Saturday

POLICE WOMEN OF BROWARD COUNTY (DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE)

No More Silent Treatment, Verbal or Physical Beatings - Draw the Line in the Sand

An angry, troubled, or mean-spirited partner isn't going to change as long as you enable him or her and neither are you.  How long will you keep loving a screwed up person while sacrificing the love you have for yourself?

A victim who has been hurt so much by a partner (and others) is going to eventually withdraw affection in a relationship. How many times does one think you can keep hollering, name-calling, lying, shoving, threatening, and more and the good times are going to keep on rolling?

When laboring to love someone, you eventually burn out.  You start to recognize you aren't smiling or laughing like you use to around the individual.  You discover that you can be happy without him or her.  You enjoy life the way God intended as long as the trouble-making, energy sapping person is not around you.

Relationships are hard work, but worse with mean, crazy-making people.  These partnerships are mentally and physically demanding with controlling, hot-tempered or moody men and women.  You are more patient than most with your troubled partner, but impatient with others.  You spend so much time ensuring a partner's comfort, that you forget about your own.  You have money available when he or she needs it, but no money for others who need help.  You appear to love the abuser more, than you do your own family.  You make yourself act kind with him or her, but don't hesistate to be mean with your children.  You seek peace with the mean spouse, but start or jump into wars with everyone else.

So you have choices, whether you or the one who abuses you thinks you don't, you can live for you--it's okay to look out for you and feel safe.  At times, it is a slow, painful process toward freedom and it just might mean getting professionals involved with your situation.  From moving out the bed (sleeping elsewhere in the home) to moving cross country, if you really want to break free from an emotionally and physically abusive person you can.  Take baby steps.  It took me months in one relationship and years in another to be free.  So if your safety isn't at risk, you can stick around for a little bit while saying goodbye to things like:  the madness, shame, crazy-making, verbal insults, cheating, and more, before leaving for good!

Here are some tips you can use during your "not ready to leave" experience with someone you are laboring to love:

1)  Release yourself from the "need to know."  You already know that a partner is a cheater, liar, angry person, etc.  So why do you seek additional information while worrying yourself sick?  Do you plan on using what you find in a divorce proceeding?  If not, stop the snooping.  Focus on what you are and aren't doing to bring peace to you.  When you redirect your focus, in time you won't feel the need to look through his or her things.

2)  Do you find yourself staying up late at night, eating less, and overly concerned about your lover's whereabouts?  Keeping up with everything a partner does is almost impossible to do.  Do you plan on hiring a private investigator?  What if he/she turns up nothing?  You just wasted money that could have been saved for your future move.  Your suspicions will not go away easily, no matter what you do, especially when a partner just went into hiding with his behaviors.  I ask again, are you ready to divorce? Then why are you letting your thoughts run wild?  He screws up, you know it.  What about you?  Get some rest, exercise, watch your portion sizes, make a doctor's appointment, and take a mini-vacation (without your partner)?  Can't leave the state for fear he or she might hurt you?  How about shopping, volunteering, helping relatives and friends, etc.?

3)  Someone saw something, noticed your partner is up to no good, now what?   So what are you going to do about it?  Confront him or her so that there will be another lie told, another screaming match or possibly a physical altercation?  Do you want that?  Do you want him or her in jail while you pack your things and move out?  Sit back and wait for more evidence to show up at your door.  Thank your messengers, don't shoot them down!  Then gather all your evidence and fight it out in court.   You can do what many old couples do, "Forget about it..." or live apart for awhile--your choice.

4)  Pray and pray some more.  If you have a faith, do you really think that God doesn't listen to those who are obedient to Him.  Notice, obedience to God is key here.  If you have a half-hearted relationship with God that is all about your issues with a partner, then it isn't any wonder why God doesn't answer your prayers.  You made that man or woman an idol in your life.  Confess sin and repent and stop focusing on your partner so much.  Check your relationship with God, ask Him what his plan is for your life and ask him to examine your heart.  Are you as good as you claim to be?

5)  So the silent treatment seems to be ongoing and you just can't seem to get through to your partner. Find others to talk to and learn not to engage the individual in conversation first.  The quieter you are, the better.  Your partner needs to worry about you sometime.  No need to update him or her on everything that is going on with you and your family.  That's what friends are for--use them!  You might have abandoned many since your abusive partner came into your world--catch up with them!

6)  The verbal and physical beatings are going to have to stop and it's in your power to do so.  You fight back, your partner fights back and sooner or later one or both of you will be riding to the police station or in a body bag.  No excuses for abuse!  Talk to the boss about some overtime and save some money.  Keep your eyes open for other ways to make money legally.  You will need the funds for your future freedom.  Do your research on new housing if need be.  Know your rights to property you already own, bank accounts, investments, retirement savings, etc. and any challenges your partner might create in the future.  Enlist the help of someone who doesn't know you or your partner but can provide you with legal resources, counseling services, food assistance (for when you leave him or her), childcare, and more.  Know your budget.  Cut off unnecessary household spending and gifts especially on your partner.

You can do it!  Draw the line in the sand and leave it there.  You will survive emotionally and physically through your storms.  You will do what is right for you and children (if you have them). Admit you made a bad decision in a mate, now fix it.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube.

Thursday

When is the Final Straw? Establish Boundaries and Keep Them

Over 20 years later and the abused woman finally got the nerve to call the police and take out a Protection From Abuse (PFA) with local law enforcement.  Some would ask, "Why did she wait so long?"  Since everyone is different, their tolerance for pain is also different too.  She had her reasons and whatever they might have been, we should rejoice in the fact that another victim is now free!

It might only take one slap for you to wake up and leave an abuser, but for someone else over a 100 plus hits for he or she to come to the realization that the relationship is finally over.  As human beings, we have a strange way of reasoning what love is or isn't especially when you have grown quite accustomed to the way a controlling lover/partner operates and have a long history of controlling family members around you.

I think of the many hurt women and men who just haven't reached the point of no return when it comes to being in miserable relationships.  Their staying with partners, who are obviously no good for them, will have an expiration date sooner or later, dead or alive.  However, bad-mouthing, yelling, pressuring, or joining a church or other support group won't make some move any faster toward an exit plan.  As long as the bills are being paid, roofs are over heads, and food in bellies, most victims aren't going anywhere anytime too soon.

It takes much thought, planning, and motivation to get up and get gone out of a bad relationship.  Those of us, who have divorced, been abused, and moved away from controlling individuals know it isn't easy.  The process is long and the money and patience required is much.  Family and friends aren't always supportive, timing isn't always good, and abusers can be very tricky when it comes to keeping their victims near.  They can act very kind and loving in the public and be quite evil behind closed doors.

A victim who has one foot out the door and one in the bad relationship will have to determine what might be the last straw.  What will it take to finally be released mentally, physically and spiritually from an abuser?  For some women they say the day they knew it was time to go was when their angry partners started abusing children.  Others claim they knew they had to end relationships when they contracted a sexually transmitted disease, lost wealth, couldn't keep a job, or was beaten so bad they couldn't walk or talk.  Whatever the breaking point, a victim must create boundaries and stick to them.

There is no going back when an abuser once again hurts a victim, but too often men and women will violate what they promise themselves they won't do.  They will go back again and again while hoping for the best.  But hope doesn't keep one out of the hospital, jail, or grave when an abusive man or woman is determined to have a victim do as he or she says or else.

Nicholl McGuire 

Wednesday

When a Negative Partner Thinks the Worst of You - No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

They expect that you will behave like them.  They assume that you have a hidden agenda.  They believe that what you think, feel, or are going through is not as important or relevant as what they are experiencing.  A negative partner might wish you well in person, behind your back they hope you fail.

You might have demonstrated your love for family, bought gifts, kept the home clean and organized, did what a partner asked concerning his or her side of the family and more, but it is never good enough.  Old offenses come up during disputes.  What you thought was squashed, over with, and irrelevant is now drama for today.  You attempt to bring peace to the situation and move on.  You might do some extra special things to appease the negative man or woman in your life, but no good deed goes unpunished.

"I didn't ask for that.  You didn't have to buy this.  I could have got that myself.  Why did you cook that, I wanted this?  I don't like my things over there.  When will you be helping me with...I thought that was the plan.  You don't need to talk for me.  No helping out my family and friends, they can call me."

What you thought was a kind act, by the time a negative spouse or partner finds out about it, analyzes what you did, and serves it back to you, there is crying, fighting, and slamming doors.

"I really wish things could be different.  Why blow up on me?  All I was trying to do was help!  What's up with him?  Why is she always on my back?  I'm not spending another penny on his broke...She is so ungrateful.  I really wish I never met him!"

Chances are the negative man or woman in your life was that way with others.  If his or her family was honest, they would say, "We all had problems with her/him too.  Your spouse was never appreciative--always critical from the time he/she was a kid.  At one time, I really didn't like my son/daughter much."

Take heed to what people are saying and not saying when they have disputes with that man or woman you claim to love.  They are trying to tell you something.  Years ago, my mother told me when I was in a violent relationship, "You can't buy love.  That man is not going to change."  Another time my grandmother said, "He has a dark side.  Why are you with him?  You are smarter than that.  You can't buy his love.  Leave that man alone."

Some eventually listen after much turmoil, I did.  But then later, if we aren't too careful, we end up doing what we always done hoping to get different results with similar kinds of people--it doesn't work.  No good deed goes unpunished especially when in relationships and friendships with negative people.

If you stay, expect to be emotionally wounded periodically by that one who always has some kind of problem with you.  Take a deep breath, learn to get used to it, and detach yourself emotionally from him or her.  Eventually you will find that you no longer desire to be physically intimate with the troubled individual or the sex won't be as good as it once was or infrequent.  If you are thinking about breaking up, gradually cut off all the gift-giving and time spent with the individual.  Why invest in something that you know isn't going to last.  Save your money and value your time better getting your mind, body and spirit together through the process.  If you are on your way out the door, congratulations!  But don't look back, too often men and women do this and end up right back into a mess they would like to believe is a relationship.

Nicholl McGuire

Friday

Keep Your Business To Yourself - You Give Your Angry Man or Woman a Stick to Crack Your Head With

So you have something you are just dying to tell your emotionally unstable mate. You really want to make the man or woman you love a buddy today.  So you think you can make a connection with him or her like you once did (back when days were good in your relationship), so here goes, "Guess what I heard today...I just wanted to tell you that...I know something you don't know...You will never guess who I ran into...I received a phone call from..."

You think a nice story about the opposite sex (whether relative or not) will go over well with your insecure partner who just looks at you faking interest in what you have to say.  You assume sharing subject matter that should have been kept to yourself won't cause an argument.  "Well Tina said...and I thought maybe Barry would have..."  So you chat and chat while your partner nods, listens, adds a funny comment or two, or stares off into space.  You walk away thinking, "Well that wasn't bad.  I guess things are looking up...he would have normally said..."  But sooner or later the harmless information you shared will be processed, analyzed, and twisted in that troubled partner's mind and out will come everything that you never meant to say with a few insults, accusations, and blatant lies. "Now what about this Barry, you f*cking him?  I told you Tina is a slut, why are you talking to her?" the jealous partner says.  "By the way, is there anything else you want to share with me?  Aren't you forgetting to tell me about..."

Too much information and you give an unstable man or woman a stick to crack your head with sooner or later.  But there is a way out of the current crisis or pending conflict, you don't say one word.  You don't explain, agree to disagree, or stand there and fight tooth and nail, you walk away of course taking care to keep her or him view.

You will find the more you fight, defend, talk sweetly, or talk loudly, the more an insecure, jealous, or hateful partner will use against you.  Unhappy people will not be happy for you, the people you meet, what you learned, or what you hope to accomplish.  They will find fault in almost anything you say especially if it is some how connected to them.

You see when one makes the decision to labor to love an abusive mate, rather than move on with his or her life, the rules in the healthy relationship books no longer apply.  Don't give a fool any more than you already have to crack you over the head.  Sometimes good communication is no communication.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Tuesday

Loving Him More than You Love Yourself

What does it feel like for some women to love their men more than they love themselves?  Well, if we look around we can see what these ladies look like compared to those who are selfish.  Hair isn't always kept up.  Clothes are a bit outdated.  Bodies are not as fit as they once were (if ever).  Car dirty.  Yet, their men are the total opposite.  They look and smell good, thanks to the special ladies who buy and maintain the love in a loveless relationship.

The women who worship the ground that their men walk on usually don't look as good or better than their men.  Take for instance a relative or friend that you know who has been in a troubled relationship for years.  Notice how she looked when she was in love, now compare that to how she looks since the arguing, fussing and fighting showed up in the relationship.

Many hurt women are simply lovesick over their men.  It isn't the kind of "love" feeling that is like the early days of a relationship, but it is a periodic sickness in the pits of their stomachs, followed by headaches or some other uncomfortable feelings that show up within their bodies when in their partners' presence.

These abused ladies are tired of the relationship ups and downs and are visibly unhappy.  They have aged terribly since their first meeting with their once handsome mates.  Sure, these "I still love him even though he treats me wrongly" types will say everything is "okay," but the truth of the matter is, nothing really is good with the pair.  These abused women are trying harder than most women to remain faithful, supportive and caring toward their partners.  However, this proves difficult when they have been repeatedly yelled at, cursed, threatened, pushed, spit on, choked, cheated on, and more.

The deceptive journey of "...believing the angry man loves me just as much as I love him" continues.  The victim will continue to love her abuser more than herself.  She will fight his women for him.  Bail his broke a$$ out of jail.  Pay his bills.  The confused woman will make a fool of herself in front of family and friends just to prove her love when they say things like, "Why don't you leave his good-for-nothing...?"  Overworked and underpaid, the victim will max out credit cards just to put a smile on her man's face.  She will hold his hand or rub his back even when he doesn't want her touch.  She makes promises she keeps, while her man forgets what he has said to her.  "Oh, sorry honey, I forgot what day it was...your birthday, our anniversary, right?"

The statement "I love you" rolls off the victim's tongue with ease, while her abusive partner hesitates and mumbles something about "I like..I mean luv you, goodnight."

Laboring to love an abusive mate.

Nicholl McGuire
nichollmcguire.blogspot.com
nichollmcguiremedia.blogspot.com

Monday

Insincere Empathy - Abusive Men and Women Don't Care, Victims Care Too Much

Whether you have been abused or are going through a challenging relationship, if there is anything that can drive anyone crazy is when one's partner lacks empathy.

There are couples in this world, believe it or not, who sincerely care deeply about one another's hardships.  They attempt to ease each other's pain as much as possible.  "What can I do for you honey?  What do you need?  Let me hold you...I understand.  We will get through this..."  You will not only hear the sincerity in their voices, but notice just how genuine they are by their actions.  They treat you a bit differently than they typically do.  There is minimal disagreements.  Words are carefully chosen.  Needed space is given.  "I am here when you need me..." the kind gentleman or woman says.  But often angry, emotionally disturbed, or simply rude partners aren't making any adjustments in their personalities and will not be accommodating or understanding no matter what the situation is.  You lost a job, they eye roll.  You are grieving a loved one, they look away.  You share a tragic story, they sigh.  You talk about a dispute with a family member, they turn their backs.  When they realize they look bad, then they might rub your back, kiss your forehead, and tell you, "I'm sorry...it's okay...if you need anything, just call..."

Those of us who have been and are in crazy-making relationships know what it feels like to be mistreated by men and women who deem us unimportant, small, or just another fixture in a residence. You are there, but not there.  When called upon, "Help me with this...Can you do this for me?  Could you fix this.."  But then forgotten about once needs are met.  The abusive partner trains his or her victim, even when he or she feels down, not to look to her or him for empathy.  You supply their needs, but they don't supply yours.  Some of you in these situations are doing quite well appeasing your heartless mates.  You know your men or women could care less about your personal feelings about life, love, people, places, and things, and so you have learned not to share much unless you want your feelings to get hurt.  Some others still have yet to learn how to deal with their cold-blooded partners and so you argue or project your rage on to children, pets, relatives and friends, rather than accepting the fact that your selection in a mate does nothing for you mentally, physically and spiritually--he or she lacks empathy.  Therefore, like you are insignificant to him or her, you too feel like your mate is not that relevant to you either even though you might tell observers something different about your relationship.  Cut the act, you care too much!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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