, I just want you to...Well if you don't I guess I will have to..." the abuser says. 

Your health should be your main priority not an abuser and all the foolishness that comes out his mouth!  Connect with a support system because you will need it when you are down.  Law enforcement, lawyers, parents, home health aides, prayer warriors, social workers, doctors, therapists, extended relatives, friends, support groups, etc. are available to assist you with a cold-bloodied man.   

You live in your body and you are the one who has to experience all that comes with a health challenge not your partner or your children!  If you don't care about you, who will?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

Saturday

It's Such a Happy Father's Day for Some Families But Not All

Happy Father's Day should be reserved for the man who is actually the kind of dad that isn't abusive toward his family.  Yet, men everywhere who are fathers whether good or not are told the statement due to the holiday.  There is a father, stepfather, father-in-law or spiritual father that is either going to get an insincere acknowledgment out of fear from children, "Thanks Dad" or a pass on all the pleasantries on that day from disappointed relatives.

An abusive father knows that what he does for his household compared to the grief he caused his family via power and control is why he might not be appreciated, liked or even loved.  At times abusive men truly feel guilt, shame, and disappointment especially during holidays when other men are reverenced but not them.  What's worse they will project their pain on to the ones in the dwelling for not making them feel good whether overtly or covertly.  That's why one who knows that someone is living with an abusive man should think twice about making references to holidays and demanding that the family spend time with kin.  People on the outside looking in just don't know how much a family has to put up with when a man is down on his luck, acting difficult, jealous of others, feels like his back is up against the wall, and may like to drink much or use drugs.

Many victims grew up with dysfunctional dads while others didn't get to experience a father figure and so both are attracted to men similar to their own fathers.  Stories may have been told of dad being controlling, manipulative, mean-spirited, bitter, a cheat, etc. and for those who witnessed such behavior as children, a partner like this is all-too-familiar and for some this is why they stay, there programming is wrong.  They learned that abuse is tolerable and falsely believe that things will get better, "If I do this...say that..."

Children are sometimes forced to give dad presents or else.  "It's father's day, tell your dad you are grateful, show him some love...don't act like that, your dad loves you," says a brainwashed mother.

Kids are used like pawns in order to get a father to meet household demands he may not have wanted to do initially, but who can say, "No" to a sweet child?  Abusive men can.  They can be cold, calculating, and discerning when mom is putting children up to doing something for her and/or the family.  "So you all are treating me so nice because of a d&mn holiday?  You know full well, I don't do holidays--I could care less!"

If you have experienced such behavior mentioned in this blog from a father or suspect a loved one is in a controlling relationship, understand there is little that you can do.  Until a mother makes up in her mind to leave or get law enforcement involved to deal with the abusive man in her life, she and children will continue to suffer even on Father's Day.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Say Goodbye to Dad and other books on this site.  Do check them out.

Power and Control - Who is Your Foe - family, friends, coworkers

Friday

Don't Tell Loved Ones You Didn't Know a Spouse, Partner Was Abusive

There is a big lie that one likes to tell his or herself long after the abusive behavior about a partner has been discovered and that is, "I didn't know my partner was abusive."  Yet, one knows now!  If you have been in a relationship for any significant time, you learned the truth, but you refused to accept it.

  • You knew the day the abusive mate called you out of your name.
  • You knew when you caught him or her in repeated lies and when you confronted your partner, you were intimidated, threatened, and wondered whether he or she was going to hit you.
  • You knew when he or she acted controlling with you, the children, finances, time you spent with others, and where you went.
  • You knew when he or she expected you to report back like a soldier checking in with a sergeant.
  • You knew when your relatives and friends noticed something they didn't like about your love interest early on and you attempted to persuade them to think differently.
  • You knew when the hair on your neck stood up, cold chills ran down your arms, and your stomach churned when once again your partner was angry about something you did or didn't do.
  • You knew when the abuser was harsh with the children and/or the pets.
  • You knew when he or she apologized profusely and promised it would never happen again, but "it" (whatever it is) did over and over again.
  • You knew when your abuser refused to admit that he or she has mental problems.
  • You knew when he or she revealed to you some disturbing details about others the abuser had been involved with.
  • You knew when he or she argued much with you about money and then those arguments led to him or her punishing you via economic abuse, emotional abuse using the silent treatment, passive/aggressive tactics, name-calling, withdrawal of sex, etc.
  • You knew when others told you about him or her hurting them whether verbally or physically and you thought it wouldn't ever happen to you.
  • You knew when you realized you pushed the people you loved the most away to appease your mean-spirited spouse.

You knew!  You knew! You knew!  And you continue to look the other way, make excuses, hide behind lies you and your abuser have conjured up about your dysfunctional relationship!  You knew who you got yourself mixed up with and you hate others when they expose your truth!

God sees.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of books you see on this site.  Purchase one today and read privately online, begin your quest toward FREEDOM today!


Thursday

For the One who Feels Like He or She Has Given Up Much for a Partner

Let's have a reality check with self, shall we?  How much have you given up for a partner lately?  Many emotionally or physically abused women and men will give up much to maintain an unhealthy relationship even though they don't believe that is what they are in.  They will keep a partner around while later regretting much for having made some serious sacrifices in their personal or professional lives. 

So let's examine the lifestyle we had prior to meeting current partners whether we are in functional or dysfunctional relationships.  It doesn't matter how long ago it was that you met a partner, your emotional and physical health may be for the better or for the worse as a result.  Notice similar choices and sacrifices you made in this relationship and compare with others.  The information you uncover about you and others might be so troubling that you may want to sit down with a licensed counselor or meet with a pastor or support group for healing.

Sometimes we overlook negativity in relationships with partners or lovers because it is disheartening.  We don't want to believe that we are at fault about anything especially if the connection goes south, but we all play a part in the relationship's highs and lows.  Therefore, if we don't see the truth for what it is (good or bad, right or wrong), problems will do nothing more than fester leading to more challenges ahead. 

Divorce may be expensive, but needed for those who are sick and tired of riding the emotional or physical roller coaster with uncooperative partners.  Separation, relocation and other ways to disconnect are necessary when one has had enough of someone's secrets, lies and cover ups.  The police will need to be called if a victim is being mentally and physically abused.

Before the spouse or partner, what was your life like?

1) Living with someone, group or alone?  Was the individual or group controlling, had some kind of disorder, often angry and more?

2) Childfree, a child or children?

3) Dating with no strings attached or seeking a serious commitment?

4) Still involved with someone while out on the prowl.

5) Lying to friends and family about the mysterious man or woman's haves and have nots.

6)  Making excuses for lies uncovered with "the one" or other ones?

7) Independent and employed or seeking employment?

8) Debt free or much debt?

9) Fantasies of traveling, sharing interests, getting married etc.

10) Problems with family and friends or close knit drama free?

11) Church attendance, active or not?

12) Active with hobbies, inactive, or no hobbies?

After the spouse or partner, how has your lifestyle been impacted in the following areas?

Notice the differences in each area of your life using the above to help guide you in self-reflection.  What has changed regarding the following topics?  Have you grown or become stagnant since a partner's arrival?

1) Childhood family

2) Children

3) Friends

4) Money

5) Employment

6) Business

7) Hobbies

8) Holidays

9) Faith

10) Accomplishments

11) Losses

12) Personality

Take a moment to pray if you have a faith.  Ask your Creator for wisdom, guidance, and courage.  Once you recognize the truth about your involvement or lack thereof in the relationship, you will want to do some things differently and you will also expect your partner to change as well, but that just might not happen.

Think about this, a man takes up residence in your heart and household, how is your relationship with children now as compared to how it was prior to meeting that person?  What might your children be thinking/observing and will they possibly have a dysfunctional relationship of their own one day too?  Oftentimes people don't break up or delay a separation due to shared assets.  Besides income and debt being affected, what other areas of your life are drastically different since your partner has been in your life?

When victims in bad or somewhat bad relationships discover that what appears to be good in their partners really isn't, they rebel.  Players, pimps, hustlers. "mooch" types, etc. know how to charm to get their way and when it is time to pay up, they do little or nothing without selfish gain. 

Are you finding yourself fighting to keep a relationship together that is simply not worth it?  Do people around you see the light, but you?  Are you driving yourself mad with feelings of insecurity, dependence, so-called keeping the peace, and more just because you are trying to save face and are concerned about what others might think about your spouse or you?

Take out your calculator.  How much money have you spent this year that is directly related to meeting the personal needs/requests of your partner?  How much has he or she spent on meeting your personal needs when you called upon him or her for help?  It doesn't matter the amount you gave, were you available, was he or she?  Sometimes a money trail will reveal the truth about a spouse or partner, follow it sometime.

If you are a woman or man of faith, have you noticed that your prayer life, church attendance or involvement been impacted since meeting him.  Do you find yourself going more to church because you are stressed or overwhelmed with your family life?  Are you seeking God less since being with your partner?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

Wednesday

10 Ways To Survive A Breakup

Recently, you may have received some news that an emotionally and/or physically abusive mate no longer wants to be committed to you.  Although you may have handled the news well in front of his or her face, inside you feel like dying.  The heartache, stomachache and headache you may have experienced or are still experiencing seems like it will never leave.  However, there is hope!  It may take some time to see the sun in your life, but eventually you will see it and it will shine down on you.  Storms never last for always.  The following suggestions are listed to help you heal through the break up.

1) Escape the past.

You created memories with your former mate when you visited certain places, listened to favorite songs, and introduced them to the people that you loved.  However, it is time to give yourself the freedom from those past images, places, and people for a time until you are mentally strong to handle memories that will come upon your mind and possible negative comments from curious family and friends about the relationship.

2) Treat yourself.

It may have been awhile since you have experienced some time alone.  In the past, you may have used your personal time to think of his or her needs.  Now is the time, if you haven’t already, to put your needs first.  Ask yourself what was it that you compromised for the relationship?  If it was something that was beneficial to you mentally and physically and did not cause you or anyone else any harm, consider doing it again (this doesn’t mean drugs, pornography, alcohol or some other negative habit.)  For instance, you may have been very active in a hobby and spent less time at home until he or she came into your life, take up what interests you again.

3) Visit with friends and family.

Some of your friends and family may have commented that ever since you met him or her, you don’t spend any time with them.  Now is the time to catch up with them and apologize if you are guilty for neglecting your healthy relationships.  In the future, you may want to schedule a healthy balance of time between your new mate, family, and friends.

4) Check out self-improvement guides, videos and counseling.

Don’t strike these items from your plan to heal from your break up.  There are many informative books that detail others experiences and how they managed to move on after a break up.  You will learn much from others’ stories and will be better able to handle relationship issues in the future when you accept constructive criticism.

5) Develop a career plan.

Sometimes a career objective is neglected when one is in a time consuming relationship.  If you really want to tell the world you are back and better than ever, do something that will fatten your wallet.  If you need to obtain additional education, then do it.  Wouldn’t it be nice to bump into your ex five years from now driving a car you always wanted, living in a house you always dreamed of, and most of all in love with someone who is so much better than him or her?

6) Plan a vacation.

You may have wanted to go somewhere that your ex didn’t want to visit.  Money may have also been a problem, because you were busily spending it on him or her, now you can indulge yourself.  Consider going alone or with a friend who has a great personality and money to spend.

7) Go to church / attend support group meetings.

There are many people who attend church not for religious reasons, but for spiritual ones.  They understand the need to look outside themselves when dealing with a challenging circumstance.  They know that there is someone or something greater than them and so they put their selves in a place with others who believe like they do.  You may want to associate yourself with people who are hopeful, positive, and willing to provide advice that may help you in your future relationships.

8) Take up a hobby.

With all your mental energy spent from thinking about your former mate, you may want to take up a hobby that will occupy both your mind and body.  Do something that isn’t demanding, strenuous and overwhelming.  The key when selecting a hobby is to find something that will bring out everything positive in you both mentally and physically.  You will know that you have picked something that is really befitting for yourself when people will comment positively on how you look and the way you act. 

9) Check out new entertainment.

When you have taken the time to do everything else on this list, why not throw a party?  You owe it to yourself to have a little fun with the people that you love the most.  If that is too much for you, then make time to go to a movie, bowling alley, sporting event, concert or some other place that will positively add to your life memories.  By getting out and about, you are discovering new things, creating an interesting life that you can share with the next person you meet, and distracting your mind from thinking about your past.

10) Start dating again.


There is no set time on how much one will spend healing from a break up.  Some people need years to heal; others may only need weeks, whatever it takes for you to heal utilize this time wisely.  Looking for a replacement is not the healthy way to get over someone; instead, you will find that not long into the new relationship you will be recreating a similar one from the past.  Your new mate will notice you haven’t moved on from the past and will break up with you.  It is better to take the time to do what makes you happy first!   Once you feel comfortable with yourself and what you need to achieve in life that satisfies you, then pursue a relationship with someone who has similar interests.  Be prepared to accept the new mate with flaws and all.  Tell yourself that he or she isn’t perfect and as you learn more about him or her, make a decision of what you will and will not accept in this new relationship before it gets too serious.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Face Your Foe on Confronting the Critics, Laboring to Love Myself, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry, and many other books, check one out today!

Thursday

Child Sex Abuse - Signs And Symptoms

Child Sexual Abuse - Signs And Symptoms: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.

Wednesday

Should You Stay?

Sometimes people reach out to others wanting to know, "Should I just leave?"  Of course you should if someone is abusing you or you simply feel like you can't go on with that person.  But we advisers aren't in the hurting person's shoes.  The one who can best answer that question is the one who has to live in that household each and everyday with that toxic guy or gal.  If you are offended when someone "tells it like it is" then you most likely aren't ready to leave.  Some victims simply can't handle the fact that they made a lousy choice when they married, had sex, or had a baby with a partner.  So as long as you are defending, denying, and blaming, you won't leave--you are there to stay. 

Sometimes the abused isn't who or what you think.
For years, I have posted my personal experiences and opinion about abusive relationships and for years people have come to this site and blindly scrolled through the entries pretending as if my body of work doesn't speak to them.  Yet it does.  It is prophecy for what is ahead for those who haven't been pushed, shoved, spat on, or choked yet, but they will be.  The na├»ve will be cheated on and abused while others will remain with their cheating spouses and abuse. 

Abusive men and women have a sickness, a dark side.  Behind their grins and the occasional nice things they do for others is evil--children of darkness.  It's as if something takes over their minds and their bodies and they just do whatever they feel like doing.  If they want to yell, curse, cheat, lie, steal, have sex with someone else, etc. they will without a second thought.  When they come back to their senses, they might apologize, but they might not.  And what good is an apology when your hurt or your body is all black and blue? 

So should you stay?  Well that is up to you.  Rather ask yourself this question, "Do I love myself enough to leave?"

Nicholl McGuire


Tuesday

When the Abuser Sets Children Up to Fail

The abusive one doesn't realize it but the wiring in the brain isn't connected right.  Fight up against truth, talk down to those who are only trying to help, kick people when they are down, use violence to get one's point across...you might know someone like this, what's worse he or she is a mother or father. 

Past programming beckons the once victim turned abuser to keep the generational cycle of abuse going.  "My Daddy said this...my Momma did that...We turned out alright.  Kids nowadays are soft." the abuser boasts.  Hit on his or her head, shoved down stairs, pushed into a wall, burned with cigarettes, called many names, beaten with sticks, belts or anything a parent could reach...and it was all okay.  Well we live in a different time and if those parents were honest with themselves and with others, periodic thoughts don't come together in their minds in a rational way when it comes to parenting children. 

- They can't handle too much noise.
- They are short-tempered.
- They are impatient when it comes to teaching children things.
- They are emotional especially when it comes to minor things involving their children.
- They have scars that never healed from abusive parents or guardians whether seen or unseen.
- They are nervous over things that others are not. 
- They are selfish and unkind when you get to know them.
- Some are very quiet or very talkative around select individuals.
-  When triggered, they appear to lose it.
- They may have their share of phobias

The side effects of the childhood adversity an abuser encountered shows up in parenting children sometimes without reason.  Abusive people don't always learn from what was done to them.  Rather, they repeat patterns in subtle or bold ways while denying they are hurting their children or justifying harsh punishments.  It all seems normal to them. 

For instance, past programming thought it was alright that Mom called Dad nasty names, lied to him, acted rowdy with others, and was mean to children; therefore, the adult daughter does the same.  Dad was intimidating, mean, controlling, and cold, so his son acts similar to him and finds dad's behavior admirable despite his dysfunctional ways.  The family plays ignorant or has selective memories about what it was like growing up in a tyrant's household.  The people who refuse to think about the past due to white washing from controlling matriarchs and patriarchs are told to remember the good times.  The unsuspecting are caught up in a web of emotional and physical abuse in intimate relationships, family connections, parenting their own children, and other connections by the hurting and wounded individuals.

A demanding or ineffective parent sets up his or her children to fail, because he or she could never meet his or her own parents needs and so the abuser projects his or her expectations on the children.  Sooner or later the toxic upbringing reveals truth.  It shows us just how bad the household is for the child.  If the abusive parent doesn't like his or herself much, he or she might expect the child to do better or could care less.  Well when pride gets in the way, the parent refuses to admit that he or she is not doing what is in the best interest of the child.


Consider times when a child asks for a basic need to be met, did the parent step up to the plate or make the child wait for long periods of time, punish him or her, or didn't do anything at all?  A simple request for something to drink, clean clothes, time with a parent, or an item to eat, did the parent break away from selfish pleasures to meet the need?  Did the parent finally do something after the child started having a fit? 

What about an older son or daughter who asks a parent respectfully or possibly firmly to stop talking negatively about the other parent, but is met with a slap across the face and told to never say anything else about the other parent or else?

How about the children who rarely witness any good between parents in the household, yet they are told by the victim that an abusive parent loves them and to respect him or her?  Observation and logic become skewed in the children's minds.  What is evil becomes good and what is good becomes evil.

What about when the abusive parent lashes out on the children just because he or she can't get whatever results he or she is after from the other parent like: attention, money, time, etc.

We can go on and on with examples, but the point is the abuser is systematically setting his or her children up to fail personally and/or professionally the longer he or she negatively impacts others.

Controlling parents are more concerned about their own needs, but not those of children.  Demanding parents put high expectations on children that they don't intend to meet or help children achieve, but it sounds and looks good to say and do certain things in front of others so as to appear like they are loving, kind, generous, etc.  But the children know differently.

Abusive parents don't realize that when they bring children into the world and refuse to change their selfish and/or evil ways, that one day grown sons and daughters will awaken to their lies, manipulation, and more and will no longer respect or appreciate them.  Depending on how much of the negative programming children have received from parents, they might grow up to be equally or more abusive than their parents while other victims might be very passive almost ineffective as a result of the childhood abuse they incurred.

Without proper guidance, a faith, support group, medication or whatever else a former victim needs to parent, abusive behaviors will show up whether triggered or not.  It doesn't matter if the parent is 16 or 60, abuse affects all.

Nicholl McGuire

On the Prowl - The Abusive One Looks for His Next Victim


He seeks his next target.

By the time he is finished with her...

His demands will cause her to lose the makeup,
change her hairstyle,
and stop dressing so nicely.

Stress ages the beautiful one.
Power and control suffocates love.
Peace is a dream.

Then on to his next victim.

"It didn't work...she was this, she was that..."




by Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug...

It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug...: Somewhere right now as you read this, a teenage daughter may have said something to her father that offended him so much that he gave her ...

Beyond Sex - Falsely Assuming Intimacy will Save a Broken Relationship


So sex is supposed to make things better? 

Wasn't it just last week, a month ago or a little longer that a woman or man complained about his or her relationship with an abuser.  And wasn't it not that long ago that he or she talked of breakup, separation or divorce?  What changed?  A sexual release.  You know the abuser is still the same.  He or she hasn't changed.  The dark side has went into hiding until next time. 

For those of you in love, lust, or like with a hot-tempered, mean-spirited ugly man or woman, you know how the story goes.  Everything is "okay, alright, fine" until the next blow up.  Turbulent relationships never remain peaceful, there is always something right around the corner that an abuser gets his or herself mixed up in (cheating, lies, stealing, fights, job loss, self-harm, etc.)  Evil men and women bore easily, get angry over the littlest of things, act self-righteous, cold-hearted, and pride themselves on emotionally and/or physically beating their victims down whether verbally, physically or non-verbally. 

The best thing that one can do is protect his or her heart from the abusive one.  Remember, in relationships like these the honeymoon is seasonal.  Abusers rarely change.

Are you planning to exit?  See blog entries related to this topic.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of the following:

She's Crazy
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Laboring to Love Myself

Scroll this site on the right to check out one of her books.

It's Not Over Once You Leave - Abusive Men, Women Can Be Like Mad Dogs

We saw recently what one can do when a handgun is in the wrong hands.  In the San Bernardino shooting involving an abusive husband and his estranged wife, media reports say he was at the school to drop something off to the school teacher, but what he was really there for was to kill her and himself.  Unfortunately, two children were caught in the crossfire of domestic violence.

What goes on at home, especially if the relationship is turbulent, doesn't stay there. 
Tell your business it just might save a life!


When one has a troubled mind the issues eventually show up and impact others--innocent children, relatives, law enforcement, paramedics, etc.  The husband had a criminal history in the San Bernardino shooting, an obvious red flag for the woman who married him, but she dismissed it.

From desperation to be in a relationship to needing help with the bills and/or children, many needy women drive themselves into relationships with abusive men--there is a good reason why that man has his share of  "issues" with a long track record of women who he just couldn't stick it out with.  But let us not overlook the fact that there are many other domestic abuse stories where men and women have no criminal history, but yet they are emotionally and/or physically abusive.  You don't suspect that the attractive, friendly, or outgoing person holding down a 9 to 5 is susceptible to taking his or her partner off the face of this earth one day.

According to a nonprofit journalism site, The Trace, a woman is shot and killed by a current or former romantic partner every 16 hours.  In 2014, the pro-gun control group Everytown for Gun Safety reported more than half of women murdered with guns in the U.S. are killed by domestic partners. 

Remember abusive men and women have been hurt by other abusive people and there are always signs leading up to the major blow up.  Rarely do these mean-spirited men and women participate in any counseling programs to assist with anger issues, unresolved grievances from childhood and rejection related matters during adulthood.  They expect their on or offline partners to be the answer to all their problems.  So these hurting people wear a false front to entice their victims appearing to be very charming, patient, kind, and almost Christ like. 

Sometimes when deceptive men and women are found out the same abusive tactics they used on their targets are reversed on them, but for those who are not mentally troubled like their abusers, they simply seek a way out of a bad decision.  However, exiting a dysfunctional relationship has its share of consequences just like remaining in a toxic one.


Years ago I recall telling my abusive partner, while he stood in front of a door refusing to let me exit a room, that it isn't the people out on the street that we should be concerned about, but the ones we live with.  I said something like, "I shouldn't have to live like this..."  He was determined to make me believe his lies after I learned some things about him.  He demanded I stay or else he would kill himself, and didn't hesitate to remind me who was in control. 

I got tired of the verbal, non-verbal and physical fights, I left only to return back to him after his "I still love yous...let's make it work...I promise things will get better...I'm sorry" at least four times during a nine month period before the police helped me exit that toxic merry-go-round for good.

Yet, the battle is never completely over once you leave.  You still have to watch your back.  He was seen driving by my parent's home soon after the last break up despite being warned not to be anywhere near me or my family.  Other times I saw him in the parking lot of my workplace.  And many years later he drove a relative home which he could have killed and our family would have never suspected it was him. 

Those who are currently laboring to love an abusive mate, stop the loving and get to walking if not for yourself for your children, pet, relatives, etc.  Think about the following while you make plans to exit:

1)  Will your name remain the same?  With the ease of finding people on the Internet, it won't take long to uncover a new residence by searching your name, birth date, and any other identifying information.

2)  Will you stay in your current hometown?  If that is the plan, then do you have a supportive network that your abuser can see coming and going out of your home?

3)  Do you have access to a hand gun?  He or she might have one already.  What do you do if suddenly he or she shows up one day brandishing a weapon?

4)  Does your family, friends, employers, and others know that you are no longer seeing that person and can they identify him or her?  One of the things I did after leaving my abuser was I made sure that the security officers at my job had a photo of him.  I also filed a Protection From Abuse (PFA) at the police station in my community and where he lived.

5)  Does your abusive partner have a joint account with you, name on property, and other shared assets?  If so, you might want to start working to get his name off some things.

6)  Does he know your hang out spots?  Chances are he will be there.

7)  Does he have access to your computer and phone?  He or she will monitor your activities.

Whatever an abuser learns about you especially if it involves the opposite sex, and he or she suspects that there is romantic interest, will trigger some very dark emotions.  When this happens, you will be a target for more abuse.

If you feel you are a victim of emotional, non-verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, seek the necessary help to assist you with a safe exit plan.  Don't endanger others by keeping private about what is going on with the abuser. 

When I think of the San Bernardino incident, I can't help but think of those children who may not have been hurt had that teacher made every effort to keep herself as well as others safe.  Too often people keep their so-called "business" to themselves or "don't want to snitch" and then bad things happen to people due to ignorance. 

After leaving the relationship, tell law enforcement about what you know about a troubled partner, share information with loved ones and mutual friends such as:  he or she owns a gun, this person has threatened to kill me or made veiled threats he or she would use it.  Also, alert security at your work and share a photograph. 

What goes on at home in abusive households, doesn't stay there.  Sooner or later someone or a group will experience the backlash when a victim has made up in his or her mind to leave.

Nicholl McGuire blog owner and the author of the following books:
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Laboring to Love Myself
She's Crazy
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men

Monday

Tyshan Knight ft Letoya Vinson- Focus on God (Audio) | New R&B Gospel

Part of Laboring to Love Someone is the Challenge of Getting Them to See the Truth


Obsessed with power and control, a mean spirited man or woman refuses to agree on anything even when it just might cost them everything. 

In their minds, they feel good knowing they could do the right thing, but they refuse. 
They covertly or overtly enjoy seeing others suffer.

Learn to work around the abusers in your life.

You really don't need them
as much as they would like for you to believe.

Saturday

Leading Up to the Major Fall Out -- One Day Paramedics, Police Will Be Called

Behind the Scenes of Many Dysfunctional Relationships

They usually don't start that way, but then again, maybe.  Too blind to lust 
they don't see the light.


He didn't like the way she talked to him (even when he was in the wrong about things he did or didn't do.)

Pouting, silence, cursing, talking about her negatively behind her back.  "B-tches!  All the same."

She knew his thoughts just by the way he acted around her so she did the same.

This time she was at fault.  "Two wrongs don't make it right."

Complaints about the little things that grow into bigger things from debt to children. "You always want to do something with your family!  Who is that on your phone? What are you looking at on the computer?  You are such a liar!  Why do I put up with this sh-t!"

Children witness the arguments, they cry.  Couple yelling.  Children say, "I wish they would stop."

He lied about something again and so she caught him again.

Personal issues, women have them--young and old.  Checked or unchecked illnesses.  Miscarriages, abortions... But she didn't expect him to understand.  Relationship roller coaster.

Older now.  He has his health woes.  Aging and all that comes with it.  STDs, curiosity killed the cat.  He ain't 20.  In denial.

Ineffective family and friends all around.  They eat, drink and be merry around the holidays.  They listen to the couple's whispers, attitudes...complaints and then carry personal information collected to discuss with others, formulate opinions...badmouth.

Family. No interest in providing nothing more than lip service for the dysfunctional pair.  They say, "Should have never been together in the first place, oh well they reap what they have sown. Oh the poor kids to those two fools!"

Church visits.  And what were they supposed to do again?  Well-behaved at least in public.
"We'll pray for you."

Relationship counseling, he said, "No."  She said, "Yes."

Nothing seems to be working.

Life goes on...miserable.  But it goes on and on and on until one day...

The hate reaches its apex.

Someone yells, "Help!"

"She did this to me..."

"I can't believe him!"

The children scream.

Pain, oh so much pain! The kind that paramedics and police can't do anything about.

Family, "What?  No!  They had their problems...but we didn't know things were that bad."  Sure, play dumb for investigators.

Police arrive.

Paramedics rush into the house.

"Oh my God!"

Court.

Domestic violence counselors.

Back in court.

Lawyers can't afford them, represented by a public defender.

No money.

No bail out.

Wait your time.

Does this describe your future?  Get out while you still can!

Nicholl McGuire author of books featured on this site: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

Friday

Ambient Ambuse and Gaslighting - relationships, family

6 Signs Your Abusive Partner is Destroying Your Life

When was the last time you smiled genuinely in public and stayed content for longer than a few hours.  Did you experience that happiness when your partner was around or when he or she was away?  What about the things you once enjoyed prior to meeting your partner, are you still doing them and do they continue to bring you peace?

It is unfortunate, but many people in challenging relationships secretly are unhappy because they have learned there lives have been changed upside down (and not for good) by mean-spirited, selfish and downright evil men and women.  Their lives have been ruined in so many ways by abusive people that it has taken years for some survivors to get minds, bodies, finances, property, and more back!

The following are signs that you may already be in a situation or headed in a direction where your life may be significantly impacted for the worse by an abusive mate.

1)  You are often depressed.

Yes you have your good days, but they don't last for long due to the myriad of things that occur with your partner.  From shocking news to shady connections, he or she keeps you on edge.  Sometimes you find yourself not wanting to get out the bed much less leave your residence because you are so disappointed, tired, and deeply troubled by your partner's negative behaviors.

2)  You don't feel like you are healthy emotionally and/or physically.

You recall a time where you were physically fit or had more energy than you do now.  You also remember a time where you felt in control of your mind and your body.  Yet, with all of your partner's issues you just can't seem to get yourself together like you want.  Your mental health and bodily woes are at times upsetting to think about.  Meanwhile, you know who or what aided you to feel this way.  No more excuses!

3)  Your life revolves around your spouse's needs.

Every time you attempt to do something for yourself or others your spouse has say so on who receives your time and money.  He or she will go so far as to threaten to hurt you, his or herself or others if you should act like you want to do for yourself or leave this person.  So you wait on him or her, making sure you are always on call like a servant or a nurse rather than a partner.

4)  You have gone into much debt since being with this person.

Whether it is you, your partner or both, shopping is what you do to escape the negativity within and around your relationship.  You have reasoned that you need everything that you buy.  However, the truth is you are distracting yourself from the troubled individual in your household and using shopping to escape your pain.  While the debt mounts, so too does the stress.

5)  Your credit is ruined.

Your credit may or may not be impacted today, but you never know what the future might hold as long as you put up with someone who keeps persuading you to spend more money on his or her needs.  The more you give, the more he or she takes.  Your partner isn't concerned about your credit, but you should be.

6)  You don't have a good relationship with relatives and children since connecting with him or her.

Being in this challenging relationship has taken its toll on your relatives and children because they have simply grown weary of witnessing and hearing how controlled/manipulated/disrespected you are.  Who wants to keep listening and watching someone that they care about be used and abused?  Don't blame them for not wanting to speak or come around you.  Being with someone who treats you meanly will eventually show up in how you deal with loved ones.  Discerning parents see the difference in their child compared to the kind person he or she once was.  Daughters and sons see how negative you can become especially after your partner has angered you--do you really think they want to carry your burdens?  Grandchildren notice what is going on and in time learn to distance themselves too.

As much as an abused victim would like to think that everything is okay for now because he or she isn't being abused, it really isn't.  No matter how much you pray, know that God has his timing and if he is ready to heal someone he will, but if you don't see any evidence of healing, why falsely deceive yourself into being someone's verbal and/or physical punching bag?  There is only one Jesus who took on the world's pain and suffering and you aren't him, be free this day!  Leave the excuses, past memories, insults, wishes things would be different, and more at the cross...if anything run for safety from a man or woman who is in the hands of an angry God!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and other books that appear on Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate the blog.

Domestic violence help for women

Domestic violence help for men

Domestic Violence in the NFL with Jeff Kemp


Wednesday

Offensive Body Odor, Untreated Health Woes - Abusive Partner Tactics

He could do something about the odor that comes from lips, underarms, feet, and other places, but he doesn't.  She could do something about her chronic health issues, but why should she?  The two are fighting using their untreated health issues as weapons against one another.  Neither likes or even loves each other.  Both have common problems that could easily be fixed, but no, he or she doesn't believe that their problems are that bad because they are prideful and stubborn that is until a third party says, "What's wrong with you...What's that smell?  Why haven't you got checked out yet?"  Maybe they will do something or maybe not.

Abusive relationships are not only dangerous to remain in, but also crazy-making.  You can drive a person mad with your refusal to get treatment for a health woe that irritates any one of the five senses. There are those people who have been known to do some deadly things to others including passing on an STD to teach a lesson or two.  Sex and HIV Disclosure  Most couples never see one another's medical records so sometimes there is more to what is going on then what someone is telling.


What happens when the couple gets tired of fighting a health war?  Well one may cave in and do the right thing while the other may remain in his or her mess until the health issues get so bad that an ambulance is called or one is asked to leave.  Sometimes people just live separately whether in the home or elsewhere.  Although these bodily irritants don't seem like much, they can grow into bigger matters!  Just imagine having to live with someone who is unclean and who defends his or her not wanting to bathe as something special, spiritual, or just in one's mind who is accusing the person of being smelly?  How long would you put up with such things?  Are you making yourself deal with the issues when you would rather not?

Having a conversation about health challenges works with those willing to make a difference, but it does nothing for those who are hell-bent on not doing anything about their health woes.  You can simply state the consequences and stand by them or make alternative arrangements to live elsewhere before a physical altercation breaks out for the first time or yet again about something that might not be that big of a deal now, but may grow into something bigger later.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

Saturday

You Remember When...

 
BUT NOW?
 
Time doesn't heal all wounds especially
when people refuse to change.
 
____________________________________
 
by Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

Domestic Abuse: Relying on Police to Get You Out of Bad Relationship Might End Up Costing You Your Freedom

Not every phone call to the police ends up turning out in the way the caller might think.

Times have changed since the days our grandmothers and great grandmothers dealt with domestic violence, but there are still those in and out of law enforcement that have their personal bias views.  From the sexist father to the controlling mother-in-law, someone is telling a victim, "Just call the police..." when trouble arises.  But will the outcome really end up in the way that they think?

A number of victims have reached out to law enforcement only to find themselves being abused again before being sent off to jail.  But why?  Consider this, emotions are running high with everyone involved.  Critics feel you should have left the toxic relationship a long time ago, but you stayed. 

You might be the one speaking to the police one day unable to explain the details leading up to the abuse.  You may not remember what you or the abuser said or did due to the trauma experienced or worse so intoxicated that the police show up with handcuffs and don't even bother to ask questions. Meanwhile, the abuser appears to be stable, in control, and innocent while you look like you are out of control.  So you thought the police would help, huh, pay the abuser back for the pain you endured for months or maybe even years?  

Now let's look at recent days when nothing is really going on in the relationship other than the fact that you need to be preparing to move on with your life, because you just can't put up with an emotionally abusive partner anymore.  You do have a choice.  You can physically walk over to the door and exit before another emotional dispute breaks out or even afterward--no harm, no foul and most of all no police.  Another option, you can pack bags and boxes while the angry man or woman is away, again no police.  You can make arrangements with lawyers, law enforcement and anyone else while you have your mind intact and money in your bank account to break up, separate, or divorce once again without the worries of police, false accusations or jail time.  But you don't...it's a honeymoon period right now.  "Everything is okay...I'm good.  He's fine.  We have our problems...I'm not worried.  She's calm for now."  The abuser wins again, a little attention and affection.  You stay. 

So fast forward to the future.  What might you see?  A huge fight--yelling, cursing, lying, denying, blaming, threats, etc.  Maybe next time a partner, child, or pet is abused.  Someone calls the police, possibly you, falsely assuming that justice will be served, but it is not.  Believing that everyone will listen to your story, but they don't. Trusting that you are doing the right thing, but it ends up being the wrong thing.

You have your freedom today.  You have your peace of mind today.  But tomorrow?  Think about the future. 

Nicholl McGuire


Monday

He Said But God Say - Encouragement for Emotionally, Physically Abused Women

He said, "Stupid."  God says, "Fearfully and wonderfully made."
 
He said, "I hate you!"  God says, "I love you."
 
He said, "Crazy!"  God says, "I have given you purpose and a plan for your life.  You are blessed!"
 
He said, "You don't have...will never have."  God says, "You are prosperous and highly favored."
 
He said, "You won't."  God says, "I will."
 
Know who you are in Christ and what "he said" will never matter!


Check out YouTube Channel http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7

Feeling Lonely In or Out of a Relationship


Wednesday

She didn't realize she was living in an abusive relationship - married to Christian minister


6 Signs Your Abuser Wants You Dead - Domestic Violence Leave

You don't need anyone telling you how dangerous it is to stay with a violent man or woman.  When domestic violence occurs in a relationship, you leave.  However, it is easier said then done with some people.  They are hell-bent on staying because they think of the abusive person's impact on their lives.  From money invested in property to time spent on children, the victim starts reminiscing and unfortunately fails at successfully creating his or her safety plan.  One of the motivations for some leaving were those signs that clearly show an angry man or woman has simply grown weary of the victim and worse wants the person dead!

A serious wake up call to anyone in an abusive relationship is when they suspect that someone can't wait until your life comes to an end.  Rather they say and do things to stress you out enough so that you will want nothing more than to escape your miserable existence or worse push you into your death by physically harming you in some way.  Here are warning signs that an abuser has every intention of shortening your lifespan.

1)  He or she frequently disrespects you in mean and hateful ways and tells you quite boldly, "I wish you would die...If I could I would kill you myself."  Don't sleep on this kind of talk.  The person is speaking his or her hidden thoughts.

2)  Threatens violence verbally or non-verbally.  If you never thought an abuser would actually hurt you, but nowadays you think differently, you just might be closer to the end of your life than you think.  The threats aren't just lip service, but he or she has said things in a way like sooner or later the big payback is coming.  He or she intends to make good on the threats.

3)  Conducts searches on Internet about how to kill or discard a body.  Have you checked the Internet history lately, an online recycle bin, or viewed those documents printed and left out in the home office.  Of course, if you should confront your abusive partner with your findings he or she will deny his or her intent.  God is trying to tell you something.  Would you like to stay awhile longer to see what is on that crazy man or woman's mind come to pass?

4)  The abusive mate makes a point to remind you that at any given moment he can take you off the face of the earth by brandishing weapons.  He or she isn't showing you a knife, gun, bow and arrow, or anything else just for conversation.  The individual is letting you know he or she will not hesitate to use a weapon on you.  Don't allow your pride or training in self-defense make you falsely think that a partner "would never..."  Keep arguing and you never know when he or she will strike.

5)  Talks to others about what he or she plans to do to you.  What should be eye-opening is when a family member or friend shares that your partner whether drunk or sober said some awful things about you.  Maybe they were just joking, but then again maybe not.  Consider this, healthy couples don't talk about hurting one another to family and friends not even in a playful way.

6)  Attempts to make you ill or murder you by staging accidents, poisonings, etc.  You may not believe your partner is capable of doing such a thing.  However, think again.  Encouraging you to eat or drink something he or she knows will cause you to become ill is a slick way to watch you suffer.  Telling you how much he or she always wanted to go sky-diving, mountain climb, take a cruise, or go somewhere that accidents easily can happen is cause for alarm especially when you have already been threatened with violence by him or her.  How about getting you to do something unusual like commit a crime or introduce you to some strange people who have a criminal past?  You have to wonder just how much your partner hates you.

Maybe wishing you dead is a bit much, but hoping that anything bad happens to you says just how hurt he or she is and why you must think about moving on with your life.  It is obvious that love is non-existent and one is simply surviving in a bad relationship for material assets, children and other things.  In a scorned man or woman's perfect world, he or she would rather see the abuser or victim anywhere but with him or her.

God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Gadget

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