On Lying: A Secret that Many Victims, Abusers Don't Want You to Know

They lie about money, where they go, who they talk to, and more.  Victims have learned to play a game of sorts on their abusers since they too are often lying.  There is no way you can stay with an abusive man or woman and not tell some lies.  They force your back up against the wall with their accusations, yelling, passive aggressive demeanor, and other ugly things they do.  So you aren't always forthcoming with the truth.  You say things to angry abusive people like, "I don't remember...I don't know what you're talking about...I didn't talk with anyone today...I don't know him...her."  Meanwhile, a victim knows full well he or she is telling yet another lie, but would you tell the truth if you knew someone had much power over you?

From controlling money to transportation, an abuser knows that in order to keep his or her partner close there has to be a long list of do's and don'ts otherwise he or she will lose the upper-hand in the relationship.  Abusive men and women also don't want their victims to realize they are being manipulated into staying with them, so they have to make them feel at ease at some point.  Even the abuser knows he or she isn't keeping a victim close if he or she is often feeling upset.  So out comes the power of persuasion with many excuses as to why abuse is acceptable.  The abuser is going to do the following to get his or her victim to behave and not bring any attention to one’s evil ways, here’s how: 

-          Convince the victim that others are at fault including the victim for the angry outburst.

-          Ask the victim to be understanding about the stressful job that is keeping one on edge.

-          Make the victim stop asking for things; it’s just too many bills to pay.

-          Tell the victim it’s his/her fault for the misbehaving or crying children.  

-          Make her/him keep the nosey or controlling parents, in-laws asking questions away.

-          Shut the victim down on all requests or demands, because the abuser has better things to do.

-          Use the substance abuse excuse—a common go-to when the abuser is out of control.

-          Quiet the busybody neighbors and don’t invite them to come over.

Photo by Nina Strehl on Unsplash

The manipulative, often angry partner goes into hiding when outsiders get close.  The key is to shake the abuser up a bit so that those who are doubtful can see him or her out of control.  Break the rules above in the presence of people who can help and watch that abuser squirm!  But don’t go back home with him or her or else you will be punished!   

When the manipulative programming works well on the victim, he or she lies to his or herself telling one that what is experienced has little to do with her overbearing partner.  She becomes a spokesperson defending his or her abuser and to be frank, the victim looks stupid doing it.  This is why the abuser calls him or her “dumb, stupid” because he or she knows exactly what is being done and so too do watchful family members and friends.  You don’t like to be belittled, then do something about it, they say!  Yet, the victim, too fearful to stand up for herself and too worried about what others think, she remains quiet and takes whatever the abuser is dishing out!

Sometimes abusers realize they are being lied to by their partners but they don't care much as long as their needs are being met.  Besides they know they are doing their share of dirt out of view of their mates.  However, the illusion for the abuser is to appear like he or she is a committed righteous man or woman, caring much about his or her family, and a great team player at work.  This kind of public brainwashing is put upon the victim to behave similarly. The victim continues to deny his or her suspicions that one’s partner is cheating, stealing and lying.  He or she hides how the abuser is truly treating her or him behind closed doors, "Everything is good.  All is okay.  The kids are fine," the lying victim says.  After comments like these are made repeatedly, the one who labors to love his or her abusive mate redirects the conversation back to the one doing the questioning.  A victim is never to reveal his or her troubled relationship no matter how long or how wrong.

There is freedom for those who break abusive programming and refuse to no longer cover up, lie, blame, or deny what is really occurring in their personal lives.  This is why so many men and women in bad relationships eventually reveal just how messed up they and partners are.  They grow weary of keeping up fronts.  They get tired of trying to make something work that keeps warning them over and over again that what once was is no more.  The lying begins to fade away and personal truths come into the forefront.

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of many books such as Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.

Apartment Shopping, Leasing, Rental Tips: Helpful List of What You Don't Need the Next Time ...

On Moving....

Apartment Shopping, Leasing, Rental Tips: Helpful List of What You Don't Need the Next Time ...: What you don't need is another headache, backache, and a pending heart attack when you look at all the stuff you have to move and that m...

Power and Control Wheel, Safety Plan & Spiritual Uplift

Used and Abused Again - controlled victims

Frequent Unsettling Feelings - Relationship is Headed for a Break Up, Divorce

You may have prayed a short time ago or a long time ago, "God send me the right man or woman."  So Satan sent you his best, what happened?  Sometimes we falsely assume that the person near or far is Mr. or Ms. Right.  You can be in a relationship right now wishing that someone else might save you and that person isn't the one for you and neither is the one you are with!

There is an unsettling feeling that you just can't shake about a person when you get God or Satan involved.  Satan is going to charm you into another twisted version of "forgive and forget" while you take another hit, insult, or some other offense.  God is going to use people, places and things to signal alarm bells, "Get out while you still can!"

A mixture of worry, fear, or wonder when an abuser might go off is all a victim ever thinks about.  So he or she finds ways to keep the peace until the next time.  A victim walks around trying hard to act similar to a child who is on his or her best behavior in hopes of getting some kind of reward.  "Wasn't I good today Daddy, Mommy?"  So the reward is a partner's listening ear, maybe a gift, an act of service, or a compliment.

"Goody, goody!" the victim is overjoyed to finally be back in her abusive partner's good graces.  A spouse or lover isn't a parent, but when one is still very much concerned with appeasing him or her, the victim might find his or herself going back to a child-like state of mind especially if one had been emotionally, physically or sexually abused as a child.

So the punishment shows up when a victim least expects it and the abuser feels justified in disrespecting a victim once again, what to do?  Consider the following if the victim is you:

1) Don't ignore the anger, worry or stress you feel.  Your unsettling emotions are there to push you toward safety.  They are healthy and normal emotions designed to alert you of the danger ahead.

2)  As long as you do nothing with those emotions, they worsen and begin to affect your health.

3)  Others notice you are easily irritated, scared, or difficult to be around and so they will begin to create distance from you.  Who wants to be around a nervous wreck who often talks like this:  "I don't want him to be mad...He doesn't like it when I...I'm so sorry, I really need to...or else he might...?

4)  You will experience mood swings with the abuser and may even act abusive too!  "Leave me alone!  What the...I hate it when...!  You are such a a$$h0le!"  Meanwhile, things are knocked over, children are screaming, and pets are running.

5)  They unsettling feeling will gradually go away once you have found a safe and peaceful setting free of the abuser's emotional and/or physical abuse.

Say a new prayer, not one about the relationship or a new partner, but one of solace, safety and a plan for a better future!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues, Laboring to Love Myself, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.  

Emotionless, Secretive and Dishonest - A Different Kind of Abuser

On this blog we discussed the emotional abuser, he or she is uncaring about one's partner's feelings.  However, I will share a bit more about the type of cold-blooded individual who has all three traits: emotionless, secretive and dishonest.

You don't suspect this person to be this way when you first start getting to know him or her.  You overlook him or her being stiff or a bore at first because your date is seemingly interested in getting to know you.  However once the thrill is gone, so too is the personality!

What you might respond or react to almost consistently the emotionless has no response unless you try to coax a conversation such as: "What do you think?  How do you feel about that?"  Any "normal" person would have at least a comment or a chuckle.  There is nothing coming from this person, you walk away and scratch your head.

There is a mystery, something magical, at least so you thought at first about the emotionless person, who you now dismiss, as "She's just being herself...He isn't into people, I guess it's okay."  But is it?  Now there is something else you notice, not much on talking about one's self. Hmm.  "Maybe there isn't anything interesting going on," you reason.  Yet, there are devices that have windows open but when you come around, they are closed.  Cell phone ringers are off when in your presence.  Excuses are made as to why you once had access to certain things, but now no more. Hmm.

While you act as if the coldness of your partner doesn't bother you, the privacy settings are on everything including one's mouth, now enter into the relationship, dishonesty.  You can't seem to get an honest answer about things like: feelings, family, job, past relationships, finance, children, education, hobbies, political and religious thoughts, marital status, sexual orientation... nothing!  Distrust sets in.  You are accused of being a trouble-maker for asking questions and "you don't trust me..."  Why should you?

The relationship was set up to fail from the start.  Callous people don't genuinely consider other people's feelings, they pretend.  When the cold-hearted suspect you know who they really are and what they are up to, they become even more secretive and closed-off from honest communication.  The lies drip off lips like a Saint Bernard dog's slobber on a cold winter day!

The power and control shows up in full force when confronted.  Fed up, you state how you feel, the callous reverses the allegations and accuses you while covering up what is really going on inside.  Cold people don't want to feel.  They think something is wrong with people who have emotions. 

What's abusive about an emotionless human being?  They lie about wanting/needing/loving people.  Rather than nurture a caterpillar into a butterfly, they crush it, because some time in their lives they were crushed.  These abusers are considered emotionally abusive.  They aren't physically wounding you, although you can become ill fighting with them, but their silence emotionally drains you.

Ways you take back control of your emotions from an emotionless person while bettering your life:

1)  No more seeking approval from the callous lover/spouse/mate.  

2)  No more encouraging this person to converse with you, children or anyone else.

3)  No more buying attention, love, friendship, or whatever else you seek.

4)  No more hoping/wishing/waiting for them to return to that date you once knew. It ain't happening!

5)  No more planning a future together including: having more children, renewing vows, buying property together, etc.

6) Get a life!  Chances are for a long time your world revolved around someone you are incompatible with, now you will enjoy the kind of life that uplifts you mentally, physically and spiritually.

7)  No more praying for this person more than you pray for yourself!  In time, you won't be focused on what God can do for that person, but rather what God can do for you!!!

Most of all, you will find that you no longer care about who the individual is talking to, where he or she is going, and whether he or she is being straightforward with you--who cares?  When you are busy with your life, if anything, you wish that person well without you!

Envision yourself without the worry of someone being unresponsive to your conversation, needs and desire for intimacy.  Imagine what it would be like to have a transparent and honest friend!

The future is yours, embrace it!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and the owner of this blog. 

A New You Won't Take Emotional and Physical Abuse - Say Goodbye to Pain, Hello to Healing

So it's a new year, now what?  Do you begin your life anew working toward getting out of a toxic relationship?  Most victims, they don't.  They prefer to make excuses as to why they should stay.  Do you seek counsel on how to end the relationship?  Most victims, they keep everything they are going through bottled inside.  But survivors, they do less talking and more walking!  They believe they are going to get out and then they do.  Whether they are walking upright when they leave or on a stretcher, they are out!

Victims hate on survivors.  They are jealous even angry.  They want to get out, but that is about all they do "want."  But want has to be backed up with action.  If being jealous of those who are free is motivation, then one should use that to create the peaceful environment you always wanted without emotional and physical abuse.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Just imagine for a moment...no one calling you names, acting threatening, accusing you of anything, hitting, staring at you like your crazy, muttering curse words about you, cheating on you emotionally and/or physically, carrying your personal information to others, acting ugly with you yet nice with others...a heaven on earth!  Yep, that can be yours!  Are you ready?

The more you envision your personal peace on earth, the more it is attainable.  You define it and you make it happen!  Doctors, counselors, teachers, relatives, and friends can only do so much to encourage you, you have to be willing to do something!  You have to love yourself and your freedom more than you will ever love that abusive partner.

I recall the day I made up in my mind I was letting go of some toxic people in my life.  I felt so much peace.  The burdens began to uplift.  I began to take action.  I talked to them less and less.  I packed up bags and boxes.  I found freedom mentally before it came physically.  I trusted God.  Are you willing to lay down your burdens and seek solace?

I am excited about the new year, because there are more changes ahead.  I owe it to myself to be my best self with or without the people currently in my life.  I can tell you from personal experience God can move the old out and replace those jokers with new people who love, like and care for you honestly!

If that is what you want, then get the resources you need!  It's time to tell some folks to kick rocks!

Excited about your future and mine, happy new year!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men as well as the blog owner.