Wednesday

You're Not to Blame for a Hot-Tempered Man or Woman's Shortcomings

"You made me do that!  If it wasn't for you, I would have never...You were the one who said...so I went on and did it!" the angry abuser retorts.  He or she isn't finish yet, it is only a matter of time that the manipulator is going to pay you back for calling him or her out on something he or she did or didn't do.

"Why didn't you wash the dishes, honey?  You said you were going to do them.  I am trying to keep the place neat and clean, so I could really use your help around here."  the victim says.  The dishes go unwashed and other things aren't done, because the selfish and vengeful man doesn't feel his partner deserves his help.  He recalls the other day when she did something that upset him.  "Eye for an eye," he thinks.

Being with someone who is quick to blame you for things is emotionally and physically draining. You find yourself having to defend your every word and deed.  Whether you have done something you consider kind for someone or good for you, mean-spirited men and women will always find fault with it and some how blame you when they don't feel comfortable about your actions.

Those, who labor to love abusive, controlling or jealous types, learn what buttons not to push. Sometimes their efforts fail, but most often they go the distance in their relationships, because they have learned over decades how to respond when their hot-tempered partners are having one of those days.  An older woman, married to a controlling spouse for many years, once told me, "I don't react when I know my husband is angry about something.  I know to leave the room, go out of my home, or do something else."  A widow, who had been repeatedly beaten in her relationship, said, "I would tend to the kids.  I didn't talk back to him.  I kept my mouth shut.  Sometimes that worked."  Yet, no matter what you say or do, when a violent or emotionally abusive man or woman is determined to blame you for something that is bothering him or her it becomes a losing battle.

In order to stay mentally strong in crazy-making situations, you have to tell yourself, "I am not at fault.  I will not take the blame.  I don't care what he says, I know what I do."  Of course, if you were to say this aloud to the abuser, it would only infuriate him or her.

You are not to blame for a partner's shortcomings and you don't have to say things over and over again to prove your points either.  If you are unhappy having to defend yourself over and over again to this controlling person, it is time to think strongly about doing something different to bring you the love, peace and happiness you so crave.

Nicholl McGuire former victim, survivor for over 20 plus years.  Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. She shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Tuesday

Mind Games Predators Play

Triangulation & Other Deranged Divide & Conquer Tactics of Spousal Predators





Make Up in Your Mind to Be Happy

You are free to be happy!  Tell yourself that today!  "I am free to be happy!"

You are free to do what you want, when you want, and how you want it.  Yet, so many women and men in miserable relationships have relinquished all control over being joyous.   These couples have been caught up in the trappings of the following:  frequent crying, fighting, arguing, compulsively spending, over-eating, abusing alcohol or drugs, and more that they find it a challenge to put a smile on their faces and truly feel content on the inside.  Between all the personal drama, they simply forgot what it feels like to be happy on a consistent basis.  When was the last time you saw yourself smile in a mirror?  Now when was the last time you saw yourself genuinely smile with a partner?

When we look at the many problems in our world, we see people who feel like they have no way out of their circumstances.  "I'm married now--can't do anything!" says the disgruntled newlywed.  "He does whatever he wants, he doesn't care much about me." the angry girlfriend says.  "I really wish I would have held off on having a baby with her..." says the new father.  

These hurting individuals are in despair, angry, confused, and resentful.  They can't envision what it's like to be content at this point in their lives and aren't thinking much about it. "It is what it is," says the fed up wife.  Some people try to feel good by making others feel good.  They attempt to turn their home life around by doing nice things on occasion.  They look to others for advice on being happy. However, unless these "I'm doing the best I can" while still carrying around disappointments type of individuals are freeing themselves from the troubling issues that confine them to negative state of minds, they simply won't be happy.  Then there are those who have medical conditions that hinder joyful feelings.

To truly enjoy one's life takes time--lots of it especially when you have robbed yourself of happiness by making frequent poor decisions.  What might it take for you to rebuild your life and finally be satisfied with the results?  The Christian, and others with a faith, will suggest acknowledging a Creator and trusting in Him first.  Establishing a personal connection while casting your burdens on to God.  Others would say, you will need to override fear, worry and stress, by creating a plan and then begin to change your environment.  Sometimes our issues are physiological and have very little to do with others.  Loved ones might offer assistance to help you better your life--that is if you have been honest with them.  Examine every area of your life that seems to be weighing you down.

Many people stay in bad places in mind, body and spirit, because they reason to themselves that they can't, won't or shouldn't get help.  They falsely believe that no one cares.  They contemplate ending their lives because they sold everyone on the idea that their lives were perfect.  It is never too late to come clean and admit, "I am so unhappy!  I hate the way things are!  I need more than just a prayer and a wish!  I want to see change!"

When we are honest with ourselves, we will experience peace, followed by a drive to make some changes, and then eventually happiness.  It can be done, it will be done, if you are willing.  Forget what your mind and others say, know what will make you happy and start from there.  For believers, list what you want your God to do in your life.  I must warn you that His ways aren't our ways, so there just might be some more struggle during the clean up process, but if you stick with the holy Father long enough, He will make your life brand new!  Don't ignore, the signs, miracles and wonders.

Nicholl McGuire
Twitter @nichollmcguire
YouTube channel: nmenterprise7
Check out more by this writer at http://whenmotherscry.blogspot.com

Sunday

Hunger and Lack of Sleep Will Escalate Arguments, Abuse

A snoring partner, lack of quality food, frequent missed meals, and other issues, and what might one's household look like?  The mind, body and spirit will not act correctly.  The environment is often disorganized because the couple is too tired to get things done.  Phone calls go unanswered because people are sleeping at odd times due to the stress of living there--they just don't have the time or energy to listen to others.

Some couples believe that ignoring something as simple as hunger and sleep is okay.  They think they will function at top levels throughout the day without one or both.  But the look on their faces, sudden mood swings, tiredness, verbal insults, body aches, fluctuating body weight and blood sugar, and hot tempers tell the household and others outside the home, "They have issues."

Selfish people do selfish things.  They know how they are when they don't get adequate rest or meals, yet they will convince themselves that everyone else is the problem.  What about staying up all night watching TV?  Avoiding cooking?  Is frequent arguing affecting rest?  What about physical fighting impacting your body?  How about worry that a partner might leave/call the police/take children away as a result of crazy behavior due to being hungry, tired and overall angry?

Stay up late every night and awake early and what might you feel like on most days?  An already emotional man or woman is not a good person to be around whether with or without food or rest.  If anything, their mannerisms get worse when they don't eat or sleep.

Victims in relationships with hot-tempered partners usually deal with them by making sure there is food in the household, meals prepared and getting their needed rest, sometimes when they aren't around, so that they can withstand the pressure of being with them.

When one is often hungry and sleepy, he or she will not reason like normal human beings.  They will not get necessary treatment for self unless someone calls them out on their demeanor.  Rather, abusers and victims prefer to blame others.  Stubborn men and women who think they can do no wrong will not address issues even if others are hurting deeply because of them.  It is left up to those in the household, who still have their sanity, to find peace.

Nicholl McGuire
YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Pointless Promises - When the Liar Makes You Think All that Glitters is Gold

You don't have to be choked, slammed into a wall, or beaten until you are black and blue to be in an abusive relationship.  There are many women and men who experience covert abuse over time while thinking their charming partners will fulfill promises, remain faithful, treat them with respect, and more.  Most forms of abuse begin with lies.

"I never hit a woman.  I don't believe in hurting women.  I am a good man."  
"I have treated all the men I have been with well.  I love men." 
"I'm not crazy, it's those crazy b*tches I've been with!" 
"You can ask my ex...I don't lie.  I keep promises." 

The liar knows early on, during the dating phase, what to say and how to win over his or her gullible victim (usually someone who has a history of being mistreated by boyfriends or girlfriends).  The deceiver will promise that he or she will never be like those other men or women who have disappointed you.  "You are a diamond, so special...Why would anyone treat you badly?  I have never had anyone quite like you.  You don't ever have to worry, I won't put my hands on you.  I will always be here for you.  I love you more than anyone!  I wouldn't do what he did to you, my mother taught me better!"  The manipulator/controlling partner goes on to tell you what he or she wants in a relationship and begins the process of flattering you much when you share so much about yourself.  You are providing the liar with a foundation to work.  You are assisting him or her with ways to manipulate you in the future.

Some things people say during the courtship that haunt them later include:

"I haven't been with anyone in years.  I was abused by my exe.  My family is well-off.  I can always go to my parents if I ever need anything.  I bought everything in my home.  I own some property.  I have credit cards.  I have connections.  I enjoy investing my money in start-ups and helping others achieve their dreams.  I have been hurt before and I never want to go through that again.  I have a faith.  My ex is no-good.  I hate him.  I have much experience dating men."

Here's what the manipulator hears.  "She will probably give me whatever I want, because she is desperate for a man.  She won't be too difficult, because her exe already did the hard work breaking her down, so I'm like a saint in her eyes.  She will provide for me, because she can afford it.  I won't have to make a lot of money, because she pays most of the bills--jackpot!  I can ask her to help me with my business, assist with my schooling and help my family.  She has been through much, so even if I do screw up, she probably won't pay much attention because she doesn't want to go through another break up.  Kiss and make-up, easy enough!  She knows to be good to people due to her religion.  She doesn't believe in divorce, so if things don't work out, I will still be connected to her.  I don't have to worry about her ex protecting her or watching me since they have a terrible relationship.  I won't be encouraging any amicable connections either.  If she ever talks to me about my past, I will surely bring up all those men she slept with--Ms. I Know Men."

One of the major mistakes many women do when they begin dating relationships is they tell far too many details about themselves.  They will assume the men seated across from them in a nice restaurant, talk to over the phone, or text back and fourth are being completely honest.  The truth was and is, liars are forthcoming with information that will work to their advantage while putting a spin on the details while leaving out any details that might keep them from making a connection with their prey.  Sometimes they say nothing or what appears to be too much story-telling so that you will automatically assume they are being open and honest.

I think of men who I have dated over the years who were good liars.  They knew how to charm me and other women into thinking that we were special and were a perfect fit for them (in more ways than one).  I thought it quite odd each liar had a pattern of doing the following:  smiling often, being quite affectionate, questioning my daily activities and who I knew before I could say anything, and was very quick to want to bed me and plan a future.  I admit I fell for a few of them and their pushy ways.  Before long, these liars were often calling me, making plans for our next outings, and sharing their big ideas personally and professionally.  But there were problems--the kind I should have never overlooked, each liar had less education and money than me, yet more time to come around me.  I suspected something odd over time with them.  One was a real salesman, like a used car sales rep, which led to a serious relationship.  He always had a story as to why he came home late, didn't get something done, was often on the phone, where he was, what happened at work, and who he was with.  There was often a name or two that came up followed with an unflattering description about them from his workplace.  I learned later these names of men and women were merely distractions from the one who was the apple of his eye for a time.

Liars tell you that you are gold when inside they believe you are nothing more than glitter.  You will never be their ideal mate, because their fantasy is in a printed magazine, movies, the one that got away or many others, the new guy or girl they have been watching for quite sometime, or Rosy Palm (for some of you, you will need to think about that for a minute).

These men and women who don't think twice about telling lies will do it with a smile, a laugh, a blank stare, or an angry look on their faces.  They will swear that what you saw wasn't really what you saw, smelled or heard.  They will tell you the evidence and proof you present to them isn't what you think. They claim they love you and only you, but then your gut or the voice of God tells you different.  They go places while pretending they were home the whole time.  They hate the fact that you don't believe their lame stories and will retaliate for not going along.

When you finally catch on that promises are not going to be fulfilled, you are left feeling disgruntled. You realize a business opportunity, investment, vacation, or job they boasted about is not what they claim.  You discover you aren't the only one they have been seeing.  You hurt inside when you finally come to the realization that what you thought was meant to be really wasn't.  

Pointless promises, but purposeful to the liar because he or she "got you"--your sex, money, time, or all three.

Thursday

Punish the Victim - Flying Monkeys and Minions Who Support the Charming Abuser

A controlling mom is not going to tell her son what he is doing to his partner is wrong unless she benefits in some way.  An abusive father, with a history of insulting and hitting his wife, is not going to encourage his son to stay in a miserable relationship unless he is somehow inconvenienced by his son's future actions.  A jealous sibling just might blame the victim, especially if he or she is the favorite, just so that the individual is not getting any attention from the parents.  Depending on how dysfunctional the family, a victim just might experience further harm from an abuser.

A partner's side of the family might not be much support simply because they most likely saw some things about you that they didn't like.  The abusive son/brother/cousin can do no wrong.  They most likely have already been sold on your weakness and are trained to ignore your pleas for help.  Of course, it isn't appropriate to share negative things about one's partner with a beloved relative, but mentally disturbed abusers do especially when they know the family might like their partner more than them!  However, if a family member secretly doesn't like you, he or she isn't wishing you well.  They might even wish for the abuser to pay you back for the evil you possibly caused them as a result of telling their abusive relative personal things or disrespecting certain relatives whether they were right or wrong in the way they treated you.

As a child, I recall hearing an uncle smack his wife behind a cracked door for acting in a disrespectful way toward another relative.  The uncle gave his wife a severe tongue lashing about her behavior while she held her face and cried.  If she ever thought she could reach out to that relative for some help or to talk about her partner, that wasn't happening.  The one who caused her to get hit was grateful and had a smirk on her face whenever she acted like she was going to speak her mind, because she knew the uncle would hurt her.  Once I grew up, I realized the so-called disrespectful incident the victim supposedly did to the trouble-making relative was blown out of proportion, but the family member didn't like her and as far as I knew was never confronted about her exaggerating. 

Some victims are just as bad as abusers.  Sassy mouths, nasty ways, disrespectful body language, self-righteous comments, and more.  It isn't any wonder why an already physically violent man or woman would resort to violence.  Two hot heads will not get a long for long.  One or the other will say or do something that will cause an epic argument.  Then it is kiss, makeup, kiss again, argument, and then the cycle continues until someone wants to get off the merry-go-round once and for all.

The flying monkeys who support name-calling, fighting, taking money and gifts away, withholding sex, and doing others to control the victim know what works.  They have done it over the years to maintain control over their partners, sons and daughters.  If longevity is all one cares about when it comes to marriage, then manipulative tactics will be used to ensure that the relationship goes the distance even with emotional and physical abuse present.  However, one who desires some normalcy in a partnership will not resort to smear campaigns, abuse and other things while the abuser uses his or her relatives and friends to kill, steal and hurt the victim.

A person who sincerely loves you wouldn't enlist the help of minions/relatives/friends to wreck havoc on what is supposed to be a happy union.  The individual wouldn't get his/her mother to curse or look down on you, father to threaten you, or siblings to beat or harass you.  But people who are bent on getting their way and have little regard for others' feelings will not stop until someone is crying, fighting, cursing, and more.  Abusers will push and push until at times you look or behave as crazy as them!  If the victim appears like he or she is looking and doing well, despite a tense relationship with him/her, opposition from the family on both sides, and more from the abusive partner, little issues will turn into big issues due to a partner's jealousy and unsuccessful attempts at controlling you.  He or she can't stand the fact that you are content with your lifestyle in or outside of the relationship.

Those relatives and friends who actually like you will be forewarned that you have "issues" or are "crazy."  They will be told negative things about you so that you are never able to connect with others in the family in healthy ways.  When confronted on the abusive partner's negativity, he or she will claim, "I didn't mean anything by that...I was just mad.  I was just protecting you...I didn't want you to get hurt, but sorry if it happened.  You don't know how my family can be.  I love them, they have been there for me!"  These statements could be true to the abuser, but his or her reasoning doesn't make his or her actions or in-actions right.  Those who have had to stand up to relatives and friends know that when you have someone backing you, that is love.  But when they add to drama that gets you hurt, you have to wonder what is really going on with them?  An abuser most likely experienced much negativity growing up as to why he or she behaves so evilly with you at times.

The charming abuser is very good about creating smokescreens, false images of his or herself, and putting others down.  Religion is a great tool for abusive men and women, because what they do with it is present themselves to be good-hearted, sweet and kind while inside they fight with personal demons.  The true test of the abuser's faith is when he or she is confronted on wrong-doing.  There is no escaping what he or she said or done.  How so-called Christian might the abusive man or woman be then?  What kind of "real" fruit is on the individual's tree?  If they fight you at every turn, hate good and love evil, and do all kinds of things to shut you up, then the charming abuser is nothing more than a pretender, a backslider or downright evil.

What is done behind closed doors tends to surface when the following occurs: tests at family events, speaking with friends, observing the abuser's interaction with others, reading private emails and texts, and more.  The abuser always leaves a trail of his or her unhappiness despite smiling in public and appearing to be too-good-to-be-true.  Those around him or her are simply used to keep the manipulator's act going until he or she has a major falling out with them or they refuse to go along with his or her programming. 

Abusers and victims are good actors and actresses pretending that all is okay when it hasn't been for a long time.  But inside the mentally disturbed man or woman's world is much turmoil.  Appear to be too complacent, the jealous partner will be sure to say or do something to shake your world up.  Have more money and material assets and the covetous abuser will want more.  Get along well with your family and he or she will find fault with them.  Do good deeds or receive acts of kindness from others and the abuser will criticize.  Misery loves company.

Nicholl McGuire author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and other books.

Divorce Redemption- Victim of Abuse and Cheating Creates New Life

Wednesday

When Victims' Request Their Abusers' Approval, Validation or Opinion - Your Best Interest is Not of Concern

Why do people in relationships, who know that their mates lie, connive, cover-up, and do other sneaky things, expect them to come forth with the truth about things like:  their whereabouts, who they talk to, where they go after work, or who they know?

The writing is on the wall when it comes to answered prayer and what do victims do?  They act as if God hasn't shown them anything.  They retreat back into the world of lies.  These victims converse with their abusers about the facts in the hopes of feeling at peace with their partners' answers.  They hope that wrongdoings will be confessed, but it never happens.  Instead, what usually occurs is the abuser will do things like:  stone-wall, argue, defend, bad-mouth others, gas-light, blame, deny, or minimize the situation(s).

"Babe, it's not what you think.  You know I wouldn't do that...I really care about you.  Honey, we have been through so much, I have changed.  I would never hurt you.  Don't worry about it..."

So what does the one who labors to love an emotionally and/or physically abusive mate does?  He or she approves of what the abuser says.  "What else can I do?  I mean it is what it is."  And so it is business as usual while bitterness, jealousy, anger, resentment, and other wild emotions begin to take root.  The angry man or woman's statements are validated, his or her story-telling and comments are "Alright, Okay, Believable."  It is only a matter of time that what is in darkness will surely come to light.

A hard-hearted, stubborn, or hot-tempered victim is already caught in an emotional and/or physical trap that he or she feels is inescapable.  Picture a jail cell with all your favorite amenities, food, drinks, beautiful decor, entertainment, and more, but it is still a human cage.  So what does one do?  Be obedient to the one who holds the keys at least for a time.  If anyone comes by to visit the cage, the victim reports to the master.  If a Good Samaritan stops by with a gift, the master knows about it.  This is why it is so difficult to talk to men and women about emotional and physical abuse when it doesn't look or feel like it.  These victims don't cry out until pain is inflicted on them in the worse way.  Someone has to be physically beaten, called every name in the book repeatedly, a child sexually abused, money taken away, pending death, and more for some victims to see the light.

Years ago, I was told by concerned relatives about the way I was with partners "too caring, gullible...an easy mark."  They were right.  When I realized I was being played by these men, it was then when I wanted to yell, draw the line in the sand, flee relationships, etc.  But the truth had been looking me in my face from the day I laid eyes on a few of these men, yet I refused to deny my curiosity.  And as you know, curiosity killed the cat.  By the grace of God, I am still standing!

I always wanted to believe that what my partners told me was true and I put their words over discerning family and friends.  While the troubled men talked negatively about the messengers who told me things (which I should have kept to myself because it only made matters worse for me), I really wished on the inside that loved ones were wrong.  But they weren't and I reaped for years as a result of not listening to myself, God or those who had my best interests in mind.  After much money and time was all used up, I learned the hard way.

One of the ways victims become entangled in webs of deceit--controlled fantasy worlds--with mean-spirited men or women is they believe their lies, promises, and visions.  They are charmed with niceties.  These victims wholeheartedly fall for whatever stories are planted in their minds about whatever their abusers choose to tell them.

"My last girlfriend was crazy...My baby's mom doesn't know anything...My mother is a nutcase.  I hate my dad.  I am by myself, all alone--I need someone.  I will always love you.  I trust you.  You can't believe what your friends say, they are jealous of you."

Brainwashed victims rarely investigate what is being said to them because they don't want to destroy the illusion and admit to failure/mistakes.  They refuse to open their eyes and look around.  A relative said to me, "You wear rose-colored glasses.  That man has a dark side."  The same relative pointed out three men I knew who all had very evil ways about them.  Meanwhile, I gave her no clue as to what I was going through, she just knew.  Victims don't bother to listen to what others are saying to them.  They make excuses for their partners, lie for or about them, and keep much inside because they don't want to be judged for being a fool for love once again.   Rather, these men and women choose to look the other way, shoot the messengers, blame the Devil, and hope for the best.

For those of you who are laboring to love the emotionally and physically abusive men and women in your lives, know this, never shut out the truth no matter who gives it to you or where you find it! You saw what you saw.  You heard what you heard.  You felt what you felt.  Don't go along with an abuser's approval or disapproval of what you know, who you know, what you do, or where you go. Truth just might be waiting where you least expect it.

Chances are the controlling individual doesn't want you to do any snooping through electronic devices (at least those you know or don't know about), visiting or befriending others, background investigating, or anything more.  Troubled men and women who project their devious ways onto others always have something to hide.  They focus on the people, places and things around them when in your presence so that you don't see what they have hidden in plain view.  Abusers need to perpetuate their lies on to victims to keep them loyal while continuing to feed their selfish needs.

You can either play along while safeguarding your heart, gradually distance yourself emotionally and physically, or for those whose safety is in danger, get out before things get worse.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love Myself and other books.

Tuesday

Emotional Abuse and Psychological Violence

Welcome to this page...Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Thank you for stopping by.  If you are a first time visitor or have been following this blog for awhile now, I would personally like to say, "Welcome!"  This blog was created based on the book, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate by Nicholl McGuire back in 2007. 

For years, the blog content has been everything from spiritual abuse to domestic violence and other abusive issues in between.  You will find information about the psychological make-up of abusers by both laypersons and professionals.  In addition, you will be enlightened on various aspects of abuse and what you can do about it.

This is not a blog for the judgmental, the squeamish, or those who would like nothing more than to gossip about the content.  However, what this work accomplishes is what deceased victims, who have gone before us didn't, and that was an awakening to what goes on behind the closed doors of some relatives, friends, co-workers, and others.  What you see isn't always what you get.  What you believe isn't abuse just might be.

From tactics to manipulate, confuse, blame, or brainwash, an abuser is clever while smiling.  He doesn't always look like the creepy guy in a horror film walking on the side of the road or the guy you see staring off into space on a crowded bus.  He isn't always a "he" who abuses either.  Sometimes he is a she.  There are many types of abusers that fall in various social classes, come from a variety of backgrounds, and are quite skilled at making the public believe they are open, honest and true while partners, exes, parents, children, and others no different.

I have spent years studying personally and professionally these deceptive men and women who believe themselves to be quite loving, kind, and more, but the truth of the matter is that many have been through much trauma over the years that has never been dealt with spiritually, mentally and/or physically.  Their minds warped, their stories twisted, their line of reasoning disturbing, and their spiritual belief system false.

Not everyone is meant to be married or in a relationship, have children, assist others, and do more, yet they try anyway and miserably fail.  We can't make a round peg fit in a square hole, my friends.  In other words, there is no forcing something that was never meant to be or trying to make a witch look like a fairy godmother or a narcissist look like a Prince Charming.  People who labor to love abusive mates often deceive themselves and others. 

Laboring to love emotionally and physically abusive individuals is a daily work that requires much sacrifice of money, time, patience, and more.  If an abuser is emotionally unavailable, you are forcing something that is not going to work in the long term.  If he or she is filled with envy, hatred, and fights every time you say something is wrong, be prepared to spend most of your life verbally or physically battling with such a person.  Love was never meant to be like slave labor, but victims work and feel like slaves in these relationships!

It is my personal belief that troubled men and women in such tiresome, emotionally and physically draining relationships will be set free based on their hearts' desire--only God really knows that!  Allow this blog to give you the knowledge, understanding, and protection you need to stand up for yourself and protect those around you.  Feel free to subscribe, share or comment.

Nicholl McGuire
YouTube channel: nmenterprise7
Twitter @nichollmcguire
Also on Pin Interest, Stumble Upon and other social sites around the web.

Sunday

Men with Sexual Addictions - No Boundaries When it Comes to Getting Needs Met

For some addicts who love their porn, women, alcohol, drugs, and anything else that makes them feel good, they just don't have any boundaries.  They will not deny themselves most perverted pleasures. Many of these individuals have to try something at least once, walk on the wild side or sow their oats.

If these sexual addicts want sex with a girl, boy, woman, man, or even an animal, they are open to it. If they want to do drugs or drink alcohol with minors and others who are up to whatever, they will wait for the intoxicated person to let his or her guard down and take advantage.  Meanwhile, the gullible is deceived into thinking that the porn addict's interest is merely restricted to printed magazines and DVDs and partying with buddies periodically, but the emotions and sexual needs are frequent, and if not satisfied, they tend to show up in ways that leave any discerning individual uncomfortable, worried about what more might be going on with the addict, etc.

While parents worry about influences outside the home and "stranger danger" signs, most sexual abuse issues occur within the home and with people the child knows.  A covert sexually perverted boyfriend, husband, or some other relative gradually takes interest in physical contact with a young female living in the home or visiting.  Everything appears harmless and friendly at first until the girl starts sharing stories of sitting on a loved one's lap often, how he often kisses her or touches her body, wrestling with him or playing "fun" games, watching him view "weird, funny, nasty" things on a computer, etc.  Addicts don't see that what they are doing is hurting those around them until they are abused themselves, divorced, jobless, childless, jailed, etc. and for some, even after they have experienced some of these things, they will still reason that what they were doing or saying to a child wasn't that bad and everyone is blowing stuff out of proportion in their view.

A busy mom, who has little time, a short attention span, and just would never think such things, repeatedly ignores the early warning sexual abuse signs that a relative or friend is getting insatiable desires met through perverted play with her child.  She makes excuses for what she sees.  She scolds, ignores, or curses those who come to her with disheartening stories about her abusive mate.  She doesn't bother to change routines.  She avoids spying on the man or checking in on her children when they are with him.  She gaslights/reframes or denies what she knows to be true.  She defends, praises, and covers up things the perverted man does and pretends as if her home is a happy one when others know differently.  She falsely believes that her alone is sexually fulfilling for her perverted mate.

If you hear, see, or know of something a bit odd occurring in the family home with a so-called "good or nice guy with a love for porn and other sexy things," drop a hint, share a story, leave a note, but do something to alert the unsuspecting.  The more awareness you bring to a subject matter, the more likely the perpetrator will stop the abuse at least with one victim.  Whether the perverted person is a beloved husband, father, uncle, family friend, cousin, sibling, or a pillar in the community, speak up!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Friday

"Dont Get Fooled Again" Red Flags of Narcissist Relationships by Spartan Life Coach

Family Covenant Legacy

Families are maintained among believers in The Lord. Psalm 128:5 states "The LORD bless you from Zion". Zion is the city of God, but fathers in families take them there for worship (Hebrews 12:22). Families should be part of a spiritual maintenance program where they continually meet God to stay as one fully affirmed. Fixing America and all the toxicity in society starts in the home. Prosperity,love,honor, peace, and spiritual health are the extended rewards of a family under God. Leading by faith means doing all you can consistently to remain in God's provisions.

I can testify on my behalf that I grew up in a very broken, emotional, penal, volatile, conflicted, and abusive environment from the time I was 6 until my parents split for 8 years and then for 3 years after they got back together. I paid for it socially and even in subconscious dream patterns psychologically with adverse desires which became my tailor made problems. I found myself for plenty of seasons making up for their mistakes, managing their challenges, playing the referee, being a mediator, and sacrificing the best for me to care and worry about them.  My family is recovering, though at times I feel the progress won't make positive, persistent changes. However, I trust God that I won't be a casualty of a permanently broken family with no legacy.

In Genesis, I've studied, read, and examined the patterns of destiny, purpose, and legacies left through many genealogies that existed from Adam and Eve,  Noah, Abraham, and others. There were only but a few God made covenant with that had true dominion. Lot was able to transfer his faithfulness so no one could preserve his culture. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob passed on real faith. Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed over a lack of genuine righteousness. It wasn't limited to it just being about homosexuality in the culture of men having relations together. Today we need a generation of mentoring surrogates to restore the true majesty of what makes a true man and woman of God as well as children. They need what 2 Timothy says about the work of sound taught doctrine and Scripture.


Anthony Tyus, Guest Blogger

Thursday

The "I Was Drunk" Excuse - An Abuser's Pass to Hurt You Again

One's partner/boyfriend/spouse will one day be drunk soon and the excuse as to why he or she hurt you yet again will be, "I was drunk..."  Cheating, lying, kicking, slapping, choking, verbal insults, and other abusive things occur between some drunks and their victims.  So what does one do about it? Well for victims they stay.  Safety isn't high on their priority list because usually the next day, the drunk is back to his or her normal self.  The victims see their partners the next morning, when they appear to be somewhat coherent, and they either act like fools hurling insults about the night before, breaking things out of frustration, slamming doors, using silent treatment, bad-mouthing about the drunk to family and friends, etc. while excusing the behavior by staying.  Others might think deeply about why they tolerate the abusive drunks in their households for days, weeks, months, or even years while contemplating ending the relationship.

If one is serious about disconnecting from someone, who is creating more problems than solving them, then it would make sense to start creating some distance.  From canceling joint accounts, ventures, and future plans to making arrangements to move out, the victim must one day say, "Enough is enough!"  An abuser who is determined to make a relationship work will get necessary help, but one, who could care less about his or her self and family, will continue to act as if everything is okay and all is under control.

A drunk, violent man or woman that truly wants to change will recognize what is happening in and around him or her and how his or her actions might be affecting others.  But until the alcoholic is certain he or she wants to make immediate changes, there will always be the excuse, "I was drunk...You know I didn't mean it...Things happen when you're drunk...So what I said/did whatever, so what are you going to do about it?  You remember when you did...Why are you always on my back?"

A person will only go as far as you will let him or her when it comes to abuse.  So the more you give an alcoholic abuser a pass on his or her evil ways, the more the individual will assume you are okay with how he or she behaves and will continue.

May God be with those who live with people who drink to get drunk this weekend and every weekend.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Saturday

In the Ambulance I Couldn't Cry - In Love with an Abuser

The paramedics escorted me out of our two-story apartment complex after six police officers were in the other room with the man I still loved.  Although my arm was burnt from the pain of the iron (get book Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate for details), I still cared about him.  I knew that it was over, it was really over this time.  I took a breath, I felt the rage still boiling on the inside--my whole body was hot.  I moved quick--quicker than I ever had in years, adrenaline rush through my body I felt like I could lift anything.  How does a bright, young lady get herself mixed up with a former convict who still had skeletons in his closet?

I walked with one paramedic along side of me and the other in front.  I was still so angry that I couldn't rejoice over the fact that I came out alive!  I mean I had just been wrestling with a man who weighed over 200 pounds and stood at about six foot.  A mere 5'3" weighing less than a 120 pounds, I climbed up into the ambulance.  I couldn't smile, laugh, and I barely spoke.  "Crazy," I thought to myself.  "So crazy."  It wasn't like I didn't know something bad was going to happen, I had a dream.  I saw my gravestone, but I didn't die.  God's mercy.

What I thought was love looking back was pity.  I believe the emotional connection I had with that man was an illusion.  It was a fantasy I created of what I had hoped he would become.  I was in love with a man called, "Mr. Potential."  My abuser wasn't him, he didn't come close!  But prayer was supposed to help solve that issue.  I prayed silently as the ambulance sped over pot holes.  I sat upright looking around.  "So this is what it's like riding in an ambulance?  I'm glad I'm not lying down,"  I thought.  The paramedic speaking to me was moving lips and I couldn't hear what he (or possibly she) was saying.  Still in some kind of brain fog, I just wanted it all to be over with.  But the drama was just beginning. I had to move.  I called the landlord to tell him what happened and if he could release me from the lease, he did.  "No problem, take care," he said.

A neighbor had called the police.  He was finally going to get his peace.  So there was a residential move ahead for me.  Within hours, in much pain (my arm ached) and with some help, I moved all my things out the residence.  My abuser was in jail and he would be getting out by 11:00 p.m. that night.  A few days later I was due to have surgery on my arm.  I can't recall how many days went by, but it seemed rather quick, I had to show up for a hearing. Months later I would have my day in court and there he was looking at me as if he could kill me.  After that emotional ordeal, there was a grief process. Then domestic violence counselors checking in with me (they had showed up at the hospital prior to and then after my surgery).  I had spent time at home with parents for months.  Within the same year (this happened 1996-97), I was finally to myself.  There was the periodic worry over how would the next man be who would take interest in me.

Are you being abused?

Do you want to ride in an ambulance?  If so, continue messing with that angry man and you will get it!  Hopefully, you will live to tell your story.  And just a friendly warning to those of you who still believe in the romantic dream, an Easter service at a local church is not going to make a difference.  He will have to want to change and it won't happen overnight.  Chances are God has been talking a long time to that hot-tempered man and he has been turning a deaf ear to Him.  Sometimes it takes much for a man to want to change, but depending on how set in his ways he is, he might not ever change!

Focus on you, love yourself, and take care of you!  You matter!  You need Jesus!  Walk with Him and leave your past behind you.  God bless. 

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Friday

When The Abuser Has the Children and He Still Attempts to Control from Afar

The angry man won, got the children and now he plays the victim role.  His charm deceived the judge, the counselor, and anyone else who he could convince that his children's mother was crazy. But those of us who have been victims of emotional and physical abuse, no different.  Even if a mother is mad, he took part in the systematic breaking down of her mind, body and spirit over period of time--her family could attest to it.  "Before she met him, she was such a nice person..."  This is why it is so crucial to get out of bad relationships before your mind can't take another insult or threat. The evil that some do will wear on you and then one day you are saying and doing some things you wish you hadn't.

The abuser's lies, exaggerations, and the stories of "What she did to me..." are heard by anyone who says, "Where is the mother?  What happened between you and the mother?  What caused the separation/divorce?"  He has told his version of the story so many times to the point that he is a natural--an actor who could when a Tony award for his fake tears and shaky voice.  His lovers fall for it everytime.  "Oh poor babe, it's okay, I'm hear for you, I will help you with the children...," says the gullible.  Another victim in the making.

But we reap what we sow, don't we?  Did you listen to that inner voice long ago, when the warning went something like, "Take it slow, you don't know him.  He is fake, he doesn't really love you.   He is cheating on you.  He cares about no one but himself.  He is a liar.  He is using you for your money..."  Then you have to go through the fire to realize, "He really isn't The One!"  But the good news is, just as you had to endure pain all those years emotionally, physically or both, the abuser's days of reaping may have come, are still ongoing, or about to come depending on the God you serve. Some battles are not fought in the natural.  People will see the truth.  I know it doesn't seem that way right now with some of you readers, but keep watching the movie.  Those who are discerning will see why the relationship was doomed from the start.  The abuser and those who are connected to him and supporting his evil ways will experience pain.  They will feel as if they are going crazy too--they might even lose it.

Not every mother, who doesn't have sole custody or any custody of her children, is a bad mother.  But a calculating abuser knows how to play the system just like a mother does when she wants her children.  So the abuser thinks that being awarded children is a win for him while mom suffers, but little does he know.

To every person who is about to enter a situation like this, know that whatever the outcome you are not a loser, you are a winner--you have freedom!  Of course, the abuser will attempt to use mind manipulation from a distance to control you, but when you recognize the tactics, guard your heart and mind.  Anyone or anything he can use to make you mad, he will, because you got away!  Here's what you do:

1.  Focus on achieving your goals.  There is little time to pick up the phone, listen to the cries of children or formulate a script on how you are okay with everything that has happened.

2.  Get into survival mode.  Just like you went through the birthing process, something no man has ever gone through, you had to at some point disassociate from the pain and focus on the purpose, you will do the same with this situation.  You will breathe through every pain (insult, threat, negative behavior, manipulative deeds, etc. that you notice with the abuser.  You will breathe for every time those awful things come to mind and you will push it out of your system by clearing your mind and tending to whatever or whoever makes you happy.  Substance abuse will not do it like the drugs some of you were given during birth, they eventually wear off, now what?  You moved on, didn't you?

3.  He will lie, you will hear about it.  He will choose a new partner.  He will get more or less money.  He will look as if everything is okay, alright and fine.  And you will tell yourself until you believe it, "I don't care.  I really don't care.  I care about my children.  They will need me sooner or later.  I will embrace opportunities to see my children.  I will pray.  I will watch God work.  I will trust in Him.  He will shame and disgrace my enemy for fighting with me when there was no fight.  I chose to stop fighting him in mind, body and spirit."  Say these things to yourself.

4.  See him as another pain, an enemy, not what you use to see him as a husband/friend/lover.  He doesn't care about you.  As long as you see hope in that man and everything that drew you to him in the first place, you will suffer.  Your mind will spiral out of control and you will find yourself behaving like you are everything he said about you, "Crazy, insane, dumb, stupid, b*tch..."  Is that what you want, mother?  Are you any of those things?  No!  You are a loving, kind, sweet, unique, person fearfully and wonderfully made by your Creator!  Walk in that truth, believe it!

5.  Realize what you did in choosing someone like him and go back in time.  How did you arrive at being with this abuser?  Direct your attention on your personal weaknesses not his or anyone else's. Turn your past over to your Creator.  Seek professional counseling if need be.  Don't medicate unless absolutely necessary or change certain drugs that are no longer benefiting you or your situation. There are side effects to drugs and sometimes they will cause you to do and say crazy things.

6.  Request the help of family, friends, police authority, school officials, and those near and around your children to watch out for them.  Be in contact with children via letters, email, text, through their friends, an attorney, and any other way you can do so legally.  If this is an issue and you can't do any of these things, do what you can to clean up your situation.  Then start documenting everything you know about the individual.  Run periodic background checks on him and his connections.  Hire a private investigator, if necessary, when there are major issues related to children and then sit back and wait for results.  Consult with police and attorney only if the individual is acting in ways that put your children's health and well-being at risk.  The abuser is not permitted to alienate you from seeing your children and you can take him to court for that.  Look up parental alienation.  Be sure you document every violation.  Save all receipts of things you have bought for children and list any money you and relatives have given them.

7.  Build alliances with jilted lovers if it should help your parenting issues.  Also, be in contact with disgruntled mutual friends and concerned relatives on his side only if it will help you in the long-term.  Listen more, talk less and jot down what they say.  If they are no help, say goodbye to his possible spies.

8.  Ignore his phone calls when it doesn't have anything to do with children.  Also, you may want to stop commenting or leaving any messages (even good ones) about children on his phone.  For some reason, there are those narcissistic types who will reach out, but then when they get just enough supply (attention), they go back to treating individuals (mom and children) with disrespect i.e.) ignoring, bad-mouthing, lying, etc.

9.  Avoid discussion with his mother, siblings and others about him and your plans for the children whether you are close or not, the truth is that one day when you rub them the wrong way concerning your ex, they will mark you anyway and will only repeat everything you said to him.  They might even help them financially sue you!

10.  When he is playing mind games, using the children like putting them on the phone when they are crying, cursing about them, or threatening to do this or that, you can always say, "I am available to take them off your hands."  He will think about it and most likely won't do it.  Then you say something like, "In the future if you and the children are acting emotional over the phone or you just want to drop them off because you are just tired of them, I will not be available."  Set up a visitation plan if you don't already have one.  If you aren't divorced yet, consider a marital separation agreement an include a parenting plan/schedule with it if you don't want to go to court.  But keep in mind, he can always turn around and sue you for the children.  

Take care of yourself.  The blessings are sure to come.  Be in good health and prosper!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Wednesday

How to Know When Your Partner is Getting in Your Head through Intimidation

The abusive man or woman vents, throws things, breaks treasured items, stares you down, or threatens to beat you down.  The more he or she does this, the more worried you become.  You walk on egg shells, worried that one of these days he is going to take out his or her anger on your face and other places on your body.

For some of you reading this, you think, "Who lives this way?"  No one goes into any relationship hoping to get scared straight to suit someone else's demands.  Situations like this begin like a cat and mouse game. The cat sees the mouse and watches his or her every move before he goes in for the kill. For days, weeks, months, or even years, the abusive man or woman spent time learning how to get into the head of his or her so-called partner/soul mate/sweetie/babe.

When a lover was weak due to a major upset in the family, his or her hot-tempered partner was there to uplift. When money was short and bills were due, the controlling man or woman took care of his or her lover's responsibilities.  When time was short and no one could be called upon, not even parents, the abuser was there.  He or she earned a significant role in a victim's life while family and friends were too busy to see anything.  Therefore, because of all of what the abuser has done in that victim's life for not only her, but possibly family and friends too, the victim will pay over and over again.  There will always be some need of an abuser that a victim will feel obligated to fill.  When he or she can't meet the need, the individual will look outside the home for someone else to help him or her meet the need of that mean-spirited controlling wife or husband.

The abuser never looks as bad as he or she does to family and friends.  Instead, the angry man or woman's reputation is protected by the victim, "It isn't so bad...really is a good guy...she means well...she just loves me a lot...cares much about the family."  While the victim deceives his or herself, others know differently and don't bother dealing with the couple much, because they don't want to be subjected to their drama.

Most abusers are innately selfish people who pretend to be generous.  They really could care less about the people in their lives especially when loved ones can't assist them as much as they would like.   These broken men and women, who were abused during childhood, have personality disorders and other issues, take their pain out on others.  Since many abusers are well-aware it isn't acceptable to kick, slap, choke or do anything else to partners when they are angry, they use threatening behaviors.  They make their victims so scared they won't do much else but listen and do--no questions asked.

The intimidating stare was used early on in the relationship when the abuser didn't like something his or her date said or did.  So the date accommodated the partner by doing what he or she thought would appease him or her.  Then it was the repeated yelling during arguments which frightened some dates to the point that their nerves were often on edge.  Sometimes the throwing or smashing things from an abuser made victims act like robots for fear that they might be next.  Veteran victims, who have been in relationships like this for a long time might not be as scared, but they are often worried particularly when there is a weapon in the home that the abuser periodically likes to take out and clean.

If any of this describes you, chances are you have found a way to cope in the relationship.  However, don't blame others for your sudden mood swings, quick-temper, and nervousness, you are living with someone who has been using intimidating tactics for years to keep you close and obedient.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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