Wednesday

Emotional Abuse in Relationship will Influence the Way a Victim Behaves, Thinks

In my previous posting I shared a video of a 30 year abuser and there was much insightful information in that creatively done video.  But the thought came to mind after watching it, "Imagine how the woman felt or women that tried to stick it out with this guy...these ladies who thought that their efforts could change him."  As I've said before on this blog, isn't that what many people think when they enter into new relationships or remain in bad ones? 

Ladies and gentlemen: You can't change emotional abusers and physically violent men and women.  They have got to want to change and usually without their enablers and victims by their sides.

The newness wears off, the good times don't remain, the promises fall by the way-side, and the pain doesn't stay gone in poor marriages and relationships.  All the issues just linger on.  I remember feeling so frustrated in an emotionally abusive relationship (cheating, lying, arguing, secrets, etc.) to the point that I felt like on some days I was losing my mind.  I think the men who are socially sweet, yet privately cruel can be worse than the men who walk around with scowls on their faces often.  You are tricked into thinking that everything is okay when a gentleman smiles even though it was just last week, last month or last year that there were more than a couple of arguments that left you feeling like nothing was truly resolved. 

Victims manage their lives as best they can until the next battle and the next.  In my former relationship, it was those surprising discoveries that caught me off guard.  From the things he hid at work, in closets, bags, etc. to the comments about needing some time to himself and what he thought of me at times with a smirk, my stomach was frequently upset and my head hurt much from it all.  I would pray, attend church, meditate, talk to relatives and acquaintances, converse with him calmly, argue with him intensely, distract myself with children, and do what I could to express just how much the man's lying, secrets, exaggerations, etc. was getting to me, but to no avail.  Sometimes he would slow down with all his foolishness or stop for a time.  The hopeful feeling would arise within me (maybe he is changing), but then he would start right back up again acting sneaky. 

He enjoyed watching and talking to young girls and women a little too much to the point that one family member told me she was uncomfortable with the way he looked at her.  The player was overly concerned about the men I would talk to and questioned me, yet he felt it was okay to have female friends given his track record.  He expected us to look like the perfect family in public and dealt with us all strictly if we stressed him in any way which affected my nerves so I would be stressed as well especially if the children were out of line.  He acted meanly when I couldn't do what he wanted and had a short memory when it came to all the things I had already did for him.  When I needed something, he did the minimal, made excuses, or nothing at all.  Always careful to follow with a compliment or give a gentle rub. 

When the writing is on the wall, sometimes you dismiss it or tell yourself, "Don't make a big deal about it...don't act jealous."  Looking back, I wasn't nearly as jealous as I was worried that he was going to mess around and have a baby with one of his lovers or worse bring back an STD.  Sometimes I was concerned that one of our heated battles would become physical.  I had already went through one violent relationship, so the last thing I wanted was another. 

I knew when I was officially over the troubled man (no more make up, break up honeymoon stuff) was when I started saying to myself, "I don't care who wants him, I don't.  He isn't going to change...I stick it out with him and I might end up in jail."  So I made up in my mind to move on before I did something that I might later regret. 

I hope some readers were paying close attention to my past experience, because I can feel that someone is very close to making a decision that may cost you your life--choose personal freedom by walking out the door or getting the police to escort your mate out the door. 

What some, who have never been in dysfunctional relationships (so they say), don't realize is when a mate or lover keeps persuading you into believing in him or her that's what you do--it's difficult to break programming--it is not a sudden process. 

Victims caught in a web of deceit with a controlling person or a tricky charmer try hard to appease their mates when they can.  However, some critics overlook the crazy-making, the lies, the abuse, and everything else in their family members' relationships while thinking that victims will remain calm and cool with them as well.  Eventually, those relationships fall apart too.  A lot of time and energy is taken away from family and friends to do for controlling men and women.

If you are in a messy relationship, you are not going to be the happy-go-lucky nice, calm, sweet person you once were, expect mental, physical and bodily changes.  I lost weight to the point that a relative thought I was bulimic in that same miserable relationship.  I knew that I was reaching a point where I didn't want to ever do something where my ex could pull out the victim card on me despite my years of experiencing his dysfunctional ways. 

In a normal relationship, people can say things like, "We were both to blame and we both did things that caused one another many issues, but we are working on bettering ourselves and treating one another with respect."  However, this sort of logic and compromise doesn't happen in dysfunction.  It is usually one-sided, one is all in, ready to do what's right while the other is a mere actor so that he can maintain a comfortable lifestyle.  I think the more material wealth and children one has, the harder it is to break free.  The one thing I did do right in that past emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship was I didn't sign my name to anything with him or any other man.  Less is always better!

Stay calm and sane.

Thanks to all who support this blog, buy books, and share.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books. 

Signs & Symptoms Emotional Abuse - 30 Yr Abuser speaks | Abusive Relationship


Tuesday

10 Girls Reveal All The Crazy Sh*t Their Boyfriends Have Asked Them To Do

It starts when children are young, this desire to appease, but what if one's boyfriend asked your daughter, niece, aunt, or even you to do these you are about to read here?  If these requests are strange, abusive or even weird to you, then what do you think someone might be thinking if you are tolerating an abuser?

Monday

Blog Owner Recites Poem from Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate Non-fiction Poetry Book

Coercion and Threats - Are You Being Treated Like Less than a Partner?

They have signed documents that they really didn't want to.  Stood before family and friends and told lies about their abusers' threats behind closed doors.  Dropped charges against their partners for fear the next episodes of abuse might send them to hospital beds or worse grave yards.  Some have even felt compelled to stay in relationships because they believe their abusive mates might commit suicide if they leave.  Victims who have spent years being trained to react to their abusers' coercion and threats feel like backs are up against walls whenever an issue arises.  The abusers win and they lose.  In many victims' minds, there is no way out.  So when an ill-equipped advisor suggests things like:  "Forgive and forget...Just do what he asks...Don't make a fuss.  If you just listen to her, maybe she won't have to make any threats..." this well-meaning loved one is simply pushing the victim further and further into his or her mess.  Most likely, the individual has done more than enough to comply to an emotionally or physically abusive partner's requests.

"You won't get in trouble, just do it!  If you don't I'm leaving you and the kids.  You think the last time I hit you was bad...don't make me hurt you again!  You just don't listen, do you?  So what's it going to take to make you do what I want?" the abuser might say.  Sometimes charm works on a victim and so he or she might suggest one's partner do something for him or her followed by a veiled threat with a smile on his or her face or a supposed joke made.  "Sweetie, I really need for you to do this one thing for me.  You know we need money to get the car fixed..to buy the kids some stuff.  I don't need any more headaches and I'm sure you don't want any," the abusive gentleman cautions.

A victim may have once repeatedly put his or her foot down on some things, but in time this person starts to lose the battles.  Fear takes over.  Worry sets in.  Children must be protected.  A job is needed.  Whatever a victim values the most, the abuser is going to use what he or she knows to his her advantage.  No one wants to be viewed as the difficult one, uncaring, disloyal, etc. in a relationship.  Unfortunately, you are all these things and more when you give into the demands of an emotionally, unstable manipulator especially when his or her requests will inflict damage on your mental well-being, reputation, credit report, respect with loved ones, put you at risk of being terminated from a job, cause illness, and more. 

A victim must take back his or her power!  Of course, there are consequences and nervousness will rise up for every time you refuse to do what a controlling partner says.  Fighting and winning aren't always easy.  Yet, what is more important the victim's freedom or the abuser's desires?  Seek the necessary support system for yourself or someone you are attempting to assist.  Re-learn how to say no--establish boundaries and stand by it.  No matter what gifts, sex, charm, or anything else is given, recognize that if you don't look out for you, who will?  Find safety for you and your children if you are in a relationship like this.  Disarm your abuser!  The less tools he or she has to use against you, the more empowered you will be.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, When Mothers Cry, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, and other books

Saturday

The Empty Feeling - Walking Around in a Fog, Confused

After a traumatic experience, whether in or out of a bedroom with an abuser, swollen eyes from crying, pain in one's body, and a sore throat from yelling will leave you emotionally, spiritually and physically tired.  An empty feeling arises within, you are numb to your mate and others.  You can't care about what other people are going through or what they think, because you have been through so much.  You have no emotional connection to an abuser, because you are all tapped out for a time.  You aren't really focused on your children--their lips move but you aren't listening.  You are simply existing until the next episode of abuse comes around again.

This empty feeling is strange.  It's as if someone cut off your five senses.  You don't really see clearly like you did prior to yet another explosive incident.  You don't hear as good when people talk.  Things don't have much of a taste as they did before.  Everything has an odor, but your nose plays tricks on you--what you think is one thing is something else.  You are touched, but are not in the moment.   

You aren't angry anymore, you have no energy to fight anyone or anything, and you just don't want to be bothered.  So calls go unanswered.  E-mails are ignored.  There is no web interaction; you just scroll, click, scroll.  You perform the minimum required on a job.  You are uninterested in going places or visiting with relatives.   

A relationship with an abusive mate is taxing on the mind, body and spirit.  Most outsiders don't care or recognize this fact.  So when people want you to call or come around them, you don't have enough capacity within you to entertain or be entertained by them.  When loved ones want you to help with yet another thing, you don't have the energy to do it.  You aren't a cold, lazy, mean, or crazy person, you just can't open yourself up to anyone when you feel empty.  Like a dessert, you can't provide water, because there is none to give.

Selfish, controlling people don't realize this.  All they are concerned about is, "What will you do for me?  How come you don't talk to me?  Why aren't you helping me?" The victim would love to share all the nasty details of his or her life with the pushy relative or friend, but would he or she even care?  Imagine the response, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that...I didn't know.  My apologies, if you need anything I'm here."  But most selfish people say a lot, but do very little.  They don't want the drama.  This is why one in an abusive relationship must seek out professionals when he or she is ready to make a power move and not gossips, narcissists and co-dependents for assistance.  Chances are some loved ones have traits just like one's abuser, so why would one reach out to people that remind him or her of the abuser?

This emptiness one feels results in a myriad of negative emotions once it leaves (it will go away one day and you will feel somewhat okay because you can feel again).  However, sadness, moodiness, bitterness, resentment, guilt, shame, and other feelings will show up after the fog passes and those d*mn memories will come flooding forth.  You will be back in your reality again, but you know deep within what you must do to regain full consciousness (you still won't feel completely normal).  You will also have a strong desire to want to be happy again and live your life to the fullest.  But that just doesn't happen for victims who are with abusers who refuse to see and do something about their evil ways.  Letting go of one's abuser mentally, physically and spiritually won't be easy, but you can muster enough energy to do it.  Remember once you have your mind back and are motivated to do what's right for yourself and children, your feet will sure to follow.

Sometimes the best moments are when you feel empty, because they serve as a reminder of how low you really are in a messed up relationship.  When you are too tired to run from your issues, too beaten down to keep defending a cold-hearted manipulator to others, too overwhelmed to help relatives and friends, and too lost to be found, you will come to the realization sooner or later that you can't remain in darkness much longer.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

Friday

Abusers Will Trigger Jealous Emotions to Keep Victims Bound to Them

Most abusers are jealous types.  Envious of your intelligence, looks, talents, attention you receive from others, and more.  Systematically an abuser might say and do things to keep you thinking, guessing, wondering about what he or she is up to.  Abusive men and women do some crazy-making things to those closest to them especially if they feel like their victims are emotionally and physically withdrawing from them. 

An abuser's plan is to draw you back to him or her.  It isn't that difficult when this person has made his or herself an idol in your life.  The voice of God that you think is beckoning you to draw near or return to this difficult individual (that is if you already left) is really your abusive mate's energy pulling you back toward him or her.  God frees men and women from trouble, he doesn't encourage victims to go back to someone or something he hasn't fixed and most of all He expects his people to follow instructions i.e.) consider the story when Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. 

The best way the abuser makes you feel he or she is significant in your life is by worrying you to death i.e.) frequent phone calls, talking much about what he or she wants from you, getting you involved in one's personal dramas, etc.  So the controlling mate will do three things: play on your emotions by pressing your hot buttons and/or seduce you, convince others that you are the crazy one by driving you crazy, and breaking you down once again so that you feel like you need him or her.  For instance, a thought comes to the abuser's mind about an attractive woman, he might share with you the things he likes about her just to watch you bristle.  In another example, the abuser may have talked with an ex about nothing, but by the time your partner talks to you about what the ex said, he is making a mountain out of a molehill.  With a wink, short laugh, or positive remark about someone, the abuser knows just what will offend you or make you care about him or her.  Before long, you are right back to yelling, cursing, and love-making all over again.  The abuser has to make his or herself relevant in your life for fear you will get away for good.

Victims will fall for the old "make your boyfriend or girlfriend jealous" game over and over again without realizing it.  They will act as if they are ready to end a relationship only to be reeled back in because they are more concerned about new partners coming into the lives of their abusers, rather than finding peace of mind and safety out of the miserable relationship.

There is the concern that an abuser just might make it with the new person, treat him or her better, share items the victim has bought with another man/woman, etc.  So the victim continues to stay in the bad relationship while taking more of the abusive man or woman's abuse. 

Jealousy will keep you emotionally and physically bound to someone who is also being driven by the same emotion.  He or she doesn't want to see you with a new man or woman one day.  Most often abusers will communicate their possessive thoughts not because they sincerely love their victims, but because they want to dictate their futures.  Controlling people want to be your one and only in everything!  They disguise power and control with false love.  It looks like an abuser loves, cares, and respects his or her victim, but the truth is he or she possesses the partner.  "I love you...No one can love you like me...You stay with me...I don't want anyone else having you...You are mine...You are my world!"  This sounds good to someone who has never experienced healthy love, so they will take anything that looks a little bit like love.  But to the person who can read between the lines, this is nothing more than a nice way of saying, "I own you.  You do what I say.  I possess you.  You are obligated to me after all I have done for you.  You aren't going anywhere.  You will be with me, so don't even think about leaving...or getting a divorce!"

So the abuser's jealousy rubs off on his victim.  Now he or she is often worried about a mate.  "That's my man/woman, where is he/she going?  He said he loves me, so who is that b*tch?  He needs me, because he told me so.  I will hurt anyone who tries to step up to my mate!"  Crazy isn't it?  Well many people who labor to love abusive mates never get free because they are simply jealous.  They make themselves think they can't live without their abusers.  Of course, that kind of self-talk is a lie.  If the man or woman died today, you would be able to live without a partner. 

Instead of being jealous and focusing on other women or men, direct your attention on what would make you happy right now if you chose to stop worrying about the abuser.  What might you do to get beyond the psychological trickery of an abuser and move on with your life? 

Keep jealous feelings away by doing what makes you happy and learn to ignore the foolish statements a partner makes to get you to feel jealous.  If you continue to react with cursing and threatening, you are doing nothing more than giving your power away and then what is left to build yourself up?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

Thursday

If The Exes Told You The Truth Would You Listen? Abusers Exposed

Your controlling, insecure, or violent date/partner made some people before you angry, used and abused them too.  They already knew some bad things about the man or woman you claim to love and for some they might have admitted to being victims of abuse, but you most likely wouldn't know nor would you care.  Abusers make sure no one ever gets close enough to their victims for them to discover the real truth.  There are the stories they tell and then there are those the exes know about.  These controlling men and women work quickly winning the new partners' trust, badmouthing exes, and hoping they never do any snooping or talking to former mates. 

We all have exes for reasons.  They have their explanations and we have ours.  When one chooses to move on with his or her life, there is the verbalized or unspoken agreement between that person and the ex which is not to tell everyone everything that happened when we were together, okay?  Now your current partner most likely doesn't have any one from the past sending smoke signals or warnings like, "Leave him alone...You have trouble on your hands..."   But if he is a walking demon and someone or a group of people who used to be involved with him or her are trying to help you, believe them. 

I came across an article not that long ago that shook me.  An actor that I absolutely admired and respected had been in trouble many times for assaulting women.  I didn't know this.  So I was grateful that I didn't mention him in any of my work, attend any event honoring him, or promote him in anyway, I would have been showing support for a known woman beater.  The exes had been speaking for years about him in certain circles, alerting any potential partners that he was no good, and yet new victims (and others) didn't believe he was a bad guy until they were behind closed doors with him while the public thought he was something special.

Sometimes men and women mistakenly think when they get involved with bad guys and girls that  there is just no way they will be disrespected, abused or used.  But those of us who have been there and done that, know better.  From people with superiority complexes and much wealth to the needy ladies and gentlemen living alone, no one is off limits when it comes to being hurt by another human being.

A long trail of exes in an abuser's life serve as a reminder, "The one you are with has issues.  You aren't the first and you won't be the last on his/her string of victims."  So we might as well take heed.

Nicholl McGuire

Noteworthy Cities to Obtain Dating and Domestic Violence Resources

Where there is upheaval in a city, there is also someone in the home being abused.  Although anyone can be hurt anywhere, these large cities were selected to encourage some readers from around the United States to begin the quest of getting some help.

Cleveland
Domestic Violence & Child Advocacy Center

Minneapolis
Domestic Abuse Services. Domestic Violence Help ...

Kansas City, Missouri
KCSDV Purpose | Blog

Baltimore
Baltimore County Md. Police - Family Violence

Miami
Miami-Dade County - Domestic Violence - Online Resources

Memphis
The Family Safety Center of Memphis and Shelby County ...

Detroit
Michigan Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org

Birmingham, Alabama
Domestic Violence Services and Programs | YWCA

Orlando, Florida
Florida Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org

Atlanta
Women's Resource Center to End Domestic Violence

St. Louis
Missouri Domestic Violence Resources | lsmo.org

Los Angeles
Domestic Violence: Emergency Referral Services and ...
Domestic Violence in Los Angeles: Information & Resources
This is a pamphlet you can download here with resources: Domestic Violence | Los Angeles County District Attorney's ...

I add Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania with sadness but also with contentment, because it was in this city where my abusive experience occurred and also where I received assistance. I recall walking into an atmosphere of women who had been assaulted like I had been and we all looked at one another with that knowing look.  We said nothing, but most of us had reached our wits end.  The counselors were there to bring us back to normalcy.  Allegheny County Domestic Violence Resources | Pittsburgh ...

May this list start you on your way to seeking help, God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.
 

Wednesday

Spiritual Problems When One Labors to Love Someone Who Doesn't Love Back

So you thought a person in an abusive relationship already had enough issues from verbal insults to fighting with a partner, yet they have spiritual issues too?  Yes, many of them.  Salvation is doubted at times for some.  Rebellion is a common foe.  The Holy Ghost living within a believer is often grieved.  Church brothers and sisters might create distance for any number of reasons including being victims of the victims.  Satanic views or worldly thoughts become enticing.  Temptation to do something to an abuser that might put one in jail is a constant fight.  Immorality, compromising one's faith...the list goes on.

Whether you or someone you know is struggling in a relationship that keeps him or her stressed, know that the victim is also going through a test of faith that will either grow stronger as a result or cause one to want to forget about God.

The more drama one puts up with from a person who loves power and control over another human being, the more likely he or she is going to have issues with the Creator, his messengers, church attendees, spiritual relics, the Bible, prophetic dreams, Christian music being played, and more.  Gradually, the one being abused closes off God especially messages that are about freeing one from an emotionally and physically abusive relationship.  "I am fine!  Don't talk to me about that, I know God like you do!  Leave me alone!  My relationship is good!  Don't judge me," a victim yells.

Just like one's abuser, the hurting victim starts to become increasingly critical of positive messages being preached or taught.  He or she refuses warnings about the bad partnership and starts fights with people who really have nothing to do with his or her relationship struggles.  Victims find themselves arguing more often with others, defending their abusers, disciplining children harshly, and doing other things that compromise their faith.  It isn't any wonder that Christian counseling fails, communication at home is often ineffective, and children wish to be anywhere but at home.

Although some abused men and women think they are still the same sweet, nice people they were when they first met abusers, the truth is they too have changed.  Victims are often in fight or flight mode due to their angry partners and the fear of not knowing what they are going to do next.  They learn to grow cold, distant, and mean as a result of far too many arguments with their abusive mates.  They rarely sit comfortably in troubling relationships.  Thoughts are often negative.  Laughing and smiling is insincere at times.  There is always something to do in their minds to keep them from thinking about their miserable relationships.  Rarely do victims get quality rest without the aid of something to help them.  These wounded individuals don't always eat satisfying meals without stomach trouble, and they complain much about headaches and other pain.

When one is battling with health ailments while being with an argumentative lover, he or she typically doesn't think deeply about God and doesn't fully understand or apply holy Scriptures to his or her life like they once did.  The information isn't retained and the peaceful feelings are usually temporal.  Church attendance becomes a chore and relating to God outside of the church is not routine.  Where God used to sit on the throne of a victim's life, one's partner has taken that seat.

However, God with love and mercy, continues to send His messengers to break through the ugliness many victims carry to share truth, warn and encourage.  He still give these battered men and women dreams, signs, and wonders even if they fail to see them.  He comforts them in their storms and leaves it up to the saved and unsaved to seek Him.  He never forces anyone to have a relationship with Him.

When a victim knows that his or her partner doesn't know how to love, meet his or her needs, or doesn't do anything to change, the frustration mounts, the pain within the body intensifies, and the mind obsesses on wanting to escape even when the rest of the body refuses to move.  This is a dangerous place to be in because some people have had their share of meltdowns as a result.  For every time the brain shuts down and restarts it is never quite the same.

Seek God, trust in Him and He will direct your path.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on a number of issues here: YouTube channel nmenterprise7.

How To Know When Your Marriage Is Really Over


Tuesday

On Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: How Do You Know When It is Officially Over?

The relationship is over when you say, "It's over."  You are in control.  Tell yourself, "I am in control of my destiny and not my partner." 

Most people who have left emotionally and physically abusive relationships for good, like myself, and moved on without looking back, was because we made the choice that under no circumstances were we going to return even if Jesus came down and touched our abusers.  Although, this does happen after a Holy Ghost encounter with some mean people (not a common occurrence) and they change in major ways--you may have read and heard the testimonies online, it doesn't happen to all.

So here are some signs, it is over for you, maybe not for your abuser, but he or she isn't your focus if you sincerely believe that a relationship is indeed over.  You could probably add about 10 more things, but these are good enough.

You know when you are through with an abuser when you give up talking about the relationship and how he or she made you feel (good and bad). You also refuse to argue or fight anymore.  It's quiet on your side.  You have little to say to your partner.  You obsess about leaving and saving money.  Moving becomes top priority sometimes over shopping for favorite grocery items.

You refuse to wear your wedding rings or other jewelry he or she has given you and you may even find yourself saying, "My ex...my former girlfriend...old boyfriend" when talking to others.

Another indication you are fed up is you simply don't care where an abuser goes or who he or she is with.  There is no more asking questions, surfing through items, or calling his or her family or friends up wanting to know one's whereabouts.  You stop caring.  No matter what he or she does to make you jealous, you are cold as ice.

Other areas of your life begin to shift including how you behave around people that he knows.  You are so done with his side of the family.  You barely smile or talk to them.  This may not happen for all victims, but it was a sign I was so over a couple of guys.  I had no reason or motivation to be in contact with their relatives.  A few were just like those miserable males anyway, so the last thing I needed was more drama coming from them.

In my experience, I found that love-making, affection and any form of intimacy was a chore and I wanted nothing to do with those things.  I didn't even want to smell those guys.

To be completely over a person is knowing you have no plan of ever returning back to him or her.  As long as you are still talking about "Maybe we can see each other in the future...We can still be friends...I will always love you...Let's go to counseling...church..." you still wish to remain in the relationship.  If this is happening, you have no business starting a new relationship with someone and bringing that person into your mess.  Why should they have to suffer because one is still in love or like with an abuser?

If you honestly believe it is quitting time, then be sure that you are sure and don't waste your loved ones money and time.  A network of support is just around the corner.  Contact a human services agency, a church (a partner has no connection to), women's crisis center in your area, and you can even find information at the local library.

Allow helpful people and resources to guide you out of your toxic situation.  There are ample resources that help with things like: a place to stay, obtaining an attorney (free of charge), care for children, healthcare (free of charge), food, and employment.  Just about anything you need, there is a group or business that can help you with your needs. 

Ladies and gentlemen, your abusive partners aren't gods so don't treat them like they hold your lives in their hands, because they don't!  As long as you are on the move in your mind and your feet are doing some walking, you are on your way to freedom, but if you stay, well you will continue to be used and abused!  Remember, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.  Too many victims ran their mouths in anger to abusers and underestimated them, and then later ended up in their graves too.  So keep your mouth shut and slowly but surely get your valuables out of the residence that you share together followed by your feet when he or she isn't around.  To your success!

God bless and may He keep you safe.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

    

Painful Sex, Bruises, Blood - What Some will Do for Love

Whether an abusive lover is too big, too small, or just right but rough privately (if you know what I mean), some victims in emotionally and physically abusive relationships will do almost anything to appease.  A mind warped with wanting attention, affection, and love from a troubled partner, some men and women will go along just to get along with twisted sexual fantasies, shameful acts, etc. in the hopes that things will get better in a bad relationship.

Those painful sexual memories are hard to erase especially when one's body still carries fresh wounds, incurable illness and more.  A lover told you that "if you love me, you would..." so you said, "Okay."  The mental games didn't end, the discomfort only worsened, and deep within you knew that what was being asked of you just wasn't you.  You kept pushing yourself to do and say whatever to your controlling partner who treated you more like a voodoo doll than a human being.  You were poked, prodded, bitten, scarred, slapped, pressed until your stomach, head, back, or butt ached just about every bodily orifice was violated in some way.

Sexual abuse is the deep, dark ugly side that many victims and survivors don't get into with others.  You hear about the hits, slaps, chokes, trips, etc. that an abuser caused, but rarely do you hear the victim share stories about what really went on behind closed doors in full detail.  Those are moments that he or she would like to forget.

When one is in a miserable relationship, painful sex just makes matters worse.  Abusers don't care that you are too ill to perform sexually, have no desire to be intimate with them, are bleeding, or ache all over, all they want is what they want right now.  Some victims will fight to keep from being raped, others will give in because they are pressured or bribed.  It is yet another war with batterers that makes hurting victims feel weak, defenseless and sick inside.

Abused men and women don't typically want to confide in relatives and friends about being abused by a partner during sex.  It's embarrassing and the last thing they want is to be judged.  "You did what!  You let him do...?  Are you crazy?"  a concerned parent might say.  "But you don't understand, I thought that if I agreed to doing that...he would stop pressuring me," the victim attempts to explain.  

I recall a deceased loved one share how she witnessed her mother and father engaging in a painful moment (at least for her mother) and how she vowed as a child she would never let a man enter her.  Another person shared how it was common for men back in the 1940s and 1950s to beat their women and then expect them to have sex.  It was their way of making up.  This still goes on to date in some of these turbulent relationships.

A violent man or woman with a history of emotional abuse, sexual abuse and other abuses has a choice to quit causing harm to others and a victim also indwelled with such pain can leave the bad partnership.  Until the abused person resists sex and finds a place of safety, he or she will always be expected to meet his or her abusive mate's demands.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

Monday

Why God? The Trials, Wounds, Rage...Where are You Lord?

Another episode of fighting and now you are thinking, "Why God are you allowing this to keep happening?  You could put him in his/her grave...you could make him go away...you could give me money so I can go!  Why?"

Are you going through trials in vain?  In other words, are you sincerely learning from each instant of abuse you undergo until you are ready to exit or are you just taking the pain and making excuses for it?  Are you struggling with the thought that an Almighty Creator and his angels are watching while you cry and hurt inside from yet another blow?

These wars with words, fists, money, children, and more are here to stay as long as you welcome them.  Re-read what I just wrote.  Sure, God, children, strangers and others are watching or know of your situation, but you are in control more than you realize.  Some victims just aren't going to get the help they need because they are unwilling to let go of the angry men or women who have become idols in their lives and let God reign supreme. 

Through every battle you are getting stronger, you aren't weak!  For every time you go through yet another trial, you are being humbled--pride may have long left.  With every name you are called and blow you take, your faith in God is being tested.  How much do you believe in Him that you can take up your bed and walk?  He's waiting, answer the call before it's too late!  There are restless spirits on the other side wishing/hoping they had found freedom before their bodies were buried in graves; therefore, they roam this earth disturbing whoever opens their hearts to them.  No use calling on the dead!

Victims have been called to rise above their situations and chosen to fulfill the plans of God.  Are you ready?  Why ask God, "Why?"  Be strong in His power, overcome the rage, you with little faith!

Those of us who survived didn't allow trials to defeat us even when there were knots on our bodies from being punched or shoved from abusers, blood trickling out of our bodies, pains in our heads, backs, legs, and stomachs.  We looked forward to better days--we asked God, "Is it time for us to be with you in heaven, yet?"  To that question, he said, "No, but live.  Walk in the peace and freedom I gave you."  We survivors lived to tell our stories and to help free others.  We are living testimonies--we know firsthand the righteousness of God.  He could have let our abusers kill us, but He didn't.  Instead, He took what the devil meant for evil and turned it around for our good!

So the next time you want to get mad at God, know that He is waiting on you.  "Why aren't you drawing near to Me?  I know the desires of your heart, but are you willing to listen and obey?"  He wants to know. No more excuses, get over yourself this day! 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books. 

Grieve the Person You Once Knew - Dating was a Pony Show

You thought that what you saw seated across the table from you was a genuine, honest, kind, sweet, and compassionate person weeks, months or years ago, right?  Now how does that date you saw back then, compare with who you see today?

Intoxicated by those lovey dovey feelings early on, we allowed a lover to embrace us, make love to us, and also permitted him or her to get away with a lot in the beginning of the romance too.  Nothing was too big, too bad, too small, too anything when we let love take root.  "It's okay, it's alright...don't worry about it...I still love you.  We will get through this.  Remember we are together forever." 

We didn't want to be judgmental of that special someone and we didn't want to hurt his or her feelings by telling this person what we really thought about the negative things he or she said and did.  We dismissed offenses and made excuses for things we should have questioned the individual about early on.  It was a fantasy world that we helped create for an abuser to walk in and show out!  The abusive person played us like a fiddle and so we danced.

But things have changed, not just with a partner with an unstable mind, but us too!  Now that the dog and pony show is long over, it is time to grieve the past, if you haven't already.  Think about what you thought to be true back then when you looked that man or woman in the eyes.  Face the reality what use to be is over. 

You have waited long enough, cried long enough, and prayed long enough while the stresses keep mounting from this person who says, "I won't do that again.  I am changing.  I am trying.  Give me another chance..."  Maybe you already did those things, but did you honestly grieve the death of that character he or she sold you on over and over again or are you still believing in the dream?  Could you still be hoping Prince Charming or Snow White will come back? 

Take a deep sigh, envision what you remembered about the abuser's false character that lured you in, once again see who he or she is today, and sob.  It's over, the mental game is over!  Picture this person with one big black X across his or her face and then bury that farce!  Abusers play with your mind.  They make you think things that are untrue about them.  Many of these angry people hurt, lie, steal, cheat, fake tears, brag, insult, demand, complain, and do other things.  They are walking around wounded and they do nothing to heal! 

Whatever your emotional and/or physical abuser is best known for when it comes to acting ugly,  don't get distracted, he or she is a manipulator often looking for any kind of attention, so that you are more concerned about him or her than yourself, children and others.  Some of you readers got hooked up with low down, self-absorbed (narcissistic) people who pretend to be righteous, good men and women who know full well they aren't!  But do you? 

We play with our own minds sometimes and we let others do the same when we hope, wish and pray for what once was.  We have to let ourselves see the real truth, dismiss the lies, and have a moment of self-talk.  "You see that person in the room, she isn't what you thought...stop dreaming of something that isn't coming back!  You see that man standing there, he doesn't love you like he claims!  He uses you!"  Let's be honest.  Stop the self-deception!  Grieve, just grieve the lost of someone you thought you knew like you would a deceased loved one rather than defend their lies and facades.  What you once believed to be true and what you told others to believe about a control freak for a partner is dead, so bury it!

Accept the abuser for who he or she really is and know that you can't change him or her.  Face the fact this person is going to do things that will drive you crazier than others.  He or she will take a break and behave well for a time.  There will be that honeymoon period, but then sooner or later explosion time again.  You will find yourself attempting to de-escalate by walking outside, listening to music, working hard on your job, caring for others, etc. but the elephant is still in the room.  There just can't be anymore of this turning back to the way things use to be once the blinders are off your eyes.  You may be doing those things to survive, but what is really happening is you are losing your mind through the process of laboring to love an abusive mate.  But some of you want to put those rose-colored glasses back on or get others to put them on for you, sorry they don't fit anymore and it frustrates the hell out of you!  So you shoot down messengers like me and shut down anyone who doesn't make you feel good about staying with your nutty partner.  I know, been there.

You enabled the abuser.  You made him or her feel welcome in your life, comfortable to be his or her self and now look at the mess this person has created?  Shoes on top of the table, dirty clothes on the floor, foul odors here and there, emotional baggage from yesteryear, children from another relationship, cursing, yelling, throwing things, etc. blame yourself!  God tried to lighten your burdens years ago by showing you some warning signs, but some of you wanted to play superhero and so now you are paying for a partner and all that comes with him or her literally and figuratively.  Well, you know what we do with messes?  We clean them up.  So stop procrastinating!

Just like yesteryear's act is long over and the abuser doesn't feel the need to put his or her best foot forward in your life anymore, you don't have to put up with his or her evil ways either.  Straighten up your back, stand tall, roll up your sleeves, because there is much work to do.  The memories of the past, the image you fell in love with, and the person who made you feel special may come and go at will or is no more, start penning your thoughts, what are your hopes, dreams, and things you must do to free your mind?  It's time to face the truth and move on with your life!  Part of growing and finding yourself again is to stop focusing on someone else who doesn't walk in truth.  He or she is like his or her father Satan, a master of lies, walking in darkness.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel and other books.

Saturday

He Will Get Older, Slower - Will You Forgive, Forget Your Abuser?

Not all abusive men will be able to continue swinging on their wives and children with fists and other things; instead, they will get older and slower.  Some of these aging men will or currently have heart, back, leg, and stomach trouble.  This is where things get tricky, because now a number of victims feel like they can fight back.  "After all these years, he's sick now...You can't fight me now!  You try to hurt me and I will get you in your weak leg...Crack you over the head," she thinks.  But hold on before you get confident and cocky, there are those abusers who have their gun collections, bats near beds, knives tucked away in drawers, and even loyal subjects on speed dial in case they need the police or someone to do their dirty work.  This is why some women should have left when they got a chance years ago, but since they want to stick around the game just got uglier with some abusive men who are getting older, meaner, and angrier especially those who can't get out and cheat.

Violent men don't forget thinly veiled threats or bold ones during the heat of battle with their victims.  Something that was said five, 10 or 15 years ago just might come back up again in conversation.  They might have forgotten about those insulting names and the accusations their victims made about this b*tch and that one, but threats, those aren't easily forgotten.  Sure, you might have thought all is well, forgive and forget with an abusive partner, but are you sure?  "Remember when you said...Do you recall when you told me..." the abuser says.  You think, "I forgot about that."  Watch your back, wallet, children, pet, etc., my friend.

Every abusive man is different in the way he does battle especially as he gets older, but what doesn't change is the violent spirit within if he hasn't conquered his evil foe.  The demon shows up every now and then when his eyes are blood shot, voice is raised, and veins are popped out of his forehead.  If you have been with him long enough, the rage probably doesn't even scare you anymore and he probably knows it.  Yet, the abuser will still have his reasons for why he had to go back to his ugly ways whether he verbally abuses you for something you forgot to do again or figures out a way to hurt you like you did him without getting out of his wheelchair.  He ponders.

Be mindful that an abuser, in a weakened state of mind, can still be a threat.  This isn't a time to rejoice because one notices that a mate isn't as big and bad as he use to be, if anything, one will want to stay guarded.  You never know when the old man might return.  Forgive if you sincerely believe there is a change in him, but don't forget.  Abusive men's minds don't operate like most people.  There is always a fight going on inside--a deep longing for power and control over others.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.



 

Wednesday

When Staying for the Kids is the Last Thing You Should Be Thinking About

They saw the matriarch or patriarch of the house drunk, cursing, throwing things, fighting, and more over and over again.  Mom or Dad made excuses for his or her foolishness, lied about what the children really saw or ignored a partner.  Children were told to, "Go play...don't ask questions...be quiet.  Don't tell grandma...your aunt or anyone else!"  This is getting old and you know it. 

You are not winning your children's respect or building up a quality relationship with them; instead you are running away using your job, church, other children, extracurricular activities, shopping, etc.  Anything but facing the truth at home, right?  Secretly, your children don't like you or your partner very much.  If their confidants could tell you how they really felt, they would.  But you wouldn't listen or accept the truth; instead you would pretend like you didn't hear the messengers or downplay what they told them.  You might even quarrel with them or attempt to put your hands on their loved ones like what was done to you by your mate. 

In a child's world, adults should have their lives together.  Grown-ups are supposed to be teaching children how to get along in society and at home.  What is really going on at home?  Good grades don't reveal much.  Some children can still perform well irregardless of how crazy parents make them feel.  But bad grades tell the tell and this is why some parents (possibly yourself) lose it when those grades start declining.  It's not just about the child doing well in school, but you and I know it says a lot about the ongoing stresses at home.  Sport involvement doesn't tell your secrets as long as the athlete is doing well.  However, if you ride him or her to hard, someone is going to suspect something.  And so the parent orchestrates a public relations campaign for one's household that is supposed to make others think, "Everything is okay with that family."  Aren't you tired of putting so much time and energy into a farce?

Red faces, crying, bad-mouthing the other parent, making threats, wishing to be anywhere but at home, yet you keep going to a house not a home.  You keep tolerating your abuser's crazy-making behaviors!  You keep telling your offspring, "Things will get better..." knowing deep down inside you don't believe it.  Have they really in the last five, 10 or 20 plus years?  You have a list in your mind of all the wrong things a partner continues to do, but you say, "I forgive him. " You know he or she doesn't respect you.  But you say, "He's just having a bad day."  Be honest, you are just putting up with one another, right--for the sake of the children?  "She means well...She loves us," the abused man says.  Are you sure about that while you are ice-packing yet another bruise?  You wouldn't want to let the world know you are being beaten down by a woman, and so you stay.  Pride is going to kill you.

I recall a period in a past marriage where I was feeling like, "This is it.  Stop lying to yourself.  Cut the act.  Your children are starting not to like you...he is blaming you for everything that is wrong in this marriage.  No matter what you do, it will never be good enough."  So I took my son's advice who wasn't in Kindergarten yet, "Mom, you and daddy need to break up.  Maybe you will stop arguing."  He was right.

When we look back on that dark period of our lives, we all realize it was for the best.  The kids are mentally strong and have zero tolerance for people disrespecting them.  As they mature, they express their thoughts without losing it.  I use to think, "What if I stayed..."  But when I weighed the evidence since then, either he or I would have been dead.  Don't take the rage within lightly or wave off the desire to hurt back as if it is an annoying fly, those emotions are real and they will kill mentally, physically and or spiritually if you let them.

Don't stay for children and cause them further harm, do what's right so that they can see a better you and not that person who has a heart that has been shattered in a million pieces over and over again.

God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive MenSay Goodbye to Dad and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

Monday

5 Mistakes One Keeps Making with an Abusive Partner

He lies, yells, curses, blames, and does other things to disrespect his partner and she forgives, doesn't forget and continues to forgive again and again.  Meanwhile, the tension from repeated battles between the pair keeps building up.  Their nasty words feel like they are stuck on walls.  Being in the same room with an abusive man is beginning to get old for the victim.  However, despite the warning signs, there are five things that this victim keeps doing when she is laboring to love her abusive mate.  Repeatedly these issues have been written about on this blog.  Let's review.

1.  She keeps telling herself, "Things will change."

"I love him...I know he had a bad day.  He will treat me better, I just know it."  So the honeymoon comes and goes and the arguments seem to worsen and its becoming more difficult to let some things said and done go.

2.  She believes that her controlling mate loves her in the same way she loves him.

The fact that most abusive men connect with lonely, desperate or gullible women is not for love, but for what they can do for them.  Love may come later or never, it all depends on the man.  Some men are incapable of loving others.

3.  She is doing the children a favor for sticking it out with him.

If mothers were open to hearing from children, the truth would come out sooner rather than later.  "I really wish you would just get away from him, because you both fight too much.  I hate it when you cry and yell.  Things were much better before you met him."

4.  She cares too much.

From what the abusive man wants to eat to where he goes, the victim feels like if she continues to show just how much she cares for him, he will appreciate her.  Instead, she turns into a whining, complaining nag (to be nice).  Many of these victims end up being controlling too.

5.  She continues to spend her money on the abuser leaving very little for herself to help with formulating her escape plan.

Why bother to talk about leaving?  The victim isn't serious about going anywhere until she starts putting her money where her mouth is.  Women who have left their abusive partners for good did so because they were certain about their decisions to leave them.  There was no wishy-washy behavior and they made sure the money they earned got them everything they needed to either kick the abusers out or get their own places.

So the next time you (or someone you know) thinks, "I really need to do something" but does nothing, know you are most likely doing one, if not all, of these things to keep you laboring to love an abusive mate in a cycle of power and control. (Note: look up Power and Control Wheel and review or pass it on to someone you care about).

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men (October 2015), Smashwords.com

Saturday

His or Her Way or Else - Don't Touch My Things, Say That, Do This...

The rules are endless when dealing with an abusive partner.  You learn through repeated punishments if you should once again move something of his, open one of her things, talk at the wrong time, or do anything by accident that might aggravate the controlling man or woman in your household.

Sometimes you're angry with all the reminders, cursing, and pouting that goes on over petty things.  Other times you walk away to avoid an argument or physical fight, but that doesn't lessen the fear, worry or stress within, now does it?  Some victims will calm their nerves with too much music, eating, exercise, many outings, excessive shopping, lots of cigarettes, alcohol, prescription medicines, and other things just to get through another day.  Is staying with the hot-tempered, controlling man or woman really worth all this?

Depending on how long you have been with someone you will reason that, "I've put up with his sh*t all this time, so I might as well keep dealing with it.  I love him.  I want my children to have a father."  This sounds encouraging to the victim, but when you think deeply about what has been said, it really is a selfish move.  You are staying because of what you want, but aren't that concerned about how your abuse is affecting others around you.  People in your circle are there when you need money, have to be understanding once again when you are tardy for work, are there to give you a ride, offer you a place to go, babysit your children, support you at the hospital, and more.  But continued foolish decision making will cause support systems to unravel. 

Selfishness of one parent who rather stay with an abuser than go, permit children to experience their share of long or short-term emotional abuse when having to watch and put up with mean-spirited parents.  This is why many rather go to the furthest room in the house, visit someone else, or move away because they know that mom or dad isn't going anywhere and will continue to suffer through with the abuse.  On the other hand, sons and daughters know they don't have to put up with certain things and so gradually the walls go up while the victim continues to ignore all signs that say, "Do something different.  Create a plan and leave!" 

Sometimes everyone is so badly abused in the home that there is no thought or energy to do anything more but take the abuser's angry outbursts.  "He's just like that.  I don't care...So what," victims say.  One is used like a punching bag.  Another makes excuses for him, and others go along with whatever evils just to get along.  Doesn't this sound sick?  Well it is done in many households where all sorts of abuse is currently taking place from economic abuse to sexual abuse.  Parents will warn, scold, lie, and say other things to children in an attempt to quiet them, but sooner or later the truth comes out.

Nicholl McGuire author of Say Goodbye to Dad and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry
 
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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