Monday

13 Heartbreaking Confessions of Domestic Violence Survivors

6 Things to Think About Before Agreeing to Help a Victim of Abuse

When someone approaches you with a story that sounds a lot like he or she is being abused, do consider the following.

1.  No talking about the situation when victims have either shut down, stopped talking, or don't feel ready to share everything.
2.  Be understanding, don't pressure a victim to leave especially when you don't know the details.  Sometimes abusers will pretend like they are victims to get attention or cover up their misdeeds by placing blame on a partner.
3.  Avoid blaming, ridiculing or acting in other negative ways, because you don't like or agree with what the person is telling you.
4.  Search for resources in the victim's area and share them.  Remind him or her it is against the law to be abused and for a child or animal to be abused as well.  Oftentimes abusers are not only hurting their partners, but others as well.

Couple, Female, Male, Reaching, Black, Silhouette

5.  Offer to assist the individual with expenses and other needs if you know you are able to, don't give him or her false hope.
6.  If there are untreated bruises, encourage the person to get medical treatment.

When you are unsure what to do or don't want to get involved, the very least you can do is refer the person to a local support group or counselor who is familiar with domestic abuse or dating violence.

Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

Abused, Used -- Your Life

He is not God.
You are not Jesus.
Your children, disciples.
Following after whatever example you are providing.

What you do with your life relevant,
how you choose to live it...important.
Abuser, irrelevant.

Advisers don't want to hear about
what he thinks, what she will do...Wound, Injury, Hurt, Band-Aid
what they want to know is,
what will you do?

Band-aids don't heal wounds.
Compliments don't erase pain.
Expensive gifts don't solve problems.
Trips around the world don't make a partner love.

Pain and more pain is all the victim ever gets.
Pain and more pain is all the abuser gives.

Nicholl McGuire


Sunday

Future Abusers of the World - The Children Who Have Seen and Heard it All

They are bullies, attention-seekers, angry, loud-mouth, sneaky, or downright evil, children.  They look harmless but upon closer inspection, you see the callousness in them.  They learned from the best, abusive guardians. 

Emotionally and physically violent mothers and/or fathers cursing, fighting, slamming things, and acting out their aggression in other ways.  Mad at everyone in the household, a father storms off after leaving his partner on the floor crying and yelling.  Mom retaliates one day, loses it, and makes dad bleed.  The children see, they may tell others, or remain quiet until they are old enough to fight anyone who stands in their way.

Slap a child one too many times and eventually she doesn't cry anymore.  Punch a son in his chest as an attempt to toughen him up over and over again, and one day he will pay the parent or someone else back for all his abuse. 

The pain received from an abusive relative, partner or friend doesn't go away overnight.  That residue left behind from watching or being a part of past wars can still be set off by many triggers.  Post traumatic stress of yesteryear comes back to haunt all of us when we least expect it.

I thought I was over some things.  I reasoned that I was okay until there was a word that was said and some behaviors I hadn't seen in years show up one too many times with an individual.  The little child in me wasn't about to let an angry man get away with anything.  A moment that could have been resolved amicably made me grow cold on the inside.  My eyes were blinded as to what was really going on around me.  All conversation stopped for me, I said nothing and the audio was cut off in my mind.  I didn't hear anything for a moment, but I knew people were talking. 

I started thinking of some past memories--ugly ones--all because of an incident that left me bewildered and angry.  I was almost carried away by many destructive thoughts flooding my mind, but I paused.  Silence.  The last time I felt this way I went on and did what every piece of my flesh screamed, "Pay backs are a b$tch!"  But not this time, I won't be held accountable for anything I say or do...Silence. 

I purposely made myself--my whole body not move.  Why?  Not only did I not want to stoop so low and catch the man by surprise, but there were witnesses, children.  Envision the future for a moment.  What might they hold on to if I cross the line?  What memory might take over their minds and bound them to a dark time in their lives?  As parents, we just can't afford to do something so bad, so crazy, so strange...that it leaves an imprint on our children and places our freedom at risk.  It's never worth it!  Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships

A past childhood can set the stage for what is to come if we let it.  Parents can mold and shape future abusers while they are stressing the importance of a good education, job, partner, etc.  The hate that some exude, it rubs off and if one doesn't fight against the temptation to act out on the hate, he or she will be swallowed up by it!  Children see and children will do.  Take a moment to explain events and share with them why it is so wrong to act out on anything they may be thinking.

Consider this, you don't have to wish to change the past, you can do some things right now that will make a difference in the future.  No more talking about leaving a bad relationship, start making the effort now before you do something that you might one day regret.  If you have a faith, ask God to do the following for you:

1.  Put more love in your heart.
2.  Peace in your home.
3.  An exit strategy to leave.
4.  Angels to protect you.
5.  Finances to assist.
6.  The necessary mindset and courage to break up and never return to your abuser again.
7.  Wisdom going forward in your life when it comes to dealing with others in relationships, parenting, and more.

Once you get freed out of this relationship, don't be tempted again to give another abuser access to your heart.  There are many charming men and women who are also cold-hearted, angry and abusive people who want nothing more than to replace a victim with yet another heart-broken victim.

Nicholl McGuire


Wednesday

When a Man Says He Doesn't Want Children, He Means It

Some victims of domestic violence assume that if they have a baby for an abusive man, then another and another that some how the man will change and life will get better.  But the truth is, it won't.  Abusive men, whether the silent type or physically violent, want obedience--power and control--from those they abuse.

One thing that many men can't control is a baby being born in this world--but they will try and some will successfully get their way.  A man, who is mentally unstable, doesn't ever want to feel powerless.  His need for control over any and all situations is an obsession and when a victim thinks she is somehow getting the upper hand by having a baby anyway, she puts herself at risk of being killed. 

Thoughts play over and over in his mind on how to get his victims to do as he wishes irregardless of how they and others may feel.
Pay attention to the man's expression when a woman announces she is pregnant.  Most abusive men either boldly show how much they resent the news or they fake excitement.  Others might be happy for one pregnancy, but not the next.

Then there are those men who enjoy the fact that they have dominance with each announcement, because for some they know their women will become more dependent on them.  Some men simply like the idea they will be fathers, but disdain the mothers.

An extreme example of the hate one man had about having yet another child (his third) is found in the following Washington Post article: She loved being a mother’: Pregnant woman executed for refusing abortion, family says

If you are in a relationship with a difficult man, take heed to abusive signs early on and avoid having children with an emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman.  Children for many people are an added stressed and are not welcome by all.

Friday

Weigh the Pros and Cons - Bad Relationship is a Mistake

"I didn't want to believe it happened.  I met someone that I really thought was a nice person.  I felt that he was going to treat me sweetly, but once again I was wrong.  I became bitter allowing this individual into my life again and again.  I should have never given this man a place in my life, but I did and so now I have to undo it!"

How many of you secretly regret connecting with a partner whether on or offline?  This is someone who deceived you in some way.  Who didn't keep promises, lied about his whereabouts, his or her commitment to you, and more.  You might have looked the other way early on during the courtship--forgive and forget, right?  But now sometimes you are numb or crazy with anger.

When you are at your wits end with someone, feeling trapped in a bad relationship, consider those high and low emotions toward him or her red flag warning signs to get out while there is still time.  Just imagine being wheel-chaired bound and relying on an abusive man or woman to care for you or what about sickly in bed needing him or her to fix you your meals for a long time. Scary thought? 

You can still move about, right?  That daily worry, stress, disputing, and more will wear you down if not already.  The aging process will not slow for you and your body will not always be healthy.  Add children to the mix, and they will not always like and respect you especially if you are showing weakness when it comes to an emotionally and/or physically abusive partner.  In addition, you will not always have the strength to go on and then what?

So count up the positives and the negatives that plague your current relationship with someone and then work toward freedom.  It might take you a week, a month, a year or more to get free, but you can do it!  Accept the fact you made an error when you connected with the bad individual whether it has been recently or many years ago.  Forgive yourself! 

It is never too late to make a difference in your life!

Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

Trapped in Thoughts - Abusers, Victims Idolize One Another

They don't think that they do, but they do.  People will idolize one another as well as things.  They love, worship, kill, steal, destroy, and more for partners.  Witnesses stand by and see the destruction.  They call them out on their foolishness.  But idol worshippers keep right on doing what they do.

The presence of idol worship is in an abusive relationship.  Simply put, the abuser and victim put one another on a pedestal.  They think much about one another--too much!  Thoughts stream into their minds frequently about everything from what the other is doing to how he or she feels about him/her.  The thoughts play out like a roller coaster ride, a merry go round or a swing.  It is all fun, positive, sweet or nice until someone gets hurt again and again.

Couple, Love, Sunset, Proposal Marriage

"I miss you...I can't get enough of you.  When will we see each other again?  I want you forever..."  Sounds so wonderful, doesn't it? At least in the beginning of the dysfunctional courtship all appears to be natural, genuine and okay.  But the signs are usually there, early on, something just isn't right.  Stay in the presence of an abusive person long term and what went up, comes crashing down.  He or she will make you sick!  Abusive men and women don't live up to what they say.  They are emotionally and/or physically suffocating.

"Where are you going?  When will you be back?  Who are you talking to?  Why do you act like that?  You are making me do this...I hate you...You are a...I really wish I never met you!" the angry pair yells. 

The thoughts go round and round in the couple's heads.  They can't move left or right without thinking about what might a partner think, say or do if this or that is done.  One always has to be on point in conversation, stay on top of things when given tasks, and never ask too many questions or bring up subjects that make the other squirm in his or her seat.  If you should fail, make one wrong move, say the wrong thing, etc. you pay.  Long bouts of silent treatment, pouting, cursing, threats, withdrawal of affection and money and more is what the abuser will do to get his or her partner to tow the line, walk the straight and narrow, or do what he or she says.  You worry often about how you are treated.  This is the plan of the enemy!  While you focus on a partner, you have little time for your Creator.  Therefore, the abuser and the Accuser has you right where they want you.

But what if you redirect those thoughts, turn them into positive energy, once they come into your mind?  There purpose is to keep you kept!  A kept woman or man can and should break free from all toxic programming!  As one discovers healing and release, he or she might fear the unknown ( the future), worry about the consequences (being used and abused for fighting back), or ridiculed for knowing the truth.  However, the human spirit is going to sooner or later apply pressure to get free out of the bondage.  It is unnatural, unrighteous, and evil to keep a stable, potentially successful individual bound to someone or something that is taking one's very mind and body.  If you are the victim, you can take your life back!

For every thought that arises that says, "I can't...I won't...I don't want to...How?"  The strong says, "I will no longer tolerate...I am better than this...I can do better...I don't deserve this.  I love me.  There is a way out of this!"

The day a victim realizes his/her worth is the day that he or she will be like the caterpillar who turns into the butterfly and begins to take flight.  Where will freedom take you this day?

Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

Mom will Reap What She Has Sown - When Children Rebel - Emotional/Physical Abuse

Mom was upset with dad so she went off on children.  She cursed, slapped, and did many more hurtful things.  She really didn't mean to act outrageous.  But Mom didn't want to leave dad and so the honeymoon periods in the household came and went. 

The family argued like cats and dogs especially on holidays.  Siblings lashed out, pets ran about, parents acted like fools in front of children.  The house could have been peaceful had adults stopped with wishful thinking that the good ole days would return again.

Mom will reap what she has sown when difficult children grow up.  She will hear the feedback, "Why didn't you just leave Dad? What was wrong with you treating us like that?  He just wasn't worth it, Mom!" 

Future mother's day holidays will not be so blissful.  Children will grow weary of honoring a woman who has little self-respect and has no intention of doing what's right.  Instead, they will see the victim, selfish, brainwashed, needy, and insecure wanting undeserved honor.

Abused children push back.  They rid themselves of the brainwashing that an abusive man/father is still a righteous man that mothers want so desperately to make others believe.  Sons and daughters become wise.  They realize they don't want to be around a scorned woman any longer.  Love becomes distant.  Children learn to protect themselves.  Abused mom tries to reel her children back in like a fisherman who baits his hook with a worm tempting the fish below.  She might catch one or two of her children for a time, but maybe not.

The same abusive tactics that were used to charm the poor mother are the same that she uses on hurting children sooner or later.  The angry man threatens, name-calls, withdraws affection, money, etc. and so she too does the same to her children.  Then she wonders, "Why do my children rebel?  Why do they disrespect me?  Why do they treat me badly?  Why do they let others use and abuse them?" 

Abused mothers will need to take a good long look at what they have taught their children to enable abuse.  Break the tie that binds!

Nicholl McGuire the creator of this blog and others including: When Mothers Cry the book and blog.


Wednesday

She Doesn't Believe Your Story - When Mother Validates Her Abusive Child

It isn't a happy mother's day for some women because they know just how bad their relationships are with their children's fathers.  The abuser's mother doesn't care much about the victim or her son's private lives.  All she wants is to be honored, treated with dignity and respect. 

Not only is the victim bound to her abusive mate, but his controlling mother too. 

Time to step back from not only the abusive partner, but his difficult mother too.

https://www.createspace.com/5585253


God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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