Deadly Conversation with an Abuser: Charming, Sweet

How many times have we heard abused women and men say that the relationship with their abusers started out nice?  The individual was "sweet, kind, funny, unique..." but what they overlooked in the conversation as they got to know one another was "my dad abused mother repeatedly hurt me...I was sexually abused...I was beaten for nothing..." 

How many relationships had the abuser been in where he/she kicked, slapped, choked, pushed, or did something else violent prior to meeting the unsuspecting victim?  One might never know, but the key point in the conversation with a potential date a person should be paying attention to is, "I had been abused..." 

Many victims of abuse learn bad habits, reactions, and other negative things from being with abusers.  They can become increasingly violent, jealous, angry, and emotional in the best of relationships because of trigger statements, familiar behaviors and reactions from a partner, and other things that might take their minds back to a bad time in their lives.  Some victims, turned survivors, will end relationships if they should experience any discomfort that looks or sounds like something they encountered in a past partnership.

While the charmer is charming, the listener should be looking at scars on hands, around eyes, wrists, arms, face, chest and any other noticeable place.  Don't permit the lies to deceive what your eyes are telling you.  Scratches here and there, bite marks, burns and other things don't always come from freak accidents, childhood incidents, and more.  Watch the facial expression as the story is being told, ask detailed questions and notice whether the charmer is becoming visibly angry because of your inquiries.  Most likely, he or she is going to come up with an excuse to hide his or her upset.  When the time comes, mention the story you were told to someone in his or her family and watch that person's reaction too.

The polite conversation, the flirty statements, and the compliments are all tactics that players, pimps, hustlers, and even the nice, rich professional use with a dark past.  He or she tells you what you most like to hear.  If you share problems, these individuals know how to provide solutions.  If you tell them your plans for the future, they know how to include themselves in your plans.  If you are beautiful, one of a kind, in their eyes, they know how to keep you close--real close to the point that you start to weary of them.  Yet, the unsuspecting never pays attention to the signs, he or she ignores them, doesn't take what he or she sees in someone else seriously.  They wish away all things negative while suffocating one's protective defenses. 

"I don't want to come off as mean...I really want to be viewed as nice...I don't want him/her to think I am a bad person, but there is something wrong with this person seated before me."  Welcome those alerts--embrace them!  "There is something a bit off about this guy...I really don't like him that much...I wish he would stop talking to me." Self-talk is powerful--do it, don't quiet it, no matter how mean you might sound to yourself!

Think of the many men and women who avoided crazy relationships because they listened to their gut so to speak.  They escaped train wrecks with mentally disturbed people because they didn't quiet their instincts during those initial conversations.  If something appeared strange, weird, or troubled about the person, they politely ended their chat and moved on with their lives.

Nicholl McGuire


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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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