"Why didn't you wash the dishes, honey? You said you were going to do them. I am trying to keep the place neat and clean, so I could really use your help around here." the victim says. The dishes go unwashed and other things aren't done, because the selfish and vengeful man doesn't feel his partner deserves his help. He recalls the other day when she did something that upset him. "Eye for an eye," he thinks.
Being with someone who is quick to blame you for things is emotionally and physically draining. You find yourself having to defend your every word and deed. Whether you have done something you consider kind for someone or good for you, mean-spirited men and women will always find fault with it and some how blame you when they don't feel comfortable about your actions.
Those, who labor to love abusive, controlling or jealous types, learn what buttons not to push. Sometimes their efforts fail, but most often they go the distance in their relationships, because they have learned over decades how to respond when their hot-tempered partners are having one of those days. An older woman, married to a controlling spouse for many years, once told me, "I don't react when I know my husband is angry about something. I know to leave the room, go out of my home, or do something else." A widow, who had been repeatedly beaten in her relationship, said, "I would tend to the kids. I didn't talk back to him. I kept my mouth shut. Sometimes that worked." Yet, no matter what you say or do, when a violent or emotionally abusive man or woman is determined to blame you for something that is bothering him or her it becomes a losing battle.
In order to stay mentally strong in crazy-making situations, you have to tell yourself, "I am not at fault. I will not take the blame. I don't care what he says, I know what I do." Of course, if you were to say this aloud to the abuser, it would only infuriate him or her.
You are not to blame for a partner's shortcomings and you don't have to say things over and over again to prove your points either. If you are unhappy having to defend yourself over and over again to this controlling person, it is time to think strongly about doing something different to bring you the love, peace and happiness you so crave.
Nicholl McGuire former victim, survivor for over 20 plus years. Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. She shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7