Friday

How Some Women Avoid Becoming Emotionally and Physically Abused Victims Early on When Dating

What do you think is one of the reasons why some women avoid being abused while others walk right into it? We all have our share of baggage and for some of us when we don't want to face it, drop it off, or carry it, we pretend as if it doesn't exist. We walk blindly into situations all-trusting without a Father who is all-knowing.  

We can be so gullible at times, loving people far too much, and a fool guided by our senses rather than our spirit.  No matter what people say, we cry out, "I never said...I never did...I never heard...I never saw...I would never...!" you may have forgotten the warning, "Never say never!"  

Sometimes on and off day you do things that get you or someone else into trouble whether it is a piece of advice that goes wrong or feet that end up somewhere they shouldn't be.

Read the following fictional example of a classic girl meets boy scenario started via the Internet. 

"I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday. We were both scrolling through our Facebook feeds when we came across each other's profiles. He was so good-looking! We started talking and hit it off right away. We talked for hours on end, sharing every detail of our lives with each other.

It was all going so well, until one day he asked to meet up in person. I was hesitant at first, but he assured me that he was the real deal and that I could trust him. So, I agreed to meet him one weekend.

I was so excited to finally meet the man of my dreams, but when I saw him standing there in front of me, I knew something was wrong. He looked different than he did online and he wasn't anything like I had imagined. We went out for dinner, but it was so awkward and uncomfortable. I could tell that he was only interested in me because he wanted something from me.

The next day, he called me and asked if I wanted to come over to his place. I knew it was a bad idea, but I went anyway. When I got there, I found out after studying his environment and noticing items that clearly belonged to a woman or several women that this man has issues, lots of them!  I never asked him about the items because he said that he had been living alone for years and he didn't have any family visiting for quite sometime and he wasn't seeing anyone. After the short time I had been at his place, I made up an excuse that I had to go due to a family emergency.  I had one alright, to tell them that I met yet another loser! It was confirmed later that he was a known player and the longest relationship he had was back in high school. We were both in our thirties!"

This is how many women get away from the start--they don't ignore their conscience, gut-feeling, or God! Sure, singles are tempted, and some may not have spent much time learning about their potential partners before meeting online, but the takeaway is she got away!  However, as we all know, many victims do not get away and remain in emotionally and physically abusive relationships for their lifetimes!

The key to getting away is to cause your mind to go back to the time "you should have, could of..." it doesn't matter how long you have been with your current spouse or partner. Now make those thoughts available in your present situation.  What could you do now to move on with your life? Think, "I can...I am..."  Take baby steps toward what will make you most happy since for some of you readers, you have more days behind you than in front of you! 

Not that long ago, you may have slept or had sex with your abuser, you don't continue to do it if you sincerely want to be free! Years ago, for some of you readers, you rushed about doing so many things with the abuser from planning vacations to caring for children hoping the pain would just go away. You talked much about who you are and what you wanted to do, you don't do it now. Back then, you were in a rush to tell everyone all about him, you don't do it now unless you are concerned about your safety. Years ago, you were charmed by his appearance, his words, the way he smelled, or how he sounded. Now you could care less about any of those things! This time study your partner beyond a clean appearance. Do you see eyes of an old washed-up man angry at the world? Who is he really--what is your spirit telling you about this person. A little boy trapped in a man's body--stubborn, mean, bitter and can still push you up against a wall and curse you? A person who doesn't like his self? Yet, he can tell you how ugly, evil, mean or difficult you are.  

What you did back then when you (or someone else) met their abuser was play a rescuer. Someone who showed up in the toxic person's life to save him and vice versa. The abuser expected you to save him from the evil he caused so many who came before you. In turn, you too wanted to be saved because of whatever life challenges you were plagued with at the time you both came into one another's lives.

The woman in the previous example observed what she saw in that man early on. She believed her intuition was correct, and took action for herself. She didn't dismiss what she felt or pretended as if everything was cool. She didn't talk herself into believe that she was overreacting. The red flags were there and she didn't ignore them!

Why ask an abuser any questions when you know a person is capable of telling a version that they think you will buy into? Why ask a question when it has already been answered in your gut? The woman knew it was a bad idea to go to his place from the start. Being at his home confirmed her feelings. Sometimes it takes a victim to continually be disappointed by what she has learned until she finally wakes up and says, "Not anymore."

So here's what to do once you finally get away from someone who is toxic.

1) Spend time alone. No more dating until you know what process you have in place on vetting your future long-term partner.

2) Never ignore, dismiss, or make excuses for behaviors and actions that you know are dead wrong!

3) Listen more than talk, a date doesn't need to know everything about you. Abusive people will use what they have learned and punish you later.

4) Allow the Lord (your Creator) to guide you in finding a partner. This comes with much study, prayer ad fasting on righteous living and godly expectations.

5) Seek a counselor for any past trauma you have suffered and how to manage your temperament when challenged.

6) Guard yourself from toxic people online no matter the social networking site. Pay careful attention to what they say in comment sections not just what they post publicly in a feed. Check out their friends and read what they say in the comments.

7) Alert family and friends about people you plan to meet in-person. 

8) Research the area that they live. 

9) Run a background check before agreeing to meet them privately.

10) Visit a doctor's office together for an annual check up.  Ask to see any recent medical records if you plan on having unprotected sex.

God bless those who got away from toxic people and God bless those people with courage who have decided to get away too!

Nicholl McGuire is the manager and contributor of this blog.  She is also the author of Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Say Goodbye to Dad, and Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

Thursday

Ready to Leave Your Abuser? Tired of being a Victim?

I was in a relationship with a charming man. I thought he was wonderful at first, but it didn't take long for the abuse to start. The first time he hit me, I was completely shocked. I couldn't believe that the man I loved could be capable of something like that. It wasn't long before the abuse became a regular occurrence. He would cheat on me and then use that as an excuse to hit me or scream at me. I was always unhappy and constantly experienced health related challenges. I didn't feel like being intimate with him, but he didn't care. He only wanted what he could get from me financially, sexually, and emotionally. He took advantage of my generosity and kindness. I eventually left him, but the experience has left me scarred for life.

Does that sound familiar?

However, the last part about “leaving” doesn’t apply to millions of people who are still in abusive relationships. As for the scars, they are like those that appear on the skin, some heal and others remain to be seen.

What will it take for someone to leave a miserable relationship? Putting aside all of the reasons for staying, let’s brainstorm on all of the reasons for letting go.

1. You deserve to be treated with respect.

2. Abuse is never okay.

3. The abuse will only get worse over time.

4. Abusers often apologize and promise not to do it again, but they always do.

5. Leaving will empower you and make you feel stronger.

6. You can't change or fix the abuser - they have to want to change themselves.

7. The abuse is not your fault - you did not cause it, nor are you responsible for it.

8. Children who witness abuse are negatively affected - they need a safe home without violence.

9. You have a right to be safe in your own home.

10. The abuse is likely to continue even after you leave - consider this: many have died by the hands of abusive partners, why give yours that kind of power?

Leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult, but it is important to do what is best for you and your safety. If you have children, it is especially important to relocate because you don't want them to see or experience the abuse. Make a safety plan before you move. This includes deciding where you will go and how you will get there. You can also create a code word or signal with your children so they know when to run and get help. If you have pets, it is also important to leave because the abuser may hurt them as well. Make arrangements for them before you go. You can find a friend or family member to take them in, or contact a local animal shelter.

There are a few things you can do to make leaving an abusive relationship easier. First, make a plan. Decide where you will go and how you will get there. If you have children, make sure they are ready and know what to do if things go wrong. Second, gather your belongings. Consider moving them out slowly and storing your most essential valuables elsewhere. You don't want the abuser to be able to take anything from you. Finally, tell someone about the abuse. This can be difficult, but it is important so that they can help you stay safe. 

If you are ready to leave an abusive relationship, here are some tips for doing so: 

1) Plan what you will say ahead of time. You don't want the abuser to know that you are planning to leave.

2) Make a list of your belongings and take them with you when you leave.

3) Have a safe place to go – somewhere the abuser won't be able to find you.

4) Tell someone about the abuse – a friend, family member, or therapist – so that they can help keep you safe.

5) Get support from organizations like Safe Horizon or The National Domestic Violence Hotline.

It is important to remember that leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, but it is worth it. You deserve to be happy and safe in your own life!



Wednesday

Abusive Partner Giving Signs to End Relationship - Are You Ready to Let Go?

The conversations are becoming increasingly difficult to have with an abusive partner. It is clear that you want to end the relationship or maybe he or she wants to but someone isn’t letting go. 

Do not take periodic gestures of kindness or a pleasant moment as signs an abuser or yourself want to stay. Abuse is occurring in the relationship and the longer you stay, the more emotionally and physically damaging it will be to your mind, body and spirit. The following signs are evident that a partner no longer wants to be in a relationship.

1. Your partner no longer wants to spend time with you.

If your partner starts making excuses not to spend time with you, it's a sign that they may be considering on breaking up with you. If they used to be all over you and now they can't even stand to be in the same room as you, it's a bad sign.

2. Your partner is suddenly very critical of you.

If your partner suddenly starts nitpicking everything you do and pointing out all of your flaws, it's a sign that they're no longer happy in the relationship. This may be their way of trying to justify breaking up with you.

3. Your partner doesn't want to talk about the future.

If your partner starts avoiding conversations about the future, it's a sign that they're not sure they want to be with you long-term. If they used to talk about your future together and now they don't even want to discuss it, it's time to start worrying.

4. Your partner is cheating on you.

If your partner is suddenly being secretive and spending more time away from you, it's possible that they're cheating on you. This is a huge sign that the relationship is over and you should get out as soon as possible.

5. Your partner breaks up with you.

If your partner actually breaks up with you, then it's pretty clear that they don't want to be in a committed relationship with you anymore. This is the most definitive sign that it's time to move on.

The screaming matches, kicking, fighting, 
shoving, name-calling, silent treatment, withdrawal of sex, financial and/or spiritual abuse most likely has increased because he or she is handling the break up like a child. The abusive partner wants out and doesn’t know how to communicate or agree that’s what’s best for the both of you. Therefore, either he or she resorts to fights. Plan your next moves before one of you all end up in the hospital, jail, or worse at the cemetery.

Thursday

Why Do Domestic Violence Victims Stay with Abusers

One of the most puzzling aspects of domestic violence is why victims stay with their abusers. There are many factors that can contribute to this decision, including emotional attachment, financial dependency, and fear of retaliation. Unfortunately, domestic violence often escalates over time, making it even more difficult for victims to leave. In some cases, victims may have been raised in a household where domestic violence was accepted as a normal part of life. As a result, they may not realize that there are other options available to them. In other cases, victims may be afraid that leaving the relationship will result in further violence. They may also believe that they can change their abuser's behavior if they just try hard enough. 

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Have you (or your loved one) been emotionally or physically abused in the past? 
  • How did you or others respond to the abuse? 
  • Are you fearful of what might happen if you (or they leave)?
  • Do you reason that the name-calling, shoving, spitting, kicking, punching, cheating or any other abusive act is okay and will never happen again?
  • Do you believe that abusive behavior is acceptable?
  • Despite everything that you have experienced or witnessed, do you still find yourself saying, "But he loves...It won't happen again." How do people respond to you (or they) when that is said?
  • What is the difference between love and control in relationships?  Look that up.

While it is ultimately up to each individual to decide whether to stay or leave an abusive relationship, it is important to remember that there are many resources available to help you or the domestic violence victim escape an abusive situation and rebuild one's life. Don't be afraid to reach out for help.

Start here: Office on Women's Health and Domestic Violence Services, Inc. resources for men.

Wednesday

We Didn't Forget When Relatives and Friends Were Used and Abused

They didn't want us to remind them of what we saw growing up.  They pretended as if things hadn't happened.  They changed the subject, acted busy, or walked away.  Some of them stopped talking to us and got other relatives to distance themselves from us.  The truth hurt and it still hurts for many!  We were there when their parents and grandparents did their dirt or we heard about it.  We were told to keep our mouths shut, to pretend as if nothing happened, and to "mind your business!"

When I grew older, and I got opportunities to talk with family members and friends, who had witnessed and/or experienced their share of abuses, they didn't hesitate to come clean after certain people had passed away.  They knew they had been gaslighted and threatened into submission.  They reasoned it was best that people didn't know about their loved ones being hurt by favorite relatives.  However, I wasn't one for letting it all just wash away especially when some people were still being used and abused!

The younger generation must know and in some cases the police needed to know.  What was going on in darkness for some kinfolk, came out into the light!  It was a divine occurrence for some of us to be used by the almighty God to sound the alarm on family abuse.  We needed to do what needed to be done, expose the abusers both dead and alive!  

The generational lies, secrets and coverups concerning screaming matches, physical violence, adultery, molestation, stealing, and more didn't have to keep going on!  If certain relatives truly knew about other relatives, they would not subject their own children and/or grandchildren to more abuses!  The truth-seekers and tellers in the family uncovered who had been raped, who had been beaten by a spouse, who had an addiction, who had been in jail, who wasn't someone's child, and on and on.  I wrote Genealogy X to help family and the general public uncover their personal family histories.

There were financial, emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual abuses that were generations deep!  Some family members thought that it was just their family that had their share of pain.  Others had assumed that beloved relatives were being treated special, but they were really being abused.  We falsely assumed that because some kinfolk had good jobs, nice homes, and what appeared to be a close-knit family that they were okay, but that was far from the truth!

As I write, I think of some of my younger relatives who have been fed narratives that are totally false about some of us and our situations involving parents and grandparents for fear that one day we might meet.  Their strategy was to make their own children oblivious to the facts so that they wouldn't believe anything we had to say when we finally got a chance to talk. 

I had been ill-informed about a number of relatives because other kin had their own personal grievances about my family members.  The twists and turns of how some abusive relatives wanted their truth to be portrayed would at times drown out the real truth!  No matter what some of these liars came up with, what they didn't know, was I didn't forget.  I held on to what I saw and heard no matter what threats were made against me!

You have to be passionate about the truth and rise above the hurt if you truly want to be free!  You have to be the one that is determined to stand even when everyone else chooses to sit.  You can't be suffocated by so many so-called "good" memories that others share with you that you can't recall what happened to you.  It's unsafe to forget and foolish to hang in the presence of someone abusive!

Being that so many kinfolks had explosive temperaments around me, I learned to just do what I was told when I was young, but when I got older, I questioned what they were doing and saying and got into my share of trouble because of it.  Even though, I learned what not to say or do around certain relatives, I still held on to what I knew and that was I didn't want anything to do with these people.  There was something wrong with some of their minds.  They were not, dare we say it, normal.  

What was strange was for some of us, we ended up in the arms of what was familiar.  We didn't feel normal around normal folks.  We felt comfortable around the users and abusers--too comfortable; therefore, we fell victim to them later in life.  I recall how I saw something in the way that some of the men I dated behaved that made me feel at home.  I would learn the hard way that what drew me to them was familiarity not necessarily common interests and appeal.  The "familiar" or "you remind me of..." almost cost me my life with one man.

The same behaviors that we had grown accustomed to growing up, have a way of showing up in our relationships and friendships with others.  It is up to us to recognize abuse for what it is, it hurts, manipulates, lies, cheats, steals, beats you over the head with a bible, chases you like a dog in heat for sex, and so on.  Abuse is evil and it is there to destroy you!

We remember and we don't let abusers forget!

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and the author of Say Goodbye to Dad, She's Crazy, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men and Tell Me Mother You're Sorry

 

Saturday

Journal Your Way to Healing with Founder of Domestic Violence Resource Center

You heard people journal in order to bring about peace of mind, healing, coordinate their vision, re-charge, find a way to cope in the meantime, and more!  Are you journaling?  If not, you may want to start, so many people feel uplifted, focused and ready to begin their lives anew when they journal!  

Shepherd's Door, a resource center for victims of domestic violence, founder, Linda Offray says, "I have been journaling for 20 years."  She goes on, "I started journaling when I completed ministry school and began to work in ministry.  The Spirit of God begin to show me so much through visions and dreams.  So I began to write down what the spirit spoke to me.  It didn't matter what time of the day, I would just grab something and start writing.  I wanted to keep a record of what God was showing me as well as speaking to me."  She adds that she always knew what she was receiving was meaningful.  "So when my life manifested good or bad, I would go back to my many journals and there it was God!  He would have already showed me or spoke to my spirit.  So my journals are full of God's manifestations."

The wife and mother says, "I journal my ideas, how my day went, if I was upset about something, goals, marriage, when I was child, etc.  For me, journaling is healing and liberating.  It set me free when I started writing and I feel a release afterward."

When it comes to affirmations, Linda shares, "I believe words have power!  Therefore, I speak positive affirmations and many things in my life has been manifested.  I feel anything you constantly say you become.  So I teach it is very important that your words are life, prosperity, love, healing, joy, success, etc.  This is my first journal and I am proud to share it with others!  Enjoy writing your affirmations and anything that resonates with you!  Write your thoughts!  Use it in whatever way you choose, I think you won't go wrong!"

Feel free to purchase this creative journal at Amazon.com by clicking the link below: 

Get your copy today!

My Affirmation Journal
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.