Monday

Messing with Your Mind: Your Partner's Little Game of Revenge

When a person who has witnessed his or her own parents abuse one another as well as others, they learn a thing or two about how to control people.  You may be in a relationship with someone who likes to nit-pick, talk about you to others, and find these little, as well as big, ways to pay you back when he or she doesn't like what you are doing in the relationship.

You aren't crazy to think that the man or woman you are living with has it in for you.  You feel a sinking feeling in your stomach when he or she comes around.  You feel like if you should  say something about your partner's actions or in-actions in the relationship or do something wrong, he or she will try to get even and make you feel as if you are the problem or crazy one.  Don't underestimate these people who have grew up with abusers--they are sensitive types always seeing what is wrong with everyone else, but themselves.

For example, let's say your mate is miserable about one issue or another.  Rather than just talk about it, like any normal person, he chooses to remain quiet about it.  You attempt to get him to talk about it by simply talking about yourself and the kind of challenges you have at times--all the while hoping he will open up.  Before long, you are the subject matter, being critiqued for this wrong or that one; instead of what is truly bothering him.  He chooses not to share his personal issues so as not to appear weak, and give you, so to speak, a stick to crack his head despite him taking information you have shared and cracking your head with it. 

Now what should have been simply a conversation between two individuals, ends up being a war!  You walk away from this confusing exchange feeling as if you need to watch your back.  You aren't crazy for feeling this way.  This is one of many ways controlling people try to maintain control.  They hide what makes them weak, attack what is strong, and when that doesn't work, they look for other opportunities because they "don't like how you make me feel."  If you are one for telling the truth about the things that negatively affect you to a controlling partner, he or she isn't going to want to hear the truth and will treat you rudely because of it.  They reason, "There is nothing wrong with me, it's her...it's him!" So now out comes the silent treatment, anger outbursts, and other negative behaviors to make you feel like you are crazy. 

It doesn't matter if you approached him or her with a smile on your face asking, "What's wrong?"  It doesn't matter if you bought this person gifts, when he or she has made up in his or her mind that you are unlikable for today, tomorrow, next week or a lifetime, all this person will see is your faults!

Since the last argument it may have seemed like things between you and your mate have died down, that is until you hear he or she has been sharing details about your relationship to others.  Then you notice your mate isn't being as helpful around the house as he or she once was. 

Your mate may have been offended because you said the wrong thing to her or him the other day; therefore, this person feels like he or she should pay you back by not doing what you ask.  Like a teen, your mate rebels.  You might feel like you are once again going crazy, seeing too much into things, that's what he or she wants you to believe.  Remember, this person wants you to believe you are the problem.

While you are noticing distance and the lack of appreciation with your mate, he or she may be nit-picking about whatever you do, because your mate thinks he or she has a right to comment whether he or she is knowledgeable enough or not about an issue.  Maybe this person doesn't like the way you manage the household, the children, or the finances.  Before the last argument, your mate may have seemed to be okay with everything.  But remember, this is what controlling people do, find faults then use them to make themselves look like the so-called "good" man or "good" woman.

Once again controlling people, abusive partners, and just people who are losing a few marbles due to the aging process, are going to do and say things to make you feel like you are going crazy.  When this happens, you can keep fighting through their accusations and confronting their lies while overall revealing hard-truths about them, or you can take the easy way out, and just create distance or end relationships with these type of people.  Why drive yourself crazy in a relationship like this? 

When you know you are doing the best you can, then by all means keep doing it, but also consider this, with all the stress, you may not be the best person to be around; therefore, it just gives this controlling person one more thing to criticize you about.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and When Mothers Cry

Thursday

Today is Your Day to Break Free from a Bad Relationship!

Your mind has told you to leave your abusive situation.  People around you keep reminding you of what you said about leaving your abusive partner, but when do you plan to do it?  The more you think about breaking it off, the more reasons you will find to stay with him or her.  "She's good with the kids...he makes good money...what will the children think?"  Concern yourself with those things after you leave.  This is the weekend for some of you that will set you on that path toward freedom!

You have been playing with the idea of leaving for years, but now is the time!  The extra money will be there for some of you, because you filed your income tax return early.  Don't let him, the children or relatives plan your money for you!  Take it and put it on a new place to stay.  Put some aside to finance your move.  Forget what you promised him or her you would do with the money, get away!  Somebody out there reading this, your life is at stake! 

The sooner you make up in your  mind that "This is it!" the better.  Now once you leave, what to expect?  An angry person who will try to find all sorts of ways to get you back.  You will have to remind yourself over and over again how his or her insults, hits, lies, and disrespect hurt you deeply.  Do you want to go back to that after you are called to be free?  Do you really want your children to see you at your worse all over again?  If you are concerned that he or she might do something bad to you or your family, then call the non-emergency line of your local police department.  Tell them what you are planning to and share with the listener your history and fears, then ask for assistance.  If the authorities in your town won't help, call those in the next town.  Refrain from listing excuses why you can't leave, once again if you do this, you will only make it harder and harder to break free!

Rally up support from your family and friends to help you move.  In this way, you will also have witnesses.  Be certain what date and time you will be leaving.  Don't back out when the time comes to move.  Be considerate when people are trying to help you, don't be like your abuser!

You have gone through a lot these past years.  You have listened to false promises and most likely, that is why you stuck around for so long.  Your inaction in this relationship has caused a reaction, sometimes negative, from well-meaning family and friends.  It's not your fault that things got so bad!  People who have years of experience taking advantage of others just know how to manipulate people very well.  They believe that the more they talk, the more others will do what they say.  Your abuser will do a lot of talking once you are gone!

Your former partner (get use to saying that) will try to play with your emotions promising once again to do better.  He or she will call you repeatedly on your cell phone, so get the number changed.  Also, alert security on your job and talk to your boss in case he or she tries to contact you there.  This person may also hold your mail hostage, so have it stopped.  The abuser may bad-mouth you to others.  He or she may also try to take his or her anger out on your belongings, so try to get everything out that you truly care about.  Don't leave no stone uncovered when you start getting yourself out of that residence you share with this person.  Enlist some help if need be.  Don't startle the children with a lot of tears and yelling.  Keep them occupied with toys, meals, and if there is a place they can go, while you pack, drop them off there.  You really need to get moving quickly and the last thing you need is a crying child bothering you every time you do something.

Freedom begins in your mind first!  You must envision yourself to be FREE of a bad relationship that is holding you captive.  Next, in order to truly experience real lasting freedom which includes: peace, wisdom, prosperity, love and much, much more, you must be willing to break free from your abuser physically--that means no sex, kissing or cuddling.  Lastly, once you are free from the idea of having a good relationship with this person, you will want to work long and hard on freeing your spirit emotionally and physically from him or her, so that you won't be abusive to others.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Tuesday

Grateful to Be Out of a Relationship Because...

One day while surfing the web, I came across a forum where people were talking about, what was one thing they didn't miss about being in a relationship anymore?  I was expecting to read comments like, "I don't have to listen to his snoring...don't have to visit her relatives anymore..." you know simple things like that.  However, I read things like, "I don't have to take her physical and mental abuse...The beatings."  What!?  I thought, some people in this forum are fresh out of relationships that had been causing them so much mental and physical suffering.  Just think, you are grateful to be out of a relationship because you don't have to worry over getting hit on the head, shoved, spit on, kicked, or cursed out in front of people.  But I also thought, "How much damage have these people suffered and will they be abusing the next person they get involved with?  Have they sought any help?"

Some of you who are in relationships who have simple issues, don't know or truly understand what it feels like to be in a relationship filled with drama.   While some of you can't wait to get home to be with your partner, there are those men and women who resent going home.  Many couples are walking on eggshells.  They don't know from one day to the next what to expect.  "Will he act like a fool and lose it if I tell him something?  Will she start crying and hitting me if I tell her I don't want to be with her any longer?"

So many of us make decisions in our lives that leave us feeling hurt, confused, and abused.  We wish that things would be different, but the more we wish, the more things stay the same or get worse!  There are those of you who are in relationships right now that are wearing on your nerves.  You said that this would be the year that you would end the relationship.  Some of you are making plans now to prepare to end the relationship the following year.  Will you make it until then with your mind still intact?  Promise yourself you will get out of your dead-end relationship before suicidal thoughts, depression, anger, resentment, guilt and more get the best of you!

Maybe one day you will be one of those people who can sit down in the quiet of your home, free of a difficult partner, and just say, "I am so grateful to be out of this relationship because..." you fill in the blank.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love Myself on Amazon.com

Thursday

On Again Off Again Sex: Whose Holding You Hostage?

You think there is no harm being done in a relationship when you deliberately make up in your mind you don't want to have any intimacy with your partner?  Maybe he or she made you angry days even weeks ago, but if you keep playing with fire, you will get burned.  However, what if you are the one who isn't playing games with sex.  You actually enjoy it, but want more.  Maybe your partner is the one using sex to control you.  If so, this is an abusive tactic that must be stopped.

The more society preaches sex the more society is lacking sex.  The human spirit loses interest in anything that is constantly being preached, taught, marketed, sold, or simply discussed.  For those powers that be, whether in your home or out of it, they are glad one is tired of hearing and seeing sexual symbols, because if you are, you won't be having sex and if you aren't having sex you aren't making any babies or more of them.

You know a relationship is headed for ruin when normal, healthy couples choose long hours on the Internet and in front of the TV over having sex.  Something is wrong on top of or under the sheets when one or both is seeking an escape from being intimate and/or sexual.

We all know true intimacy starts before one takes his or her clothes off.  Hand holding, a kiss, a hug, or something else has to happen to influence the start of a positive sexual experience.  Without the thought-provoking stimuli, sex just isn't good emotionally and/or physically especially for a woman who wants to be truly loved by a man.

Now some people choose to play the on again off again sex game.  It goes like something this.  He got sex yesterday, because he was good, but no sex today because he was bad.  Couples in situations like this feel like they are going crazy.  A partner may treat his woman like a rose today because she gave him sex, but then treat her like a thorn afterward.

Then some couples wonder why all the fussing and fighting?  Do you see emotionally what teasing a man or woman about sex can do?  Do you realize that when you give, then withhold, give, then withhold you are playing games with a person's mind? 

The angry partner may be feeling guilty that he or she let her guard down once again to have sex with his or her mate and may be grappling with real emotions about what he or she has done.  A voice in this person's head may sound like this, "Why did you do it?  You know she is only going to upset you again.  You always fall for his crap.  Don't give him sex next time.  You are so stupid!"  Meanwhile, the unsuspecting partner really enjoyed sex this time around, yet unresolved fears, resentments or simply a bad past may keep he or she connecting.  The same holds true for the abuser as well.  The abuser, for purposes of this writing, is the one who withholds sex for all sorts of ridiculous reasons from his or her partner.

In a relationship such as this, the best thing to do is refrain from being intimate until you both know where you stand in the relationship.  It will take a lot of will power, but you must do it, if you do want to be the abuser or the victim.

How long do you think a person will stay with someone who keeps acting interested in having sex on one day of the week, then not interested the next, and so on?  Eventually, someone will come along in his or her life willing to give more than just on again, off again romance.  Then that's when the one doing the abusing will cry, "But I love you...I will do better, I promise." Unless the mentally handicapped seek professional help, nothing will change.  That's right, there are some mental issues that need to be dealt with and they can't be dealt with in an abusive relationship where the abuser is allowed to wield such power.  Chances are the abuser learned about using the absence of sex in a relationship as a weapon in a previous relationship or noticed this pattern of behavior growing up between mom and dad.

Don't allow anyone to use sex to control you!  Get out of this kind of relationship as soon as you can before you start justifying your partner's behavior as normal or worse cheating on him or her which is another case of abuse (read more by clicking links on this site related to cheating.)  Sex was never meant to be something rationed out like candy.  Learn more about what it means to love someone in the Holy Bible I Corinthians 13. 

Once your mate has gotten the help he or she needs, and you both have come to terms with the relationship (ie. such as abstaining from sex due to a health concern or spiritual reasons,) or simply got a serious wake-up call, try starting over; otherwise call it quits.

Nicholl McGuire

For more work by this writer, go here.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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