Saturday

Super Bowl 2015: Domestic Violence PSA


Annual Super Bowl Madness and What will Victims Do to Prepare?

In a large living-room seated in front of a large screen are men, a few women and some children scattered about.  They are all watching the biggest game of the year.  In the kitchen, the drinks are pouring, the food is cooking, and the noise in each room is loud.  A woman with a head and backache makes her exit from the kitchen, she cries in a nearby bathroom.  The night before her husband kicked her and that morning he hit her in the head with a shoe.  He has been acting very tensed lately, the gambler has numerous bets on his team.  The men and women in the living-room are family and mutual friends, they don't have a clue about the victim's plight.  To them, she appears to be in a good relationship with that public sweet-talker, closet abuser.


Most victims of emotional and physical abuse have learned how to play their roles when it comes to events like the Super Bowl.  This is another holiday and the majority of women are cooking, cleaning, and caring for children around this time.  Those emotionally and physically abused women who know their men well and maintain some degree of order in their households during this time, especially when it comes to children, might get off easy if their partners favorite team wins or loses.  However, for the die-hard fans with hot-tempers whether a team wins or loses, if their women and/or children are in the way during the time of boozing, cursing, and acting wild, there will be hell to pay!


So what do victims do during this time of year that typically is enjoyed by family and friends?  They either shut themselves up in rooms, begrudgingly go to in-laws homes, visit their own relatives and friends, or they serve the guests in their home and take care of children.  Meanwhile, most users and abusers sit on behinds and watch television all day.  Sometimes the women are expected to be seated with their controlling mates in front of those screens.  In a room full of men, they know to behave themselves or else.  They dress how their mates tell them and speak when spoken to saying very little if anything at all.  They are to smile and act as if everything is "okay, alright, just fine..."  Step out of line and their angry men might make a fool of them in front of everyone! 


These abused women pray/hope/wish that male relatives and family friends don't get out of line during Super Bowl madness, because if they do, somehow their abusers will blame them for any misconduct.  Some will leave the event only to go home with an angry partner that they will be walking on eggshells around for days, weeks or months.  A past offense might be brought up and these abused ladies will reap whatever they have sown whether true or not!


This is why one, who knows that a relative or friend is in a troubled relationship, should not pressure her about coming to a family gathering with her mean-spirited partner.  A woman in a bad relationship doesn't want to bring trouble to a household that is relatively good.  But selfish and ignorant people will say and do things not realizing how their efforts can potentially make matters worse for the victim.  If someone shares with you subtle clues about their relationship like, "Things are okay, not the best.  We have our problems like most.  I'm trying to stick it out...I am doing the best I can, there is trouble in paradise" and you see tears in their eyes and scars, that person is telling you something.  Know that the victim is dealing with more issues than most and doesn't want to worry about what family members might say or do to anger her partner or watch everything she says with those around her in case they have loose lips.  For many victims, getting together with others is more than stressful, it is life threatening!


Alcohol, recreational drugs, and prescription medicines will be floating around many households  during the Super Bowl.  Enablers will keep it all coming, while assuming that everyone is having a good time.  But as we all know, some guests don't handle themselves well and a man or woman with a violent past will be prepared to do a little more than have fun. 


If you are a victim and you know that the person you are with tends to act badly with you and others, find something to do during the Super Bowl celebration that will keep you out of trouble.  Surround yourself around those who can protect you or avoid family gatherings altogether.  Try not to be alone if you suspect the abusive individual will be drinking and/or doing drugs on that day.  Whatever you do, remain sober and don't encourage the abuser to drink or do drugs.  If you notice anything odd or you feel that your safety is being threatened, get the attention of neighbors by screaming, throwing something at a window, or getting away and calling your local law enforcement.


If you know someone is in a bad relationship, don't encourage that person to stay with the abusive partner.  Find out if he or she would like to spend time with your family.  Don't bring up information he or she has shared with you to the abusive partner.  Assist the victim in creating an exit plan.  If you notice something isn't right or strange, go with your gut, and call the police.


Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Poem: Childhood Triggers

Childhood Triggers was written based on true events.  This poem expresses the author's pain, shame, and other challenges as a result of growing up around a controlling relative.  History has a way of repeating itself if one's inner demons are never purged.

Monday

The Morning After - Job at Risk, Pain Not Bad Enough to End Relationship

She heard the alarm clock.  There is no getting up out the bed quickly like other mornings before.  She slowly rolls over, the pain in her back, the soreness between legs, and the pressure in her head, the night before was rough.


Why do I stay?


The couple had been arguing, about what she didn't remember at least not at this moment.  Rubbing her back, she can only think of getting to the medicine cabinet to get some remedies for everything that is wrong with her: her back, her head, her vagina--everything hurts!


"He's always angry," she thinks.  "Why do I feed into his nastiness!  Why do I always get hurt in the end?"  She looks at herself in the mirror, she didn't recall getting scratched.  "Where the hell did this come from?"  Markings on her neck as if she had been clawed by a woman with long fingernails.  She looks at her forehead.  Pulling back her bang, "What the f8ck!  Where did this knot come from?"
As she sits on the toilet, memories flood her mind, the ache of make-up sex.  "I didn't want it, I really didn't.  I wasn't even ready...ouch."  It hurts to even wipe herself.


Too much to drink the night before, she recalls a faint memory of being shoved into the entertainment center and her attempt at fighting him back.  It was a losing battle, she couldn't see the man in the middle--there were two or three of him. 


"I hate him! I hate him!" she screams while banging on the bathroom counter, tears are flooding her eyes.  "Damn, damn, damn...why am I so stupid?  Yeah, he's right I shouldn't be with him, what happened to us?  He was so nice in the beginning.  I really liked him.  This is so crazy, I just can't keep being with someone who makes me feel like sh*t!" 


Wiping the tears from her puffy, red eyes, she has to call into work yet again.  What will be the excuse this time?  Clearing her throat, she picks up the phone and dials.  She tries hard to sound happy when she hears her co-worker's pleasant voice answer with, "Hello this is...from ABC Hope."  The broken woman replies with a hoarse, raspy voice, "It's me.  I can't come in."  The co-worker sighs, "You know you are really pushing it.  The boss is going to let you go one of these days if you keep this up."


Funny, how she helps others when she is at work, yet she can't help herself.


Nicholl McGuire


NOTE:  Details have been changed, but I dedicate this entry to those who choose to remain in an abusive relationship a little while longer like I did back in 1996, because you're too hurt, too hung-over and too foolish to make a move.  Please don't wait until it gets even worse!  Leave the relationship while you still have thoughts about why it is so wrong to stay.  Also, don't jeopardize your income source either for a no good partner, you will need your money!!

Friday

A Repeat of the Past - Your Abuser Expects You to Speak When Spoken To

"Let me finish...what was I saying...I forgot.  Are you going to let me talk?  You said that I could speak...why don't you let me finish!"  Frustrated beyond words, tears streaming down the young woman's face, she can't express her thoughts.  Her abuser has beaten her down mentally before she could make any more valid points.  Her words of truth stung him like a bee, the abusive man knew he was wrong in the way that he treated her, but he didn't want to hear it!


"You're a crazy b&tch, you know that?  Why do I bother listening to you?  If only you could see what you look like right now!  Quit your crying, baby!  I don't know what I saw in you!  I worry about you... maybe you should see a doctor."  He takes no responsibility for driving her into an entangled web of confusion with his constant interruptions, name-calling, and more.  She keeps wanting to collect her thoughts, to explain some more, but she just can't!  Out comes more crying and yelling.  The words aren't coming out right!  "Damn, damn, damn!  Why can't I say what I want to say?  Why doesn't he listen to me!  How did I get to this point?" so angry with herself and worried her mad man might pounce on her, she locks herself into a bathroom and just sobs.  Another argument that has gotten the couple nowhere. 


Whatever the young lady said or did prior to the explosive dispute was wrong in her abuser's eyes.  She hadn't been talked to by him and as far as he was concerned she was to speak to him if spoken to.  He had no conversation for her, so why was she talking?  He attempted to ignore her before they started arguing.  He felt like something was on her mind and he really didn't want to hear about it.


The controlling man's eyes stayed glued to the television screen.  He had been pleasant many times on the phone to relatives and friends, but not with her and his partner was tired of his disrespect.  Didn't she have a right to talk to him about his ugly ways?  Apparently not, he wasn't about to listen to her criticisms whether she said them nicely or angrily.  He didn't like anyone telling him anything about his ugly self!  As far as he was concerned, "I'm a good guy, you should be grateful," he told her.  "There are plenty of guys who wouldn't put up with your crap!"  And so that is how it all began that cold day in December.


This was it, the last argument, the last emotional outburst, at least so she thought, but another then another came and each only got worse.  He fought her each time, she fought back.  He acted sneakily, lied about seeing others.  She confronted him, but he just walked away.  "You're crazy, you don't know what you are talking about...you didn't see sh*t!"


What would it take for the young lady to leave her miserable relationship?  Flashbacks of childhood would come and go in between arguments.  She had time to think, she pondered how she got herself into this mess called a relationship.  Past memories of arguing with a narcissistic father who had no interest in a daughter and didn't try to understand her either.  He simply wanted an obedient kid who made him look good.  No back talk, no attitude, no bad days, just be sweet ladylike--isn't that how little girls are to behave?  He was the parent who didn't ask like to sit down and play with children or attend their events.  Every now and again if things didn't look good in school or an unexplained PMS issue showed up in the form of a bad attitude with his daughter, the mean-spirited dad was going to check her on her behavior.  "What is your problem?  You better get those grades up!  I don't care what you're going through...your mother goes through it too, so what!?  What are you doing anyway the reason why you didn't pass those tests?  Thinking about boys, huh?  Why are you acting ugly with your mother?  What...I can't hear you!  What the h&ll are you saying?  What's with the crying?  Talk, just talk why don't you!"  The poor child responded with a weak, "I'm trying to explain, but you won't let me speak...what I was trying to say was..."  The dad with a stare that could kill, "Oh just shut up, dummy! You know I've been watching you and I'll tell you I don't like you...you know that...keep your mouth closed when I talk to you...you know what just get out, get out!  Oh I guess you want something to cry for..."  He proceeds to get out of his seated position and whip her then throws her out of his room.  The next time the same thing, the next time more of the same until he can't stand on his two legs anymore due to surgeries.  Finally relief.


So back to her present, flashbacks of a past give her insight as to why she puts up with what she does in a bad relationship.  Meanwhile, critics have the nerve to wonder why victims make the relationship choices that they do.  As you can tell from the above story that history has a way of repeating itself.  Most victims in tough relationships are able to survive because they have already been conditioned by abusive parents and guardians long before they have met their abusers.  So when they enter into these relationships, they see familiar things about their dates, who one day become significant in their lives.  These abusers who can be women and men with their share of issues use various tactics to control their victims such as: emotional abuse like cold stares, silent treatment, gas lighting, lies, threats, physical, financial and spiritual abuse.


NOTE: The previous story was based on real events although some details had been changed for privacy reasons.


Nicholl McGuire writes articles, blogs and books for many websites and offers ghost-writing services as well.

Wednesday

Don't let Your Defenses Down Around a Weirdo - Protect the Good Person Within

You may have started off the relationship as a good girl, but now you find yourself, at times, gone bad around a certain person.  As much as you would love to return to that good girl or guy you knew prior to meeting an abusive mate, you just can't at this time.


An abusive mate is just not going to allow you to live a comfortable, free and happy lifestyle with him or her before this person is going to mess up things yet again!  Some abusive people will just not let anyone around them be happy or live peacefully.  So the old adage goes, Misery loves company, and negative people feel comfortable when they are in the presence of drama.


A quiet lifestyle of routine that appears a bit boring is not the kind of atmosphere abusers want to be in. They don't enjoy laughing, singing, dancing, or being affectionate much.  They are often serious, withdrawn, cold, bitter, jealous, and resentful.  If you attempt to cheer them up, you are rejected.  They will somehow blame you for messing up their mood.  Abusive people are simply at a lost when it comes to what feels right since they have sat in their mess for so long.  A mess of tears, frustration, unresolved childhood issues, bad relationships with parents and siblings, regrets about having children, unsatisfying work, a lack of faith in a Creator, etc. these all make up the negative mood of a weirdo abuser.


Now these weirdo abusers are those who have strange fetishes, weird mannerisms, odd conversation or lack thereof, and frequent mood swings.  They usually know that they are weird since many who may have come before current mates have told them so.  Their own parents might have described them as "odd, strange, weird, or I never could understand That One..." 


The best thing you can do for yourself when around people who exhibit personality disorders is to stay connected with the good person within you.  He or she has gone into hiding to self-protect.  It wouldn't make sense to go into a war with a smile on your face unless you have back-up.  You wouldn't try to perform for the enemy unless you had a plan.  So what good sense would it make to give your best self to someone who revels in destroying happy people?


Abusive men and women tend to be weird in the way that they behave.  Their personality disorders tend to get the best of them sometimes, and when they do, look out, they seek to wipe the smile off your face.  The na├»ve, gullible and ignorant will defend what they believe is a nice guy or gal without fully knowing them.  These people usually get a rude awakening especially when they see evidence that the abuser isn't who they originally thought.  When one is dealing with a weirdo abuser, it is absolutely a must to protect ones inner being--to keep the good person within intact.


An abuser is nothing more than an agent for seen as well as unseen entities and when in the presence of pure evil and weirdness, you are left with no choice but to fight him, it and all with simple and fervent prayers of deliverance!


"Deliver, oh God, those who are enslaved by the wickedness of evil-doers!  Bring immediate peace to their situations.  Remind them of your powerful presence and cause them to draw near to you as a result of every obstacle that they face, in Jesus name, Amen."  Read Psalm 91 and Psalm 23 today.  Break the stronghold of evil right now!


Nicholl McGuire  

Thursday

Stonewalling & Controlling - Relationship Talk with Laura Episode 7


Saved Abusers Who Use the People and Things of God to Keep their Victims Enslaved

The "saved" abuser, self-righteous and others say, "God hates divorce...You shouldn't get remarried.  You're going to hell if you do.  Stick it out, pray about it. 
What did you do to make him want to hurt you?"


Whatever Satan will do to keep a victim under his or her rule, he will use--including spiritual people, places and things.  There are many abused Christian victims who wish they never brought abusers to church with them, because now the "saved" abusers are taking what they have learned from the Bible and beating them up with the holy scriptures!


It wasn't enough to have to put up with the abuse from evil hands, but when one uses the word of God wickedly to get selfish desires met, it can be disheartening! (Check out Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic by Nicholl McGuire)


The abuse tends to intensify when some couples (or just one) attends church services.  The name-calling, fault-finding, bad-mouthing, pushing, shoving, and more increases at home and before long, someone is calling on Jesus to be free!  Meanwhile, many leaders in the church are more concerned about service and monthly donations then why a victim appears sad, upset or emotional when with a partner.


The church and biblical teachings are designed to help not hurt those who want to be saved by a righteous God.  But when an evil spirit is still in a man or woman, he or she might use the word of God like a weapon.  Most likely, there was no deliverance that took place at the church service and an open mouth confession simply wasn't good enough for the mentally troubled.  Therefore, no new creature in Christ, old things will remain! 


Those on the outside looking in on the relationship might think that the abuser is saved and wanting to do better with his or her life, but behind closed doors, the only thing that has occurred is that the man or woman just feels more powerful and in control of the victim.


A victim, who is married (or thinking about getting married to one's violent partner), might feel pressured to stay with his or her abuser, because some Christians wield the "God hates divorce" statement like a knife and then go on to talk about why it isn't good to remarry and other subjects taken from the Bible.  But the truth is, our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit.  The Bible also teaches that a man should love his wife and we are also repeatedly warned in Proverbs about avoiding violent and foolish men.  There are countless scriptures that talk about God's wrath when his followers are disobedient and also others that talk about man reaping what he has sown.  With so much information in the Bible that clearly states that we are not to be unequally yoked, that we are new creatures in Christ and we are to separate ourselves from evil, there is no reason why one needs to stay with an abuser--a man or woman who is obviously working on the side of darkness.


Many believers (former victims like myself) go on to have better lives.  They feel at peace and know that God's grace and mercy sustains them.  There is no one size fits all situation.  Some abusers and victims get saved while in their mess, others long afterward, but whatever decision is made a long the way, it is God who is ultimately judge and juror--that's why we have Christ as our attorney!


So I take a moment of silence for those who have unfortunately lost their lives staying with abusive partners as well as others who have been robbed of their lives, because someone told them not to get a divorce.  I ask that God's grace and mercy be with those still alive who believe in Him and his son, Jesus Christ.


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic.


Helpful resource: check out this article: Domestic Violence within the Church the Ugly Truth

Monday

When Abuser, Victim Thinks God Will Save a Bad Relationship

From walking down the aisle and accepting Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior to a wife/girlfriend praying and fasting that things will change in a bad relationship, the pair assume that God will give his blessing on something that was cursed over and over again by words the couple spoke over time.


Give place to the devil/Satan/Lucifer and what do you think you might get?  When darkness rules, you are bound to get anything!  Couples, who often fight physically, verbally or nonverbally, might come to the realization that they must stop.  They will find themselves at a cross roads in the relationship.  One of the paths will lead to peace while the other to hell and any other direction could possibly be more of the same.  For some couples, they know that first they need to stop the chaos for themselves.  They know that a mind, body and spirit has suffered long enough.  Then they reason they have to stop disputing for the sake of the following: children, job, material wealth/gain, etc.  For some, they will determine that faith must come into play and just maybe things might change.

"Dear Lord, help me, help my relationship.  I want to do better, I really do, but I also want you to change my partner.  You know how he/she is...please Lord, please!" - Victim


There are those "miracle" relationships, saved by nothing but the grace of God.  These bad relationships were the ones that no one believed would ever change, but did.  They were not the norm, they were exceptions.  What many don't know that in many of these relationships, physical abuse may have stopped, but controlling behavior, scars of negative words, and other things are still there as well as old triggers periodically resurface.  In other words, the relationship never reaches an apex where people are head over heels in love forever and always just because there was some degree of positive change that was experienced. 


Could one say that God's favor may have been put upon once turbulent relationships that got better in time?  Possibly.  But two people had to be in agreement to take faith steps to solve spiritual problems.  Basically, God met them half way in their journey to make past wrongs right.  This is achieved through belief in Jesus Christ, confession of sin and repentance.


Now sometimes, there is no God in sight in bad relationships.  No amount of prayer, church attendance, worship, laying on of hands, bible study, or anointing oil is going to mend any emotional, physical or spiritual damage as long as the person or couple is unwilling to change bad habits.  If the minister/leader/prayer partner advises the victim/believer/Christian to follow a plan that focuses on healing and getting one's self right first, some will circumvent the advice and focus on trying to get a partner saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost filled, and attending church regularly.  Their efforts typically create more problems than solve existing ones especially when God has not chosen one's abusive partner.  For instance, if the abuser doesn't truly feel what he has done over the years wrong and he continues to justify why he did XYZ, then he is unchanged.  If he believes that he still needs to be in control of his life, despite what biblical teachings and God's people counsel, then there is no progress spiritually or otherwise.  The rebellious man is left alone--his mind is left to whatever foolish thinking he comes up with.  Religious professionals would say that God has allowed the man's mind to go reprobate.  This is why some abusers don't change for the better.


For some victims, running to the church can make matters worse on the home-front if they know full well they have a jealous, insecure, and angry partner that gives them a hard time.  This is why many will not join churches, invite brothers and sisters in Christ to their homes, or work in the church.  It is difficult enough dealing with the devil at home, let alone all the issues that come with joining civic groups. 


As much as one might hope, wish, and pray for a sour relationship, just know that the same God who tells his chosen to come to him with their burdens is also the same one that will remove stumbling blocks.  Sometimes the prayer isn't for a couple to stay together, but to separate or come to an end.  It simply isn't meant for every couple who met way back when to remain together particularly when one or both are unwilling to put off evil ways, leave the sinful nature and become new creatures in Christ. 


Nicholl McGuire author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic 

Saturday

Decades of Being Mean - A person like this rarely changes

Another question for a heavenly Creator, "Why, oh God, couldn't you have made this person I am with different!?  Why couldn't my partner just be a better friend and lover to me?"


We will never know why some people can clearly see that a relationship is headed for a dead end, freedom is almost over, children are at risk of being taken away, a divorce is on the horizon, and yet they continue to behave in uncaring, mean and downright ugly ways!


People, who are often mean to loved ones and others, rarely change.  Sometimes you hope  something might happen that will make them see the light, but to no avail.  When the writing is on the wall, you might as well read it, "There is no changing him/her, so stop trying."


Some will persuade a mean partner to attend church with him or her, others will encourage the individual to do something fun, still others might plan vacations, buy gifts, or give the partner whatever he or she wants.  Yet, no matter what some do, there will always be problems when dealing with difficult people, and no amount of money, sex, honor, love, etc. is going to make a difference!


So how does one break routine of working so hard to help that miserable man or woman in one's life?  You fire yourself from the job!  You stop making yourself tend to someone else who doesn't believe that anything is wrong, refuses to change, talks badly about you, and more.  Gradually, you back off.  If you attend a church service or some other weekly function, you unlearn past behavior of asking he or she to go with you, and you continue to go alone.  You stop managing a mate's life and you focus on yours.  Ask yourself, "What would make me happy?"  Notice you don't include the partner in that statement.  "How might I function without him or her?"  This question will raise all sorts of interesting thoughts, and who knows you just might start smiling, rather than crying. 


Picture yourself happy right now while being unconcerned about who, what, where, when, why, and how anymore as it relates to a mean man or woman in your life.  Now take a deep sigh.  You can make that peaceful life you desire a reality.


Happy New Year!


Nicholl McGuire

Vengeance is Mine - When the Victim Thinks Pay Back is a B&tch!

 Think: jail, think: you won't see your children, think: you will be deemed the crazy one.

Movies, books, and other media make revenge look so great, righteous, and rewarding, but the reality is there is nothing glamorous about hurting another individual.  When a partner stands before you with his or her verbal insults and then acts in a threatening manner, it can be quite difficult to restrain yourself.  But if you or someone else successfully beat the person down to a pulp, then what?

Envision when the police show up to your residence or workplace.  Notice the faces of your children or relatives, friends, neighbors, and others watch you walk away in handcuffs.  Place in your mind a mug shot of yourself floating around the Internet while strangers point and laugh.  Think about sitting in a cell with others and smelling all sorts of awful odors while your body develops an odor of its own as days go by and no one is interested in posting your bail.  Imagine being dressed in an ugly jumpsuit and standing before a judge while someone talks for you.  Meanwhile, the stranger has no idea what you have gone through being with an abuser and could care less about who you are--you are just another number, but a jury does care a whole lot about the blood that was found at the crime scene.

We have all had our encounters with someone we didn't like, but others have hated people to the point that they made good on their promises--they not only destroyed them, but their families as well as their own lives in the process.  After spending days, months, and even years pondering what one has done, eventually The Guilty will come to the conclusion he or she overreacted.  The victim turned murderer may never tell anyone this, "But I should have left while I had the chance.  What was wrong with me that dark day?"

The door is right before some of you victims who contemplate paying an abuser back from this morning or last night's tongue lashing or physical assault.  It is right there beckoning you to walk through it before the police open it.  The door is where freedom is!  I will tell you as the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, there wasn't a time that I didn't reflect on those opportunities I knew something bad was going to happen, and yet I didn't walk through the door when I had the chance.  I didn't make my exit, I stayed.  I reasoned that things would get better and they never did.  We grew to hate one another.  My abuser told me to my face he wanted me dead and proceeded to make good on his promise by wrapping his hands around my throat.  Later in life, I would meet another tongue wielding man who bored with women easily and when he wasn't in the mood to deal with me or them, he wasn't the least bit nice.  When he was being deceitful, he said downright mean things to me.  I was always feeling on edge and checking behind him--seeing if what he claimed was truth really was.  He had multiple communication devices that I didn't know about during years of marriage that he used to meet women.  He lied many times about not being interested in others and that I was all he wanted.  The rage was rising within me over time listening to his lies.  Rather than cause him bodily harm, I took my anger to a woman who drafted up my divorce papers.  It really came down to life or death.

So I caution those, who have been thinking over and over in their minds to pay a partner back, to do the kind of things that will end the relationship, not put yourself at risk of losing your life.  Consult wise counselors who can help you come up with an exit plan. I will tell you when it gets to a point that wish someone you once loved dead, it is time to get out like yesterday!


Friday

ENCORE - Deceptive People: On Being Taken for Granted by Them


Uncaring, Disloyal, Mean and Yet You Stay with Your Abuser

There is someone out in this world that wants to save the damsel in distress and the man who has grown to hate his wife/girlfriend as a result of being repeatedly abused by her.  The individual wants to be like Jesus and come and save the poor lost soul who chooses to remain in a verbally and physically challenging relationship.


"Just come with me, I will take care of you.  I love you...no one will ever hurt you again.  He doesn't know what he is missing, he doesn't appreciate you, but I will.  You will never have to go through this again, I promise."


The man or woman attempting to save the victim may mean well, but are these "saviors or Good Samaritans" willing to inherit the baggage that comes with one who has allowed his or herself to be abused for months or even years?  Will they fully understand just how deep one's emotions go when being in a relationship with a hot-tempered, controlling, or often jealous partner? 


Nerves are often on edge, mood swings come out of nowhere, and a desire to be locked away in a room sounds perfect on any given day if it means avoiding other people's drama.  Going places and visiting others are feelings that come and go.  In the back of a victim's mind, there is always the voice that lingers, "Don't stay too long, don't be any trouble to anyone, don't talk too much, don't drink too much...I hope they like me."


The idea of starting a new relationship with someone one day, who might be a better match, sounds good, but also bad too.  The voice whispers within, "You never know, he/she just might end up being worse.  Have you really changed?  Are you really ready to be stepping out with someone else yet again?"


The victim almost left his or her miserable relationship at the prompting of someone who truly fell in love--wanted what was best, but then the person had a change of heart and stayed with an unappreciative, uncaring, disloyal and mean mate, but why? 


The mean-spirited individual doesn't want a partner, he or she wants a slave!  A controlling man or woman with a strong case as to why he or she is in charge of the household is not about to let his or her victim go.  It's as if this person senses that someone out there is all-too-ready to take him or her away.  "Not over my dead body," the angry man or woman says.  "But you don't treat your partner right!  Let her/him go!" the savior yells.  The victim is numb to the pain.  He or she still stands on the hope that an abusive partner will change.  The person has learned to adapt to his or her environment.  Change is scary and it requires strength that he or she doesn't have yet.  The mind is not ready to full awake to mistakes made and the hope is not developed within to see a future.  "It is what it is," the victim reasons.  "But it doesn't have to be!  Leave!  Can't you see what he/she is doing?  You are being controlled, you are under a spell!  Look how much life has changed for you.  You are putting up with the abuse because you need a place to stay, food, money, and a car?  I can give you those things!"  the savior is sobbing.


Just as Pharaoh gave Moses and Aaron a hard time in the Bible about letting the Israelites go, so too will an abusive man or woman.  Evil people will not do anything without a verbal or physical fight.  So the plagues come (it seems like their worlds are imploding on them) and still to no avail, they will still keep holding on to their victims.  Sometimes all one can do is trust in his or her heavenly Creator for release. 


For some of you who have been reading this blog for quite some time and choose to stay with abusers, I have one thing to say for those who have prayed, "Your help is on the way!  When the Savior makes a way out of what seems to be no way, go with Him!  Don't delay!  Pack up and get gone!  Jesus is still in the business of rescuing people using people."


Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Untouchable Men - Leaders, Husbands, Uncles, Boyfriends, Friends with Be...


Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate Provides Spiritual Insight

Domestic and dating violence victims face many issues.  Some are the obvious like:  being physically abused and emotionally scarred, but others not so telling.  Relationships with family members are affected as a result of abuse.  Jobs are either subpar or lost.  Education may come to a halt.  Future relationships are affected.  The list goes on. 


Any form of abuse is going to have a domino affect on other areas of one's life.  If issues go unaddressed, the support system is lacking or absent, mental and physical health are not evaluated, the after affects of the abuse will be long lasting.


I created a YouTube channel that deals with a variety of issues from a spiritual perspective.  I personally believe that if one is not healed spiritually, he or she isn't healed.  When an individual has no vision, can't see his or her purpose, lacks wisdom, an appreciation of self, and most of all an understanding and love for one's Creator, he or she faces additional obstacles as well.  Before long, the victim jumps from the frying pan into a raging fiery pit of more drama in the future.


So please do take the time and stop by YouTube channel: nmenterprise7 sometime today.  Subscribe to the channel to get the latest messages weekly. 


God bless.


Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

Substance Abuse to Calm the Victim's Nerves

From smoking far too many cigarettes to shooting up drugs, the victim has learned to cope in a miserable relationship by running to a world where one's own mind has no pain, obligations, or rules.  The human being just is. 


Yet, in time substance abuse, like the devil, comes back to claim what it gave.  The body begins to fail, the worry and stresses of life return, and an abuser, who doesn't want to take any responsibility for abusing his or her partner, only complains and beats the victim up through words or fists yet again.


"You can't hold your liquor, idiot.  Why do you take so many drugs?  You that miserable, b*tch!"


Substance abuse comes in many forms.  Victims have redirected the abuse and placed it on to any pill, liquid, or other things that make him or her feel good.  However, being under the influence only makes the abuse worse and gives the abuser something to use against his or her victim later especially in family court.  No judge is going to award custody to a parent who has known substance abuse issues.


"See why I act the way I do, she's nothing more than a drunk!" an abusive partner yells.  "You notice all the pills he takes, that's why we fight.  Check out these photos." the controlling woman points out.  "I told you my partner was a weed messed up coke head!"  the abuser wins the pity from those who may know everything about the victim's substance abuse, but nothing about the abusive tactics he or she undergoes monthly, weekly or even daily.


Nicholl McGuire 

Saturday

Gone Mad: When the Abused Partner Plots Revenge

Negative words and images replay like a scratched up CD, the abused partner fights to keep fantasies of evil away.  He or she hates the sound of a partner's voice, the way he or she looks, and anything else connected with him or her.  The abusive man or woman was someone who the victim once loved, but not any more.


The victim is in survival mode--seeking a way to get out of the controlling partner's maze of confusion.  The abuser's actions can no longer be forgiven.  There is an innate desire to see to it that the abusive individual experiences the pain that the victim has undergone for days, weeks or even years.  However, what good would that do?  Most abusers are walking vessels of pain anyway.  It wouldn't make much of a difference to plot revenge.  There are laws in place and many in jail as a result of taking matters in their own hands.  The focus on freedom is key, then justice will be served sooner or later.


One of the best ways to get back at anyone, who exerts control over someone, is to take their footstool or doormat away.  The victim walking out of his or her cage will send a strong message to the abuser, "You can't keep me, I am not your property.  You have no choice but to let me go."  Of course, no abuser is going to let a victim go without a fight.  There will be a battle to win that person back.  The angry man or woman will come up with ways to get his or her victim to trust in the controlling relationship again and be there for him or her.


The back and forth scenario (break up to make up and break up again) will drive any victim mad.  Once he or she discovers that the abusive mate is just playing mind games yet again, the disappointment will turn into anger and the rage within will want to get even.  "How dare he/she trick me into his/her crazy world yet again!  This idiot promised me things would be different!"


Shaking the negative off and looking for the positive in freedom is the only healthy way to escape the clutches of an abuser.  The longer one stays in dysfunction, the likelihood that he or she will show signs of madness i.e.) thoughts of suicide and revenge, frequent anger, forgetfulness, mean-spiritedness, crying spells, moodiness.  With so much going on in one's mind, job performance will be affected, family and friend relationships will suffer, material loss might occur, sleepless nights, poor appetite/eating habits, frequent head and stomachaches, etc. 


When symptoms of being in an abusive relationship become more noticeable, the abuser will use strange or crazy episodes that he or she provoked in the victim to show others, "See, I told you my partner is crazy...Look what I have to put up with.  There he/she goes again--that's why I don't like being around him/her."  Meanwhile, witnesses should be aware that the crazy-making behavior in a spouse, in-law, relative, or friend is a direct result of one being in a relationship with a difficult person who is driving the victim mad.


Know that some will not leave a relationship like this if they don't believe that an abuser is driving them mad.  In addition, relatives and friends may not believe the victim is the one who is undergoing anything major in the relationship; therefore, there is no support offered.  The abuser has a way of making things appear as if he or she is not at fault while the victim is everything that is wrong with the relationship.


Nicholl McGuire 
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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