Black Widow Boyfriends, Spouses - Dating Violence, Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse occurs often in relationships and many men and women have remained in difficult situations not knowing they are being abused.


Bills, Cheating, and Lies - Why is the Abusive Boyfriend, Husband So Angry?

You changed since the constant bills, cheating, lies and more while being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally and/or physically abusive. 

Further, you saw the truth a long time ago that the man you are dating or married to is one of five things: a womanizer, a manipulator, a cold-hearted hustler, a serial liar, or a violent man.  Rather than save money, time, and orchestrate a plan to correct your error, you are putting icing on it like a cake.  "I'll pray about it...I will talk to him...I will buy him...I will tell him we need counseling..."  Notice "I will" it's your will from start to finish, but what about God's--the holy one you claim you obey and trust? 

Troubled women try to fix broken men all the time!  These ladies come from varied backgrounds (rich, poor, sane, insane) where they lived wild (and some still do).  These women were abused in previous relationships and have childhoods that have left them permanently scarred emotionally.  They don't ever deny themselves an intimate relationship with men--they think they are "better" or "more aware"-- "learned a lesson."  Not really, they are doing more of the same. 

When troubled women should have been single, they were not.  They continued to go into relationships with noses wide open while wearing rose-colored glasses.  In current toxic relationships, they take what they can and hope for the best, but the best never comes when you are laboring to love an abusive mate.  He only gets older, more difficult and something or someone has to be sacrificed through the duration of the relationship (especially if his allegiance is to Satan via past oaths taken through club memberships and the like). 

These men are angry before they ever meet their victims due to much stuff from childhood on (bitter divorced parents, abusive relatives, physical and/or sexual abuse, poverty, racism, heartbreak, jealousy, ego, Satan worship, military programming, substance addictions, reckless living, sexual diseases and other illnesses, etc.)  These hurting men get worse emotionally, physically and spiritually when they are in what they believe are confining, suffocating, and boring relationships and so they want out!  Since they have no plan or money to leave, they take out their frustrations on those closest to them until they have a plan. 

You see to a man who is use to excitement in his life like seducing women, living a fast life and feeding his personal fantasies, the house with the white picket fence, luxury car in the garage, a baby, wife and pet inside is not the least bit interesting to him.  But these secretly or openly angry men will go along with "the programming" or American dream for a time just enough to come up with a plan that suits them.  They will utilize who and what they can to fulfill their personal dreams until they are ready to bail out.

You women, who are abused by angry men, aren't that blind to see that who or what you are connected with are not the same individuals you first met.  You know you messed up, but entangling the web a little tighter is the last thing you should be doing.  Rather, plans to break free are necessary if you want to keep what is left of your sanity in a relationship with miserable men.  Stay too long and you won't have anything to offer the next man who is truly your match--that one who also made mistakes by connecting with a crazy woman.

Nicholl McGuire knows firsthand about this and has authored many books about a variety of issues women and men face from difficult parents to family secrets.  See her e-books. 


Verbal Abuse - Emotionally Abusive Men, Women - New Year Drama

Here are many signs one must watch out for when involved or married to someone who is mean, sometimes nice, mean, sometimes nice and so on to you and others.  If the pattern of verbal and/or physical abuse is allowed to continue, you best believe you have yourself a manipulative, emotionally abusive partner.  Most women and men settle because they are already caught in their abusers' webs.  They are often defensive, unhappy, jealous of others, and mean-spirited just like the abusive men and women they have partnered with.

1.  Spouse or lover rarely if ever comforts you--isn't that interested in your "issues."
2.  Doesn't apologize when at fault.
3.  You don't feel beautiful around him or her.  Compliments are rationed out, insults (or jokes) are given, or nothing is said at all.
4.  You are used like a puppet on strings to finance trips, pay household bills, clean home, perform errands, cook, babysit, assist with past due items, etc. meanwhile you have no clue as to what your partner does with his or her money.  When the abuser is questioned he or she is visibly offended.
5.  The things the individual tells you when it comes to the status of the relationship doesn't reflect what he or she actually does or thinks of you.  You still feel used, out of your mind, walking on egg shells, and more.
6.  Your partner will make suggestions on how you should style your hair, clothes you should wear and other things to suit his or her fantasy.
7.  You work far too hard on making the relationship work while your partner doesn't do much but provide lip service.
8.  When others offend you, your partner isn't the least bit interested in taking your side on anything.
9.  You are not as important as his or her things, social circle, personal interests, etc.
10.  He or she is not happy about being married.  If he or she isn't this person doesn't plan on marrying anytime soon if ever.
11.  The spouse or lover may or may not go along with counseling, but even after sessions it's more of the same and in some cases things get worse because he or she doesn't want to be viewed unfavorably by anyone and doesn't want problems getting out to others.
12.  He or she is frequently angry and will use silent treatment, curse, belittle, threaten, damage property, and do other things all the while blaming you for all that goes wrong.
13.  Looks for ways to trick you into doing for him or her even after you have established boundaries from paying for the abuser's bills to a divorce.
14.  Hates the fact that sooner or later you will see the abuser for what he or she truly is, so there is a lot of lying that takes place during the relationship from where he or she goes to what the individual says about you to others.

Wake up!  If you are experiencing these things, look forward to more of the same in the New Year.

Nicholl McGuire


Sex, Family Gatherings and Gifts - A Temporary Relief from the Pain

As one goes about his or her day being treated nicely by one's abusive partner (yet again), keep in mind the behavior is temporal.  The niceties during the honeymoon phase don't mean that a dysfunctional relationship is any better than it was when a partner screamed a week, month or sin months ago, "I want out of this relationship!  I hate you!  I really wish you would leave me alone!"  The monster within is just sitting quietly for now because nothing is occurring to set him or her off.  However, give it some time and irritations will be projected on someone else if not you.

Sex is the great motivator to be on one's best behavior, but it doesn't secure relationships.  A cheating man can have sex with his troubled wife in the morning, flirt with a few ladies while walking by, meet up with his hot girlfriend by afternoon, watch porn during a break at work, then tease his wife again before midnight for more sex, roll over then go to sleep as if he has done nothing wrong all day.  Meanwhile, his wife (or girlfriend) either pretends as if all is well, really believes things are okay, or senses something but prefers to just let things go for now.

A family gathering means nothing to an abuser when his mind is made up that if anyone or anything makes him mad there is hell to pay.  Loved ones can serve the angry man up with a few threats about messing with my daughter and long conversations about doing right by the family, but it means very little to a violent man (or woman).  Inside all the bitter man is thinking about is getting even with his big mouth woman who alerted her family about him in the first place.

Gifts might put a smile on an emotionally troubled woman's face, but in time she will go back to behaving badly because she can't seem to get a grip on her personal issues.  The children pay, her man pays, and people on the job pay for all the stuff the mean woman has on her mind.

Sex, family gatherings, and gifts are all band aids that don't cover up major wounds.  The blood, sweat and tears are still spilling out the sides of that little band aid--messing up things around it and turning off all those who can see the open wound!

One can hope and pray, but there comes a point where you need to do more than just that or else get hurt worse later.

Nicholl McGuire


Pretend to Be Happy All You Want - Someone Knows Your Truth

Persuading yourself to believe your own lies at home, work and elsewhere?  You know you are unhappy, but your secret is safe with me.  Listen to this audio message.  May God bless!


A Word from the Blog Owner - Freedom

I just wanted to take this moment to thank the contributors of this blog and all those who have shared their entries.  I am so glad that so many involved in good, bad and otherwise relationships have found it useful.  I look forward to a breakthrough year for many of you!  Freedom is just around the corner, embrace it!  You have prayed, fasted, cried, and complained and when the escape plan is looking you in your face, follow it!

Far too many men and women in relationships who realize they have made serious errors partnering with angry individuals who are incompatible try so hard to cover up their mistakes by spending more money for fancy gifts and vacations, lying to relatives and friends about their unhappy home, while attempting to make someone happy who just isn't content in the relationship. 

Take your eyes off the appearance/wish/hope for happiness and seek after true contentment--you owe it to yourself and those who are watching some of you hurting who are slowly losing your lights!  Quoting from the lyrics of one Christian hymn, "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine..."  A woman or man scorned is not a beacon of light no matter how much twinkling Christmas d├ęcor one uses to decorate his or herself and dwelling up!  Keep that in mind and know your true worth --envision FREEDOM!

Nicholl McGuire is the manager of this blog, a self-published author, inspirational speaker, and business owner originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She has been a featured guest on television and radio talk shows such as CBS and WPXI Channel 11.

At this time we are welcoming any contributors who would like to be featured for their inspirational tips or relationship challenges on this blog.  Also any individual or business who would like to purchase ad space, do make contact.

Feel free to reply to this post or contact me at


Watch What You Say to Others About the Man, Woman You Once Loved But Still Involved

The holidays might bring out the worst or best in you.  Isn't it a bit unnerving not knowing which personality is going to show up around a partner's family or your own?  You know you don't care, like or love your partner anymore, but now is not the time to ruin others' cheerful moods to announce something you have known all year or mere days ago.

People who are in verbally or physically abusive relationships worry about a lot.  It can be difficult to quiet the voices in your head that make a mountain out of a mole hill about people, places and things, due to all the walking on eggshells with a controlling partner.  Whether your time has been weeks that feel like a decade or for many years with someone, you know how it can be when you are under pressure because of this person.

So watching what you say to relatives, friends and his or her side of the family can be a burden, but it is something that victims must do if they don't want to experience additional pain at home along with children pets, etc. 

As much as some observers really want to extract the truth and be that listening ear (or the family gossip), it is best to stay quiet and avoid confiding in them at this time until you are ready to escape your situation.  Tis the season of false holiday cheer for many.  Anyway, put on your fake smile and hold your head high with the rest of them until you know what your next move might be.

NOTE:  If you have never suffered as a result of an abuser, I would suggest that you don't put any pressure or stress on someone who has about talking to you or visiting with you during this season.  Abusive situations are like volcanoes and earthquakes you never know when they might erupt or when someone might turn on you while you thought you were only trying to be helpful. 

Treat the victim with love and kindness.  Remind her or him you will be there should this person need any assistance--keep to your word.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of many books including She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men. 


The Argument: "At Least My Exes...My Family...My Job..."

The words are flying out of an angry lover or spouse's mouth as if boasting about failed relationships, dysfunctional relatives, and unsatisfying jobs is going to somehow make the individual look better or hurt the one who's listening. 

Miserable partners do cast blame and twist failure around into what appears like success while wielding it as if it is a weapon.  This is usually done when the player, pimp or hustler type is caught in yet another lie, twisted truth, weird way of behaving, or downright abusive act.

The user and/or abuser has got to corner you during battle launching a verbal attack.  He or she will accuse you of being wrong when you are sincerely right this time, the last and maybe the time before that.  Too much truth, wisdom, exposing, etc. and the angry man or woman viciously responds with, "You think you are better...You always want to be right!  You don't know what you are talking about!  What makes you an expert on...?  Well what about that day when you...?  Who told you that?"

God-fearing Saints take heed! Jesus spoke a lot of truth in his day.  You know his critics hated Him, so what do you think an abusive man or woman truly thinks of you?  Until the hurting individual(abuser) starts picking his or herself a part like the pieces of a puzzle and starts to walk right with the Father, there will always be a battle arising especially in a spiritually unequally yoked partnership--regardless of how many years you have been together or how much religious practices take place.

The strategy from that player, pimp or hustler is to distract you from what you noticed, heard, and other things about him or her while the counterattack is being constructed in one's mind.  The idea here is to throw you off so you will stop asking questions, revealing his or her past, and finding out additional information.

The "My ex was better at..." (or some other person like a parent or friend) argument is a mean-spirited partner's way of trying to push you into behaving like he or she wants (this is a controlling tactic--also used to start a dispute so that he or she can get out the house and do whatever with whoever).  In addition, the braggart of his or her past wants to get you to become jealous (make you feel insecure about yourself).  This attack might work for the woman or man with low self-esteem, but for those individuals who are quite confident in themselves they could care less.  Sometimes victims will find an excuse to do what they want just because a partner wants to boast so much about an ex or someone else. 

If a former spouse or a loved one was "so good, so great, so wonderful..." then why is the individual not spending his or her time with the ex, relative, friend or alone--why waste the listener's time boasting about the past?  That's because whoever or whatever is not nearly as great as they claim to be for him or her or someone is talking to that abuser about his or her past making it more than what it was.  So if I am sitting on the phone listening to a relative tell me flattering things about an ex, my vision of him or her might be a bit different than it once was and the comparison triggers just might be turned on making it challenging for me to maintain a quality relationship.  There are often holes in the stories partners share about exes especially if the family still likes the exes and spends time with them. 

People break up or become distant for good reason and don't let an abuser or any other individual try to swindle you into believing their myths.  Rejected people and those who are poor performers when it comes to relationships are often in denial from childhood to their personal feelings about a current partner.  These individuals brag about the past as if they were never hurt, talk about their friends' lives as if they are in perfect relationships, brag about former employers as if they were the best of friends, and more braggadocios types of behavior. The real truth is controlling men and women know that they lost power in situation(s) and couldn't maintain quality connections due to things like: pride, stubbornness, childhood abuses, rejection, and other painful emotions. 

So back to that so-called exceptional ex and others abusers and users like to throw up every now and then in an argument, those men and women quite simply didn't want them anymore and they were deeply troubled mentally by that or the abusers may have still wanted them for material wealth or periodic sex but not anything serious.  Former victims (typically that's what they are) reach a point in relationships where they say, "I've had enough of this, goodbye!  You won't use me anymore!  Be with whoever and do whatever, because I am so done with you!" 

When it came to an abusers' or users' friends, they eventually found them out.  Sometimes they are just as toxic!  They too gradually realize they didn't care for controlling friends as much as they once did for any number of reasons like flirting with partners for starters.  Abusive men and women are known cheaters whether emotionally or physically. 

As for employers, they too soon discover they have a sociopath, narcissist or some other type working for them.  Sooner or later they lose interest in these charmers.  So to get rid of them at the workplace, they make things a bit uncomfortable so much in fact that they hope offending workers will quit their jobs or management looks for ways to get abusers as far away as possible from moving them out of departments to sending them out of town.

People who take advantage of others expect far more than they give at home and work.  They aren't typically consistent on the job and don't get along well with authority figures or others who work closely with them. 

Abusive people in relationships usually end up divorced or in jail due to uncontrollable anger episodes.  Many of these troubled men and women are unforgiving, blame everyone else for their troubles, and don't believe they are wrong about anything.  They frequently become visibly defensive when concerns need to be addressed.  When exposed, they will lash back with boastful phrases about "How I never...Your wrong...My past relationships were not bad...My parents showed me love...You're just jealous!" What else can users and abusers say when they live with the truth within them everyday that tells them, "You never learn, do you?  So you got another one angry with you like the last one and the one before...You don't apologize...You don't act like you care...You never learn."

Nicholl McGuire  


Negative Partner and Others - Difficult Personalities

Part 2 of 2 - The Passive Aggressive Personality/ "I'm Always Right!" - based on Difficult

Spiritual related audios can be found YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.


How to Save a Marriage After An Affair - Shutting Down The Visions

Don't Tell a Partner Your Game Plan or Make Verbal Threats or Act Threatening

You know why a lot of families are grieving this day?  It is because during the heat of an argument their beloved, yet deceased, sons and daughters yelled out their intentions (what they planned to do like leave them) to their abusers, and even acted boldly in attempting to defend themselves.  Victims buried six feet deep prematurely because they just couldn't keep their mouths shut!

You don't tell a violent man or woman your plans, ever!  You might think he or she wouldn't think twice about hitting you, ruining your credit, hurting your children, or doing any other crazy act, but think again!  Just because you have been with someone well-over a decade doesn't mean that he or she wouldn't take what they have learned from you and flip the script!

The Bible warns to love our enemies for good reason.  Even if you can't love an enemy at least act like it until you are as far away from him or her as possible.  Treat the person kindly, but not so well to the point that he or she wonders if you put something in his or her drink.  However, do not under any circumstances tell an abusive man or woman or his or her family what your future plans might be especially if they involve taking children away. 

Keep in mind, the holiday merry-making is nothing more than a mere illusion, a partner hasn't changed and neither have you.  Trust no one but those who can help you outside of you and your partner's social circles.

Stay in prayer and ask God to protect you from all harm and danger.  Seek professional counseling and contact the police and the National Domestic Violence hotline to find out what you can do to be safe.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

The Nagging, Nervous Feeling Grows When in a Relationship with an Angry Partner

Frequently angry men and women who claim to love their partners really don't.  They are so emotionally involved with all that upsets them to sincerely care much about how their mates truly feel concerning the relationship, children and more.

Abusive people are only happy when they feel in control and can exercise their demands on others.  Keep idolizing them while making these mean-spirited people feel like you can't live without them and you just might not be punished by them at least for awhile.  However, cross them, rebel, or do something you desire to do and before long you are walking on thin ice with them.  The violent type will sooner or later attack as some of you already know. 

Now if you have yet to experience that suffocating, walking on egg shells, stomach-churning, and nervous feeling that angry men and women bring out of their victims then give it some time, stick it out with them long enough and your head and gut will be affected by them.

Nicholl McGuire has written She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men for victims or potential ones.


A Counterfeit Heart - The Callous Man Who Lusts and Then Leaves Them

Every woman thinks she can be his number one, but the narcissist's knows better.  He doesn't love women, he uses them to obtain benefits.  There are no women in his life he deems game changers that can turn the handsome play boy into a devoted and loving husband.  As this blogger learned, the only thing you will get from a sociopath is another broken heart.  Read this story.

January Many Couples will Announce Breakup, Divorce

The last holiday season of the year will bring out the best in anyone especially if he or she knows that right around the bend is a long awaited breakup.  Now before you start thinking about whether your partner plans on leaving, just know ending a relationship takes time so it doesn't mean that January (or any month) next year applies to you or him/her.  Besides, one's mate might not be the one thinking about leaving, but you are. 

So fed up with the relationship roller coaster ride and so done with lies, cheating, abuse, etc., January just might be the right time for you to plan your exit.  However, keep in mind a jilted lover doesn't go away so easily and neither does a violent one, so be sure you have the necessary support system in place from domestic violence counselors to police officers standing by.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.


Book for Battered Men in Relationships with Crazy Women

Not every woman is a victim and not every man is abusive toward his woman.  For the man who is looking to get out of a verbally and physically abusive relationship, She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire was written for you.  If you are not in an abusive relationship, pass this book on to someone you might know in a relationship with a crazy woman.  Get your copy today!


On Defending Dysfunctional Family Members and Friends

The Child Isn't at Fault - Choosing a Partner Over Children

A daughter has seen it all mommy in tears while a son watches his dad with fears after connecting with partners that are unfit for an intimate relationship much less a step-child. 

Quick to jump into relationships, dating couples who later marry end up right back to where they started from--bitter, angry, confused, and used again.  How did one return to a mess he or she calls a relationship?  Children are not stupid, they know when parents screw up and they also know when they are better off spending much needed time alone possibly permanently.

Let's face it, after going through much in life, not everyone is equipped emotionally and physically to have a serious relationship with someone whether they met these individuals on or offline.  Until emotional and/or physical healing takes place from past problems and a determined and disciplined mindset to want to change, it will always be more of the same.  The older we get the least likely we will do anything different.

A rebellious child isn't just going through puberty when he or she sees a parent frequently upset over the littlest of things, the individual is also witnessing an adult he or she loves unhappy too.  "Why take out your anger on me, because you aren't getting along with your man!" the child screams.  "I didn't want a father (mother)!  We were just fine until that person showed up!"  Now the offended parent wants to slap, kick, choke, and berate a child for his or her smart mouth.  "You don't screw this up for me!  You shut up!  After all I've done for you!"  the selfish parent yells.

The truth is hard to accept when things don't work out like one had hoped and planned regarding a relationship.  Why subject a child to abuse when one is being verbally and/or physically assaulted by a mate?  Why attempt to brainwash a child into believing "everything will be all right" when the truth is, things are only getting worse?  Why tell the child, "If it weren't for you, maybe things would be better"?  Even if children weren't in the picture, it doesn't mean a couple would get along.

The child isn't the one to blame when a parent chooses to cover up past personal issues while pursuing yet another dead-end relationship.  Put yourself in a kid's shoes for a moment.  Did he or she ask for love and happiness or pain and suffering for his or her parent and self?  Of course not!  So why use the child as a scapegoat?

"If only mom would stop taking her explosive temper out on me...I know why she is's that man she chose," a daughter thinks.  "Things would be so much different if dad would stop bringing these women into my life," a son says.

Think about it.  Bad relationship?  A child isn't to blame.  Not only does an abused woman or man go through much with a controlling, jealous, and angry partner, but throw in child abuse and now the victim has turned into an abuser toward a child.  How much is one's freedom really worth?  How much is a child's freedom worth?  An abuser isn't worth jail time or the cost of a relationship with one's child. 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, When Mothers Cry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and other books.


ENCORE: Jezebel and Ahab - Tag Team: a husband and wife who wickedly deals with ...

In a Difficult Relationship? Sharing Your Blues with Family? Can They Really Help?

Problems on top of problems is what I thought prior to writing this.  Some will add more drama to their personal lives without solving the problems that already exist.  Running from the problem at home is not going to make matters better.  Sure, for a few hours at the dinner table you drink and eat then spend some time watching TV and happy children playing, or you quietly whisper about a partner in the next room to a relative, but do you really plan on doing anything?

A victim must be very selective when it comes to who he or she confides in.  The family gossip isn't going to help matters, an elderly person who is ill-equipped to handle stress isn't the least bit interested in being a good listener, and a parent or sibling who is worn out with story-telling isn't coming to your rescue if they too are in dysfunctional relationships.  Everyone just wants to have a good time.  The problem with that is people like this are unreliable.

Sometimes hanging out with relatives helps ease tension for awhile, but depending on how they really feel about a relative and his or her partner the connection might make matters worse.

Plan your exit strategy not another dinner party or family visit.  Plan ways to save money not spend it on things like: vacations, more toys for the children, and stocking up on more items than you need.  Make the kind of decisions that will improve your self and in time you will experience true freedom!

Nicholl McGuire also shares her work on Dating Advice, Relationship Problems.


Welcome to a Blog of Real Life Stories, Pain and Advice on Breaking Free from Toxic Partners

They are angry, bitter, abusive and will blame their victims for any and everything that goes on in their lives.  You might be the closest one to them, you love and stand by them, but how much can you take?  These are abusive people who we love.

For years, the Laboring to has provided resources, tips and interviews to people who are just like you looking for a bit of peace of mind when it comes to loving someone who acts unlovable.  We labor to love abusive people and we pay the price too for doing so!  So if you feel at your wits end, do scroll around this site for helpful information related to your abusive experiences or someone else's.

For the latest postings, do subscribe to this blog.  If you are a business or group benefiting from this work, we ask that you assist us by donating generously to Nicholl McGuire Media.  Since 2007, we have cherry-picked some of the best and most useful information to help abused individuals break free from toxic relationships and have made much of our material offline free from time to time as well.  We have given the books Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself to homeless shelters, colleges, and individuals on the street.  Your generosity would be greatly appreciated, click here to make a donation.  We are a for-profit business.

Thank you for visiting, do subscribe today!

Woman Beats Her Fiance - Jeremy Kyle Show - Domestic Violence

Can't Explain - the Evil of Parental Alienation


After the Argument: 10 Things You Can Do

You felt like you lost the battle.  You didn't feel heard, weren't respected, and there was no solution and/or agreement provided, now what?  Well, you can't force someone to go along with you if he or she is not open to receiving what you say no matter how valuable you think your insight might be in helping matters.  So what now?

1.  Find out what you can do to provide peace of mind for you.  Ask yourself, "How can I best manage the situation/problem on my end?'

2.  Be prepared for any backlash, because you took matters into your own hands. Have a list of reasons ready, proof, and anything else you need if your partner should confront you later. (Note: if you fear he or she will abuse you, contact police station.  An officer can show up to your residence without it being an emergency just state what your concerns are when you call).

3.  Know yourself and how long and how much you are willing to deal with when it comes to a difficult partner.

4.  Manage your time better and learn to do things without him or her i.e.) holiday events.

5.  Plan your life and do what makes you happy i.e.) relocation, counseling, new job, car, etc.

6.  Continue to treat your partner with respect, but draw the line when things get out of hand again. Say things like, "I will not stand here and let you insult me.  I will listen to you, but I will stop and walk away if I feel threatened, nervous or fearful.  If you don't take a moment to hear what I have to say, you leave me with no choice but to end this discussion.  We can talk again after dinner or tomorrow after breakfast."

7.  Write a letter to yourself expressing how you truly feel and what you want in the future.

8.  Prepare a letter to give to your partner if you feel you both just can't talk openly about things.

9.  Spend some time away from him or her.

10.  Send children to relatives or elsewhere so that you both can handle pending tasks, converse, plan for the future, etc.

If you are planning to break up, your safety is top priority, so be sure you don't attempt to end a relationship with someone violent when no one is around.  Go to a public location and do not go back home with him or her after you share the news.  Plan to remove all important things from home prior to your announcement.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.  Say a prayer for this author and others on this site.  Delivering enlightening messages to help free others, at times puts messengers at risk spiritually and physically.  God bless.


Some Relationships Just Aren't Meant to Be: A Personal Experience

After listening to that voicemail over and over again, I couldn't believe that the man who claimed he loved me would stoop so low. He knew what the relationship deal breaker was from the start, and that was cheating. Yet, he did it anyway. Her voice was soft, inviting and she looked forward to seeing him again.

When I approached him with my discovery, his face looked sad, angry, and confused all at the same time. The red, round face barked about why was I looking in his things and went into denial about not being with her when he was supposed to be out grocery shopping. Funny, that day in question, he only returned with a few items.

After yelling and crying much, I lost my footing and let the wall catch my back as I slipped slowly onto my behind. My head was bent, face in hands and so was my heart. In between sobs, I managed to get out, "This is over, I am leaving and I'm taking the baby too!" You think he would have objected after years spent together and we shared a son. But he didn't. A tear slipped from one of his eyes as he walked out the room.

Problem solved for him, I and baby were leaving and he could have his fun. So the drama ended, right? No. I moved out with fussy baby in tote in the middle of January 2000 on a zero below day with the help of family. Back to my childhood home, the place I didn't want to return to because the people there would say, "I told you so. He wasn't any good...I could see it."

After a few months of shuffling baby back and forth between mean glares, quick retorts, and grabbing baby stuff, my ex and I were slowly getting over the past. Our cordial sides were emerging and we actually smiled again at one another. One day, I was shocked when he gave me a hug and apologized. He was still "my ex," at least so I had thought, I was dating and so was he. "He was longer my type...not for me," I told others.

Something eventually softened within, okay so it was my heart. Before long we were dating, making love passionately and uh oh, another baby on the way! He promised me that things would be different this time. We expressed how we didn't make time for one another since the first baby's arrival and how much we still loved each other.

Less than a year after our separation, we looked for and engagement and wedding rings, then set a date and got married. But it wouldn't be long before old demons would come out of the shadows again. Yet, we remained committed for almost eight years with a few more make up to break up scenarios in between before the relationship ended in divorce.

The ride together was exciting, fun, and also very hurtful. Through our pain, we discovered that when something isn't meant to be, no matter how much wishful thinking, prayer, and niceties, it just isn't meant.
Nicholl McGuire is the author Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books. 

Dysfunction and Deceit - When Light Exposes Darkness - Family Issues


How To Leave A Narcissist--Minimizing The Pain

Lisa A. Romano is a Breakthrough Life Coach who specializes in helping people heal their childhood programming. If you have been raised by alcoholics, narcissists, or if you are struggling with codependency, and have been attracting narcissists into your life these videos will help you unravel the dysfunctional beliefs that are holding you back.

For professional inquires;


On Making a Psychopath Go Away - The Gray Rock Method

Have you ever been given the advice to act boring, look unattractive, and rid yourself of the things you know your abusive partner likes prior to ending a relationship?  Well if you haven't, let me introduce you to yet another effective method for some people in bad relationships who know full well they are with psychopaths.  Many abusers are attracted to nice, seemingly caring people who are beautiful, generous, and own quality things (or if they know you might get something useful in the future they just might stick around).  But what if you recreate your reality to push your mean-spirited partner out the door?  What if you were dull, not helpful, quiet, non-responsive, don't react to just might get "Trouble" to go away.  Learn about the The Gray Rock Method of Dealing With Psychopaths. 


Thinking About Divorce?

You are left with no alternative when staying in a relationship with someone who continues to bring you down on a daily basis.  No matter how much you talk, buy gifts, prepare good meals, respond to his or her needs, scream, cry, moan, complain, or threaten, an abusive mate isn't the least bit interested in changing.  Sure, he or she will make promises and temporarily act on them while you go along for a time, but the elephant is still in the room and no one is doing anything about it.  What now?  It is only natural to want out of a situation that makes you feel like you are "useless, a nag, b*tch, trouble, crazy" or whatever else an abusive partner has labeled you. 

Check out this writing by Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men author Nicholl McGuire.  This work is for both men and women laboring to love the un-loveable.  Thinking About Divorce A Lot?  How Bad Is It?


Work Call-offs, Excuses, and Hiding the Pain Within

She smiles at her neighbors, makes small talk with co-workers, and works hard to be nice to family members, but inside she is a wreck.  He tells people how great he feels, how well his family is doing and how proud he is of them, while carrying around past offenses.  Both are unhappy, but they will never tell you.

When I was in abusive situations (mental and physical), then later getting married for the first time, I wore a bright smile despite much of the pain I was going through inside.  I laughed with people, made jokes, carried myself in positive ways, that unless you knew me very well, you wouldn't know I was in pain.  I was often angry inside, because I couldn't make troubled partners behave.  I detected that there was something wrong with them, me and what we called a "relationship," but I felt so helpless.  So I masked the ugly stuff I was feeling inside with shopping, pretty makeup and eye-catching hairstyles.  When chatting with others about my issues, there was never enough time to express what was on my heavy heart.  Besides, the more you talk, the more people want you to "get over it" and "quit talking about it" especially if they have heard your problems a thousand times already and you still have yet to do anything about them.

I recall those work call-offs like it was yesterday.  There wasn't too many, but those personal days I did take, I was up to my eye balls in personal stress.  Those days did provide some eye-opening moments for me and I recognized that change was imminent.  The job was the only thing at times that made me feel happy, important and appreciated.  But at home, was quite a different story.  I could manage work, but not the men who was always up to something.  From lying about their whereabouts to what they did with their money while looking in my wallet, the disputing was tiresome and oftentimes unproductive.  As stress increased, so would health woes.  Who wants to have sex or much else when you are unhappy?  That too gets old!  So rather than problem solve, one cheats, another creeps seeking a replacement, and another shuts down sexually too.

Sooner or later you can't cover up your disappointments with partners much longer and the ever-popular statement of, "But I love him..." becomes annoying to family and friends who can clearly see you are not the happy woman (or man) you once were, so carefree, patient and kind.  But you make excuses for every negative that someone notices about you.  Meanwhile, the images pop in your mind of an angry mate, date, or lover that has hurt you once again, but you know better not to share certain information again about your bad relationship with some critical relatives and friends.  You know what they will say, "Admit it, you made the wrong decision dating/marrying him, now what are you going to do about it?"

Hiding pain is what many victims learn to master at least for quite awhile until they have a series of health challenges, mental breakdowns and the like.  Now everyone knows their business.  You can run, but you can't hide.  You can lie, make excuses, take personal days off, shop, eat much, or eat little, but the real issue is with that one you live with.  Blame anyone you want outside the home, but perceptive people know the truth, because chances are they are either in a similar situation or have been there and done that and aren't the least bit interested going down that destructive path again with you.

Pain is a great teacher when nothing else seems to work for those who insist on laboring to love someone who doesn't love back, but hurts whoever or whatever is in his or her path.  From cheating to drunkenness, an abusive man or woman is the end all to what little self esteem you have left, peace, patience, and love. 

Woe to the next person who meets a victim who has yet to heal from his or her broken past.

Nicholl McGuire


Drinking Too Much Excuses, Lying, Cheating - Abuse is Abuse - No Denying, Justifying

How many times does one excuse unacceptable behaviors before realizing that he or she is living a lie?  Persuading his or herself into thinking, "No he didn't just do that...My kid is just exaggerating...No, it really wasn't that bad...Things will be okay.  She really means well."  Really?

Let's go over last night, the night before, or maybe a month ago.  What happened?  What did your partner say and what did you do about an abusive episode, a screaming match, cheating, drinking, etc.?  How do you now feel since "it" occurred?  Have you talked about anything and come to any solution as of yet?  Should you and/or children even be around this person?

Cast aside your partner's explanation for whatever that bad something was, religious or secret group views, what parents and others say, what is the truth that you know?  Deep within you know something isn't or wasn't right, so why act as if all is okay and you and/or children will just get over it?

The mental sickness is spreading like wildfire when we sit back and reason away nasty, sinful, ugly, downright mean-spirited things.  You are headed toward a dangerous place in your mind and are recruiting future victims when you explain away or ignore ugly things.  Consider how many men and women are in jail on assault charges, others sentenced to life for murders committed, and the list goes on because someone kept allowing things to go on until one day there was no more denying evil.

People drink, do drugs, and act wild while sending their minds to places they thought they could never go.  They lie, cheat, use and abuse even when they aren't getting high.  They pretend as if everything is alright in the dark places of their minds, when they know they aren't mentally stable, yet family members and exes are supposedly the crazy ones!?  Unfortunate people connect with these delusional folks and end up taking their abuse.

Abuse is abuse and there is no denying and justifying despicable events whether in the past or presently ongoing.  Many guilt-ridden people are in churches across our land following a day, week or month long of craziness hoping to escape a righteous God's judgments, but to no avail, one reaps what he or she has sown. 

There is a harvest awaiting the believers who honestly want to live right and teach children well.  If you are one, then continue to fast and pray, your freedom will be here before you know it, embrace it!  But for others, use common sense, if it's wrong it's wrong, listen to truth, don't deny it!

Nicholl McGuire shares thought-provoking spiritual wisdom here.


Halloween Hate - Did You Feel Much Trial During the Month of October?

When many people raise hell for more money, power, fame, curses on enemies, etc. the negative energy comes by like a wind, causing much trouble in relationships and elsewhere.  Take a moment of silence for those who were sacrificed in October due to occult holiday celebrations.  Now take the time to think about yourself, how much sacrificing have you done already with time, money, and more just to make an emotionally and/or physically abusive partner happy?

Running around like a chicken with its head cut off, a woman or man who just wants to live a dream in an unhappy relationship will keep pressing forward anyway all the while creating more debt, responsibility (like pregnancy), making more investments, and carrying the whole family down a dark, destructive path.  Too stubborn, prideful, and angry within to admit, "I was wrong.  This partner wasn't what I had in mind.  I apologize Lord for not listening..." The poor woman or man keeps making more work for his or herself.  Churning one idea after the next to save a broken relationship.  Destiny is going to happen whether you like it or not i.e.) cheating, lying, fighting, police visits, choking, slapping, biting, name-calling, unemployment, bitter and rebellious offspring who repeat the patterns, separation, divorce, etc.  Pray all you want, but when wrong is wrong, it just is!

People who see the foolishness stop assisting controllers and victims who think they know, when they really don't.  Parents and grandparents stop being as generous and kind to the family.  Friends know not to come around two arguing fools.  Further, pets stare out doors and windows wishing to be anywhere but in the home.  The tension in the air is so thick, it cuts like a knife!  Children anticipate a future of peace and quiet even though they will have their share of demons they will have to contend with--thanks to verbally (or not-so verbally) emotionally and/or physically violent parents.

Victims mask the pain with a little holiday celebrating while the hate goes into darkness waiting for the next opportunity to show up.  "How about we do this with the children?  What about that?"  Far too many Christians turn away from God and look to idol worship to escape the pain within.  If they aren't worshipping mates, they are holiday celebrating hoping for someone or something to make them feel good in their labor intensive relationships.  Not only does a believer have a problem with his or her partner, but also with the God he or she serves. This due to the fact that the Creator has no fellowship with darkness and doesn't expect his children to support things having to do with darkness--no matter what spin one chooses to put on them.

Laboring to love an abuser is a problem, because once again there are warnings all around us, "Don't get involved with angry men and women."  But does the one who sold his or her soul to an unequally yoked union (and to Satan too), listen?

For the Christian the consequences are tough, but if you aren't one, then consider the negative vibe you are encouraging when you play with things that are still religious (you know Satanists have their holidays and Halloween is one of them), what might you be inviting to your home, one who doesn't believe in any God or gods? 

Between the ugliness with two people, who don't like one another much and all the children's glee surrounding them, at some point something is going to blow again and a conception, sacrifice, piece of candy, or smiles on children's faces won't prevent whatever "it" is from happening again.  Do something about relationship issues before something you might later regret happens. 

R.I.P. to the babies who were aborted this day and everyday. 

Nicholl McGuire


The Motivation to Rise Above Every Trial

You know you have to think beyond the scope of your situation.  You can't allow a negative man or woman to get the best of you.  If you were to stoop down to his or her level, you just might be the one abusing him or her or worse sending that individual to a place that he or she might never awake.  So you rise above fleshly desires.  You allow your spiritual self to take over and you ponder on your next move.  A short or long walk outdoors brings relief and safety, good music playing in earphones provides inner peace, silence and prayer heals, and a quality conversation with a kind friend helps ease the nerves.

If you are spiritual, you probably have God in the plan these days when it comes to dealing with an abusive mate.  You are praying, possibly fasting, and waiting on God to give you a sign, a blessing, or hoping for your abuser to leave.  I want you to know that He will move in His time.  He will see you through, but freedom doesn't come without sacrifice.  You have got to be strong enough to protect yourself and those you love from further abuse.  Did you catch that?  Too many men and women redefine an abusive relationship during temporal good times only to be disappointed once again during the next battle.  An abuser rarely changes.

I don't know what readers' situations are who visit this site, because it isn't wise to leave comments and other things when you know someone in the home is monitoring the websites you visit, but what you can do is continue to share your experiences with trusted friends and/or a professional counselor offline.  If you have a faith, you would also keep praying and talking to God while confessing sin and repenting. 

Abusers will drive you up the wall!  Your nerves are constantly on edge.  Sometimes you feel all alone especially if you have been with one for a long time.  You most likely have learned to isolate yourself, do as your told to keep the peace, while allowing a difficult partner to vent without saying much.  You or your abusers curses, threats, hits or shoves have taught you to minimize the arguing, fussing and fighting because these reactions don't do anything more than frustrate you, a partner and possibly those around you like children and elderly parents.

It is a miserable place to be in when you love someone who just doesn't know how to love back in healthy ways, but until you make up in your mind to break free from his or her programming and begin to live your best life now, the abusive man or woman will still feel the need to control you while you will continue to feel the need to stay.

You can rise above every trial by thinking positively about yourself.  Focusing on the good things that are happening in your life and what you hope to do in the future.  Thinking independently, without worrying over the abuser, and doing the kind of things that make a difference in your life.  Marriage vows means nothing to someone who doesn't love, but controls.  Promises are null and void to an easily angered, impatient man or woman.  A selfish partner is like a leopard he or she doesn't change his or her spots. 

Each step you make toward happiness will take you further and further away from the people, places and things that hurt inside.  Don't look for enablers and your abuser to validate your feelings or any decision you make that affects their power and control over you.  Reading good information to aid you in your situation(s) is the first step like what you are doing now.  But learn more.  For example,  if you know low self esteem is an issue, you would read about it (most victims don't think much of themselves, but are concerned about everyone else--they care far too much).  If you have money woes, you would learn how to better manage your money and so on.  Surrounding yourself around people who want the best that life has to offer is another step.  Saying "no" to an abuser from the smallest to the largest gives you strength, a great step that will cause you to think, "I don't have to do anything for him/her."  Bullies don't like when their targets stand up for themselves, keep doing it!  Fighting back gives you courage and provides an escape especially when police are called.  I'm alive today, because someone called the police.  Don't be put off by that--trust me it is a good thing, because it helps your case later if it should end up in court. 

If you feel like your abuser will hurt you for any and everything that you do apart from him or her and because you defend yourself, I urge you to create an exit plan; rather than cower like so many victims who end up asleep in their graves. 

Stop the excuse-making and don't let satanic influences including those that appear godly to keep you with an angry man or woman who steals your happiness, beats your mind and/or body down when the challenges arise, while ultimately destroying your spirit!  Your life is worth far more than appeasing a man or woman who could potentially kill you.  Seek counseling.  Check for assistance online by typing the abuse you are suffering, your city or state, and including the words "counseling," "women's group," "support," "housing" and other similar words.

May God be with you through this trial and others.

Nicholl McGuire provides spiritual encouragement, conviction and warning on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7. 


Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate Blogger Nicholl McGuire

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate is a blog that is maintained by Nicholl McGuire of Nicholl McGuire Media.  For years, this wife, mother and survivor has shared personal insight, stories, and media with readers curious about topics related to abuse or who are in toxic relationships.  If you are interested in partnering with this professional blogger, feel free to contact her at  Ad rates are affordable.  Nicholl appears at related events in Los Angeles County and is available to speak for a fee about domestic and dating violence and other related topics.

Some relationship and family books and blogs by Nicholl include:

Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men

Say Goodbye to Dad

When Mothers Cry

Laboring to Love Myself

NOTE:  The writings may be found on her blog: or you can find all links on anyone of Nicholl's latest YouTube pages in the description boxes.  Select a topic of interest here:

Thanks for stopping by and showing your support!

In Love, Like? Don't Be Deceived Again

Sometimes women have a short memory when it comes to dating or marrying their charming partners.  Before long, they recognize similar mannerisms, conversations, and behaviors like that of the controlling men they have been influenced by growing up or dating in the past.  "Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men" is for women who may need a reminder to keep watch for signs in current partners that they overlooked in their past bad relationships before they get too emotionally and physically involved with yet another manipulator.

Book available with free sample here.


On Identifying a Quality Domestic Violence Resource - Featured site

Continuing with informative resources and groups about dating and domestic violence, Nicholl shares tips on selecting a quality group based on website and other details.  She references Shepherd's Door Domestic Violence Resource Center in this audio.  This organization provides social services throughout Pasadena, Altadena, and the San Gabriel Valley.  Learn more by visiting website while Nicholl mentions it in this audio, click here.


October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - Featured site

Are you in an abusive relationship, just got out of one or was in one awhile ago?  Having been through or still going through a tough time doesn't mean you can't warn others about dating or domestic violence. 

Kicking off the domestic violence awareness month, Nicholl shares abuse statistics listed on which were gathered from a variety of sources mentioned in audio and available on the site. In this message, the survivor adds thoughtful commentary generating deep thought about relationship abuse.  Listen and ponder on the following information.  Enlighten a few.  Feel free to follow along by clicking on and this audio, Why Does it Matter? Violent Relationship Stats.  


The Sacrifices One Makes to be with Abusive Mate Who's a Different Ethnicity, Culture, Religion, Same Sex

One common denominator that all who have given up family tradition, religious beliefs, and more for their abusers is that they love their partners too much.

"I went against my dad's wishes for you...After all I did for you...I moved out of my country...My family shunned me because I wanted to be with you."

You or someone you know sacrificed a lot just to be with a partner who emotionally, sexually and/or physically abuses you or a friend.  But why stay?  Many victims have their reasons.  Sometimes there is no one and nothing else to turn to due to far too many sacrifices made.  Think about how much you have done so far for your partner. 

The abuser ultimately got his or her way, he or she might have wanted his or her partner isolated so that this person could have complete control of the relationship.  Everyone and everything that meant something to the victim was put on hold, distant, or cut off.  Independence is forbidden with possessive partners.  It all seemed okay during the early stage of the relationship. Yet, things change and now the victim is bitter, resentful, angry, and may even be depressed because he or she gave up his or her life to someone who he or she might have been warned about from the start.

"I don't know about this one, I don't trust him.  Something isn't right.  You sure you love her.  I would take things slow if I were you," advisers warned.

The name-calling and other insulting statements about one's ethnicity, culture, religion, or sexual preference are like daggers, they cut and then long after the arguments, they keep cutting.  One may have thought that someone they trusted and loved appreciated the skin he or she is in, his or her faith, and other personal interests, but when the discovery is made that the relationship was built on nothing more than an abuser's falsehoods and exaggerations, it can be devastating.  People lie all the time to get sex, money, homes, cars, power, control, babies, and more only to later change their minds, hearts and wallets.  It is actually a good thing when one exposes his or her pride, ignorance, jealous feelings, and racial views, it is then that the victim must do what he or she must to protect what little self-esteem still remains.

If you or someone you know has learned the truth about a lover's personal views, respect them even though he or she has repeatedly showed disrespect toward you.  The reason for your humble stance is quite simple, why continue to permit this person to irritate you to the point that you are swearing and fighting physically when you could have your freedom or job at stake, a child being impacted by the negativity and other issues?  Is defending yourself or retaliating getting anywhere?  Do something different for your own mental sanity. 

A person who doesn't like "those people...can't stand being around them...hate this and hate that..." doesn't want his or her mate acting or doing anything for his or her "kind" is someone who is prejudice/racist/sexist etc.  Heed the individual's warnings.  Sure they sound ugly, but he or she is communicating how one feels.  You have a right to listen or walk away. 

If you don't have children with this difficult person, avoid the tempting thoughts of pregnancy or adoption especially during those brief honeymoon periods.  Imagine what the future might be like for a child listening to troubled parents intensely arguing about one another's faith, skin tone, background, sexual preference, and more.  He or she would be torn between right and wrong, good and evil just because he or she doesn't want to disappoint argumentative parents in a unhealthy relationship.

Most likely, the abuser grew up in dysfunction; therefore, he or she will have no problem keeping the legacy going with anyone willing to put up with him or her.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and other books. 

On Re-Learning to Love Yourself

One of the biggest mistakes we make when getting involved with troubled people personally and/or professionally is that we choose to overlook the warning signs that tell us, "Something isn't right...This person is acting strangely, crazy...I should keep my distance." 

Some people will ignore the warning signs for reasons like, "Well, he doesn't look crazy...maybe it's me.  I guess she isn't so bad, she reminds me of..." and go ahead anyway with what appears to be a healthy connection until it turns into a mountain of dysfunction.  With every insult, anger outburst, and other negative emotions, one feeling within that starts to stand out more than others with some people is that of self-defeat.  The desire to win a great friendship, an argument, love, affection, a compliment, a gift, a ring, or anything else is no more.  Too tired, overwhelmed and bitter to keep trying, some so-called good men and women stray.  Before long, one is accepting whatever a user or abuser is giving in an effort to stay above water while doing a few things that boil the water too.

What do you think months or even years of appeasing someone, who doesn't genuinely love you or has no clue as to how to love, does to one's self esteem?  It breaks the individual down, makes him or her feel worthless.  So people like this begin to look for people, places and things to bring them comfort whether good, bad or otherwise.

You might have entered into a relationship with a difficult partner a whole person--confident and content with being you.  Yet, gradually your sense of well being started to break with your partner as the relationship grew older.  Once you are truly free from the unhealthy connection (not the temporary disconnection), work will be needed to rebuild your self esteem.  This is what so many victims don't realize before getting into yet another relationship, some time and space to heal is very necessary. It is important to complete you, make you priority once again and restore peace to your inner being.  There are many ways to do this, but the best way is to get rid of the baggage whether at home, work, church, and elsewhere.  Learn to say, "No."  Clean up your messes. 

People in challenging partnerships are so consumed by their dysfunctional mates that they forget about loving and caring for themselves from oftentimes.  Weight increases or decreases, bodily aches become more frequent, tempers are short, and other strange things occur in turbulent marriages and affairs.  In time, a love of self develops into hate especially when an individual begins to see the mess he or she has permitted in his or her life.

A healthy love of self begins when you are no longer around the people, places and things that remind you of how bad you are.  Recognize the fact that you are free to love and to live your life how you see fit.  It is okay to defend you, appreciate you, and above everything else protect you from the crazy-making people in your life.  If someone disagrees, question his or her mental stability.

Nicholl shares spiritual insight on YouTube and Spreaker


Emotional Abuse in Relationship will Influence the Way a Victim Behaves, Thinks

In my previous posting I shared a video of a 30 year abuser and there was much insightful information in that creatively done video.  But the thought came to mind after watching it, "Imagine how the woman felt or women that tried to stick it out with this guy...these ladies who thought that their efforts could change him."  As I've said before on this blog, isn't that what many people think when they enter into new relationships or remain in bad ones? 

Ladies and gentlemen: You can't change emotional abusers and physically violent men and women.  They have got to want to change and usually without their enablers and victims by their sides.

The newness wears off, the good times don't remain, the promises fall by the way-side, and the pain doesn't stay gone in poor marriages and relationships.  All the issues just linger on.  I remember feeling so frustrated in an emotionally abusive relationship (cheating, lying, arguing, secrets, etc.) to the point that I felt like on some days I was losing my mind.  I think the men who are socially sweet, yet privately cruel can be worse than the men who walk around with scowls on their faces often.  You are tricked into thinking that everything is okay when a gentleman smiles even though it was just last week, last month or last year that there were more than a couple of arguments that left you feeling like nothing was truly resolved. 

Victims manage their lives as best they can until the next battle and the next.  In my former relationship, it was those surprising discoveries that caught me off guard.  From the things he hid at work, in closets, bags, etc. to the comments about needing some time to himself and what he thought of me at times with a smirk, my stomach was frequently upset and my head hurt much from it all.  I would pray, attend church, meditate, talk to relatives and acquaintances, converse with him calmly, argue with him intensely, distract myself with children, and do what I could to express just how much the man's lying, secrets, exaggerations, etc. was getting to me, but to no avail.  Sometimes he would slow down with all his foolishness or stop for a time.  The hopeful feeling would arise within me (maybe he is changing), but then he would start right back up again acting sneaky. 

He enjoyed watching and talking to young girls and women a little too much to the point that one family member told me she was uncomfortable with the way he looked at her.  The player was overly concerned about the men I would talk to and questioned me, yet he felt it was okay to have female friends given his track record.  He expected us to look like the perfect family in public and dealt with us all strictly if we stressed him in any way which affected my nerves so I would be stressed as well especially if the children were out of line.  He acted meanly when I couldn't do what he wanted and had a short memory when it came to all the things I had already did for him.  When I needed something, he did the minimal, made excuses, or nothing at all.  Always careful to follow with a compliment or give a gentle rub. 

When the writing is on the wall, sometimes you dismiss it or tell yourself, "Don't make a big deal about it...don't act jealous."  Looking back, I wasn't nearly as jealous as I was worried that he was going to mess around and have a baby with one of his lovers or worse bring back an STD.  Sometimes I was concerned that one of our heated battles would become physical.  I had already went through one violent relationship, so the last thing I wanted was another. 

I knew when I was officially over the troubled man (no more make up, break up honeymoon stuff) was when I started saying to myself, "I don't care who wants him, I don't.  He isn't going to change...I stick it out with him and I might end up in jail."  So I made up in my mind to move on before I did something that I might later regret. 

I hope some readers were paying close attention to my past experience, because I can feel that someone is very close to making a decision that may cost you your life--choose personal freedom by walking out the door or getting the police to escort your mate out the door. 

What some, who have never been in dysfunctional relationships (so they say), don't realize is when a mate or lover keeps persuading you into believing in him or her that's what you do--it's difficult to break programming--it is not a sudden process. 

Victims caught in a web of deceit with a controlling person or a tricky charmer try hard to appease their mates when they can.  However, some critics overlook the crazy-making, the lies, the abuse, and everything else in their family members' relationships while thinking that victims will remain calm and cool with them as well.  Eventually, those relationships fall apart too.  A lot of time and energy is taken away from family and friends to do for controlling men and women.

If you are in a messy relationship, you are not going to be the happy-go-lucky nice, calm, sweet person you once were, expect mental, physical and bodily changes.  I lost weight to the point that a relative thought I was bulimic in that same miserable relationship.  I knew that I was reaching a point where I didn't want to ever do something where my ex could pull out the victim card on me despite my years of experiencing his dysfunctional ways. 

In a normal relationship, people can say things like, "We were both to blame and we both did things that caused one another many issues, but we are working on bettering ourselves and treating one another with respect."  However, this sort of logic and compromise doesn't happen in dysfunction.  It is usually one-sided, one is all in, ready to do what's right while the other is a mere actor so that he can maintain a comfortable lifestyle.  I think the more material wealth and children one has, the harder it is to break free.  The one thing I did do right in that past emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship was I didn't sign my name to anything with him or any other man.  Less is always better!

Stay calm and sane.

Thanks to all who support this blog, buy books, and share.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books. 
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.


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