Thursday

Woman: Are You a Hostage in Your Own Home to Your Man's Desires?

Every time you want to do something different with your life, he has a comment that keeps you from doing what you really want to do.  You take two steps forward, he finds a way to make you take two steps back.  He uses "lack of money for the household" or "not enough time" as excuses to keep you where you are--with him.  He frequently tells you of his so-called work, mental and spiritual challenges to keep you feeling sorry for him. From the looks of things, he seems to be doing well enough financially that he could actually live without you.

You thought that living together would be a benefit to the both of you, but it seems he is the only one who is getting the most benefit out of it.  When you protest about your observations, he finds a way to put you back in your place.  When you cry, he gets you a tissue.  When you go to bed early, he taps you on the shoulder for some sex.  You question, "What have I got myself into?"  Good, sleeping beauty, you are finally awake.

It takes some women a few months, a few years, or a lifetime to figure out that everything they ever done while being with their controlling men was manipulated in some way.  If she thought her thoughts, ideas and lifestyle was all her own, she has another thing coming!  She wanted to go back to school, he found a way to talk her out of it.  She tried to break up with him, he found a way to get her back.  She wanted to move into a house, he told her, "We will stay in this apartment."  She wasn't interested in his hobbies, he found a way to get her to assist.  She wasn't quite ready for children, he insisted that he wasn't using a condom or getting snipped. 

There is compromising and then there is controlling.  If I propose something to you to make our lives better, then I should also be open to your proposal to make our lives better.  Instead, the weak-minded woman will go along just to get along rarely pushing any of her ideas.  She tells herself, "Well , maybe he has a point."  She learns to keep her mouth shut and let the man lead at all times.  Some men have took the biblical passages on submission and ran with them to the point that a woman has no voice in their home!  If she should speak up, then she is like a leaky faucet, he reminds her.  The controlling man even knows how to use the Bible to benefit his desires.

So like a prisoner, she does her time.  The only thing that keeps her semi-sane is her self talk about, "Staying positive...not making him angry...and he is such a good man."  Some of these women pass their dysfunction on to unsuspecting daughters.  "Now just hear him out.  He is just trying to help you.  He is like your dad and you know your dad has always been a good provider."  The broken woman comes out of her corner of the boxing ring, ready to fight again.  Her mother's so-called encouraging talk doesn't suffice.  At some point, the broken woman becomes a strong woman and finds herself looking for a knock-out!

There is a window of escape in every relationship.  Let me write that again, there is a window of escape in every relationship!  Someone out there in cyber-world needs to know that!  You just have to look for the opportunity and take it!  At first, you will not want to.  You will talk yourself into staying with the controlling man for reasons like:  home, children, and money.  However, be forewarned that the longer you stay, the more likely you will either suppress who you are or will keep fighting with him for your freedom.  Neither outcome is good and unfortunately some women lose their freedom or worse their lives for staying past their expiration date to leave!  Don't let it happen to you!

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Amazon.com

Tuesday

He Keeps Lying, You Keep Believing Him

What are your boundaries when it comes to relating to your partner?  What will you believe and what won't you?  Questions like this and others are what I ask to those women (and men)  who keep accepting a story from a partner that just doesn't make any sense.  You may be the one in the group who keeps experiencing head and/or stomach upset, because a partner repeatedly tells you one thing and does another.  Then when this partner is confronted with yet another lie, he or she tries to convince you that "you are mistaken" or "don't know what you are talking about."

Can I just say that this kind of relationship is mentally draining and will one day lead to someone physically abusing someone.  No one on the face of this earth who has even a little bit of dignity is going to keep on listening to a liar.  He or she will find a way to either distance his or herself from the liar or worse clobber him or her with their fists.

The frustration, tears, anger and yelling begin to take their toll.  "How many times will you keep lying to me?  What do you take me for? A fool?  You are such a liar!  Why do I keep believing you?"  Liars work hard to try to keep their stories in line, but there will be times when they will slip up.  I recall a time when my gut feeling told me that a former partner of mine was not where he claimed he was supposed to be the whole time, but went elsewhere.  When I confronted him about this, he stammered somewhat, then looked away from me, and calmly claimed he was where he had told me the whole time.  I couldn't prove anything and he knew I couldn't, so I didn't press him anymore about what my gut had been telling me about him.  I never believed anything he said from that point on, I had a liar on my hands and at one time I told him so.  To that, he said, "Well, how can we have a relationship if you don't trust me?"  He was right.  Gradually, I distanced myself from him emotionally and later physically.

Liars say they love you when they don't.  They say they will marry you then they don't.  They say they will be leaving from a job at a particular time knowing that they will be leaving earlier or later depending on their plans.  Liars will say they were at one place, but you find out later they went to two or three other places.  They always have an excuse, reason,  talk too much, or talk too little.

While the liar keeps lying to his wife and/or girlfriend, she keeps making herself believe him.  Her desire for happiness is much greater than the truth.  Her need for a man is much greater than the truth.  Her pride is bigger than the truth.  All she wants is whatever she has set in her mind to want from the man and although she says she wants honesty, she doesn't act like it.  This is why you can't tell your friend whose man is cheating on her the truth, she most likely won't believe you anyway especially if her man is a master liar.

Stay in a relationship with a liar long enough and your anger might take hold of you one day.   Before you know it, you may end up doing something you will later regret.  Make up in your mind today that you will either confront your mate with the truth demand that he keep his word and if not, you walk away no exceptions!  But whatever you decide to do, don't be anyone's fool!

Nicholl McGuire
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

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