Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Welcome to our blog, inspired by Nicholl McGuire's insightful book on domestic and dating violence, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate . Here, we aim to provide a supportive space for those grappling with the complexities of loving a partner who may be emotionally or physically abusive.  Understanding Abuse Abuse can take many forms, often leaving victims feeling isolated and confused. Emotional abuse may include manipulation, gaslighting, or constant criticism, while physical abuse can manifest through violence or intimidation. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for anyone in a relationship where love is intertwined with pain. The Struggle to Love Loving someone who exhibits abusive behaviors can be an emotional rollercoaster. You may find yourself oscillating between hope and despair, clinging to the good moments while grappling with the harsh realities of your partner's actions. It's essential to acknowledge your feelings and understand that you are not alone in this st...

The conversations are becoming increasingly difficult to have with an abusive partner. It is clear that you want to end the relationship or maybe he or she wants to but someone isn’t letting go.  Do not take periodic gestures of kindness or a pleasant moment as signs an abuser or yourself  want to stay. Abuse is occurring in the relationship and the longer you stay, the more emotionally and physically damaging it will be to your mind, body and spirit. The following signs are evident that a partner no longer wants to be in a relationship. 1. Your partner no longer wants to spend time with you. If your partner starts making excuses not to spend time with you, it's a sign that they may be considering on breaking up with you. If they used to be all over you and now they can't even stand to be in the same room as you, it's a bad sign. 2. Your partner is suddenly very critical of you. If your partner suddenly starts nitpicking everything you do and pointing out all of your flaws,...

Just because he doesn't curse and act threatening like he did when he was younger, doesn't mean he has changed.  Just because she doesn't holler and throw things like she did about 20 plus years back, doesn't mean she is sweet now.  The aging emotionally and physically abusive man or woman is simply tired of fighting.  They don't have the energy like they once did to kick, shove, punch, or chase their victims around the house.  You know they haven't changed when... 1)  They still call you or someone else hurtful names while blaming and shaming. 2)  They threaten to hurt you even though they haven't bothered to get up out the chair. 3)  They still use power and control tactics to get their way--they might use their bodily aches and pains to win sympathy. 4)  They still lie or cover up their misdeeds especially past ones. 5)  They still don't apologize. 6)  They still avoid getting any help for their personality disorders or mental ...

You know why a lot of families are grieving this day?  It is because during the heat of an argument their beloved, yet deceased, sons and daughters yelled out their intentions (what they planned to do like leave them) to their abusers, and even acted boldly in attempting to defend themselves.  Victims buried six feet deep prematurely because they just couldn't keep their mouths shut! You don't tell a violent man or woman your plans, ever!  You might think he or she wouldn't think twice about hitting you, ruining your credit, hurting your children , or doing any other crazy act, but think again!  Just because you have been with someone well-over a decade doesn't mean that he or she wouldn't take what they have learned from you and flip the script! The Bible warns to love our enemies for good reason.  Even if you can't love an enemy at least act like it until you are as far away from him or her as possible.  Treat the person kindly, but not so well ...

Screaming at you yet again for what appears to be no apparent reason, the fatherless son or daughter is in pain.  Pushing, shoving, kicking again wanting out of the box that reminds one of his or her abusive father.  So you thought you were over the grief when daddy died in your mind, body or externally? Those who have grieved their fathers in healthy ways did so by facing the facts that Dad just didn't love them in the way that they should have been loved.  They read books, attended counseling sessions and did other things to free their minds, bodies and other things tied to toxic fathers and enabling mothers.  So when the opportunity comes to date a fatherless son or daughter, with much emotional baggage, the unsuspecting just don't know what they are getting themselves into when they do.  Rather than deal with issues, some will avoid dating any longer, others will persuade themselves into continuing a troubled relationship while abusers will deal with...

Whether he picked a fight after he saw you talking to a man while you were out or she had issue with you doing something yet again with the children, the abusive partner is in the mood to yell, curse, slam a few things around, and even slap you a few times. I recall a time when I avoided the physical abuse, but I had to hear the long rant.  The crazy man was yelling about what?  To this day, I really don't know.  I remember trying to explain, but to no avail.  He put the parked car in the dark parking lot in drive and off we went down the road quickly.  He was braking hard and I had tears in my eyes.  You don't think at the time about leaving.  You don't worry about tomorrow.  All you want to do is get through that moment.  You just want the yelling to stop.  If they push you too hard, it is then that you end up acting just as crazy as them.  Once you get going, you can't stop.  Every curse word is flying and you feel like...

So you have something you are just dying to tell your emotionally unstable mate. You really want to make the man or woman you love a buddy today.  So you think you can make a connection with him or her like you once did (back when days were good in your relationship), so here goes, "Guess what I heard today...I just wanted to tell you that...I know something you don't know...You will never guess who I ran into...I received a phone call from..." You think a nice story about the opposite sex (whether relative or not) will go over well with your insecure partner who just looks at you faking interest in what you have to say.  You assume sharing subject matter that should have been kept to yourself won't cause an argument.  "Well Tina said...and I thought maybe Barry would have..."  So you chat and chat while your partner nods, listens, adds a funny comment or two, or stares off into space.  You walk away thinking, "Well that wasn't bad.  I guess thin...

"Let me finish...what was I saying...I forgot.  Are you going to let me talk?  You said that I could speak...why don't you let me finish!"  Frustrated beyond words, tears streaming down the young woman's face, she can't express her thoughts.  Her abuser has beaten her down mentally before she could make any more valid points.  Her words of truth stung him like a bee, the abusive man knew he was wrong in the way that he treated her, but he didn't want to hear it! "You're a crazy b&tch, you know that?  Why do I bother listening to you?  If only you could see what you look like right now!  Quit your crying, baby!  I don't know what I saw in you!  I worry about you... maybe you should see a doctor."  He takes no responsibility for driving her into an entangled web of confusion with his constant interruptions, name-calling, and more.  She keeps wanting to collect her thoughts, to explain some more, bu...

Another question for a heavenly Creator, "Why, oh God, couldn't you have made this person I am with different!?  Why couldn't my partner just be a better friend and lover to me?" We will never know why some people can clearly see that a relationship is headed for a dead end, freedom is almost over, children are at risk of being taken away, a divorce is on the horizon, and yet they continue to behave in uncaring, mean and downright ugly ways! People, who are often mean to loved ones and others, rarely change.  Sometimes you hope  something might happen that will make them see the light, but to no avail.  When the writing is on the wall, you might as well read it, "There is no changing him/her, so stop trying." Some will persuade a mean partner to attend church with him or her, others will encourage the individual to do something fun, still others might plan vacations, buy gifts, or give the partner whatever he or she wants.  Yet, no matter what...

Some temperamental, violent, and angry types just don't get it!  Did a partner really have to hit, yell, name-call, throw things, or use the period of silent treatment yet again to hurt you?  When a supposedly loved one seems to have bouts of going from happy to angry from getting along to creating chaos, you have to wonder, "Can I keep up with this?  How is he/she affecting me, the children...?  Do I really want this person in my life?" What is one willing to give up right now for things like:  peace, happiness, the focus to pursue goals, the strength to stand up for self, and all other things that are healthy qualities of life?  We can make life simply too hard to live by the choices we make personally and professionally.   You might want more money, a bigger house, freedom, and other things that solve personal issues, but what do you have to do to make those things happen?  The same mindset you use when it comes to chasing after material dre...

Making excuses for someone cursing at you in the public, beating you for yelling, or keeping something that is yours because he or she is trying to teach you a lesson--whatever the abuser is doing to upset your world is just wrong!  Most of us understand this (those who are free from bad relationships,) but those who are still laboring to love an abusive mate, don't get the lesson until they hit rock bottom like a drunk.  He or she will have to lose everything before one can experience true, lasting freedom! There are no excuses for men or women who are out of their minds--none!  The best place for them is in a doctor's office, mental ward, jail cell, or on a deserted island.  Substance abuse will bring out the worse in anyone, and for some, they never snap back.  Crazy comes and never goes! Yet, the loving, sweet, patient, long-suffering partner, who wishes that his or her God will come and heal a mentally troubled person, will sel...

How many times will a victim of abuse make excuses, ignore, lie, or cover up what his or her partner has become?  What will it take for the victim to leave? The timing is never right when it comes to leaving an abuser especially when the victim refuses to see the destruction and manipulation in what he or she still feels is a healthy, normal relationship.  The delusional one might want to re-educate his or herself on what a non-abusive relationship looks like where cursing, fighting, silent treatment, and acting jealous and controlling is non-existent.  There are such relationships, believe it or not!  People who assume it is always the other person's fault tend not to see what they need to do to end the blame game.  They live their lives blaming others for everything, but rarely if ever, themselves.  These are definitely the wrong people to talk to when it comes to your personal ch...

When you first met him, what was it like?  You listened to what he said.  You took his words as truth.  You reasoned away doubt.  You believed his lies.  Now look at you.  Controlled, manipulated, and emotionally abused by words said as recent as yesterday.  When people tell you that your partner doesn't deserve you, he is no good, or other choice words, you agree with them, yet you stay. Staying with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive is more challenging than leaving.  Once you are packed up and out the door, your life awaits you.  However, when you stay, you don't see anything but what he wants, where he wants to go, how he feels, and so on; therefore, your life is put on hold.  You find yourself working each day to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't love or respect you nearly as much as you love him.  How much more do you have to take before you tell yourself, "I will not work to...

Why does the violent man sit with a strange look on his face when out of the clear blue his girlfriend, gets the courage to scream, curse and throw things at him?  Has the abusive man ever bothered to think that his evil ways have begun to take their toil on his victim? From cheating to spying, whatever an abusive partner does that often makes his or her victim's stomach churn, heart race, or temper rise, sooner or later something is going to happen that is going to make someone go, "What the @#$% just happened?" How long does a physically or emotionally abusive person thinks he or she can keep ignoring a lover/partner, curse, lie, cheat, or act in other ways that baffle a victim before he or she explodes? A person who systematically drives someone crazy with the hope that he or she will self-harm or hurt others in an effort to rid him or her from one's life is a diabolical plan that often backfires.  Think of the many m...