Friday

Not Happy

Abusive partners rob you of your joy, prematurely age you, and make you feel like everything is wrong in your life even when it isn't.  You might find yourself overly critical of others, sensitive when someone says the slightest thing you don't agree with, and often carrying emotions that are downright mean.  This is what people feel like who remain with abusive partners.

If he or she is cheating, often lying, physically abusive, or frequently angry about people, places and things, a person in a relationship with an abuser is trying hard not to be a problem.  The victim is going to bend over backwards in everything he or she does just to make sure that the angry man or woman is not disturbed.  The victim knows that if his or her partner becomes upset, he or she will be like a dartboard suspended to a wall having to catch the darts of the mean one.  This is why certain relative's and friend's calls or visits might not be entertained because the emotionally unstable partner, with the hot-tempered man, feels like it is just too much to bear if these people should show up and bring their issues along with them.

Witnesses will see the victim running around, talking softly, and acting weak in their abusive partner's presence and might say things like, "Who does he/she think she is?  Don't do that for him/her?  Why do you act like that?  I should tell him/her not to treat you like this!  You aren't his slave!  What kind of relationship is this?"

To the one being abused, he or she doesn't see cheating, lying, or physical fighting as abusive.  The victim thinks, "All couples go through these things...it's not so bad."  But it is.  Not every couple hits, cheats, and does other mean things to one another. Being unhappy often in a relationship is not normal.  When you find yourself not looking forward to waking up each day much less seeing your partner's face, you are depressed and why are you?  Think about it.  When your life is centered on the children or a job while you ignore this person who you say you love, what is really going on?  Face the truth!  Stop telling yourself, "It's me...my hormones...my job...my kids..."  How about you are in a loveless relationship?  When all other issues have been addressed like the job and kids, and the elephant still sits in the room, guess what?  He or she is your problem!  Not elderly mom, the dog, or a lack of money--your wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend has issues that you can't solve!

For those of you who have a faith, what does God think about your relationship?  Ask him to show you the part you play in the relationship and why you feel the way you do.  There is a story that has yet to be told for many victims.  They see some things, but not others.  They accept some problems, but not others.  Your Creator will show you the full picture if you let him.  He will give you the wisdom you need to labor to love this person until you can't do it anymore.  Some of you reading this, have already arrived to that revelation.  Now all you need is a source of true happiness.   But joy, real joy doesn't come when you are sitting in mess.  When life is passing by and your mind and heart aren't at rest.  Let the Lord guide you to real joy in Him and not man!

Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

Crazy Lovers: Stalkers, Liars, Mental Cases

You made that mistake maybe once, twice, or more getting involved with someone who just can't seem to leave you alone.   For some of you reading this, you hide every morning from a mental case.  Others have to change phone numbers like underwear, just to keep this person from sabotaging your mental state of being.

If you haven't contacted the authorities you should, but if you are dealing with a mental case who is an authority, you might have to change your name, leave the country, and do other radical things for peace of mind and safety.  Unfortunately, we live in a world that doesn't always protect and serve as some of you know already. 

When dealing with those who "can't live without you...need you...think of you all the time..." be sure that the security team at the places you frequent have a photo of the person who is stalking you, making up stories, etc.  Also, be sure your family knows about this person too.  The last thing you want is to show up missing one day.  Be prepared for people to ask, "Well what did you do to cause...?"  As much as this question hurts, it isn't necessary to answer or give information in detail especially when you know you haven't done anything besides distance yourself from your crazed fan.

It is very easy for us to think of celebrities as having fanatics following them around wherever they go, but many of you might be like a star online or offline in the eyes of someone who can't get over that time when you complimented him or her, had sex, did something nice, etc.  Safe guard your data both on and offline.  Block this person from your social sites.  Save all correspondence from this person and voicemails.

You may also want to note your daily activities in a journal and also keep record of times and dates you see this person near you or in the area.  Be sure that those closest to you such as a boss, parent, friend, etc. can also identify this person as well.  Sometimes stalkers may not be able to catch up to their intended victims so they will start following the person who is closest to them.

When dealing with those, who tell false stories about you whether online or offline, report your concern to those who own businesses and request that information be removed.  Seek professional counsel on what more you might have to do to clear your name and restore your reputation.

Here are more suggestions on what you might want to do when dealing with the mentally challenged:

1.  Vary the time you leave and come home.  Be sure your community/property is well-lit.

2.  Purchase necessary security for your home.

3.  Don't ever follow after the stalker, because you don't know if this person is leading you into a trap.  Rather, contact someone or call law enforcement to assist.

4.  Avoid the temptation to meet with the person alone no matter what he or she promises.

5.  Don't pay this person off, because he or she will only come back to you requesting more money, gifts, etc.  If you should ever have a court case involving the stalker, your actions will be used against you.

6.  Record phone calls and if you see him or her in your area, visibly video this person.  Most will stop following you around when they know you are recording them.

7.  Take down license plate numbers.

8.  Have the person's phone number, email info. and whatever other device they are contacting you from blocked when possible.

9.  Don't provide details of your whereabouts, entertain discussions or do anything that could be misconstrued later with this person.

10.  Leave your family and friends out of confrontation.  Unless you want a possible civil war, keep the hot-heads at home.

What You Don't Know Might Kill You When Your Partner Acts Strangely

Having relationship woes?  Don't feel at peace about some things?  Many couples reach a place in their romance that they just don't know what to feel, say, or do concerning a mate that seems to have a lot on his or her mind and doesn't seem like the nice person he or she once was.  This person may even act strangely wrecking havoc on you spiritually, mentally or worse physically.

When you don't spend the time doing the following like:  reading about issues concerning your mate, interviewing him or her, talking to others about your challenges, praying, and of course having that self-talk, you will go along with just about anything this troubled person puts out.  Your mind will convince you that he or she is "okay, alright" until the next battle comes up.  Then you are left standing there trying to figure everything out all at once--bad time to problem solve with tears in your eyes and yelling.  If you are not ready to break up, then in the meantime you might want to at least plan for the next battle if you should decide to call it quits.

Living in a world that is blending the lines between good and evil daily doesn't make it any easier to find someone who has good moral character even if you should leave your mate.  It also doesn't mean that your mate will walk in this world un-touched by life challenges either.  Some women in long-term marriages are naive enough to believe that even their spouses will never change, but learn the hard way after blinders are taken off, that they are no different than younger women tolerating tempermental boyfriends and all that comes with them. 

Stress, sudden death, violence, sickness, poor diet, lack of exercise, listening to constant bad news, relocation, babies and children, negative associations, will change people.  Think about how much you have changed since the early days of dating your mate.  As much as we would like to persuade ourselves into thinking that mates are still those same people we fell in love with, that is most likely incorrect thinking.  We have to learn to adapt if we want to stay in relationships with people who are mentally and physically changing. 

If you are dating or in a relationship, use caution when you notice that your mate is taking on a different personality, routine, or seems strange.  In other words, don't be so quick to confront him or her on the changed behavior.  Never assume that everything is okay when you can clearly see that the man or woman standing in front of you has changed.

Maybe your partner's issues have nothing to do with you.  He or she may be going through the following:  hormonal issues due to the aging process, angered about something that happened at work, feeling guilty for something he or she has done, has money woes, or simply is growing weary of routine.  Sometimes even an often growling belly and a lack of sleep will make one miserable.  Is there frequent meals being made and he or she isn't eating them?  Could this person be staying up all hours of the night?  Two simple issues that could cause serious problems in a relationship must be addressed. 

Don't be so quick to believe that your relationship is over especially when children are involved.  Do take the time to communicate with your partner.  However, don't be so sure your mate feels comfortable sharing all the details of what might be wrong with him or her with you.  For some people, who have some emotional or physical issues, they don't want to share too much for fear that a mate might judge, end the relationship, bring up issues during a future argument, or tell others.

When you feel like your back is up against the wall with this person and you just don't know what to do, it is then that one who has a faith should use it and often.  Those who you might think can help you sort through your issues may give you little comfort and have no experience or understanding on what you might be going through.  Don't defend, argue, or make these people your enemy.  Just give them the pass, so to speak, and move on with your life.  Some people just aren't equipped to be the best advisers or friends.

Find your peace with your Savior for those of you who seem to be giving your Heavenly Father less attention these days, and your partner more.  Also, keep in mind, you know your situation better than anyone.  Although some advisers might mean well, don't readily believe that their advice is good, no matter what their title.  If you should find that your mate is acting abusive, then you know that you will only be setting yourself up for future issues that may lead to jail time or worse death.  So do plan your exit.  Start with saving, borrowing or obtaining more money.  Then pay attention to potential places to live.  Tour communities so that you will be motivated to move when the time comes.  And whatever you do, when you have made up in your mind that you can't tolerate being with this person, don't go back.  Most people who have left problematic relationships will tell you things usually don't get better, they get worse no matter how much the ex promises that "things will be different."  They usually go back to the way things were.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love and Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself and other books.  Feel free to stop by her channel on YouTube - nmenterprise7.

Thursday

Abusers Rarely Change

Some abusive people will claim that they are "better...different...and learned from my mistakes..." but unless they have had some kind of brainwashing therapy, they are still very much the same--the mean spirit is simply in hiding.

Take a moment to test people with abusive pasts who claim to have changed.  Ask them about people they like, music they listen to, and places they like to go.  Although strange to start a dialogue like this with an abuser, this small talk will put the individual at ease.  Before long, you will see a familiar personality show up, especially when you start talking about controversial subject matter.

As much as we all would like to think that anyone claiming to have a faith or is "in a different place now" has changed, the reality is this mean-spirited person is more likely to say or do something to trigger old emotions within us that will want nothing more than to protect us. 

You may find yourself arguing with the abuser, getting hysterical, or even worse wanting to cast revenge on him or her.  Doing these things might cause you to question whether you have changed. What is really going on with the spirit in and around this person that is tempting you to act out in ways that you would rather not?  Maybe there is more work to do within you, but don't beat yourself up about it.  When you feel strange feelings arising within you around an abusive person, it is always best to remove yourself from his or her presence, or if in your power, ask the abuser to leave your space.

Don't permit a past abusive boyfriend or girlfriend to persuade you back into any sort of relationship with him or her.  Further, don't take his or her warnings or speeches of forgiveness personally either like, "I thought you forgave me...or why don't you forgive me and you know what God says..."
Sometimes people use those Holy Scriptures of forgiveness as a way to manipulate an individual to come back to them.  For some abusers, personal drama is like a drug and they seek someone to give them their fix. When an abusive man or woman has spent most of his or her life on a roller-coaster ride, it is often very hard to get off of it.  Abusers need something or someone to keep them wild.

Do your best to stay free and if you're not, make every effort to break free (break programming) by seeking help and getting away from your abuser! 

Take control of your emotions and don't bother with the past unless you want it to dictate your future yet again!  As the older people like to say, "The devil is busy!"

 
 
Nicholl McGuire maintains other blogs including When Mothers Cry and Face Your Foe
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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