Wednesday

6 Signs You Are Out Of Your Mind in a Relationship

There comes a point when you have been in an abusive relationship far too long and it doesn't matter what others think, you are going to argue, defend, lie, and even physically assault someone about your man/woman.  When you find yourself acting out of rage when someone is only trying to help, you are out of your mind!  For some reading this, someone may have even said, "You are crazy...what do you see in him?  Why do you put up with her, well you must be out of your mind, because I could never..." 

A person in an abusive relationship has to one day look at that one in the mirror and come to the realization that he or she is in fact out of his or her mind to keep permitting someone to physically or verbally abuse, cheat, lie, steal, connive and do other evil things against he or she and his or her family.

So how do you know, you are out of your mind in what you might consider a normal relationship?

1.  You argue more than you talk to one another and it is often about things that really should be no argument.  For instance, like caring for a child, cleaning up a mess he/she created, respecting one's space, or not cheating.  If one fails to care for a child, anyone knows what kind of problems that would bring.  If you don't keep a house clean, there are consequences too.  If someone keeps cheating on another, before long law enforcement might be involved.  So why would these topics be an issue?  Why do you have to keep arguing why something is right and something is wrong when there is enough evidence to show otherwise?  Someone is sick in the mind.

2.  You support a partner on things that you know go against the law, morals, and hurt others including yourself.  Anything you do for someone that is going to possibly cost you your job or worse your life in time, is not worth it.  But if you find yourself reasoning away why something is right and ignoring all wisdom, consider yourself losing it.

3.  You lie to people you claim you love.  In the past you might have said, "I would never lie to you."  Not only is something wrong in your relationship, but many will deem you as untrustworthy.

4.  You fight with best friends, relatives, and others over things you know are wrong regarding your mate.
Is defending someone who often makes you sad, angry or confused really worth losing your support system who could one day be responsible for helping you escape your miserable relationship?  Better make friends fast, apologize, and seek those who sincerely love and care for you before they all turn their backs on you.

5.  You ignore or isolate yourself from others when you secretly want to have a healthy relationship with certain individuals.  Your partner often finds fault with everyone that you know and you allow his or her negativity to permeate your ears.  Consider this, that one you love so much and bend over backwards for isn't promised to live long.  Then what will you do?  Leaning on those you love might be too late.

6.  You cry often and nurse your wounds while reasoning, "I shouldn't have...I could have...why did I...?"  Some men and women tip toe around a tempermental spouse while saying, "I just want him to feel comfortable, I mean I could do some things better."  However, these same individuals wouldn't go out of their way to help others, rather they would  walk boldly around everyone else.  When the angry partner hits, slaps, punches, pushes, name-calls, chokes, kicks, or does something else, the victim will most likely justify the mate's foolishness inside his or her head while taking her issues out on fellow workers, church members, relatives, and others.  Don't blame yourself or those divinely appointed to help you, get some help!  Taking your anger out on others will not solve your issues and being argumentative with a partner or others won't help your situation either.

Let's face your  reality for a moment, you fallen in love with someone who has a mental illness of sorts.  It happens to many people who just want to be loved.  Whether your partner has some type of mood disorder, multiple personalities, or physically ill (yet the illnesss is starting to affect his or her mind) this person is troubled and you aren't Jesus!  Even the Divine One called us to be free!

Until we all come to grips that people aren't lost pets and we can't take them into our lives and comfort them without paying a heavy price, there will always be someone who reasons that it's okay to stay in an abusive relationship whether he or she is a member of the church of God or Satan or neither.  Start the journey today toward your freedom!  Take baby steps, gradually wean yourself away from an abusive partner.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate which can be found on the right side of this web page.  Thanks for reading!

Teen Dating Violence

A new study on teen dating violence shows that later in life those who experienced bad relationships when young will most likely have substance abuse issues and other problems during adult years.  Parents pay attention to your children especially when a certain boy or girl's name keeps coming up!

See here:  http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/12/07/teen-dating-violence-pediatrics/1749105/ or click here.

Thursday

Take a Walk in a Victim's Shoes or Could You Be a Victim

This website identifies the character of an abuser, but what is especially helpful are the comments.  To those of you who date, don't be so quick to accept any man or woman who seems to get close to you quickly (ie. less than a year).  He or she makes plans for the future (within weeks of knowing you), starts living over your home (within months --practically pushing his or her self on you), and desires to do much for you even when you can do for yourself.  Chances are, this person has some lingering emotional issues that have yet to show up.

The Miracle Principle

Wednesday

You Don’t Love Him, You Just Don’t Want Anyone Else to Have Him




Not ready to let go of a man who name-calls, hits, slams doors, and curses you when he doesn’t like what you say or do, why?  Well, for some women they simply stay because, “I’m not letting that b*tch he’s sleeping with have him!  He is the father of my kids,” says the abused woman.  Meanwhile, “the b*tch doesn’t “want” him, because she already had him and she isn’t much fond of him,” says her friend.

You can clearly see from the opening paragraph there is dysfunction, illogical reasoning, and unnecessary drama.  But if you try to talk to someone who is going through something similar or if you are that person, there is no telling you that a man who cheats and disrespects you is not worth keeping.  Instead, you have to one day have an epiphany and realize that you can move on with your life without him.  Now presently your circumstances might not permit a mad dash for the door, but the idea is to start making your way to the door.  

Come up with a plan to make your transition into your new world easier.  This might mean additional employment, more help from relatives and friends, a relocation, or law enforcement involvement.  Whatever it is that you might need, know this, you don’t have to ever put up with foolishness.  You have not been put on this planet for someone to wipe his or her feet on you with lies, cover-ups, false accusations, abuse, and more!  

Pick your head up my sister and look beyond the natural, see yourself the way God sees you!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself, both on Amazon.com

Monday

When You Distrust Him/Her/Them: Test the Spirits

Being in a relationship that is headed for break up isn't easy especially when children, finances, and other people and things are involved.  But people who have been victims or survivors of domestic violence know that the fight for freedom is well worth it and some battles you will win and others you might lose.  Your abusive partner might have a long history of lying, cheating and stealing whether the situations were little or big, his or her integrity is put into question often.  When feelings like this surface, you will need to test the spirits.

People will claim that they love, trust, care, and want a future with you, but if deep inside you aren't convinced, it's time to get your hands dirty, it's time to ask the hard questions.   A partner or relative may or may not react negatively to your tests.  But you will never know about one's heart, true intentions, or thoughts when you have a closed mouth.  I learned this the hard way.  Having spent years listening to a partner's lies, exaggerations, half-truths, name-calling, and blaming statements, I realized that one who is controlling or has been controlled by a mother, former girlfriends, etc. will not permit you into his or her world with questions.  This often troubled, jealous, or hurt individual wants people around him to just go along with his every move, believe he is always telling the truth (even when at times he doesn't), and never wants you to talk to those around him for fear you might inquire about what is really going on with him despite his deceiving behavior.

"Don't ask me about that...I resent you saying I did...Why would you question me on this?   You don't believe me...!"  He yells.  "No!" she yells back. "Because if I was to list the many times you tried to pull a fast one, we would be arguing all night. So when I question you on something, don't act like you are so righteous!"

When manipulators are right and have finally told the truth (at least for once in their lives), or are acting better than they had in the past, they make mountains out of mole hills.  "Look, look, I didn't lie, I told the truth!"  He tells everyone he knows.  "She doesn't trust me, I don't know why she gives me a hard time!"  The liar never bothers to think about his long history of mean, deceitful or antagonizing behaviors--he wants witnesses to forget about those times.  He also doesn't analyze his own emotions and why he does what he does and says what he says.  He simply blames the woman, children, job, etc.--it's always the other person in his world.  Just maybe he has a mental disorder, has issues with forgiveness, need Jesus, and fails at making wrongs right, only time will tell.

Now after he has given you stories of "how you are a #$%^& or you act like a @#$%^," most likely, someone or a group knows some things, if not everything, about the relationship.  When you come around these individuals they act as if nothing is wrong.  Someone may even say or do something that makes you think, "What was that for?  Why did she say and do that?"  Test these relatives and friends, can you trust them with information, children, or assistance?

This testing period is crucial especially if you plan on marrying one day--I know that for some readers they would think, "Why would someone marry knowing all this about a partner?  But people do.  Think of people in your own family who gave a partner the pass and married anyway and remained together for years.

Anyway, why would you permit others to witness your big day when you know there are far too many haters looking at you and him with dislike, and besides is this person doing more good than evil these days?  A long history of fussing, cussing, back-biting, and more will put a bitter taste in anyone's mouth, so if you suspect people are treating you differently than they use to, test them.  Now you don't want to bad-mouth your partner if you are seeking specific information, so you can test people simply by talking about things that interest them and how might you assist them.  This will open a door of trust between you and they.  In time, you can then make general statements like, "I need you to pray for me...or I am concerned about some things...I sometimes feel bad about..."  of course this opens the door for them to say, "Well, what bothers you?"  Don't reveal too much, keep the conversation about self, children, future, and more, but avoid blatantly talking about your partner's character to others (especially if your situation is abusive).

Keep in mind, family and friends will try to draw you into a conversation of gossip and bad-mouthing about your partner, don't let them.  (Remember you are seeking information that your partner isn't giving you from this person, but sometimes you have to give up a little to get a lot!)  Ask for advice from the relative or friend you are testing, not because you will take it, just because it puts the person listening in a position where they are giving up something too.  They most likely will not want you to say or mention anything about what was said to your partner or another relative and vice versa, so shake on your agreement to keep things confidential.  If you should notice something strange, since your conversation with the relative or friend, or the person doesn't act like he or she cares or likes you, you know where you stand with him or her.  Don't tell them anything else about you, children, life, etc.  Sometimes relatives and friends will stay loyal for all the wrong reasons to an abuser, and as a result, sooner or later they will feel bad about their actions or in-actions--let God deal with them if you have a faith--for he says, "Vengeance is mine!"

When you distrust a partner, loved one, even a stranger, test the spirits!  It doesn't pay to stay up late at night wondering if someone is being honest with you especially when you know he or she isn't acting very nice, caring or honest lately with his or her feelings or actions.  Simply ask a question. He or she might react over-the-top, "How dare you ask me about that?"  But at least you know that what is in the heart will come out the mouth!  The over reaction displayed from a partner could be coming from a place of hurt, bitterness, confusion, or a cover up for other things.  He or she will lack self control in the hopes that you will feel intimidated and won't ask anymore questions in the future--don't fall for this!  If he or she curses without hesitation, acts defensive, starts plotting revenge, and just blows everything you say and do out of proportion, you my friend, have a foe not a lover, a future marriage partner, or anything else like this!

Let God deal with this person, and while you're at it, stop feeding him or her with "sacrificial offerings," so to speak, such as gifts, sex, money, time, etc. because it is clear this person has some unresolved issues concerning you and you can't very well trust someone who is acting more like a fool than a wise believer!

When he or she sees you are no longer in love with him or her, this person will attempt to make you feel guilty, talk about breaking up, threaten to throw you out of the home, use your children against you, and any other abusive thing he or she can think of.  The Lord says, "Stand"!  When the time comes to set you free from such a destructive relationship, where trust is no where to be found, you will sincerely appreciate your freedom and you will no longer desire such a person who plays more mind games than love games.  This testing season prepares you for a clean future free of worry and unnecessary confusion, so stand, my friend, until God gives you orders to do otherwise.

Check out other blogs by Nicholl.

Friday

When is Enough Enough?

What you probably deal with in your home is probably something that I wouldn't tolerate in my own home.  Hi, I'm Nicholl McGuire, self-published author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.

I thought that I would take this time to share some thoughts about relationship conflict and abuse.  Now, I know for some reading this, there is a thin line between love and hate especially when you have been abused.  I am one of those personalities that don't have much patience for foolishness and less patience when it comes to lies, half-truths, and a negative disposition from a partner whether it is about me or not.  So for me, being in a relationship is at times very challenging and there are those moments that I prefer to be left alone.  But for some, you can take a whole lot, can't you?!

I have heard and read many stories online and I am thinking, "What I went through is nothing, compared to what others have gone through!"  Yet, we are all different and some people just feel like it is a badge of honor to stay with someone 20 plus years even if they have gotten hit upside their heads a few too many times over the years.  They rather make it last then to break up, well to each his or her own.  However, enough becomes enough when you say, "I have had enough!"  Now if that takes 10, 15 or 20 plus years then so be it.  No amount of talking or walking you and I can do to convince you to leave someone you still believe you love and loves you will help.  That's why for some men and women, a parent, best friend, mentor, and even a child can beg and plead that they break up, and the couple just won't!  Come hell or high water, they are in it for the long hall!  Some might think, "Wow, she really does love him!  He truly wants her in his life!"  But at what cost?  How many abusive scenes must a child endure before he or she starts acting like one or both of the argumentative parents?  How long will she keep taking him lying and cheating on her before she has a mental melt down?  How will he deal with the next explosive episode when she starts berating and hitting him?  We must stop with all the praise when it comes to how long someone has been in a relationship when we know something just isn't sitting right with us; instead ask, "Is everything okay?  Do you need any help?"  Of course, he or she will probably say, "No or what do you mean?"  Then you can say something like, "Is everything really alright with you and...."  so what they get offended at least you did your part, you showed you cared.

Maybe you are that person who needs some mental, spiritual and physical guidance.  Maybe you are in search of happiness in everything, but that man or woman at home.  If so, let us take this time to pray (that is if you have a faith).

"Heavenly Father, I ask that you be with my friend who is hurting right now.  He/she wishes to have a life that is peaceful, loving, kind, and mirrors who you are and what you represent.  Free her/him of the misery of being in a mentally and physically draining relationship.  Move on this person to have courage, to bind worry and fear and to walk in light and not in darkness.  Heal this person of past abuses and lead him/her to safety. Give he or she favor with those who are near and dear to help.  Use your angels to protect him/her from all harm and danger.  In Jesus Name..."

Read Psalm 91.  Trust in God and he will direct your path!

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

Rejected From Birth? | Gomestic

Permitting abuse and being an abuser has something to do with being rejected from birth.  I urge some of you to examine your childhood a little more closely, then put some issues to rest by doing what is necessary to free you!  From counseling to cutting people off, seek your healing this day!

Rejected From Birth? | Gomestic

Why Do People Control Others Through Emotional Manipulation? | Healthmad

Why Do People Control Others Through Emotional Manipulation? | Healthmad

Friday

ASPCA | Why Do People Abuse Animals?

Not only do partners abuse one another, but with all that pent up rage, they also take it out on pets too!  I thought this article might be helpful to those of you who have witnessed or know of someone abusing their pets.

ASPCA | Why Do People Abuse Animals?

Tears & Healing

Do you feel like you have to stay with someone who is hurting you?  You might want to read the following article.  Often people stay with an abusive partner because they just don't know what to make of them.  Rather than have a simple relationship, it becomes a case study.  One person becomes the counselor while the other becomes the patient--uh oh!!  Click on the following link:

Tears & Healing

Refraining from Sex, Might Turn Into a Major Issue

Sex is a natural response to all of the positive feelings you might be having toward your partner.  Who doesn't want to show one's love and adoration while getting some personal benefits?  However, the lack of sex in any relationship can make one irritable, impatient and even angry.

There are those men and women who just don't do well in a sexless relationship especially if he or she is use to getting sex.  Some couples falsely assume that they can still operate in a once healthy relationship that has now had its share of challenges without zero affection.  This might work if both parties agree to a sexless partnership, but it doesn't work when one has his or her share of needs while the other doesn't.

A woman who had been in an abusive relationship for years shared with me times that she was abused simply because she wasn't in the mood nor had no sexual desire for her husband.  She said, "He would become angry...He beat me sometimes.  I made excuses not to have sex with him, because I knew he had been sleeping with others and I wasn't about to catch anything."

There are many abused women in relationships who feel like this woman.  Some women rather take the abuse then have sex.  Imagine how serious this impacts them psychologically?  The woman who I spoke to, had no desire to have an emotional connection to a man; therefore, she spent some moments in her life, after the ending of her marriage, having sex with a married man.  She reasoned, that it was okay, because he could never stay with her--he had responsibilities.

If you can't see the dysfunction in a similar relationship described previously and don't realize the importance of intimacy in a relationship whether with sex or without, then you may have already been emotionally (and physically) wounded.
 
When you are in an abusive relationship, it is normal not to want to have sex with some one who repeatedly upsets you.  You will have to strongly consider which do you want the most: love and freedom or hate and slavery (that is being a slave to someone else's desires while putting off your own).  The sooner you realize you can do better for your self with or without a partner, the faster you will be able to come out of a relationship such as this.

Keep in mind there are those healthy relationships that are sexless for various reasons, but being abused isn't one of them.  Know the difference before you compare your situation to others.

Wednesday

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

From abusive bullying to suicide prevention, this site offers some very useful information if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, see here:

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Curse Words: Draw the line Early, Unacceptable

If you want respect, you have to earn it, so the old adage goes.  So here you are in a new dating relationship.  You find that at times your date can be really disrespectful to others.  It is only a matter of time that he is going to be angry with you.  If you set him or her straight early, you will be showing him or her that if this person really wants to be with you, he or she can't curse you.  There are other ways to address a matter besides name-calling, insulting, or jumping in someone's face.  But where many new couples make their mistake is they allow their partners to say disrespectful things to them early on.

At first a date seems to be saying some harmless things and may even be joking.  But then in time, the words become more threatening and at times he or she looks like their losing it.  He calls her a few chose names and then she follows up with a few creative curse words.  Before long, the couple is having a contest called,  "Who can curse the loudest."  These are obvious red flags that these two people may be dangerous for one another.

Respect yourself, don't allow any man or woman to disrespect you by telling your date early on in the relationship, "I don't respond to that name...I will not tolerate that kind of talk...I will not proceed in a relationship with you if you continue to talk to me like that." 

As mentioned earlier, if this person loves you, he or she will respect your boundaries, but if he or she doesn't, this person will most likely say, "Well, we can break up... I don't want to be with you anyway."  Someone who really wants you in his or her life will apologize and try hard not to disrespect you the next time.

Nicholl McGuire
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Monday

Messing with Your Mind: Your Partner's Little Game of Revenge

When a person who has witnessed his or her own parents abuse one another as well as others, they learn a thing or two about how to control people.  You may be in a relationship with someone who likes to nit-pick, talk about you to others, and find these little, as well as big, ways to pay you back when he or she doesn't like what you are doing in the relationship.

You aren't crazy to think that the man or woman you are living with has it in for you.  You feel a sinking feeling in your stomach when he or she comes around.  You feel like if you should  say something about your partner's actions or in-actions in the relationship or do something wrong, he or she will try to get even and make you feel as if you are the problem or crazy one.  Don't underestimate these people who have grew up with abusers--they are sensitive types always seeing what is wrong with everyone else, but themselves.

For example, let's say your mate is miserable about one issue or another.  Rather than just talk about it, like any normal person, he chooses to remain quiet about it.  You attempt to get him to talk about it by simply talking about yourself and the kind of challenges you have at times--all the while hoping he will open up.  Before long, you are the subject matter, being critiqued for this wrong or that one; instead of what is truly bothering him.  He chooses not to share his personal issues so as not to appear weak, and give you, so to speak, a stick to crack his head despite him taking information you have shared and cracking your head with it. 

Now what should have been simply a conversation between two individuals, ends up being a war!  You walk away from this confusing exchange feeling as if you need to watch your back.  You aren't crazy for feeling this way.  This is one of many ways controlling people try to maintain control.  They hide what makes them weak, attack what is strong, and when that doesn't work, they look for other opportunities because they "don't like how you make me feel."  If you are one for telling the truth about the things that negatively affect you to a controlling partner, he or she isn't going to want to hear the truth and will treat you rudely because of it.  They reason, "There is nothing wrong with me, it's her...it's him!" So now out comes the silent treatment, anger outbursts, and other negative behaviors to make you feel like you are crazy. 

It doesn't matter if you approached him or her with a smile on your face asking, "What's wrong?"  It doesn't matter if you bought this person gifts, when he or she has made up in his or her mind that you are unlikable for today, tomorrow, next week or a lifetime, all this person will see is your faults!

Since the last argument it may have seemed like things between you and your mate have died down, that is until you hear he or she has been sharing details about your relationship to others.  Then you notice your mate isn't being as helpful around the house as he or she once was. 

Your mate may have been offended because you said the wrong thing to her or him the other day; therefore, this person feels like he or she should pay you back by not doing what you ask.  Like a teen, your mate rebels.  You might feel like you are once again going crazy, seeing too much into things, that's what he or she wants you to believe.  Remember, this person wants you to believe you are the problem.

While you are noticing distance and the lack of appreciation with your mate, he or she may be nit-picking about whatever you do, because your mate thinks he or she has a right to comment whether he or she is knowledgeable enough or not about an issue.  Maybe this person doesn't like the way you manage the household, the children, or the finances.  Before the last argument, your mate may have seemed to be okay with everything.  But remember, this is what controlling people do, find faults then use them to make themselves look like the so-called "good" man or "good" woman.

Once again controlling people, abusive partners, and just people who are losing a few marbles due to the aging process, are going to do and say things to make you feel like you are going crazy.  When this happens, you can keep fighting through their accusations and confronting their lies while overall revealing hard-truths about them, or you can take the easy way out, and just create distance or end relationships with these type of people.  Why drive yourself crazy in a relationship like this? 

When you know you are doing the best you can, then by all means keep doing it, but also consider this, with all the stress, you may not be the best person to be around; therefore, it just gives this controlling person one more thing to criticize you about.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and When Mothers Cry

Thursday

Today is Your Day to Break Free from a Bad Relationship!

Your mind has told you to leave your abusive situation.  People around you keep reminding you of what you said about leaving your abusive partner, but when do you plan to do it?  The more you think about breaking it off, the more reasons you will find to stay with him or her.  "She's good with the kids...he makes good money...what will the children think?"  Concern yourself with those things after you leave.  This is the weekend for some of you that will set you on that path toward freedom!

You have been playing with the idea of leaving for years, but now is the time!  The extra money will be there for some of you, because you filed your income tax return early.  Don't let him, the children or relatives plan your money for you!  Take it and put it on a new place to stay.  Put some aside to finance your move.  Forget what you promised him or her you would do with the money, get away!  Somebody out there reading this, your life is at stake! 

The sooner you make up in your  mind that "This is it!" the better.  Now once you leave, what to expect?  An angry person who will try to find all sorts of ways to get you back.  You will have to remind yourself over and over again how his or her insults, hits, lies, and disrespect hurt you deeply.  Do you want to go back to that after you are called to be free?  Do you really want your children to see you at your worse all over again?  If you are concerned that he or she might do something bad to you or your family, then call the non-emergency line of your local police department.  Tell them what you are planning to and share with the listener your history and fears, then ask for assistance.  If the authorities in your town won't help, call those in the next town.  Refrain from listing excuses why you can't leave, once again if you do this, you will only make it harder and harder to break free!

Rally up support from your family and friends to help you move.  In this way, you will also have witnesses.  Be certain what date and time you will be leaving.  Don't back out when the time comes to move.  Be considerate when people are trying to help you, don't be like your abuser!

You have gone through a lot these past years.  You have listened to false promises and most likely, that is why you stuck around for so long.  Your inaction in this relationship has caused a reaction, sometimes negative, from well-meaning family and friends.  It's not your fault that things got so bad!  People who have years of experience taking advantage of others just know how to manipulate people very well.  They believe that the more they talk, the more others will do what they say.  Your abuser will do a lot of talking once you are gone!

Your former partner (get use to saying that) will try to play with your emotions promising once again to do better.  He or she will call you repeatedly on your cell phone, so get the number changed.  Also, alert security on your job and talk to your boss in case he or she tries to contact you there.  This person may also hold your mail hostage, so have it stopped.  The abuser may bad-mouth you to others.  He or she may also try to take his or her anger out on your belongings, so try to get everything out that you truly care about.  Don't leave no stone uncovered when you start getting yourself out of that residence you share with this person.  Enlist some help if need be.  Don't startle the children with a lot of tears and yelling.  Keep them occupied with toys, meals, and if there is a place they can go, while you pack, drop them off there.  You really need to get moving quickly and the last thing you need is a crying child bothering you every time you do something.

Freedom begins in your mind first!  You must envision yourself to be FREE of a bad relationship that is holding you captive.  Next, in order to truly experience real lasting freedom which includes: peace, wisdom, prosperity, love and much, much more, you must be willing to break free from your abuser physically--that means no sex, kissing or cuddling.  Lastly, once you are free from the idea of having a good relationship with this person, you will want to work long and hard on freeing your spirit emotionally and physically from him or her, so that you won't be abusive to others.

Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Tuesday

Grateful to Be Out of a Relationship Because...

One day while surfing the web, I came across a forum where people were talking about, what was one thing they didn't miss about being in a relationship anymore?  I was expecting to read comments like, "I don't have to listen to his snoring...don't have to visit her relatives anymore..." you know simple things like that.  However, I read things like, "I don't have to take her physical and mental abuse...The beatings."  What!?  I thought, some people in this forum are fresh out of relationships that had been causing them so much mental and physical suffering.  Just think, you are grateful to be out of a relationship because you don't have to worry over getting hit on the head, shoved, spit on, kicked, or cursed out in front of people.  But I also thought, "How much damage have these people suffered and will they be abusing the next person they get involved with?  Have they sought any help?"

Some of you who are in relationships who have simple issues, don't know or truly understand what it feels like to be in a relationship filled with drama.   While some of you can't wait to get home to be with your partner, there are those men and women who resent going home.  Many couples are walking on eggshells.  They don't know from one day to the next what to expect.  "Will he act like a fool and lose it if I tell him something?  Will she start crying and hitting me if I tell her I don't want to be with her any longer?"

So many of us make decisions in our lives that leave us feeling hurt, confused, and abused.  We wish that things would be different, but the more we wish, the more things stay the same or get worse!  There are those of you who are in relationships right now that are wearing on your nerves.  You said that this would be the year that you would end the relationship.  Some of you are making plans now to prepare to end the relationship the following year.  Will you make it until then with your mind still intact?  Promise yourself you will get out of your dead-end relationship before suicidal thoughts, depression, anger, resentment, guilt and more get the best of you!

Maybe one day you will be one of those people who can sit down in the quiet of your home, free of a difficult partner, and just say, "I am so grateful to be out of this relationship because..." you fill in the blank.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love Myself on Amazon.com

Thursday

On Again Off Again Sex: Whose Holding You Hostage?

You think there is no harm being done in a relationship when you deliberately make up in your mind you don't want to have any intimacy with your partner?  Maybe he or she made you angry days even weeks ago, but if you keep playing with fire, you will get burned.  However, what if you are the one who isn't playing games with sex.  You actually enjoy it, but want more.  Maybe your partner is the one using sex to control you.  If so, this is an abusive tactic that must be stopped.

The more society preaches sex the more society is lacking sex.  The human spirit loses interest in anything that is constantly being preached, taught, marketed, sold, or simply discussed.  For those powers that be, whether in your home or out of it, they are glad one is tired of hearing and seeing sexual symbols, because if you are, you won't be having sex and if you aren't having sex you aren't making any babies or more of them.

You know a relationship is headed for ruin when normal, healthy couples choose long hours on the Internet and in front of the TV over having sex.  Something is wrong on top of or under the sheets when one or both is seeking an escape from being intimate and/or sexual.

We all know true intimacy starts before one takes his or her clothes off.  Hand holding, a kiss, a hug, or something else has to happen to influence the start of a positive sexual experience.  Without the thought-provoking stimuli, sex just isn't good emotionally and/or physically especially for a woman who wants to be truly loved by a man.

Now some people choose to play the on again off again sex game.  It goes like something this.  He got sex yesterday, because he was good, but no sex today because he was bad.  Couples in situations like this feel like they are going crazy.  A partner may treat his woman like a rose today because she gave him sex, but then treat her like a thorn afterward.

Then some couples wonder why all the fussing and fighting?  Do you see emotionally what teasing a man or woman about sex can do?  Do you realize that when you give, then withhold, give, then withhold you are playing games with a person's mind? 

The angry partner may be feeling guilty that he or she let her guard down once again to have sex with his or her mate and may be grappling with real emotions about what he or she has done.  A voice in this person's head may sound like this, "Why did you do it?  You know she is only going to upset you again.  You always fall for his crap.  Don't give him sex next time.  You are so stupid!"  Meanwhile, the unsuspecting partner really enjoyed sex this time around, yet unresolved fears, resentments or simply a bad past may keep he or she connecting.  The same holds true for the abuser as well.  The abuser, for purposes of this writing, is the one who withholds sex for all sorts of ridiculous reasons from his or her partner.

In a relationship such as this, the best thing to do is refrain from being intimate until you both know where you stand in the relationship.  It will take a lot of will power, but you must do it, if you do want to be the abuser or the victim.

How long do you think a person will stay with someone who keeps acting interested in having sex on one day of the week, then not interested the next, and so on?  Eventually, someone will come along in his or her life willing to give more than just on again, off again romance.  Then that's when the one doing the abusing will cry, "But I love you...I will do better, I promise." Unless the mentally handicapped seek professional help, nothing will change.  That's right, there are some mental issues that need to be dealt with and they can't be dealt with in an abusive relationship where the abuser is allowed to wield such power.  Chances are the abuser learned about using the absence of sex in a relationship as a weapon in a previous relationship or noticed this pattern of behavior growing up between mom and dad.

Don't allow anyone to use sex to control you!  Get out of this kind of relationship as soon as you can before you start justifying your partner's behavior as normal or worse cheating on him or her which is another case of abuse (read more by clicking links on this site related to cheating.)  Sex was never meant to be something rationed out like candy.  Learn more about what it means to love someone in the Holy Bible I Corinthians 13. 

Once your mate has gotten the help he or she needs, and you both have come to terms with the relationship (ie. such as abstaining from sex due to a health concern or spiritual reasons,) or simply got a serious wake-up call, try starting over; otherwise call it quits.

Nicholl McGuire

For more work by this writer, go here.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

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