Monday

Sibling Abuse - Physical Violence Started with Some When a Sibiling Abused Them

Doctors, teachers, support groups, and others tend to focus on parents' impact on a child growing up who one day becomes an adult who is abusive.  Unfortunately, there are many adults who had brothers and sisters who were verbally and physically abusive to them for years.  From constant teasing to sexual abuse (when parents were in the next room or away), the poor child who was too fearful to tell while somehow reasoning it was okay, grows up with a variety of emotional issues.

Most of us know it is sick to hurt a brother or sister who is screaming at the top of his or her lungs, "Stop! Stop!" or is saying nothing at all, but appears sad or miserable about what is happening.  Yet, despicable acts go on.  Some children are disciplined by parents and yet brother or sister continue to come around with yet another nasty thing to say or do to a sibling when backs are turned.  For some children, mom and dad isn't helpful.  Think of those long summer and winter breaks where children were often left in rooms to play together or at home with no parental supervision.  Another child is raped by big brother, another daughter is shown a game that has left her sick to her stomach or in pain while parents have no clue.

Many people who have been in abusive relationships or are still laboring to love someone who is abusive have a story to tell about a sibling, cousin, friend, etc.  They recall times when they wished that a child would have stopped.  The victims often carry confusing emotions into relationships and tend to be over-protective of their own children as a result of what they endured in the past, but at the same time permit a partner to physically and/or emotionally abuse them!?

There comes a point in any family that is having constant problems to stop running here and there (covering up issues), slow down with all the late work hours, turn off the TV and the Internet, put down the cell phone and drop in on children playing alone, as well as find alternatives when it comes to leaving small children alone at home, and more.  Most of all, seek out help for those past, unresolved issues that keep one emotionally and physically bound to an abusive partner who may have abused his or her siblings.

Nicholl McGuire

For more information about sibling abuse, signs and tips, see here.

Saturday

Silently But Deadly: A Partner Who Takes It All In Now But Uses and Abuses Later

You think a controlling partner is harmless when he or she sits back and listens to your complaints, nods and agrees with your issues, and seemingly acts supportive, right?  You believe that because he or she doesn't share your rants and negative statements about others to people outside the home that they mean you well, right? 

Controlling partners will get even sooner or later based on what you have shared with them.  If he or she doesn't like a certain family member or friend or doesn't like what you say or do, the abuser will not hesitate to use what he or she knows against you to get desired results!  To an abuser his or her requests are logical, practical and in the best interest of the family, but one should know better.  He or she is typically the only one who benefits. 

From the abuser driving you crazy for the things you said or did in the past by repeating them over and over again to physically threatening you or assaulting you, he or she wants to feel in control since you may have done something that made this person feel out of control in his or her mind, body or spirit. 

Confiding in a control freak is the worse thing you can do!  Making him or her your so-called best friend only gives this person ammunition to use against you later.  Think about past disagreements where sensitive information about yourself or someone you shared with your partner came back to haunt you.   A controller's personality is like a man paddling a child or a woman wielding a knife at a lover, in order to feel in control, an abuser must use a tool to get you to submit.  A silent but deadly partner will use mind control as his or her secret weapon!

1.  Present information in a variety of forms to get you to do what it is that he or she wants.  From pointing out a news segment to sharing an article that makes you think twice about crossing him or her.
2.  Reminding you of hurtful events of the past so that you won't want to do anything to upset him or her.
3.  Use distraction to keep you from thinking about what he or she has done to make you feel bad such as:  blaming your family, friends or work for stressing you out.
4.  Ignore you or act in ways that tell you, "You messed up...you did wrong...you better not do it again or else..."
5.  Raise his or her voice, call names, or stand close to you to intimidate you.
6.  Hit you with an object or his or her fists, spit on you, or throw things at or near you to keep you from bringing up any subject matter again that makes him or her look less than stellar, causes discomfort, or challenges his or her personal beliefs/behaviors.  

These mean-spirited people will make you feel bad when they are convinced you are in the wrong.  So what does a victim tend to do that creates more relationship dysfunction?  He or she scrambles to save an abuser's reputation or his or her self from being used or abused by any means necessary!  Those of you who are not in this sort of relationship reading this may recognize how someone has used you as a pawn in his or her game to appease a controlling partner. 

The victim will do almost anything to keep from having to deal with a controlling partner's vengeful behaviors such as: using family members' in ways to appease the abuser, asking to borrow money or find ways to get money to shut a partner up, go into further debt to meet the abuser's selfish needs, lie or cover-up things to keep a partner off his or her back, and/or work hard to make a partner feel good again about the victim.  He or she seeks praise and reward from the abuser especially when the relationship is rocky.  Meanwhile, the abuser will use the partner in ways to make him or her feel in control like:  take advantage of a lover's kindness, buy things for self but deny a partner his or her wishes, insult or hit the victim into submission, bad-mouth a victim's supportive network, convince the victim that he or she can't trust anyone but him or her, and more!   By doing these things, the victim is less likely to:  share personal family business, assist others without the approval of the partner, visit family or friends without checking in with his or her partner, and let anyone in his or her life without reaping some benefit for the abuser.

Consider the following when analyzing your controlling partner who uses silence and threats to get you to tow the line or do what he or she says:

1.  Has this partner brought up what you talked about later in a way that made you uncomfortable, nervous or caused you to wish you never opened your mouth?

2.  Did he or she harshly criticize you and others about what was said or done to the point where you felt like you had to hold back tears?

3.  Do you find yourself shifting blame after you told and received advice from your partner about the person or related events that upset you?    Do you hold yourself or your partner accountable for his or her involvement or lack thereof?

4.  Do you feel miserable after talking with your partner about personal matters?

5.  Do you feel an overwhelming need to want to rectify a situation such as: you lost his or her money in a risky investment so you wish to make him or her feel better, you lied to your partner about something, shared personal information, or exaggerated a situation and now you want to work to look like you are trustworthy, or you denied doing something and felt bad about it so now you work hard to try to be honest? 

Now that you have taken the time to analyze your relationship, does it look as healthy as you think?  Relationships like this that last for many years do so because one refuses to say or do anything to expose/confront/ the other.  The victim rather pick battles externally (with other people like parents, sales clerks, teachers, doctors, lawyers, etc.) then to expose a partner, face the truth, and do what he or she knows to be right.  A battle between two people at home ends up being a battle on the street--everyone is eventually affected.

Check out information on this site about narcissism.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and When Mothers Cry.

Thursday

My Partner Hates Me I Know It - When the Abuser Loves No One

An abuser puts on a good show in front of family and friends, "I love her...I wouldn't know where I would be if it wasn't for him...I want our family to be close...I don't want my babe to leave!"  But the truth is, a mean-spirited man or woman really loves no one-- not even his or her self.  He may buy nice things for himself sometimes.  She might plan a great trip and be on her best behavior for a moment.  These hateful people may even surprise relatives with a gift every now and then.  But an angry man or woman with overt or covert hate, loves no one!  Who has room to love when he or she is often angry, bitter, resentful, and feels rejected?

A difficult personality is a challenge to live with and you can't help but think at times, "This person really hates me."  You take all of their burdens and place them on your shoulders rather than giving to their Creator to fix while working on you such as asking yourself, "Now why did I get myself involved with this person in the first place?  Is he or she adding anything worthwhile to my life?"

From glares from the hateful individual to an open-handed smack across your body for no apparent reason, you are wondering what is going on with this person, you can't do anything right!  Loving an angry person who is verbally and physically abusive isn't right or wrong, but allowing the individual to keep hurting you is!  What will it take for you to come to the point of no return?  A severe beating?  Cheating?  Your partner spending up all your money or maybe he or she bringing someone into your bedroom and you catching the two in the act? 

For some victims of verbal and physical abuse, it took something crazy to happen for them to finally realize that love isn't what they were experiencing the whole time they were in a relationship with a threatening person, but fear, worry and stress.  A sexual experience does nothing more than mask what is really going on in the relationship, but it doesn't reinforce love, commitment, trust, etc.  Sex has a way of making an already challenging situation worse!  Emotions are flying, hormones are raging, and the desire to make things work is temporal until the next negative word comes out of a lover's mouth.

How do you know your partner hates you and loves no one?

1.  The abuser is often using his mouth to hurt you and badmouth others.
2.  He or she is cold-hearted and nonchalant when it comes to your feelings and others.
3.  The individual doesn't bother to assist you when you need his or her help.  For instance, the person doesn't go out of his or her way to pick you up when you need a ride or help you when you are unable to cook or clean for yourself without giving you much attitude or even blaming you for inconveniencing him or her.
4.  This person often talks negatively about you to others and will blatantly disrespect you publicly if you should disagree with him or her.
5.  Your partner lies, cover-ups, or exaggerates stories to keep you from knowing the truth in situations where you suspect he or she is up to no good.  This person makes insincere apologies or none at all for his or her bad behavior.
6.  The abuser doesn't bother to do anything healthy to make his or herself look or smell better unless he or she is trying to make a temporal impression to get something like:  a job, sex from someone, money, opportunity, etc.

If you notice that you or your abuser is falling into a routine where one or the other is doing some things that are making others dislike you, check yourself.  Chances are the negativity and hatred you are experiencing in your relationship is rubbing off on you or that person.  Find ways to make yourself happy until you are ready to leave for good.  In the meantime, focus on giving and receiving love to yourself and others even in the most challenging circumstance.  Learn to distance yourself from hate not re-create it.  Talk with a trusted friend, an attorney, and/or law enforcement if you feel your safety is at risk.

Nicholl McGuire is the creator of this blog and offers spiritual insight and encouragement on YouTube, see here.
 

Wednesday

Mama Didn't Raise Any Punks - On Leaving the Abuser

After the scratches, the choking, and the incidents with the pillow where he attempted to smother me,  I had to find that place in my mind that I had before I met him, "I'm better than this!  There is no way I would ever let a man hurt me!"  It didn't take long (but long enough--nine months) before I got the courage to start distancing myself away from that ugly man!

The professionals were right, it was going to take multiple attempts to leave until I stayed away from him for good.  Even when I successfully left, I still had a yearning to want to be with that abusive man for some months afterward.  I had gotten use to the fighting, lying, cursing, sexing, and the promises that he wouldn't act up again. 

If you have ever been with someone abusive, you know how it feels to want to love and be loved and you tell yourself, "It will get better, I know it."  For a little while it does, until a hit, choke, slap, or threat returns and you are back to square one wishing to leave yet again! 

You might have experienced that need to solve your abuser's problems and to be a better you in the process.  But the more you try, the more you fall backward into a pit of hell on earth.  You worry about where he goes, what he does, who he is with and you tell yourself, "Why can't he do right by me?  Why can't we make it?  I'll be d*mned he makes it work with some b*tch!"  Instead of acting like this, one should be thinking, "I hope he does find someone, so he will no longer be my headache."  Then let that mean man go! 

The plan to leave has to be one that will send a message to all, "I am truly done with my abuser!  I mean it, I am done...there is nothing he/she can say or do that will bring me back into their web of pain."  So what must you do? 

Start with the little things--those issues that will empower you while at the same time free you from the abuser's grip.  You share items, stop sharing.  You live  or visit frequently this person, cut back.  Spend your time elsewhere.  You call this person and tell them about your life, don't.  You help this person, start saying, "No."  Of course, you can't do everything all at once if you still feel for the person, otherwise you might find yourself overwhelmed.  You also don't want to bring anymore drama to yourself so soon after the last blow-up, do think about your safety.  But you have to do something!  Running your lips doesn't count.  Giving people a bad a#$ speech about how you are not going to take this and that from him anymore means nothing!  Put action behind your words and be sure you have the support from law enforcement, family, friends, recording devices, you name it!  You are battling your abuser for your life!  You have to be the one to let that angry person know that you value yourself without opening your mouth.

I recall when I heard someone say, "Mama didn't raise any punks!"  A punk is a coward, he or she will not fight for his or her life.  When the drama comes, a scared person will permit a bully to beat them down.  I am alive today, because my mama didn't raise any punk, I thank God for his strength to get me out before he took my life!  My friend, He will do the same for you if you trust in Him!

Nicholl McGuire

Friday

Crazy Partners, Excuses and Peace

Making excuses for someone cursing at you in the public, beating you for yelling, or keeping something that is yours because he or she is trying to teach you a lesson--whatever the abuser is doing to upset your world is just wrong!  Most of us understand this (those who are free from bad relationships,) but those who are still laboring to love an abusive mate, don't get the lesson until they hit rock bottom like a drunk.  He or she will have to lose everything before one can experience true, lasting freedom!

There are no excuses for men or women who are out of their minds--none!  The best place for them is in a doctor's office, mental ward, jail cell, or on a deserted island.  Substance abuse will bring out the worse in anyone, and for some, they never snap back.  Crazy comes and never goes!

Yet, the loving, sweet, patient, long-suffering partner, who wishes that his or her God will come and heal a mentally troubled person, will self-deceive while hoping relatives, friends and co-workers will go along with any story that comes out of his or her mouth.  There comes a point in the roller coaster relationship that the blind leads the blind.  Crazy tries to reason with crazy while attempting to recruit others to support him or her in their mess.  Any person with common sense will not go along with a relationship full of cheating, yelling, cursing, lying, stealing, belittling, abusing, controlling, or any thing that looks similar especially when children are involved.  Therefore, the one that is being abused will attempt to sugarcoat his or her abuser--making the individual appear like he or she is "okay, alright and we have problems just like everyone else" when in fact there is nothing okay about being in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells, hide things, or isolate yourself just to keep the peace!

Victims who have been repeatedly abused have all sorts of personalities that work on their behalf.  There is typically the one who fights anyone and everyone who challenges them.  Then there is the one who just wants to be loved.  There's a personality for survival like trying to get through a workday or family event.  Then there is one for the abuser--a personality that goes along just to get along.  And of course, there is a core personality one who comes out when the good ole days are talked about before the abusive partner came into his or her life.  There are many more depending on the individual especially if he or she uses legal or illegal drugs to attempt to bring peace to a troubled mind and a body in pain.

There is just no excuse to permit a human being to abuse another--none!  There is not enough medicine, drugs, food, sex, or anything else that can help someone who is obviously sick mentally and/or physically.  Enabling those who have troubled minds will only make you sick.  They are like a cold, if you come around them long enough, you will catch their illness. 

The strong who survive abusive relationships are those who stop making excuses, get the necessary help to be free from their situations, and vow to never put themselves back into any physically, mentally or spiritually energy draining relationship! 

Keep this in mind, you just can't save a person who refuses to get the help he or she needs no matter how hard you try!  If you believe in a Higher Power, ask him to save you!

Nicholl McGuire also blogs at Face Your Foe. 

 

Saturday

How the Abuser Reacts to the Separation from the Abused


He's So Nice - When the Abuser is Too Good to Be True

Those around you talk about how nice and understanding your partner appears to be.  They tell you how much they like him or her.  But you know the real person.  You don't bother to correct these people who only see your partner's best side and nothing else.

An abuser pretends to care about you when others are around, but when alone with him he makes you feel small, uncomfortable, and nervous.  When in public, the gentleman talks about you as if he is in love with you, but behind closed doors, you are "stupid, a cunt, idiot, dumb..."  He says how much he likes this thing and that one about you in front of others, but when alone with you, "I really don't like you...I think you are pathetic...what did I ever see in you?"  If you should allude to who your dear mother-in-law's son really, share complaints with people he knows, or express your feelings in a private counseling session with him, the abuser will explode!

It is the fear of his exploding that keeps you on your toes.  Your stomach and head often aches, because you never know from one day to the next what might set him off.  So you watch what you say to others and try hard to leave your angry partner's name out of your mouth even if you were going to say something seemingly positive.

Women who walk on eggshells around their abusive lovers, husbands, and boyfriends rarely come off as nice as their charming abusers.  Typically, observers will whisper, "You know she is a b*tch!  I don't like the way she acts around him.  I think she is crazy.  Something is wrong with her, her man is alright to me...I wish he were mine!"

The critics are deceived!  People who think they are good judges of character don't know the charming abuser like they think they do!  It isn't until the gullible, na├»ve and ignorant witness or hear about crazy events that they just might say, "I really thought he was a nice guy." 

If you don't live with someone everyday and you or that person doesn't communicate as much as that person's wife, girlfriend or lover, then you have no clue!  You are guessing, speculating, or making assumptions based on how the charmer has made you feel especially if you don't have anyone around who treats you as nice as that guy does.  It is unfair to assume anything about anyone when you know your time with him or her is often limited and in a very controlled setting where everyone is supposed to be on his or her best behavior.  This is how many victims get caught in relationships with abusers, they only see their best sides in pleasant environments.

Psychologists, doctors, lawyers and teachers have been tricked by the deceptive man who dresses well, speaks politely, and behaves like a minister. Most people are shocked when they one day find out that Mr. Nice Guy is no longer that and has went off and killed someone.  Some people are so brainwashed by the character of some of these deceivers that they refuse to believe that Mr. Nice Guy really did beat up his girlfriend.  They say things like, "She must have done something to deserve that beating...you know these women think they can fight men."

One must use wisdom and discern those people who appear to be too good to be true, because usually they are just that!  Warn relatives and friends of things you might have observed that just didn't look or sound right with certain people they trust.  Of course, they might not see what you see, but at least you sowed a seed and they could never come back later and say, "Why didn't you tell me something about him?"

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry, Floral Beauty on a Dead-end Street and other books.  Listen to spiritual teachings on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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