Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

  BUT NOW?   Time doesn't heal all wounds especially when people refuse to change.   ____________________________________   Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate by Nicholl McGuire

  Rise Above It.

In a turbulent relationship weekends aren't anything to look forward to for victims. "Happy Friday!" one might tell a hurting co-worker. It isn't really all that happy, one must go home. All a happy wish means to the one in an abusive relationship is the individual must do his or her best not to say or do anything that might upset a partner over the weekend.  Since many hours are spent at home on weekends supposedly relaxing from a long work week, it isn't always like this for those partnered with abusive people.  More hours together, just mean more chances for drama between two highly sensitive people. Each moment that passes, he or she is walking softly, hoping and praying a partner doesn't take whatever is on his or her mind and beat the victim with it. Easier said and done being respectful, kind, loving, etc. When in a relationship with someone with a mental illness, going through a challenging time, or often influenced by toxic relatives or friends...

When someone approaches you with a story that sounds a lot like he or she is being abused, do consider the following. 1.  No talking about the situation when victims have either shut down, stopped talking, or don't feel ready to share everything. 2.  Be understanding, don't pressure a victim to leave especially when you don't know the details.  Sometimes abusers will pretend like they are victims to get attention or cover up their misdeeds by placing blame on a partner. 3.  Avoid blaming, ridiculing or acting in other negative ways, because you don't like or agree with what the person is telling you. 4.  Search for resources in the victim's area and share them.  Remind him or her it is against the law to be abused and for a child or animal to be abused as well.  Oftentimes abusers are not only hurting their partners, but others as well. 5.  Offer to assist the individual with expenses and other needs if you know you are able to, don't g...

Whether the individual you care about or still love is a mate or something else to you, you will find that you learn a lot about yourself even in your mess!  The kinds of things that are hard to see at times and make you feel sad or angry.   But you need to stop denying things and start accepting truth. 1.  You discover what you won't tolerate off of others despite your putting up with your emotional and/or physical abuser.  Look at your own life before holding the microscope under someone else's. 2.  You realize that you are not as strong as you think and that you have a lot of work that still needs to be done to self-improve.  You may not be physically beaten , but emotionally, you are scarred. 3.  Your partner has mental and/or physical issues that you can't solve, so why bother trying?  4.  You begin to look toward people and things you think you can control, but realize you are pushing them away, because you don't have yourself to...

How many times does one excuse unacceptable behaviors before realizing that he or she is living a lie?  Persuading his or herself into thinking, "No he didn't just do that...My kid is just exaggerating...No, it really wasn't that bad...Things will be okay.  She really means well."  Really? Let's go over last night, the night before, or maybe a month ago.  What happened?  What did your partner say and what did you do about an abusive episode, a screaming match, cheating, drinking, etc.?  How do you now feel since "it" occurred?  Have you talked about anything and come to any solution as of yet?  Should you and/or children even be around this person? Cast aside your partner's explanation for whatever that bad something was, religious or secret group views, what parents and others say, what is the truth that you know?  Deep within you know something isn't or wasn't right, so why act as if all is okay and you and/or children will just get ov...

One common denominator that all who have given up family tradition, religious beliefs, and more for their abusers is that they love their partners too much. "I went against my dad's wishes for you...After all I did for you...I moved out of my country...My family shunned me because I wanted to be with you." You or someone you know sacrificed a lot just to be with a partner who emotionally, sexually and/or physically abuses you or a friend.  But why stay?  Many victims have their reasons.  Sometimes there is no one and nothing else to turn to due to far too many sacrifices made.  Think about how much you have done so far for your partner.  The abuser ultimately got his or her way, he or she might have wanted his or her partner isolated so that this person could have complete control of the relationship.  Everyone and everything that meant something to the victim was put on hold, distant, or cut off....

Charmed into partnering with someone who claims he would treat you well, look after you, and more, but in time you realize that you aren't getting nearly half of what you are putting into the relationship.  You find yourself in love with the hope that things will get better and they do in short periods and then you are back to arguing, settling, crying, and wishing things would be different. Some of you know you should have left the relationship as soon as it began, but you took a deep sigh and plowed right on into anyway.  You made yourself believe your partner was The One.  You told everyone just how great he is and now you are expected to live out your fantasy with him, because you worry over what people might say.  But you don't have to.  You can admit to God, country and family, "I messed up."  Chances are those people around you already found your guy out and know full well he just isn't a match for you.  However, pride for many of y...

No matter where we are in the world, someone somewhere is being abused.  Whether the abuse is subtle with the abuser wearing a devilish grin or bold where the angry partner is pushing and yelling, we know that people who go through much difficulty in their personal and professional lives are not the most pleasant people to be around. Sometimes we are unaware of what is really going on behind the luxurious lifestyles of those esteemed for what they have, who they know, and what they have done for others.  Some of those individuals who walk with such confident exteriors often feel small on the inside.  We often assume that it is the poor, broke and ugly that are abused, when the reality is that successful, beautiful men and women are abused too. I think of a time in my young life where I was quite popular and many people admired me for my talents and skills.  But during what should have been a great period in my life, behind closed doors, I experien...

You might be in an abusive relationship right now or you know someone who is.  Abuse doesn't always look like what we might think. Sometimes people are in bad relationships for any number of reasons, but whatever they are doesn't mean that they are right!  Just because these people aren't getting beaten near death, doesn't mean they aren't getting abused. Whether abuse is high on the pain scale or not, if someone is controlling another emotionally or physically, it is abusive!  For instance, if I were to give you a long list of demands and manipulate your life in such a way that you were following the beat of my drum (and only mine) then I am being controlling.  If you were to object and create your own beat and I told you not to and that there would be consequences, depending on your life experiences (like knowing someone in your family like me), in addition to what you thought of me (loved me, parent of our child, ride or die buddies, etc), you might go along...

I spoke to a widow who shared with me about how one day the abuse just stopped.  I asked her what happened.  Here's what she said. "He was getting ready to jump on me again.  My son was standing in the background with his daddy's shot gun.  He told him that he wasn't being disrespectful, but that his dad had to stop.  My husband looked at him.  He knew that his son would have blown him away.  From that point on, he stopped abusing me." A husband, who had been abusing the widow for years, finally stopped.  Notice it was once the boy got old enough to hold his father's gun and threaten him with it.  She told me he was teenager back then about 17 or 18 years old.  How many of you have that kind of time?  How much more abuse will you endure before your violent partner finally stops? Nicholl McGuire

At home once again on the weekend, expecting to relax after five days of working, a man is seated on the couch drinking and smoking his cares away.  His partner watches the alcohol take effect while the drugs follow, she knows how he behaves when he has had more than enough in his system.  There is no rest for the weary at a place she pays many bills to keep.  Walking on eggshells, she prays her partner says nothing and does nothing to her.   But, he does.  He starts a conversation she doesn't really want to have.  He negatively talks about people she loves and cares for.  He questions what she does with her time when he is away.  He behaves rudely, slams things around, mumbles complaints,  she wonders how long will this last this time?  There were other scenes like this, too many to count for the victim.  There were those times she ran into her children's room to keep from getting any more tongue lashings and...