When the Abuser Sets Children Up to Fail

The abusive one doesn't realize it but the wiring in the brain isn't connected right.  Fight up against truth, talk down to those who are only trying to help, kick people when they are down, use violence to get one's point across...you might know someone like this, what's worse he or she is a mother or father. 

Past programming beckons the once victim turned abuser to keep the generational cycle of abuse going.  "My Daddy said this...my Momma did that...We turned out alright.  Kids nowadays are soft." the abuser boasts.  Hit on his or her head, shoved down stairs, pushed into a wall, burned with cigarettes, called many names, beaten with sticks, belts or anything a parent could reach...and it was all okay.  Well we live in a different time and if those parents were honest with themselves and with others, periodic thoughts don't come together in their minds in a rational way when it comes to parenting children. 

- They can't handle too much noise.
- They are short-tempered.
- They are impatient when it comes to teaching children things.
- They are emotional especially when it comes to minor things involving their children.
- They have scars that never healed from abusive parents or guardians whether seen or unseen.
- They are nervous over things that others are not. 
- They are selfish and unkind when you get to know them.
- Some are very quiet or very talkative around select individuals.
-  When triggered, they appear to lose it.
- They may have their share of phobias

The side effects of the childhood adversity an abuser encountered shows up in parenting children sometimes without reason.  Abusive people don't always learn from what was done to them.  Rather, they repeat patterns in subtle or bold ways while denying they are hurting their children or justifying harsh punishments.  It all seems normal to them. 

For instance, past programming thought it was alright that Mom called Dad nasty names, lied to him, acted rowdy with others, and was mean to children; therefore, the adult daughter does the same.  Dad was intimidating, mean, controlling, and cold, so his son acts similar to him and finds dad's behavior admirable despite his dysfunctional ways.  The family plays ignorant or has selective memories about what it was like growing up in a tyrant's household.  The people who refuse to think about the past due to white washing from controlling matriarchs and patriarchs are told to remember the good times.  The unsuspecting are caught up in a web of emotional and physical abuse in intimate relationships, family connections, parenting their own children, and other connections by the hurting and wounded individuals.

A demanding or ineffective parent sets up his or her children to fail, because he or she could never meet his or her own parents needs and so the abuser projects his or her expectations on the children.  Sooner or later the toxic upbringing reveals truth.  It shows us just how bad the household is for the child.  If the abusive parent doesn't like his or herself much, he or she might expect the child to do better or could care less.  Well when pride gets in the way, the parent refuses to admit that he or she is not doing what is in the best interest of the child.

Consider times when a child asks for a basic need to be met, did the parent step up to the plate or make the child wait for long periods of time, punish him or her, or didn't do anything at all?  A simple request for something to drink, clean clothes, time with a parent, or an item to eat, did the parent break away from selfish pleasures to meet the need?  Did the parent finally do something after the child started having a fit? 

What about an older son or daughter who asks a parent respectfully or possibly firmly to stop talking negatively about the other parent, but is met with a slap across the face and told to never say anything else about the other parent or else?

How about the children who rarely witness any good between parents in the household, yet they are told by the victim that an abusive parent loves them and to respect him or her?  Observation and logic become skewed in the children's minds.  What is evil becomes good and what is good becomes evil.

What about when the abusive parent lashes out on the children just because he or she can't get whatever results he or she is after from the other parent like: attention, money, time, etc.

We can go on and on with examples, but the point is the abuser is systematically setting his or her children up to fail personally and/or professionally the longer he or she negatively impacts others.

Controlling parents are more concerned about their own needs, but not those of children.  Demanding parents put high expectations on children that they don't intend to meet or help children achieve, but it sounds and looks good to say and do certain things in front of others so as to appear like they are loving, kind, generous, etc.  But the children know differently.

Abusive parents don't realize that when they bring children into the world and refuse to change their selfish and/or evil ways, that one day grown sons and daughters will awaken to their lies, manipulation, and more and will no longer respect or appreciate them.  Depending on how much of the negative programming children have received from parents, they might grow up to be equally or more abusive than their parents while other victims might be very passive almost ineffective as a result of the childhood abuse they incurred.

Without proper guidance, a faith, support group, medication or whatever else a former victim needs to parent, abusive behaviors will show up whether triggered or not.  It doesn't matter if the parent is 16 or 60, abuse affects all.

Nicholl McGuire

On the Prowl - The Abusive One Looks for His Next Victim

He seeks his next target.

By the time he is finished with her...

His demands will cause her to lose the makeup,
change her hairstyle,
and stop dressing so nicely.

Stress ages the beautiful one.
Power and control suffocates love.
Peace is a dream.

Then on to his next victim.

"It didn't work...she was this, she was that..."

by Nicholl McGuire


It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug...

It's All In the Family: Is there a connection to a father beating his daug...: Somewhere right now as you read this, a teenage daughter may have said something to her father that offended him so much that he gave her ...

Beyond Sex - Falsely Assuming Intimacy will Save a Broken Relationship

So sex is supposed to make things better? 

Wasn't it just last week, a month ago or a little longer that a woman or man complained about his or her relationship with an abuser.  And wasn't it not that long ago that he or she talked of breakup, separation or divorce?  What changed?  A sexual release.  You know the abuser is still the same.  He or she hasn't changed.  The dark side has went into hiding until next time. 

For those of you in love, lust, or like with a hot-tempered, mean-spirited ugly man or woman, you know how the story goes.  Everything is "okay, alright, fine" until the next blow up.  Turbulent relationships never remain peaceful, there is always something right around the corner that an abuser gets his or herself mixed up in (cheating, lies, stealing, fights, job loss, self-harm, etc.)  Evil men and women bore easily, get angry over the littlest of things, act self-righteous, cold-hearted, and pride themselves on emotionally and/or physically beating their victims down whether verbally, physically or non-verbally. 

The best thing that one can do is protect his or her heart from the abusive one.  Remember, in relationships like these the honeymoon is seasonal.  Abusers rarely change.

Are you planning to exit?  See blog entries related to this topic.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of the following:

She's Crazy
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Laboring to Love Myself

Scroll this site on the right to check out one of her books.

It's Not Over Once You Leave - Abusive Men, Women Can Be Like Mad Dogs

We saw recently what one can do when a handgun is in the wrong hands.  In the San Bernardino shooting involving an abusive husband and his estranged wife, media reports say he was at the school to drop something off to the school teacher, but what he was really there for was to kill her and himself.  Unfortunately, two children were caught in the crossfire of domestic violence.

What goes on at home, especially if the relationship is turbulent, doesn't stay there. 
Tell your business it just might save a life!

When one has a troubled mind the issues eventually show up and impact others--innocent children, relatives, law enforcement, paramedics, etc.  The husband had a criminal history in the San Bernardino shooting, an obvious red flag for the woman who married him, but she dismissed it.

From desperation to be in a relationship to needing help with the bills and/or children, many needy women drive themselves into relationships with abusive men--there is a good reason why that man has his share of  "issues" with a long track record of women who he just couldn't stick it out with.  But let us not overlook the fact that there are many other domestic abuse stories where men and women have no criminal history, but yet they are emotionally and/or physically abusive.  You don't suspect that the attractive, friendly, or outgoing person holding down a 9 to 5 is susceptible to taking his or her partner off the face of this earth one day.

According to a nonprofit journalism site, The Trace, a woman is shot and killed by a current or former romantic partner every 16 hours.  In 2014, the pro-gun control group Everytown for Gun Safety reported more than half of women murdered with guns in the U.S. are killed by domestic partners. 

Remember abusive men and women have been hurt by other abusive people and there are always signs leading up to the major blow up.  Rarely do these mean-spirited men and women participate in any counseling programs to assist with anger issues, unresolved grievances from childhood and rejection related matters during adulthood.  They expect their on or offline partners to be the answer to all their problems.  So these hurting people wear a false front to entice their victims appearing to be very charming, patient, kind, and almost Christ like. 

Sometimes when deceptive men and women are found out the same abusive tactics they used on their targets are reversed on them, but for those who are not mentally troubled like their abusers, they simply seek a way out of a bad decision.  However, exiting a dysfunctional relationship has its share of consequences just like remaining in a toxic one.

Years ago I recall telling my abusive partner, while he stood in front of a door refusing to let me exit a room, that it isn't the people out on the street that we should be concerned about, but the ones we live with.  I said something like, "I shouldn't have to live like this..."  He was determined to make me believe his lies after I learned some things about him.  He demanded I stay or else he would kill himself, and didn't hesitate to remind me who was in control. 

I got tired of the verbal, non-verbal and physical fights, I left only to return back to him after his "I still love yous...let's make it work...I promise things will get better...I'm sorry" at least four times during a nine month period before the police helped me exit that toxic merry-go-round for good.

Yet, the battle is never completely over once you leave.  You still have to watch your back.  He was seen driving by my parent's home soon after the last break up despite being warned not to be anywhere near me or my family.  Other times I saw him in the parking lot of my workplace.  And many years later he drove a relative home which he could have killed and our family would have never suspected it was him. 

Those who are currently laboring to love an abusive mate, stop the loving and get to walking if not for yourself for your children, pet, relatives, etc.  Think about the following while you make plans to exit:

1)  Will your name remain the same?  With the ease of finding people on the Internet, it won't take long to uncover a new residence by searching your name, birth date, and any other identifying information.

2)  Will you stay in your current hometown?  If that is the plan, then do you have a supportive network that your abuser can see coming and going out of your home?

3)  Do you have access to a hand gun?  He or she might have one already.  What do you do if suddenly he or she shows up one day brandishing a weapon?

4)  Does your family, friends, employers, and others know that you are no longer seeing that person and can they identify him or her?  One of the things I did after leaving my abuser was I made sure that the security officers at my job had a photo of him.  I also filed a Protection From Abuse (PFA) at the police station in my community and where he lived.

5)  Does your abusive partner have a joint account with you, name on property, and other shared assets?  If so, you might want to start working to get his name off some things.

6)  Does he know your hang out spots?  Chances are he will be there.

7)  Does he have access to your computer and phone?  He or she will monitor your activities.

Whatever an abuser learns about you especially if it involves the opposite sex, and he or she suspects that there is romantic interest, will trigger some very dark emotions.  When this happens, you will be a target for more abuse.

If you feel you are a victim of emotional, non-verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, seek the necessary help to assist you with a safe exit plan.  Don't endanger others by keeping private about what is going on with the abuser. 

When I think of the San Bernardino incident, I can't help but think of those children who may not have been hurt had that teacher made every effort to keep herself as well as others safe.  Too often people keep their so-called "business" to themselves or "don't want to snitch" and then bad things happen to people due to ignorance. 

After leaving the relationship, tell law enforcement about what you know about a troubled partner, share information with loved ones and mutual friends such as:  he or she owns a gun, this person has threatened to kill me or made veiled threats he or she would use it.  Also, alert security at your work and share a photograph. 

What goes on at home in abusive households, doesn't stay there.  Sooner or later someone or a group will experience the backlash when a victim has made up in his or her mind to leave.

Nicholl McGuire blog owner and the author of the following books:
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
Laboring to Love Myself
She's Crazy
Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men


Tyshan Knight ft Letoya Vinson- Focus on God (Audio) | New R&B Gospel

Part of Laboring to Love Someone is the Challenge of Getting Them to See the Truth

Obsessed with power and control, a mean spirited man or woman refuses to agree on anything even when it just might cost them everything. 

In their minds, they feel good knowing they could do the right thing, but they refuse. 
They covertly or overtly enjoy seeing others suffer.

Learn to work around the abusers in your life.

You really don't need them
as much as they would like for you to believe.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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