Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Encountering someone who has abused you, whether recently or years ago, can be a deeply unsettling experience. It’s important to approach this situation with care and self-compassion. Here are some practical steps and insights to help you handle such encounters. 1.  Prepare Yourself Mentally Before you find yourself in a situation where you might run into your abuser, take time to mentally prepare. Reflect on your feelings and remind yourself of your strength and resilience. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel anxious or upset about the possibility of an encounter. 2.  Have a Plan Think about how you would like to respond if you see your abuser. Consider the following options: Avoidance : If possible, choose to walk away or steer clear of the situation altogether. Your safety and comfort are paramount. Brief Interaction : If you feel safe and decide to engage, keep the interaction short and focused. You might say something like, “I hope you’re well,” and then move on. Set Bound...

If I could give you the world On a silver platter Would even matter You'd still be mad at me If I can find in all this A dozen roses Which I would give to you You'd still be miserable In reality I'm gon be who I be And I don't feel no faults For all the lies that you bought You can try as you may Break me down when I say That it ain't up to you Gon on do what you do [Chorus:] Hate on me hater Now or Later Cause I'm gonna do me You'll be made baby (Go head and hate) Go head and hate on me hater I'm not afraid of What I got I paid for You can hate on me... Ooh if I gave you peaches Out of my on garden And I made you a peach pie Would you slap me out? Wonder if I gave you diamonds Out of my own womb Would you feel the love in that Or ask why not the moon? If I gave you sanity For the whole of humanity Had all the solutions to the pain and pollution No Matter Where I live Despite the things I give You'll always be th...

The abusive one doesn't realize it but the wiring in the brain isn't connected right.  Fight up against truth, talk down to those who are only trying to help, kick people when they are down, use violence to get one's point across...you might know someone like this, what's worse he or she is a mother or father.  Past programming beckons the once victim turned abuser to keep the generational cycle of abuse going.  "My Daddy said this...my Momma did that...We turned out alright.  Kids nowadays are soft." the abuser boasts.  Hit on his or her head, shoved down stairs, pushed into a wall, burned with cigarettes, called many names, beaten with sticks, belts or anything a parent could reach...and it was all okay.  Well we live in a different time and if those parents were honest with themselves and with others, periodic thoughts don't come together in their minds in a rational way when it comes to parenting children.  - They can't handle too much no...

Talk about an abuser's lying, cheating, stealing, drinking, hiding, or hanging out with friends and you just might be starting a verbal or physical war!  Delusional people will never admit to their problems or seek help.  They are defensive and ready to attack.  Get to close, talk too long, or act in any way that is perceived to be threatening and the violent man or woman will reason in his or her mind, "Time to fight." Living with someone who is hot-tempered is highly stressful, unsafe, and will most likely provoke you to do the unthinkable.  Abusive men and women are typically selfish and unless you enable their toxic habits and behaviors, they are not going to be too accepting of you.  The world revolves around them.  They rarely do anything that doesn't include themselves.  Their intentions are usually selfish.  Whatever they want, they get whether using kind words or acting evilly.  Victims who are fearful of their abusers will meet t...

They are bullies, attention-seekers, angry, loud-mouth, sneaky, or downright evil, children .  They look harmless but upon closer inspection, you see the callousness in them.  They learned from the best, abusive guardians.  Emotionally and physically violent mothers and/or fathers cursing, fighting, slamming things, and acting out their aggression in other ways.  Mad at everyone in the household, a father storms off after leaving his partner on the floor crying and yelling.  Mom retaliates one day, loses it, and makes dad bleed.  The children see, they may tell others, or remain quiet until they are old enough to fight anyone who stands in their way. Slap a child one too many times and eventually she doesn't cry anymore.  Punch a son in his chest as an attempt to toughen him up over and over again, and one day he will pay the parent or someone else back for all his abuse.  The pain received from an ab...

The holidays might bring out the worst or best in you.  Isn't it a bit unnerving not knowing which personality is going to show up around a partner's family or your own?  You know you don't care, like or love your partner anymore, but now is not the time to ruin others' cheerful moods to announce something you have known all year or mere days ago. People who are in verbally or physically abusive relationships worry about a lot.  It can be difficult to quiet the voices in your head that make a mountain out of a mole hill about people, places and things, due to all the walking on eggshells with a controlling partner.  Whether your time has been weeks that feel like a decade or for many years with someone, you know how it can be when you are under pressure because of this person. So watching what you say to relatives, friends and his or her side of the family can be a burden, but it is something that victims must do if they don't want to experie...

The angry man won, got the children and now he plays the victim role.  His charm deceived the judge, the counselor, and anyone else who he could convince that his children's mother was crazy. But those of us who have been victims of emotional and physical abuse, no different.  Even if a mother is mad, he took part in the systematic breaking down of her mind, body and spirit over period of time--her family could attest to it.  "Before she met him, she was such a nice person..."  This is why it is so crucial to get out of bad relationships before your mind can't take another insult or threat. The evil that some do will wear on you and then one day you are saying and doing some things you wish you hadn't. The abuser's lies, exaggerations, and the stories of "What she did to me..." are heard by anyone who says, "Where is the mother?  What happened between you and the mother?  What caused the separation/divorce?"  He has told his version of t...

You may have started off the relationship as a good girl, but now you find yourself, at times, gone bad around a certain person.  As much as you would love to return to that good girl or guy you knew prior to meeting an abusive mate, you just can't at this time. An abusive mate is just not going to allow you to live a comfortable, free and happy lifestyle with him or her before this person is going to mess up things yet again!  Some abusive people will just not let anyone around them be happy or live peacefully.  So the old adage goes, Misery loves company, and negative people feel comfortable when they are in the presence of drama. A quiet lifestyle of routine that appears a bit boring is not the kind of atmosphere abusers want to be in. They don't enjoy laughing, singing, dancing, or being affectionate much.  They are often serious, withdrawn, cold, bitter, jealous, and resentful.  If you attempt to...

Negative words and images replay like a scratched up CD, the abused partner fights to keep fantasies of evil away.  He or she hates the sound of a partner's voice, the way he or she looks, and anything else connected with him or her.  The abusive man or woman was someone who the victim once loved, but not any more. The victim is in survival mode--seeking a way to get out of the controlling partner's maze of confusion.  The abuser's actions can no longer be forgiven.  There is an innate desire to see to it that the abusive individual experiences the pain that the victim has undergone for days, weeks or even years.  However, what good would that do?  Most abusers are walking vessels of pain anyway.  It wouldn't make much of a difference to plot revenge.  There are laws in place and many in jail as a result of taking matters in their own hands.  The focus on freedom is key, then justice will be served sooner or later...

If you or someone you know thought that the woman who recently broke up with her partner will never be returning back to that "jerk, a$$hole, weirdo..." think again!  Depending on how long she has been with the individual and how psychologically and materially tied to her abuser she might be, will determine whether she will leave the individual for good or return to him/her and experience more abuse. 1.  She fails to receive adequate support from her circle of family and friends. These people claim they will help her, but the assistance they provide is dismal or non-existent.  She can't reach them by phone for things like: a ride to a nearby hotel, money to help with a move, a place to store her things, or a residence to live. 2.  She is told by her abuser that he/she will take care of her and that things will get better. The victim was charmed by her partner when they met and if she has yet to let go of past memories of good times, his words ...

After the scratches, the choking, and the incidents with the pillow where he attempted to smother me,  I had to find that place in my mind that I had before I met him, "I'm better than this!  There is no way I would ever let a man hurt me!"  It didn't take long (but long enough--nine months) before I got the courage to start distancing myself away from that ugly man! The professionals were right, it was going to take multiple attempts to leave until I stayed away from him for good.  Even when I successfully left, I still had a yearning to want to be with that abusive man for some months afterward.  I had gotten use to the fighting, lying, cursing, sexing, and the promises that he wouldn't act up again.  If you have ever been with someone abusive, you know how it feels to want to love and be loved and you tell yourself, "It will get better, I know it."  For a little while it does, until a hit, choke, slap, or threat re...

Those around you talk about how nice and understanding your partner appears to be.  They tell you how much they like him or her.  But you know the real person.  You don't bother to correct these people who only see your partner's best side and nothing else. An abuser pretends to care about you when others are around, but when alone with him he makes you feel small, uncomfortable, and nervous.  When in public, the gentleman talks about you as if he is in love with you, but behind closed doors, you are "stupid, a cunt, idiot, dumb..."  He says how much he likes this thing and that one about you in front of others, but when alone with you, "I really don't like you...I think you are pathetic...what did I ever see in you?"  If you should allude to who your dear mother-in-law's son really, share complaints with people he knows, or express your feelings in a private counseling session with him, the abuser will explode! It is the ...

How many times have we heard abused women and men say that the relationship with their abusers started out nice?  The individual was "sweet, kind, funny, unique..." but what they overlooked in the conversation as they got to know one another was "my dad abused me...my mother repeatedly hurt me...I was sexually abused...I was beaten for nothing..."  How many relationships had the abuser been in where he/she kicked, slapped, choked, pushed, or did something else violent prior to meeting the unsuspecting victim?  One might never know, but the key point in the conversation with a potential date a person should be paying attention to is, "I had been abused..."  Many victims of abuse learn bad habits, reactions, and other negative things from being with abusers.  They can become increasingly violent, jealous, angry, and emotional in the best of relationships because of trigger statements, familiar behaviors and reactio...