You Don’t Love Him, You Just Don’t Want Anyone Else to Have Him

Not ready to let go of a man who name-calls, hits, slams doors, and curses you when he doesn’t like what you say or do, why?  Well, for some women they simply stay because, “I’m not letting that b*tch he’s sleeping with have him!  He is the father of my kids,” says the abused woman.  Meanwhile, “the b*tch doesn’t “want” him, because she already had him and she isn’t much fond of him,” says her friend.

You can clearly see from the opening paragraph there is dysfunction, illogical reasoning, and unnecessary drama.  But if you try to talk to someone who is going through something similar or if you are that person, there is no telling you that a man who cheats and disrespects you is not worth keeping.  Instead, you have to one day have an epiphany and realize that you can move on with your life without him.  Now presently your circumstances might not permit a mad dash for the door, but the idea is to start making your way to the door.  

Come up with a plan to make your transition into your new world easier.  This might mean additional employment, more help from relatives and friends, a relocation, or law enforcement involvement.  Whatever it is that you might need, know this, you don’t have to ever put up with foolishness.  You have not been put on this planet for someone to wipe his or her feet on you with lies, cover-ups, false accusations, abuse, and more!  

Pick your head up my sister and look beyond the natural, see yourself the way God sees you!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself, both on


When You Distrust Him/Her/Them: Test the Spirits

Being in a relationship that is headed for break up isn't easy especially when children, finances, and other people and things are involved.  But people who have been victims or survivors of domestic violence know that the fight for freedom is well worth it and some battles you will win and others you might lose.  Your abusive partner might have a long history of lying, cheating and stealing whether the situations were little or big, his or her integrity is put into question often.  When feelings like this surface, you will need to test the spirits.

People will claim that they love, trust, care, and want a future with you, but if deep inside you aren't convinced, it's time to get your hands dirty, it's time to ask the hard questions.   A partner or relative may or may not react negatively to your tests.  But you will never know about one's heart, true intentions, or thoughts when you have a closed mouth.  I learned this the hard way.  Having spent years listening to a partner's lies, exaggerations, half-truths, name-calling, and blaming statements, I realized that one who is controlling or has been controlled by a mother, former girlfriends, etc. will not permit you into his or her world with questions.  This often troubled, jealous, or hurt individual wants people around him to just go along with his every move, believe he is always telling the truth (even when at times he doesn't), and never wants you to talk to those around him for fear you might inquire about what is really going on with him despite his deceiving behavior.

"Don't ask me about that...I resent you saying I did...Why would you question me on this?   You don't believe me...!"  He yells.  "No!" she yells back. "Because if I was to list the many times you tried to pull a fast one, we would be arguing all night. So when I question you on something, don't act like you are so righteous!"

When manipulators are right and have finally told the truth (at least for once in their lives), or are acting better than they had in the past, they make mountains out of mole hills.  "Look, look, I didn't lie, I told the truth!"  He tells everyone he knows.  "She doesn't trust me, I don't know why she gives me a hard time!"  The liar never bothers to think about his long history of mean, deceitful or antagonizing behaviors--he wants witnesses to forget about those times.  He also doesn't analyze his own emotions and why he does what he does and says what he says.  He simply blames the woman, children, job, etc.--it's always the other person in his world.  Just maybe he has a mental disorder, has issues with forgiveness, need Jesus, and fails at making wrongs right, only time will tell.

Now after he has given you stories of "how you are a #$%^& or you act like a @#$%^," most likely, someone or a group knows some things, if not everything, about the relationship.  When you come around these individuals they act as if nothing is wrong.  Someone may even say or do something that makes you think, "What was that for?  Why did she say and do that?"  Test these relatives and friends, can you trust them with information, children, or assistance?

This testing period is crucial especially if you plan on marrying one day--I know that for some readers they would think, "Why would someone marry knowing all this about a partner?  But people do.  Think of people in your own family who gave a partner the pass and married anyway and remained together for years.

Anyway, why would you permit others to witness your big day when you know there are far too many haters looking at you and him with dislike, and besides is this person doing more good than evil these days?  A long history of fussing, cussing, back-biting, and more will put a bitter taste in anyone's mouth, so if you suspect people are treating you differently than they use to, test them.  Now you don't want to bad-mouth your partner if you are seeking specific information, so you can test people simply by talking about things that interest them and how might you assist them.  This will open a door of trust between you and they.  In time, you can then make general statements like, "I need you to pray for me...or I am concerned about some things...I sometimes feel bad about..."  of course this opens the door for them to say, "Well, what bothers you?"  Don't reveal too much, keep the conversation about self, children, future, and more, but avoid blatantly talking about your partner's character to others (especially if your situation is abusive).

Keep in mind, family and friends will try to draw you into a conversation of gossip and bad-mouthing about your partner, don't let them.  (Remember you are seeking information that your partner isn't giving you from this person, but sometimes you have to give up a little to get a lot!)  Ask for advice from the relative or friend you are testing, not because you will take it, just because it puts the person listening in a position where they are giving up something too.  They most likely will not want you to say or mention anything about what was said to your partner or another relative and vice versa, so shake on your agreement to keep things confidential.  If you should notice something strange, since your conversation with the relative or friend, or the person doesn't act like he or she cares or likes you, you know where you stand with him or her.  Don't tell them anything else about you, children, life, etc.  Sometimes relatives and friends will stay loyal for all the wrong reasons to an abuser, and as a result, sooner or later they will feel bad about their actions or in-actions--let God deal with them if you have a faith--for he says, "Vengeance is mine!"

When you distrust a partner, loved one, even a stranger, test the spirits!  It doesn't pay to stay up late at night wondering if someone is being honest with you especially when you know he or she isn't acting very nice, caring or honest lately with his or her feelings or actions.  Simply ask a question. He or she might react over-the-top, "How dare you ask me about that?"  But at least you know that what is in the heart will come out the mouth!  The over reaction displayed from a partner could be coming from a place of hurt, bitterness, confusion, or a cover up for other things.  He or she will lack self control in the hopes that you will feel intimidated and won't ask anymore questions in the future--don't fall for this!  If he or she curses without hesitation, acts defensive, starts plotting revenge, and just blows everything you say and do out of proportion, you my friend, have a foe not a lover, a future marriage partner, or anything else like this!

Let God deal with this person, and while you're at it, stop feeding him or her with "sacrificial offerings," so to speak, such as gifts, sex, money, time, etc. because it is clear this person has some unresolved issues concerning you and you can't very well trust someone who is acting more like a fool than a wise believer!

When he or she sees you are no longer in love with him or her, this person will attempt to make you feel guilty, talk about breaking up, threaten to throw you out of the home, use your children against you, and any other abusive thing he or she can think of.  The Lord says, "Stand"!  When the time comes to set you free from such a destructive relationship, where trust is no where to be found, you will sincerely appreciate your freedom and you will no longer desire such a person who plays more mind games than love games.  This testing season prepares you for a clean future free of worry and unnecessary confusion, so stand, my friend, until God gives you orders to do otherwise.

Check out other blogs by Nicholl.


When is Enough Enough?

What you probably deal with in your home is probably something that I wouldn't tolerate in my own home.  Hi, I'm Nicholl McGuire, self-published author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.

I thought that I would take this time to share some thoughts about relationship conflict and abuse.  Now, I know for some reading this, there is a thin line between love and hate especially when you have been abused.  I am one of those personalities that don't have much patience for foolishness and less patience when it comes to lies, half-truths, and a negative disposition from a partner whether it is about me or not.  So for me, being in a relationship is at times very challenging and there are those moments that I prefer to be left alone.  But for some, you can take a whole lot, can't you?!

I have heard and read many stories online and I am thinking, "What I went through is nothing, compared to what others have gone through!"  Yet, we are all different and some people just feel like it is a badge of honor to stay with someone 20 plus years even if they have gotten hit upside their heads a few too many times over the years.  They rather make it last then to break up, well to each his or her own.  However, enough becomes enough when you say, "I have had enough!"  Now if that takes 10, 15 or 20 plus years then so be it.  No amount of talking or walking you and I can do to convince you to leave someone you still believe you love and loves you will help.  That's why for some men and women, a parent, best friend, mentor, and even a child can beg and plead that they break up, and the couple just won't!  Come hell or high water, they are in it for the long hall!  Some might think, "Wow, she really does love him!  He truly wants her in his life!"  But at what cost?  How many abusive scenes must a child endure before he or she starts acting like one or both of the argumentative parents?  How long will she keep taking him lying and cheating on her before she has a mental melt down?  How will he deal with the next explosive episode when she starts berating and hitting him?  We must stop with all the praise when it comes to how long someone has been in a relationship when we know something just isn't sitting right with us; instead ask, "Is everything okay?  Do you need any help?"  Of course, he or she will probably say, "No or what do you mean?"  Then you can say something like, "Is everything really alright with you and...."  so what they get offended at least you did your part, you showed you cared.

Maybe you are that person who needs some mental, spiritual and physical guidance.  Maybe you are in search of happiness in everything, but that man or woman at home.  If so, let us take this time to pray (that is if you have a faith).

"Heavenly Father, I ask that you be with my friend who is hurting right now.  He/she wishes to have a life that is peaceful, loving, kind, and mirrors who you are and what you represent.  Free her/him of the misery of being in a mentally and physically draining relationship.  Move on this person to have courage, to bind worry and fear and to walk in light and not in darkness.  Heal this person of past abuses and lead him/her to safety. Give he or she favor with those who are near and dear to help.  Use your angels to protect him/her from all harm and danger.  In Jesus Name..."

Read Psalm 91.  Trust in God and he will direct your path!

Nicholl McGuire


Rejected From Birth? | Gomestic

Permitting abuse and being an abuser has something to do with being rejected from birth.  I urge some of you to examine your childhood a little more closely, then put some issues to rest by doing what is necessary to free you!  From counseling to cutting people off, seek your healing this day!

Rejected From Birth? | Gomestic

Why Do People Control Others Through Emotional Manipulation? | Healthmad

Why Do People Control Others Through Emotional Manipulation? | Healthmad
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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